Last Week On: We got to witness Arie make out with a bowling ball, which I’m sure shriveled up all of our lady bits. . .Krystal is still the solo passenger on the Crazy Train to nowhere. . .Tia confessed her love and Chelsea gave him a lap dance, so all around the week went good for Arie. It wasn’t all fun and games though, we still got to witness the dreams of Ashley, Maquel, and Marikh die a slow and painful death.
Tonight On: (2) one-on-one dates, (1) group date, and (1) two-on-one date.
Well, our spit swapping love fest has made it to Paris, so I’m sure a lot more “I love you’s” are gonna be handed out. Me personally, I would be pissed if I had my one-on-0ne in LA or Ft. Lauderdale, when I could’ve gotten my time in Paris. Chris shows up to tell the ladies that there will be four dates this week, one of which will be a two-on-one. Krystal for some reason knows that she will be part of that dreaded date, because I’ve had a target on my back since my one-on-one. Now, I’m not sure if she understands how targets work, but usually they’re put there by someone who doesn’t care too much for you. If it’s Arie who’s picking these dates, then why would she automatically assume that her and her target are gonna be put in the line of fire? Regardless, the date card has been dropped and up first is. . .Lauren.
One-on-One Date #1: Lauren Tomber amoureux à Paris-Arie | Fall in love in Paris is what Arie is throwing to Lauren and soon after the card is read, Arie shows up to whisk her away for a boat ride down the Seine. But first, let’s learn a little about Lauren. She is 26 years old and graduated from Old Dominion University back in 2015 with a degree in psychology. She resides in Dallas and works as a sales executive for Vonage Business. There’s nothing too juicy to report, except she was engaged to NHL player Chris Crane and they were set to tie the knot back in July 2017, but called off their engagement in December 2016. The one thing that really gives me pause about Lauren is her eagerness to walk down the aisle. I have no idea what brought about the end of her previous engagement, I’m not gonna try to dig that deep, BUT, if my math skills are somewhat accurate, she had just turned 25 when the engagement was called off. So, either she is really hard up for a husband or The Last Lauren Standing is really just hoping to get another career kicked off by being on the show. I think we need to face some facts, if it’s love she is looking for, I could go to many parts of Dallas right now and round up a football team of men that are not only better looking than Arie, but are just better period. So one has to wonder what is it that she is after.
The boat ride seemed to kick things off well, but the walk through the streets is screaming AWKWARD. JFC, you’re not walking through Six Flags, you’re in Paris for crying out loud. If you can’t find anything personal to talk about, talk about Paris, which Arie is trying to do, Lauren just isn’t offering any feedback. Maybe she should get her dating down pat before she tries to land herself a husband. I’m not sure on the direction their conversation is trying to go, because they do sit down and make an attempt at small talk. Lauren asks him about last week, he starts trying to clue in on whether or not she likes him because he’s really interested in her (which he tells her), but as much as he’s dropping the bait, she is not biting. Hopefully nighttime in Paris will have her eating up the romance and allow Arie to see another side to her, one he can’t resist, because if it’s anything like the day date, she could be going home.
You already know uncomfortable is probably going to be the name of the game when they walk into a Parisian restaurant and use the word ‘cute’ to describe it. Things kind of get going when she confides in him that she has trust issues and that she will usually friend zone a guy for around six months before she starts to trust him. This leads him to tell her about his most serious relationship which ended in a miscarriage and her leaving him. This of course leads Lauren to tell him about her engagement. But before that she tells him that her trust issues come from her parents and their marriage. Now, they’ve been married for 30 years, but she says it’s not a perfect marriage, but whose is? Anyway, from what I got out of her tiny confession was maybe her parents put her in the middle of their disagreements and that’s why her trust issues built up, I’m not entirely sure I’m translating that correctly, she’s closed tighter than a. . .well, I’m sure you get the point. She did say that she shut herself off even more when her ex-fiance didn’t treat her right. So, now the burden of all of this baggage sits on Arie’s lap. At the beginning of this date, while he was having his chance with the camera, he talked about how beautiful Lauren is, but he needed to see if there was anything beyond the beauty and hopefully this date will lead him there. There was nothing electric about their walk through Paris. . .no real conversation. . .no making out. . .nothing for hope to grab onto, which I’m sure is a first for that city. The dinner conversation did evolve a bit, but I’m not sure it moved enough in the right direction for him to give her false hope. He gives her the rose, which I’m good with, but he does this by throwing her on top of a pedestal, one that you would probably find in an art museum there. I think his objective would’ve been better served if he could have told her that he’s glad she opened up a bit, but he’s giving her the rose because he can’t wait to find out more about her. I think he is blinded by beauty and that is more important to him than making sure the emotional and intellectual connection is there and if he eventually sends her home, she is going to be very confused and there will be no hope for the next man in her life because whatever trust issues she is currently working through, will grow and cloud any sort future she could have in love.
Meanwhile back on the boat: The ladies are all sitting around waiting for the next date card and trying to figure out which order the dates will fall. A group date card arrives and the only names missing are Kendall, Jacqueline, and Krystal. Which means two of them will be going head to head
Group Date: Tia, Jenna, Becca, Bekah, Chelsea, Seinne Let’s get all dressed up.-Arie | I’m guessing they didn’t learn enough from the last date where costumes were involved and comfort zones were demolished, because they’re taking this to the Moulin Rouge. After Jenna’s little dance in the bowling alley, it’s not a surprise to see that she is super excited. Actually, overall excitement is what most are feeling. We do learn that Seinne can dance and Tia cannot. They get fitted for their costumes and we find Arie in another fucking cape, does he really think the Kissing Bandit is a real thing? Now the ladies are doing it up in their costumes, which to say that they are extravagant would be an understatement. At this point I can say that I have no idea what is happening. They find out that whoever gets the rose, will get to dance on stage with Arie. In the meantime, the ladies are doing some sort of a Moulin Rouge fashion show? I question it, because I have no idea, asses are getting blacked out, so thongs are definitely involved and Arie is being treated to some eye candy. The cocktail party is taking place in a VIP room within the Moulin Rouge and he lets them know straight from go that his decision on the rose is going to be based on their connection and not how well they “performed”, which should allow Tia to breathe a sigh of relief and she happens to be the one up first. The chemistry from their one-on-one is just pouring over to their conversation tonight. Bekah is next and there is something very refreshing about her while at the same time headachingly annoying. I can’t really put my finger on it. Maybe I just can’t tell if she is really genuine. I don’t know, I do get the feeling that Arie is starting to put some serious thought in whether or not things could progress beyond the physical with her. Once each girl gets her chance at selling her story and why she should be the one, Arie decides to gift the rose to Bekah, which not only shocked the girls, but this BXTCH was left a bit reeling as well. Now we have to watch the dance and to describe it as painful would be a compliment, but when I continue to say that someone on the production crew hates Arie, I am not saying it as a joke. They have this motherfucker come out in his suit donned with a cape and top hat, while lip synching to a song in French. This was a performance I could see on the stage in Branson, but this is the goddamn Moulin Rouge. . .once again leave it to the Americans to butcher the French.
Two-On-One: Kendall and Krystal. Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes. We’ll always have Paris -Arie | Krystal is the lucky one who reads the date card and she is almost tickled pink when she discovers that it’s gonna be her going head to head against Kendall. Going into the date, Krystal is full of confidence and Kendall is full of doubt. Both talk about how prepared Krystal is, which confuses me, because for the love of every 80’s rom-com ever made, what life skills have been acquired to help you prepare for this? Pressure, I understand. . .preparation, I do not. The date kicks off at a chateau and what better place to tell someone you’re not made to be my wife then in the French countryside? They enter a maze and the ladies have to find Arie, I know, it was as corny as it sounds. I’m not sure why anyone would put someone as crazy as Krystal in a maze, but she does find him first and no one was bloodied, so good times. Krystal is up first.
It seems that the sole incident that has Krystal on this date is what happened at the bowling alley. Back on episode three, Arie told Krystal that she could come and grab him if she ever felt lost and he seems a bit shook that she didn’t take advantage of that. For once, I agree. None of the ladies (especially Krystal) hesitate to interrupt when he’s feeling someone else up, but she couldn’t pull him aside in the bowling alley and discuss her hurt feelings? If he’s wanting a relationship built on good communication skills, then Krystal may not be the one. She is selling the incident as a bump in the road that they needed to encounter as a test to their forever. She apologizes and starts to talk about color and texture and depth and it is then I realize what she meant when she said she prepared, because those analogies (is that the right word?) aren’t ones that just come to ones mind in the middle of a discussion, there is a journal somewhere with this whole convo in it and Mrs. Arie Luyendyk, Jr. doodled on the front. He says he felt her sincerity, I think he was getting it confused with his dick, because whatever she prepared worked, he even stuck his tongue in her mouth for good measure. It may all be for nothing, because as soon as the kissing is over, Krystal throws Kendall under the same bus she threw Arie under. She takes it upon herself to tell Arie that Kendall has never been in love and is not really in a position ready for marriage. Good Lord, someone needs to make a voodoo doll of Krystal and use it in the most creative ways imaginable.
The buses are causing a lot of carnage, Arie wasted no time filling Kendall in on what Krystal had to say about her. Which, let’s stop for just a minute. Couldn’t he have just asked her where her head was at concerning marriage? Did he have to say “Krystal said”? All that conveys is that he can’t be trusted when someone comes to him in confidence. But trust a BXTCH, Kendall handled herself like a woman. She then took that confidence to her confrontation with Krystal and then things got weird. It turned into a daytime talk show moment and Kendall was able to leave Krystal saying I don’t have words so there was some winning. Arie decides that the decision is just too difficult to make at that moment and tells the ladies that they will meet up again at dinner. This is becoming way more dramatic then it needs to be.
Since Kendall left Krystal without words earlier, she seemed to find them on her way to dinner. Unfortunately, Krystal doesn’t even compare to Kendall where intellect is concerned. Krystal says words just to hear herself talk and Kendall actually offers substance in her thoughts and thinks before she speaks. And both prove just that when Arie sits down at the table. For real. . .voodoo doll. . . Marie Laveau. . .someone make it happen. He only pulls Kendall aside and we weren’t worthy enough to pry into that conversation, but she does come back sans lipstick, so it’s safe to assume that things went well. Before we know what’s happening, Arie is at the table giving the speech meant to soften the blow. In the end, Kendall wins out and it’s time to say goodbye to Crazy. And if it wasn’t bad enough that she was left without her husband, he didn’t even walk her out. Damn, she may need a glass of water to get that crow down. While Krystal cried, Kendall made out with Arie atop of the Eiffel Tower. #relationshipgoals (not with Arie) And let me add, the Women Tell All is gonna be epic!
One-On-One #2: Jacquline | I feel like this is a one-on-one for me and Jacqueline as well, because I’m not 100% sold on her just yet. Though, I should be, she does stand out from the majority of the girls left and that alone should entice me, but I’m here to give her a shot, so let’s get this date going. The car breaks down immediately, so let’s hope it’s not a sign. I thought he was really gonna put his mancard out there and make her toes curl by fixing the car, but a taxi it is and the first stop is some shopping and a new dress for Jacqueline. We are once again at the part of the date where concerns and life stories get told. Her worry is she is just an experiment for Arie. She is basing that on not yet receiving a group date rose or a one-on-one date. I understand the group date rose, but I would rather be in Paris when I get picked for a one-on-one than in Lake Tahoe, you need to take your blessings girl. He tells her that his concern was her intelligence. What the fuck? Well, he thought she was just too smart for him. That’s a true statement and one that she should probably consider. Despite that, their discussion is very promising, in a laying it all out there way. She wants to get her PhD and that’s six years of school and he doesn’t want to hold anyone back from their dreams. There are a lot of what-if’s in the air, but in the end he must see something in her and she sees something in him, because he gives it and she accepts.
Once again, he’s drying out the livers and going without a cocktail party. There are five girls still seeking those beautiful red petals and only three to give out. Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, and Jacqueline are all safe, which means that when this show picks up next week, only seven will remain.
“I’m not interested in having a three-way, like, I’m there to talk with Arie and that’s it, so. . .game on.” -Krystal
“Is a french kiss in France just a kiss?” -Arie
“How boring are the other relationships compared to mine and Arie’s? I mean, really. Baby, I’m wife material. Yes. Fun wife material. -Krystal
“I think maybe some girls in the house will be shocked if Krystal comes home from the two-on-one, but I don’t know how shocked I would actually be. No one thought Trump was going to win the election either and looky here we are.” -Bekah
“I think when I got the date card it felt like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like, if you don’t learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the day, it’ll be shot.” -Jacqueline
I was actually shocked at who he chose to go home. Jenna not so much. In fact, I’m starting to think that some of these girls are really just upset over the lost adventure rather than losing the chance at love. Jenna only had group dates. There’s not even a one night stand involved, I don’t get the pain and tears. If I meet up with a group of people every weekend for a couple of months and even though I may feel a connection to one of them, my life isn’t over if he were to tell me there is no future. I would maybe be upset, but really it would be his loss. I was more surprised with Chelsea going home. I actually thought it would be Seinne. His connection with Chelsea was on fire last week and even though his connection with Seinne is good, I just thought it was better with Chelsea.
I’m offering up another great idea to those over at The Bachelor and this may be one you want to look into. Remember how giddy you would get in the beginning stages of a relationship, when he would call and hours would be spent getting to know the other over the phone? I think after a one-on-one, the Bachelor/ette should call. Maybe not the same night, but the next day. You could even gift a phone call to whoever gets the group date rose. It would not only bring about a bit of normalcy to the craziness that is this show, but it would give an opportunity to really get to know one another in a way that just can’t be done with a camera in the face.
Let’s discuss the Moulin Rouge date for a bit. Shame on whoever came up with that idea, do you know women at all? Even though Arie may have said that the performances would have no bearing whatsoever on his rose decision, but c’mon, do we really believe that after seeing 22 year old Bekah in her teeny tiny costume he didn’t use another body part to make that decision? My problem with the date is not that he chose Bekah, my problem is that the ladies were made to put themselves in costumes that he hadn’t really earned the right to see them in yet. Not to mention, it was clearly uncomfortable for some of them and nothing is worse than having to display every insecurity you have about yourself for not only your love interest to see, but for his love interests to see as well. Then him picking Bekah just brought all those insecurities right up to the surface.
I need to know how ABC continues to find so many contestants with trust issues and why someone who has trust issues makes the decision to go on a show where having trust is a main component to success. Have I mentioned the word trust enough? I like Lauren, however, I think she’s about as interesting as watching paint dry, which has nothing to do with what I’m trying to say, just thought it needed to be said. When the conversation kicks off at “dinner” and she starts with how her parents have been married for 30 years, I didn’t really understand where her point was trying to go. When she continued with how their marriage isn’t perfect and some of her issues stem from her being put in the middle of things, I was even more confused. First, for her to even think that there is a perfect marriage somewhere is just plain ole’ naive. Even Disney doesn’t paint that picture. Now, if her parents are in a loveless marriage, then that’s a different canvas she could’ve painted her picture on, but my impression was that maybe they argue a lot, but the truth is, I’m still confused. I get the ex-fiance issue, but I just don’t see it as a hang up. Her being able to cancel the engagement and leave the asshole, should’ve given her strength to forge ahead, not use it as a weakness to hold her back. And are we still doing the “he hurt me, which means the next guy will as well” game? Jeez, that’s such a cliché. Which is why I call bullshit. I’ve said it before, but anyone who has trust issues to the point of having to friend zone a guy for six months before letting them in, isn’t someone who would willingly turn to T.V. for their ever after. Just take Ben and Lauren, she knew what she was getting into and even though she was the one picked in the end, she just couldn’t get over the fact that he told Jojo he loved her as well. That was the reason for the breakup, not that he went to a fantasy suite with two other women, where he most likely got to know them a helluva lot better. Nope, she just couldn’t get over the fact that he fell in love with her and Jojo. So do we really believe that anyone with enough emotional baggage to fill the trunk of a small car will be able to handle being picked in the end while having to watch him declare his feelings for other women?
As much as I was ecstatic to see Krystal left alone in Paris, the two-on-one has got to go. I feel like it goes against everything the sisterhood is supposed to be about. Well, this show probably does that as well, it’s just that this particular date is meant for the two chosen to smear one another by any means necessary just to be given a rose. I don’t know the stats, but I’m curious to know if any person that has gone on a two-on-one has been the last one standing in the end. Think about it, you’re chosen to go on a date where someone is meant to go home, someone is going to be deemed not good enough, which means when the Bachelor/ette picks the two people, they are aware of that. So how close could their relationship be with either? The truth, I think Kendall handled herself like a champ on this date, far better than I would’ve done, but why does it ever have to get to the point where backs are falling onto knives? We’re already judging these contestants a tiny bit for using this avenue to find a spouse, why humiliate them more by having them left stranded alone on a island or in the middle of a swamp or in some Parisian restaurant. If a two-on-one is necessary, then why not do the exact same date, just separate. One gets the sun and one gets the moon and in the end only one will get the rose.