BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I feel like I should first issue an apology. This BXTCH kinda let shit just fall apart at the end of Rachel’s season and didn’t finish. Truth be told, I did have a lot of stuff going on and I did pull the same stunt towards the end of Big Brother, so I did at least spread the procrastination. But, in case you were relying on my re-cap to bring you whose hand Rachel did accept, well spoiler alert. . .it was Bryan. Now that we have that behind us, I think I speak on behalf of a pretty good chunk of BachelorNation when I say “Who the fuck is Arie and what did y’all do with Peter.” There was a collective heartbreak across America when Rachel broke Peter’s heart, but we mended the crack with the hope of Peter being named the next Bachelor, but ABC flipped us all the finger and went a route none of us saw coming.
I still don’t know who Arie really is. I didn’t watch his season of The Bachelorette and I suppose I could’ve done a bit of research, but the motivation just was not there. Although I did hear that he was the runner-up, so there is that. Maybe I feel like the spark is missing. And the more I watch the teasers for the show, the more I’m starting to believe that the sole reason Arie was picked is because ABC is able to use phrases like “JanuArie”. #cuetheeyeroll
We’ll discuss Arie a bit more later, right now we need to get to the business of meeting the 29 girls ready to cut a bitch for the chance to win his heart. Now, the first episode of the season is my least favorite. To have to watch women come up with “clever” (I use that term very loosely) ways to impress The Bachelor makes this BXTCH wanna cut a bitch. Look ladies, most of the work is done. . .you’ve made it to the introduction. . .all you need to do is make sure that your hair extensions have been tightened up, your lashes are secure and your tits are on point, you should know how to do the rest. Unless your usual MO is pulling up to a bar in a race car OR asking a guy to drop to his knees immediately after exchanging introductions OR asking a guy if he has a small weiner, while handing him a small weiner, okay that one was actually funny, then you should be reading from a somewhat familiar playbook. What I’m trying to say is this, if you put the work in and look the part, the rest will usually fall into place, even if your nerves are threatening to take over, it will at least come across as being sincere. And for the love of #feminism, please stop with the fangirling when you do actually meet The Bachelor. C’mon, this could be the man you’re about to marry, if your gonna fangirl at all, at least wait until the guy crawls between your legs and gives you something to fangirl over. You’re welcome.
Some fun facts. . .Brittane Johnson was on the reality show Ex-Isle, the same reality show that Blake and Lucas (Waboom) from Rachel’s season were cast-members. . .Annaliese Puccini is an actress/writer who has an IMBD page (check it out here). . .Bibiana Julian is a former Miami Dolphins Cheerleader who was featured in FHM magazine back in 2007 as America’s Sexiest Cheerleader. . .hopefully I’ll have more fun facts to come.
Arie is 36 years old, the average age of the cast is 26, with the youngest being 23 (though rumor has it Bekah could be 22-no age is listed) and the oldest being 33.
Before we get to the good (another word I’m using loosely here) stuff, can we take a moment and for once admit that white girls look alike. It’s almost as if ABC wasn’t really checking too many boxes, but if you’re blonde and your hair flows freely down your back-you in girl. #disappointed However it is nice to see that we have EIGHT women of color represented. #canthaveitall
Because it’s been five long years since Arie was a fixture on Monday nights, ABC did give us a bit of a re-cap on his Bachelorette run, all the way down to the break-up. I didn’t watch his season, but here is what I now know. . .he appeared on season 8 of the show. . .Emily Maynard was The Bachelorette. . .he finished 2nd, behind Jef Holm (who won and eventually lost) and in front of Sean Lowe, who went on to star on The Bachelor (season 17) and find love. I guess it’s also no coincidence that ABC pulled in Sean Lowe as the one to give Arie pre-season advice. Even though it’s been a while since Emily broke Arie’s heart, he claims that he hasn’t been in love since and even though The Bachelorette was/is his biggest heartbreak, it did prove that he could fall deeply in love (on T.V.). #fingerscrossed We do learn that while racing may still be a part of his life, his career is now in real estate.
Now it’s time for the worse part of the season. It’ll be boring as hell for me to go through one by one, so the best thing for me to do is grab the most interesting. Chelsea Roy from Portland, Maine may be one to watch. She is in real estate and a single mom to Sammy and when she says that she is looking for another good man to be in her life and one to show Sammy what it is to be a father. . .I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the baby daddy is non-existent. She’s hoping that since Arie has already competed for the heart of a single mom (Emily), there is a point sitting in her pro column. Caroline Lunny is in real estate as well, which she points out as a common thread for her and Arie, little does she know how common that thread will become, and no worries, she did grow up around cars, so call off the search, she has been found. Maquel Cooper is on the young side at just 23, but that’s just the tip, so to speak. It seems that the Utah native has already been married and divorced. But interestingly in her featurette, she says things like. . .“One day I’ll find love.”. . .“I wanna be married.”. . .“I really want to find someone to share a life with.” Oh, it gets better. Apparently her ex-husband, Josh Munday, wants her back. They were high school sweethearts who, according to him, just got married too early. And he already has Maquel fitted for her chastity belt, claiming that her conservative Mormon background will not have her hopping into the fantasy suite with the race car driver (see the interview, here). Tia Booth is a physical therapist from Weiner, AK. Her tie to the Bachelor world is Raven Gates (Nick’s season). Her and Tia are good friends and it’s because of Raven that Tia is giving reality love a shot. Kendall Long plays the ukulele and collects taxidermy, but does wonder why she has yet to have a relationship last more than a year. Who wants to break the news? We meet Marikh Mathias, a 27 year old restaurant owner, while she is working out with her trainer. . .with a full face of make-up, lashes and all. Really? That’s a sure sign that, that BXTCH has something to hide. However, we do meet her mom, cooking in a restaurant kitchen, also with a full face of make-up. Again, really? So the apple does not fall far. She is however, pulling a pretty strong Kim K. vibe. It seems that every season has at least one and Krystal Nielson is the this year’s resident personal trainer. She does have her own YouTube channel (here), but with only 32 subscribers and 7 videos, not a lot of attention is being paid to the upkeep. On a more philanthropic note, once she found out that her brother was living on the streets, she was spurred into providing some help for the homeless.
Caroline is first out of the limo and girlfriend took the expression #titsup very literal. Her girls are screaming to be noticed. Job well done. Seinne (also works in real estate) is the first to come bearing gifts. Elephant cuff links, her favorite animal, to be exact. Tia gifts Arie with a little weiner. I’m just gonna leave that right there. Britt stuck a “Nice Butt” bumper sticker to his ass, because while you’re not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, putting it on an Arie is just fine. Get it. Super fucking funny, huh? When our health and fitness guru steps out, she decides that Arie needs a little wellness prayer. On a side note: Every year I wonder how is it possible for so many attractive individuals to be yearning for love so badly that T.V. is where they go to find it. You always ask the age old question “how are you single?” and every year I’m able to figure it out within the first 30 minutes of episode one. Let’s continue. Bekah shows up in a classic car (insert whatever brand you imagine here), telling Arie that “I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic.” In my head she’s calling him the classic AKA old, but he seemed to interpret it a bit different. Bekah was one of the very few to admit that she didn’t know a whole lot about our Bachelor. Becca K. proved that friends are missing in her life, since not one told her it would look ridiculous for her to have him drop down to a knee as an introduction. Because that’s what she did. Good Golly Miss Molly, I would love to watch some of these ladies put their moves to work in a bar. Someone brilliant over at ABC decided to maybe save some trouble and put all of the Lauren’s into one limo. Lauren S. was followed by Lauren J., who brought him Mardi Gras beads as a clue as to where she is from. Did you say New Orleans? Yeah, you’re wrong, she’s actually from a small town near there, I still don’t know the name of it, but Happy Mardi Gras. Lauren B. is out next, followed by Lauren G., so in case you’re keeping track, that’s four Lauren’s. Ashley brings a fucking racing flag, because you know. . .he’s a racer. It was as if she asked the limo driver to stop at Hobby Lobby because she forgot her prop. Brittany T. attempted to woo him with some Dutch, but I’m thinking she picked up a book while Ashley was running into Hobby Lobby, because she may have meant for it to be sexy, but it came across as a small child who just learned to count in Spanish. Arie almost gave her a “you did so good” compliment. One would think it couldn’t get much worse. . .one would be wrong. Amber decides that the following is great “pick-up” material, hold tight, I’m going for verbatim here. . .“I own a spray tan company”. . .“Yeah, so you can imagine in my line of work, I see a lot of dick.”. . .“And I’m just hoping you’re not one.” And just when you begin to think that it couldn’t get any lower than Amber talking about the amount of dicks she sees, out steps Ali. What could Ali possibly have done? This bitch actually had him sniff her pits. Here’s the thing, I don’t know what’s worse, her asking or him actually doing. Last, but I suppose not least, is Maquel. She arrives in a race car, for the race car driver. She wasn’t driving it, she just got dropped off, but it made all the other girls jealous, so mission accomplished.
Chelsea does a good job at body positioning, because she puts herself right next to Arie when he makes his appearance and by doing so, she takes him first. She plays the mystery card and tells him that sacrifices were made for her to be there, but she’s not going into detail about those sacrifices (ahem, she has a kid). I think it’s really just a way to keep him wanting more. It may not sit well with the other 28, but so far, it’s working for her. She gets interrupted by Maquel, which triggered something in the single momma, so look out for a Chelsea vs. Maquel showdown. Brittany T. pulled some strings and brought in some hot wheels for a bit of a race. It seems #cliche is the theme of the night. But once again, it was something that worked, because she found herself attached to his lips and according to her, his lips are “like clouds, like pillows”, but no tongue, she didn’t want to seem too aggressive. Lauren G. food tested him with a pineapple, telling him that is her safe word, a little advice to Lauren G., I don’t think Arie is the kind of guy you would need a safe word with. Now, you may need a code word to kink it up a bit, but I think as for as “safe”, you’re good girl. There is a reason for my theory, hear me out. Jenna decides to give Arie a little pedi and Arie decides to label Jenna as “wild”. Yeah, this man ain’t throwing no one up against anything but a mattress. #straightvanillaBXTCHES We have now made it to the point in the night where the freak out has begun. The first impression rose has made its appearance, and the women are beginning to kick it up a notch. . .or twenty. It’s not only about who is going to make the last impression, but who has yet to make one at all. Some are kicking back and keeping their cool, just waiting their turn, while others are busy surveying to find out who has yet to be interviewed. Others, well one in particular, decide that one conversation just isn’t gonna be enough. So while Arie is busy trying to get to know Krystal, Chelsea walks up and whisks him away. On a side note: Everyone wants to sit and complain about being interrupted, which I agree is rude, but if it’s really that big of an issue, then tell a bitch no. She can sit and wait her turn like everyone else. Of course, just once I would love to see the Bachelor/ette tell one of the contestants just how rude it is to interrupt someone when they are speaking. Hello. . .parenting 101. But regardless of how you feel, Chelsea succeeds, her tongue is the first of the season to meet Arie’s. I’m actually torn on this particular action, but I’ll talk more about that in my Final Thoughts. I can say that even though Chelsea is most certainly the first villain of the season, she is also the one to land the very coveted First Impression Rose.
So, we know that Chelsea is safe, but who else tightened Arie’s pants just a bit. Here are the one’s given roses this week. . .
“. . .the point is, the guy’s a catch. And we’ve found some truly extraordinary women, from across America, who want to meet him.” -Chris Harrison
“His tongue is like, so huge.” -Kendall
“I hope Arie’s ready for my spice.” -Marikh
“Please tell me that you don’t already have a little weiner?” -Tia “I do not have this. So you did good.” -Arie
“Damn, that was a sexy entrance, in a sexy car and I walked out with a little weiner.” -Tia
As of today, I’m am planting the flag for #teamtia. I am still of the mindset that Nick screwed the pooch when he picked Vanessa over Raven. But all things do happen for a reason and now Raven has found love with Adam. So it should stand to reason that Tia is going to be a favorite. Now, I’m thinking that Bekah may have somewhat of a Corinne effect. She has yet to reveal her age, but she does have to be at least 21 to be on the show and with what little research I did, rumor has it she’s 22, which is super young, but Arie does seem to be somewhat smitten with her. I also think that Caroline may go far, but that’s all I got so far. Hopefully next week, I can add more to the list.
Chelsea is going to be the talk for several episodes and I already know that she is not going to rank high for me. I’m going against everything I really believe in by saying she is the wrong kind of person for this show. And I mean desperate. She is desperate for it all. . .a husband. . .a baby daddy. . .a man of the house. First, I don’t think she would even be on the show if she didn’t have a kid. Just based on how aggressive she is on the first night, it is clear that she needs and is looking for that role to be filled ASAP. I don’t yet know how I feel about single parents being on the show. It’s not that I’m necessarily against it, but I do think that maybe they should carry themselves a bit differently. Shoving your tongue down a complete strangers mouth on national T.V. is one thing if your single and have yet to pass a child through your cooch, but once that breach has been made, better decisions need to be close behind. And we all know that the only reason she even swapped the spit was because she heard everyone talking about how Brittany T. had already kissed him. Look Chelsea, just calm the fuck down a bit, you’re gonna have to let Arie be the alpha if you have any hope in claiming him as your step baby daddy.
I don’t yet know how I feel about this particular Bachelor. I know BachelorNation wasn’t thrilled over Nick, but since I never watched him on The Bachelorette, I didn’t get or understand the villain vibe. In fact, I thought Nick was fucking hot and truth be told, that’s what we’re all looking at initially, right? I think Arie seems very nice, I just haven’t gotten the toe curling vibe from him yet. It could come, I’m just terribly confused on why go back five years when you had beauty staring you right in the face. . .in the name of Peter.
Next week, we’re gonna have to discuss the age of some of these girls and it’s also time to discuss Maquel. Maquel who is 23 and has already been married and divorced. Maquel whose ex-husband is wanting his woman back. So, stay tuned.