BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Okay, okay, I know I’m late with this once again. But, thanks to a rain delay in New York, I found myself finishing up the Ranger game well past 1 am, but we won, so it was well worth it. And then this morning, I wake up to the terribly sad news that Pat Summitt has passed and that delayed me further, but now, I’m ready to go. So, let’s get started.
Last week on. . .ABC kind of left us hot and heavy by thinking that Chad wasn’t going to take losing out to Alex lying down and made his way back to the house. All we actually was rewarded with was a Chad and Jordan handshaking battle, Chad’s refusal to apologize, and Evan still wanting his shirt replaced. It was like the equivalent of a very disappointing dance between the sheets. You know, the man (ABC) built it up to be this monumental performance, then it was really over before it began and the only pleasure was awarded to the two pump chump and you’re left with a “what the fuck just happened” moment. In the end, Chad was still gone and joining him were James F., Daniel, Evan, and Vinnie.
Wells, Jordan, James T., Robby, Alex, Derrick, Luke, and Chase are still going strong.
This week we find the lovebirds in Buenos Aires, Argentina and we will get (1) one-on-one date, (1) group date, and (1) two-on-one date.
The episode kicks off with Jojo and Chris having a little heart to heart and Jojo actually admitting how she now understands how easy it was for Ben to fall in love with two people.
ONE-ON-ONE Date: Let’s just jump right in on this date. Wells is given the honors with the special message: “Wells, Bésame. . .Bésame, Muchacho” We learn right out of the gate that Wells is the only one of the remaining guys who has yet to swap some spit with Jojo. How do we know this? I guess the clue was in the message, but he does tell the guys and his admission is followed by some really awkward silence. While it may have been awkward for them to hear, I do think that the guys were glad to hear the news. It doesn’t help that the guys are really planting some doubt in the head of Wells right before he leaves for his date. Here’s the thing, I’m not upset that Wells hasn’t kissed Jojo yet, technically speaking, he is just now going on his first date with her and even when they’re on group dates, who wants to stick their tongue in someone’s mouth after multiple guys have had their tongue in that particular mouth, know what I mean? The date takes them to a performing arts show and right from the beginning, Wells has the perfect opportunity to get up in it, but backs off. After watching some of the art perform, Wells and Jojo get to recreate it. One of the acts involves a suspended, see through, swimming pool of sorts and they get to “slip n’ slide” all over it, another perfect, very sexual opportunity. So does he finally take the plunge, literally? Yes, yes he does. It would’ve been much better if the kiss stayed more natural and organic, with Jojo cheering him on it kinda turned it into a “Can’t Buy Me Love” moment. You know, the geeky kid finally gets to kiss the popular cheerleader. When they hit the dinner portion of the one-on-one, Jojo wants to know about his ex and it wasn’t really a scandalous story. He had a long term relationship that took two people from lovers to friends, a relationship that just burned out. When the conversation turns to the “what I want in my soulmate” discussion, it’s pretty unmistakable that her and Wells are not really on the same page. Not that Wells doesn’t want a strong soulmate, Jojo just wants the whole fucking fairy tale and this BXTCH certainly thinks she shouldn’t stop until she is sitting pretty on top of her unicorn. Unfortunately for Wells, Jojo doesn’t really see her relationship moving forward with him and decides to not give him the rose. It wasn’t easy for her at all and while I didn’t think that Wells would make it to the end, it was sad to see him go. It’s even more dramatic when Jojo goes back to the performing arts center all alone.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .We’re back to Cosmos and hair braiding, well actually, wine and gossip, but isn’t it really the same thing? Of course the round table discussion today is Wells and how slow his relationship is progressing with Jojo and whether or not they believe that Wells is going to make it back to the hotel after the date. Jordan says “I don’t” when he is asked if he thinks Wells is coming home. Interestingly, the only guys having this discussion are the “Mean Girls” clique. Both Luke and James T. must have better things to do. Maybe they’re somewhere, down on one knee, practicing exactly what it is they will say when Jojo presents them with the opportunity at their own ever after.
Group Date: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James T., Alex
“Living la vida Boca”. Now that the group dates are getting smaller and smaller, insecurities are certainly coming out to play and James T. is really making a list. It doesn’t help when they join a pick-up game of soccer and included on the team is a swimmer, a football player, a marine, a rancher/ex-military, and. . .a singer songwriter. No worries though, because when they choose to trade penalty kicks for kisses, the underdog gets the kiss. Well, I guess that the soccer game was the daytime portion of the date, because all of a sudden we are at the cocktail party. Luke and Jojo do not do much talking, they are certainly communicating without using words, in fact, things couldn’t have been more heated if they were in a bedroom alone or up against the wall with nothing but air between them. Move over Jordan because Luke is claiming his and her name is Joelle Fletcher. James T. gets his chance to maybe one up Luke, but let’s face it, that was never going to happen. James went a different route to woo Jojo, he decided to rat on Jordan. Now, I thought he was going to fill us in on something super juicy, so my ears were ready for the Jordan bomb that James was about to drop. So, what was it? Are you salivating yet? Jordan and James had a disagreement about a rule during a card game and Jordan won out in the end. Yep. That was it. James thinks he is looking out for the best interest of Jojo by telling her what exactly? Not to play cards with Jordan. I haven’t played Monopoly with my husband in 13 years because he is a fucking cheater when it comes to buying and selling property, but does this change my love for him? No. So, here you go Jojo, some much guarded marital advice from someone who has been locked down for 17 years. . .if you decide to say “I do” to Jordan, don’t play cards with him. Thanks James. You used your time to tell Jojo what every married couple in America already knows-use caution when playing games with your spouse. He then accuses Jordan of being entitled and just out for fame, which could be true, but I haven’t seen that side of him yet on the show. Even after running to mommie to tell on Jordan, James does manage to get in some smooch time, but not without asking her first, awww, always the polite one. I can see James and Jojo remaining friends after this, I just don’t think we’ll be seeing a Jojo Taylor anytime soon. The thing that sucks ass about James vs. Jordan, is Jordan’s time with Jojo is only focused on that one issue. It also doesn’t help that Jojo tells Jordan that it was James who brought the concern to her. So, not only did we have to deal with a tattle tell (thanks a lot James) but we also missed out on the white hot heat that Jordan and Jojo create (thanks again, James). In the end, we either missed Jojo’s time with Alex and Robby or they didn’t get time with Jojo, but it didn’t matter because Luke and the sexual chemistry he created with Jojo got the rose. I’m sure you’re wondering what became of the James vs. Jordan showdown. . .here’s what I have to say about that. They were fucking fighting over poker rules. They should’ve just admitted to fighting over dick size and Jordan said “according to the rules of measuring your dick you pull it up to your belly button and start at the ballsack” and James said “no, no, no, you’re supposed to start at the base, you big dummy”, that’s how pointless the whole argument was and how stupid it was to even bring the argument to mama.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .The two-on-one date card arrives and surprise, either Chase or Derrick will be packing their bags. When Derrick tries to be a bit laid-back and joke about the date, Chase gets a little offended and reminds Derrick that he is taking this seriously. In fact, I was just waiting for Chase to lay down a:
Because really, who doesn’t have Chase down as the Gretchen Wieners of the Mean Girl clique. Am I right?
TWO-ON-ONE Date: “It takes two”. Does it? In this particular date, I suppose it does, because they will be doing a bit of the Tango. I guess the passion behind the Tango is being torn between two fellas, well at least in Jojo’s case it is. If she’s basing her decision on the passion that Chase and Derrick bring to the dance floor, she may want to go ahead and send them both home and maybe even pack her bags as well, because that dance had a lot of things, passion just wasn’t one of them. The nighttime portion of their date brings them to a ménage à trois dinner if you will. Derrick gets his go at Jojo first and their conversation was about as passionate as the dance they shared. While Jojo was appreciative of the affection Derrick was putting out there, it was disingenuous at best. It’s not that I think his feelings for Jojo are fake, but for him to tell her that she is the greatest woman he has ever met (or some shit like that) is just crazy talk. When she sweeps Chase away for his one-on-one, things get a bit more serious. When the topic of feelings gets brought up, you know how the script reads. . .Chase: “I’m starting to feel things for you” Jojo: “I do have strong feelings for you”, Jojo then lets Chase know that she feels that he isn’t reciprocating the same feelings and that he isn’t really giving Jojo what she is giving him. Basically in a nutshell, Chase is to Jojo as Jojo was to Ben. So, is it really fair to hold his restraint against him? Of course, Chase had no idea that he wasn’t giving Jojo the assurance that she needed and his confidence is waning by the minute. He finally does lay it all out on the line and all the confirmation he needs comes via Jojo’s lips. Derrick is left without a rose and in tears as he drives away a single man. I’m not sure who at ABC comes up with the dramatics on this show, I’m thinking it’s somebody who maybe used to work for General Hospital, because it was straight out of a soap opera. Derrick is pulling away in the SUV, talking about how he’s not perfect, he’s just Derrick, and Chase and Jojo are headed into a ballroom while the entire scene is being serenaded by a beautiful woman with a phenomenal voice and to make it even that much more “Luke and Laura” like (sorry, that’s my only GH reference), she is singing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina”, and the whole time the camera goes from Chase/Jojo to Derrick crying. However, I’m pretty sure he isn’t crying for Argentina.
Men’s Health Clinic has been generic viagra pill serving its clients for more than 5 minutes. Scientific studies can very rarely find any concrete proof that any food cheapest price for levitra would serve that much purpose in stimulating libido. Ed would be a first step in the right direction. cialis uk I was given a small packet or I can call it a sachet of Kamagra Oral Jelly and I guess it had a sweet flavor to it which can be helpful enough for treating erectile dysfunction, which is the inability of a man to achieve or maintain an erection. viagra without prescription uk BXTCH side commentary: Good Lord, I hate to beat a dead horse. You know I don’t really like that saying too much, who in the fuck beats a dead horse? What I should say is that I really hate to harp on the same thing over and over and over and over. . .annoying, right? I have no doubts that Derrick is upset. In fact, I’m quite certain he thought it was going to be Chase crying over Argentina. But can we please stop with the “I thought this was my chance to be happy, but I guess not” crap? Look, I know, anytime you lose someone it’s going to be painful, I mean, I had a crush on the same guy for three years in high school. Three fucking years. Never got the time of day from him, not that I tried, I’m a bit on the shy side (I know, whoa!, right?). Wanna know why I didn’t get upset when we went to Cancun for our senior trip and me and a friend wound up back in his room* (it wasn’t any kind of a ménage à trois dinner, promise) and I was woken up by them fucking? Because he was never mine. You can’t lose something that doesn’t belong to you. . .and Derrick, Jojo never belonged to you. So, you wipe those tears and you climb right back up on that unicorn and you go find yourself an Argentina worth crying over.
The cocktail party is upon us and Jojo is dressed to the nines, I’m talking red carpet worthy. We are getting to the point where I believe that ABC has finally turned 100% of the decision making over to Jojo and you can see that it’s starting to get really difficult. The only two with roses are Chase and Luke, that leaves three roses for four guys. Jordan has some work to do because of the incident at the group date. He wastes no time with putting it out there and telling Jojo that he wants marriage and he is wanting and starting to fall in love with her. Jojo is very receptive to Jordan’s declarations and he is back in the game. Alex is the only remaining guy who hasn’t received a group date rose and he hasn’t had a one-on-one yet. He doesn’t hold back in voicing his concerns to Jojo and she basically confirms that she feels that she hasn’t had enough time with any of them. James seems to be a sweet guy, but his insecurities are really starting to wreak havoc on his position. I think he makes a mistake by letting the insecurities escape when he sits down with Jojo. It’s almost like he is starting to play the “I know I’m out of your league, but please give me a chance” card. I don’t know, I could be way off base with the whole James and Jojo sitting in a tree, I guess we’ll find out.
First, let me give props to whomever it was who decided to line up the boys like a blooming flower with Alex as the bud in the middle, it was very pleasing to the eye. Second, someone over at ABC must’ve gotten their loins teased a whole lot with no follow through and now they are deciding to torture America. The promise of an amazing climax is there, you’re just not giving us that final flick we need to push us over the edge. In the previews, we see Jojo pick up the final rose, then walk away with it, saying “I’m sorry”, and when Chris tries to figure out what’s happening, she says “I don’t know what I’m doing”. . .”I don’t want to give this rose out”, so were all at home about to reach our “Oh God” moment, because we KNOW she is about to send two motherfuckers home and how “Ben” is that, right? Then she goes back in with NO ROSE, so we are on track to lose both James and Alex. What happens next? Chris brings out two roses and both James and Alex are safe. No climax, no drama, no tears, it’s like she’s not even trying. Although it was fun to see James almost break down worse than a middle aged woman (that would be me) watching an extremely moving episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, in the end, we only lose Wells and Derrick this week, with: Luke, Jordan, Chase, Alex, Robby, and James still alive to walk down the aisle.
My final three still remains: Luke, Jordan, and Chase with one of them being the next Bachelor. I think Alex may be gone next week. He is pissed about the “pity rose” (his words) that he and James received and I do believe that the pressure is getting to the Marine.
“Why am I. . .Why am I crying?” -Derrick
“I can’t believe he hasn’t kissed her yet, I haven’t been able to keep my hands off her.” -Robby
“I never thought that my first kiss with Wells, could potentially be my last.”-Jojo
“Are you left-footed?” -Jojo
Jojo must really think that relationships and marriages are always just cookies n’ cream ice cream. I really hate to do this to you girl, but real life is sometimes you getting pissed off, then realizing you’re wrong, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to admit that you’re wrong about being pissed off, so you stay pissed off. Or, the moment you realize how truly blessed you are with patience and you know this because you have yet to suffocate your true love just to stop the snoring. See, true love really does trump all. . .murderous intent. . .monopoly cheaters. . .can’t load the dishwasher properly. . .but you know you’ll die loving them and there is really no one better to handle your brand of crazy.
I hope that I haven’t come across as someone who doesn’t like James. I actually think that out of all the guys on this season, he seems like he would be the absolute best husband. However, I just don’t see him as Jojo’s husband. Unfortunately, I don’t see him as the next Bachelor either, although if he did get picked, I would be very pleasantly surprised. James, this is from me to you: you have got to work on yourself. You’re very attractive and while you may believe that you don’t play in the same league as the remaining guys, here’s what you have: humor, and while this BXTCH may not speak for all of ’em out there, being funny is super sexy and you have funny in spades. Just lose the “I’m not good enough for her” mantra and change it to “any girl would be lucky to be on your arm” and you’re golden. Plus, you can play the guitar AND write songs. So, let’s add it up: you’re adorably cute, you can make a girl laugh, then make her swoon by breaking out the guitar. Panties don’t stay on long with that kind of resume.
*This is most certainly a true story. The friend and I got locked out of our hotel room, he allowed us to crash in his. I was woken up in the middle of the night by two of the loudest fucking kissers on the planet. I laid there contemplating what in the world to do, when I finally just said “fuck it” and. . .walked out of the room (you thought that was going to go a different way, didn’t you? You dirty BXTCH, I like the way you think). She claims they never fucked, I just know differently.
Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL
