BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, I didn’t post last week. I was hella sick and couldn’t muster up the energy or lung capacity to sit down and hammer it out. But I will grace you BXTCHES with a quick re-cap on what actually happened, I did tune in. Tonight, we only have Nick for one hour, so this should be fairly quick, which is good because next week’s episode is three fucking hours. Was Titanic even that long?
Last Week On. . .Last week were the hometown dates and four girls brought Nick home to meet the fam. Raven, Rachel, Vanessa, and Corinne. Here’s what we learned:
Raven: Hoxie is a shit ton of fun. I’m not someone who goes muddin’, but fuck if I didn’t want to after watching Raven spin out in it. While I’m super stoked about Rachel being the next one in line, I would LOVE to see Raven have a go at this franchise, if she’s not picked of course. Her brother is a cop. Her dad is cancer free and she failed to utter those three little words to Nick when she had the chance. Overall, her date was fantastic and out of the four remaining, she seems to line up most with Nick and where he comes from.
Rachel: We didn’t get to meet (Sir) Mr. Lindsey. Nick seemed a bit upset about this, but the man is a federal judge, so who knows what was up with that, a little too convenient if you ask me. The shock of this hometown? Rachel has herself a white brother-in-law. I shouldn’t be amazed about this, but when the conversation came up about Rachel bringing home a white man, I remember her saying that her family is very diverse, I just don’t remember her saying that her BIL was. Regarding the BIL. . .you could tell that he enjoys being the only cream in that family, he’s also the Anastasia Steele in that marriage, trust a BXTCH on that. Rachel had a nice conversation with her mother, but nothing about the date struck me as “she’s the one” and coincidentally we know she’s not.
Corinne: I think this was the date we were all looking forward to/cringing about the most. Corinne takes Nick shopping, while dropping $3000 on an outfit for him. In my frugal opinion, I don’t think that spending that much money on ONE outfit, bodes well for the finances, if they were to walk the aisle, but Nick did look good. . .so maybe it didn’t shock his wallet too much. Corinne did tell Nick she loved him prior to bringing him home. When Corinne talks to her dad, she ensures him that she is okay with being the bread winner in her marriage if necessary, because that is how deep her love for Nick flows. Nick assures the dad that Corinne won’t need to be the bread winner, he has no intention of being a gold digger (my words, not his). The most serious conversation came from. . .Raquel, surely that wasn’t really a shock. What I learned from Corinne? She does much better sober.
Vanessa: I’m sure Vanessa is leading most boards as winning the coveted spot of Mrs. Viall, but if anything was going to ruin it, it’s was definitely her hometown. Don’t misunderstand, she did everything right, but that is where she went wrong. We first got to meet her students, who welcomed her with tears. She then brought Nick to her mom’s house, where almost the entire family was waiting. This is also where the very important, albeit uncomfortable conversation about “where y’all gonna live” came up. There really was no answer for this, which is why this BXTCH is always saying, THEY NEED TO TALK MORE!! In my professional, reality watching opinion. . .Vanessa’s family isn’t about to let her go. When all that awkwardness was over, it was time to meet daddy-o. When Nick asks for the all important blessing, pops didn’t hold any punches and asked Nick if he has asked every father for their blessing as well. Nick says “yes”, dad passes this on to Vanessa and now Vanessa is traumatized because apparently she didn’t realize that there are three other women vying for the empty spot at the end of the aisle, I’m not sure what show she thinks she is on, but if she’s not picked, she may need to seek out Taylor, because therapy is certainly in her future.
To sum it up, I thought Raven hit a grand slam, while the other three were struggling to just get on base. We know that Rachel is all but done and we can assume the same with Corinne since Nick did turn down her platinum vagine. I think what could hold Nick back with Vanessa is how well she fits in with her family. He was able to see her passion in her job and her connection with those she loves, who would wanna rip her away from that? Also, I think Vanessa is a little fake and is starting to get on a BXTCH’S nerves (but that’s just a personal preference). Oh, and at the very end of the episode, Andi knocks on Nick’s door and ABC leaves us salivating once again.
This Week On. . .Bow Chicka Wow Wow! The Fantasy Suites. We do kick off tonight with a Rose Ceremony. . .then it’s time to get to the biz-ness.
These fuckers at ABC really know how to kick start the dramatics. We go from Nick and Andi to the girls freezing their tits off while waiting for Nick, back to Nick and Andi and so on, but in an effort to get to my own biz-ness. . .I’m gonna start with Andi.
I didn’t watch her season of The Bachelorette (I was not an addict then), but I do know that Nick blessed her with his cock and she picked Josh over him, leaving his heart in pieces. She must be working on a new venture and is looking for some publicity, because I have no idea why else she would just show up. But, a whiskey is poured (the awkward tension had to be cut somehow) and feelings are shared. Nick does cause Andi’s jaw to drop when he confesses that he may walk out of this whole shindig still a bachelor. When speak of the fantasy suites comes up, her advice is if you feel it, then “feel it”. They were both able to clear some muggy air that seems to have been hanging between them and he sends her off with a smile.
While we are all waiting for Nick to finish up with Andi and enlighten us on his decision, we are blessed with some confessionals, which only clues us in on how Xanax would’ve helped these BXTCHES out or at the very least, Nick could’ve brought down the bottle of whiskey he and Andi cracked open. Raven is having regrets on not telling Nick that she is in love with him. Rachel is freaking out about not being the last one standing, she feels so invested in her relationship with Nick, that being the one sent packing would be heartbreaking. This whole experience is fucking with Vanessa in a way that will shape her (good or bad) forever. But before we get to the goods, I will say that I have read in various places that the ladies of The Bachelor are responsible for doing their own hair/make-up and this BXTCH would like to give some props. They look ah-mazing, from the #whitegirlweave, to the shoes on their feet, they have got it together. . .really makes me reflect while I sit here typing with a hole in the armpit of my shirt. . .note to self: get on your make-up game, girl. Also, someone could have put together a fire pit, handed out some hand warmers or something, these girls don’t have the meat on their bones that most of us are accustomed to, they were so cold you could almost hear the teeth chattering. When Nick finally meets up with the girls, his emotions are written all over his face, Raven receives the first rose, followed by Rachel. That leaves Vanessa and Corinne waiting. His feelings for Vanessa wins out, sending Corinne back to Miami not ever getting to know what having Nick between her legs would feel like. I shouldn’t be the bitch that laughs, but when that sob breaks out of Corinne, holy shit, that was an Oscar moment. Nick walks her out and her age comes shining out like a beacon in the night when she says “Wait, baby”. . .”I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset.” He puts on his daddy hat and assures her that she did nothing wrong. I couldn’t even type that quote without laughing, because during the whole walk, you don’t know if she’s smiling because that’s how she sheds tears or if she’s about to break out in a Kim Kardashian ugly cry, but my true feelings. . .she is trying to force some sadness because as soon as she is in the limo, she’s ready for a nap. Now. . .off to Finland. BXTCH side commentary: I don’t know what it is that’s happening over at the American Broadcasting Company, but someone is dropping the fucking ball. First, we find out about Rachel before Nick has even broken her heart, then tonight, after Nick finishes up with Andi, and we go into a commercial break, we get a sneak peek at what’s coming up, which shows Raven running to greet Nick in Finland. Now, this all happens before the roses have even been handed out. So, now we know that Rachel isn’t making it to the end, Raven leaves New York for Finland and when the Rose Ceremony starts up, Good Morning America captions an ad on the TV that says “Corinne speaks out-what Bachelor secrets will she reveal?”, while I figured Corinne would be flying back to Miami tonight, you didn’t have to ruin it ABC, we need to incorporate some mystery back into our relationship.
It’s about to move quick, so hang on. Raven is up first. Mainly because he needs to know where her heart is at. He admits to having a strong connection with her and that their relationship has just grown, but he just really needs some clarity. . .from her. On a side note, in case the hubs actually reads this: I’m down for Finland, for real. Interestingly, we soon find out that Raven has never uttered the words “I love you” in a relationship before, including the previous two year relationship that she was in. That’s pretty jaw dropping. They kick off the date in a local pub, playing darts. They even compete with some of the townspeople. Everything about the date is very natural, very easy. The chemistry between the two of them, comes across perfectly. The conversation that flows is the exact conversation that I have been waiting for. They discuss each others parents, they discuss domestic duties, they laugh, they drink, they talk about the fantasy suites. . .it’s all very smooth. During Raven’s outdoor confessional, which she was sporting a hat with the biggest fucking furball I have ever seen (she wore it well), she actually talks about having sex with Nick in the fantasy suites. The reason I loved this, is because no one ever says that. We all know what’s going to go down, but no one ever mentions it, forget about it being the elephant in the room, it’s like the giant dick in the room that no one will look in the eye. Anyhow, the reason she brings it up is because she is super nervous about it. Wanna know why? Because the asshat from her previous relationship never gave Hoxie an orgasm. Our girl is 25 years old and has never been given the sweet stuff. Hopefully she has a really good relationship with B.O.B, but c’mon, how can any man be with someone for 2 years and not make sure that she gets hers. And, it’s the only guy she has ever been with, so not only did she gift him with her V-Card, that mother fucker couldn’t even make it good for her, man I hope Corinne kept that voodoo doll and puts it to work cursing that dudes dick. The nighttime is upon us and Nick and Raven are moving the date to a very romantic setting. Conversation starts to flow and Raven begins her speech. She brings up her ex and explains why it is she never told him she loved him. To condense. . .she was afraid the feeling would not be reciprocated, he only told her he loved her when he was drunk, never when he was sober. She then goes on to say that the feelings that Nick stirs in her, were never brought alive by her ex, probably because he didn’t know where her clit was, but I digress. Where it gets interesting is when Nick asks her if she could say those words without knowing if they were gonna be said back. So, what I think he wanted to really ask was “I need to know if you love me, but I can’t say those words to you yet. Are you okay with that?” She does answer “yes, if someone is worth it” . It gets really emotional when she goes into her speech. Everything she said, hits you right in the feels, tears are almost shed by both, then she finally tells him that she loves him and it is the very first time that I actually believed it. Usually it seems too scripted, too expected, but Raven laid her heart out there and left it for him to pick up. Nick pulls out the envelope inviting Raven to the fantasy suite and she’s not done with the bomb drops, because that is when she informs him that she has only been with one other person and that she has yet to be taken to the big show. Again, she is talking like sex is a foregone conclusion, which we know it is but. . .after she throws the orgasm secret at him, it would’ve been perfect if Nick came back with a “challenge accepted”, but he really just looked a bit uncomfortable. They then go back to the room, that has a glass ceiling so they can view the Northern Lights, holy shit I need to book it to Finland. Now, if Nick doesn’t come through for Hoxie and her toes don’t curl multiple times, I’m gonna have to give a class. This news that my favorite Arkansawyer has never had the sweet release is very troublesome to me, I hope with every fiber of my BXTCH being, that her ex is teased to the point of having to cry mercy for his inadequacies in the bedroom. Every straight man over the age of 20, should know their way around a woman’s body like it’s a roadmap to a pot of gold, because really it is. And this is where we are dropped off and left waiting till next week. But, next week not only gives us our customary two hours, we also get the Women Tell All. So get the popcorn ready, it’s gonna be a long night.
“I’m not gonna get engaged just because I’m the Bachelor. I’m not gonna pick one just because she’s the last one standing.” -Nick
“The way that I feel about you, I never felt about him.” -Raven
“My dad used to tell me like as a little girl, that he prayed that I would have an easy love. . .” -Raven
While a lot of women sat at home, disgusted when Corinne offered up her goodies to Nick. . .I was not one of them. I don’t think I would’ve used her process, but I’m not necessarily opposed to her trying to trip and fall on his dick. I think sex is a very important part of any relationship and the sooner you know how well a man maneuvers himself around a pussy, the better. I think one of her downfalls was only being concerned about sexing Nick up, the physical attraction was there, but where was the emotional attraction or the intellectual attraction? I know ABC only shows what they want us to see, but not once were we privy to a conversation that didn’t take us back to high school and then cringe at our own memories, “If I knew then, what I know now”. And when Corinne was in the limo and said “I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life.”, the epiphany was loud and clear. Corinne approached her relationship with Nick, like she does with the one she has with her dad. . .one of manipulation, she just thought she could manipulate Nick with her tits. I don’t think Corinne has daddy issues, I do think she is just inexperienced when it comes to men. That’s men, not boys. I think it’s important to know what Corinne said when in the limo. . .“I just want to feel loved, the way it’s supposed to be, like, the normal way, like, why can’t I just have a normal relationship. I’m trying to, you know, say things that men think are appropriate, and you know what? I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that. So if someone feels that way about me, they can come and tell me, and they can bring a ring to go along with it. I’m done trying to impress these men.”. . .”I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life.” For someone who prides herself on “imma do me”, it sounds like she bends herself to conform to whatver her current man (boy) wants. My advice to Corinne would be to play some. You’re young, live it up, work on developing your sexuality, but most importantly. . .be you! Never settle for anything less than what you deserve. If you live in a world where you try to please everyone, someone will always be disappointed. . .work on your own pleasure (every pun intended).
I would love to be in on the contestant picking process that ABC puts these people through. I don’t know what it is that compels anyone to go on television in an attempt to find their eternal partner, but good Lord, it would be fun to figure it out. I’ve been waking up with the same person for the last 23 years, so I may not know a lot about dating many to find the one, but I do know a little about love and one thing that seems to baffle me is when someone gets rejected and then goes on a rant about how they only want to be loved OR find love OR how difficult love is. I’m about to educate you BXTCHES, so sit back and get ready to take notes. As difficult as it is to hear, love doesn’t always work the way you want it to. It will sometimes happen when you least expect it, but you have to trust in the process and the actual feelings that it stirs within you. When it happens, it just happens. There is no regard for convenience or timing. I’m slowly getting on board this crazy train and recognizing that reality love can work, but you can’t put all of your hope into one opportunity. That’s like me spending a year’s salary on lottery tickets, then being devastated when I don’t come out on the other end a millionaire. The doors that close, were meant to be a lesson, not a forever, eventually another will open. Love is a fickle BXTCH. As much as we all cringed when Raven dropped her orgasm bombshell, think about the safety she felt being able to confide in him (and us) with that bit of information. And if Nick has any love for her at all, he is going to rock her world. Love is going to be messy, sometimes love will be challenging. . .learn from it. . .have fun with it. . .let it feel good. “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.” (from The Notebook)
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.