Big Brother 19 | Week One Re-Cap

Big Brother 19 | Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Big Brother 19 | Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comBXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, full disclosure with you BXTCHES, I am a Big Brother virgin. I have never really watched the show, but soooo many people I know (and love) swear by this shit, so I have decided to have my cherry popped. Because of my virginal status, I wasn’t sure if I was gonna go all in with CBS, but after I have watched the first 3 episodes, not to mention a few of the After Dark ones as well (that is where it is at y’all), I think I could become a full fledged, BB whore. I should go ahead and warn you, like any good virgin, I’m not yet all the way there on all of the lingo, so you will have to forgive me in advance if I fuck it up and chances are, I most definitely will. In the effort to save some time, I’m gonna fly right through the first week, and since the show premiered on a Wednesday, I will use that day as the day that will kick off the week. To avoid any confusion, it will go: Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday. While I’ll certainly be tuning into After Dark, I will not include it unless it’s worthy enough.

Straight from jump street, I can tell you BXTCHES that I was a bit blown back from the premiere. First, these are some very happy, very noisy motherfuckers. I’m talking 13 year olds meeting One Direction or the Biebs for the first time, noisy. It definitely didn’t greet me with the greatest first impression. Call me a cynic, but I was also a bit eye squinty with the key reveal. I mean, they seemed surprised, but if I applied for the show and it’s getting close to filming and a camera crew shows up, I think I would be able to deduce that 2 + 2 = 4 and that I’m gonna be on the new cast of Big Brother. But, that’s just me being a bonafide bitch. Let’s meet the cast.

Alex

Cameron

Christmas

Cody

Dominique

Elena

Jason

Jessica

Jillian

Josh

Kevin

Mark

Matt

Megan

Paul

Ramses

Raven

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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I suppose each of these guys offer something unique, but it would eat up this entire post for me to go into it, so as a treat I will just feature things here and there regarding the cast as we move forward. One thing that we did learn during the premiere is that some of these housemates are super fans, I’m not sure the tactic there, but it did make for some very interesting introductions. The super fanniest of them all? That title needs to be awarded to Ramses.

I guess this season is going to be all about the temptation and no great temptation comes without a consequence or so Julie Chen tells us. First up is the temptation of cold hard cash. . .$25,000 worth of it. All of the houseguests were placed into some weird pods (Mork and Mindy style) that were hanging in the air. The first one to push their button, is 25k richer. There is no requirement to push a button, they could’ve just hung there, but I suppose there is no fun in that. Kevin was the first to cave. I should also point out and this is pretty important, no one knows who it is that takes the temptation, all they know is that someone got a bit greedy. The entire cast must pay for the first temptation and that consequence will involve a former cast member. Kevin did get hit with a personal consequence and that was. . .he would have to throw the first HOH competition for himself. So far, I don’t think he’s regretting his bigger bank account all that much.

So, sixteen enter the house (not all at once) and soon after intros are made, they get temptation waved right in front of them, and as mentioned above, Kevin caved. Once they have all gotten just a bit comfortable, the door opens and in walks some guy named Paul. Since this was the night my cherry was popped, I had not the first clue of who Paul was, but from the noise coming from this house, it seemed that he was a god among men. Apparently, he was just the runner-up from season 18 and he is the consequence that good ole’ Kevin triggered. Paul moving into the house, meant someone had to move out. Who would that be you ask? Well, that would be left up to some apple picking and ass kissing. CBS wasn’t fucking around when they brought Paul back, he has already been picked to draw some lines by handing out a certain number of friendship bracelets. If you were gifted you were safe, if you found your wrist empty, you have to compete. It all came down to who could stand on a trapeze contraption the longest and I guess one would last longer in their swimsuit, maybe that’s a part of the show I don’t yet get, but if someone told me to put on a swimsuit and stand on a trapeze, I think I would go ahead and bow out. But, back to the show, if you outlasted all, you were safe, if your legs or arms weren’t able to fight the good fight, then you were left to pick an apple from some sinfully painted human serpents, the devil was working his magic because these snakes were pretty smokin’. In the end, Cody outlasted them all, with Alex coming in second place. The ones who picked the poisonous apples were: Christmas, Jillian, and Cameron, they aren’t so excited about Paul’s arrival now.

The three up for eviction were given the option to compete for elimination or leave the elimination up to the other houseguests, Cameron was out voted and the task went to the roommates. I don’t remember the exact numbers, but Cameron was the one with the most votes and the one who didn’t even last a day before packing his bags. While I may not have a lot of experience (read: none) with this show, I like to think that I’m not a total dumbass, having said that, I’m a bit confused on why they kept Christmas around. Sure, she’s nice to look at and has a pretty cool name (Christmas Joy), but the BXTCH is a Crossfit competitor and trainer. Why on Earth would anyone want to keep that strength around baffles this newbie, I guess we’ll have to see if it turns out to be a smooth move.

Of course at this point alliances are forming and the initial one is the cool kids vs. the not so cool kids. Cody is teaming up with Matt and Mark. Those are his top tier, his second tier would be the ladies, but only the good looking ones and according to the Texan (him, not me) those falling into that category would be Jessica, Elena, and Raven. Cody may be nice to look at, but right now he’s coming off as a grade A asshole. Not to worry, the other alliance is building, but I’m not too sure where it is going, because episode #1 (Wednesday) has Cody very much against Alex, but later in the week, he’s thinking that maybe she would make a good partner. But more on that later.

The very first Head of Household competition offered up some temptation right out of the gate. The house was split into four teams (of four) with the top two teams moving to the next round and from there, each team would select one member who would compete to become the first HOH of the season. The whole point of the competition was to collect apples, the first two teams to collect eight apples, would move on. It was a bit more physical than that, I mean there were ropes that had to be crossed and cardio that was certainly required, I’m thinking that if Eve had to go through that jungle to eat the apple, she probably would’ve just said “Fuck it, I ain’t that hungry.” Anywho, the first two teams to collect their eight apples, move on. BUT, the first houseguest that brings back the golden apple, would be safe from eviction. That was the temptation, the consequence was that whole team would be eliminated from competing for the HOH. Josh took the bait and from what I can tell, is beginning to lose his mind a bit because he starts saying shit like “you know I had to do that or I was going home”, I have no clue if that would’ve been the case, I just know that Kevin was able to breath a sigh of relief because he was on Josh’s team, so he no longer was required to throw the competition. In the end, it was Cody vs. Paul and apples vs. gravity, with Cody coming out on top.

At this point, Josh is in the beginning stages of Bat Shit Crazy. He stands by his decision to throw his entire team out of competing for the HOH by yelling at anyone who asked. The main target for his wrath though was Megan. I’m not sure if something has gone down that wasn’t shown, but the Cuban ain’t feeling the dog walker and his crazy starts to show when he lashes out at her.

When it came down to putting up two of his roommates up for eviction, it was Jillian and Megan who fell victim. Jillian, I’m guessing because she is an easy target and Megan because Cody just doesn’t like her and he told her as much. See, asshole. 

This “Have” and “Have-Nots” business is some bullshit. Talk about dividing the plastics from everyone else. I have no desire to even know what the slop consists of, but Cody must make the distinction between the two. That motherfucker has more power than even Trump at this point. He does at least let some step up and volunteer to sleep on spikes and eat some shit that even Wilbur and Templeton would’ve turned away from. Lucky for him, enough of the roomies step up, taking the pressure away. The volunteers are: Josh, Ramses, Megan, Jillian, and Paul. They also have to take cold showers for the week, which should come in handy for the guys. This crap also comes with a temptation. Long story short, if you take the temptation, you’re given a key, pick the right box, you’re no longer a Have Not, pick the wrong one and your week gets extended into two. Paul gets the key and Paul picks right. 

The Den of Temptation is introduced and sounds about as gaudy as it looks. America will vote each week on who gets the opportunity to taste and if they accept, then there will be a reward along with a consequence and they will not be able to accept the temptation again. Paul gets America’s first vote and is offered the Pendant of Protection which if accepted, will keep him safe from eviction for the next three weeks and the only way that he even has to share the news that he accepted the temptation is if he gets put up for eviction at any point during those three weeks. That’s an offer even I would take. The consequence? He picks a number and which ever housemate falls under it, will have to put themselves up for eviction at some point in the next three weeks. There was no fancy formula to pick the receiver of the consequence, it was literally how they lined up to go into the den and it’s Ramses the Super Fan who meets the doom of this consequence. 

In a very strange turn of events, Megan goes home. It’s not because the house sent her packing, she actually packed her own bags for this excursion. Here’s how it went down. Jessica called Alex “Pau Pau”, which I guess was a reference to a former cast member and Megan went and told Alex that Jessica called her “Panda”, which Megan took as some derogatory name calling. In the end when Megan was confronted, the pressure must’ve gotten to her, because once she stepped into the Diary Room, she never came out.

Cody and Alex find themselves side by side and they are either working out or setting themselves up in positions for some “work outs”, either way, Cody has seem to come to develop a bit of kindness and has gained some respect for Alex. He starts to probe a little to see where her mind is regarding the eviction and when he asks her if she were to win HOH who would she put up, Pau Pau was straight up with him and told him that she would break up all the showmances because if you wanted a relationship, you should’ve taken your ass over to ABC and The Bachelor mansion, but if you’re looking to pocket $500k, then stop letting your dick lead the way (I threw in that last part, but I’m sure that’s what she meant). Cody took in what she said and with Megan stepping out, he is forced to put someone else on the eviction block, do we really need to discuss who that person was? Okay, it was Alex.

Big Brother Weekly Re-Caps | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

These guys have showed up to this house, charged and ready to go, sexually that is. I understand that libidos are going to run high, but these motherfuckers were ready to go at the first peek of skin. They were jumping into each other’s beds quicker than it takes for “I love you” to be uttered on The Bachelor. And while I find it cute that Kevin really didn’t think people were hooking up, we knew it was going to happen, but for fucks sake, add a bit of mystery to this story, at least wait for some bets to be made. This may definitely be one of those times where boobs will be put before brains. 

This show is going to open the judgement side of my brain and for once I will make no apologies. I actually never really apologize for it, I just think that this time it may be justified. First up is Elena. Look girl, I see your beauty, but someone should tell you that your natural look is much more breathtaking then the one you paint on. I’m not anti make-up, I just think that it’s not always necessary. I know I was never hot, young, and dumb. . .well, I was young, I just hope that the dumb never accompanied it. To walk into a hallway and react as if you are walking into Michael Myers childhood home, really tests out the gag reflex and if I’m going to have that tested out in any way, shape, or form, there better be a happy ending in it for me. Look Jessica, I get it girl, you got the tits, you got the stomach, you got the ass, you’re even getting the guy, you could lose the fake eyelashes though, it doesn’t look as natural as you think it does, you don’t need to add the ditzy trait to your personality, it sets us back a bit.

I did mash three episodes into one re-cap, so I know it was long (but if you think this is long, you should really check out my Bachelor/ette re-caps, those will keep you up late), but in the future each episode will get its own re-cap.

 

 

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