BXTCHES Gotta Warn: And yes, this is most certainly a warning. This particular episode had this BXTCH yelling at the television, it was that off putting. Tonight’s episode was just part one, part two continues tomorrow (06.07) night and from the look of things, tonight was just a warm-up. Also, this is another long ass re-cap (I mean super long), I can’t really control or help myself, I’m a bit of an oversharer and this is what happens when we get episodes that are 2 hours long.
Last Week On. . . Last week’s episode was really just a precursor to what ABC had in store for the next two nights and that is. . .Chad. He successfully reached #1 tool status just by doing pull-ups with a suitcase full of his “supplements” attached to his waist. He further cemented that position (with the guys anyway) when he refused to drop to his knees and gush over Jojo to Jojo (I was actually okay with that one) during the group date. He also began to let some true colors start to fly and that color would that be, you ask? Red. . .as in anger. . .as in he gets so mad you can see the veins bulge from his body. . .as in “didn’t ABC properly vet these contestants before the show began?”, well I’m sure you get the point, the dude has some very serious issues that probably need to be worked out in a professional office of some sort. Also, we lost James S., Brandon, and Will. With that elimination, we dropped our “wannabe husband” number down to just 17, so the odds are starting to move to someones favor.
Tonight’s episode will consist of one group date and two one-on-one dates.
When the episode kicks off, it proves one thing. . .men are fucking pigs. The house is just littered with dirty dishes and, as Robby so eloquently put it, Chad’s meat plates are all over the counter. Now, I get it, ABC most likely provides the mansion with a cleaning service, but c’mon, you guys can’t open up the dishwasher, throw in a load, and hit start? It really is that simple. And think about it like this, even if Jojo doesn’t pick you (which for 16 of you, that’s what’s gonna happen) when all is said and done, some lady out there is watching this show and imagining her future with you in it, how impressive will it be when she sees that you can actually be a bit domesticated. It’s a win win for all.
ONE-ON-ONE Date: I’m super excited that Chase is the one awarded the one-on-one date this week. He didn’t get a date last week and instead of sitting around and crying in a tub of ice cream (like the other two, who ironically went home) he used his time during the rose ceremony and really knocked Jojo off of her feet. The only clue Chase is given is. . .“Let’s Get Physical”. When the news is delivered, Chad certainly channeled his inner Olivia. He wonders why he wasn’t chosen, but then goes on to say that he knows he is in a better place with Jojo, more so than anyone else in the house and the reason he has yet to receive a one-on-one is because she is just “taking her time” with him (Chad), oh. . .and he has no worries (his words). Now the date with Chase becomes a little more sexual than I was even expecting. They do yoga. I know what you’re thinking. . .pretty innocent, right? No, no and no. Interestingly enough, the instructor straight off asks them how long have they have been intimate with one another. Really? Like that bitch doesn’t know she is about to give The Bachelorette and date a private yoga lesson. There are cameras in there for fuck sake, what did she think was about to happen? The yoga clothes that they have picked for Chase are not going to do much to hide any excitement that may overcome him, unless he is wearing some really good compression shorts. The yoga begins and all is well, except for the “angergasms” that they must demonstrate (just Google it) and then we get a bit naughty, I ain’t mad at ya, ABC! The instructor “instructs” Jojo to straddle Chase (called a Yib Yab?), wrapping her legs around his waist and then looking into each others eyes while taking deep breaths. Well, this lasted all of about 30 seconds before Chase said “fuck it” and dove right into Jojo’s mouth. It was much sexier than I’m describing. Oh and by this time, they are both down to bare necessities, Chase in just athletic shorts. . .no shirt. . . lots of sweat. . .with a torso tattoo. . .YUM! While Jojo, in only a sports bra and spandex, has got to be eliciting some sort of reaction in Chase Jr., Trust a BXTCH, it was one yoga move away from turning into a scene from Skin-A-Max. Chase ain’t got to worry about the no date last week, he more than made up for it during yoga. The nighttime portion of their date of course takes them to their fake dinner, which appeared to some sort of chicken dish. Funnily enough, Jojo felt the connection with Chase while she was straddling him, I’m not sure if she meant physically or metaphorically (is that the right word or should I say emotionally?). Chase opens up to Jojo regarding his feelings on marriage and how his parents’ divorce really led him to believe that marriage should be a one time type of thing. Of course, she gives Chase the rose and then leads him out to a private concert by Charles Kelley (Lady Antebellum), which was very romantic but a bit weird, all at the same time. I think all in all, Chase is moving up my favorites scale and even Jojo herself said “This is the start of something really amazing, I can feel it.”
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .The boys decide to work out, which I’m all for observing, if it wasn’t so weird. First, the shorts that Daniel is wearing can compete with that of a woman’s, not to mention, he does this really weird arm exercise that apparently forces him to stick out his bum as if he is about to sit on a toilet, but doesn’t want to actually touch the toilet with himself, soooo sexy (be still my heart). Chad is channeling his inner Hulk while Daniel looks on and Evan is doing some very strange squats in some sea foam color shorts, that looks like he may have borrowed from Daniel. It really just appeared that he was only doing squats to make it seem as if he exercised daily or maybe he was wanting to just get an eyeful of Chad and Daniel, who really knows.
Group Date: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinnie, Nick, Evan, Alex, & Chad
I’m not sure if Chad is just someone who likes to start shit or if he is someone who is just brutally honest and it comes across as him being a jackass, possible it’s a bit of both, but when the names for the group date are announced Chad simply states: “Honestly, I don’t even want to go. I’d rather you guys go and do your thing and just get a one-on-one later.” It’s certainly time for a bit of. . .
BXTCH Side Commentary: I have so many things going through my head with the “Reading of the Group Date” card. First, the guys were pissed when Chad made the comment about not even wanting to go. It’s almost as if the other 16 guys aren’t competing to be Jojo’s one and done. Who gives a fuck if he doesn’t want to go? If he were to follow through on his tirade, then he turns out to be the one who looks like a assclown to Jojo, so I don’t get why everyone is so upset, he wants what everyone in the house wants. . .a one-on-one date with Jojo. Calm the fuck down. There were some threats of “taking it outside” and “I’m not scared of you”. Just do a quick circle jerk to get rid of this built up tension, while finally finding out whose dick is actually bigger, so we can put everyone at ease, it’s all about having a little more love and a lot less rage. Back to the group date.
. . .In one of the limo’s on the way to meet up with Jojo, Alex makes the suggestion that someone needs to basically rile Chad up in front of Jojo, so she can see the real Chad. Spoiler Alert!! It’s not going to be Alex that does the dirty work. The guys arrive at a small theater, where on stage a woman is channelling her inner “Sally” and having what appears to be an orgasm (fully clothed, standing at a microphone). Man, there are a lot of “gasms” happening in this episode. In Vinnie’s confessional, he describes the lady as “breathing heavily” and he has never heard anything like that. Really Vinnie? Never? You may want to reevaluate how you do things, it was quite obvious what was happening with “Sally”. Anyway, the purpose of the date is for each of the guys to take the stage and in front of an audience, describe their deepest, darkest, sexual secrets. What the actual fuck ABC? Who is coming up with this shit? First, I believe Jojo was somewhat buzzed. She was throwing her hands in the air a lot, rubbed on Jordan a lot (not that he’s complaining), just actions that seemed to have a lot of liquor behind it. Second, all this date did, was really make the guys uncomfortable and not in a “fun, you know you liked it” way, more in a “TMI, please don’t ever tell that story again” way. Even James F., says to the camera “Mom, you’re gonna have to turn off the T.V. and not turn it back on. . .ever. . .again”. For the love of B.O.B’s everywhere, who wants to discuss this in front of an audience? Well, okay, I would, but I’m also not competing for a walk down the aisle. If you think that the premise of the date sounds weird, it was beyond what you could even conceive. Let’s get back to the Chad Production. He’s not even sure if he wants to participate in this experiment. Why? I’m glad you asked. He doesn’t want to share his sexual past and he doesn’t want to know about hers, he’s not really sure how this is beneficial to his future with Jojo and he feels that his sexual past is something that she has to earn and she hasn’t yet. Time for another. . .
BXTCH Side Commentary: Okay, let’s discuss Chad for a moment. Violence aside because I’m gonna get to that later. I have to agree with what Chad is saying, all of it makes total sense. Any part of your sexual history should be private and should be information earned by your potential lover. I think the problem the guys in the house have with him, is the fact that he’s not there to make friends, he’s there to win over Jojo. Haters gonna hate. Jojo continues to discuss (in her confessional) about how important sex is in a relationship, which I couldn’t agree with more, however her constant emphasis on this detail tells me a couple of things. One, it’s no longer a mystery of whether or not her and Ben bumped up against one another in the fantasy suite last season, they most definitely got down to the business. Two, this should give a couple of guys this season high hopes of what they can expect when they are offered the key. As long as the sex stories that are shared on stage aren’t re-visited, you should be okay.
. . .Evan has decided to use the stage as his way of getting back at Chad, who apparently, according to Evan the Weenie, broke some sort of man code, maybe he uses Cialis instead of Viagra, who knows what man code rule was broken. Although I’m quite sure every man code rule is being broken, based on the fact that you are living in a house with 16 other dudes who are all fighting to be with the same woman, but what do I know. When it’s the Weenie’s turn to share, he decides to use his Erectile Disfunction knowledge and tie that in with steroid use and what ‘roids do to ones goodies and he creates a whole soliloquy with it. Obviously he is talking about Chad, which was mighty brave of Evan, considering he must walk past Chad to get back to his seat, while Chad is walking past him to get to the stage, people (Evan) are shoved, shirts (Evan’s) are ripped, it was loads of testosterone riddled fun. Since I had to sit through the uncomfortableness that was this episode, I will share some of that awkwardness with you BXTCHES. Fair is fair. Grant got caught by the police whilst trying to rid himself of his virginity. We learned that Nick was 16 when he went down on a girl and thought that the alphabet trick would work and we got to see the demonstration minus the available vag. Lord, I pray he has other tricks up his sleeves these days. Jordan was talking about being naked, flaccid, and forgetting to fluff. Not too sure if this was a story that involved his years on a practice squad or if this actually was about a female, we didn’t get the whole lowdown. Ali made out with a girl who had a mustache. Vinnie stripped down to his boxers because I suppose that would make him telling the story of how his mother walked in on him, more comfortable. Daniel tied someone up and cut someone’s hair off while Wells participated in a threesome that involved someone farting. Remember last season with Ben and Olivia did that really strange dance where she popped out of a cake? Remember how awkward and room silencing it was? Chad just had his Olivia moment, I swear those two are meant to be. Anyway, he calls Jojo to the stage, says something about how the past is the past, tries to kiss her, but she turns her head and he gets her cheek. You could hear a pin drop, not really a pin as much as the other men using that opportunity to hoot and holler, all at Chad’s expense. This causes Chad to punch a door and come up on Evan, who still can’t or won’t stand up for himself, it all turns into a disaster really quick. They all wanted to rile Chad up and when he gets riled, they’re all shocked and start in with the “it was all in good fun”. What they really did was just wake the beast. When the nighttime portion of the date begins, everything is going really well. Jordan’s time with Jojo did the trick. He talked about his last relationship and why he is so cautionary. They kiss, and seriously you can feel the chemistry, so you know he’s sticking around a while. Alex claims to be “ride or die”, which seems to be a pretty serious thing to claim after just a week. After Chad tries to disrupt Nick’s time with Jojo, Jojo decides to ask Nick about the situation with Chad. When Chad joins the rest of the fellas, they start to ask him about his “performance”, which seems to be a whole lot of instigating. Evan then gets involved by asking Chad “why are you here?”, and I have to agree with Chad on this one, it seems that the Erectile Weenie is really trying to just get a rise out of Chad (no pun intended). When Chad gets his moment with Jojo, he’s really honest and lets her know that he would’ve preferred to not be on a date with 12 other dudes. While they are in the middle of their convo, Evan interrupts, then gives Jojo an ultimatum and tells her that in order for him to stay, Chad has to go. Now, I will go ahead and tell you that Jojo gives the rose to Evan, but not with the suggestion that she’s not getting rid of Chad. If it helps, she has only kissed Evan the way one would kiss their significant one when you first wake up in the morning. . .you know the one that says, “good morning, I love you, but you better not bring you tongue anywhere near my mouth until you and your toothbrush have been intimate.” So, I’m not sure why Jojo is keeping Evan around, I don’t think he’ll be there in the end, I guess we just have to wait and see what transpires.
BXTCH Side Commentary: I have to unload an Evan rant. First, he’s just as much, if not more of a wanker as Chad is. In fact, I’m not sure I can even compare him to Chad. At least Chad is honest. I know he has a temper issue and I’m not sure what’s at the bottom of it, but when you continually poke at a bear, the bear is going to bite back. It is my personal opinion that Evan may want the “bear” to poke back (wink, wink. . .nudge, nudge). Evan has yet to stand up for himself. He proved himself a cocksucker by doing Alex’s dirty work for him and attempting to “expose” Chad to Jojo, then later chalking it up to “good fun” and “stand up comedy”. He’s a snake. At least with Chad, you know what you’re getting, roid rage and all. Evan does his work sneaky. And during some one-on-one time, Jojo commented on how great of a father Evan is. . .really? We know this how? By his actions so far, I wouldn’t even call him a good man, much less a great father. It gets even worse when back at the mansion, Evan calls Chris Harrison outside and tries to expose Chad to him. I would call him a pussy, but really? That’s an insult to not only my pussy, but pussies everywhere.
The information contained here is presented important source generic levitra sale for educational, informational purposes only. General weakness and lethargy, a sign of kidney failure, can be caused by the levitra sale http://appalachianmagazine.com/2017/04/11/pokeweed-americas-tasty-salad-and-highly-poisonous-plant/ build up of toxins and unhealthful lifestyles. Our renowned product has additional benefits to improve the sildenafil cialis http://appalachianmagazine.com/2016/01/04/west-virginias-trout-stocking-begins-today-wvdnr-announces-changes-for-2016/ hormonal balance of the body and to balance the production of natural brain chemicals. We all know lowest price tadalafil it’s no fun for either party when the man blows his load early. ONE-ON-ONE Date: James Taylor is up and boy is he excited. “Let’s Kick it Old School” is the clue he is given and when they meet up, their attire dictates that they are certainly going back in time. They arrive at a dance school and learn a little swing dancing. James makes it clear from the word go that dancing is not his strong suit and I’m here to say, it isn’t, but he gets an A+ for effort and enthusiasm. After learning a few moves they then move into the streets and show the folks what they’re made of. It was really cute and very charming. The nighttime date takes them parking (old school, remember?). Jojo does confess (to the camera) that she needs this date to see if there is any kind of romantic connection with James, because while he’s a great guy, she’s not really feeling the heat with him. All that changes when he starts to tell her his ugly duckling story. . .you know, the “I wasn’t cute growing up and I got made fun of”, the shit that women eat up. He then brought the whole thing home when he pulled out the guitar and serenaded her and let’s face it, that’ll make any girl want to lose her panties. In the end, James earns himself a rose and another week and more time at convincing Jojo why she should change her name.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . . The guys have called in security to offer protection from Chad. It’s actually pretty hilarious, especially because if Chad were to lay one of the guys out. . .he would be off the show quicker than he could say steroids, and. . .imagine the attention the fallen would get from Jojo, it would keep them on the show for at least 3 more weeks, so maybe Evan should go ahead and make the sacrifice since he is for sure not making it to the end. I’m trying to be a little pro Chad, but when he takes out a fucking whole sweet potato and begins to eat it, skin and all, even I wrinkled my forehead at that. It didn’t help when he pulled out some lettuce and started chomping on it like he was Thumper.
Jojo decides to forego the cocktail party and just do a pool party with the guys. Which is code for “I need these guys to see how hot I look in a bikini, it’s way past time”. And good for you Jojo, because if I had the body that you have, I would be in a bikini 24/7. And this is where the show leaves us.
“If Chad and Daniel don’t find love with Jojo at the end of this. I feel like they might ride off in the sunset together.” -Evan
“I can confidently say this is the first time I have mounted a guy on a first date.” -Jojo
“Be not so much like Hitler and maybe be more like Mussolini or Bush, right.” -Daniel
While I don’t think that James T. will make it down on one knee standing in front of Jojo, I do think he is a great guy who is going to make some girl extremely happy. I would like to see him possibly as the next Bachelor, I just don’t know if he has it in him to send girls home, I think his heart is too soft for that kind of emotional scarring.
If I haven’t made myself clear yet, I am not an Evan fan. I first thought that maybe he would be fun, not going all the way to the end, but he would make the weeks till the final rose entertaining. I am ashamed that I ever even thought that. I think that Chad actually said it right when he said. . .“No girl on planet Earth ever picks Evan for anything. Ever.”. I get it, looks aren’t everything, but c’mon, this would be a totally different show if looks were not a factor. Surely I’m not the only one in America asking the question. . .“Why in the fuck is Evan still in contention?”
I’m not sure where Chad’s anger issue stems from, but I do think there is an underlying problem. Having said that, I will say that I believe that the guys in the house do what they can to fan the flame of rage, which is not only immature, but really stupid. I do not condone violence, but why continue to agitate Chad and then turn around and say that you fear for your life, it just seems like a very bad plan. If you’re going to act like a women then go all out and just talk shit about each other behind each other’s back, then ask to borrow lipstick or whatever it is you guys do when no one is looking. On a side note, Chad’s BFF, Daniel, did ask him if he wanted to punch Evan and Chad said “no, I just want him to leave me alone”, so maybe Chad just spews a lot of threats when his back is against the wall and has no intention of starting a Bachelorette Brawl. But hey, maybe we should get that show in the works. Hello ABC, are you listening?
With one full season of reality love under my belt, I’m pretty sure I’m an expert enough to tell any future contestants. . .stop stressing out over the one-on-one date or lack thereof. Here’s what I think, I believe that the person picked for a private date with Jojo or whoever is in that position, is picked because the bachelor/ette isn’t sure about that person and needs the one-on-one time to see if there happens to be a connection. If you are dying to go on a private date but haven’t been chosen, but you know you and the bachelor/ette have a connection, then chill the fuck out, they are not picking you yet for a reason. Now, if you haven’t been picked and you haven’t really spent any time at all with the bachelor/ette, then I give you full permission to stress out and complain to America while showing all of us why it is you’re actually single.
**Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL**
