BXTCHES Gotta Warn: We took a week off so we could celebrate our independence and now Jojo and the boys are back. You should know that as I sit here and type up this re-cap, that Footloose is on, and I’m talking the Kevin Bacon Footloose, so that alone should be a clear indication of my commitment to the “Line Em’ Up and Pick Em’ Out” type of love. But I digress, let’s get on with tonight’s episode, because it had a BXTCH screaming at the T.V.
Two weeks ago on. . .There was a lot going on when we last saw Jojo. Wells finally got his one-on-one, only to come up short in the end, while Derrick and Chase were left to battle it out in a two-on-one where Jojo was feeling it a bit more with Chase than she was Derrick and we were then entertained by Derrick’s tears falling to a beautiful rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina”. In the end, Jojo just couldn’t bring herself to send any of the remaining six (Luke, Jordan, Chase, James, Alex, and Robby) home.
This week the guys are getting (3) one-on-one dates and (1) group date.
Before we even get to the first date card, the guys are sitting around their suite talking about the previous rose ceremony. When Alex and James were both spared and Jojo decided that she needed another week with the guys to make that decision, Alex was a bit offended. He referred to it as a “pity rose” and it seems that waking up in Argentina, still with the opportunity of making Jojo yours, is just not satisfying enough. When Chris arrives with the date card and tries to get a feel of what’s going through the guys’ heads, Alex expresses his confusion. Chris does somewhat put the frustration at ease when he tells the guys that he talks to Jojo regularly and the group of guys that remain are the ones that she wants around. The only other news that is dropped is that there is no longer a rose to be earned on the one-on-one dates, just the group date.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE: We weren’t surprised when the date card says. . .“Alex, I gaucho on my mind”. . .I mean, he is the only guy left standing who hasn’t been given a one-on-one date and he even says in his confessional that he wants to use this alone time with Jojo to give her a chance to fall in love with him. They’re taking a bit of a road trip to their next destination, so it allows some true alone time and the perfect opportunity to really get to know each other. You know it’s a true road trip when they bust out the pringles. Jojo wants to use this time to see how normal a real relationship with Alex would be. While the boys are busy rhyming about Alex (see below), Alex takes away any defense I may lay down for him when he too gets into the #whiteboyrap game and if my vagina was sad before (again, see below), it’s now down right suicidal (#vaginasuicide). His rap was. . .“Yo Yo, Jojo, gots to go to the liquor sto”, (hand to God, that is what he rapped), he then says to Jojo “that’s like my go to line” (direct quote), I now 100% understand why Alex’s dick is lonely is single. I’m baffled at this car ride though. At one point, it appears as if they are as uncomfortable as a woman in stirrups having to get her cervix poked and prodded. It’s not that complicated guys, use this time to really get to know one another. I mean I can come up with a ton of questions and topics of conversation. . .“what kind of music do you like to listen to on long road trips?”. . .”what’s your go to date?”. . .”what’s it like having a twin brother?”. . .”where did you learn to rap like that?”. . .”would you rather throw up every time you have an orgasm OR have your genitals smell like rotten eggs?”. . .it’s not hard folks, do I have to write the fucking script? They arrive at what I believe is a horse ranch to “play” gaucho, they even dress up. They get to ride horses in the countryside, which was romantic, they even get to watch a bonding moment between a horse and an actual gaucho, which seemed to move Jojo. Her and Alex even have a moment with the horse and each other (that sounds way more inappropriate than it was). Alex is really feeling the love. As the nighttime portion of the date arrives, during Alex’s confessional to the camera, he admits the following-“Today I came looking for some clarity in where I stand with Jojo and I finally got it, and it went great and it went exactly like I hoped it would. We’re both just connected at this point. I don’t see how tonight’s not gonna end even better than today. Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life.” That’s a huge turnaround from someone who thought he was given a pity rose, right? They start with talk about how the date went and how happy Jojo is that Alex kinda let himself go a bit and have fun. Conversation then moves to Alex’s family and who exactly would Jojo be meeting during the hometown dates and the dynamic of that. Alex then tells Jojo that he is falling in love with her, which I suppose is good news under most “Bachelorette” circumstances, but in the case of “Alex + Jojo sitting in a tree”, it gets uncomfortable quick. To just rip off the band-aid, Jojo tells Alex that when he tells her that he is falling in love with her, she just doesn’t get excited and in the end, she decides to send Alex home.
BXTCH side commentary: Okay, let’s talk Alex. He tells Jojo that he fell in love with her the minute he saw her or some sort of Disney bullshit. It gets even more “you have got to be kidding me”, when Jojo admits (during her confessional) that she was shocked when Alex dropped that nugget of information. Really? Shocked? First, she came off of a season with Lace, Olivia, and Jubilee, nothing should shock her at this point, but it’s not as if Alex hasn’t hinted around to love. In episode five, he even told Jojo that their relationship is the “realest” one he has ever had. How in the name of flawless, never run off the face, make-up, can she declare surprise? I’m not really a #teamalex groupie, but I can sympathize with our little Vanilla Ice wannabe, the date seemed to really be headed in the right direction. . .horseback riding. . .hand holding. . .sweet, romantic kisses. . .and then a “sorry, not really feeling your love, you gots to go”. Well Alex, I guess your declaration from above is kinda kicking you in the ass right now, but if it’s any consolation, my eight year old son was a huge fan of yours and had to fight back the tears when Jojo sent you packing. #truelove
Meanwhile, back at the hotel. . .The remaining guys are also taking a road trip to the next destination (which I believe is Canuelas, Argentina), they are just getting there via a bus. And as I fold my hands together, I ask for the guys on the bus to #nevereverrapagain. Look, I’m all about musical expression, hell, every time I step in the shower, I’m on the Grammy stage, but the whole #whiteboyrap that those fools laid down, even had my va-jay-jay turning in on itself. Not to mention they made fun of Alex’s height, I shouldn’t have to remind you boys that Alex is a Marine, he will fuck y’all up. The guys stop at a roadside restaurant where they dine on various types of “meat”, it did not look appetizing in the least, in fact, I believe that E! tweeted it best when they said something along the lines of “did the guys not learn anything from watching Bridesmaids?” or something like that, I’m sure the bathroom was very busy that night. They arrive at their next destination and I must admit, this part of Argentina is #vacaygoals for this BXTCH. When the date card arrives, Jordan gets the go-ahead and his second one-on-one. He’s certainly excited, but the rest of the wannabe grooms, not so much.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE: “Jordan, let’s toast to love”. Jordan takes off for his date with Jojo and he knows that he has something to prove. James threw him under the bus regarding some dumbass poker rules and then Jordan mentions something about having his character questioned two weeks in a row, I knew about the poker and entitlement that James brought to Jojo, but I can’t for the life of me think of what else has occurred, I know I’m missing something. Anyhow, Jordan feels like he really needs to up his game on this date. Jordan arrives at a private airstrip where Jojo is very happy to see him and they then take a private jet to Mendoza. They arrive at a vineyard and I guess get to have their very own “Lucy” moment when they smash grapes. . .with their feet. . .that they never even washed. . .they then drank the juice from the grapes #funkytoewine. I’ve seen my husbands feet, I’ll stick to the margaritas, thank you very much. They take the wine and their chemistry to the hot tub. The nighttime date brings lots of comfortableness and honesty (well, I hope he was being honest). The conversation between them just flows really well. Jordan admits that he hasn’t brought home a girl in years and if Jojo gets to meet his family, she would be meeting Luke (his oldest brother), but not Aaron. Because. . .wait for it. . .Jordan doesn’t even have a relationship with Aaron. I KNOW! This BXTCH was floored when he admitted that. Apparently, Jordan and him do not speak much because of the way that Aaron has “chosen to do life”. When Jojo asked Jordan if Aaron even knew he was doing the show, he said “I don’t think so”. He claims that the reason that football didn’t really work out for him is because he was constantly compared to Aaron, which I can understand that frustration, but why allow ABC to list that as your profession, if you’re trying to separate yourself then make a clean break, surely you have a job that doesn’t have “former professional football player” in its title, especially if you detest being compared to him. Jordan really opened himself up on this date, more so than any other time he’s been with Jojo, when he tells Jojo that he cares about her so much, she even comes back with a “me too”. So, he then tells her that he is so in love with her and that BXTCH comes back with a “that makes me so happy”, you know she’s in love, she just can’t say it. I’m telling you, this is the date that maybe sealed the deal. Once again, Jojo claims she had no idea that Jordan was going to tell her he was in love, #BXTCHplease, but if she winds up choosing Jordan and he hits his knee, this is the moment it all fell into place. On a side note, I’m pretty sure that Aaron is hanging out at Clay Matthews house with the other guys from the team watching how this is all playing out. #accalove #whosbootyliciousnow
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Meanwhile, back at the house. . .Chase and Luke discuss the current rundown of who is left, mainly Jordan and how he is a frontrunner at this point, which I think he has been the entire time. Luke says something about how if you have box seats to the Super Bowl every year, you’re automatically the frontrunner. I think that’s more of a slap to Jojo’s character than it is to Jordan’s. I don’t think Chase or Luke is going to be rooting for Jordan anytime soon. The date card arrives and it’s the announcement of the group date. . .Chase, James, and Robby. Which means the last one-on-one is going to Luke.
Group Date: Robby, Chase, and James
“Let our love soar.” My guess is that Jojo had something planned in the sky with the guys, but Mother Nature had other plans and the date moved inside. I’m confused because this date either brought the guys back to Buenos Aires and their hotel or the date actually took place prior to them leaving, I don’t know which, but either way, we are back in Buenos Aires. I’m not sure the date that Jojo had originally planned, but there is no way it would’ve topped the way the date turned out. They go to a suite and hang out. Jojo compares the date to the perfect slumber party and I’m pretty sure that’s the fantasy that these guys have. James plays a very dangerous game of Chubby Bunny, but with french fries, I’m super shocked Jojo wasn’t wearing a regurgitated mess after it was all said and done. On a positive, it made Jojo laugh and really put James’ sense of humor right out there. Jojo did make the guys massage one another, they played Pictionary, a Bachelor version of Headbands, Charades, Truth or Dare, which had Robby running down the hall in his underwear, boxer briefs, thank goodness. While I may be a bigger fan of Chase or Luke or Jordan, Robby’s body is hellahot and how he kept anything under lock and key when Jojo copped a feel, has this BXTCH baffled. James takes the bull and throws Robby straight under the bus by telling Jojo that the gorgeous women of Argentina has Robby turning his head. They all three find themselves in bed watching the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. James continues to fill Jojo in on Robby’s wondering eye, but the strangest thing of the whole date is how they find themselves arranged in the bed. Jojo is between Chase and Robby, James is toward the middle/foot of the bed, laying back on Jojo with his arms stretched out over Chase’s waist and Robby’s legs. Definitely a moment that needed to be captured on film. They each get there one-on-one time with Jojo and Robby is up first. Of course, the convo turns to the hometowns and Robby’s last girlfriend. I guess at some point, Robby confessed to Jojo that his family wasn’t very big fans of his last girlfriend. This is where my “what the fuck” senses get turned up. Here is what Robby says about his last love. They dated for three years/he never had seen her house/he only met her mom once. He then tells Jojo that they broke up over Christmas break (Christmas 2015), which at the time that this was filmed, was 4 1/2 months prior. Apparently, they had some sort of big fight, one that there is no recovery from (his words). He admits that he is grateful for the way things turned out and it’s sort of the reason he is even on the show. Now, of course, Jojo questions whether or not he has had any time to really mourn the loss of that relationship and move on, to which he reassures her how serious he is. He would’ve gotten down on one knee if allowed. The reason I’m even telling you ALL of that is because, back in episode five, when Robby got his one-on-one and he confessed his love to Jojo, he also tells her the story of how he lost a childhood friend and that loss forced him to make some life changing decisions, one of those being breaking with his longtime girlfriend. This could be what the fight was about with her, but why not re-visit that story? He only said that their fight was one you can’t come back from. Why not just say after my friend died, I had to re-evalutae my life and she didn’t fit in? Something is not right about this and this BXTCH is starting to think that there is some truth to the stories of Robby breaking up with a long time girlfriend, just so he could come on to the Bachelorette. I know that was a lot of rambling, but it’s got “stink” written all over it. Her time with Chase is spent talking about how much of a game changer the whole ordeal becomes once families get involved. The only “L” word he uses is “like” as in “I actually do, really, really like you a lot”, so no “love”, but he does say he’s ready to spend the rest of his life with her. Who needs love when you’re throwing around “forevers” and “marriage”? When it’s time for James to convince Jojo, he wants to talk about the emotional connection that he has with Jojo versus the physical connection that she has with the other guys. She spreads it on thick when she tells him that he is what she sees in a husband and father. I don’t know, I think she’s giving that some false hope and when it’s all said and done, he’s self-esteem may take another hit. Even though James tried to get Jojo to turn on Robby, she must’ve really liked what she saw in those boxers, because he captures the rose. I ain’t mad at ya, girl! Because he gets the rose, he gets some alone time with Jojo, which seemed to include some rooftop lovin’.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE: Luke is up and every time Jojo gets some personal time with that tall drink of water, I forget all about her chemistry with Jordan. Jojo does well with this date, she puts Luke smack down in his element. . .horses. He gets the opportunity to really impress her, which thickens the sexual tension between the two of them even more. They also do a bit of skeet shooting, again, right in Luke’s wheelhouse, especially when he advises Jojo on how to shoot. Oh yeah. . .Jojo is feeling this. Luke doesn’t get a “nighttime” date, but he does get the chance to have a pretty deep chat with Jojo which includes talk of meeting the fam and the future and then some non-verbal communication. Luke + Jojo is giving Jordan + Jojo a run for the money, they must really forget all about the cameras when their body language kicks in, I am really waiting for the line to get crossed and for one of them to say “fuck it” (literally and figuratively), let’s go somewhere else. When her date with Luke comes to an end, she decides that her mind is made up and to skip the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony.
Since Jojo wants to go straight to the rose ceremony, then we will go straight to the rose ceremony. This was certainly a difficult one for our girl, one that she most likely fought herself over, but hey, it ain’t called “Brother Husbands”, to get to your forever, someone has to go. It comes down to James and Chase, with James not given the chance to take Jojo home to meet the family. This was one rough, James allows Jojo to walk him out, where it goes from barely hanging on to completely lost. Jojo apologizes and give the obligatory “You mean so much to me” speech, which I think she genuinely meant. It doesn’t help when she tells him that he is going to make some girl very happy, because he rebuffs that with basically telling her that is what everyone says, but it hasn’t yet happened. I didn’t think James would find his fairy tale with Jojo, but it was still sad to see him have to say good-bye. On another side note: Again, what in the good Lords name kind of make-up are they using over at ABC. Jojo is about to go into her ugly cry and not a smudge is to be seen or a streak to be had. Are you fucking kidding me? I went to a Texas Ranger game the other night and only one hour in and my mascara is already setting up house under my eyes, that shit is not cool.
I’m still leaning toward Luke, Jordan, and Chase for my final three. I think that Robby has a shot, especially after seeing previews of the final episode, I just think it’ll be Luke and Jordan fighting to give away their name in the end. Although, I’m not as confident as I once was.
“If you were to envision the perfect slumber party, I have it all covered.”-Jojo
“I’m your goocho” -Alex
“I thought I wasn’t a frontrunner for a million football games and a million races in my life that I ran, that I fought. Are you kidding me? Why am I here? That’s a crazy question, I mean you fight for everything, right? It doesn’t matter who’s the front runner.”-James
“My emotions tell me that I am a front runner.”-Robby
(I’m basing this on next week’s previews) I’ve already had my rant about Robby, but it seems some things come to light after/while Jojo is meeting his family. ABC has already shown the trailer for the final episode and it seems that something does occur (#scandalous), which leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe, it’s Robby in the final episode. If Robby is using this season to become next season’s Bachelor, well. . .homeskillet, you are doing it all wrong and it’s obvious you haven’t watched any previous Bachelorette seasons (nor have I), but I suspect that it’s the good guy who gets picked.
James Taylor. . .let me bend your ear just for a moment. One-on-one. . .woman to man. . .heart to heart. I know you’re devastated and I do believe your feelings for Jojo were genuine, but listen up, buttercup. A year ago, you may have been able to say “when is the right girl going to come along”, you may have even thought that Jojo was “the one”, but I cannot emphasize enough that you got it going on. You’re funny as fuck, you’re adorably cute (I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, sorry), you are a true gentlemen, who seems that whoever is lucky enough to steal your heart, you will worship the ground that lady walks on, you can sing and write songs (that certainly ups your “hotness”, trust a BXTCH). So see, no need to fret, when Jojo says that whoever it is that finds her way into your heart is going to be lucky. . .she will truly be blessed. And hey, you’ve just given many women a sneak peek into your offerings, get ready, your life is about to get really busy.
ABC, if you want us BXTCHES to really believe in the truthfulness of this reality love, then allow the tears to flow. When Jojo had to tell James goodbye, the tears that fell from those beautiful eyes were probably the most authentic tears that she has shed this season, but because of some really inconvenient editing, during her conversation, the tears disappeared. C’mon, we want to fell the pain of heartache too..
As great as this episode was, one of the great things to come out of it was a preview of Bachelor in Paradise. While I only have Ben’s season of The Bachelor and this season of The Bachelorette under my belt, I can with confidence ask. . .Can you really go wrong when Chad, Daniel, Evan, The Twins, Lace, Jubilee (just to name a few) come together in the name of hotness? Yeah, I didn’t think so. My only dilemma is going to be Bachelor in Paradise vs. the Olympics, oh thank heaven for DVR.
Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Monday at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL
