BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Well this is it, the episode we’ve been anxiously anticipating. . .Hometowns. This episode had this BXTCH in a tizzy. I can’t even believe that I used that word, but that is what it was. . .a BXTCH tizzy. The previews leading up to tonight indicated that Robby was going to have to answer some serious questions about his ex and Jordan was going to be confronted with the strife between his family and Aaron. So, why wait, let’s get this going.
Last week on. . .Last week was emotional, we lost Alex and James. Even though I understood the choice to send James home, my heart certainly broke for him. I was never a big fan of Alex, so him saying goodbye did not crack the tear ducts of this BXTCH.
ABC offers us no foreplay this week, they just dive in, balls deep. Up first tonight is Chase.
Chase lives in Highlands Ranch, Colorado and that is where Jojo is meeting up with him. Before bringing Jojo to meet the parents, Chase decides to have some hot chocolate (well, at least I think that’s what it was) on a very picturesque cliff, so he’s kicking it off right by giving Jojo a tiny glimpse to what life as Jojo McNary would be like. He uses this time to talk to Jojo about his parents divorce and how that has affected him in his adult life. He opens up about how bad the divorce was (very) and why it is he has put up a wall. The conversation must have went well, because it ends with a bit of kissing. Before meeting Chase’s parents, he takes her back to his house, which is where he is going to have his dad meet Jojo. On a side note: Chase is doing quite well for himself and from the looks of his house, he is certainly anticipating a future with a family. I actually liked the meeting with Chase’s dad, it seemed very genuine. Chase does ask his dad (in front of Jojo) why his marriage with his mom didn’t work. That seemed an awfully strange question to ask, considering that Chase is 27 years old and maybe it should be a question asked in private and way before this very public stage. If he’s a little apprehensive towards emotional intimacy, then the Dr. Phil in me says you should’ve taken care of those issues prior to revealing them to the world, but I’m not Dr. Phil, just a BXTCH with an opinion. In fairness to Chase and his family, his dad seems to answer the question with complete honesty and he took the blame for the failed marriage. Chase and his dad have a little one-on-one where his dad asks him “what if it’s not you”, Chase refuses to look at any “what if’s” at this point. On a side note: There is a guitar in the corner of the basement. . .Does he have the hotness and musical gene? Throw the BXTCHES a bone. . .pretty please. His dad also makes sure that Chase realizes how any decision that he makes can and will affect other people. This hometown seems to be striking something in Chase, during the entire “meeting with dad”, it seems as if Chase has a whole lot of unshed tears, so maybe just maybe, there’s a whole lot of past affecting his future. All in all, a pretty good meeting with parent #1. Now it’s time to bring in the one who really counts. I mean, no offense to the daddy-o’s out there, but let’s face it. . .if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Chase and Jojo arrive to meet mom (Sandy) sister (Brittany) bil (Bryan) stepdad (Brad) and nephew (Everett), so it’s definitely a house full. Mom pulls Jojo away first and the conversation really just leans towards Chase and him expressing his feelings through actions rather than words. . .his mom talks a bit about how hard the divorce was. . .it didn’t get too terribly deep. On a side note: If Jojo does pick Chase in the end and a wedding follows, rest assured between Chase’s mom and Jojo’s mom, craziness will ensue, I just hope someone gets the Cha Cha Slide on video. Chase and his sister have a little alone time, another conversation that kicks off with his parents divorce, I’m starting to see some therapy in his future. Anyway, the talk turns towards saying “I love you” to someone, which his sister seems to share the same hiccup when it comes to saying the big word. When Chase sits down with his mom, things become a bit emotional. Chase’s mom seems to really like Jojo and seems to be really supportive of Chase, in wherever his heart may lead him. The unshed tears finally fall, so I’m sure every girl watching had their own moment of #marrymechase. In the end and as awkward as it was, Chase gives Jojo the old “I’m falling in love with you” line and maybe that’s what Jojo needed to hear before she takes it all off for Chase #fantasysuites. On a side note: If Chase isn’t picked in the end, he made a very good campaign run for becoming the next Bachelor.
Up next. . .Jordan and Chico, California. From the word go, you can feel the chemistry between these two. You can’t fake that kind of excitement. On a side note: #skinnyjeansaintformen, please take that into consideration in the future, Jordan. Their first trip is back to Jordan’s high school and a trip down Rodger’s memory lane. They get a little making out time in the library, where Jordan pushes Jojo into some books before meeting her lip to lip. #upagainstthewall, must be Jordan’s battle cry, because it seems as if that is where he finds himself with Jojo an awful lot #fantasysuites. Once in the coach’s office, they walk into a literal version of #tbt. There are pictures everywhere and enough of Jordan that makes a BXTCH wonder if some redecorating was done right before this visit. Jojo does notice a picture of Aaron on the wall and points it out and Jordan just brushes it off (but more on that later). They then pop a squat on the bleachers and Jojo again asks about Aaron, Jordan basically tells her that there really isn’t anything to talk or worry about and that his family is excited to meet her. They arrive at the Rodgers homestead where Jojo gets to meet Jordan’s mom (Darla), dad (Ed), brother (Luke), and Luke’s gf (Lindsay). On a side note: Lindsay girl, that hair looks like it belongs in Texas, on a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader #wedoeverythingbiggerinTexas. This family dinner was a bit awkward, which I suppose is expected, but I was hoping that the allure that exists between Jordan and Jojo would carry over to the family. We did learn that Jordan was the “spicy child”, which I guess is better than calling your kids assholes. Luke takes Jojo away first and immediately the talk turns to Aaron (see below) then it turns into Luke “selling” Jordan’s attributes to Jojo, which I’m quite sure weren’t necessary, like at all. When it comes time for Jordan and Luke to have a little brother bonding, Luke just wants to make sure that Jojo is the one that makes Jordan happy, it was all very sweet, so I guess Aaron is missing out. Jojo’s talk with the pop was very typical, but went well. Just the traditional. . .I care for him. . .he’s a great guy. . .I know he’s worked for what he’s earned and he didn’t get it because of his brother (we can’t get one family member to not bring up Aaron, fuck, how many times have I typed his name?). . .Jordan gets a moment to discuss things with his mother, which was really her talking about how excited she was for him. The night ends well, but Jordan does admit in his confessional “It would have been nice to share Jojo with not only my parents and my brother Luke, but you know, Aaron as well.” I guess we couldn’t end things without one more mention of the brother who I refuse to now name. She does admit (to the camera, not Jordan) that she wants to tell Jordan that she loves him too, but the old wounds from Ben are still seeping in when that desire possesses her. . .good God girl, Let.It.Go, I mean, I don’t think she should be shouting love from the rooftops, you shouldn’t be saying the big word because you’re dating four men, albeit four very hot men, but that’s three too many at this point. Let’s leave Ben out of this one. While the night was certainly ending on a positive note, Jojo decides to bring up the same insecurities that she has voiced with Jordan almost from the beginning. She has this worry that Jordan isn’t serious about this, which leads me to believe that she is feeding into the tabloid lore that has been surrounding Jordan and his supposed reason for being on the show, which if rumor is to be believed, is to become #thenextbachelor. I guess we hove no choice but to wait it out, because from what ABC has shown in the finale preview, Jojo is upset with someone and this BXTCH has to wonder if that someone is Jordan??
BXTCH side commentary: Okay, I guess we’ve got to talk about the cheesehead in the room or I guess the lack of cheese in the room. Jojo is super caught up with Aaron and the distance he keeps from the family. I don’t know if ABC is telling her to bring it up or if she is just naturally curious. But, this BXTCH must confess something. . .“Who gives a fuck?”. I don’t think Jax Teller could force more information from this family about their “missing child”. The only thing that is consistently said is that they don’t really talk about it much and the only person hung up on it is Jojo (they didn’t say the last part, that was all BXTCH). Even if Aaron was a happy member of the Rodgers clan, I’m not sure he would be in California to meet Jojo, isn’t football season right around the corner and aren’t you a Cowboy fan?
Robby is taking us to Florida next and what Robby hopes will be a declaration of love from “his girlfriend”. Right from the beginning of this hometown, Jojo starts her confessional with how excited she is to see Robby and how expressive he is with his feelings and how much she has missed him. Is it just me or did I miss the episode where the steam was pouring off of the T.V. when Robby and Jojo were together? I’m not saying that it’s a dud, but out of the four remaining guys, it seems that Robby is still left in 8th grade Life Science and the rest of the boys are taking Advanced Anatomy. Robby takes Jojo on a carriage ride through St. Augustine that ends in a lunch where conversation quickly turns to the ex, Robby’s ex that is (see side commentary below). When they arrive at the Hayes’ home, we get to meet a lot of people. . .mom, dad (Coach Hayes), two sisters (Grace and Katie) and two brothers (Michael and Patrick) and a bil (Tyler) thrown in the mix. On a side note: Okay ABC, you’re taking this a bit too far. The fucking table was already set, with plates of food, when Robby and Jojo come into the house, while, mind you, the entire family is not even sitting at the table, no, no, no. . .they are sitting in the living room. I’m aware I’m not all fancylike, but it didn’t appear that the Hayes’ were either, how about, just once, we proceed as normal. And while lots of wine was consumed, it didn’t appear that any forks met the mouth. Robby first meets with his brothers and they all agree that Robby is certainly in love. This whole “pick me, pick me” game has stressed Robby the fuck out, he has gotten zero hours of sleep with multiple panic attacks. I’m not a M.D., but I would tell you to chill the hell out, get some sleep, and what happens, happens, you’re to pretty to hyperventilate. When Jojo sits down with the mama bear, she confesses there are feelings for Robby, and the thing I actually appreciated about Robby’s mom is, she asks Jojo if there are any questions she has for her. Jojo brings up the ex and her concerns for what Robby is actually feeling and where his head may be at if she does pick him. Mama must give her the reassurance that she is looking for, because she goes as far as telling his mom that she is falling in love with him, which she hasn’t shared those sentiments about any of the other guys, up to this point, so very interesting. When Robby sits down with his mother, she tells him that rumor has it, he broke up with the ex to go on the show, this seems to really upset him, to the point of pulling Jojo away from his sisters to confront this issue. He tells Jojo again that things ended when they got into a massive fight in December, even though, according to him, the relationship was dead in the water nine months prior. But he adds to the story, when he divulges that Hope (the ex) slapped him during this fight, which is when it ended and he hasn’t talked to her since. So, it seems that maybe things aren’t really resolved when it comes to Hope. Jojo starts to really question him and wants to make sure there is nothing he is hiding, He convinces her that there are no feelings and no surprises, where his ex is concerned. But trust is restored and kisses all around. While I’m not all about #teamrobby, I will defend him for a bit. When Jojo went to find love with Ben, she too was fresh out of a relationship, with the same ex that got brought up this season, and the guys had the same sort of concerns with her that she is having with Robby, and if we remember, this really upset her. . .#whatsgoodforthegoose. The date ends with some rain falling down on all of the lies (ahem. . .despair), but he does at least get in what could be a last kiss.
BXTCH side commentary: Sorry, but I had to take a detour. Jojo confesses to the camera that from early on in this game, Robby was the one she was most emotionally connected to and since Robby was the first guy to tell her he loved her, it just made their relationship much stronger. Step the fuck back. . .WHAT?? First, surely there has to be a “sweet spot” somewhere that cameras are not allowed, granted, I don’t know what it is that Jojo is really feeling, but if it’s sparks and flames and fireworks, that has not been translated well through the camera lens. Also, let’s play a game of rewind for a split second. When Olivia told Ben that she loved him, and then told Jojo that she whispered those 3 little words, Jojo says that there is no way she could even say that to someone without being sure that the feeling was reciprocated. At the end of the visit with Robby’s fam, she decides she trusts him because “Robby has been the most honest with his feelings”. I’m sure somewhere, Hope is sitting with a big ass bucket of popcorn screaming at the T.V. #beentheredonethatgotthetshirt. Somebody has got some blinders on here and it sure as shit ain’t Hope. We gotta talk about this ex. I’m gonna be jumbled during this, but hang with a BXTCH, it’ll work out in the end. On a previous episode, Robby talked about his childhood best friend and how his death sparked something in him, which led to his break-up with the ex, kinda a “cleaning out of the closet” if you will. Now, according to Robby, he and his ex girlfriend broke up at the end of December 2015, and Wikipedia says (I know, not a great source but. . .) casting for this season (#12) of The Bachelorette took place during season #11 of The Bachelorette, which aired from May 18-July 27 (2015). . .but, even if casting took place after Jojo was announced as the next Bachelorette (which happened on March 14), then we are looking at 3 or 4 months tops from the time of break-up to the time of filming. Someone needs to sort this out STAT, this just reeks of a hidden agenda. I would also like to point out the following. . .on last weeks episode, Robby tells Jojo that one of the issues with the relationship was. . .four years together, but he had never even seen her house, but when the subject of the ex and the rumors the ex’s roommate was tossing around, Robby automatically said “Alex?”, which is the roommates name. You have never been to her home, but you know her roommate? #thingsthatmakeyousquint #jojogetoutgirl
Luke may be last, but c’mon girl, we know he is not the least. This was my favorite hometown out of the four and that includes Chase’s date. I thought that Luke had already declared his undying love for Jojo, but the way the episode unfolds, it doesn’t appear as though that is the case. Luke is meeting Jojo in Burnet, Texas. Luke lives in a part of Texas that those who don’t reside here must think all of Texas is like (I hope that makes sense). Luke shows up with Jojo like any good Texan, at a family BBQ. And by family, I mean family and friends. It seemed as though Jojo really took to Luke’s family like only a true Texan can. While Luke did speak with his mom, looking for her insight, it seemed that he really was looking to his dad for advise. I think he was looking for words of wisdom, not only from a dad’s perspective, but from a husband’s point of view as well. The whole moment was very sweet and I almost felt like I was prying on a very sentimental moment. Of course, there was a picnic portion and this BXTCH was just happy that there was no wine around. #sweetteaistexaswine Luke went balls out with this hometown. He had horses and a hay bale couch set up, where he and Jojo had their own little one-on-one. While Jojo may admit that she isn’t sure whether or not Luke is in love with her, I have to say that his action definitely say he is all about her. He declares that the future he wants, includes Jojo. He ends the date with a walk down a candle lit aisle ending with a rose petal heart. Cheesy? Definitely. But, was every girl’s heart in America melting in unison? Fuck yeah. It was all very theatric, almost akin to a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Christ on a cracker, this girl is going to damage my liver. The rose ceremony starts very ominous. The guys arrive one by one to an aircraft hanger, they will be whisked off to their next destination once the final rose is handed out. Right before Jojo starts the process that will crush someone’s dreams, Luke asks to speak with her privately. He then tells her that he should’ve told her earlier, but he wanted her to know that he does love her. I should back you up a bit, while the guys were arriving and ABC was airing Jojo confessionals, she says that she is going to have to let Luke go. To say that this BXTCH screeched worse than a 13 year old meeting the Biebs, would be an understatement, holy shit, I almost went into cardiac arrest. But then Luke sweeps her away and tells her he loves her, which leaves Jojo in tears. Unable to even go back to the process that will lead her to her future, her decision is up in the air and we are left hanging with a serious case of blue balls, thanks ABC. One last side note: Next week we get the continuation on Monday and Men Tell All on Tuesday.
So, I’m now gonna say that it will be Jordan and Robby in the final two. However, I don’t really think either of them will be the next Bachelor. I think that will go to Chase, but I ain’t gonna hate on Luke getting picked.
“My heart is beating.” -Jojo
“You have been the most amazing son and you deserve the most amazing girl.” -Sandy (Chase’s mom)
“Like, I know who Jordan is, and I know who he is to me. He is nobody’s brother. He is a man I am falling in love with and I am crazy about.” -Jojo
“Jojo, he can’t even boil water.” -Luke’s Grandpa
I’m gonna make this one, very long final thought. I need to holler at you Jojo. My trust in you is dwindling by the episode. I’m not usually a conspiracy theory type of BXTCH, but I’m forming one as I type this. Okay, truth? I think the claims made by your ex were pretty spot on. I do think as soon as Ben broke your heart, you went right back to Chad. Look, I ain’t mad at ya. I understand. Unfortunately, I also believe him when he says you are in it for the fame. Now, hear me out. I’m not saying that you haven’t come around and are now taking this seriously, you may be. But, it fascinates me that you and Robby are in the same boat. You also broke up with somebody right before taking your leap with Ben. Your ex also was causing problems in your new quest for love. I need to get to the heart of my issue. Girl, you need to focus on you for a while. You started your journey for reality love when you were 24, prior to that, you were in a relationship for 2 years with Chad, putting you at 22, you confessed to Robby during hometowns that you were in a 4 year relationship prior to Chad, putting you at 18. And these ages are generous, I’m not allowing for any “rest period” in between loves. And now, you’re wanting to get married? Girl, it is okay to be single. Back to my conspiracy, I think you may be getting rid of Luke because you know he is serious about finding a wife, I believe Chase is as well. Which leaves Jordan and Robby, both of which seem to desire a bit of the fame monster and either of which you could pick, then end things and you won’t come out looking like a villain, which is why I think you ended things with James. Because let’s face it, you break Luke’s heart, there will be some pissed off BXTCHES blowing up your feeds. So, letting Luke go may be the right thing to do, just be careful for what you wish for. Fame may not be all it seems.
*Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Monday at 7pm CENTRAL and 8pm EASTERN. Men Tell All will be on ABC Tuesday at 7pm CENTRAL and 8pm EASTERN.