Monthly Archives: February 2017

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: This episode is bipolar at it’s best and the things you hated about high school at its worse. Each week, my sister and I comment on the rivers of alcohol that just flows through this show. . .I understand a bit more after tonight. It’s hard for me to imagine what is happening in living rooms across the country as these ladies re-watch themselves, most likely with their friends and family in attendance. The one word I can think of. . .mortification. But, without further ado, let’s get right into Episode #6.

Last Week On. . .The theme for this season must be “Let’s See How Far We Can Bring America to the Brink of Orgasm, then Pull Out”, because once again we were left wondering “what the fuck” and once again it involved Corinne and Taylor. Those two were the lucky recipients of the dreaded two-on-one date and after Corinne cries on Nick’s shoulder, telling him that Taylor is not only a bully, but called her a stupid head as well, Nick leaves Taylor in the swamp. While we may think Taylor is going to make her exit with her head held high, she is actually gonna participate in some voodoo swamp ceremony, then head into New Orleans to confront Nick about Corinne straight on. And now. . .

BXTCH side commentary: Before we get to any sort of smackdown, we are gifted with getting to see the girls all sitting around and discussing the ins and outs of the two-on-one. I’m sure this conversation covers the gamut of all the w’s (who/what/when/where/why), but my curiosity is directed elsewhere. Do you think that they all naturally come together in the living room to chit chat or are forced together by the powers that be? I feel that if I were one of these ladies, then the last place I would want to be is discussing my boyfriend with his 12 or so other girlfriends. I can now see where the nap is so enticing to Corinne. I just wanna be behind the scenes for one season, that’s all I need.

When Taylor arrives at what is maybe an abandoned church (?), the look of surprise on Corinne’s face is priceless. Did no one think to question how she found out where the romantic non-dinner was taking place? Regardless of how the mystery was solved, Nick humors her (begrudgingly) by allowing her take him outside and give him a full disclosure rundown on Corinne. In the meantime, Corinne is left talking to herself and displaying to America a very ratty and in need of a tighten, #whitegirlweave. Surely, you’re allowed to run a brush through that thing. Anywho, back to business. After Taylor lays out her cards, Nick assures her that him letting her go had nothing to do with what Corinne told him and that he doesn’t believe that she (Taylor) is actually a bully. Once back inside, he gives the rundown to Corinne, in the end saying that his decision was based on where his heart was. I think he is confusing the words “heart” and “dick”, because I’m on board with him allowing his dick to guide him where matters of Corinne are concerned, but there is no fucking way he is going to convince me that him keeping her around has anything to do with his heart. I have yet to see an adult conversation take place between the two of them for crying out loud. Their one-on-one time reminds me of two teenagers talking on the phone for the very first time. You know, when you were younger and your crush called and it was mostly dead air with a few “I’m glad you called”  and “me too” thrown in, neither of you want to hang up, but have nothing to say. That’s Corinne and Nick, just the adult version. It’s just a bunch of kissing and talking that doesn’t really equal a conversation. But, I will say that this BXTCH cannot wait for the Women Tell All and I secretly hope that Nick’s mama slaps him upside his head when this is all said and done. 

There is zero foreplay leading up the The Rose Ceremony, Nick is jumping right in, no lube needed. Because of roses previously given out, Danielle M., Rachel, and Corinne are all safe from having to pack their bags and call this experiment done. Others that can breath a sigh of relief are: Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine, and Whitney. That leaves. . .Alexis, Josephine, and Jaimi, left to ponder what went wrong and why even though they are just in their 20’s, are destined to not ever find love, and will be forced to live the remainder of their years with a shit ton of cats. BXTCH side commentary: Lots of tears were shed and I wonder if the waterworks are not necessarily for being denied the ever after with Nick, but are for leaving behind whatever friendships they have built. Just a thought. It’s to the point now, where we as fans are sad to see certain girls sent home, and for me that person was Alexis. Now, I knew he was never going to pick her, but I was really wanting to see them go on a one-on-one, just to see her shine. And I would not be upset if she were to be picked as the new Bachelorette. Think it over ABC. St. Thomas is the next stop for Nick and his harem.

This Week On. . .Tonight Nick will bless us with (1) one-on-one date; (1) group date; and (1) two-on-one. Insert gasp here, I know BXTCHES. . .I was shocked to my core also.

There is no time to waste for Nick once he arrives in St. Thomas and meets up with the ladies. After hugs are given out, Nick decides to start his one-on-one date, right then and there. Much to the dismay of both Whitney and Jasmine, Kristina is the one singled out. And this overlook of Jasmine, has brought her crazy out in full force. . .more on that later. There really isn’t too much “fancy” happening on this date (which this BXTCH appreciates). We find Nick and Kristina on a picnic”ish”, when the conversation turns to Kristina’s family. Here is what we learned: She is from Russia, she was adopted into a family of eight kiddos altogether (four biological/four adopted), she also has a 27 year old sister in Russia that she rarely speaks to. The daytime portion of their date ends with a quick frolic in the ocean. 

Meanwhile at the hotel. . .Vanessa is imparting some Virgin Island history, while the ladies sit and look as if they would rather be anywhere but listening to Vanessa. Maybe these BXTCHES take trips to the islands on the regular, but one has to wonder why in the fuck they are all just sitting around listening to how Denmark used to own the islands. Go to the beach, go explore, you could even find the hotel salon and get your #whitegirlweave tightened up. Corinne is still going on about Taylor, which would lead one to believe that somebody has themselves a girl crush. When Lorna aka St. Thomas Raquel shows up, Corinne is in her element. I sure as shit hope that ABC enticed Corinne to behave as a spoiled rich kid, because when she actually asks this woman to iron her dress, even I wanted to spike her wine with a little Visine.

When Nick and Kristina meet up for the evening, conversation turns back to Kristina and her family. I did find it interesting that in her confessional, Kristina admits to how hard it is to open up about that part of her life, but she recognizes how important it is to do so, if she is ever going to find love. While I am intrigued by her story, it wasn’t that hard for her to open up, considering that during a group date not that long ago, she tried to do just that and Nick stopped her, so it’s obviously something she was ready to do. But back to her childhood. She was dealt a shitty hand when it comes to moms, and to make a long story short, when she was five or six, she went against her mom and ate (after she was forbidden to do so), her mom kicked her out, and she found herself in an orphanage. She was adopted around 12 and brought to America. She was never given the opportunity to ask her mom questions, and now that her mom has passed, that day will never come. Lifetime couldn’t have written this script better. It was certainly a solemn moment that even brought a tear to Nick’s eye. I do think she is someone who really lives her life to the fullest and takes nothing for granted. The date went well, Nick offered up the rose, she accepted, I just didn’t see any electricity between them, even when Nick began to lay it on really thick. I do however believe that Kristina has a lot to offer that special someone and if anyone deserves an easy life filled with tons of happiness, it is her. This date certainly made me like her more. 

Meanwhile at the hotel. . .The date card arrives and we learn that Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine are the ones picked for the group date, which leaves Whitney and Danielle L., left to ponder why Nick has picked them two for the ultimate duel.

Group date: “Love’s a beach”. . .Jesus, Mary, and Joseph who is coming up with these clues. I hope the intention isn’t to make panties wet, because take it from this BXTCH. . .it ain’t working. And we will soon find out that love may be a bitch, but a beach it is not. They head to a. . .? You guessed it, a beach and start the date off playing some games and kicking back some cocktails, all seems to be going well, until the 3-on-3 volleyball match commences. And I don’t have tons of experience dating a guy who is also dating eight other girls and I just so happen to be on a date with him and five of those girls, but my guess is the last thing that should be going down is a game where the goal is to stuff your opponent with a hard ball. I should go ahead and point out that volleyball is not the game for any of these girls, but especially when copious amount of liquor have been consumed and Corinne is blitzed out of her fucking gourd. She should probably consider a liver scan once this show has wrapped up, because my Grey’s Anatomy training tells me that hers is pretty fucked up. But because of her inebriated state, Nick is showing her a little extra attention, now I don’t know if this is because he is a genuine caring guy or if he is hoping to cop a feel, regardless, those other BXTCHES ain’t taking his kindness too well. This whole fiasco is forcing the crazy out of Jasmine, she even goes as far as to push Corinne to the ground, which I’m sure we all gave a silent fist bump to, but when it forces Nick to become concerned, her point is somewhat moot. They all wind up quitting and taking some alone time, which will lead me to. . .BXTCH side commentary: I would like to ask these lovely ladies what they had in mind when they signed up for this experiment and if they have ever even seen an episode of this show. I get the frustration with Corinne, but they had to expect it. Where I’m confused is their disappointment in the lack of one-on-one time during a group date. And where I’m even more confused is the lack of creativity. I can’t imagine a group date being too terribly fun, but if I were the Bachelor or Ette, I would use that time to observe and see how well my potential soul mate interacts with those where jealousy is a main component of their relationships with one another. If I were a contestant, I would use that time to show my one and only how friendly I am, in spite of my jealously. These women were stressing out over a volleyball game. Seriously? Vanessa went as far as to say. . .“I’m just fed up with it. I’m just fed up with having to compete for time, I’m fed up with having to get his attention.” This motherfucker has multiple girlfriends, which they are one of (willingly), resentment rights were given up at the door on night one. Y’all need to get over yourselves and get your man. I don’t really wanna rewind back to Ben’s season, BUT, he had a group date that was dissolving quicker than sugar in hot tea and when he finally recognized it, he went to Jojo to try and figure out what was going wrong, which not only helped Ben within the date, but gave Jojo a bit of an edge. Nick acknowledges that the date is not going well, but makes no attempt to salvage it. It’s time to show off those balls, Nick. 

When cocktail hour hits, I think Nick was hoping for some sort of recovery, so he starts with Rachel. Now, she lays it all out and explains the trepidation that she has when going into a group date and even more specific, the doubts she had after tonight’s group date. It seemed as though Nick listened, it also seemed as though he was freaking out thinking that Rachel was going to leave (on her own). Most of the night was focused on Jasmine and the crazy she has decided to unleash. In fact, the only two conversation we really got to eavesdrop on were Rachel’s and Jasmine’s. It should be said, I think all of us BXTCHES have some crazy buried deep. . .BUT, you never expose that shit until the one in question at least knows how well you can straddle him and take him to the rodeo. You never unmask the crazy before you suck the dick. I may need to write a book. Jasmine has set her crazy  free with gusto and there is no way to shove that shit back in its can. Her tirade starts with just the girls. She is going on about not ever getting a date rose, about not being noticed, about not spending time with him, about how lucky he would be to be with her (I’m not sure “lucky” is the right word to use there), about how she wants to choke him and how she is just looking for validation. All of this venting brings her to make the (unwise) decision to confront Nick whenever she does get her time with him. The entire discussion starts out okay, it’s more Jasmine telling Nick that she’s confused because she has yet to be knighted with a rose or a one-on-one date and the importance of those things are just to large to have them pass you up, then the tears start to flow and the “I really care about you” spills out. I don’t think this is where she made her mistake. But I will say this, and stay with me here, I do have a point, her worry is because of the lack of just Nick and Jasmine alone time, and that he has not had the chance to really get to know her, so she feels that her relationship with him is not making the same progress as his relationship is with the majority of the other girls. But if this is the case, then how is it she can “really care about him” and “really see potential” and “see a future with him”, because she has had the exact same alone time with him, that he has had with her, and if she is able to feel all of these things for him without the added benefit of a full day alone with just him and her, then he should somewhat be feeling the same things toward her. But even as she is wiping away her tears, he’s still trying to work through the issues that she is feeling insecure about. It’s when she says “I just want to fucking choke you so bad” and actually places her hand to his throat, then continues down that weird path, alluding to it being sexual and even calling it a “chokie”. . .that is where she loses him and you can see the realization dawn on him that whatever crazy she is serving up, he ain’t even interested in the sample, especially after she insinuates that if he were to get his dick wet with her, she very well may place her two hands around his neck, all in the name of a good time, but also in the name of a chokie. I don’t know if Nick is straight up vanilla, but from the look in his eyes as this is going down, he for sure as shit ain’t about no choke hold. . .in or out of the bedroom. If you yet haven’t figured it out, Nick says goodbye to Jasmine. Now, what have we learned from this group date BXTCHES? Alcohol and beach sports do not mix, especially when you are on a date with your boyfriend and five of this other girlfriends. Wait until your one and only has sunk in so deep that when you release the crazy, he is already a goner and is willing to put up with it. And probably the most important lesson. . .keep the kinky shit to yourself until the goods he has sampled are just so gourmet, his mouth is watering at whatever it is you’re serving up next. On a “I’m Not at All Bitter” side note, since Nick has sent Jasmine to pack her bags, she now doesn’t think that this last run for Nick is actually going to work out. While we didn’t see who got the group date rose, we learn from Rachel that it was Raven.

Meanwhile back at the hotel. . .The tension is high and emotions are scattered all over the place. Corinne is about to relax in a bubble bath and there is not one sign of champagne or liquor anywhere near her, so you know shit has just gotten real. Rachel, Raven, and Kristina are all cuddled up in bed together, which could be some fantastic spank bank material if Nick were to just walk in and get a visual, however the tears running down Rachel’s face would most likely deflate that erection as soon as it popped up.

Two-on-One: The date kicks off with Danielle L., Whitney, and Nick all taking a ride in a helicopter and finding some seclusion on a beach. Because if you’re gonna be left stranded, why not have it happen in the middle of a beach in paradise? I’m pretty pissed about this two-on-one, not because there is another one, I’m irritated at who he put up against each other. Danielle L. or D. Lo as we learn later on, has had a one-on-one date with Nick, she has had the opportunity to establish some sort of connection, Whitney has only been on group dates and from what I can clue in on, she is pretty shy, so any relationship that they have begun to build, is not going to be as strong as the one he has started with D. Lo. He should’ve at least paired Whitney with Jasmine or paired Danielle with someone who has had the benefit of a one-on-one date. It’s almost like this is Nick’s very first time playing this game. And another reason I hate this two-on-one shit. . .I feel that the contestant has to spend the time selling themselves. So, it doesn’t take a detective to know that Nick is gonna leave Whitney right where he dropped her off and take off with Danielle. Which is another reason to add to the pile of why to hate these type of dates. . .they’re humiliating to the one not picked. Now, because Danielle was the chosen one, they get to continue the date, which brings us to their face to face time. Danielle has previously told Nick that he is someone she sees herself falling in love with and the toast they share at their non-dinner, has Nick saying “Here’s to, uh. . .what I hope is an amazing night and to, um, getting back to where we left things off on our first one-on-one.” Which spurred a counter toast from Danielle “Cheers to our second one-on-one.” So, any BXTCH watching would think that things are going well. They talk about their first date and how much fun they had dancing and then. . .Nick starts to mumble and sweat profusely, which starts to send out some warning signals, well to me, Danielle is just chatting away like there are no cares to be had anywhere. When he asks her what two words describe the type of relationship that she would want, and she can’t use “honesty” or “communication”, because those are a given. . .she says “love” (which I would think is also a given) and “trust”. Now, I don’t like either of her answers, there too textbook. They’re the answers someone who hasn’t had a lot of relationship experience would say. Now, I’m not holding her naiveté against her. I think it’s a great eyes wide open quality to have. I just think in that moment she could’ve said so many other adjectives that pinpoint her needs and she went with the two that she thought he wanted to hear. I have to admit that I’m glad he went with this line of questioning. That one question allowed so many more questions to be answered, without having to ask. When she fired the same question back at him, his response was “adventurous” and “raw”. . .those are two powerful words and even more reason to join #teamnick. Here’s where I think her downfall began to occur, she treats him too much like a celebrity. Everything is a giggle and a fake laugh. Any foundation laid at this point is shaky, because there has been no substance, until he asked that one question. In my more than qualified opinion, I think she needs a bit more heartbreak before she starts to pick out bridesmaids dresses or at the very least, learn how to maneuver her heart through tough times, while still hand in hand with the one she has promised herself to. She even mentioned, within the conversation, that she feels he can come to her with concerns or questions he may have and that is something that her previous relationships have lacked. Let’s slow our roll a bit. One date. That is all she has had with him up to this point, one date. And it’s through this date that he is already better than previous relationships? C’mon, I’m all for the fairy tale, but even that causes my forehead to wrinkle. Goddamn, those Backstreet Boys must weave some serious magic. And what is even more interesting? She isn’t able to read his face, read his mumbles, read between the lines of what he is saying, because she says to him that they are on the same page. Well, that may be true, but they are nowhere near the same book. Then she says the words that you know are her undoing. . .“I’m falling in love with you”. Those are the equivalent to hearing “I’ll be right back”, in a horror movie. The end is near in either case. Even the music was ominous. . .if only ABC would’ve pumped that in during the date. Tears were shed, apologies were given, but in the end. . .Danielle wasn’t meant to be Nick’s forever. 

What a coincidence, when all the girls are sitting around chattering on about how Whitney is gone and even though it’s assumed that Danielle L. is coming back, anything is possible. Then BAM! Someone comes walking through the door, without a key or knocking, to collect Danielle’s suitcase. You could’ve told these BXTCHES that MAC has stopped production on their favorite foundation and I don’t think the gasp would’ve been louder. Nick is warring with some serious internal battle, one that leads him to the girls’ suite, without a key or knocking, and I lied about the previous gasp, Nick walking through that door, was pure shock. If they were expecting it, they didn’t crack when the director yelled “ACTION!”. On a more sobering note, Nick is pretty emotional when he enters the room. It’s not a two-way conversation, it’s Nick spilling his heart and telling the ladies about where he thought he was with Danielle and how his relationship with her fell flat and he is worried that the same will happen with the ones left. He’s terrified that he will come out of this circus, still single. He ends with a “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” And right when our jaw hit our tits, ABC deep throated us with another “To Be Continued”. But, next week is when Corinne presents Nick with her “platinum vagine”, so if anything, it will be entertaining. 

“What I learned tonight is cats have nine lives and bitches have two.”-Corinne

“If Jasmine was a vegetable, she’d be a turnip. Because she’s turned all the way up.” -Raven

“Maybe it just wasn’t perfect.” -Danielle L.

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Now, I have said before that I’m in the #ilikenick camp. I don’t really know the villainous side of him, even though I question his seriousness when he continues to allow Corinne to dangle her pussy like it’s gonna be his last meal, but then he goes and starts to really battle with himself over finding love and I start to think his determination is back. But, I should make myself clear. I’m not mad at his sexual attraction to Corinne, I think that’s normal and I think ABC is pretty brilliant in her casting, she is all we really talk about after all. My issue isn’t with her sexual side, my issue is with her child like side. If, and this is a big if, but if he was really wanting to make her a Viall, then he should prepare himself for having to possibly finish raising her. But who knows, maybe he enjoys playing the role of “Daddy”.

Ahhh. . .poor Danielle. I actually thought she would go further, but when she is in the back of that SUV, on her way out, and says “Maybe is just wasn’t perfect.”, I realized then why he didn’t keep her around. The problem isn’t that it wasn’t perfect, the problem was, it was too perfect. She tried way too hard to fit the image that she believed he wanted in a wife, instead of just allowing the relationship to flow along more organically, flaws and all. No worries girl, we’ll see you in Paradise and at this rate, they’ll be able to have a show just with Nick’s cast-offs.

I realize I pick on Corinne a lot, but on the serious. . .we gotta keep an eye on the drinking. That BXTCH was sloppy drunk on the group date, not just buzzed. . .she was so far gone that if Nick had slapped her in the face with his dick, she wouldn’t have known what to do with it. That’s no fun. . .drunk sex is all about the fun and pushing limits you won’t go near when you are sober, sloppy drunk means someone is gonna get stuck cleaning vomit out of your hair, that will never make a dick hard, regardless of how hot you are.

Now, it’s time to have a little one-on-one time with Nick. You gotta get it together. You’re letting the experience outweigh the purpose. This constant loathing of “maybe I can’t be loved” or “maybe I can’t reciprocate the love that is given to me”, makes a BXTCH want to kick your fucking ass. It’s time to man the fuck up. Love just happens. Is it work? Yes. But even that only comes once you know that she’s worth it. Stop beating yourself up when you send someone home, if you are truly following your gut, then you are doing the right thing. Hell, maybe Corinne and you are meant to be, what do I know, as long as you follow your heart, in the end, that is what matters. Though, I should tell you that I think your little sister will chew her up and spit her out, so you may wanna think on that. But, my point is. . .stop overthinking things. At this juncture, you know who you’re more drawn to, just follow the light and see where it takes you and so what if it doesn’t work out in the end, that doesn’t mean that love isn’t for you, it just means that there’s another plan in the works. You should’ve at least let Taylor put her degree to use before you sent her back to Seattle. Maybe she would’ve gotten to the bottom of your insecurities and gave you the coping skills needed to move forward in your quest for love.

ABC, stay away from the tropical locations, they are not faring well for your franchise.

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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