BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Well, it’s that time BXTCHES. . .after tonight, we’ll be three episodes in and I have yet to be impressed. Arie hasn’t wooed me (not that I’m the one who needs to be swept away, but still), he hasn’t forced me to do a double take, my toes haven’t curled, there has been any flutter whatsoever in my belly (or in other places), you know what that’s called? Disappointment. I can’t even rally up any jealousy for these women, I actually feel sorry for them. You can hate on Nick all you want, but that fucker was so much fun to look at. It’s time to step up your game ABC.
Last Week On: Was that episode a train wreck or what? We had a group date that brought back some horrible bumper car memories for Annaliese, Krystal got to meet the fam, so she’s now started to plan the I Do’s, and Becca was gifted an evening gown wardrobe by Rachel Zoe along with a $1300 pair of shoes, but in the end kept a very calm and lovable vibe about her. A catfight almost broke out between Bibiana and Krystal, but when it was all said and done, only words flew, so again I was left disappointed. In the end, three ladies packed it up and one was more upset over having to leave her friends than she was about being out of the running to be the one who gets to wake up to that hot mess of hair every day.
Tonight On: We get (2) group dates and (1) one-on-one date.
It’s time for another “Gathering of the Minds” moment, but first Bibiana and Krystal need to re-cap what went down during the last Rose Ceremony. Well, they spoke to the cameras, not to the entire bunch of ladies, but interestingly enough, as much as they don’t like one another, they’re sure enjoy sitting next to each other. And maybe my petty game is just that strong, but if I don’t like you, we are certainly not sharing the same space. Back to our programming. Chris Harrison makes his appearance and reminds the girls that with 18 left, not everyone is going to get date time, so it’s important to make the time that they have with Arie count. Translated: “Continue doing you boo, keep interrupting and stirring up drama, I would like to be back next season.” He says what needs to be said, drops off the date card and bids a farewell.
Group Date #1: Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, and Krystal. “It’s all about the ring.” -Arie | Decked out in their finest and for some, their tiniest workout gear, the girls leave the house with enthusiasm I’m not sure I could ever muster . It doesn’t take long to figure out that wrestling is the game and GLOB is the name. ABC, we need to have a quick discussion and I’m afraid that there are going to be a lot of these “discussions” this season. First, with my hand to the Good Lord, it looks like you guys borrowed the decor from the middle school down the road once their winter formal was over. . .in 1987. Surely, there’s more money to spare than this. Second, how any of these women can be or will be sexually attracted to Arie after his announcement into the ring is beyond what I can comprehend. My nipples would’ve shriveled up and my vagina would’ve dried up faster than the Sahara if a guy I was lusting after responded to Arie “The Kissing Bandit” Luyendyk Jr. AND came out with a cat burglar mask on. There was nothing even remotely appealing about it, does someone over there have it out for him? Also, GLOB? The Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor? It sounds like the same eighth graders that helped with the decorations, also came up with the name. It helps none and gives a little bit of false hope somewhere, when the ladies involved with this date, cheer and scream like this little charade gets them hot. Whatever ABC, just do better next time. Jacqueline is concerned that A) she is not athletic, so her body will most certainly be hitting the mat and B) that some of the ladies aren’t really getting along, so putting them in a ring to face off is not a good idea. Aww, sweet, sweet Jacqueline, that’s the only reason this is a good idea.
To help out with this disastrous date, ABC has enlisted two GLOW women. . .from the 80’s. I suppose it’s time to get down to the date itself. When the ladies try to teach a roll, Arie is up first and if there was any lust left in these ladies, it’s for sure gone now. They teach a 3/4 roll, and this motherfucker did a somersault as if it were his first day in gymnastics class. . .for toddlers. It doesn’t help that during his camera confessional he admits to not knowing anything about wrestling, “I’m a race car driver”, sure you are, my question however is why do the date? Surely race car driving isn’t his only passion. Here’s a tip from me to you (free of charge): You wanna really get to know somebody? Do something that brings you great joy and see how they react, it’ll tell you a lot. Jeezus, do I have to do all the work? These GLOW women are either looking for a comeback in life or they take yesteryear very seriously. They first get on Lauren for not selling the fake wrestling. Not only do they call Bibiana pathetic, but criticize her mom and the name she bestowed upon her. They tease Tia and put her down. They’re really just some bitches. I would now ask Arie if his goal is to make his dates feel like shit when he takes them out? A friendship did form between Bibiana and Tia, so something good did come from it. However, I do wish Annaliese was on this date, I would love to see the trauma it would stir up in her.
Now it’s time for the festivities. The women have outfitted themselves into their alter ego and wait patiently for the opportunity to take down a BXTCH. But first, Arie’s up. I would think that it would be in the best interest of the show, to have Arie look as badass as possible, but any hope for that gets fucked when he dons a cape and a mask and turns straight into the kissing bandit. . .it’s gets fucked further when Kenny (from Rachel’s season) comes out as his opponent. In case you missed that season of the Bachelorette, Kenny is a professional wrestler. It could be in the sense that Arie is a professional race car driver, I’m not too sure of his resume, but whatever it is, he still has a leg up. Even though Kenny “kicked his ass”, in the fakest way possible, Arie still got to hold onto a little of his pride by winning in the end. Now it’s time for the GLOB. Bekah the Sex Kitten vs. Maquel the Lunch Lady (Maquel won) | Krystal the Cougar vs. Jacqueline the Beauty Queen (I think) (Krystal wins) | Marikh the Gold Digger vs. Lauren the Stripper-not really, but it turned into quite the porn act and I have no idea who wins | Tia the Southern Belle vs. Bibiana the Bridezilla (Tia is the winner). And that’s it, there is no date winner, no ultimate match that pairs Arie up against one of the ladies, could you imagine how pissed off Krystal and Bekah would’ve been if Tia got to take Arie on in the ring. Man, this date sucks, I hope the nighttime is much better.
Krystal bites first and everything about their one-on-one time made me squirm and not in a good way. We must address “the voice”. I cannot be the only one who wants to shove a knife deep into their ear whenever she speaks. And here’s the thing, it’s not even her real voice. Yes, she speaks a little bit hoarse, but her voice is not that sultry. I know this because I’ve seen her YouTube videos. Arie sure is doing some ground work for his dick when he tells her how sexy she is and how it’s hard to concentrate when she’s in the room, I mean it was like. . .stroke. . .stroke. . .stroke. Then they kiss and I don’t know who gave him the name “Kissing Bandit”, but it’s has been so uncomfortable to watch him kiss these women. I would say that maybe it’s the women, but he is the common denominator. I can say with gusto, that watching Ben or Nick kiss did not make me want to turn my head.
Remember last week when I told you BXTCHES that by taking Krystal to his hometown to meet his parents would unleash something inside her? My point was proven when she actually asks him the following: “What am I supposed to do, like, on these group dates? Do I just kick back? Or, do I need to be aggressive and. . .” Arie’s response: “You just be you, you’re doing good”, which is like having a firehose shoot gasoline on an already burning inferno. The blaze is about to burn out of control when she says “I want to make sure I don’t get lost” and he says “If you ever feel lost, you just come grab me” That’s like sending a grown woman into Target and telling her that money is no object and to have fun. Later, when it’s just her and the camera, she legit says that she asked him the following: “Do you want me to be aggressive or do you want me to allow you to get to know the other girls?” You would think that at 36 years old, he would know how to somewhat read women, but after that convo and me knowing that he just set crazy free, I now know he only thinks with his dick, which is something he should’ve already outgrown, and since that’s his way of pursuing women, I now know why it is he’s single. He’s a bag em’ and tag em’ asshole. On a side note: It makes me want to pull out my fingernails to have to defend Krystal, but here it goes. I’m not sure why everyone gets pissed when someone grabs him and kicks off the night. Isn’t that the point? I don’t like the woman, but someone has to go first. And with Bibiana the main one bellyaching, I shouldn’t have to remind the cheerleader, but, next time. . .be aggressive B-E aggressive. A little less bitching and a lot more doing. And Bibiana is the first one to tell you how badass she is, well let me see it, I ain’t tuning in for him. I don’t know how some of these ladies get by in life. Good gracious, pick up a book if you need the help. Bibiana does use her time with Arie to talk about the time that’s being spent with him or the lack thereof. She mentions Krystal, but doesn’t dwell on her too much. He’s probably going to prefer Krystal over Bibana, at least she is on some sexual wire with him, all Bibiana got was a hug. That’s called the friend zone girl.
I’m all about #teamtia, well I was, but now I’m torn. I don’t think he’s good enough for her, but then they have their time and she is just being reeled in. . .hook, line, and sinker. And the thing that pisses me off is the conversation itself. . .oh, and that weird kiss, but it seems once again that nothing of substance is being discussed. I get it, the chemistry is alive and you want to capitalize on that, but are we so far removed that no one knows how to date anymore? I probably know more about each of them than they know about the other.
The nanny is next and we already know her age is a question yet to be answered, that is until tonight. Look, she’s 22. She’ll be 23 in February. Here’s how I know. 
Is it a big deal? 14 years is a big difference and one I may not blink at in the real world if fate just fell into your lap. But, she has come on to a show to find her one and only and during their time together, he asks her how long was her longest relationship and she answers with 2 1/2 to 3 years. If she broke up earlier in 2017, then that makes her 19 when the relationship began, 18 if she was 21 when they broke up, it could’ve been a high school relationship, but that was not implied. She was with someone for three years and after he broke up with her, she realized she never loved him in the first place. That could be why she’s so carefree now. Look, I watch the show, I try to buy in as much as the entertainment allows, and in the end, we all want to see someone happy and the process work, but when you’re 22, you need to conquer the journey first and settling down with anyone, much less someone who is 36 years old, should be at the very bottom of your to do list. So, my personal opinion. . .she’s here for the adventure, not the long haul and that’s okay, she may allow him to check something off of his bucket list, who knows, when the obligatory make out session occurs, she does straddle him, so something gets checked. My favorite Bekah moment of the night happens when she tells the camera it’s been a long time since she’s felt this kind of chemistry. BXTCH, “long time?”, you are 22 years old, you haven’t lived long enough to incorporate the words “long time” into any aspect of your life, unless you’re talking about how long you’ve been potty trained.
Both Krystal and Bekah think that they are a shoe in to be pinned with the rose. Krystal truly believes that his mind is made up and he’s playing along for the sake of the show. Please put her on Paradise. I never watch a full season of that show, but if ever I were to, it would be with her on it. She gets put in her place quickly when Arie hands the rose over to Bekah. I told y’all, he thinks with his dick and who straddled him tonight? Bekah may now need to watch her back, because Krystal was really about to spring tears and when a crazy bitch turns on the waterworks, all bets are off.
At the mansion: Crazy is busy telling Marikh how jealous girls usually are of her and the experience that she chooses to share took place in the eighth grade. She is 29 years old and an incident in the eighth grade has forever shaped her perception of how women view her. I will continue to reiterate this for as long as she is on the show. . .that bitch is cray cray. And I’m talking crazy in the Snapped sense of the word. So, whoever Arie chooses (if it’s not her), y’all better prepare for her to show up and declare her undying love. What’s even more entertaining is she tells Marikh how insecure girls are around her, how jealous they get and how she thinks that it’s followed her into the house. Meaning some of the girls in the house are starting to become jealous of her. Give Marikh credit, her facial expression couldn’t have said “Bitch, please. Insecure?” any better if she would’ve actually said the words herself. I really hope Crazy doesn’t win, but not for the reasons she would think, I just want to see her reaction when she doesn’t get a rose. It could be Emmy worthy.
One-On-One Date: Lauren S., “You had me at merlot” -Arie | I have to admit, this date surprised me, in a good way. Only because Lauren S. has not really shown up in my re-caps yet and usually if that’s the case, then they’re not getting a whole lot of screen time. It’s once again time for Arie to whip it out, his private jet that is, don’t tell Krystal, I think that she may really believe that Arie owns the jet, which means that she does as well, since in her mind they are already married. Arie is whisking her away to Napa, which at first I thought, man that would suck if she didn’t drink wine, but who am I kidding, this is The Bachelor after all, wine is water. During the boarding of the plane and all that goes with it, Arie talks about how he’s excited about the date, because he’s excited to get to know Lauren more. He describes her as beautiful and mature and that she has a great job. I’m gonna go ahead and let you all know now that if someone asks you to tell them some great things about me and the word you use is ‘mature’, I’m kicking your ass. No questions, just a good ole’ school yard beat down. I got a couple left in me and I’m saving them for the right time. But when he goes on to say how she is what he is looking for in a potential wife, he should have said just that she looks the way he wants a potential wife to look, call it like you mean it. Once they arrive at the winery and the date really takes off, their conversation is flowing very well. The right questions are being asked, Lauren is finally finished with her giddiness and the adult in her has taken over. Arie actually has some jokes, overall so far this date is a relief to what we have watched up to this point. All in all, the day portion of the date has gone great.
I’m not sure what happened between the snack in the vineyard and the sun setting, but Lauren is so all over the place that Arie starts to eat the meal that they’re not supposed to eat. He asked her about her journey to the show, so she starts to tell him about her last relationship, but then dives into her family, then moves onto Mother’s Day and an eye infection. I don’t even like Arie and I’m kinda feeling for him right now. She does at least admit to the camera that she knows she was all over the place and she wouldn’t even give herself the rose. Blame the wine girl! In the end, the rose didn’t happen and Lauren got sent back to Dallas and since she talked nonstop, she didn’t even get to enjoy the steak. Lesson learned: Always eat first, at least then your mouth is too busy chewing to talk.
The reaction from the girls when Lauren’s suitcase is wheeled away is shock. I’m assuming her and Caroline were close, because she is in tears, but the picture of the night goes to Krystal. This is her face when they realize what is happening.
I think this says it all. Krystal does go on to diagnose the situation and use her time to tell the girls that Lauren did confide in her and told her that she has a really hard time opening up and being vulnerable to which Krystal then tells the group that since she has already been on a group date and she has already been on a one-on-one date, she really has gotten to know Arie and based on that the ladies really need to make the most of their time when they have it, because if they don’t, she will swoop in and take him away. Okay, I added that last part, but c’mon, y’all know it’s true.
Group Date #2: Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese. “Love is ruff.” -Arie | When the date card arrives and the clue pretty much gives away the fact that the date will involve dogs, fuck whatever it is that is happening in the world right now because the fact that Annaliese has a traumatic childhood experience that involves dogs may very well set this episode right. I don’t know the deets yet, but I hope I’m about to find out. The date is just going to involve the park with some dogs and some fun. And the fun is some sort of stage act with the dogs and costumes. What could possibly go wrong? Back to Annaliese. First, shout out to ABC for that flashback video, it was ah-mazing! Second, I don’t remember too much about the backstory, but Annaliese’s parents were out of the country, she was with the grandparents and almost lost an eye because of the dog. I hope I don’t have to spend too much time on the hot mess that was the dog show, but I am gonna talk about Chelsea for a bit. Just an observation really. So, the girls have to get the dogs to do some tricks, ones that they practiced in the park. They are performing in front of an audience while being decked out in costumes, which bewildered me, but back to Chelsea. . .during her set, a small girl comes onto the stage. Now, Chelsea has spent a lot of time talking about her kiddo, so wouldn’t this have been a great time to show off those mom skills and let the girl help her? Instead Chelsea says nothing and the girls mom has to come on stage to get her, whilst tears streamed down the poor child’s face. What a wasted opportunity Chelsea, I bet Krystal wouldn’t have let that chance pass her by. The best part about the dog show was Fred Willard as host and Annaliese getting demoted to pooper scooper. Actually, she probably did the best job overall.
Chelsea didn’t have to rush to make the first move, Arie did it for her and of course this just reinforces how serious he is about getting to know her (sense the sarcasm). All the conversations were flowing well, not too awkward. . .well, yet. Annaliese was fretting a bit over getting time with him and when she did finally take a seat, it was nervous at best. Her goal was to just kiss him, but that plan was quickly thwarted when Chelsea shows up for round two, just to tell Arie that she came in to steal a kiss and proceeds to do just that. #whatabitch I would suspect that if she was able to eavesdrop on his private time with Becca, then she wouldn’t be so confident in her moves, because if those two would have gotten anymore horizontal, that make out session would’ve went a totally different route. But I could be way off base because in the end, Chelsea does get the rose.
It seems that the theme of this cocktail party is. . .stress. Well, really more like “I just need to see if we have a connection and I’m freaking out because we haven’t kissed”. What I would like to know is if they (the girl) aren’t feeling it, are they gonna go ahead and send themselves home? Arie finally takes charge and instead of allowing a lady to pull him away, he’s making the grab himself, he’s being very assertive tonight, first up is Seinne. Bibiana has taken the time to set up a star gazing area, in the hopes of getting some private, uninterrupted time with Arie. Too bad that while he was having time with Lauren B., they stumbled upon it. They even took advantage of the makeshift bed. You know things aren’t looking good for Bibiana when she somewhat interrupts and he asks for five more minutes with Lauren. And the hits just keep on coming at Bibiana when Arie continues to use her set-up for each and every girl, as if he was the romantic mastermind behind the whole spread. I’m not sure on what kind of fuckery Bekah was trying to sell, but she has quickly turned into a relationship guru and is convincing Arie that the reason he is so attracted to her is because she is someone who doesn’t need him and how scary it must be to actually be with somebody who doesn’t need you to complete them. Which I feel is a bit opposite of how she acted on the group date, but she is feeding and he is feasting, and I mean that in all that it implies. NEWSFLASH: He’s attracted to you because you’re young and that’s the temperature he prefers and you make him forget that he is 36. He is attracted to you for the same reason that Nick was attracted to Corinne, you have the youngest pussy in the house, do the math. I’m not judging. Treat yo self. This isn’t a philosophical teaching moment and it would be hard to sell it as one when every time you’re with him, either your tongue is down his throat or you look like your about to join the rodeo or both. Get it girl, just call it like it is.
He and Tia share some hay bales and moonshine. She’s still my fave. I think that she’s herself and she’s not trying to constantly sell a product. If she doesn’t win his hand, I’m pushing for her to be the next Bachelorette. Not that my voice travels far, but you never know. It seems that everyone is obsessed with who he has kissed or who is still waiting to be kissed, it’s becoming a lot of pressure and they’re all sitting around talking about it, which is not only weird, but it’s starting to make me uncomfortable. Annaliese is doing her best to create a moment, she takes him to the balcony and the conversation revolves around the fact that she wants to kiss him and oh me oh my oh, does it get awkward when he tells her that they just aren’t there yet. #thatstung Kendall comes and steals him away, leaving Annaliese pondering about her life and where it went wrong, well I’m quite sure she is anyway. Kendall gets the kiss, so I’m starting to think that Annaliese will not be changing her last name anytime soon. Matters aren’t getting helped when Marikh and Chelsea are advising her to be more assertive. Someone should enlighten them about the whole #metoo movement that has formed based on unwanted or unsolicited sexual contact. I’m not #teamarie, but he has made it clear that the relationship he has with Annaliese isn’t to a point where he’s ready for any sort of physical intimacy and for anyone to suggest that she go against his wishes is playing dirty. In the meantime, Jenna (I believe) is getting ready to give him a lap dance and she probably would have had her dress not been in the way. But instead of listening to reason and Arie, Annaliese decides to hang on to the word “yet” and see what it is he meant by it. If it’s this painful for me to watch this shit, I can only imagine how they must feel watching themselves back. #cringe All of the girls who gave her encouragement should be ashamed. I may not know what it is that’s about to happen (I’m re-capping as I watch), but I know she’s about to be embarrassed. And what do you know, she asked and he answered. Now she’s going home.
The Rose Ceremony is about to begin and I still have no idea of what became of Bibiana and the whole star gazing set-up. I’m beginning to feel very incomplete right now. She does reveal that she never even got the chance to speak with him. I would throw down a very bit “fuck that”, and as aggressive as she is, she should’ve moved in on him. Now her chance could be gone and she’s gonna be left with nothing but a telescope and a day bed. Bekah and Chelsea have group date roses and are safe.
Bekah M., NO AGE GIVEN-Nanny
Chelsea, 29-Real Estate Executive Assistant
Caroline, 26-Realtor
Kendall, 26-Creative Director
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Ashley Luke, 25-Real Estate Agent
Lauren B., 25-Tech Sales
Brittany T., 30-Tech Recruiter
Becca K., 27-Publicist
Seinne, 27-Commercial Real Estate Manager
Krystal, 29-Fitness Coach
Tia, 26-Physical Therapist
Maquel, 23-Photographer
Jenna, 28-Social Media Manager
Jacquline, 26-Reasearch Coordinator
Marikh, 27-Restaurant Owner
Lauren S., 31-Social Media Manager
Annaliese, 32-Event Designer
Bibiana, 30-Executive Assistant
“I just got the shit beat out of me a few days ago on a group date, so I’m really hoping that doesn’t happen again. But I’m willing to do what I have to do.” -Tia
“I want to make a good impression on Arie, but I’m getting my ass beat today.” -Jacqueline
“Oh my God, I’m literally gonna fucking kill Krystal.”. . .”Get off your high horse and stop being so condescending to everybody because you met his dog.” -Caroline
“Feel like Jesus needs to take the wheel.” -Bibiana
“I had planned something extremely special, but the devil is working OT man.” -Bibiana
“Get home safe.” -Arie
Let’s start at the end. It sucks that Bibiana went home. Actually what sucked about it is she was the only one that wasn’t given a rose during the ceremony. Up to this point, it was multiple people let down at one time, so I’m sure when that happens, it doesn’t hurt as badly. It also sucks that she put together a romantic spot and she never got to use it, but that alone screams ABC set this up. Because if I truly went out of my way to set up an area to star gaze, because that’s my thing, then he’s gonna know all about my effort and who did he really think set it up? When he arrived with Lauren, she didn’t claim it, he didn’t claim it, surely after putting those deduction skills to work, he could’ve assumed that it was another girl who was trying to impress him, so that makes him an ever bigger asshole. After her final confessional, I’m sure Valium was involved, because she is “broken” (her word). She talks about how this was her one chance to find real love. Clue in Bibiana, this is a T.V. show and while we hope that it works out, it usually doesn’t, which means if you were truly putting all of your love eggs into this basket, then that’s on you girl.
I’m curious how much time there is between the announcement of who the next Bachelor is and the time that filming starts on the show. Did any of these girls do research? It didn’t take a ton of time for me to dig up the little bit I did on Arie and that was enough for me to probably forever be turned off. I do believe that some of the girls are all in regardless of what his background would’ve revealed. I’m not sure what could be worse than finding out that he’s a serial cheater who frequents sorority houses, but I guarantee you if there is something worse, Krystal and Chelsea would fight to the death for a chance to hear “I now pronounce you. . .”. And if he truly is this gem of a partner that the girls are constantly bragging about, then ABC is doing a poor job of putting that in the spotlight. Trust me, we need to see this because right now, nothing about him is appealing. There is zero alpha lying within him, which every girl needs a little bit of. So, if you want us to fall hard, it’s about time for us to see a different side. Which brings me to my next point.
Okay ABC, this experiment needs to go down as an epic fail. If Arie was the best you could come up with, then it’s time to turn to the free agency market. Surely there are men out there, who have never tried to woo any of your Bachelorettes, one who could set BachelorNation on fire. Turn to social media, hang out at a gym, hell go to Target, you are bound to find someone, but this season is becoming painful to watch.
The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
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