BXTCHES Gotta Warn: If there was ever a time for me to be a BXTCH who popped a Xanax every once and awhile, tonight’s episode would’ve been it. The closer we get to the knee drop, the more intense it seems to get and tonight just drilled us hard with that point. There is so much happening tonight, not just with the episode and the hometown’s looming, but the new Bachelorette is also being revealed tonight and we are going to cover everything, from first base, all the way to the slide into home.
Last Week On. . .When we left Nick and the ladies, Nick had just walked into the suite that the women share and bombed them with the “I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to do this” line, it even came with tears, so shit got pretty real. This was after he had shockingly send Danielle L. home after the two-on-one date. So, as much as I would like to say “ohhh. . .what ever will Nick do? Will he stay and see this experiment through or will he tell the ones remaining to pack their bags, he’s out?”. Seriously BXTCHES, did we really think ABC would just allow Nick to bow out and head home? Of course not, but he’s determined to make it interesting.
This Week On. . .We are down to the final six and tonight Nick will give date cards for (3) one-on-one dates and (1) group date. It’s important to remember that no rose is offered during the one-on-one dates and this is the final group date of the season, but someone will be given a rose during that date, ensuring that Nick will make it to meet the ones they love.
The wanna be brides are still in St. Thomas when we kick off tonight and we find some of the ladies hanging out and discussing the possibility that Nick could go home still a bachelor and Lordy Lou, they seem to be just as upset as Nick at the prospect of this travesty occurring. BXTCH side commentary: Good God, let me just stub my big toe now, it’s gonna be that kind of night. I can’t figure out if these butterflies are more upset that Nick could go home empty handed or if the tears are flowing because their time could be cut short. Maybe it’s the cynic in me or my old age, I get being upset, but the way these BXTCHES are using up the tissue, one would think that he has actually left them at the alter. But since Taylor is no longer in their company to use that master’s degree, let Mama Merrie come to the party for a bit. Look here, if he were to bow out now and say “fuck it, I’m not willing to potentially go through that emotional pain again”, then I would tell you BXTCHES to keep walking, because when you know that you have found The One, past pain doesn’t rejoin the celebration, because there is no room for it. It’s all about the here and now. So suck it up, all that liquor ain’t gonna drink itself. Chris shows up while Nick is pondering life and the other great wonders of the world and decides to counsel the moment. Part of Nick’s concern is his past relationships. Him feeling really good about where those were headed, just to be blindsided and left alone. Understandably, he is terrified to go through that again. When asked if he wants to throw in the towel, his response. . .“I think there’s a big part of me that is and I think that’s what scares the shit out of me.” I don’t think the ABC psychiatrist is properly vetting some of these contestants (Nick included).
Nick once again, just walks right into the girls’ suite (what is with that?) and begins to bear his soul. . .the girls are freaking the fuck out, but to make a very long conversation short, he’s not going anywhere, there will be no Rose Ceremony and the ones remaining are headed off to the island of Bimini. Smiles are back on their faces, cocktails are back in the glasses, and peps are back in their steps. . .they are that much closer to taking Nick home.
One-On-One Date (#1): The date card arrives and the clue? “Let’s go deeper. . .” That’s a clue I can get behind ABC, well done. Every beauty left, was sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to see who would be the first one to get the date in Bimini, but Corinne’s ass was about to fall right off of that edge. Now, she is the only remaining hopeful who has yet to go one-on-one with Nick, well through the dating process that is. Vanessa is the one left with the smile on her face, while the rest of the ladies have evil shooting straight out of the sockets. BXTCH side commentary: Am I the only one who finds it strange that everyone gets pissed at whoever gets chosen for the one-on-one date, but when Nick sends a BXTCH packing, there’s nothing but sadness and tears? I think they’re getting their emotions confused. She meets Nick at the marina and a pretty nice yacht has been chartered. Now, Vanessa did throw up on their previous one-on-one, so taking her on another date where motion sickness could come into play is pretty brave. Vanessa uses this time to discuss Nick sending home Danielle L. and I’m not really against this line of questioning, I just don’t understand why she chose to go with it. We are down to the final six ladies, maybe starting a dialogue regarding the future could be key at this point.
Meanwhile back at the villa. . .Corinne is having a really hard time understanding why Nick chose Vanessa for this date and her and Rachel have decided to figure it out. It is Corinne’s professional opinion that the only reason Nick’s pick was Vanessa, was because Nick wanted to give her an opportunity to “open up more to him, emotionally-wise” (that’s a direct quote). Even though Corinne says that she isn’t going to freak out about the date, she certainly is and attacking Vanessa in the process. It’s ironic when Corinne says that she doesn’t see “much depth to Vanessa”, when the only expanse she has offered up to this point has to with how deep her pussy is, but hey. . .maybe her and Nick are having some very profound convos and ABC has just chosen to play keep away with them. The BXTCH even takes a dig at Vanessa’s family and her job. Way to keep it classy, Corinne.
Back to the date in question. The conversation does take on a bit more depth (there you go, Corinne) and I think they both leave it feeling a bit closer with one another. They strap on the snorkeling gear and jump right into the crystal blue water, it seems for the sole purpose of making out, but I’m sure they were exploring more than each others bodies. In her confessional, Vanessa does admit that she wants to tell him she loves him and that she is falling in love with him, but won’t tell him just yet. I know that doesn’t make a ton of sense, but she said it, not me. The nighttime talk leads them to discussing the hometown dates. Vanessa takes over by telling Nick how easy this relationship is for her and that easy isn’t something she has had in the past. She goes on to say that it’s been years since she has felt for someone that way she feels for Nick, she then puts all her chips in and goes for broke when she utters the “I am falling in love with you”, it’s sealed with a kiss and Nick telling her “I really, really like you a lot”, which is what every woman wants to hear when she puts her heart on the line. I mean, he did preface that with a pretty well thought out monologue about how he’s been in love before and how he’s fallen in love on the show before, but what he is looking for is a love that he has never had. . .then he hit her with the “I really like you” line. Nick actually gave her a really good paragraph, I mean, it could’ve almost come out of one of my favorite books, it was well thought out, got his point across, it wasn’t really what she wanted to hear, but anyone who watches the show should know that what he said is about as close to saying “I love you” as one is going to get at this point.
When the group date card arrives, it’s Corinne, Kristina, and Raven left to decode “Let’s jump in with both feet first.” And we’re back to square one ABC. That leaves both Rachel and Danielle knowing that they will be the ones getting alone time with The Bachelor himself. Once again, Nick goes with the yacht, I’m not sure if it’s the exact same one that he had Vanessa on, but Nick is certainly pimpin’ in style. The girls shimmy out of their clothes to reveal what’s underneath, with Corinne really putting on a show and one can’t help but wonder how snug Nick’s board shorts really are at this point, but regardless of what was growing beneath, the loud ass flowers (YES FLOWERS) that are decorating said shorts, surely covered up any embarrassments. The tension created when Nick puts his hands to work at applying sunscreen to Kristina, is so thick, Corinne could’ve chewed through it, he even kicked it up a notch when his hand met the inside of her (Kristina’s) upper thigh. . .message was sent. . .message was received. They soon find out that they will be swimming with sharks, Kristina is freaking out a bit, Corrine actually asked if the sharks were toothless (and she was offended when she claimed that Taylor called her stupid) and Raven went full on southern girl with “I will punch a shark in the face, if it gets close to me”. Once they enter the ocean, even this BXTCH was thinking “fuck that!”, that motherfucker looked too much like Jaws. . .I mean, they couldn’t swim with Flipper? When Kristina looked down, her meter went off and she got the hell out of dodge. Now, I’m sure she wasn’t playing any games, but her tactic worked, because Nick followed her out and offered comfort, while Corinne was not enjoying sitting on the other side and watching the damsel in distress play out. Where I think this is interesting is the fact that Corinne hasn’t really allowed her sexuality to come out and play during this date, you know, the quality that comes so natural to her. Wanna know why? Because the BXTCH is not litty lit and even when they head into the evening, she is still pretty subdued. Kristina gets her time first and once again, the words start to go towards Danielle L., maybe it’s because he feels as if he needs to explain himself, but I would rather talk about my relationship with him, not why he ended a relationship with someone else, but he did shed some tears, which seemed to hit Kristina right where he intended, because the making out commences shortly after. Back in the waiting room are Corinne and Raven and I’ve gotta say that Corinne is popping back cheese cubes as if it’s popcorn and I’m a bit worried about her future bowel movements. Raven played the smarter game, because she goes in knowing she will not fight for Nick’s attention, that’s brilliant, Hoxie. The exchange between Nick and Raven is what I’ve been wanting to hear. They talk about her family and who Nick will be meeting and how her dad has beat lung cancer, not one mention of Danielle L. When Corinne’s number is called, she uses her time to voice some concerns, mainly how she is worried because she has yet to be given the coveted one-on-one date. . .Nick gives her the reassurances she is looking for and since she isn’t sloppy drunk, there was no straddling Nick or rubbing her parts with his parts, just some clean, even though we did get a glimpse of the tongue, making out. I think she really thought Nick was about to hand over the prickly little bastard to her, but Raven received it instead, which means that Nick is guaranteed to make his way to Hoxie, Arkansas. Because she is the one handed the rose, she gets to spend some time with Nick dancing on the beach. Pretty romantic Nick, well done.
Meanwhile back at the villa. . .Corinne and Kristina spend some time discussing Danielle’s date with Nick and Corinne is beginning to really freak the fuck out. I was waiting for her to pull an Abby Lee Miller and pull out the pyramid, ranking those who are left.
One-On-One Date (#2):“Danielle-Let’s ride off into the sunset together.” Okay, you’re veering back on course, this one is a bit more romantic. When Danielle got the card, she was as giddy as a toddler on Christmas morning. It was giggly, it was head thrown back in excitement and remember that, because we’re gonna discuss it later. When she first arrives to meet Nick, the greeting is enthusiastic from both parties, they jump on some bikes and take off. In between the bike travels, they make some stops and enjoy the local life, it all very much resembled a couple on a tropical vacation. Even in her confessionals, Danielle is gushing over Nick and her feelings for him, the doubt begins to creep in (for Nick) when they sit down to chat. I’m not sure what has happened in their relationship from their first one-on-one and any group dates to now, but you can hear the crickets a chirping. On a side note, they are enjoying some beer from some really funky wicker cozies, can someone please hook a BXTCH up? When the topic of hometowns come up, Nick asks Danielle if they would go back to Wisconsin, to which she responds with a “mm-hmm”, she does go into more detail when she tells him that she would actually take him to her cabin. Romantic enough, I suppose, but the purpose of the hometown dates is to meet ones family and that conversation never happened. In fact, the empty filled up quick, so awkward, that to fill the space, Nick pointed out the seashell island. He said it best when he said “Right now Danielle and I seem to be struggling to have a more natural conversation.” During Nick’s time with the camera, he did say that it’s time to ask the more difficult questions, unfortunately he has yet to take the date in that direction. When the date moves into the dusk, the back and forth starts off well, Nick tells Danielle all the things he really likes about her, she then opens up the gate and tells Nick how open her heart is for him and how she is ready to take on the world with him, she also divulges that she has never felt this way with anyone else and that’s when I gotta hit the brakes. This is the second person (at least) who has confessed to feeling things with Nick that they have never felt with anyone else and this BXTCH calls bullshit. The only thing at this point that they feel with Nick and that has lacked in any previous relationships, is a bit of celebrity. Including this date, Danielle has had a total of (2) one-on-one dates and (3) group dates with Nick, and those dates didn’t even make it out of the batters box. Not that I know this woman’s personal dating history, but I’m quite sure she has had previous relationships where she has found herself minus a few articles of clothing. And I’m not trying to say that it’s all about the sexy times, but when you don’t even know how well this man visits the state of your Virginia, then I think it would be hard to move him to the front of the line. I just wish they would stop saying what it is they think Nick wants to hear and just be more true to who they are. Geesh, there are some pages that Chad wrote that may be worth the read. Anyhow, back to the date, she basically tells him the equivalent of “I’m falling. . .”, she then asks him how he feels and that bastard looks like he just got caught saying the wrong name, it’s then that he decides that he must not be feeling the same for Danielle, because he chooses that time to tell her goodbye. Even the cynic in me felt super bad for the girl. She was my final pick and with her out, my bracket has blown up worse than my March Madness bullshit. To say that she was blindsided would be an understatement, she wouldn’t have seen this coming if Nick would’ve displayed it on a billboard. BXTCH side commentary: As sad as I was to see her go, the one conclusion I came to was this: there is no room in his quad for someone like Danielle and someone like Corinne. Those two are about as opposite as Marilyn Manson and John Denver. I think Danielle was more introverted around Nick than she is in her normal everyday personality, which could’ve ultimately been her downfall. But I will add this, if she could’ve just shown a fraction of the emotion she showed when receiving her date cards or even having to tell the others goodbye, he may have seen something in her that he could’ve attached to. I understand being shy and reserved, but this process doesn’t really allow a lot of time for that, you have to bring it and bring it well on a very condensed calendar. But sometimes it really isn’t meant to be. She is then tasked with the humilatation of having to head back to the villa to pack her bags and say goodbye to the remaining ladies.
Here is the moment we have been waiting for all season. For the entire episode, Corinne has been having mini mental breakdowns when it comes to where she thinks she stands with Nick. Danielle has now been sent home and that kinda sent a shock to everyone. Corinne uses this opportunity to shoot down some wine (because for her, nothing sexy is done without inebriating herself), dress in a sexy get-up and round out the look with heels that are so high, she is doing her best to remain upright. She scratches out the #whitegirlweave, reminds America that her vagine is platinum and street walks her way to the Hilton. I would like to say that Nick was shocked when she knocks on his door, I won’t because that would be a lie. But, he does let her in and in an effort to cut right to the chase, she gets him into the bedroom, where I think a “massage” is being offered up, we do know some making out is happening, but when she makes an attempt to show him just how platinum the pussy is, he does turn her down. On a side note: There is always a dinner, that turns out to be a non-dinner, when a date is taking place. When asked how come the contestants never eat, the standard answer given is “no one wants to hear the chewing”, well ABC, I’m gonna use this time to clue you in. . .no one wants to listen to two people attempting to suck the tongues out of each other, either. After getting shut down, Corinne is clearly embarrassed and is forced to put the ‘shame’ in walk of shame, all the way back to the villa.
One-On-One Date (#3):“Rachel, Let’s get a taste of a local flavor.” That’s another good one guys. Once again, Nick and Rachel decide to hit up the local scene, which seems to really bring out the most natural personalities in both of them. They find a bar, order a beer, and really strike up a good, personal conversation. The talk moves to something that I think the majority of America is wondering. . .how is Rachel’s family gonna handle it when she walks through their front door with a white man on her arm? Now, obviously there was the possibility of this happening when she set out on the adventure, but the possibility and the reality are two different things. Here’s what we have learned. . .Rachel has dated white guys, but has never brought one home, however, her family includes a bit of every flavor, so he shouldn’t walk into the Lindsey home, worrying about the color of his skin, or hers, for that matter. For the safety of Nick, he should address her dad as ‘sir’, her family supports her 100% and she is a daddy’s girl. All in all, it was another great date, but one that ended during the daylight hours. The nighttime has been booked for the Rose Ceremony.
What is supposed to be Nick gearing up for this all important ceremony, when Chris and Nick sit down, Nick already knows who it is he will, for lack of a better term, be breaking up with. Now, Raven is safe, since she was given the group date rose and one could only assume the same for Vanessa and Rachel. Even though there was no date rose to be given during their time with Nick, but him sending Danielle home on her one-on-one, bodes well for those two, since they weren’t give the boot during their date. That leaves Corinne and Kristina. Instead of waiting for a ceremony and kicking someone in the gut in front of four other girls, Nick decides to head over to the villa and cut the strings now, instead of later. Even though it’s Corinne who is freaking out when he walks through that front door, it’s Kristina who he seeks out. And to spare you the horrible deets, it was sad, it was tearful (on both sides), and dare I say, it was maybe a mistake. Who knows, that means. . .Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, and Corinne will all have the opportunity to bring Nick back to where they call home and introduce Nick to the ones who know these ladies best. That is of course, if Nick decides to keep four women to take into the hometown week. We’ll just have to wait and see.
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“I’m getting frustrated and I’m really bloated. . .Uhhhh!” -Corinne
“I do believe. . .that there is a greater love for me, than what I’ve had.” -Nick
“You’re just so great and. . .” -Nick
“Not great enough” -Danielle
“I would live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick, I would. That’s how much I care about Nick and want to be with Nick. Who am I?” -Corinne
Corinne, 24, business owner
Rachel, 31, attorney
Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner
Vanessa, 29, special education teacher
Danielle M.,31, neonatal nurse
Kristina, 24, dental hygienist
I guess we gotta discuss the big giant Bachelorette sign in the room. By now, the world knows that Rachel is the new #bachelorette and I am someone who is ecstatic over this news. But, I gotta know ABC, why release this bomb now, while she is still on the show? I understand the eagerness, but I don’t read Reality Steve for a reason, if I wanted to be spoiled, I could skip a lot of hours and just use Google. Willpower is a real thing, let’s get some.
I realize that there is a collective portion of America that is ready to pull out their hair after Nick sent Kristina and Danielle home, while keeping Corinne around. And the truth? I do believe the reason is rooted in sex, but I also think that it has something to do with Nick attempting to reclaim something. I’m not sure if that something is entrenched somewhere back in his twenties or if it has something to do with a young man who has never really got the girl, the hot girl to be more exact. Regardless of how many rodeos Nick has barebacked the bull, this is the first one that he actually gets to choose what bull he rides and I think he knows Corinne isn’t going to be the one, but somewhere deep down, he’s wanting to see what could become. Sex is a very important component to any successful relationship, but it’s not the only component and I think that is where the trouble with Corinne lies. She skipped right over the ‘let me feel you up’ stage or the ‘let me dry hump you’ stage, because where most people in the infancy of their relationships are happy to be attempting the slide into second, Corinne went straight to stealing home (baseball fever is in the air tonight). I think it has more to do with youth than anything. At only 24, she can’t have the experience one would need to be the other half of a grown up relationship. But hang tight BXTCHES, I don’t foresee her being around much longer.
To any current or future bachelor/ette that decides to try their hand at reality love. It’s not that I’m that much of a skeptic when it comes to this process. . .while I haven’t bought into the premise 100%, I can see the potential. But let me impart this wisdom on you. Love will never work, whether you find it on T.V. or at church, if you are always carrying around past relationship pain. Being told goodbye or even having to tell someone you love goodbye, isn’t an easy conversation, but the only thing you should carry with you is the lesson, not the heartache. There is always something to learn when you get broken in two, but if you always tug along that pain and place it at the feet of any future relationships, you will always be alone, because that baggage will weigh you down and always allow you an out. It’s easy to fall in love, but to stay in love and to continue to be passionate even when it seems like it’s the hardest thing to grasp, takes work. Love is not perfection, love is messy, love is loud, but the payoff is grand. . .because to know that the one laying next to you night after night and year after year, is the one that will always be connected to your heart, makes all of the pain, and the process, and the heartache, minor in comparison. That is why it’s always worth it. That is why you should never settle for less than what it is that you deserve. That is why the road paved with the assholes or the bitches or the cheaters or the liars. . .was always necessary.
So, to Kristina and Danielle, while watching this episode may bring some tears, you should move forward knowing it wasn’t supposed to happen. Wishing that Nick would walk back through the door and declare that he has made a mistake is the last thing you should want, because even Nick thinking of cutting you loose, makes him not worthy of your love, of your time, of your heart, or of your family. Just take this as the step it is intended to be.
For all you #nickhaters out there, I’m wondering if you are starting to turn a bit. After tonight, it seems that he may just be serious about this. The man could’ve easily discovered just how deep Corinne went, but said no and he did shed a lot of sad tears tonight when having to end what he thought were solid relationships. So, either that fucker deserves an Emmy or he is really looking to find his one and only. #teamnick
Once again, we were forced to deal with what is now becoming a #horriblewhitegirlweave. So for all you future bachelorettes out there, y’all are gonna have to figure out how to get a hold of and handle the hair. I understand the need for luxurious locks, but for the love Daisy Fuentes, at least get her headband weave, that way fingers won’t get stuck when intimate moments are happening, you can whip it out of your hair quickly and brush that shit out before your date, it just seems to be a better all around fit for the type of show that The Bachelor happens to be.
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.
