BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I would like to issue a friendly reminder that these episodes do run about 2 hours, which for a wordy BXTCH (that would be me), makes it difficult to keep this re-cap at a friendly length. The upside? I’m pretty fucking funny and I do cover EVERY aspect of the episode, so if you didn’t have time to tune in or maybe your DVR was being an asshole. . .I have you covered. I can also give you BXTCHES a bit of foreshadowing and tell you that we may only be TWO episodes in, but it is already so good, which we can only hope that even greater things are to come.
Last Week On: Even though the first episode is just a meet and greet, we did get a good glimpse at all of the men hoping to woo Rachel right down the aisle. I won’t go into detail, you can just check out that post (here), but I will tell you that Bryan not only received the First Impression Rose, but the chiropractor from Florida was also the first to stake a claim. . .on her lips. . .with his tongue. . .twice, so we may have a frontrunner.
This Week On: Tonight will kick off the dates and just in case you’re a bit of a virgin to this franchise or maybe you’re just someone who prefers to skip the episode and check out the re-cap or maybe you’re a double fister and do a read and watch, whatever your poison, just remember. . .during a group date, one hopeful will be issued a Group Date Rose, which ensures that he will live to see another week and if you are picked to go on a one-on-one date with Rachel, you best say a prayer prior that you get a rose, because if she doesn’t pin you, you’re headed home. . .single. . .alone. . .with no wife. Tonight Rachel will go on (2) Group Dates and (1) One-On-One Date.
I really don’t want to kick off this re-cap being a Negative Nancy BUT, this BXTCH needs to vent a tiny bit. Am I the only one who finds it ridiculously corny when the guys are all on the balcony, hands in the air, screaming “RACHEL!”? And the kicker? Rachel isn’t even there. This isn’t the Miss Teen USA pageant for crying out loud. . .let’s just try to keep the corny shit to a minimum. But when Chris Harrison arrives that wish is quickly thrown out. He starts the convo asking the fellas what they thought of Rachel and with responses like (and these are actual quotes): “You know just, right as we like pulled up, you know, it was just one of those great things, just to be able to see her smile.” (DeMario) “I think we all agree, like when you look at Rachel, and you’re just like, just struck.” (Jack) “She’s not only beautiful, but just all-she smells extremely, I think we can all attest to that. She smells so good.” (DeMario). Can I just point out the obvious? I think it’s great that these men are hoping to have the opportunity to drop to one knee and find their ever after and I think it’s great that they have so many wonderful things to say about a woman they just met BUT if these guys are really the type of men who wax poetic all the time, and look at those quotes, I mean, panty melting (I hope you’re able to sense the tone). . .then why are they single? Because trust a BXTCH, being kind and telling a girl on the regular that she is pretty, will get you far. Anyway just a thought, let’s get down to the business.
Group Date #1: The lucky ones are. . .Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas. “I’m looking for husband material” -Rachel. Iggy gives a “I’m so glad to share a date with all of you” toast, Lucas gives his annoying as fuck “Whaboom” and they are off. Rachel welcomes the guys to a barbecue and a little game of football where she is the QB. She’s not exactly sporting attire that screams “hut hut”, and proves it later when Lucas goes to sweep her off of her feet and she has to remind him that she is in fact in a dress. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the date for a Husband Material challenge. . .
Meanwhile at the mansion: Lee has somehow thought this whole thing through and managed to turned it into an episode of Survivor. His analysis is the guys who were left back at the mansion have had the opportunity to hang out in the sun, bond and discuss all things Rachel. While the guys who were chosen for the group date, now have a target on their back. I’m not sure who it is that Lee thinks sends these guys home, but he should at least know that it’s no one with a dick, which would eliminate any guys who are working on their tan, so since Lee is the one handing out the targets and Lee has nothing to do with who stays or who goes, then who really gives a fuck with what Lee thinks? On a more positive note, Will is the one having to listen to Lee’s very well thought out speech and he looks like he would rather be anywhere in the world than where he is.
Back to the challenge. The guys are going to have to work through an obstacle course, #1: diaper changing station (a shitty one) #2: strap baby in a Baby Bjorn #3: vacuum #4: unclog drain #5: locate missing ring in sink full of dishes #6: set dinner table and grab flowers. Let me just say, I hope babies aren’t in any of their future, I’m actually surprised the heads stayed attached. They did vacuum quite well, except for Jack, who didn’t even plug in the appliance. When Lucas went to fish for the diamond, he drowned his baby, but when all was said and done, he pushed Kenny out of the way in the end and came out victorious. On a side note: As a wife, I can say with complete confidence, that if ABC really wanted to find out who was husband material, then what they should’ve done was clog the drain with a ton of real hair and see who was man enough to pull it out, because once again, trust a BXTCH (there seems to be a lot of trust needed tonight), a real husband is going to spend a lot of his time pulling hair out of a drain, then wondering how in the hell is his wife not actually bald. If non-verbal cues were a thing to go by, then Rachel does not seem thrilled that Lucas won this challenge, which would back my claim that ABC forced her hand where he was concerned, because I’m almost sure that she pulled away when he went in for a kiss on the cheek. I need a moment to shout out to Lucas’ parents. I have no idea what Whaboom means and truth be told, I don’t give a fuck, just please make him stop. I feel that since you created him, you are the only ones with that power. I’m embarrassed for him anytime he starts to seize, so I can only imagine how you guys feel. And let’s be real here. . .he couldn’t even get Ashton Kutcher on board, that speaks volumes . . .I’m someone who believes that one should be themselves and live their lives as they see fit, but not in this case. I think he has done some serious brain damage and it has impacted his ability to not be a douchebag, so from one BXTCH to another. . .Please tell him no more or we may have to come up with our own catchphrase.
We’re now into the evening portion of our group date and since Lucas was the ultimate husband (just in the game show sense y’all), he’s the one up first. After some chit chat about the date, Lucas whips out a hand written poem, I am not going to bore you guys with it, but I will say that in an effort to rhyme a word with “smile”, he did actually use the word “entile” which is not a word. I mean, he could’ve went with: style, mile, beguile, profile. . .he may have meant “entail”, but that’s not what he said and I hope based on the smile on Rachel’s face, which looked as if she was thinking “I’m gonna have some words with those bastards at ABC for making me look like a fool by keeping this idiot and getting rid of the other Blake”, more than it said “Ahhh, how sweet, a toddler wrote me a poem”, that Lucas won’t be around for long. While Lucas is away, Blake is going to gossip about Lucas and he starts with telling the guys that he knows Lucas outside of The Bachelorette (we’ll get back to that). I don’t know how Fred’s future on The Bachelorette is going to play out, because every time they talk, that damn camp comes up and Rachel hits him with a “You were bad”, the only thing that would make that conversation better and maybe work in Fred’s favor, is if he came back with an “I still am girl and if I make it to the Fantasy Suites, then you will see just how bad I can be”, because his eight year old self is really turning out to be quite the cock blocker. The Tickle Monster (that’s still weird, right?) decides to take advantage of his time with showing Rachel the proper way to change a diaper, ahhh. . .what every woman wants to learn on a date. Oh, and he is still in possession of his baby from the challenge. . .yeah, that’s not creepy at all. At this point, even Rachel is saying how mundane the conversations are, so somebody needs to start channeling their inner Corinne and turn this shit up. The guys start to interrogate Lucas, asking him about Lucas the Man and Lucas Whaboom. Apparently, there isn’t really a distinction between the two and he can switch Whaboom on and off when needed. Again, it’s never needed. Blake takes his opportunity with Rachel to be a little tattle-tell (although he did spill the beans about living with Lucas’ ex-girlfriend and he revealed that Lucas brought his own make-up bag). . .why do they do that? She doesn’t know you well enough right now for you to take that risk. I would rather you regale her with stories of how mature your penis is or how many pull ups you can do on the beach, while also flexing your penis. . .anything but being a whiny bitch. And not to deflate the penis any further, but Lucas did get a kiss and Blake only got a hug and it wasn’t even a “man you must have a great cock” hug but a “hey, I haven’t seen you since freshman year, you look. . .the same” kind of hug. So, I guess score one for Whaboom (son of a bitch). Blake did confess to Lucas that he ratted him out and it felt good for him to get it out in the open. Somewhere, Lucas has come to believe that he and Rachel have an unspoken connection, there’s an Olivia on every season. The exchange between Blake and Lucas was nothing more than a struck match that got blown out before it had any chance of flourishing, can we at least get a little of Corinne v. Taylor? So, now Dean is up and the very awkward “Once I go black” statement is about to get talked about. Rachel confesses to him that she loved it and loved his confidence even more, in fact, she wanted to say it first. The discussion flowed well, very easy, lots of laughs. . .he definitely brought her back around and probably gave her some hope. Kenny gets his chance and the talk moves to his daughter. I gotta say, as skeptical as I thought I would be about Kenny, he is growing on me and he definitely lit up when he got to brag about his kiddo, so points all around. The Group Date Rose came down to Kenny and Dean, with Dean pulling it out in the end. Dean seized the moment and walked Rachel out, using the time to make up for the kiss he didn’t land earlier. A note to the make-up department: Rachel is gonna kiss A LOT this season, surely y’all know this, the key is for the lipstick to stay on her. Dean was wearing a beautiful shade of red once his tongue was done dancing with hers. Now, if it were me, I would’ve left a bit behind, just to rub it in a little, but clearly Dean has more class than I do.
Meanwhile at the mansion: Josiah and DeMario are hanging out playing a game of “Who’s the Best Man and Who’s the Groom”. Really, it’s just a lot of back and forth between the two on who will come out on one knee in the end. But, when DeMario says “I’m here for Rachel Lindsay. Period.”, that statement alone will prove ironic a bit later in the episode.
One-on-One Date: The first one-on-one for the season is awarded to Peter and his card comes with the clue: “I’m looking for my best friend. . .” Upon arriving at the hangar, Peter is actually driving the vehicle. I know this is crazy talk and will probably in some fashion revoke any sort of feminism card I hold, but man, that was so sexy. And I know this is weird for me to point out, but during Jojo’s season, she drove and maybe it’s all the time I spend nose deep in romance novels, but there is just something so sure and Alpha about a man driving. Back to our regular scheduled programming. Wherever this date is going to take them, they will be using a private plane to get there. But, before they can even board, Rachel introduces Peter to her dog Copper and to the fact that the precious canine will be joining them on their date. Where on earth could they be going, you ask? Palm Springs is the destination. The first part of their date has them enjoying Barkfest, which is paradise for those on four legs and from the looks of things, those on two as well. The conversation is certainly flowing and it doesn’t take long before they actually have the “Would you be willing to move” discussion and I for one say that it’s about time that topic comes up early on. It must suck when you got yourself a beast in the bedroom, but then learn that there is no way they are gonna pack up their bags and relocate, what a waste of a screamin’ orgasm.
The evening date discussion teaches us that Peter’s dad was never really a fan of the show, but once he learned of his son’s quest to find that one and only love, he quickly became one and thinks Rachel is great. We then move onto their teeth. It may sound like a strange date topic, but it was pretty fucking adorable. In the end, they both love their gap, with no interest in getting it corrected, since to them (and me) it’s not broken. The talk does dance a bit towards the serious side when Rachel inquires how in the hell it is that Peter is single. And what is it that we learned? It seems that some broken relationships led him to see a therapist, which helped him in the long run. Coincidentally, Rachel has also laid down on a couch once or twice and was able to really put herself in a place that will make her a better partner when she does find the one. So, from the way this date is shaping up, she may be able to call the whole show off. . .she has found her Mr., but since ratings are needed and all that jazz, we’ll just have to be dazzled by their connection and it’s that connection that has her pinning him with the Date Rose and some kissing. They soon find themselves the sole spectators of a pretty fantastic fireworks display, both in the sky and with each other.
Group Date #2: “Swish” is the clue and Rachel will be headed out with: Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. Now, the clue should reveal it all, but just in case you’re lagging a bit behind, they will be taking their talents, or lack thereof, to the court. Because I have already been very long winded and wordy (shocker!) I’m gonna speed this date up, because the end is where it’s at. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar joins the date and I’m pretty sure erections sprung up all over. They start with a warm-up, which most likely instantly killed Rachel’s hard-on, because there was no heat being packed anywhere. So. . .shoot, shoot, shoot. . .miss, miss, miss and it’s time for the game. Ironically, Coach Kareem discussed how important character was, not only in basketball, but in life as well. . .trust a BXTCH (told you, lots of trust), it was an ironic lesson. The warm-up moves into game time, which will be played in front of a crowd. White Team: Lee, Will, Eric, Alex, and Adam. Purple Team: DeMario, Josiah, Matt, Diggy, and Jamey. In the end, the White team prevailed. But, that is not even the tip of this date. After Rachel does a little meet and greet with the crowd, she meets Lexi and here is what Rachel learned. While Lexi was in her modest living room a week ago, catching up on some TV, she came upon The Bachelor and ATFR, where she soon realized that the guy she had been dating for seven months was meeting the next Bachelorette and that he would soon be in the running to give this girl his last name. The problem, this guy still had keys to Lexi’s apartment and even though she hadn’t heard from him in three days, he never had the balls to break things off with her. So, of course you gotta know, every woman in America was glued to the TV with eyes wide open and jaws dropped when Lexi revealed that DeMario had been sleeping in her bed and up until the moment that she saw him on ATFR, she believed that they would still be sleeping in her bed. So, Rachel does what any of us would’ve done, she goes and gets that motherfucker. What was so great about her arrival in the locker room? He thought he was about to get some Rachel lovin’ and truth be told, so did the rest of the guys. Now, we gotta remember that Rachel is an attorney and her dad is a Federal Judge, you don’t get that far without being able to sniff out some bullshit. Plus, she’s a pretty badass woman, and being a member of that team myself. . .well, let’s just say that my sense of smell is on point. When he first enters the gym and Lexi hits him with “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it DeMario?”, he comes back with a “Who’s this?” Lexi came out swinging and DeMario tried to convince Rachel that she’s crazy. He wanted to spin his story without the cameras, because this is “personal life stuff”, but hoping to fall in love and ask a girl to marry you in front of America is. . .not? Good thing for us, Rachel came back with how she is putting her personal life out there. . .so, this is gonna play out for all to see. A lesson for everyone, when DeMario started saying a lot of words, without saying much of anything-that was the first clue showing how full of shit he was. He claims he broke things off face to face, she claims that the last time he was in her house, they were fucking. He did admit that he didn’t cut off all communication with her because he was trying to wean her off his dick (he didn’t actually say “dick”, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant). When the topic of the keys came up, no worries Lexi, he mailed them back to you, girl. Lexi whips out the phone, with proof via text messages. DeMario was more scared than a 16 year old who just missed her period, it was glorious. Rachel had enough and told him to “Get the fuck out”. And this is why we love Rachel. My prediction? Even though Lexi was throwing some insults DeMario’s way, I bet he’s been all up in her since this confrontation. Rachel needed some time to cool off, then went to inform the other guys that DeMario had been sent home and why. I’m gonna quickly cover the night portion of this date and I should forewarn, it had this BXTCH rolling some eyes. I can understand Rachel’s vibe at this point. She feels played and embarrassed, which I think is the bigger issue. What I find annoying is how offended the guys are on her behalf. Look, I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be a little pissed, but moreso because his lie sent other guys home. But his lie also sent him home, which is one less guy on the path to the next chapter, so I would be clinking glasses and saying “Cheers motherfuckers!”. Josiah, Josiah, Josiah. . .boy does this guy lay it on thick, I am already standing on the other side of the fence from him. I don’t like his approach at all, he has yet to be light hearted and funny. During the meet and greet, he went straight past the “let me get to know you” game and right for “I’m gonna regale her with my childhood woes”. And tonight he played the big, bad, wolf card, he’s protective and he likes her, then he kissed her and it was weird. He is just not at the top of my list. I think it’s great (I guess) that all of these guys were concerned about how she was doing, but it’s not like we’re towards the end of the pickings, and she found this shit out, it’s the second episode, let’s chill the fuck out for a bit. Alex sang her song in Russian, Eric stuck true to his profession and tried to make a difference and did so by giving her some loving . . .with his mouth. But, in the end, Josiah must’ve convinced her of his protective nature, it’s either that or she preferred his tongue over Eric’s, because he’s the one with rose.
Because those over at ABC are a bunch of cock teases, we actually do get a “To Be Continued” tonight, but before that happens, the cocktail party does kick off and Bryan seizes the opportunity. He goes right in with the kiss and that’s three from him, in case you’re counting. Rachel actually apologizes to him for him not having a date this week, which I thought was really telling. He then takes her over to a massage table and relieves some stress (YUM!). In the meantime, DeMario has shown up at the mansion, hoping to get some face to face time with Rachel. Rachel is in the middle of some time with Fred when Chris pulls Rachel aside to inform her of her visitor. She decides that she is curious enough to hear what he has to say. . .the guys have overheard that DeMario has arrived and they have some confronting to do as well.
“Lucas is garbage.” -Blake
“Someone’s definitely getting laid tonight. At least a blow job.” -Mila Kunis
“Listen, I’m a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy.” -Kenny
“The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs.” -Lucas
So, what did we learn from this episode? Could it be that some of the contestants are a little less than honorable? Holy shit, go figure. But, as we sit and feel sorry for Rachel and wanna cut a dick from DeMario, ABC owns some of this deceit as well. Lexi didn’t just happen to know where the show would be shooting, she had to make some contact with someone and the powers that be decided that this drama would play out better on TV, with no regard towards Rachel’s feelings or DeMario’s reputation, though, I wouldn’t really care about the latter either. But, in the grand scheme of the show, don’t we hope to weed out the assholes? Good Lord, I hope the whacker gets rid of Lucas soon.
One thing I’ve learned about this franchise is that the ladies who compete on The Bachelor are only lucky enough to get hair and make-up done for them for the first episode and I believe the final episode. However, The Bachelorette gets the works for her show. So, that’s hair/make-up/stylist. I may not be an expert when it comes to whipping myself up with a pretty stick, but I can look at someone and wonder “What the fuck happened?”. And that is exactly what I was thinking when Rachel went on that first group date. I’m not sure who made up her face, but it’s almost like they have never worked on a skin tone darker than a tan. It did get better as the episode progressed, but we stepped back some when Dean was able to wear the same shade of lipstick as Rachel. I know it’s a tough job, but c’mon guys, get it together.