BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Now, this is a lengthy post, but this episode is 2 hours long. I’m not sure if this is the norm, I told you BXTCHES that this is not a show I normally watch. I’m hoping as the girls dwindle, the show goes down to being 1 hour.
I’m only 30 seconds into this episode and I have decided that there is no way in the world that I could be on this show, even if I was pretty and young enough. I cannot be that giddy and bubbly and “typical”. And I’m having issues already (sorry, but I warned you BXTCHES). How in the fuck can you already be saying shit like “ohh, he’s the perfect guy?” Really? Now, I don’t want to take anything away from dear Ben, but c’mon ladies. . .you don’t even know if this dude eats pussy. I know, that’s a little vulgar, but it’s the truth. He does look like he enjoys a feast now and again, but let’s not put him on a pedestal just yet. . .plus, he wears briefs, such a disappointment.
Let’s start from the beginning. . .The Group Date included: Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace.
DAYTIME DATE: For this date, Ben took all of the ladies back to high school. And as JoJo put it so eloquently, “I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.” They were asked to place themselves into teams of 2 and compete in a series of “class competitions”. The last one in each round would be eliminated and the final team would then compete against each other for the winner to be crowned. . .Homecoming Queen! The teams were: Lace/Jubilee; Amber/Mandy; Jennifer/LB; Becca/JoJo; Jackie/Lauren H. Time for school. . .First period is Science and a chance to see who can erupt Ben’s volcano. Well, it wasn’t Lace/Jubilee, they are the first team eliminated. Off to lunch and bobbing for apples, because let’s face it, we all bobbed for apples in high school, if you know what I mean, but unfortunately for Jackie/Lauren H, Jackie’s mouth just didn’t have the circumference needed to get the apple in the mouth. Next class. . .Geography, where according to Becca/JoJo, Indiana lays on the map sideways and resides on top of Pennsylvania, so they’re out. Gym is next where Amber/Mandy knocked down the winning shots and earn the opportunity to go head to head in the hurdles for the chance at the crown, where the winner was. . .Mandy, let’s give props where it’s due, this BXTCH ran her tall, skinny ass off jumping those teeny tiny hurdles. It was all to surreal, because I’m sure the look that the losing ladies had on their faces is the same look any lady has who loses the title of Homecoming Queen, so all in all, a pretty accurate day in high school.
NIGHTTIME DATE: So this part, I’m not too familiar with. Obviously they have all moved into a more hopeful portion of this group date. The mood is set, the ambiance seems to be just right and all the ladies are dressed for a night out, even Mandy, who comes complete with her tiara. I think he’s a bit awestruck by Becca, so I’m not too sure how he is really feeling about her, though, she did out shoot him on the court. but I know she’s from a previous season of The Bachelor, which poses the question. . . Do guys watch this show? The first kiss goes to. . .Jennifer. But I gotta say, it looked a bit awkward, but I’ll give him a pass, it was the first one and cameras are everywhere. But it must not have been too terrible awkward, because Jennifer “just wants to kiss his face all night” and the claws are about to come out because Lace is none too happy about Jennifer kissing Ben.
Crazy Lace is back on the “He’s not paying attention to me” train. But she’s pretty sure that the first night was a fluke. She was drunk and it’s not in her nature, so she offers Ben an apology. This is of course after she steals him from Mandy. So far, I cannot believe his “crazydar” has not been going off. But she does think that their chemistry is amazing and that they have been “eye fucking”, so there is that.
Score one for Jubilee, who gives Lace a little taste of her own assholeness when she steals Ben from Lace. Score two for Jubilee, because after a pretty great chit chat, she nails a kiss. Even though, Crazy Lace once again interrupts Ben’s time with another lady, Ben personally comes and gets JoJo, they talk, they kiss, and JoJo gets the very coveted, group date rose (I have no idea if that’s even what it is called, but that’s what I’m going with), which is impressive considering she was unable to locate Ben’s home state, and she should probably sleep with one eye open, because Crazy Lace is none too happy.
ONE ON ONE DATE: When the card arrives announcing this tidbit of information, Olivia just knows this date belongs to her. But, the girl has reason to think that, she did get the very first rose and she hit it off with Ben well. But, the BXTCH was in for a shock, because the girl chosen for the one on one date was Caila, who is super cute and seems to be pretty fucking funny. So you go girl. NOTE TO OLIVIA. . .you keep opening your mouth that wide and you won’t have to worry about Ben being the “only catch”. Girl, you could deep throat a wide mouth jar with that circumference. You should’ve been the one bobbing for apples. Ben puts Chris in charge of the one on one date and Chris puts Ice Cube and Kevin Hart in charge. I had no idea that celebrities came on this show. After picking up some flowers from a roadside vendor, they have a ride along date that includes a stop at the liquor store and the hot tub store, where they indulged. They go to dinner (sans Hart and Cube) where they have a really good convo. Caila seems to be really likable and down to earth. Surprising to me is how insecure Ben is, they touched on that a bit. She did get the rose, but funny enough, they sit down to dinner with full plates of food on the table and they leave dinner with full plates of food on the table. I do think that Ben is kind of digging Caila. They end the date with a private concert that leads to some dancing, Ben singing to Caila, some kissing and of course the signature line of “I can see myself falling in love with Ben.”
Emily, Shushonna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda are the ones chosen for the next group date, which is a really cool science experiment at Love Lab Technologies. The goal is to see who is compatible with Ben, it turns out that Sam was the least compatible and Olivia was the most. However, in my own little science experiment, Olivia would actually rank pretty low on my compatibility scale solely based on her facial expressions. Now, she would score high for her mouth circumference, because c’mon, if you could fit a mason jar in that thing, think about the other things that could go there. But, the other expressions her face make are not only disturbing, but it makes me kind of wonder what her face looks like in other situations, and my bet is, it is not attractive. With high compatibility, Olivia gets pulled aside first and one would think (by her reaction anyway) that this is it, end the show, Ben has found the one. Amanda gets the chance to tell Ben about her two girls, which by all appearances, he takes it well and it ends with a pretty nice kiss. No surprise, Olivia gets the group date rose. She’s a bit of a bitch about it though, so I gotta keep an eye on her. But, Jesus on a cracker, there are way too many tears for this early on in the show. Girls, you have to get it together.
It’s cocktail party time and Olivia may be passing over to CrazyTown. Even with a rose, she interrupts some private time with Ben and another lady, while declaring to the camera that “Ben is her man”, so she is certainly rubbing the women the wrong way and Crazy Lace is having none of that. We did learn that he is extremely attracted to Lauren B and even gave her a picture from their first night together. He made Amanda cry when he involves her in barrette making for her daughters, which was sweet and she may be excited about the clips now, but my prediction is they will be in the trash if she doesn’t get a rose, but bring it down girl, it’s not a proposal.
It’s time to hand out those roses and break some hearts. And I should point out that Crazy Lace is already losing it, which is quite comical. LB gets a rose, but declines it. So who goes home? Sam/Mandy/and some girl whose name I’m not sure of. If the tears of Sam are any indication, her shot at a Happy Ever After has just left as well.
“I am not a crazy girl at all” -Lace
The mantra for all crazy girls out there
What in the fuck was Mandy the Dentist wearing on that group date? C’mon girl, you are pushing the hooves of the camel toe there.
These girls who continue to interrupt (which is an asshole move, not to mention rude) and always ask “Can I steal him?” and the other girl always gets upset, but why doesn’t the girl who is getting interrupted just say “No bitch, I need some Ben time”, okay maybe not those words, but you get the gist.
If you really believe in fate, just let it happen. Don’t force it, it’s making you look a little bit desperate, but these are women who voluntarily went on a show to find a husband, I think maybe appearing desperate is the last thing they are worried about.
How does Ben remember all the names during the Rose Ceremony?
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.