The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Two Re-Cap | 05.29.17

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comIt's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comBXTCHES Gotta Warn: I would like to issue a friendly reminder that these episodes do run about 2 hours, which for a wordy BXTCH (that would be me), makes it difficult to keep this re-cap at a friendly length. The upside? I’m pretty fucking funny and I do cover EVERY aspect of the episode, so if you didn’t have time to tune in or maybe your DVR was being an asshole. . .I have you covered. I can also give you BXTCHES a bit of foreshadowing and tell you that we may only be TWO episodes in, but it is already so good, which we can only hope that even greater things are to come. 

Last Week On: Even though the first episode is just a meet and greet, we did get a good glimpse at all of the men hoping to woo Rachel right down the aisle. I won’t go into detail, you can just check out that post (here), but I will tell you that Bryan not only received the First Impression Rose, but the chiropractor from Florida was also the first to stake a claim. . .on her lips. . .with his tongue. . .twice, so we may have a frontrunner. 

This Week On: Tonight will kick off the dates and just in case you’re a bit of a virgin to this franchise or maybe you’re just someone who prefers to skip the episode and check out the re-cap or maybe you’re a double fister and do a read and watch, whatever your poison, just remember. . .during a group date, one hopeful will be issued a Group Date Rose, which ensures that he will live to see another week and if you are picked to go on a one-on-one date with Rachel, you best say a prayer prior that you get a rose, because if she doesn’t pin you, you’re headed home. . .single. . .alone. . .with no wife. Tonight Rachel will go on (2) Group Dates and (1) One-On-One Date.

I really don’t want to kick off this re-cap being a Negative Nancy BUT, this BXTCH needs to vent a tiny bit. Am I the only one who finds it ridiculously corny when the guys are all on the balcony, hands in the air, screaming “RACHEL!”? And the kicker? Rachel isn’t even there. This isn’t the Miss Teen USA pageant for crying out loud. . .let’s just try to keep the corny shit to a minimum. But when Chris Harrison arrives that wish is quickly thrown out. He starts the convo asking the fellas what they thought of Rachel and with responses like (and these are actual quotes): “You know just, right as we like pulled up, you know, it was just one of those great things, just to be able to see her smile.” (DeMario) “I think we all agree, like when you look at Rachel, and you’re just like, just struck.” (Jack) “She’s not only beautiful, but just all-she smells extremely, I think we can all attest to that. She smells so good.” (DeMario). Can I just point out the obvious? I think it’s great that these men are hoping to have the opportunity to drop to one knee and find their ever after and I think it’s great that they have so many wonderful things to say about a woman they just met BUT if these guys are really the type of men who wax poetic all the time, and look at those quotes, I mean, panty melting (I hope you’re able to sense the tone). . .then why are they single? Because trust a BXTCH, being kind and telling a girl on the regular that she is pretty, will get you far. Anyway just a thought, let’s get down to the business.

Group Date #1: The lucky ones are. . .Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas. “I’m looking for husband material” -Rachel. Iggy gives a “I’m so glad to share a date with all of you” toast, Lucas gives his annoying as fuck “Whaboom” and they are off. Rachel welcomes the guys to a barbecue and a little game of football where she is the QB. She’s not exactly sporting attire that screams “hut hut”, and proves it later when Lucas goes to sweep her off of her feet and she has to remind him that she is in fact in a dress. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the date for a Husband Material challenge. . .

Meanwhile at the mansion: Lee has somehow thought this whole thing through and managed to turned it into an episode of Survivor. His analysis is the guys who were left back at the mansion have had the opportunity to hang out in the sun, bond and discuss all things Rachel. While the guys who were chosen for the group date, now have a target on their back. I’m not sure who it is that Lee thinks sends these guys home, but he should at least know that it’s no one with a dick, which would eliminate any guys who are working on their tan, so since Lee is the one handing out the targets and Lee has nothing to do with who stays or who goes, then who really gives a fuck with what Lee thinks? On a more positive note, Will is the one having to listen to Lee’s very well thought out speech and he looks like he would rather be anywhere in the world than where he is. 

Back to the challenge. The guys are going to have to work through an obstacle course, #1: diaper changing station (a shitty one) #2: strap baby in a Baby Bjorn #3: vacuum #4: unclog drain #5: locate missing ring in sink full of dishes #6: set dinner table and grab flowers. Let me just say, I hope babies aren’t in any of their future, I’m actually surprised the heads stayed attached. They did vacuum quite well, except for Jack, who didn’t even plug in the appliance. When Lucas went to fish for the diamond, he drowned his baby, but when all was said and done, he pushed Kenny out of the way in the end and came out victorious. On a side note: As a wife, I can say with complete confidence, that if ABC really wanted to find out who was husband material, then what they should’ve done was clog the drain with a ton of real hair and see who was man enough to pull it out, because once again, trust a BXTCH (there seems to be a lot of trust needed tonight), a real husband is going to spend a lot of his time pulling hair out of a drain, then wondering how in the hell is his wife not actually bald. If non-verbal cues were a thing to go by, then Rachel does not seem thrilled that Lucas won this challenge, which would back my claim that ABC forced her hand where he was concerned, because I’m almost sure that she pulled away when he went in for a kiss on the cheek. I need a moment to shout out to Lucas’ parents. I have no idea what Whaboom means and truth be told, I don’t give a fuck, just please make him stop. I feel that since you created him, you are the only ones with that power. I’m embarrassed for him anytime he starts to seize, so I can only imagine how you guys feel. And let’s be real here. . .he couldn’t even get Ashton Kutcher on board, that speaks volumes . . .I’m someone who believes that one should be themselves and live their lives as they see fit, but not in this case. I think he has done some serious brain damage and it has impacted his ability to not be a douchebag, so from one BXTCH to another. . .Please tell him no more or we may have to come up with our own catchphrase.

We’re now into the evening portion of our group date and since Lucas was the ultimate husband (just in the game show sense y’all), he’s the one up first. After some chit chat about the date, Lucas whips out a hand written poem, I am not going to bore you guys with it, but I will say that in an effort to rhyme a word with “smile”, he did actually use the word “entile” which is not a word. I mean, he could’ve went with: style, mile, beguile, profile. . .he may have meant “entail”, but that’s not what he said and I hope based on the smile on Rachel’s face, which looked as if she was thinking “I’m gonna have some words with those bastards at ABC for making me look like a fool by keeping this idiot and getting rid of the other Blake”, more than it said “Ahhh, how sweet, a toddler wrote me a poem”, that Lucas won’t be around for long. While Lucas is away, Blake is going to gossip about Lucas and he starts with telling the guys that he knows Lucas outside of The Bachelorette (we’ll get back to that). I don’t know how Fred’s future on The Bachelorette is going to play out, because every time they talk, that damn camp comes up and Rachel hits him with a “You were bad”, the only thing that would make that conversation better and maybe work in Fred’s favor, is if he came back with an “I still am girl and if I make it to the Fantasy Suites, then you will see just how bad I can be”, because his eight year old self is really turning out to be quite the cock blocker. The Tickle Monster (that’s still weird, right?) decides to take advantage of his time with showing Rachel the proper way to change a diaper, ahhh. . .what every woman wants to learn on a date. Oh, and he is still in possession of his baby from the challenge. . .yeah, that’s not creepy at all. At this point, even Rachel is saying how mundane the conversations are, so somebody needs to start channeling their inner Corinne and turn this shit up. The guys start to interrogate Lucas, asking him about Lucas the Man and Lucas Whaboom. Apparently, there isn’t really a distinction between the two and he can switch Whaboom on and off when needed. Again, it’s never needed. Blake takes his opportunity with Rachel to be a little tattle-tell (although he did spill the beans about living with Lucas’ ex-girlfriend and he revealed that Lucas brought his own make-up bag). . .why do they do that? She doesn’t know you well enough right now for you to take that risk. I would rather you regale her with stories of how mature your penis is or how many pull ups you can do on the beach, while also flexing your penis. . .anything but being a whiny bitch. And not to deflate the penis any further, but Lucas did get a kiss and Blake only got a hug and it wasn’t even a “man you must have a great cock”  hug but a “hey, I haven’t seen you since freshman year, you look. . .the same” kind of hug. So, I guess score one for Whaboom (son of a bitch). Blake did confess to Lucas that he ratted him out and it felt good for him to get it out in the open. Somewhere, Lucas has come to believe that he and Rachel have an unspoken connection, there’s an Olivia on every season. The exchange between Blake and Lucas was nothing more than a struck match that got blown out before it had any chance of flourishing, can we at least get a little of Corinne v. Taylor? So, now Dean is up and the very awkward “Once I go black” statement is about to get talked about. Rachel confesses to him that she loved it and loved his confidence even more, in fact, she wanted to say it first. The discussion flowed well, very easy, lots of laughs. . .he definitely brought her back around and probably gave her some hope. Kenny gets his chance and the talk moves to his daughter. I gotta say, as skeptical as I thought I would be about Kenny, he is growing on me and he definitely lit up when he got to brag about his kiddo, so points all around. The Group Date Rose came down to Kenny and Dean, with Dean pulling it out in the end. Dean seized the moment and walked Rachel out, using the time to make up for the kiss he didn’t land earlier. A note to the make-up department: Rachel is gonna kiss A LOT this season, surely y’all know this, the key is for the lipstick to stay on her. Dean was wearing a beautiful shade of red once his tongue was done dancing with hers. Now, if it were me, I would’ve left a bit behind, just to rub it in a little, but clearly Dean has more class than I do.

Meanwhile at the mansion: Josiah and DeMario are hanging out playing a game of “Who’s the Best Man and Who’s the Groom”. Really, it’s just a lot of back and forth between the two on who will come out on one knee in the end. But, when DeMario says “I’m here for Rachel Lindsay. Period.”, that statement alone will prove ironic a bit later in the episode. 

One-on-One Date: The first one-on-one for the season is awarded to Peter and his card comes with the clue: “I’m looking for my best friend. . .” Upon arriving at the hangar, Peter is actually driving the vehicle. I know this is crazy talk and will probably in some fashion revoke any sort of feminism card I hold, but man, that was so sexy. And I know this is weird for me to point out, but during Jojo’s season, she drove and maybe it’s all the time I spend nose deep in romance novels, but there is just something so sure and Alpha about a man driving. Back to our regular scheduled programming. Wherever this date is going to take them, they will be using a private plane to get there. But, before they can even board, Rachel introduces Peter to her dog Copper and to the fact that the precious canine will be joining them on their date. Where on earth could they be going, you ask? Palm Springs is the destination. The first part of their date has them enjoying Barkfest, which is paradise for those on four legs and from the looks of things, those on two as well. The conversation is certainly flowing and it doesn’t take long before they actually have the “Would you be willing to move” discussion and I for one say that it’s about time that topic comes up early on. It must suck when you got yourself a beast in the bedroom, but then learn that there is no way they are gonna pack up their bags and relocate, what a waste of a screamin’ orgasm. 

The evening date discussion teaches us that Peter’s dad was never really a fan of the show, but once he learned of his son’s quest to find that one and only love, he quickly became one and thinks Rachel is great. We then move onto their teeth. It may sound like a strange date topic, but it was pretty fucking adorable. In the end, they both love their gap, with no interest in getting it corrected, since to them (and me) it’s not broken. The talk does dance a bit towards the serious side when Rachel inquires how in the hell it is that Peter is single. And what is it that we learned? It seems that some broken relationships led him to see a therapist, which helped him in the long run. Coincidentally, Rachel has also laid down on a couch once or twice and was able to really put herself in a place that will make her a better partner when she does find the one. So, from the way this date is shaping up, she may be able to call the whole show off. . .she has found her Mr., but since ratings are needed and all that jazz, we’ll just have to be dazzled by their connection and it’s that connection that has her pinning him with the Date Rose and some kissing. They soon find themselves the sole spectators of a pretty fantastic fireworks display, both in the sky and with each other. 

Group Date #2“Swish” is the clue and Rachel will be headed out with: Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. Now, the clue should reveal it all, but just in case you’re lagging a bit behind, they will be taking their talents, or lack thereof, to the court. Because I have already been very long winded and wordy (shocker!) I’m gonna speed this date up, because the end is where it’s at. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar joins the date and I’m pretty sure erections sprung up all over. They start with a warm-up, which most likely instantly killed Rachel’s hard-on, because there was no heat being packed anywhere. So. . .shoot, shoot, shoot. . .miss, miss, miss and it’s time for the game. Ironically, Coach Kareem discussed how important character was, not only in basketball, but in life as well. . .trust a BXTCH (told you, lots of trust), it was an ironic lesson. The warm-up moves into game time, which will be played in front of a crowd. White Team: Lee, Will, Eric, Alex, and Adam. Purple Team: DeMario, Josiah, Matt, Diggy, and Jamey. In the end, the White team prevailed. But, that is not even the tip of this date. After Rachel does a little meet and greet with the crowd, she meets Lexi and here is what Rachel learned. While Lexi was in her modest living room a week ago, catching up on some TV, she came upon The Bachelor and ATFR, where she soon realized that the guy she had been dating for seven months was meeting the next Bachelorette and that he would soon be in the running to give this girl his last name. The problem, this guy still had keys to Lexi’s apartment and even though she hadn’t heard from him in three days, he never had the balls to break things off with her. So, of course you gotta know, every woman in America was glued to the TV with eyes wide open and jaws dropped when Lexi revealed that DeMario had been sleeping in her bed and up until the moment that she saw him on ATFR, she believed that they would still be sleeping in her bed. So, Rachel does what any of us would’ve done, she goes and gets that motherfucker. What was so great about her arrival in the locker room? He thought he was about to get some Rachel lovin’ and truth be told, so did the rest of the guys. Now, we gotta remember that Rachel is an attorney and her dad is a Federal Judge, you don’t get that far without being able to sniff out some bullshit. Plus, she’s a pretty badass woman, and being a member of that team myself. . .well, let’s just say that my sense of smell is on point. When he first enters the gym and Lexi hits him with “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it DeMario?”, he comes back with a “Who’s this?” Lexi came out swinging and DeMario tried to convince Rachel that she’s crazy. He wanted to spin his story without the cameras, because this is “personal life stuff”, but hoping to fall in love and ask a girl to marry you in front of America is. . .not? Good thing for us, Rachel came back with how she is putting her personal life out there. . .so, this is gonna play out for all to see. A lesson for everyone, when DeMario started saying a lot of words, without saying much of anything-that was the first clue showing how full of shit he was. He claims he broke things off face to face, she claims that the last time he was in her house, they were fucking. He did admit that he didn’t cut off all communication with her because he was trying to wean her off his dick (he didn’t actually say “dick”, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant). When the topic of the keys came up, no worries Lexi, he mailed them back to you, girl. Lexi whips out the phone, with proof via text messages. DeMario was more scared than a 16 year old who just missed her period, it was glorious. Rachel had enough and told him to “Get the fuck out”. And this is why we love Rachel. My prediction? Even though Lexi was throwing some insults DeMario’s way, I bet he’s been all up in her since this confrontation. Rachel needed some time to cool off, then went to inform the other guys that DeMario had been sent home and why. I’m gonna quickly cover the night portion of this date and I should forewarn, it had this BXTCH rolling some eyes. I can understand Rachel’s vibe at this point. She feels played and embarrassed, which I think is the bigger issue. What I find annoying is how offended the guys are on her behalf. Look, I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be a little pissed, but moreso because his lie sent other guys home. But his lie also sent him home, which is one less guy on the path to the next chapter, so I would be clinking glasses and saying “Cheers motherfuckers!”. Josiah, Josiah, Josiah. . .boy does this guy lay it on thick, I am already standing on the other side of the fence from him. I don’t like his approach at all, he has yet to be light hearted and funny. During the meet and greet, he went straight past the “let me get to know you” game and right for “I’m gonna regale her with my childhood woes”. And tonight he played the big, bad, wolf card, he’s protective and he likes her, then he kissed her and it was weird. He is just not at the top of my list. I think it’s great (I guess) that all of these guys were concerned about how she was doing, but it’s not like we’re towards the end of the pickings, and she found this shit out, it’s the second episode, let’s chill the fuck out for a bit. Alex sang her song in Russian, Eric stuck true to his profession and tried to make a difference and did so by giving her some loving . . .with his mouth. But, in the end, Josiah must’ve convinced her of his protective nature, it’s either that or she preferred his tongue over Eric’s, because he’s the one with rose.

Because those over at ABC are a bunch of cock teases, we actually do get a “To Be Continued” tonight, but before that happens, the cocktail party does kick off and Bryan seizes the opportunity. He goes right in with the kiss and that’s three from him, in case you’re counting. Rachel actually apologizes to him for him not having a date this week, which I thought was really telling. He then takes her over to a massage table and relieves some stress (YUM!). In the meantime, DeMario has shown up at the mansion, hoping to get some face to face time with Rachel. Rachel is in the middle of some time with Fred when Chris pulls Rachel aside to inform her of her visitor. She decides that she is curious enough to hear what he has to say. . .the guys have overheard that DeMario has arrived and they have some confronting to do as well. 

The Bachelor | It's Reality BXTCHES | Episode Re-Cap on

“Lucas is garbage.” -Blake

“Someone’s definitely getting laid tonight. At least a blow job.” -Mila Kunis

“Listen, I’m a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy.” -Kenny

“The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs.” -Lucas

So, what did we learn from this episode? Could it be that some of the contestants are a little less than honorable? Holy shit, go figure. But, as we sit and feel sorry for Rachel and wanna cut a dick from DeMario, ABC owns some of this deceit as well. Lexi didn’t just happen to know where the show would be shooting, she had to make some contact with someone and the powers that be decided that this drama would play out better on TV, with no regard towards Rachel’s feelings or DeMario’s reputation, though, I wouldn’t really care about the latter either. But, in the grand scheme of the show, don’t we hope to weed out the assholes? Good Lord, I hope the whacker gets rid of Lucas soon.

One thing I’ve learned about this franchise is that the ladies who compete on The Bachelor are only lucky enough to get hair and make-up done for them for the first episode and I believe the final episode. However, The Bachelorette gets the works for her show. So, that’s hair/make-up/stylist. I may not be an expert when it comes to whipping myself up with a pretty stick, but I can look at someone and wonder “What the fuck happened?”. And that is exactly what I was thinking when Rachel went on that first group date. I’m not sure who made up her face, but it’s almost like they have never worked on a skin tone darker than a tan. It did get better as the episode progressed, but we stepped back some when Dean was able to wear the same shade of lipstick as Rachel. I know it’s a tough job, but c’mon guys, get it together.


The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN



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Episode Two | 01.09.17

The Bachelor Re-Cap |

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comIt's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comBXTCHES Gotta Warn: After last week, my goal going forward was to try to blog this re-cap as I was watching the episode. Now that I have actually watched this week’s episode and attempted to be funny, witty, and an all around smart ass, I know that for me, typing while watching, is just not possible. This is a series that requires my full, uninterrupted attention. . .at least for the first go round. I should extend my warning by telling you BXTCHES that this episode was almost torturous to watch. There were multiple times where I had to turn away from the T.V. As a courtesy, I will do my best to bring that awkwardness right into this re-cap, no need to leave you guys out, right?

Last Week On. . .While we learned a lot about the ladies last week, we didn’t get a ton out of the season premiere. But we did find out that one of the Desperately Seeking has not only previously met Nick, but that the meeting ended with them in a bed or a hallway or a bathroom or the backseat of a limo. . .actually I’m not sure where it really ended, but we did learn it ended with Nick’s good stuff running into Liz’s good stuff. We also learned that Corinne not only still has a nanny at the infant age of 24, but is an eager beaver when it comes to wanting to show Nick her’s (beaver that is). There’s Alexis, who is so obsessed with dolphins, that to show her undying affection, she dresses up as a shark. All in all, Nick began this season with 30 woman, salivating at the opportunity to strap on that garter and pull down that veil and make that long walk down the aisle with Nick being their forever. He ultimately eliminates eight, sealing their fate that they are doomed to find their husband through the more traditional ways of Facebook stalking or some crazy dating website like. . OR (that’s meet-an-inmate) OR And yes, these are actual websites where one can find their true love

This Week On. . .Now the tedious (but entertaining as fuuuck) process to dwindle down the pact begins. Not only for Nick, but for us BXTCHES as well. I mean let’s face it, we all believe that at this point, we think we know who the better fit is a little bit better than the actual Bachelor. So, this week is going to give us (2) group dates and (1) one-on-one. Now, if you’re new to this process, the group dates are exactly what they say. This date will last the majority of the day. There will be some sort of a daytime activity that will most likely embarrass one of the contestants and then they all move into the nighttime where they consume copious amounts of alcohol while also getting some one-on-one time with Nick. In the end, Nick will bestow a rose on one lucky, hopeful, bride to be. All that means, is they are safe for another week. The one-on-one date is just Nick and whoever he has chosen. This date also takes all day, with a daytime and nighttime portion. The dinner side is usually the Bachelor/ette and the lucky one talking over a dinner that’s not really a dinner, while trying to discover things about one another. If Nick is happy with the date, he will then offer the lady a rose, if a rose is not offered, then the lady must leave the show. Nothing like stabbing your self-esteem right in the tit. 

Group date #1 this week: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W.. They are given the clue “Always a Bridesmaid”. I’m just gonna dive right in to this mess. The first group date was awkward as all fucks. This date had some look away moments for sure. For this date, the ladies get to participate in a wedding photo shoot with Nick. Now, all of the girls, except three (I think), get to dress up as brides, the rest as bridesmaids. We had an 80’s bride, a shotgun bride, an Adam and Eve bride, a Vegas wedding, Corinne was in a bikini (I have no idea what kind of bride she represented). BXTCH side commentary: ABC, listen up. Who in the name of Bridezilla, thought it would be a great or maybe funny idea to have these women play pretend bride? Because you know. . .why not have women, who are clearly eager to walk down the aisle in real life partake in putting on a wedding gown and stand next to the one that they consider to be “THE ONE”. Nope, no crazy could ever be triggered from that idea. In the end, the photographer will pick the one who he believes has the best chemistry with Nick and that girl will get a “treat”. Corinne is using her time to continue to brag about the kiss she shared with Nick. What she actually says is “Nick was the first person I’ve kissed”, I don’t know if she is insinuating that she’s never kissed before or. . .actually I don’t know what the fuck she meant, I do know that she thinks that her being the first one out of the girls to kiss Nick and her name being the first one on the date card somehow mean something significant. I would suggest she go back and watch Olivia on Ben’s season. Well, to get started, they all go into make-up and all is glorious in Corinne’s white bikini, sexed up world. . .that is until she lays eyes on Brittany, who is supposed to be Eve, as in “Adam and” and even though I wasn’t there all those years ago, I don’t think that Eve looked quite like Brittany did in her fig leaf. If she did, we would be living in a very different world, reading from a very different book. When the photoshoot begins, it’s all about who can outdo who and it’s all done while the other girls look on. Everything is going as good as weird can go. . .many of the brides are taking the opportunity to kiss the groom, even the bridesmaids, which I’m sure got them crossed off some lists at home. During all of the heated moments, Corinne is fit to be tied. Her anxiety over watching other girls kiss her boyfriend, is about to make the bitch’s extensions come out. She constantly talks about how she wants to “kiss Nick all over” all while shooting down champagne. Some advice from me to you, girl: if you got to kick back alcohol in order to soothe the situation, you’re doing something wrong. C’mon Raquel, what’s the point in having a nanny at 24 years old, if you ain’t gonna run up on her with some truth? Adam and Eve are next. It could be sacrilege for me to say the following, considering we are talking about our Biblical parents, but Good Lord. . .if that’s what the Garden of Eden was dealing with, I wouldn’t have just consumed a half bag of chips and instead, I would’ve went to the store today decked out in my leaf, but different times call for different measures. In this version of our story, Corinne is certainly the serpent. I have yet to decide if it’s brillance on her part or a bit harlet like. She and Nick are having some sort of a swim wedding, I didn’t know that was a thing. She looked more Tawny Kitaen circa “Here I go Again” and look, I ain’t hatin’. There isn’t one 80’s white girl alive who didn’t want to be on top of that car and probably not one guy who didn’t tug a little watching it. But the bitch gets into the pool and takes off her top, while pressing her tits against Nick, man I hope the water was ice cold. She then asks him to “Janet Jackson” it and grab em’. But hey, it all works out in the end, because she was the winner of social experiment #1.

When we hit the cocktail hour, it’s time for Nick to get some alone time with the ladies. Up first is Corinne, and I think she is almost three sheets to the wind at this point. They do talk a bit, something about her wearing her heart on her sleeve and her whole heart and she then kisses him and the conversation is over. I think she was trying to go for some sophisticated conversation, when all she really wanted to do was dry hump his leg and somewhere in the process, things got mixed up. We were lucky enough to learn that Raven interrupted her last boyfriend mid thrust with another woman and that she is also attracted to dicks, though she’s not calling Nick a dick. It seemed that Nick was hitting it off with Alexis when Corinne interrupts, and instead of taking a stance, Alexis walks away. Taylor gets her moment with Nick and they begin conversation regarding Taylor’s education, we get as far as her master’s degree and a bit into what she does, when Corinne the Vixen comes back. She should’ve just snuck off somewhere and gave him a good blowie, that way everyone else at least would’ve gotten a little bit of time with him. It seems like it’s gonna be a Taylor vs. Corinne battle, because the next interruption comes from our mental health professional. Ironically Corinne believes that Taylor “re-interrupting” her is “very rude” and not at all classy. Corinne gives a heart wrenching soliloquy on friends vs. non-friends and Nick being the reason for the season, she talks about being out of her comfort zone then turns around and expresses how she is just being her self “just Corinne”, so either she is confused on what comfort zone means or what being yourself means. . .regardless, Nick presents Corinne with the rose and all is right in the bubble of The Bachelor.

Meanwhile at the mansion: The girls are talking about the kiss heard ’round the mansion and Liz strategically drops the “I didn’t kiss him. . .last night” line. You know that friend that will say something, hoping for a certain reply so they can continue with what it is they want to say without being the aggressor. . .well, hello Liz, what is it that you’re dying to tell me? That’s how desperate it was. 

One-on-One Date: “Our relationship is about to take off.” That message was given to Danielle M. and even our neonatal nurse can’t control the fangirl, she even asks for help in picking out her outfit. They take a helicopter to a yacht and imbibe on the drink of the season. . .champagne.  Not much happens on the yacht, that we see anyway. There is some hot tub action and some time face to face. The nighttime brings some truth. They sit down to their non-dinner and begin the past relationships convo. Their rehash starts with Nick giving a rundown on his two seasons on The Bachelorette and how in the end both times, his heart was broken and his pride really took a hit. Now, I’m not sure what it was I was expecting from Danielle, but it sure as shit wasn’t her telling Nick that 5 1/2 years ago, her fiancĂ© died from a drug overdose and she was the one who found him. She seemed to be nervous about telling Nick that news, but he took it like I hoped someone his age would’ve. Since the somberness of that story is out of the way, Nick gives the rose to Danielle and they take a make-out ride on the ferris wheel. 

Meanwhile at the mansion: We get to continue the issue that is Liz. The same. . .nine months ago. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding. . .I knew him before. . .The guilt finally spills over and Liz just has to tell someone and since no one has taken the bait she’s been dropping down, she finally comes clean to Christen, who promises that Liz can tell her anything and she will never say a word about it. I think that line is somewhere in the Mean Girl handbook, I’ll have to check. We do find out that they did make out in the hallway, then went back to her room (so that mystery is solved) where “shit got real”. Our girl didn’t stop there, no no, she proceeds to give out the deets. Apparently lots of alcohol makes for some very robotic sex, I always thought that the term was wild, but who knew? Now, this conversation takes place over three different outfits/bikinis. So, either since she let the cat out of the bag, she can’t stop the word vomit and it literally is taking her three days to tell this story or these BXTCHES think they are putting on their own show and need to please the fans. 

Group date #2 this week: Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz. “We need to talk. . .” That’s a pretty ominous message, I think he’s talking to you Liz. They hit up the Broken Relationships museum, which is quite fitting, considering his first group date involved marriage and the next one involves the break-up. They take a look around the museum and quickly locate Nick’s contribution, he donated a rose and the engagement ring he was going to give to Kaitlyn. They walk in on a couple in the middle of a break-up, because ABC is all about subtlety, which is where they learn that they will be participating in a break-up of their very own with Nick. As they walk around the museum, Liz is doing her best to grab his attention and attempt a conversation with him, but either he’s not ready to talk in public, in front of the other ladies or he is really bad on picking up on hints. Either way, it already has Liz in tears. By the time they hit the performance portion of the date, they get to witness some break-ups before they get their shot. Again, I don’t know whose idea this date was and I feel like I have used the word awkward way too much, but there is no other way to describe this episode. Josephine almost slaps the beard off his fine face, that is how hard she hit him, which may be brave, but I’m not sure if it was too terribly smart. But really, we’re all just waiting for Liz to deliver her blow and that bitch took notes and I mean she actually had note cards with her, so you know she’s about to drop some real shit. I now know what her end game really was. During her break-up performance, she talks about meeting him in a hotel lobby and she brings up Jade and Tanner’s wedding and how no guy has ever fought for her and she really wanted Nick to take that stance. BXTCH side commentary: I think she wanted to give him her number, I just think she wanted him to beg for it. She wanted him to go to Jade and ask her about Liz, she was playing hard to get and he had already closed it up. I believe she was hoping that her coming on the show would trigger some sort of “How Great Thou Pussy Is” memory and he only viewed it as a rejection and I’m no Taylor, but my internal mental health professional is telling me that he’s not going to risk rejection again, that him being turned down is a huge fear for him. Here’s my truth to Liz. . .Girl, you had sex with him nine months prior and even you said it was awkward, why are you trying to deposit another quarter and take another ride on the horse. It was a one night stand, a night that he tried to extend but you threw up the stop sign. So, unless your sex resulted in a human being, being made, you need to move on. No one needs closure over one night. Here’s where the day turns into night and gets real interesting. Nick is stressing over Liz’s break-up performance. He’s worried that she has spread the good news that he knows her really well. His thought is that the girls will think that he has lied to them. I don’t get that. I mean, this is the first round of dates, I’ve been out of the game for a long while, but I’m pretty sure your sexual history isn’t one of the first things to come up. When he gets some alone time with the girls, he quickly realizes that Liz hasn’t told anyone, that is until Christen gets her run in the sun. Even though Christen promised Liz that she wouldn’t say anything, that has flown the coop and she fills Nick in, Nick fills her in and Christen’s time seems to be taken up by talking about Liz and Nick and the sex that was had at, wait for it. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Liz seems to be the last one and it’s time to get the talk out of the way. Nick wants to find out if Liz is interested in pursing a relationship with him or if she is using their past relationship as a means to get on television. In the one-on-one with the camera Nick confesses that he asked for her number and she turned him away, that if she wanted to pursue something with him, she had ways to make that happen. She is the one who told him during the meet and greet on episode #1, that her view of him changed once she saw him on Paradise, but she still didn’t reach out. I think she was hoping that once he saw her on the show, that somehow she was going to move to the front of the line. Once he pulls her away from the ladies, he lets it spill that Christen did let the cat out of the bag. Now, his take on the night in question is a bit different from hers. His claim is. . .fun was had, she described the night as awkward. He does get around to asking her why she hasn’t contacted him if she was in fact interested in having a relationship with him. Her answer to that question is golden, here goes. . .“maybe you asked for my phone number, but I didn’t really know you, you know what I mean?” Even though the word that come out of Nick’s mouth is “yeah”, the look on his face when she says “I didn’t really know you” says “bitch, I deep dicked you and you didn’t feel comfortable giving me your phone number?” She digs herself deeper and deeper when she blames him being away for Paradise and how she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression, I’m not sure how the impression can go anywhere but up. I mean, you contacting him, wanting more of the deep dick should be construed as positive. You could’ve even went with something like. . .“Nick, I know it’s been awhile since Jade and Tanner’s wedding, I was just nervous about contacting you, but I can still feel you between my legs, so how about a date?” See. . .you’re keeping it short, sweet, and complimenting his dick. . .things can only end well from there. She completes the digging of the hole when she tells Nick that she isn’t really one into phone conversations, at least not with those that she already has an established relationship with. I’m gonna let you BXTCHES decode that one. Well in the end it doesn’t matter, Nick ends it telling her that while their night together was fun, he’s really not interested in pursuing anything further with her. After he walks her out, he is left with the task of telling the girls about the night with the one that could’ve been. He tells the ones that remain that he met Liz at. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding and that they had sex that night. This is also where ABC hits us with a “TO BE CONTINUED”!The Bachelor | It's Reality BXTCHES | Episode Re-Cap on

“She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face.”-Corinne

“Nick held my boobs today, like he held my boobs, okay? No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.”-Corinne

“Cheers, Bitches.”-Corinne

“If Nick likes someone who is leading with their sexuality, no wonder it’s his fourth time.”-Raven

I hope that any future wannabe contestant for this show, is taking notes on how to act. I have nothing against someone having a personality that is sexual in nature, I just don’t think Corinne is that person. I think that in her mind, at the age of 24, she really thinks that the best way to have a man drop down to one knee is for her to drop down on hers. And look, it’s important to know how to knock a man stupid by giving him a blow job for the ages, but you gotta have some mystery kept in the back pocket. Also, privacy is a good thing, learn it and utilize it. 

I wanted to root for Liz, I really did. But she just set that hope on fire when she couldn’t even give Nick a decent explanation on why she was there. The problem with lying is that there is too much to remember and that is where Liz started to run up against a wall. Again, I think she wanted Nick to really pursue her and her finding out about him being appointed as the next Bachelor, made her realize that the only chance she had at being chased was to go on the show. I’m actually okay with that. I think maybe she should’ve just said “Look Nick, I thought about that night a whole lot, it got me through some pretty lonely times and even though I wanted to reach out to you, I was scared at what you were going to say and then when I heard you were going to be the next Bachelor, I couldn’t let some other girl get her hooks into you. . .I know what you taste like and I need more”. . .anyway, maybe not those exact words, but something like that. I just hope she has learned that the next time she wants something to go after it.

I did notice that during the first group date, there was a lot of spit shared, both during the photo shoot and during the cocktail hour. But during the second group date, not one of the ladies was lucky enough to feel how soft Nick’s lips were or were not. 

I can say with confidence that I can go the remainder of my life and not hear the words. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding ever again. 

After watching an episode like this one, I feel like we need to start raising our kiddos on how to compete for their bride/groom on television, you know. . .just in case. Like it might be beneficial to jot down a how to guide of some sorts. For instance, if I was going to dole out advice to my pride and joys, I would tell them the following: (1) Slow your roll on the alcohol. Drink water instead, because girls are going to be bitches, you need to have a clear mind when dealing with them. (2) Making out is fun, go for it, but remember when you made the decision to have your relationship aired on television, the entire world is watching when you flash your tits, keep it a little classy and a bit mysterious. (3) Don’t be afraid to dig into the good eats, the food is there for a reason. Enjoy it. (4) Stand up for yourself. Don’t let some bitch come and take away your man. When she politely asks if she can interrupt, politely say “fuck no”. Because let’s face it, if you’re my kiddo, that word will frequent your vocabulary. (5) You need to learn to use all of your assets wisely. Your beauty will get you to the door, don’t be afraid to take advantage, but it’s gonna be your wit, personality and smarts that will take you right through the doorway, while giving you the ability to shut and lock out any competition. Do it right. (6) Be the same person to someone’s face that you are to their back. I think the saying goes something like “Pay attention to how someone talks to you about other people, because that is how they talk about you when you’re not around.” I probably didn’t get that exactly right, but the feeling is there. (7) Always trust your instinct. There’s no quicker way to sniff out a bitch then using your gut. (8) When you cry on national television after only a couple of dates, because you know he is the one and you’re just not getting your time with him, you have become an embarrassment to our good family name and I raised your ass better than that. Don’t cry over that petty shit. You shed tears when he does pick you, only for you to realize that he doesn’t either eat the pussy or doesn’t know how to eat the pussy. That’s worth a good sob. 

Maybe I should start some sort of consultation firm. ABC are you listening? Ohhh. . .or maybe write a parenting book.

 Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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