BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First things first, after getting us addicted all season, it’s like ABC is trying to pull us off of the good stuff because for the second week in a row, we are only given a one hour episode. Now, we do get two whole hours of some really Jerry Springeresque type of shit (where is Steve Wilkos when you need him?), but the fantasy suites are one of the best parts of the season and ABC managed to fit in TWO overnight dates into one hour, is there something you people aren’t letting us in on? Maybe something with Nick? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Last Week On. . .Corinne got sent back to Raquel and we were left with Vanessa, Rachel, and Raven with the much anticipated fantasy suite dates about to go down. We were only able to get to Raven’s overnight and once she tells the entirety of America that she has never felt the toe curling joy of the sweet release, we no longer cared what was happening on their date, we were just invested in whether or not Nick was gonna force Raven to light one up when everything was said and done.
This Week On. . .We get to find out what Nick’s capabilities really are and then Rachel and Vanessa get their turn to show Nick the type of pussy he will be missing out on if he chooses someone other than them. We also get a Rose Ceremony, so someone will be going home (don’t act like you BXTCHES don’t already know who will be packing their bags).
Picking up the morning after Raven’s overnight, we can make the assumption that Nick had Raven screaming his name when she says “I will say this, Nick is really good at what he does. So, I’m pretty satisfied today.” So, on behalf of women the world over. . .thank you Nick for including Raven in the festivities and showing her how much fun it is to be the guest of honor. I think I’m still pretty traumatized over the fact that Hoxie has never had an orgasm, I’m assuming even one that was self-induced (girl you need to get on that skill ASAP), so my inquisitive mind needed to know more, so I went looking. Her ex is Hunter Henry and I’m guessing he ain’t too happy with the sweet girl from Arkansas. He’s a doctor, so he should certainly know how the female body works and responds, but in defense of his navigation around the clitoris and/or g-spot, he had this to say to US Weekly:
“Comments made by Raven about our relationship are skewed and untrue. However, I wish her all the best. Definitely not true about the whole orgasm thing. And she has told me she loved me multiple times, just for the record.”
If it were me and some woman claimed that I didn’t know how to wrap things up in the bedroom, I would be releasing my very own sex tape, the only way to come back from that shit is actual footage. On a side note to ABC: I’m happy as a fucking clam that Raven now knows what her pussy feels like when it reaches the pinnacle of happiness, but no BXTCH dances around Finland, high fiving the locals and kissing reindeer with some weird ass song playing in the background, regardless of how deep the dick went. It seems like some 16 year old kid who watched too many episodes of Glee is coming up with this shit. It would’ve been more realistic if y’all would’ve just shown Raven falling back asleep after Nick left, because he had just blown her back out and gave her more multiple orgasms when they had woken up. We would’ve stood up in our living rooms and gave Nick a fucking standing ovation for that shit. It’s like y’all don’t know us at all.
Rachel is up next and they kick off their date cross country skiing, which is a question I missed in my fantasy league, I went for the snowboarding. But it’s another greeting with the legs wrapped around the waist. I’ve decided to give that a go with my husband, I’m quite sure he will wind up throwing out his back and I’ll probably strain something obscure. . .like my platinum vagine, but I am dying to get in on this greeting game. They meet up with some reindeer, then move the party to a much warmer location. Conversation turns semi-serious and Rachel admits that she was somewhat skeptical about this process and really didn’t think she would be feeling all of these emotions. I imagine she was one of us, the girl sitting at home, watching the show and hearing a woman say “I love you” and shaking her head in disbelief. They talk it through and I think it helps her move towards feeling more comfortable in telling Nick how she really feels. I have to say that even I was a bit miffed when Finland was the location for the final rose, but after seeing it over the last two weeks, I am so in favor of vacationing there. If I’m this blown away with the images on the T.V., it has got to be much better in person. Back to our program. When they move into the nighttime and arrive at what looks like a cabin, conversation immediately turns to opening up and being vulnerable and what I can’t help but notice is that there seems to be some fishing going on. Rachel is so desperate to hear Nick tell her he loves her, but is having a difficult time uttering those words to him, that they start to play almost a word game. I should also note that Rachel actually says that she is “terrible with words”, the woman who has a career rooted in being good with words, is terrible with words, things that make you say hmmm. Now, I know what she meant, but pull em’ up. . .you’re 31 fucking years old. If you’re tired of games being played, then stop playing them. Say what you need to say, he’s either going to accept them or he’s not. It gets even stranger when Nick channels some inner Dr. Phil and he gets her to say that she is falling in love with him, then acts shocked that she actually said it. It was all very Oprah like, but it does lead to some kissing and Nick telling her that he is falling for her (he did leave out the word “love”), then extending the most important invite to a night of falling into each other, so it all worked out in the end. The next morning, Nick even whips up some eggs before taking the walk of shame, which brought a smile to my face because I correctly answered that question in my fantasy league, so score one for the BXTCH!
BXTCH side commentary: Am I the only BXTCH who gets baffled when it comes to all of this vulnerability and expressing my feelings shit? Here’s where I get confused, follow me for a bit, I’m gonna get there. If these women have been so damaged in past relationships, that their heart is almost irreparable, then why go on a show like The Bachelor? It seems to me that putting yourself out there for the world to see, with the possibility of heartbreak almost a sure thing, would only work you backwards from where you’re trying to go. Especially if you’re the one picked and you have to sit at home and watch back the love of your life giving affirmation to other women. This is why I liked Alexis. There didn’t seem to be a lot hanging in her closet. She was just out to have fun and love the dolphins. Believe it or not, love is really not that complicated.
Vanessa meets up with Nick and we quickly realize that someone over at ABC is smoking the good stuff because the warmth of clothes are shed, replaced with swim suites and for some crazy reason, Nick and Vanessa are going to jump in. . .to ice water. Sorry, but I don’t think I love anyone that much. It was supposed to some sort of metaphor to their relationship, whatever the fuck, the only metaphor I would believe is if seeing Vanessa caused Nick’s balls to shrink in on themselves, because what else could jumping in freezing cold water prove? And Nick was wearing what looked like the equivalent to volleyball spandex and that does take some balls, shriveled up or not. So, after some back and forth, from the water to the sauna, they settle in the hot tub (a question that I missed) and conversation gets serious pretty fast. They begin with the hometown date and what Nick calls traditional. He tells Vanessa that he isn’t, traditional that is. Vanessa makes it very clear that there are things she will not compromise on. She is not willing to give up her Sunday lunches with her family, which I thought was an interesting proclamation, because it seemed to me that during her visit home with Nick, that her family wasn’t going to let her go and with her Sunday traditions being something she isn’t willing to give up, tells me that she is expecting Nick to be transferring his citizenship to Canada. They move things by the fire when the nighttime falls and once again conversation turns serious. They actually talk about moving and Nick admits that it is difficult to imagine himself living in Canada, mainly because he is proud to be an American, but he never says that it’s non-negotiable, just that it would be difficult. Overall, the conversation was pretty honest and forthcoming, even though I find Vanessa somewhat fake, the talk did answer some questions that they both seemed to have. I was disappointed when she didn’t bring up how hurt and confused she was when her dad told her that Nick had asked three of the dads for their blessing. I also wish she would have opened herself up more and discussed how she was feeling when the realization hit her that there are other women still in the running for his last name. I think that was when we saw her at her most exposed. She does go onto tell Nick that she is in love with him. Nick certainly appreciates her expression of love, but is wondering if the fact that they are so similar is going to cause more conflict. However, it doesn’t stop him from offering himself up for the night, because the hotel is their next stop.
BXTCH side commentary: When we begin the final countdown, we get to hear each girl express her concerns and the only one I want to vent about is Vanessa’s. Maybe I’m in the minority. Maybe I’m still just a bit cynical when it comes to “the process”. Maybe Nick knew his way around her body and they did things that would make even this BXTCH blush. But to say that it is the best relationship you have ever had? Girl, I’m gonna have to call bullshit. You are 29 years old and the best relationship you have ever had is with a man who is in relationships with multiple women, that’s what we’re claiming? My issue is this. . .her backstory is pretty normal, besides having parents who are divorced, Vanessa seems to be living a pretty charmed life, so if this is the best, then I would tell Nick to run. . .fast. Because she is hiding something. Either there is some crazy she has yet to reveal or there is something within her family dynamic that has caused others to Usain Bolt out of there. She doesn’t seem fucked up enough for this to be the best relationship she has ever had. I get that you have done things with Nick that aren’t traditional as far as dating goes, but we gotta let some reality in. There is no Finland to escape to when times get tough. There is either Wisconsin and cheese or Canada and whatever the fuck there is to do in Canada. And I know I’m not gonna get too many “you got that right, BXTCH” with the following, BUT. . .I think Vanessa is creating the image of the wife that she thinks Nick wants. She has shown him her perfection, she has shown him her perfect job, she has introduced him to her perfect family, and she may have even offered him a perfect pussy. But that perfect tower she is living in, will definitely come tumbling down when reality hits and she has to watch Nick and his connection with the other women, especially the other two.
This one seems like it’s gonna hit Nick hard. We all know where it’s going, if he didn’t send Rachel home tonight, then what would be the point in watching next week. I will say that if we had not yet learned that Rachel was going to be the new Bachelorette, then I would’ve been shocked when Nick sent her home. I think Nick has a pretty solid connection with each of the ones remaining, but I always thought that him and Rachel were on a different level. Since the news broke, it’s been harder to connect it, but after watching them together tonight, it was hard to mistake it for anything other than love. He was heartbroken, she was heartbroken. . .it was all very angsty and dramatic.
This BXTCH ain’t got a damn thing. Without Corinne, I feel lost in this area. The best thing said was by Raven when she confirmed that Nick made her scream during their romp in the sack. Hopefully next week, we get a bit more inspiration.
I’m gonna try to keep this short and sweet, but it was two whole hours of women talking over one another, so no promises. I do think that there are a couple of things we definitely need to discuss, before we get to the drama. First up, the crashing of the Bachelor watching parties. All a BXTCH can say is. . .what the fuck? Apparently this is some sort of tradition, but can we at least acknowledge that the word “surprise” is used here very loosely. My Bachelor nights are centered around food and discussion about what we think is about to go down. These motherfuckers made science fair projects, complete with picture boards, some had balloons that spelled out N.I.C.K., some had framed pictures of the Bachelor. The Backstreet Boys got in on the action and there was even what appeared to be some strange pajama party going on, that included dancing. I think it was pretty obvious that the “fans” knew that a surprise was in store. . .give us a bit more credit ABC.
Next up is the ladies. Eighteen returned (if you count Rachel, that would nineteen) Now, I did remember most of them, however I think it’s interesting to see the ones that do show up for this. I’m sure it’s in a contract somewhere that if you make it to a certain point within the season, you must do the show, for the others, I can only assume that they are trying their hardest to hang on to any fifteen minutes they can get. Can we talk about the vampire in the room? Oh my Twilight Josephine, who approved that look? I’m about “sister power”, but someone, anyone could’ve pulled her aside and just got confirmation that she was going for a more “I stay inside 23 hours a day and the I would rather someone who’s gonna suck my blood and not so much my tit” look. I would also like to give a huge shout out to Corinne and whoever it is that fixed up that weave. It was lookin’ tight girl.
Now, I just wanna focus on the good stuff. Corinne got attacked straight from the word “action”. One would think that the problem would be her taking off her top on the very first group date OR her hope to pounce on Nick in a bounce house OR her showing up at his hotel room with every intention of fucking him-that’s just to name a few and those are pretty good scenarios to attack Corinne with. Do these BXTCHES go that route? No, no they don’t. They decide the best weapon to attack her with is her desire to take naps. Way to entertain ladies. I am curious if Josephine is hoping to suck Corinne’s dick later, because she was all up on her defense. She was within touching distance and any opportunity that came up to defend Corinne, Josephine made sure that she got her camera time, she may have glowed a bit, but she got her time.
Liz got her time first and she still failed to clear anything up. Her newest claim is the night of the wedding, after the one-night stand, the reason for her not reaching out to Nick or not offering up her digits once he requested, was because she had strong feelings for someone else and that someone else didn’t have the same feelings for her. I’m calling bullshit. First, this new story is a pretty good one and Nick gave her every chance to explain why now, why didn’t she jump on when the moment presented itself? If she would’ve offered Nick that commentary, things may have turned out much differently. She also alleges that she did reach out to Nick, which is another bullshit line. Nick asked her (almost point blank) why she didn’t reach out to him, he even went as far as to say that Jade has his number and not one time did she offer up an “I did, I was just unsuccessful”. Where I think the truth lies is. . .she has had several months to come up with a more justifiable story and since she had to tell her family she fucked some guy at her bestie’s wedding, it sounds better to tell the parents that you were hurting from a past relationship and that pain mixed with loads of liquor lead you to do something out of character, but you also were very interested in this guy and have tried to reach out to him, but since he’s gonna be the next Bachelor, you’re gonna go that route instead. Girl, there is no shame is losing yourself for one night and exercising your inner freak and kink, you need to own that shit and stop feeling contempt over something you clearly enjoyed. She also had some awakening of the soul because of the one night she got pounded into, but whatever the fuck. . .that was some real bullshit.
Haven’t we had enough of Corinne and Taylor? I’ll just give you the Cliffs Notes version. Taylor goes first, offers her perspective, Corinne disagrees. Taylor wants an apology, Corinne is not gonna give one. Corinne gets up and goes to grab some champagne (seriously though, that BXTCH needs to get her liver checked). Corinne’s biggest cry is that Taylor told her she wouldn’t be her friend and she was a bully. Corinne then gets her moment to shine. She doesn’t offer up many excuses to her behavior, although she is a bit regretful that she came off a bit more promiscuous. The fucking naps come up once again and Corinne is now offering up a panic attack as the reason for her crashing out. Once again, I call bullshit (I need a better word) because if that was the case, she would’ve said, especially when Nick confronted her about it. Being able to watch the episodes back and have some time to come with a reasonable explanation is more the story here. She also does talk about Raquel and even I can admit that she sells her story very well. It was all “I call Raquel my nanny, because it sounds better than calling her my housekeeper”, okay I could go with that if in the very first episode she wasn’t bragging about having a nanny. If she was really just a housekeeper, then why mention her at all. But, Corinne did need her cucumbers and when her mother came out, she requested to her mom to have Raquel bring out the cucumbers. I think someone was wanting to flaunt the size of their dick and once she realized how ridiculous it sounded when she bragged about having a nanny, backtracked. But fuck all of that, was I the only one pissed when Chris Harrison declined to bring up her little failed rendezvous to Nick’s hotel room? Who cares about Taylor, Corinne, and emotional intelligence. . .talk about the good shit. They didn’t even talk about the bounce house, they showed it, but no one brought it up. C’mon, Jerry Springer brings the goods, you need to crossover to that lane Chris Harrison. The only thing that the Corinne vs. Taylor match proved is if you are going to have a Bachelor in his late thirties, then stay away from ladies who are in their early twenties. Because even I can’t channel my inner Aaliyah in this case.
I’m gonna just glaze over Kristina. She got her time to talk about her experience, but the conversation quickly turned to her younger years and coming to America from Russia and she had all the girls in tears. I may be a real bitch for saying this but, I believe she has a wonderful story, I just wasn’t wiping snot over it. But I do wish her the best, she is certainly someone who deserves it and if Nick couldn’t see it, then he wasn’t worthy of her love. Hopefully we will see her soon on Paradise. Fingers crossed.
Nick then gets his say. We did learn that this was his very first Tell All, since he was in the final two on his previous seasons. He offers Kristina some sort of an explanation. It got weirdly serious when Danielle L. choked through her question. It was almost like she hadn’t yet spoken and needed people to remember she was still there. Not one tear fell, but from the sound of her voice she was about to break out the ugly cry if she thought it would garner some extra sympathy. I was a little embarrassed for her, but she will be someone we get to see on Paradise, so yay for us.
I know that the whole purpose was to put the heat on Nick, but the reality is that only one girl out of the thirty was gonna be chosen. So, if any of these women were going into this experiment hoping to not get their heart broken, then the math alone would tell you that you are going to probably wind up in tears. I mean 1+1 does equal 2.
We then get introduced to Rachel as the new Bachelorette, but that was no surprise and nothing juicy was exposed.
Well, until next week and the finale. Will it be Vanessa or will it be Raven? If I get my wish, I’m all in on #teamhoxie.
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.