BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I’m not really sure why I even call this a warning anymore, I mean, I guess it sometimes is. . .but since I wanna stay somewhat consistent, a warning is what it will continue to be. I just want you to know that I am well aware of the fact that sometimes this doesn’t even come close to representing the word ‘warning’. The past couple of weeks I have decided to re-cap as I watch, well this week. . .I just ain’t doin’ it! I did go ahead and watch last night (it is now Tuesday) and let me just say the following: Usually I can tolerate the wince that this show produces within the depths of my soul. Why? Because the man candy that is trying to find a bride makes it so. I know. . .I know. . .shallow. Whatever. My point? I don’t even have that this year, so for two whole hours every single Monday, my soul is in a constant cringe state and it’s becoming a bit too much to bear. But I’m no quitter, so forge ahead I must. However, I am trying to convince myself that the fine folks over at ABC are in a rebuilding mode and is chalking this season up to a bankruptcy of the mind. Full disclosure, it is only the fourth episode, he still has some time to win a BXTCH over.
Last Week On: That episode was nothing short of a hot mess. They wrestled, we continue to learn that Krystal is nutty as a fruitcake and it’s getting worse, one of the Lauren’s got sent home during her one-on-one, Annaliese revealed that dogs also trigger her PTSD (we learned this on a dog date), and The Kissing Bandit *wince* isn’t swapping it with everyone, which Annaliese found out the hard way and was sent packing, along with Bibiana. Fun times.
Tonight On: (1) group date and (2) one-on-one dates
Even though this season, so far, can at best be declared disappointing, this episode however did bring about some realizations. Chelsea in this episode is by far the best Chelsea I’ve seen this season and she does a great impression of Krystal, which will always score some points in the pro column. Fake or not, eyelashes really do make a difference and the psychological vetting that is being done on these contestants is clearly not thorough enough.
We kick off this episode talking about the youngest elephant in the room. . .Bekah. And the ones passing the judgement are Chelsea (29), Caroline (26), Jenna (28), and Becca (27). The question being pondered among this group is: would Bekah be ready to get married and does Arie know her age? There really wasn’t an opinion on whether or not she is ready to be married at such a young age, their bigger concern is that fact that she hasn’t yet told Arie her age (I’ll discuss more on that later). I am one that believes 22 is a bit young, but they all are seeming to forget that not only is Maquel 23, but she has already been married and divorced, so if anyone has insight at tying the knot at such a young age, it would be her.
Straight from jump street, the crazy is coming out of Krystal like hot lava. In her confessional she not only gushes on about how proud she is of Arie for sending Lauren home, but how these girls are not prepared to fulfill Arie’s wishes. She never clarifies on what exactly the wishes are, but she makes it clear ain’t nobody ready but her. The icing on this crazy cupcake? She claims that the ladies are living in a false reality and she is willing to be the voice of reason that Arie may need. She is just so thoughtful. There is so much to dissect. First, I think that because Krystal wants as much screen time as possible, she sits in the confessional just saying words. Second, c’mon ‘false reality’, has anyone told her that she is in fact on a reality show to find her husband? A false reality is what she is currently living. Good Lord, I hope her mother is planning some sort of smack down for her when she arrives home.
The ladies quickly learn that this shitshow is wrapping up in California and is about to move to Lake Tahoe and they couldn’t have been more excited if they were learning that Arie had decided to just take on some Sister Wives and declare them all winners. And just in case sound travels a bit better than even we can imagine, the ladies decide to announce to Tahoe that they are in fact on their way. Insert eye roll right about here.
Someone in production certainly had Kendall in mind when they jumped onto Hotels.com to book the accommodations for this trip. That girl is in taxidermy heaven. The date card has been dropped off and first up is Seinne and the first one-on-one of the show.
One-On-One Date #1: Seinne, “Let’s let our love soar” -Arie | More about Seinne Fleming. She is 27 years old and currently resides in Orange County, CA., although she has also called Scottsdale, AZ home, something in common with Arie. She graduated from Yale in 2012 and currently works as an Assistant Property Manager. Fun Fact: She won Miss Teen Long Beach in 2007. Arie arrives to pick up the lucky lady and this leaves the ones remaining to speculate whether or not she will be coming back. Arie’s self proclaimed bride had this to say: “Seinne is on a date today and she’s probably going home tonight, um, that makes me happy. The more girls that go home the more time I get with Arie. So good luck.”
I have to wonder if the crew goes into the living area, hands out binoculars and tells the girls to go check out the view from the balcony, because that is where we find them. And what is it they’re doing you ask? Getting in a Arie + Seinne peep show. It’s weird enough that there are multiple ladies competing to be someone’s bride. It’s weird enough that they all sit around and talk about their personal time with him. It’s weird enough that as soon as he removes his tongue from one mouth, another is waiting to be filled. I think it’s about time that ABC added a new feature to the show that’s creatively titled “Give these ladies something to do” because standing outside creeping on someone else’s date is usually not well received in the real world. Regardless, the one-on-one date has our couple parasailing which leads to a picnic on the beach. The conversation centers around Arie’s family and the wedding of his younger brother. Seinne shares her trepidation about being on the first one-on-one date after Lauren (the one he sent packing), but he puts her mind at ease by telling her how impressed he was with her back on the first night. The kissing then commenced.
Back at the lodge: Maquel talks to her mother and learns that her grandfather has passed away. Apparently, this was very unexpected, he wasn’t sick, nothing indicating that the end was near. She does pack up to head home. I’m not sure what the protocol is for this, but I do hope she is allowed to return. The next date card arrives and we find out it is a group date and with only 13 girls to choose from, 12 will be piling into the car together and one will be left daydreaming about what their alone time will bring. Bekah, girl it’s almost time to whip out the ID, your one-on-one date is here. BXTCH side commentary: It has not taken too many brain cells for even me to see the sexual chemistry that sizzles between Bekah and Arie. So one should’ve been able to deduce that it was just a matter of time before her number was picked. One would not be Krystal. It is in her professional opinion a 14 year age difference is too much to overcome and Bekah is so young that she has yet to find her identity. Don’t you just love how concerned she not only is of Arie, but for Bekah as well. She is a true member of the Ya-Ya.
The sun has set and as we learned last week, this was not a good thing for Lauren. Let’s hope it goes better for Seinne, if for no other reason. . .just to piss off Krystal. Before anything even gets started, we get a piece of Seinne’s confessional on love. She talks about how hard love was for her parents, so that example wasn’t very firmly set, but she goes on to talk about how growing up, there was no fairy tale ending for black girls. Which contributes to her apprehension towards love. When the conversation kicks off between the two love birds, Seinne brings up Arie’s run on the show and how he has not been in love since. He does admit to only dating girls who he knew wasn’t ready for the long haul, even if subconsciously. Time to put on the brakes. Only Arie and his ex’s know the real truth, but from everything I have read, the may be pulling on Seinne’s leg a bit. Just Google Sydney Stempfley. There’s this article or this one. Probably more, just start there. Everything implies that she was serious and that he is somewhat a liar. This one fact that certainly stood out is him telling her that he found out that he was going to be the next Bachelor just one hour before Good Morning America announced it. He really must have some ocean front property to sell in Scottsdale. Back to the date. Their conversation flowed just okay. Seinne talked a lot about her parents and how she realized as a kid that marriage isn’t perfect and that there weren’t too many examples of girls that looked like her on T.V. finding love. I think she makes a good point, but I kinda got the feeling that she was almost trying to conjure up a reason for being love shy. But, she certainly didn’t ramble like Lauren, which means she found herself a rose in the end. So far the best part of these one-on-ones? The concerts, from what I am assuming feature up and coming artists. Tonight’s show starred Lanco. Again, I have no idea who he is or where he came from, but it was good. Having to watch Arie and Seinne dance. . .not so much.
Group Date: Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacquline, Tia, Jenna, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, Caroline “Will our love survive?” -Arie | He does bring up Maquel, but doesn’t mention whether or not she will be returning. Fingers crossed. The date kicks off with a hike. I don’t think this date could’ve been planned better for Kendall if she were to have picked it herself. Soon they meet up with a survival expert and his wife. Not only experts on surviving in the wild, but they have been married for 13 years, so there you go. They tell the ladies that the skills that they need to survive in nature are the same ones that they would need to survive a relationship. I’m sure this was meant to be cute and all, but to survive something would indicate that I was able to get through it alive. Hello, there is a T.V. show with the same name and one that does not have me ever wanting to sign up for. If you’re looking to just ‘survive’ a relationship, you should probably get out. Relationships are for thriving, not surviving. My husband and I have gone 23 years without me having to pee outside or kill my own food or read some sort of a treasure map leading us to the end of the rainbow, because I can pretty much guarantee you that if he and I were thrown into the wild, one of us ain’t coming out alive and we sure ain’t coming out still married. I’m not sure what the education background looks like for these women, but the fact that this survivor expert was not only able to convince these women to pee in a water bottle, but also almost drink it because they thought Arie was drinking his, tells me that they aren’t as high on that spectrum as I maybe thought. FYI, Arie didn’t drink his pee, it was apple juice and they literally had to stop a couple of the girls from taking swigs from their bottles, which were filled with urine. I would also like to ponder over the following, how many of the girls would’ve still kissed Arie thinking he drank his own pee? Next up, whose willing to eat some worms? Man whatever happened to just getting a brazilian and showing off the tits, now in order to impress your date, worms need to be consumed, and let’s not forget the maggots. No thank you. Of course our resident lunatic believes that this is all a desperate attempt at trying to claim Arie’s attention. Since they now have all the skills needed (peeing in water bottles and eating bugs) they are ready to traipse through the wilderness with hopes of making it to their destination. They are split up into three teams and sent on their way. Arie is placed on the blue team and needless to say, those who weren’t are none too happy and some quickly learn that if surviving in the wild has any bearing on surviving in a relationship, it’s not looking good for them. Eventually all arrive at the destination, which is a hot tub oasis.
Things get interesting quick. Krystal finds her way next to Arie in the hot tub or he finds his way next to her and across from them are Tia and Caroline, who use this time for some fun by mocking Arie and Krystal. Arie finds it funny. It was. Krystal however believes that they are making faces at her and they are making Arie uncomfortable. Two things. It was Krystal who throughout the show (up to this point) talks about how juvenile the girls are and how it’s her that’s the voice of reason and she is what Arie needs, but she’s gonna whine that Tia and Caroline are making faces at her, a dictionary would be a nice gift for Krystal. Her mother really needs to intervene, because something definitely went wrong in the formidable years. Second, the only thing uncomfortable in that hot tub was Arie’s dick. Everyone eventually makes their way to the hot tub and now the only thing uncomfortable is Krystal. She actually compares herself to a camp counselor supervising high schoolers and questions whether or not this is real life. She asks that knowing that she is in Lake Tahoe, sitting in a hot tub with 11 other women, all striving for the same man. . .I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no, no it’s not real life, but the fact that you actually had to ask that question, just wraps you up in one neat little delirious package and trust, it gets even better later in the evening.
So, the problem for someone like Krystal is since she has basically declared herself Mrs. Luyendyk, Jr. or let’s face facts, it’s more likely that she has declared him Mr. Krystal Nielson because that man doesn’t have an alpha bone in his submissive body. Anywho, back to the problem. She really believes he has already picked her and is just going through the motions for the sake of the show. Exhibit A: Kendall pulls him aside at the beginning of the wilderness hike just to get a kiss. She did eat a worm and a maggot for crying out loud, she deserved more than a kiss, but Krystal’s reaction was shock. When they are all in the hot tub, we’re lucky she didn’t drown anyone once Arie moved from his place beside her, to the middle. We’ll get back to the unhinged reality that Krystal finds herself residing within in a bit. First up tonight is Lauren and I believe her when she tells him that she is working outside of her comfort zone because she asks him: “I mean, what exactly are you looking for? I know you want someone who has a flexible schedule. But what else are you looking for?” Do you think she knows she is on a show looking for love and not at an interview looking for a job? She does go onto mention how she hopes when their old and gross looking, that they can still “spank each other’s butts”. I’m pretty sure this was her way of subliminally telling Arie the kind of kinkery she prefers. He did respond with “I like that”, so hey girl, you may have found him. We learn from Kendall that she travels with a duck named Ping and she is looking forward to introducing him to Arie. I do believe that Arie is really starting to feel something with Kendall, quirks and all. Krystal continues to alienate herself from the others by constantly giving her own commentary on how the date has gone versus how her other dates with Arie have gone. I just really think she enjoys hearing her own voice, but it is fun to see the other girls imitate and get frustrated with her. When it’s time for her to manipulate Arie, she starts off by telling him that things are hard because since she got one of the first one-on-ones, she feels like a target has been put on her back, which I would get her concern if it were the girls eliminating one another, but is it really a target if Arie is the one picking? Also, has she forgotten that Becca had the very first one-on-one of the season and she is still able to function without being a total wack job? She is trying to convince Arie that she is becoming a victim with the other girls, she brings up the hot tub situation, he tells her how pretty she is. She goes on about how she pours love into everything and how much it hurts. . .I don’t even really know what she’s talking about. She’s trying to cry while saying ‘like’ every other word. I have two words. . .bat + shit. I have seen many episodes of Snapped and I know what qualities they are looking for when it comes time to “cast”, that bat has a lot of what is required to be a star on that show. Tia makes an appearance and Krystal asks Arie to delay her for a minute and he does. He is definitely a bottom. The night is about to get 100 times better when Krystal asks for a moment of Tia and Caroline’s time. Please let them all go on Paradise together. Even though I may need to bleach my eyeballs, I promise I’ll watch the whole season.
The whole point of Krystal pulling aside Tia and Caroline was to tell them how her feelings got hurt when they were in the hot tub. I would like to remind you all that during the entire episode thus far, she has continued to comment on how she is at a different level than the other girls and how immature they all are, she has basically commented on how adult she is versus how childish everyone else is. Seriously, someone get her a dictionary and flag a couple of pages, just for some pleasure reading and to maybe ensure that she stop sounding like someone who thinks she knows all the words. When she realizes that the “she got her feelings hurt” battle cry is getting shut down solidly by Tia, she switches tunes to how uncomfortable she was in getting the one-on-one so early and how all the others were giving her a hard time, which again, got shut down. Krystal was really just trying to start something that would then allow her to run to Arie and whine about how the other girls are being mean to her. The hypocrisy of the situation is that Loony Tunes continues to say that she is only there for Arie, which if true, then who cares what others think?
Now Tia is getting to have her turn with Arie and she breaks down a bit, Arie soothes her nerves. . .again with his tongue and she walks away feeling more assured. Well, Arie earned about a teaspoon of my faith when he hands the rose over to Tia.
One-On-One Date #2: Bekah “I’m looking for a stable relationship.” -Arie | But before the date can even get going, Chelsea, and Seinne find themselves having to listen to Krystal discuss how proud she is of herself for overcoming all of the challenges that tried to hold her down on the group date. She claims that she is working on not coming across as being so intimidating to the other girls, because she comes across as flawless and with my hand to the Homeboy above, she said that. I’m no psychiatrist, but I am quite certain that I can diagnose this as being out of one’s mind. This is my 3rd full season to watch and I’ve seen some unhinged ladies, but this chick here takes the cake and the ice cream. Now let’s get to the date. I think we have our first running into the arms, whilst wrapping the legs around the waist of the season. Congrats to Bekah for that honor. They trek through some woods on horseback, which leads them to some hot tubbing. They drink some, they make out some, she rubs the screws on his collar bone, you know, the norm.
As the nighttime gets underway, Arie is waxing poetically about how great Bekah is. . .how incredible and amazing she is. . .how strong and independent and sexy and mature she is, if there was a positive adjective available, he grabbed it. So, while the others are sure that he is going to let her go as soon as he finds out her age, there are too many positives swimming around in his head (and most likely his pants) for that to happen. The convo is flowing very well. They’re talking about their chemistry, about how intrigued he is by her, they discuss wanting to really get to know one another. As the discussion progresses, eventually she asks him if he knows how old she is. His reply? No. When he does ask and she responds with “I’m 22”, he seems shocked, I just don’t know if I’m buying his lack of knowledge. Maybe he didn’t know she was 22, but I’m willing to bet that he wasn’t opposed to a contestant being that young. I have no idea if the star of the show gets to put in guidelines when contestants are picked. But, I would like to think that they have a say in what the minimum and maximum age that they are comfortable with. He does ask if she has ever dated someone his age and she tells him that she has casually dated men in their 30’s, but no one as old as him. His concern at this point is does she really know what she wants. He does voice concern about getting to the end and falling in love with her, just for her to break his heart. It goes back and forth for a bit before Arie tells her that he believes that the connection they have could be amazing and decides to give her the rose and then does what they do best, make out.
It seems as though our Bachelor has his mind already made up and is choosing to forgo drinking hour, much to the dismay of the ladies. But before that bomb gets dropped, Krystal has once again decided to dole out advice, which if you think about it, is quite humorous. If she really knew all that much about love and how to find it and secure it, she would most definitely not be on my TV screen right now, encouraging me to fast forward. The saving grace? Hearing the others talk about how they feel about her.
Seinne, Bekah, and Tia all have secured their spot, so I suppose skipping out on getting buzzed isn’t fazing them too terribly much. The others however, I’m sure wished they were able to tip back a couple of shots before heading into the line-up. Mostly because they haven’t gotten “their time”, but a little bit because Krystal has made the decision that nobody, not even The Bachelor himself, is gonna tell her that she ain’t getting her time. She interrupts the doling out of the first rose and asks to speak to Arie, leaving everyone ready to cut a BXTCH. And BachelorNation soon learns that our little crazy nugget is also pretty insecure. In the end, she just wanted him to know that she is only there for him and how much she believes in their relationship. I called this from the one-on-one date, but I do believe if she makes it to the Fantasy Suites, he may have a pregnancy scare on his hands.
“I really like Arie.”. . .”I can’t use the ‘L’ word yet, but I really like him.” -Seinne
“Arie’s looking for a woman, not a girl.” -Krystal
“Ghandi used to drink his own pee.”. . .”I’m not Ghandi.” -Marikh
“I would drink my pee for Arie.” -Jenna
“I think if Krystal gets the rose tonight, Tia is going to speed bag her face.” -Caroline
“I mean obviously it would be frustrating if I went home and Krystal stayed. But Krystal’s not his wife.”. . .”She is playing him like a fiddle, man.” -Caroline
“My relationship with Arie is very strong. Is he gonna send home a woman who has a lot to offer? I don’t think so.” -Krystal
“You know just like people slut shame and body shame people, you were like glam shaming me.” -Marikh
“Like freakin‘ Millennials these days.” -Chelsea
Here’s some truth about me. My body shape isn’t anywhere near ready for The Bachelor, my age would actually be the bigger issue, but I’m trying to make a point. I have always been fascinated by The Biggest Loser and I always thought I would probably be successful on that show, but it’s a show that I would NEVER take part in, wanna know why? Because when the contestants get weighed, they have to remove their shirt. Nope, not doing it. It takes me way too far outside my comfort zone for an event like that to occur, even if it were to mean me losing a significant amount of weight. So I find myself wondering, why is it that every contestant on this show is someone who has had a very difficult time with love. Whether it’s. . .they’ve been too hurt to try their hand at love until The Bachelor. . .it’s so hard to be vulnerable until The Bachelor. . .it’s really hard for them to open up until The Bachelor. . .they don’t trust easily until The Bachelor. . .you name it, they have it. My point is this, if you are really someone who has been burned to being almost unrecognizable, your heart has been shattered and there is no way you see yourself trusting in anyone in the near future. . .the best decision for you to make is to compete for the love of one man along side 20+ other women? Now all of a sudden you can trust and open up? It seems to me if your hangups are any of the ones mentioned above, then going on T.V. to find love is the equivalent to me standing in a sports bra being weighed for the world to see. Ridiculous.
I suppose we need to discuss the Bekah age situation. Now I get that 22 is young, but Maquel is 23. Corinne was 23 to Nick’s 36 and Brad Womack was 38 to Emily’s 25 (and he picked her). My mind is in the same place as everyone else. Is she ready for a marriage? I’m gonna go one further and say that I don’t even think he is. During this particular segment, in his confessional he went on and on about how he wants a wife and a family and how serious he is about the journey. I will again remind. . .Sydney Stempfley, just click the links above. But in the end, I have no idea what Bekah is ready for, only she knows that. And since when can someone not be adventurous and live life to the fullest, while wearing a gold band? I actually liked her on this date more than I have up to this point. She was much more composed than he was, she somewhat tackled the issues head on and answered his questions honestly or at least what seemed to be honest. I get that the minimum age to appear on this show is 21, but I also think that the Bachelor/ette certainly has some sort of say in what their minimum age is, if not, then shame on ABC. However in the end, I do believe that this was only meant to be a step up to the next journey for her in this crazy franchise. And let’s not forget, he likes them more on the younger side and while that age may only be more for his sexual preference, but if that’s the case, his bride to be better get ready for her Knight in Shining Armor to have himself a side piece.
I’m starting to want to encourage ABC to revamp this show and while I’m pretty sure no one over at the American Broadcasting Company is reading to find out what suggestions this BXTCH is making this week, I’m gonna forge ahead with them. . .you know, just in case. I think that they should really consider sending the contestants out on their own sort of group date, while The Bachelor/ette is out doing their thing. It’s starting to creep me out to have to watch them peep. Also, I would like to somewhat be able to see the thought process behind the Rose Ceremony. I mean, we watch the contestants almost the entire episode, what is the Bachelor/ette doing? Let’s just get some sort of a glimpse. I’m starting to believe that BachelorNation needs to have a say in who the next Bachelor is. With all the polls and surveys going around, surely y’all can figure something out, because whatever method is currently being used, is way off base. I really am trying to find something about Arie that’ll give me at least an internal moan, but the only thing that rattles up from the depths of my BXTCHy soul is frustration. There is no charm, no sex appeal, no humor. . .GIVE ME SOMETHING! And since we’re discussing it, the ladies this year seem to be having the panties melt right off, if that is the case, then the editing is going terribly wrong, because it’s not translating and I really want to believe that these ladies are really feeling something and not just there for the cameras.
In the end, Tia lost another friend and even though I did have Caroline in my final four, it was really me just picking someone because the only two I was truly feeling was Tia and Becca. But here’s what I want the ones discarded to realize. You dodged a bullet, girls. If he ain’t feeling it, then I promise you there is something greater waiting. And just by being on the show, you have already signed up for a really strange orgy type of club with the Bachelor Alumni, so surely there is someone within that group that’ll have you screaming sweet nothings soon enough. Also, do you really want to be with someone who is okay with the type of behavior that Krystal has been displaying? Arie is 36, he has lived long enough to know better, but doesn’t seem to care. So, anyone that can be attracted to whatever it is she’s emitting, is someone that I wouldn’t want anywhere near my good stuff.