BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Well, with no conventions or baseball games or any other captivating television keeping me from this re-cap, there really shouldn’t be an excuse for any sort of tardiness. . .one would think anyhow, right? Well, one would be wrong. It’s actually 12:50 am and I’m gonna start this anxiety riddled finale, I just can’t make any promises about actually finishing it in one fell swoop (is that how the expression goes?).
Last week on. . .I think it’s safe to say that this BXTCH, along with every other BXTCH in America had her heart broke twice last week. First, Jojo decided that since Luke wasn’t able to tell her how he actually felt, but showed the shit out of it, that the cowboy had to be cut loose. My emotions barely recovered from that before Jojo went and invited Chase to the #fantasysuite, coaxed him into jumping over an intimacy hurdle, one that he has never done first, just to tell him “no, sorry. . .I just don’t feel the same”. Then we got to watch both Luke and Chase do all but drop to the knee and propose during the Men Tell All episode. They both were very kind, Luke even went as far as telling Jojo that as long as she is happy, then he supports her decision. I understand and can actually respect that, my issue wasn’t really that Jojo decided that neither man was the one for her, in the end it is only one man left standing, my issue was the lame ass excuse she gave for having to let both men go. Not one of them (Chase or Luke) really demanded much of an explanation from Jojo as to why she insisted on hearing the words, even though both men showed her multiple times on multiple occasions. I mean, hello. . .Yib Yab anyone? But maybe, just maybe they were both trying to imprint some positivity on the #nextbachelor selection committee.
Tonight is the night. Will it be #prettyboy Robby or #canipleasegetfromundermybrothersshadow Jordan? Both will meet Jojo’s family and this BXTCH is praying that mama Fletcher whips out the bottle and just goes for it. #parentingdoneright They will also each get one more date in a final attempt in making Jojo theirs. We, because it was certainly a group effort, #ittakesavillage, began this journey with 26 gorgeous (minus Evan the weenie), successful, albeit slightly crazy men and the two best are standing (okay, even I don’t believe that lie, not a fan of #prettyboy).
It’s time to meet the parents and Jordan is up first.
Let’s just lay it out. Jordan arrives to meet Jojo’s mom, dad, brothers (2), and what I assume is a sister (later found out that she is in fact a sister), though she doesn’t get really any airtime. In Jordan’s confessional, he talks about how it is really important to him that he does ask her father for her hand in marriage, but he needs to just know that the moment is right to sit down with her parents and ask permission to make Jojo Mrs. Rodgers. Upon meeting Jojo’s fam, Jordan fits right in. There really didn’t seem to be any uncomfortable, awkward “Hi, I’m Jordan” moment. It just glided really easily. #nolubenecessary I don’t know if this is because maybe he met them off camera first, so the “initial” meeting looked smoother than it would’ve been or if they had to do multiple takes to achieve it or if Jordan is just so darn likable that it was very genuine. But regardless, it worked. Once they gather around a table set up for lunch to not eat #whoeatsfoodforlunch, Jordan bestows gifts to the family. . .goofy hats. It was cheesy, but cute. I guess really just a way for him to break the ice even more. When Jordan sits down with Jojo’s mom, who only had a glass of wine, not the bottle. #yourebetterthanthatsoraya The main concern for Soraya (mom) is Jojo’s trust issues. She doesn’t come right out and say that some motherfucker cheated on Jojo, but that is the impression I get when she basically tells Jordan that women will turn their heads to look at him, so how does she know that he won’t hurt her princess (again, I’m just paraphrasing). He makes the promise of never breaking Jojo’s heart. Now, this is where shit gets interesting. When Soraya goes to Jojo to dish about Jordan, her concern is that Jordan is Jojo. From what I can garner and this is merely a #BXTCHinterpretation, Jojo likes to enter a room and have all eyes on her, she wants to be the focal point, the problem her mom has with Jordan is he will be the focal point, taking the attention away from her princess. Jordan is charming, he is very likable, so basically she is concerned that Jordan would be Prince William while Jojo would be Camilla Bowles. Oh, lawdy miss clawdy. . .how difficult it must be to have two beautiful people in a relationship and not be able to be the only magnet? Well shit, this BXTCH can guarantee that if Jojo would’ve picked Evan the Weenie, this would not be a problem that she would be contemplating. You can’t have it all girl, #beautifulpeopleproblems. I need a drink. It’s time for a bit of. . .
BXTCH side commentary: I understand that this is a big, beautiful world, filled with all types of people who were raised differently from this BXTCH. But, love is love, right? I mean, you love someone, you wanna marry that someone, he asks permission, gets down on one knee and you say yes, and then you set off to start a life together. So, now one of the issues that can come in between someone and their true love is if that person draws attention away from you when you enter the room as a couple? This is now on the list? Not. . .do we share the same core values that we need to raise our family OR are you someone who will fight for our marriage when times may get rough OR even when I’m at my worse, you still see the most beautiful woman you have ever laid eyes on OR are you more Kanye or more Bieber? If the idea of Jordan “stealing your thunder” or any of your weather for that matter, is truly a worry for you, then I ask you the following question. . .“what in the fuck are you going to do when you have a daughter?”, because I can promise with 100% accuracy that once that day comes, she will catch every eye first, even that of your father, so be careful how you play that game #princess. Back to the show.
When Jordan sits down with daddy-o, he (dad) brings up the same trust issues that mom brought up and Jordan again tries to assure him that her heart is safe, unfortunately, Jordan did not ask permission. . .but let’s not have a BXTCHfit yet, his reasoning actually makes a lot of sense (we’ll discuss it in the date portion of this post), but during his confessional, you can see that even Jordan is beginning to think that he made a mistake by not doing the one thing he told Jojo he would do and of course during Jojo’s confessional, she absolutely believes that Jordan did ask. #realitytv Jojo says her goodbyes to Jordan while assuring him that the visit went really well.
It’s now #prettyboys turn and I should probably offer you this small disclaimer: I do not like Robby, like at all, not one bit. The only quality that he has that I am attracted to is this. . .that motherfucker has a killer body, though I’m not quite convinced that he actually knows how to use it. I know, it’s quite shallow, but hey. . .this BXTCH will call it like I want, it’s my blog.
Robby shows up and is greeted, very excitedly, by Jojo and he then heads inside to try and pull the wool over the family’s eyes. When Robby is talking to the camera, he expresses his excitement over being able to ask Jojo’s dad for her hand in marriage because it’s something he’s been wanting to do since he first said “I love you” in Uruguay. Open mouth, insert finger, and pray for the vomit to flow, sweet baby Jesus, this asshat puts my gag reflex to the test weekly. Robby and Jojo first sit down with the entire clan and discuss the beginning of the courtship and while I thought it was eye-rolling at the very least, her family seemed to be eating that shit right up, they won’t touch food, but they shovel that right into the pie hole. Just like Jordan’s meeting, they move to the dining room table where the wine flowed freely and the food was non-existent. Robby takes the family back to the cliffs in Uruguay, where Jojo told Robby that she liked him and he thought that the correct reply to that comment was to say “I love you”, of course I’m translating a bit of that for you, but you know what I mean. My personal opinion is that this was the kind of story that should’ve been private or at the very least, shared when millions of people across the country witnessed it for the very first time. My point, it seems that Robby was trying to convince Jojo’s family that he loves her, when actions will show them all what they need to know. Soraya sits down with Robby and discusses trust. He puts on his best game face and tells her that his love for Jojo is his top priority and that his future will revolve around that love. He goes on to say that he is ready to propose and he is for sure that Jojo is the one. Soraya sums it all up when she tells Robby. . .“I’m giving you a princess” (more on that in my final thoughts). When the time comes for Robby to ask permission, he includes Jojo’s mother (which was a good move), he lays it on, presents his case to the ones whose opinion matters most and while he does give a compelling argument, I don’t see it, but I didn’t spend hours in labor to bring Jojo into this world. . .funny story, I do have a Jojo that I did spend several hours of labor to bring into this world, but unlike Soraya and Joe, I would tell my Jojo to run far away from the farce that is Robby, but that Jojo isn’t my Jojo, so my opinion is worth about as much as the flowers that Luke made into a pretty heart while showing Jojo how much he loved her. . .#absolutelynothing. Thankfully for Robby, it’s not my opinion because it’s #notmyjojo, but Jojo’s parents give their permission. Robby and Jojo say goodbye with their tongues, while Jojo’s family discusses the two remaining prospects. From the POV of the viewer, it seems that the family may very well throw their endorsement behind team #prettyboy.
Now that both wanna be fiancees have been vetted by the family, it’s time to make the presentation. While the entire family likes Jordan, they all think that Robby is husband material. One of the reasons why. . .Robby asked permission. When Jojo wants to know about Jordan asking, she is shocked to learn that it didn’t happen. Of course, this seems to really throw Jojo for a loop, considering the fact that Jordan told her that it was important for him to look into the eyes of the father of the girl that he intends to make his and ask for permission. This is not going to help quell Jojo’s issues about Jordan’s ability to commit AT ALL. This BXTCH is crying some serious tears over this decision. I get it, well I think I do. I mean, deciding between a douche bag and someone you have had a connection to ever since you both uttered the words “hello”, I can see where you are torn up. Fuck Hillary or Trump, the real decision is Robby or Jordan. Of course, we could kick start some new show ideas if she is really that torn. . .#threescompany #brotherhusbands, or we could just go for another month or so with just Robby and Jordan and courtship the old fashioned way. The downside to all of this is Jojo starts to play a very dangerous game of “what if”.
I gotta take a side bar for a moment, if just to enlighten you for a bit. When Jojo brought Ben home to meet her family, the initial introductions included a sister, but once those were out of the way, we didn’t see her again. Fast forward to tonight and Jojo is introducing her family to Jordan and Robby. Now, for this introduction, we had the same family members that met Ben. The two brothers that attempted, foolishly, to give Ben a verbal smackdown, but didn’t speak one harsh word to Jordan or Robby,. . .Ben and Matt Patton, I’m assuming that these two brothers are Soraya’s from a previous marriage/relationship, which would make them half brothers to Jojo. Rachel Fletcher is the sister with no voice, who was also there to meet Ben as well as Jordan and Robby. There is another brother, Peter Fletcher, who we have yet to meet (and now we won’t), but a simple Google search and a quick peek at his Facebook page (promise, I’m not a stalker), reveals that he is very recently married (June, I believe) and maybe, just maybe that’s why he didn’t make his way down to Thailand. Let’s recap. . .Soraya (mom) brought two sons into her marriage to Joe and Joe (dad) brought in a son and a daughter, which leaves Jojo as being the only child that came as a result of their union and I must say, that explains a lot. While I think many things are staged and scripted with reality television, you certainly could not fake the way that Jojo feels about her mom and dad and the way that mom, dad, and the two brothers feel about Jojo. I leave out the sister, because we didn’t hear a peep from her. You would think that someone looking for a little guidance when it comes to finding her true love would seek out some solid sister time, but nope, she was on the couch when we met the family, she was on the couch when we left the family. I know that this little digression probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but with all of that said, you can certainly understand the “princess” comment a bit more now. Jojo is Soraya’s only daughter and the baby of a blended family. I ain’t mad at ya, I just hope Jojo’s expectations aren’t the kind that no man can reach, but more on that later. It’s time for the last hurrah if you will.
It’s Robby’s last attempt at pleading his case on why he should be at the top of the husband food chain. They head to the beach where they put on a very believable display of two people madly in love. Once they head to the sand to picnic, Jojo asks Robby what he envisions life like for them. Hand to God, I kid you not. . .this motherfucker actually walked her through a “night in the life of the Hayes household” and when I say that, I mean a Robby and Jojo Hayes household, down to burnt meatloaf and kids playing on the ground. Holy shit, I do not think that is what she meant. That story was so rehearsed, he couldn’t done it better standing on a Broadway stage, he should be nominated for an Emmy this fall in the “whose bullshit was better” category. Okay, not an actual category, but c’mon. Hope girl, you dodged a bullet. He wants everything now, kids. . .dogs. . .meatloaf. . .the most comfortable sofa ever. . .IT’S A RED FLAG. . .ABORT!! They did get in a bit of a Yib Yab, so maybe Jojo likes the idea of burnt meatloaf. Jojo then heads over to Robby’s hotel suite, Robby’s main focus if for Jojo to know that he has no doubts where their union is concerned and that she is the perfect girl for him and he is the perfect guy for her. He does tell her that if she is doubtful then he wants her to ask questions, which may be the smartest thing that I have heard him say, his goal is for her to walk away, sure. Jojo continues to use the fact that Robby was the first one to confess love as the reason why they have made it so far in the process, which again are just words, not actions. But, I suppose the only thing you can do to convince someone that their future is safe with you, is to tell them that. I think the “aha” moment here is Jojo’s mother basically saying that she (Jojo) may have to share the spotlight with Jordan, that it won’t be 100% focused on her, while Robby seems to be the kind of guy that will allow Jojo to walk into a room first with him following behind. And everything Robby tells her is pretty perfect, it’s just that is the problem, how do you know after only 2 months of a courtship? Unfortunately, I think that Jojo comes from a family that has made her promises, promises that they have fulfilled, so she has no reason to believe that Robby won’t do the same. ABC comes through and allows Robby to gift Jojo with pictures from their journey. Who doesn’t have a professional photographer following them around capturing their quest to find true love?
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Jojo doesn’t seem as enthusiastic in her greeting of Jordan, she does come around though. They take their date to the water, in some Goonie style boat where they drink wine #duh and do a little bit of making out. I will say that it seems as if Jojo isn’t really into it at this point, she does admit in her confessional that Jordan does have the complete package, that BXTCH must play a really badass game of ping pong. She says that he is her best friend, they’re similar (her words), they can laugh together, they’re comfortable around one another, they have fun, but then she brings up the fears. At the top of that list is the wondering of why Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage. They escape the Goonies for a smaller boat and an excursion into some “cave like” structures, beautiful is what it is. Once they hit the blanket, conversation picks up. Jordan tells her that he loved her family, even going as far to say that her sister was “a sweetheart”, so she obviously does know how to speak and Jojo is curious to know what it was that he and her dad talked about. I’m not sure why she just doesn’t come out and ask him why he didn’t ask for permission, but I see Jojo as the type of girl to make comments like “I look god-awful in this teeny tiny bikini”, just to get her man to compliment her on her rocking body, so back to the “fishing”. And while I was so nervous that Jordan was going to lie (I don’t know why I though that), he didn’t. He tells her that he told her dad that he loved her and how he really felt about her and while he was dying to ask permission to hit the knee, he didn’t and here’s why. Now, I’m gonna paraphrase for y’all a bit. When he imagined what it would be like to ask the father of the woman he loved if he could have her hand in marriage, he always imagined that the father would be sure that the man standing before him is the man his daughter wanted to marry. Of course, Jojo brings up their past conversations and the fact that Jordan knows how important this step is for her and how does he expect to get down on one knee if he hasn’t yet received the blessing of her family. I’m gonna try to explain Jordan’s answer in the best way that I can, so just roll with it. He has to again, assure Jojo that he is ready for the next step, then he goes on to tell her that he didn’t think it was fair to ask Joe’s permission when her family hadn’t even met Robby yet, he also doesn’t know if it’s him that she’ll pick in the end, he wants her family to know what it is that she wants before he slides the promise of forever on her finger and when she pushes even further by asking him what happens in two days if he doesn’t have the blessing, will he still propose, he answers as honestly as anyone could have with a simple “I don’t know”. I do think that Jordan begins to second guess his decision because Jojo is second guessing his intentions. I think it’s very ironic that Luke and Chase were sent home because of their hesitation to say “I love you”, but she expects both guys to ask for her hand in marriage without hearing any sort of “I love you” from her, she is just wanting them to trust that she has shown them enough love by her actions, #karmaistherealBXTCH. Just like with Robby, Jojo heads to Jordan’s hotel room and this is a woman on a mission. I guess the explanation that he offered up earlier didn’t do much to set her at ease, because she wants more answers. Mainly, if he is so sure that he loves her, then why not go ahead and ask? Here’s the rundown. . .he knows that he is 100% sure that she is the one, he wants to make sure that she is 100% sure that he is the one. Easy enough. Now he does tell her that it may have been a risk to not ask, but it was a risk he was willing to take. In his confessional, you can see that he is upset with himself that he upset her, he ends with telling her that there isn’t a doubt in his mind. Because of her disappointment, he does eventually (not that night) pick up the phone and ask both Joe and Soraya for Jojo’s hand in marriage.
I’m gonna try to fly through the rest of this episode.
It’s time to pick out the ring and Robby gets first choice. Once the selection is made, Robby takes pen to paper in an attempt to put his thoughts and feelings into words. Jordan starts his day off with making the all important phone call, he asks, they grant, he then heads out to pick out the ornament that will hopefully attach him and Jojo, hip to hip. He too sits down to write out his thoughts, almost an apology of sorts, in his letter. When the time comes for Jojo to read both letters, she starts with Jordan’s, if he needed a bottom of the 9th, 2 out, 2 strikes, walk off homer, he hit it out of the park. Robby starts his letter off with a “Ms. Fletcher”, so that should tell you how this BXTCH felt about his letter, but it did almost send Jojo into a full fledged panic attack, so I guess in a way, it worked.
It’s time for the final rose to be given and it looks as if she is uncertain right up to the moment the first guy arrives. Since Robby steps out first, I’m sure you can imagine my ear to ear grin, because c’mon, you have to know that the one who opens the door first, is the one first sent away. Jojo does tell Robby that she does love him and she wanted it to be him, but it’s not in her heart. Now, we have all seen the absurdness that is Robby, his sureness that Jojo is the one he is meant to be with for the rest of time, the burnt meatloaf and the dreaming of kids. . .but when she tells him that he is not the one, she is very upset, so much so that I’m pretty sure the make-up people had to come and do a touch up, but not a tear falls from his eyes. Even on the car ride back, no tears, oh he tried, it was just nothing fell. Shit, Derrick got sent home after doing the Tango and when there were still many guys left and sat in a car in crying like a baby, but all we got from Robby was an attempt to cry and sheer shock that Jojo didn’t fall for everything he threw her way, well, she may have fell for it, but she fell harder for Jordan. Speaking of. . .Jordan makes his arrival, Jojo seems to be over her break-up with Robby, Jordan gives the speech of his life, Jojo tells him the she is so in love with him, he drops to the knee, with a “Joelle Hannah Fletcher, will you marry me?”, I get into an argument with my husband on why his proposal couldn’t be more romantic and she gives him a thumbs up. . .not really, but that would’ve been awesome, she does say “Yes, Oh My God!”
Will it last? Who knows. After the Final Rose wasn’t too interesting, Robby did come out and try to find some closure, though I’m sure his closure came during his drive away from Jojo, but he did pretend to be blindsided by her dismissal of his love. When Jordan joins Jojo on the stage, there was some sort of relief. I’m not sure if it’s because their relationship up to this point has been mostly by phone and now the world knows that Jordan was the one. Who knows, they do seem to love one another and they did announce that they already have a house in Dallas and will be moving in with one another ASAP. I guess only time will tell.
My first foray into the Bachelor franchise was with Ben Higgins and while I went in trying to be open minded and not so cynical, Ben convinced me. I didn’t believe in this idea that one could find an ever after. . .buffet style. But Ben seemed to really be engrossed in the process with the hopes of finding the one that he would want to make babies with, so I had high hopes for Jojo, she was one of my favorites from Ben’s season. And at first, she did a really good job of playing the part, of really convincing me that she wanted to change her last name or at the very least, hyphenate it. It wasn’t until she did things like. . .keeping guys like Evan around, okay there was no one like Evan, but you get it. . .insisting that because Luke and Chase didn’t speak the words that they showed, that they needed to go home. . .but the clincher was Robby. Even if #prettyboy really loved her, did she really believe that someone could break-up with a girl that he had been with for 4 years and just shy of 3 months later he involves himself in a process of forever. No recovery time, no rebound, no one night stand fucking, no mourning at all. But not even stopping and questioning whether or not he applied to the show while still with this ex. Then not even 4 months after ending the long term relationship, he is not only professing his undying love for someone, but he knows “she is the one”. Shouldn’t that send up a red flag? But here is why I think that maybe Jojo really believed Robby when he put her up on her pedestal.
Her family. Just with the tiny glimpse that ABC gave us into Jojo’s family, told enough to understand why Jojo is the way she is. First, I will say it again, it is clearly obvious that the love that Jojo has for her family and the love that her family has for her, is authentic, is real, is unbreakable, is enviable. That’s not up for debate. But, it is also apparent that Jojo doesn’t get told no often and when her mom says “I’m giving you a princess”, a truer statement has not been made on this show. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want or be able to give your kids the world, but know what you are setting those who have to live with them up for. When you teach your kids that unicorns exist, they believe it and they expect nothing less. I think it’s great to want the fairytale, I even think it’s great to settle for nothing less, but fairytales don’t always have to be ribbons and roses, sometime the fairytale comes by overcoming obstacles and facing challenges. Cinder-fucking-rella, got her fairytale, but look what she went through to get it.
Robby was successful at convincing Jojo his love was authentic because Robby figured out who Jojo was very early on. I’m sure he also watched her on The Bachelor, so he understood the right words to say, which is why it was on constant loop that he said “I love you” first. Jojo’s mother was even concerned with Jojo being able to share attention with Jordan, which is why when Chase left her without offering her any sort of comfort, she went after him. It was beyond her capability to allow him to be upset with her. Jordan gave the most perfect explanation to why he didn’t ask her dad permission and she still didn’t get it, because all she heard was the fact that he didn’t ask so she translated that to “he doesn’t want to marry me”, even though he insisted that he was 100% in love with her.
I don’t know Jojo, but from what she has revealed about her past relationship history, it appears that she has been in a relationship since she was 18 years old. Her identity seems to be directly related to who she is with. I’m not mad at that, I think it’s sad, but I can understand. What upsets me is she took multiple men along for a ride that I’m not sure she was 100% committed to. Do I think she loves Jordan? Yes, I absolutely do. And maybe during the process she started to take it serious, I just don’t know if I can believe that because of Robby.
So, if Jojo is serious about Jordan and he really is #theone, then I’m happy for both of them. What I want her to understand is that the fairytale is certainly standing in Thailand while the love of your life drops to his knee, saying everything you have ever wanted to hear, but the other side of that fairytale is. . .waking up with dried drool on your mouth and with a serious case of dragon breath. . .forgetting to double flush and him seeing your “dirty marks” in the toilet. . .or worse, you not being able to stop the rumble in your stomach and him hearing the musical notes coming out of your ass. . .him finding your hair extensions, because let’s face it, you don’t #wakeuplikethis. . .finding that awful pair of period panties because your flow was a bit heavier than you anticipated. . .farting during sex. . .farting while asleep. . .getting pissed off because he is breathing just a touch too loud. That’s the unicorn. The romance and the sweetness is easy, it’s him watching you push a baby out of your vagina but knowing he can’t wait to sink his cock into you again. . .it’s knowing that you don’t even like to look at yourself in the mirror because you feel as if you’ve gained too much weight, but all he sees is the most beautiful woman in the world. . .it’s knowing that he sees your stretch marks as a badge of honor. . .when things get so hectic that all you know yourself as is that of a mom and a wife, but he still sees the woman he fell in love with. . .that’s the other side of the fairytale, the kind you won’t see in a Disney movie anytime soon.
Well, actually Tuesday’s now. . .for Bachelor in Paradise. . .stay tuned, BXTCHES!
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