BXTCHES Gotta Warn: This year’s finale is actually five fucking hours and if you have watched even one episode this season, you would know that happens to be four too many. How anyone at ABC thought that #BachelorNation wanted a two day, five hour finale of that jack hole, blows my mind and should probably be fired. Five hours of Ben or Nick? The popcorn is ready, but hours of a race car driver wannabe/has been (yes, you can be both simultaneously)? That’s a no from me. So, I am gonna watch and for the first time, not document the entire five hours, but give a roundabout re-cap. You’re welcome. And since I already know the outcome, I’m sure I will have my very own commentary to add. Again, you’re welcome.
Before I jump head first into the shallow end of the empty pool, we need to briefly discuss the Fantasy Suite episode, since I wasn’t too thrilled having to watch Arie make his “move”, that re-cap will sit where it belongs, in my nightmares. . .so, I’m sure it goes without saying that he was able to finally cross the finish line in first place (for once) and while it may not have been 18 year old, sorority girl pussy, he seemed pleased with the outcome.
I will discuss the Women Tell All in my Final Thoughts, which could be very thoughtful tonight.
Chris Harrison kicks off the show basically telling everyone that even though Arie will most likely go down in Bachelor history as the absolute worst, it was all done in the name of love.
Arie and the family meet up to talk about the fact that he is in love with two women. Lauren meets them first and while discussing things with his dad, she tells him of her previous engagement and her fear that another ring on the finger will not pan out. Funny enough, her dad told Arie that Lauren doesn’t commit to things that she is unable to see through. I’m thinking Lauren and her dad need to have a conversation. Arie says that his roadblock with Lauren is having to constantly reassure her, which takes away from time getting to know one another. They all liked Lauren, but have promised to keep an open mind about Becca.
Becca goes into the day a little nervous, considering his family met Lauren the day before. Becca seems to fit right in, but I think that is just part of her personality. She does the sales pitch to mom, which goes very well, considering that his mother already had Lauren lined up as her future daughter in law. I don’t think the family got any sort of memo when it came time to do the talk, because everyone of them seemed hell bent on talking about Lauren, instead of focusing on what it is that Becca can bring to Arie’s life, but since Arie is a grade A asshole himself, it’s easy to see that the apple isn’t falling far. So, all in all for Becca, meeting the fam didn’t go as well as one would hope. And that one being Becca.
When Arie sits down with his family to seek their advice, his mom’s response is “they are both adorable”, which as everyone who is happily married knows, is the number one factor when choosing a future spouse. He goes on to tell them that Becca makes more sense, but with Lauren there is an “undeniable love”. His mom also thinks that Becca is better for his future and his dad thinks that Becca is more suited for his personality and it seems that the entire clan has now jumped on the #TeamBecca train. He tells his family that this is the biggest decision of his life because it will determine his whole future. Truer words have never been spoken.
His last date with Lauren has them visiting Machu Picchu, which is one of the Seven Wonders of the World. I actually had to look it up, because it sounds like a Pokemon to me, but apparently it’s one of the “New” Seven Wonders and Lauren is thrilled to visit. They are definitely acting like two fools in love. Arie is constantly telling the camera how happy he is that Lauren is letting her walls down and is finally giving herself to him. Now, I hate to play the judgy feminist card, but she did wake up with that motherfucker in a hotel room, so chances are she not only broke down her walls, but I’m quite sure that she also gave a lot of herself to him that particular night.
Lauren does use her time wisely and actually says more words to Arie than I have heard her say in one sitting so far this season. It comes down to this. She has never had a connection with anyone like she has with Arie, which is miraculous in itself, were the other guys she’s been with in a coma? He doesn’t even know what it was about her that had him falling in love. . .but I’m happy to remind him. He actually talked nonstop about how beautiful she was, so I’m thinking that was the catalyst for his falling deeply. Anyhow in the end, if Arie picks Lauren, dogs are gonna get walked and golf is gonna get played, so hang on for a wild, wild ride.
The date between Becca and Arie is just two people walking through the streets of Peru. If there weren’t cameras, it would look like a couple enjoying their vacation. While Becca knows that Arie loves her, her fear is if he loves Lauren equally. He does admit to being conflicted and going back and forth, but can’t really put what his hesitation is into words. Her only concern is how different her and Lauren are and that is what confuses her. He doesn’t do much to put her fears at ease, but does continue to tell her that he loves her. She then reads him a bedtime story, that she wrote herself and gifts him with a scrapbook that even has a page for their first baby. #wishfulthinking
If ABC and Chris Harrison was trying to keep the drama under wraps, they fuck that up when they have Jason Mesnick join Chris. Now this happens after Arie’s date with Becca, but before he gives his final rose. Jason Mesnick is famous for breaking up with his first choice and putting a ring on the finger of the second place finisher. Way to keep us in the dark ABC.
It’s the final day (finally) and while pondering over his choice, our relationship guru shares with us some of his wisdom. . .“the hardest break-ups are the break-ups you don’t see coming”. . .well shit.
Becca and Lauren are both getting ready, hoping that by the end of the day they’ll be celebrating something fierce with their new fiancé. Becca knows she loves him and she knows he loves her, but her worry is that he is also just as in love with Lauren. Lauren gives him the credit for her believing in love again and even went as far as to say that her and Arie have had it hard. . .I’m gonna leave that nugget right there because it’s obvious that she is living in a bubble. #richpeopleproblems
Well, Lauren is the first one out, so of course that means that he is about to break her heart in two. She starts her speech by saying “Arie when I met you this summer. . .”, well, isn’t this a neat piece of information. Filming for The Bachelor started on September 22, which means that Lauren met Arie prior to filming, somebody kept some things from us. Just for shits and giggles, filming wraps up in November, right before Thanksgiving, which means that it takes these women about two months to be completely ready for marriage. Just to put the exclamation point on his assholeness, he lets her give her entire speech, knowing he is about to crush her. He could’ve broken the news to her as soon as her heeled feet met the mat, he could’ve been a real man and met her at there hotel room, saving her the time and effort of looking fantastic and ended it there. But since we have already talked about what an asshole Arie really is, he did exactly what we expected. She ends her speech telling him that he is the man she has been looking for her whole life and he just stands there shaking his head back and forth. I can say that Lauren is a much better BXTCH than me, she handled herself with complete class, which is to say, I would not have.
He dropped to one knee for Becca, she says yes and then things take a turn. . .for the absolute worst.
Throughout the season, I have repeatedly said that someone in production hates Arie and does so with the mind of a mean girl. This is the point in the three hour shitshow, that someone at ABC thought “Have we made him look like a big enough tool yet? No? Well hold my beer.” We now get to watch Arie and Becca after she says yes. They’re cooking and playing chess and just hanging out like a couple in love. But in true needle dick fashion, Arie admits (in a confessional) that during his getaways with Becca, he finds himself wondering what would it be like with Lauren. He goes to bed and thinks about Lauren, he wakes up and thinks about Lauren. I’m not wise on all things biblical, but I’m pretty sure that Becca’s uncle would tell Arie that what he is feeling is called lust and it’s a seven deadly. Even though he made a commitment to Becca, his heart is leading him to Lauren.
And continuing to burn the bridge from him to America, instead of being a man and going to Becca to explain things, he decides to call in ABC first and share the fact that he is going to break the engagement with Becca off BEFORE he even tells Becca. His parents really raised him right.
I guess ABC was happy to go with Arie’s burning ship because Becca shows up for a weekend getaway as happy as one would expect her to be and the camera man has to film her knowing what’s about to go down. The producer has to pretend that all is well, knowing what’s about to go down. Even watching her gush about him, I feel guilty, because I know what’s about to go down. It’s like watching a horror movie and the girl goes up the stairs instead of out the door. RUN AWAY BECCA, RUN AWAY!
Chris is doing his best to try and sell the reason behind the cameras filming the break-up. “It’s so real and raw”, well, so is an execution, that doesn’t mean we want to watch. ABC decided to not only show the incident unedited, but also split screened, so we can get him telling and her reaction. Way to look out for our wants and needs, how thoughtful. When Arie shows up, he tells her that he needs to talk to her, which sets off her spidey sense, but he waits until the second camera crew enters the house before he even begins. At this point, he’s giving Summer’s Eve a run for their money. On a side note, if you’re gonna go in bare, go in bare. Don’t bleep shit. If we gotta watch her get her heart broken, I wanna hear it all. I’m guessing that at some point after he gave Becca the final rose, he spoke with Lauren and maybe that’s where his feelings are coming from. He admits to not being 100% honest with Becca in Peru when they talked about Lauren. He actually told Becca that he couldn’t see a future with Lauren and he couldn’t specify why he fell in love with Lauren. He says a whole lot of words, but doesn’t convey a whole lot of anything. To say that Becca is shocked is an understatement. Two things I can take away from this fiasco. #1: Arie is more worried about the “what if” aspect of Lauren more than it is anything #2: Lauren and Becca have shown more class than I can even conjure up. She tells him she’s done and goes to pack and since ABC’s dick is still lodged deep in his throat, he follows her. I think he’s upset that she has yet to shed a tear and that alone is doing something to his pride. He wants to believe that she loved him more than he loved her and I think, he may be waiting for her to beg, just my hunch. He asks her if she needs a few moments alone or should he just go, she says go. It’s when she finds some alone time in the bathroom, that she breaks down, but being the top asshole, ABC doesn’t cut off her mic, so America gets to hear her sobs. And it’s clear that Arie somehow managed to make it through 36 years of life without learning how to be a man or an adult, because he actually knocks on the bathroom door to say “Hey, are you okay?” I thought Arie dodged a bullet when he cut Krystal loose, it now looks as if it is the other way around. Not only does Arie not know what get the fuck out means because his ass finds the couch not the car, but the camera crew has no respect for any sort of boundary. I get that it’s a reality show, but Becca signed up to be proposed to on T.V., not broken up with and if no one in that house can read her body language, it’s a wonder if any of them get laid on the regular.
I hope that during After the Final Rose, she gets to give him a piece of her that he has yet to savor. It’s shitty that he showed up to blindside her, prepared on what he was going to say. Because let’s face some facts, he had not only prepared what he was going to say, he had also practiced it. He even knew it was all going to be filmed. Becca thought it was gonna be another lover’s weekend and instead spent four days crying her eyes out (her words).
It’s time to get real for a moment. When he first broke the news to her, as upset as she was, she was also embarrassed (her word). As a woman, I was pissed on her behalf, but if anybody should’ve been embarrassed, it’s Arie and possibly his family. But eventually, he convinces her to sit down with him and as he tries to force his tears, but fails, she talks about how much she loves him and how her future has been ripped away. . .I have a feeling that at that moment, if he would’ve said never mind, let’s work through this, she would’ve jumped on board. Girl, that is embarrassing. She does pull it together somewhat and tells him, once again, to go, but he clearly something is getting lost in translation, because he just sits there and stares at her, she then says that she can’t even look at him, to just leave and still he sits. Then he says “okay, I’m gonna go”, like it’s brand new information, but still sits and stares. It’s only when she refuses to look up, does he take a hint. Lauren is a lucky, lucky lady. It should be noted that at this point in the disaster, she is no longer wearing the ring. And as brutal as this break-up was and my heart broke for Becca, I gotta say that Peter and Rachel breaking up gutted me a little bit more. #neverforget
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ABC decides to kick ATFR off by finishing up the aftermath of the break-up and with my hand to the Lord, Arie actually tells the camera “It makes it so much harder because I’ve been in her shoes and I’ve had my heart ripped open.” Okay, slow the fuck down speedracer. Unless he has had someone propose to him, then without warning that person tell him that it’s not him they’re thinking of when they fall asleep at night, so even though they promised him a forever, they need to see how the other person pans out. . .then you have never worn those particular shoes. But I suppose Jason Mesnick has been in Arie’s shoes, so that is who he seeks out for advice and his words of wisdom is to not do anything unless he is 100% certain.
Virginia Beach and Lauren are up next and it first appears that this is going to be a surprise visit, since Arie has to stop and take some deep breaths before knocking on the door. Low-key, I was kinda hoping he would either have a full blown panic attack and have to be rushed to the hospital or at the very least throw up in the military man’s yard, but apparently this whole episode is about dreams not coming true. Clearly Lauren is expecting him, because she flies into his arms as soon as she opens the door. It is definitely not the actions of a surprised, jilted ex. But we then hear him tell the cameras that he has spoken with her on the phone. She tells him what she’s gone through since the break-up and how it impacted her life and how it was the hardest break-up she’s been through (I am rolling my eyes as I type this). He lays it on thick, she accepts. I can’t say anymore than that without the fear of actually puking all over my keyboard. But know this. I read a lot. . .like a lot a lot. . .of romance novels and this whole display he’s putting on is even skeeving me out and I love books where it is literally love at first sight. Also, I really hope ABC makes him foot the bill for the next engagement ring or at the very least make him use the one he picked out for Becca.
When the live show resumes, Chris is ready to talk to Bekha, Tia, Seinne, Caroline, and Kendall. They are all pretty shaken up by the sudden turn of events. I really think that they’re more shocked that it could’ve been them standing hand in hand with Arie and they’re just pleased that they missed that particular train wreck. We were actually lucky enough to learn quite a bit from the girls. Bekah is no longer #TeamArie, in fact I’m sure somewhere she knows out of the tow of them, she’s the one looking more like the adult. She’s pretty pissed that Arie didn’t break things off with Becca in private and sees no hope for his future with Lauren. Tia was actually with Lauren when Arie reached out via Instagram and if you thought there was no way you could possibly think less of him. . .he reached out to her on New Years Eve. Couldn’t even wait until after the New Year or wait until after the premiere of the show, which was on the first. Now, he claims she told him to reach out, which is partially true. She knew he was struggling with the way things ended with Lauren and actually told him to reach out to her if he needed the closure. What he didn’t do was tell her that he was actually going to reach out to her. So, Seinne was kind enough to share with America that he had already talked to Lauren and she had agreed to take him back BEFORE he even had the decency to break things off with Becca. So, add Lauren to the growing list of individuals who knew Arie and Becca were through before she did.
Becca gets her shot to confront Arie, but he really lacked clear concise answers and not only left her hanging, but the whole of #BachelorNation as well. She did forgive, though I’m sure she’ll never forget, but being named the next Bachelorette will go pretty far in helping her do so.
For the record, my problem isn’t with the break-up, though I thought it was pretty shitty. My problem is with Arie’s need to take that heartache public. He had a choice and clearly made the wrong one. In his defense (that’s painful to type), when asked, Becca did say she was okay with the cameras being there. Not only is it what she signed up for (I don’t agree), but she claims it also brought some closure. My opinion? ABC asked her to be okay with it and considering she is the next Bachelorette, she agreed. ABC and The Bachelor got a ton of flack for how this whole ending went down, which was well earned. Interestingly or ironically enough, Mike Fleiss twitted “Please try to have sympathy for all involved tonite. These are real people with real emotions. . .#TheBachelor.” Isn’t that something? Real people. . .real emotions. It doesn’t seem that his particular advice was taken into consideration when ratings became involved.
It was almost over emphasized that Lauren is the good guy here and none of this is her fault. Look, I’m already not a Lauren fan. I think she lied about her aversion to love. Remember, she told Arie that her parents played a part in her hesitancy when it come to opening her heart up, but when you watch the hometowns, there is no indication that she grew up in a home that lacked love and when Arie shows up post break-up, Lauren told him that after Arie dumped her, she went home because she needed the comfort and love of her family. Again, something that doesn’t line up with her woe is me story. But all of that aside, she knew Arie was going to break up with Becca and she agreed to take him back prior to the break up. Her previous engagement ended because her ex-fiancé became an asshole. . .what part of any of these events scream great guy who deserves me? Maybe assholes are her thing.
To cap off his title of the Worst Bachelor Ever or Asshole of the Year or That Ain’t No Man. . .we could really go on and on with this, Arie decides to use the stage and propose to Lauren. Clearly he has no idea what the word privacy means. Becca is still in the building and while she may be excited about her new adventure, there is still a wound that is slightly open and he just poured salt straight into it.
The night ends with Becca having the opportunity to meet several of the guys vying for her hand. We should probably keep an eye on. . .Lincoln. . .Chase. . .Brian. . .Darrius. . .Blake. . .when Becca’s season kicks off in May.
The Women Tell All show was everything we thought it would be. I don’t think the premise behind it is for the women to question Arie as much as it’s their opportunity to take on each other and the number one person on the hit list was Krystal. And truth be told, that was my motivation for tuning in. We learned that most of the girls thought Krystal was a bitch. She also claims that the sultry voice was due to losing hers right as she was coming into the competition. She was there for six weeks. She also claims that Arie has a “needle dick” (her words) and I’m assuming with all the bumping and grinding they did, she would know. Bekah and Tia had a bit of face off. Bekah took issue with Tia telling Arie that because of her age, she didn’t think Bekah was ready to cross the threshold from maid to matron. I’m thinking Bekah now believes she dodged a bullet and is probably sending Tia a thank you card. When Arie was questioned, he gave the standard answers. . .it’s a difficult journey. . .I have to go with my heart. . .I was further along with some of the others. . .and in all honesty, I think the only one really torn up was Tia and like Bekah, I think she’s gonna be okay. Any Tell All episode comes down to being an audition for some of them to show up on the upcoming season of Paradise and this showing wasn’t any different. For proof, see Olivia. She got sent home night one, so what could she possible have to tell, yet there she was giving her input. By the end of the episode, we only have a commitment from Bekah, but I’m sure others will soon be signing up.
All in all, I think that this season of The Bachelor was nothing short of a clusterfuck. Not being able to tie Peter down seemed to throw everything into a tailspin and there was no chance to recover. The reality is, it’s entertainment, I get that, but just once can we get some dose of reality. Rumor has it that Peter fell through because he wasn’t willing to guarantee a proposal. But how great would it have been if we could’ve witnessed Peter really going through the steps? Agony and love. . .heartbreak and indecisions. This season has just proved that Mike Fleiss needs to stop pulling from the alumni pool and start from scratch. It’s also further proof that maybe we should start letting this experiment play out a bit more organic and a lot less forced. Proof that season went straight down the shitter? Chris and Arie never surprised any watching party. That’s usually a staple. Wanna know why? Probably because there weren’t any. Even in my home, January through March, if it’s Monday, it’s The Bachelor. Not this time around. The only enthusiasm that could be mustered, was to bash Arie. For me, The Bachelor is a lot like reading a book. I need to “fall in love” with the leading man. I need to be envious of the girls going on dates. I need to anticipate eagerly for the next chapter (episode). I need to love it so much that it becomes the topic of conversation. This season is a book I will never pick up again.
I’m gonna need for the current and past alumni to stop telling #BachelorNation that we just don’t know what it is y’all are going through. No, y’all have no idea what it is that we are going through. I’m not trying to say that we know who it is that should be picked in the end BUT, we do see it all, both sides. We are very invested participants in the process. We are most certainly not in it for the fame, we do want to see the love shine through. Love is not complicated. Now, falling in love with multiple girls at the same time is, but not because of the love aspect, but because it’s not natural to be in love like that. And it’s offensive when someone sits on the stage almost criticizing the viewing public with the excuse of “no one understands”, then don’t go on T.V., because once you do, it becomes our business. So when someone believes that having cameras document him while he breaks off an engagement is the best way to crush an individual, we have the right to voice our disappointment.
Welp, that’s it until May and this BXTCH cannot wait.
Now it’s time for the worse part of the season. It’ll be boring as hell for me to go through one by one, so the best thing for me to do is grab the most interesting. Chelsea Roy from Portland, Maine may be one to watch. She is in real estate and a single mom to Sammy and when she says that she is looking for another good man to be in her life and one to show Sammy what it is to be a father. . .I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the baby daddy is non-existent. She’s hoping that since Arie has already competed for the heart of a single mom (Emily), there is a point sitting in her pro column. Caroline Lunny is in real estate as well, which she points out as a common thread for her and Arie, little does she know how common that thread will become, and no worries, she did grow up around cars, so call off the search, she has been found. Maquel Cooper is on the young side at just 23, but that’s just the tip, so to speak. It seems that the Utah native has already been married and divorced. But interestingly in her featurette, she says things like. . .“One day I’ll find love.”. . .“I wanna be married.”. . .“I really want to find someone to share a life with.” Oh, it gets better. Apparently her ex-husband, Josh Munday, wants her back. They were high school sweethearts who, according to him, just got married too early. And he already has Maquel fitted for her chastity belt, claiming that her conservative Mormon background will not have her hopping into the fantasy suite with the race car driver (see the interview, 
BXTCHES Gotta Warn
