BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, I apologize for the tardiness of this post. I spent the weekend in Denver with my daughter (volleyball tournament) and didn’t get back home until late Monday night. My body decided while in Denver, it would be a mighty fine time to come down with a hella cold, so it’s now Tuesday and I’m finally sitting down to watch Ben and the final three. Unfortunately, after getting home from volleyball practice tonight, my niece decided it was a great time to spoil this episode. I almost punched her in the throat, but realized that would be considered abuse and just freaked out on her instead.
BXTCH side commentary: I am well aware that hottie Ben Higgins lives in Denver. Unfortunately, unless he was couped up inside the Colorado Convention Center, there was no chance in hell of me running into him. Bummer.
It’s week nine and time for the overnight dates and you know what that means. . .finally time to get to talk without the cameras around. C’mon, get your mind out of the gutter. Well, at least for now, mine will be there later, no worries.
One would think Ben would’ve learned his lesson regarding tropical locations after the Bahama incident, but I guess not, because Ben and the lucky ladies are meeting up in Jamaica. I’m not too sure how these dates are spaced apart, but I’m sure it’s not a week per date, however, I’m hoping it’s not back to back to back either. I mean, that’s a lot of pressure on Little Ben to perform, not that people don’t get the business 3 nights in a row, I’m just thinking that 3 different girls, 3 nights in a row, dates, cameras, that’s just lots of pressure and what an awful time for stage fright to appear.
My Bachelor review usually consists of me watching the episode all the way through, making notes, then re-watching as I actually write out the “re-cap”. I realize that I’ve never really committed to a season of The Bachelor, but I am well aware of what the Fantasy Suite is. However, I’m will get to my feelings regarding all that a bit later.
First up tonight is Caila. To re-cap her hometown visit, I thought she had the most successful visit of the episode. Her parents were super receptive to Ben and if you remember, Ben actually said that his relationship with Caila was deeper than any relationship that he had with any girl left (he’s still saying that at the onset of this particular date). So, one would think/hope that going into an overnight date, Caila’s sitting pretty. However, I guess when love is involved, there is always a bit of uncertainty. Even more so, when your guy just happens to be in a relationship with two other girls, damn those details. As usual, Caila is feeling a bit unsure. Even though her own mom told her to tell Ben last week that she loved him, she still hasn’t done so and it is starting to really affect her. Ben takes Caila on a raft of sorts, down the river. There is very uncomfortable silence. Conversation seems almost forced. In her “confessional” she admits to being frustrated. It’s kind of stressing her out that he’s in a relationship with two other girls, it’s almost too difficult to get out of her own head. When they finally get a chance to talk about things, Ben expresses to her that he really doesn’t want her to feel stressed. I just think Caila is really overthinking things and allowing the fact that she hasn’t spoken the “words”, cause her anxiety. Ben pretends that in order to even offer up the Fantasy Suite, that he’ll need his relationship with Caila to “open” up again, but seriously, there is no doubt about what Ben is going to do with the invitation to the suite. NO REGRETS is the motto Caila is chanting in her head and when the nighttime arrives, she is determined to express her love. Ben needs to know why Caila was acting peculiar and Caila finally lays it on the line. Yes, she tells Ben that she loves him. He doesn’t say it back, but does decide that the appropriate response is to stick his tongue down her throat and well, we all know, that is code for “Hell yeah, I’m getting laid tonight!” Caila then decides to channel her inner Olivia when she says (direct quote) “Ben doesn’t have to say anything. I tell him I love him and I can see in his eyes and I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Slow down killer, that confession didn’t turn out too well for your spirit animal. Even though Ben claims that this is what he’s been waiting for, he doesn’t reciprocate those same feelings, he does however, hand over the all important invite and she of course, accepts. I guess the importance of the evening is being able to spend time without our eyes present. We do however get to see the beginning of what I’m guessing was important conversation (wink, wink). The next morning brings a certain promise and a confession of “amazing” and more “I love you’s” from Caila (you go, Ben). Even though Caila believes that Ben feels the same, he just can’t express it. . .well, Caila, you’ll be singing a different tune (closer to Alanis Morissette) when you watch back this episode.
Lolo. . .c’mon down, it’s time for you to take Ben out for a test drive, I mean, overnight date with Ben. I have to address the funky strut in the room. What in the hell was up with Lolo’s walk? First, it’s her constant pucker, then she is literally walking like she has a stick up her ass (I am not joking), I think her shorts are too tight, but I’m not sure if that’s the case. It’s strange to say the least. Our boy Ben doesn’t seem to notice, so all is good. Like Caila, Lauren is hesitant to express her love for Ben to Ben. The date kicks off and Ben does good. They spend the day with baby sea turtles and get to release the nest. Super cool. Circle of life and all that. They get the chance to re-cap the hometown date, since they haven’t talked since. He confesses that he cried to her sister and that he thinks he’s too good for her, she feels the same way about him. It was all very campy and cheesy and almost straight from Hollywood. The nighttime brings some Reggae music and Lolo stressing out about telling Ben how she feels. Just like with Caila, she is feeling the stress of the other girls and their relationships with Ben. I guess they’ve never seen an episode of this show before. They sit down and not eat dinner and just really discuss the previous week and their time apart. It’s almost like her and Caila read from the same notes before they sat down with him. Of course, he offers her the Fantasy Suite and of course, she says yes. She disguises it as needing time away from the cameras and being able to spend time with just Ben and no distractions. Tell yourself what you need to, especially when you know that there’s a high possibility that your parents are going to be watching this episode with you. Ben, however, is eying Lauren like she is his next meal and his plans include removing the giant stick from her ass. The Fantasy Suite brings it out of Lauren, she confesses her love for him and he returns the same feelings. In case you missed it, his words were. . .“For me, I’ve know I’m in love with you for a while as well.” She sheds some tears and my only guess is it leads to a different kind of making out. Circle of life and all that. I’m shocked that she didn’t tell the cameras to get the fuck out. Her dress is on the floor the following morning, so I’m quite certain body parts became acquainted. This fucking show needs to be on HBO. The morning brings promises of “no more holding back” and more confessions of love. I gotta say, I don’t feel that Lauren is very genuine. I almost feel like she’s fake in a way, like she’s putting on a front for Ben. Had no where else to say that, so why not plug it in right here.
Last again, is Jojo. Who I think at this point may be my favorite. Again, girlfriend is putting it all out there. Her ladies are ready for an up close and personal introduction to Ben. I’m very much attracted to dick, but even I want to motor boat Jojo. Ben claims that if by the end of his date with Jojo, if he isn’t feeling love, then he will have to say goodbye to her. Her brothers really didn’t help out Jojo, in fact, the word assholes come to mind. But a helicopter ride and a beautiful waterfall later and we find Ben and Jojo becoming familiar once again. I suppose it’s all about risk taking. They did jump off of a cliff together. Once again, another lady wants to declare her love to Ben, but fear gets in the way. Although, Jojo was much quicker to say the words than the other girls were. And, holy shitballs, Ben says it back to her too. So, I guess he figured out rather quickly that he actually does know how he feels. I think her reaction to his declaration was much more genuine than Lauren’s reaction. Ben even admits that he is more himself around Jojo than he is with any other girl, so it’ll be interesting to see how this plays out. Jojo has zero doubts about whose husband Ben will be, and in case you’re a bit slow on the uptake, she’s betting her last name will be Higgins. Ben’s biggest concern is Jojo’s family. The main worry from Ben is that her brother’s do not know him anymore than he knows them, even after the hometown date. Jojo did her best to set his mind at ease, we’ll just have to see if it worked. Fantasy Suite is offered, Fantasy Suite accepted. I’m not sure how that will bring Ben closer to Jojo’s brother’s, but the body wants, what the body wants. Ben and Jojo actually seemed more at ease with one another “the morning after” than the other two. At least it’s Ben doing the walk of shame each time.
BXTCH side commentary: It seems that in every episode, they’re either drinking, making out, or talking about the same things over and over. It’s constantly. . . “I’m just so scared” OR “I’ve never felt like this in my past relationships” OR how much the idea of declaring their love scares them. It’s the strangest thing, they all express their feelings about other girls still being in the mix, but then turn right around and tell Ben how great he is, it’s almost back-handed. At this point, I think it’ll be easier to just drop to your knees, which I’m sure they each do later in the night. C’mon, all of these one-on-one conversations are all the same. We know you’re scared, we know that you’re unsure if you’re heart and mind can feel the same things, but you know you are in love with him. What we don’t know is. . .does he know what your favorite restaurant is? Or, who your favorite band is? Or, how you feel about Donald Trump and does he feel the same? Or, what the one thing is that you can’t live without? Or, Jojo, are your girls real or fake? Or, has it occurred to any of you to maybe start the awkward convo about what happens if he does propose to you? Will ya’ll live in Denver? Are you willing to relocate? Is fun even a possibility without some alcohol present? I just feel that we are not getting to the meat of the matter. I know, it may not be any of my business, but this BXTCH is just as invested in this happily ever after as anyone, so I need some answers.
It’s about to get seriously awkward, so hang on. During confession time, Ben admits that he is in love with both Lauren and Jojo, but doesn’t feel the same with Caila. So, we already know (if we didn’t previously) that Caila is going home. Caila gets a wild idea (one that I’m quite certain was given by ABC) to surprise Ben, because she “misses him”. Remember, Caila is bringing out her inner Olivia, she thinks that he may not have said the big word back, but she knows just by looking at Ben, that he feels the same, so why not surprise him. Once she plays a quick game of guess whose lips, he at least appears to be shocked. You can sense the weirdness immediately when he continues to let go of her hand while they walk. He takes her to go talk and Ben breaks the news to her. Once he begins his “speech”, she had to know halfway through that he was cutting her loose. He does tell her that he is in love with two women and he just couldn’t say it back to her. She handled the break up well, she does take the opportunity to hop out of the car and try to seek some more answers. I really think what she wanted to ask him was “Did you know before you fucked me that you were going to cut me loose?”, that’s not the words she used, but this BXTCH is pretty sure that’s what she meant. Ben claims that everything was up in the air, that he wasn’t sure where he stood prior to Jamaica. I do think that this whole scenario was staged. I don’t think Caila knew she was going to be let go when she went to surprise Ben, I just think Ben knew he wanted to end things with her and maybe wanted to do it without the other two around, so a “surprise” was planned. Caila is a better BXTCH than I am, because I would’ve left that ass standing there. Caila does break down in the car, Ben seems unsure, so who really knows. I do think we just found our new Bachelorette.
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Obviously the Rose Ceremony is to the point. Both ladies (separately) tell Chris that Ben declared his love and Ben informs them that. . .he has cut Caila loose. Then there were two. While I thought Lolo’s shorts may have been too tight, thus causing her very strange walk, she’s walking the same in her dress. I’m not sure if she’s trying to work her ass and doesn’t realize how ridiculous she looks or if she maybe has a yeast infection. I’m thinking it must be the former, because we know that Ben was all up in that and a yeasty puss is not so friendly to dick.
Next week, the ladies tell all, so holy shit, that is going to be fan-fucking-tastic. Man, I miss Lace. In two weeks, we get to the end. If the previews are anything to go by, then brace yourself because shit will be going down. My prediction. . .Jojo will be wearing that Higgins jersey for real.
“I wish I was in your head. Trust me.”-Jojo
“Ben is just my person. Ben is my person”-Lolo
“Seeing Lauren for the first time is really the closest thing that I’ve ever felt to love at first sight”-Ben
I’m not sure if I’m buying the “I’m so in love with him” line. I certainly think that there is love involved, but for these girls to claim that this is the happiest they have every been, is crap. And if I’m wrong, then what kind of past relationships have they had that makes this one the best? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure being swept away and taken on all kinds of fantasy dates, would make any girl swoon and declare certain affirmations. But, get back to me when life is kicking your ass and the real world is waiting at your front door.
Lolo. . .girl, I think you’re great, but for the love of the 80’s and Valley Girls everywhere, please STOP breaking up your sentences with the word “like”. On a side note, it seems that the Jamaican weather was much nicer to your hair. Fuck the Bahamas.
What fucking mascara do these BXTCHES use? That shit is NEVER running down their faces, even after the love of their life says goodbye, I can’t even step out in the heat without concern. Cover Girl, I’m gonna need for you to get your shit together, figure out the secret and step up your game.
Chris. . .dude, your handwriting is phenomenal, but in the future, we should have the Bachelor/ette leave the “I want to fuck you note”, it’s a little creepy coming from you. But, hold your head up high, your penmanship would make any elementary school teacher proud.
Let’s discuss the premise that is the Fantasy Suite. I think Ben is hot as fuck or just fucking adorable, I haven’t worked that one out yet. And I’m quite certain, if I wasn’t married, I could slut it up with the best of them. I just don’t know how I would feel about knowing that Ben is offering the promise of the deep dick to me as well as the other girls involved. I know, I know, hypocrite much? I for sure think I would take the time to have some fun, I just don’t know if I would be letting him drill it home. I would certainly be saving that part of me for when I knew without a doubt that I was his. **I am not at all implying that I believe that these girls are in any way, shape, or form “slutty”. I think they did what they believed any girlfriend would do and also what they thought was necessary.
I’m definitely glad it’s a new suite for each fuck session, way to keep it classy, ABC.
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.
