Category Archives: The Bachelor 2017 | Episode Four Re-Cap | 01.23.17

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Well, I feel that since last week’s episode left us all with a very awkward taste in our mouth, ABC decided to tone it down a bit for tonight. And while it still packs a small punch, it was the most “normal” Bachelor episode thus far. I mean how normal can it get when 15 ladies are ready to sew up another’s vagina all in the name of love, right?

Last Week On. . .Speaking of vaginas and sewing. Last week Corinne was hoping that hers would somehow become attached to Nick’s mouth. . .all in a princess bounce house. . .and if that doesn’t take you back to your youth? Actually, I fucking hope it doesn’t, ain’t nobody got time to be fucking in a bounce house. Corinne’s latest sexcapade does not sit well with any of the girls and they are all ready to have a chit chat with Nick regarding it. Now, all of this is happening during the pool party that Nick decided to throw in lieu of a cocktail party. Once again, ABC left us with a massive case of blue balls by to be continuing the episode and denying us BXTCHES the Rose Ceremony. But, no worries. . .we are about to get to the situation we were denied.

This Week On. . .This week will give us (1) group date and (2) one-on-one dates and it’s also where we learn that those who are full of shit are usually the ones incapable of scooping it up.

When we left off, it was Vanessa needing some understanding from Nick, but we’ll get back to that. When the episode kicks off, the girls are gathered round and doing what these girls seem to do best. . .gossip. The target? Corinne. I understand the need for ABC to add some elements of drama within the episodes, I mean, what in the world would we talk about if it wasn’t the case? But ABC? I need to holla at ya. The visual of Corinne sleeping in a bed looks about as real as when I check in on my kids on Christmas Eve to ensure that they are in fact asleep. First, lose the snoring track that was added, it is atrocious and if it is in fact Corinne snoring, girl, get that checked out. Second, no bitch sleeps with a smile on her face the way Corinne was. Unless. . .she actually isn’t asleep and she is in fact finishing up where Nick left off. I mean, the comforter is up to her neck and at this point her “sleeping” habits would be a lot more believable if she was running off to polish the pearl. On a side note. . .ABC, I’m totally available if you guys are needing some help in making the reality of your show a bit more realistic. 

BXTCH side commentary: Look, I get it. I’m not rooting for a Mrs. Corinne Viall either and while I can see being a tad jealous over how she is using her pussy power, I’m not sure you ladies are going about it the right way. First, ganging up and running off to Nick may backfire. It may almost seem like Corinne is being bullied and that will only bring her and Nick closer together. Some of you are quite young, so I know that part of life isn’t figured out yet, but some of you are old enough to know better. Just let her be. I promise she will wind up shooting herself in the tit. Right now, it’s all about Nick being a 36 year old MAN and Corinne offering up some 24 year old tightness on a silver platter and while he may be looking for a wife, he is sure as shit not about to pass up the opportunity to have fun. He’s got 17 women willing to do a lot, he’s gonna take full advantage. At least you have a front row seat when lessons get learned. This next part is some free advice, from one BXTCH to another, so pay close attention. Corinne isn’t leaving much up to the imagination. She’s using Nick’s dick as the pole and her pussy as the dancer. Use the time you have alone with him and leave him wanting more. You kiss the guy in just the right way, and you’ll be the star in the spank bank reel, he has already seen her girls, leave him wondering what your’s looks like. 

So back to Vanessa. I think Nick was a bit confused about the conversation she was trying to have. While what she was saying was pretty cut and dry, I think he really only agreed with how she felt about seeing Corinne dry hump him. I don’t think he regretted the act itself. But, he did encourage her to keep his feet to the fire, while being patient about Corinne. Which if I was going to translate, I would say that what he was really saying was: “Look, ABC is making me keep her around. She is going to bring in ratings because BXTCHES all around are going to go ‘social media crazy’ on her ass. But in the meantime, I’m gonna have to enjoy her when she offers some things up, just call me out afterwards and I’ll apologize. I really like you though.”

The girls were given some time to change from swimwear to evening wear, but it must’ve only been about 30 minutes. For some, that was all that was needed, for others, a couple more hours would’ve been preferred. Now, last week I talked about how it seems that Corinne is drinking herself into her sexuality, well it seems that the day’s events either wore her out or she was hitting the bottle while under that blanket, because that BXTCH couldn’t even walk without using Jasmine for assistance. Safe from spinsterhood tonight are: Danielle L. (group date) and Vanessa (one-on-one date), but without further ado, here is who lives to hopefully see another rose: Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne. Time is up for: Christen and Brittany. Corinne did take some time to give a drunk speech in the end. That alone was worth Nick keeping her around.

With that Rose Ceremony, the herd has been dwindled down to 15 and it’s time to hit the road. Stop #1 is Milwaukee, which is Nick’s hometown and where we get to meet his parents. On a side note: Nick’s parents are pretty fucking good looking and I don’t like to say “especially”, but in this case. . .they have eleven kids and even though I come from a big fucking family, we all didn’t come out of the same vagina. Man, I need to get my shit together. Back to the show. Nick shows up to have a chat with mom and dad and in the end, tears were shed and wisdom was bestowed. 

One-on-One Date: When Nick meets up with the girls, he immediately goes from giving out hugs straight to his one-on-one date and that lucky girl is Danielle L. I gotta say, I really love how he went about this date. There was no date card, no clue, no time to fret and freak out. It was just a guy asking out a girl, albeit in front of 14 others who happen to be after the same guy, but it seemed to be as normal a date as one could get on this show. He’s in his element, he’s able to walk around town and share some memories with Danielle. They first hit up a bakery and decorate some cookies, that I hoped tasted phenomenal, because if they were going to eat with their eyes first, they probably would’ve starved. Things get really interesting when Nick runs into an ex-girlfriend. The meeting between the two ladies started a bit stiff, but things loosen up once the conversation begins to flow. They take a rainy day stroll in a park, where we learn about some of the “firsts” Nick has had, including “the first one”, which I guess spurs Danielle into the story about her first, so fun conversations had by all on this date. As we move into the nighttime side, conversation is moving really well, almost like there are no cameras watching. Nick is complimenting her with how well put together she is and when he asks her if she has any obvious flaws, it becomes quite clear once again that we are watching a reality love show, because Danielle goes straight into her relationship flaws (which I didn’t really think fell under the blanket of “obvious”, but maybe I don’t really know what that word means after all). She begins to unload the “my parents are divorced” story, which happened when she was a small child of just 17 years old and even after 10 years she may or may not be struggling with the after effects. I think she was trying to use that as her crutch in being relationship deficient, it all seems to go downhill (for me) when she describes what seemed to be a loving marriage between two people that happened to end in divorce. With the exception of the pity story that Danielle lays on Nick’s lap, the conversation went really well. Oh, and of course she gets the rose. For those keeping score, that’s the second week in a row that Danielle has gotten herself a date rose. They end the night by walking into a concert performance by Chris Lane, it was all celebratory while being awkward at the very same time. They are literally in the spotlight dancing and kissing, while being somewhat serenaded to, with just a couple thousand fans to cheer them on, you know, normal first date stuff.  

Meanwhile at the mansion: The ladies are on edge waiting for the next date card, which will reveal who all will be participating in the group date. With only 15 girls left and (1) one-on-one already in the books, 13 of the contestants will be chosen for this date, leaving the lone remaining girl the fortunate recipient of the last one-on-one date of the episode. 

Group Date: Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M., and Corinne. By process of elimination, that leaves Raven the one called up for the second one-on-one. The only clue given for this group date is “Say Cheese”. Someone at ABC is earning that paycheck, not only for the clue given, but when they suggested that the group date take place at a dairy farm while not really giving guidance to what the ladies should wear. Because trust, those BXTCHES looked like they’re about to have a girls night out while catching the new Fifty Shades movie, certainly not like they’re about to go squeeze on some teats and shovel shit. First chore up for the girls. . .feed the cows. Josephine in the white pants was successful in sticking her hand out and having the cow eat some hay from it. Of course, she celebrates as if she just saved the cow in question from malnourishment. The fascination showered upon Nick while he attempted to milk a cow was like watching a child experience their very first rainbow, it took Jaimi stepping in and showing them all how it’s done. She did inform the group that she has had dreams about milking cows. I’m not sure what it is she eats before drifting off, but she should probably cut it from her diet, because she is not dreaming about the right things. Next up is shit scooping, yes you read that right, they are about to scoop cow excrement. . .for fun. . .on a date. I’m all for adventure, but what the fuck? Who in their right mind wants to scoop feces. I barely want to change a shitty diaper (my kids or otherwise), I am certainly not game for putting a shovel in my hands and transporting the stuff. It wasn’t hard either, it was muddy. I will say though, it was entertaining watching these prim and proper women dive right into a shitty situation, all in the name of the rose. It was worth the price of being disgusted to know Corinne wasn’t going to be able to sex her way out of this, because shoveling shit says a lot of things, but it doesn’t scream let me drop to my knees and blow your mind. Corinne removed herself from the situation almost immediately, claiming that her fingers are about to freeze off, all the while, Vanessa is earning her keep, strutting in jeans and a tank top. So, I’m thinking that Corinne was really needing Raquel there to get her out of the shit situation she found herself in. These puns are just too easy.

Meanwhile at the mansion: The only two ladies taking up space are Danielle L. (fresh from her one-on-one) and Raven, awaiting her clue. “Raven, let’s kick it” is the only one given and I think that the card could’ve said “Raven, let’s shovel some shit” and she would’ve been just as happy. 

The nighttime/cocktail hour begins and it looks like all remains from the dairy farm have been washed away. Up first with Nick is Kristina. All we know at this point about the dental hygienist from Kentucky is that she was born in Russia and was adopted young. She wastes no time trying to dive into whatever sad story her past tells. Unfortunately, I think Nick just wants to spend the time more casual than serious and puts off any tear jerkers for another time. I think that the group date one-on-one time is starting to turn into how much sympathy can I get from my conversation that he is compelled to give me the rose. Now, while the girls all sit, sipping wine and waiting for their turn, the gossip quickly shifts to Corinne. Unbeknownst to everyone, Corinne is right around the corner listening. Now, I am not Corinne’s ace boom, but no girl likes to overhear negative things being said about her. My compassion quickly fades when Corinne is in a confessional complaining about the things the other’s are saying about her and grabs her tits squeezing them together, bouncing them up and down, while saying “Do you call this immature?” Yes, yes I do. I don’t think she knows what the word “immature” means. Because this whole scene unfolds after she tells the camera that she “is smarter than she looks”, I don’t think she knows what that means either. BXTCH side commentary (real quick): I’m not sure what or why everyone is concerned with whether or not Corinne is wife material for Nick, because unless ABC is going to shock us all with some sort of Sister Wives show, then what does it matter? Only one of you is going to be lucky enough to hear the Wedding March played while you walk towards your one and only. So, that means 14 of you will not be compatible enough to be Mrs. Viall. The one time I’ll agree with Corinne. . .”You do you, because I’ma do me”.  When Vanessa gets her time with Nick, she pulls out a book that her co-workers/students AKA Vanessa made for Nick. It’s filled with pictures and a heartfelt note written to Nick that even though I’m sure Vanessa has already read (since I’m positive she wrote it) has her in tears. The appreciation for the gift was shown via Nick’s tongue in Vanessa’s mouth. Corinne does what any 24 year old would do when dealing with a group of bitches, she sucks back the wine and confronts that shit head on. It turns into a Sarah vs. Corinne showdown when Sarah asks Corinne if she really thinks she is ready to marry a 36 year old man. This forces an apology from Corinne for taking a nap, but in Corinne’s eyes, she doesn’t understand what the fuss is about because “Michael Jordan took naps” and “Abraham Lincoln took naps”. So if it was clarification you were after, you’re welcome. She is however ready to marry Nick. The bounce house incident can be blamed on a very stressful week and her deciding to sit out on the shit show was because she lost circulation in her fingers, she “almost had to go the hospital for it”. When Kristina confronts Corinne about everything, the apology for missing the Rose Ceremony turns into Corinne missing it because she had a panic attack. Now, my memory isn’t always on point, but I do recall that the blond minx was cozy under the covers (probably hitting replay on that pleasurable bundle of nerves), while the rest of the bunch was stressing about whether or not they were going to go with white or off-white for the wedding gown. The real deal is Corinne really isn’t stupid, she is playing this up and really did what any 24 year old would do when put in this situation. . .she uses it to her advantage when she sits down with Nick. Of course, she plays it to her side, confessing that the girls were talking about her but she addressed it like an mature adult (you know, shaking her tits to the camera) and all is good in Corinne’s hood. She did feel like her time with Nick was more like “an adult convo” and it was the first convo they had without ending it with a kiss. All of Corinne’s antics did not work in the end because Kristina got her rose.

One-on-One: Raven was the chosen one and the date kicks off at Nick’s little sister’s (Bella) soccer game. After warming up and practicing with the team, they take their seats on the sidelines and enjoy The Beautiful Game. Nerves get kicked up a notch when Nick introduces Raven to his parents, but the conversation flows pretty smoothly and I think the Mr. and Mrs. are somewhat at ease with their son’s choice for the day. The date takes an interesting turn when Bella extends an invite to Nick and Raven to Skateland. I mean, who in their mind would pass that up?

Meanwhile at the mansion: It seems like two things are happening at once. First is Corinne chatting it up with Danielle L., Josephine, and Jasmine regarding the previous nights events, even though Jasmine and Josephine were front and center for the confrontation. Second is a very strange bath. This involves Danielle M. and Taylor sitting and discussing the Corinne issue. However, it involves a bathtub (with water), Danielle M. fully clothed sitting on the edge and Taylor in a bikini, also sitting on the edge. Did no one think to tell the ladies that Taylor should put on some clothes and the bathtub conference call could be moved some place where questions would not be raised?

Back at Skateland. Nick is the hit of the rink. Imagine a soccer team full of pre-teen girls (I think) being led around on roller skates by the Bachelor. Raven gets to have a pretty good conversation with Bella and I think in the end, Bella definitely gives Nick the thumbs up on the girl from Hoxie. Move over Danielle L., this was a date that I could really get behind. . .it was just real. I think that if Raven is the last one standing in the end, this date is the one that helped push her there. Even Nick said that it was one of the best dates he has been on, ever. They end the date at the Milwaukee Art Museum and the ease from the soccer game to the rollerskating flows right into dinner (but not dinner). Even when Raven goes into great detail regarding how she caught her ex cheating, and I do mean that BXTCH gave the deets, down to knowing what the other woman’s vagina looked like and the beating she put on the cheater. As strange as story time was, the comfort of them being with one another was apparent. She gets the rose, they strap the skates back on and enjoy some trips around the museum and some fun together. I was never lucky enough to master the couple skate-not that I was ever asked, but those tears are for another time-these two had that skill down smooth, while being able to get in some lip service. Talent.

Or what it should be called. . .WWE presents Taylor vs. Corinne, because that bottle has been shaken and shaken, it was just a matter of time before someone unscrewed the lid. The girls arrive at a barn and Danielle L. quickly jumps in and whisks Nick away. I actually thought she was going to drop some news with how urgent she made the situation, but no, it was just her wanting some alone time, while selling her “wifeability”. This eagerness pissed off some ladies and just added more fuel to an already raging jealous inferno. Instead of Taylor actually interrupting, she stands behind Danielle, like a creeper, listening to their conversation. But in the end, she finds herself by the fire and under a blanket making out with Nick, so I guess her creeping worked. In the meantime, Corinne and Josephine have found food and while the gossip is coming out, the food is being shoveled in. I’m not sure what Corinne was hoping to get out of her verbal smackdown with Taylor, but Mrs. Dr. Phil whipped out that masters degree and should’ve started to charge by the hour. The only thing that could have given this performance an Emmy was if Raquel herself would’ve shown up to translate, because the terminology alone caused a look of bewilderment to cross Corinne’s face. The only thing she could figure out was Taylor treating her like an idiot and to never use the “emotional intelligence” line on her again, because I’m pretty sure Corinne thinks that it is a made up saying. When Corinne feels that Taylor is continually calling her an idiot, she compares Taylor to the shit that she scooped into her shovel. . .using the adjectives “rude”, “fake”, and “nasty”. Now, I can agree on the nasty part, shit ain’t really appetizing. But “rude” and “fake”? I think Corinne should look up the word “idiot”, because I’m starting to see Taylor’s POV. I also don’t recall Corinne actually scooping up any poo, so it would’ve been more of an insult for her to say “Taylor is like the shit I scooped up into my shovel. . .nothing. Because I don’t scoop shit, I sit back and eat my cheese noodles and lemon salad and let the shit scoop the shit”. You gotta use insults that can cover the grammar spectrum. Corinne ends her confessional with “I’m pissed. I can’t even. I literally can’t even”, she “runs” a multi-million dollar company ladies. The two children are putting on a Jerry Springer esque type of show, it has begun to draw the attention of the rest of the ladies and then ABC does what it does best, leaves us to have our own fantasies of what could be, with the blanket up around our neck, searching for anything to finish the job. I’m just kidding, I don’t double click the mouse to The Bachelor, I’m a bit more twisted than that and I require a little more kink. But we are “To Be Continued. . .”

 

“I’m not privileged in any way, shape, or form.” -Corinne

“Well, I think I speak for mom, I’m pretty sure. We don’t want to see you on this show again.” -Christopher (Nick’s dad)

“I don’t know how to do chores, let alone farm chores. What the fuck is a farm chore?”-Corinne

“I’m very misunderstood right now. I’m a good person. I’m not just saying that. I’m a corn husk. You gotta peel the layers back. And then in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn with all these little pellets of information. And it’s juicy. Buttery. You want to get to that corn.” -Corinne (told you that BXTCH is drunk most of the time)

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Every season, we seem to meet one or several contestants who have an “I’m scared because of my parents” story. And I understand that to an extent, but if you are really that closed off from exploring a relationship or that spooked by commitment, then I must ask you “For the love of Tammy Wynette are you choosing to come on tv to find your ever after?” If commitment sends you into a panic, then why seek the love of a man who is also in a relationship with multiple women? If I was that much of a commitment-phobe, then watching anyone become intimate on any level with MY MAN, would send me straight into crazy. I hate to quote Corinne here but, “you do you”. Stop carrying baggage that’s full of someone else’s crap.

This episode was right out of a high school mean girls handbook. I’m no fan of Corinne (if you have yet to realize that) and I really don’t think she’s gonna make it much further, but where I’m left with a little bit of an eye squint is when the other girls focus so much on her readiness for a life-long commitment to Nick. In my skewed opinion, let her continue on her sexual discovery, because eventually Nick will have to watch this entire season and the level of Regina George that some of the girls are bringing will be revealed and I’m not sure if I would want to be the one sitting next to him on the couch when some of that truth comes out. And in the end, if Nick were to chose Corinne, I think his ass would be handed to him by not only his mother, but his teeny tiny sister as well. And if you think it’s Corinne that you’ll miss, you know that her bouncy house ass will be back on this season of Bachelor in Paradise, now if we can just get Chad to agree on a re-visit, because that is something I would definitely be tuning in for.

I feel like I’m getting to know you ladies quite well and it’s only because of that, that I’m comfortable enough to say the following. Y’all need to get your hair extensions in check. It’s starting to look a bit nestish on your heads (ahem. . .I’m talking to you Corinne). I’m all for getting the luxurious locks however you can, but fuck me with a hairbrush. . .use one. Just because you pull all of your hair forward and let it flow down your bosom, doesn’t mean that the camera isn’t getting a crotch shot of the back. Fix that shit!

Between you and me, I think I really fucked up my final four pick. Man, this is like picking your March Madness bracket. I have Danielle M., Danielle L., Rachel, and Vanessa all down for the hometown visits with Danielle M. saying “yes” in the end. . .but, I think Raven is going to be a sleeper pick. After his date tonight, they seem to go together like cheese and pasta and I think she adds the right amount of fun for Nick. She is still on the young side of the bunch at just 25, but I believe he made a real connection with her. I guess only time will tell, but she is the one pulling out away from the pack right now. I also know (I don’t know know, I just think) that Alexis won’t make it too much further, but I would love to see them go on at least one date, before he denies her a rose. I’m kinda thinking or hoping that maybe they’ll remain friends in the end. In further tabloid news. . .it is rumored that during one of the fantasy suite dates, Nick went a little too deep with the dick and his little swimmers actually stuck, but the one that could be with his child is not the one picked to be with Nick. I have no idea if this is true or not, but it sure makes for a very interesting season. . .stay tuned BXTCHES!

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.