Category Archives: The Bachelor 2017 | Episode Three Re-Cap | 01.16.17

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, it’s Tuesday night as I watch this episode (I was out of town when it aired on Monday, my apologies) and as I begin my re-watch, I must admit to how hard some of the scenes are for me to watch. I don’t get uncomfortable about sex, I am the furthest thing away from being a prude. . .I’ll talk about sucking dick in a quick minute, I’m very open. My issue is this. . .I’m embarrassed for some of these girls-mainly it’s just Corinne, but more about that hot mess later. I had no idea that ABC aired a “getting to know Nick” episode the night prior to the premiere, I know, I know, what kind of fan am I? I did catch it tonight after I watched episode three. So, I may sprinkle a few details into this re-cap from that episode, I just didn’t want you BXTCHES confused on where the info came from. Let’s rehash last week real quick.

Last Week On. . .Well, those motherfuckers over at ABC decided it would be a great idea to leave us hanging with a big, fat “To Be Continued”, this is after Nick told Liz that she had her ride on his dick and since she wasn’t forthcoming with her digits, it’s time for others to experience the magic. He didn’t actually say those words, but he did send Liz home. This happened once Christen told Nick that Liz did spill the secret to her and Nick thought that the noble thing to do was to tell the ladies that he knew Liz prior to the show. And that’s how it ended. So, we got no Rose Ceremony (it’s probably not grammatically correct to capitalize, I just think it makes it a little more fancy). 

This Week On. . .This week will give us (2) group dates, (1) one-on-one date and it’s also where we learn that bounce houses aren’t just for kids. . .or are they?

Even though in last week’s episode, it was Nick saying that he was going to have to come clean and tell the ladies about his history with Liz, what I think he meant was, tell the five girls that you are on a date with and let nature take care of the rest, because trust. . .it wasn’t Nick who spills the beans. It’s during “gossip hour” that we find out that Christen did get the group date rose, which last week’s episode did not show. The general consensus among the ladies is. . .“I’m just shocked” followed by a “totally”. So, cocktail hour is about to begin and upon Nick’s arrival he decides that transparency is best and he lays it out there, with leaving the door open for questions. Two things happened during this cocktail party. #1: the reaction to Nick’s night with Liz and #2: Corinne. 

Corinne is close to even having me be at a loss for words. She’s a bit miffed that Liz did get deep dicked before she has had a chance to see the goods, but she has a plan to make up for that. It involves. . .a trench coat, bra/panties, whipped cream, and Nick. I don’t know if she sent Nick a memo to be waiting out front for her, but lo and behold that is where she just so happens to find him, with no other girl around. Shout out to ABC for putting the “real” in realistic. As they gather on a large cushion or maybe a dog bed (?), she begins to show her “sexual side” by squirting whipped cream into Nick’s mouth, then scooping some of it out with her tongue, if that doesn’t make your panties wet, well just wait. I totally forgot to say that she brags in her confessional about how she is just a sexual creature, but then stands in front of a full length mirror and practices the opening of her trench coat. I’m gonna use this time to tell dear Corinne, that truly sexual people, those that it just comes natural for, do not need to practice and even though the trench coat bit is played out. . .it’s more of a role play prop, if you were a purely sexual person, pajamas worn with fuzzy socks would’ve gotten the job done and done very well. There’s a lot happening with the Reddi Whip. It’s in her mouth, it’s on her boob, it’s all coming off with tongues. . .I bet your panties have just melted right off. The ladies know something is up and tears are being shed over this dessert Corinne is trying to serve on her tit platter and I do think that Nick is a tad uncomfortable (he still sucks it off of her, he’s not a crazy man) and he tries to delicately slow down the porn movie that Corinne is trying to make happen, and in the process, her feelings get hurt. It gets even more strange when Jasmine interrupts and whisks Nick away. I don’t know what it was that Corinne was hoping to get from this moment. I suspect it was more than squirt cream on her nipple, since she finds herself in mascara running tears in the bathroom. Eventually she cries herself out and climbs into bed. I also think it could be an alcohol induced pass-out. Ironically, Reddi Whip has a commercial smack dab in the middle of the episode with the tag line of “Share the Joy” , but ABC decided to place some tape over the Reddi-Whip logo in an effort to disguise the brand, seems like a blown opportunity. . .all the way around.

BXTCH side commentary: She called the “whipped cream” moment, romance. Honey, I’ve been married for 18 years, a nice dinner along with a bath topped with rose petals is romantic. If I scoop whipped cream out of my husbands mouth with my tongue, then squirt whipped cream on my tit, so he can suck it off, chances are the cream will make it down to his dick. . .whipped cream on a dick does not scream romance. . .what it does say is “brace yourself, I’m about to go full Hoover on your cock.” Nothing wrong with romance or whipped cream. . .one just says “let’s make love tonight, while I stare into your eyes and express how much you mean to me” and the other says “I want to ride you like the I’m in the PBR and you bet your ass, I’ll be going for longer than eight seconds.” We all like a little dirty, just know the difference.

Just a re-cap on those who are safe. Corinne and Christen both received group date roses, while Danielle M. got the rose on her one-on-one. With Corinne being safe from elimination, she is catching up on some much needed sleep (bless her little hussie heart) and is sitting this Rose Ceremony out. So I can get to the rest of the episode, I’m gonna make it quick. . .those who will wake up with the dream still alive are. . .Alexis, Astrid, Brittany, Christen, Corinne, Danielle L., Danielle M., Dominique, Jaimi, Jasmine, Josephine, Kristina, Rachel, Raven, Sarah, Taylor, Vanessa, and Whitney. So, that means that the following ladies are never, ever going to find their true love, the one that they can squirt their cream on (every pun intended) and will apparently die in a room full of cats. . .Elizabeth, Hailey, and Lacey.

Group Date #1: Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne. The clue. . .“Everybody”. While confused at first, it didn’t take long to clear things up with the arrival of the Backstreet Boys and what I’m sure was millions of grown fucking women losing their minds. After a little of “I Want It That Way”, the girls scurry off to get ready. Here’s the gist of the date. The girls arrive at a studio for a bit of what Corinne calls “planned dancing”, but is really the girls learning some choreography. They get to put whatever skills that have to the test, dance some with BSB, and show it all off at a concert. The Boys will pick the lady who they believe has the best chemistry with Nick and the two of them will get a serenade. Once rehearsal begins, Jasmine and Danielle stand out pretty quickly. For someone to claim to be all things sexual, Corinne should be able to move a little better than she does on the dance floor. I wonder if they were to put Nick in a chair and asked her to give his lap a little tease, if she would be able to move then? Regardless, feeling way out of her comfort zone and tired of watching the others rub their asses on Nick, she runs off to the bathroom. After crying on the shoulder of Whitney about her trench coat show and the dancing, she believes she is going to embarrass herself in front of Nick and about 500 people. I guess no one had the heart to tell her that the sex tape she attempted to make with Nick is going to humiliate her in front of millions of people. . .we’ll just wait till later to break that news. But, in her one-on-one with the camera, she feels that Nick may send her home. I guess the whipped cream and the fact that she cannot dance is just too much for Nick to handle. Look, if Ben didn’t send Olivia packing after being mortified (us, not her) when she jumped out of a cake, I think Corinne is safe. Once the show starts, the ladies show off what they have learned and in the end, Danielle and Nick get serenaded with “I Want It That Way” and share some kisses in the process. I hope that ABC fully vetted Corinne, because the look on her face said she is planning to boil something. Maybe not a rabbit, but possibly a contouring kit or some hair extensions. Either way, those BXTCHES should probably start watching their backs.

Corinne snatches Nick up first during the cocktail party and she uses this time to apologize about the Rose Ceremony, I think Nick was more worried about what the other girls thought about her missing it more than anything. Her make-out session with Nick wore her out AGAIN, because she finds the closest couch and uses it for a power nap. Danielle uses her time with Nick confessing to him that he is someone she could see herself falling in love with. A bit early for me, but it works for our boy, because his tongue quickly seeks hers out and while they share a dance alone, his hands make it to her ass, with some squeezes, squeezed in. In the meantime, Sleeping Beauty awakes, expresses to the girls how she really wants a boob job (just a tiny one) and how much she misses Raquel. It was only a matter of time before the nanny conversation came up, but it’s during this convo that we learn Corinne doesn’t make her own bed, believes that she is a kid, and that she pronounces cucumber “coocumber”. Raquel also knows the perfect balance of oil, lemon, and garlic salt when making a lemon salad and she makes the best cheese pasta. Now, in fairness to Corinne, she has tried many times to make cheese pasta and she just can’t make cheese pasta like Raquel. What the fuck I think/hope she means is macaroni and cheese, but the BXTCH can’t even make her own bed, so cheese pasta it is. I guess Nick never has to worry about getting his dick sucked should he choose Corinne, Raquel will always there to get the job done. In the end, the chemistry and Danielle’s ass must’ve been on fire, because she is awarded the rose. Of course, what this really means is Nick is doing Corinne a favor by giving someone else the rose, because he doesn’t want to put a target on her back. Hello Corinne, have you met Delusion? I think y’all will make the best of friends. 

One-on-One Date: “You make me feel like I’m floating.” Vanessa is the lucky girl and the date is a weightless experience, which is pretty cool, if you don’t suffer from motion sickness. Making out while floating though, is pretty neat. However it doesn’t take long for some reality to set in and Vanessa to get sick. You had to swoon a bit over Nick, he held her while she was sick, he even kissed her after she threw up. I don’t know how she was able to function for the rest of the date because when I get motion sickness, I have to find a bed and I am out of commission for the rest of the day, so kudos to you, Vanessa.

Meanwhile at the mansion: Group Date #2 card arrives and Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique get to find out what Nick means when he says “I’m done playing the field”. They assume that it will be something athletic. This makes some of the girls squeal with glee, while the others think that they have met their doom. 

Nighttime arrives for Nick and Vanessa and they find themselves on the top of the tallest building in L.A., Vanessa expresses her gratitude to Nick for taking care of her, he says “you’re welcome” with a kiss. They talk some about Nick’s previous seasons and we also learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away several weeks before her leaving for the show, but she reluctantly came with the support of her family. Vanessa did not hold a lot back when she asked Nick “Why would you do this again? You know, you’ve gone through it how many times?”. I suppose he answered the question as honestly as one can, given that they are only on their first date. The chemistry is pretty strong with these two and the conversation was pretty emotional as well, because our loverboy shed some tears. It’s weird for me to see him the way he was with Vanessa. . .he was what you would imagine the way one should be when looking for love. . .on a reality show. That side of him is very hard to reconcile with the way I see him with Corinne. It’s almost like a totally different show is being filmed when him and Corinne are together. Almost Playboy “ish”. It’s not a complaint, I just wonder if the vulnerability he showed Vanessa, could ever be shown to Corinne or if she would even understand it?

Group Date #2 starts with the girls meeting Nick on a track. When they get to meet Carl Lewis, Allison Felix, and Michelle Carter they realize that a competition is about to be under way. Now, I’m a Olympic Whore, it is literally my favorite sports season, so even I was “ga-ga’ing” over this date. The ladies will compete is a series of events, which will lead to a winner, who will get to spend some time in a hot tub with Nick. I’m not sure who dressed Astrid, but her girls were all over the place, no support at all. They get to participate in the Limo Long Jump, Jump into Nick’s Arms, and the Javelin Throw. The top three move onto the final event that will determine the winner. Now, a toddler could jump further than Astrid did and she couldn’t clear the bar when she went to Jump into Nick’s Arms, she did put the javelin right in the heart and since some of the score is based on the chemistry with Nick, I’m wondering if the bouncing on her chest scored her some extra points, because she made it into the top three, along with Rachel and Alexis. Dominique seemed to hurt her shoulder when she threw the javelin and it’s gonna be all downhill from here for her. The final competition is a dash for the ring. Rachel leads the other two, with Miss Energetic Tits pulling up the rear, when Rachel knocks the ring right off the perch and Alexis running right past it, Astrid sweeps down to capture the diamond when Rachel steps on it, shattering it. That didn’t stop Astrid, because she picks up some piece of it and gets to the hot tub before the other two can catch up, ensuring her time with Nick.

By the time that the cocktail party arrives, Dominique is really in her head and going a bit crazy. This process must be more emotionally polarizing than I understand. Surely, some of these women are somewhat normal outside of this show, but put them in a house and have them compete for the affection of a man, and another side of their personality blooms and not always in a normal, understanding way. One minute they seem quite sweet and endearing and the next they’re questioning their own existence. What baffles me even more is the reassurance that the others give to those who are struggling. Rachel pulls Dominique into the restroom and tells her to just be herself, that she needs to just focus on her own relationship with Nick and not worry about everyone else’s. It’s good advice, but it’s advice from someone who is also vying for the same heart. Nick and Rachel seem to hit it off, they have some good chemistry building. . .and in the middle of them making out, we catch Dominique spying on them, which isn’t doing anything to calm the crazy brewing within. So when she gets her shot to talk with Nick, she let’s it out. She starts with complaining that Nick didn’t give her a chance during the date and even when he attempts to rebut what she is saying, she doesn’t let up. At this point, Nick makes the decision to send her home, but I think she made that decision for him. It’s too early to let the crazy out girl, you should’ve kept it cool, admonishing him this early on was risky. It was your first date with him, questions about his favorite food or favorite movie are more appropriate than telling him he needs to pay more attention to you. Lesson learned for the next time. Rachel gets the rose and there is one less girl to compete with.

In lieu of getting drunk at night, Nick decides getting sloshed by the pool and being able to see all the girls in their swimwear at the same time would make the decision making process easier. When Nick arrives, he quickly loses his shirt and Raven proceeds to slather him with sunscreen and when that process is over, Jasmine rains kisses all over him, it was actually quite awkward. In the meantime, Corinne is still getting herself ready and when she finally does make an appearance, it’s her surprising Nick with a princess bounce house. Where in the fuck did this bitch get a bounce house? They have no access to phones or computers, so. . .I don’t think ABC is playing fair or some lowly intern was really hoping to see Corinne accidentally come out of her top, because her jumping up and down had to make one of the ladies pop free. Nick does join her in bouncing (and all that that implies) and she joins him by straddling his waist and grinding her biz-ness all on him. The rest of the house goes to see what all the commotion is and that is when they discover the party happening out front. If it were me, I would’ve taken my big ass and climbed right into that house and bounced the shit out of it. Learning time ladies, you don’t have to be a bitch, to be a BXTCH. If enough of y’all would’ve climbed in to that castle, you could’ve played Dead Man and bounced Corinne right over the top of it. You’re gonna have to beat her at her own game. She’s not that bright, so it’s not gonna be that difficult. The problem is Nick’s dick. She’s owning it right now, but she doesn’t understand that you don’t have to grind on it to get its attention. With the whole house, sans Corinne, upset, they begin to voice their concerns to Nick. The biggest voice belonging to Vanessa. She gets right down to it when she tells Nick that she isn’t judging Corinne, she’s judging Nick and she wants to know if he is there to find a wife or there to find someone to fuck around with, because if it’s the latter, she would rather Nick keep his rose. All of this seems to be happening while Corinne is in her safe place. . .her bed. We don’t get Nick’s response because ABC took a page from Corinne’s book, they rubbed all on our dicks getting them right where they needed them, then BAM. . .we’ll see you next week.

 “This was the worse day in my life.” -Corinne

“Let me tell ya. I would love to track and field Nick all day.”-Rachel

“Obviously I’m here for Nick, but there’s a lot of like, horny girls in this house, so I don’t know how this is going to work out.” -Alexis

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Only one final thought for this episode, but it’s gonna be a long one. I get the attraction Nick has to Corinne. I mean, it’s a 24 year old pussy and young, supple tits. My problem is the disrespect Corinne is showing towards Nick or more specific, Nick’s family. They will sit down and watch this season and from my research, his youngest sibling/sister is around 14 years old. So, irregardless of whether or not this is “real”, it’s still real enough. Is this how Corinne wants to portray herself to her potential future in-laws? I’m all for sexual awareness and chemistry, but that’s not what Corinne is expressing. She is hoping that rubbing that 24 year old pussy all over Nick is going to cover up the fact that there isn’t much more to her. I understand the need to have fun (which according to Nick is important) and I can see where bouncing in a bounce house accomplishes that. She didn’t bring Nick into a castle to bounce. . .well, she wanted to bounce, she was just hoping it would be on his dick. And if Nick is looking for a girl to just fuck around with, he has certainly found her, but do we really think that Corinne is wife material? I’m gonna sound so old when I say this but, her age is showing. The BXTCH can’t even do laundry. My eight year old son can wash clothes. Whoever winds up marrying Corinne, especially in the next 2-4 years, is also going to have to parent her and that may make blow jobs awfully awkward. Any full functioning adult knows that if it takes copious amounts of alcohol to build courage to do something, then it’s usually not something that comes naturally. Corinne brags about how sexual she is, but each time she has tried to fondle Nick, she is tanked. Even laying in the bounce house she is slurring her words. Subtlety is a real thing and sometimes less really is more. Being sexual is more about attitude than appearance. Corinne just hasn’t had enough life experience to learn that yet.

Next week we will be discussing Christen and her virginity.

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.