BXTCHES Gotta Warn: As you know, well, as you should know, it’s been a very long two weeks waiting for tonight. In hindsight, I should’ve started a low-carb diet at the beginning of the two weeks because if I would’ve know how difficult the past fourteen days were going to be, I could’ve went all out with the misery and lost a few pounds in the process. On another note, if missing The Bachelorette brings me this much anguish, I really need to step up my parenting game, geesh.
Two weeks ago on. . .Let’s just call the last episode what it was, The ChadBear Show. He and Alex got the two-on-one date and Alex ran to Jojo and ratted Chad out. Jojo didn’t like what Chad had to say and she sent him packing. The last we see of Chad is him hiking his way back to the house. And this week on. . .
We kick this week off with a celebration. The removal of Chad’s suitcase gives the guys all the clues they need that the beast is not returning and Alex did his job (their words) and Chad is gone. The guys, minus Alex who is still with Jojo, gather ’round outside with James T. on the guitar and Wells with the protein powder, to bid farewell to the ChadBear. If you think that sounds corny, you should’ve seen it happen. They each get a handful of protein powder and throw it in the air. I’m not sure why I ponder how so many good looking individuals could be single and looking for their ever after on T.V., they answer that question week after week. You guys are literally throwing fucking protein powder in the air because the guy who hurt your feelings got eliminated and you wonder why no one will attach their ball to your chain? I’m embarrassed for you guys.
We knew Chad wasn’t gone and him showing back up at the house was anti-climatic to say the least. Once again I would like to thank ABC for taking us right to the brink of the promise of pleasure and yanking it away as if we were the ones who have misbehaved, it’s like reality tv blueballs. He made some sort of explanation to the guys regarding the date and the outcome. Jordan offers apologies and wants one from Chad as well. Chad refuses to offer his apologies and Evan still wants his shirt replaced. Then the whole ordeal is over. In the end, I hope Jojo sees that Chad really wasn’t all that crazy. I don’t think he made the best decisions, but I also think that the guys provoked him as much as he threatened them.
Once Alex finishes up his date with Jojo, which is nothing for me to really write about, because it wasn’t that great, he arrives to the house a hero. And while that word may be a bit strong, the welcome the guys gave him was super douchey, over the top. They smashed cupcakes in his face for crying out loud. Perfectly good, edible cupcakes-just wasted! But the guys should’ve been careful of what they were wishing for, because with enemy #1 out of the house, someone will have to fill that role and the little sister (my little sister) and Wells said it best when they said “They no longer have a common enemy” Chad was the one who ultimately bonded the guys together and now that he’s gone. . .
It’s time for the cocktail party and another round of who can kiss Jojo’s ass the best. Chase gets the first crack and he somehow gets some KnockerBalls and they have a bit of fun, not the kind of fun I would want to have in an evening dress and heels-but Chase gets an A+ for creativity. Robby steals Jojo away and I think they have some heated chemistry, I just don’t know if Robby gives me the feels yet. He’s taking things a little too far with the “I’m falling for you” and he believes that he is miles ahead in his relationship with Jojo than the other guys are. I guess he has yet to see her with Jordan. All of the guys witness Robby laying one on Jojo and that really shakes the confidence in the guys. James F. writes her a poem, which was really sweet, but his moment is cut short when Alex interrupts and takes her away (insert eye roll right here). I don’t think I like Alex too much. He does nothing but kiss her ass every time he is with her, so I suppose he’s playing the game well and truthfully, I could be a bit over dramatic. Kudos to Daniel for telling Luke to hold his horses a bit, he ain’t done. Of course, when Luke does get his chance he turns it on by telling Jojo that he has done nothing but think of her since their date and he is falling for her, and not just falling for her, but the falling for her that makes his heart beat a lot faster when he’s with her and when he’s not with her but thinking about her-so, that may be a lot of words, but they are straight from the hotties mouth. I do think Jojo is feeling the same about Luke, so good job cowboy. I don’t understand Evan at all. He is not aggressive enough to insist on time alone with Jojo, even when Luke asks him if he’s had a turn and he says “no”, Luke tells him that he better go because Luke was going back for seconds and Evan stands there just being a weenie. I’m one baffled BXTCH where Evan is concerned. Jordan does his thing and swoops in and pushes her against the wall, not aggressively but in a “I’ve read a bit too many books and maybe thought I was about to see a scene play out right in front of me” kinda way. A wall that the guys were just on the other side of and Jordan does a great job reminding Jojo of why she may be keeping the “former pro-football player” around. Does Evan ever get his shot? Nope. Chris shows up and it’s time for the. . .
Several of the gents are a bit worried because they either got zero time with Jojo or their time was very limited. Remember our rose holders (if that’s a thing) are: Jordan, Alex, and Luke. When there are no more roses to be had, James F. and Daniel are left to pack their bags and try their luck elsewhere. So, that means that Jojo is headed to Uruguay and taking with her the final eleven guys: Derrick, Robbie, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinnie, James T. and even Evan the Weenie (I know, I was shocked too). And we are headed to South America.
This week will give us (2) one-on-one dates and (1) group date.
ONE-ON-ONE Date: Once the guys arrive at their hotel suite and good job ABC, that was a helluva suite, they go right for the date card. “Jordan, let’s seal the date.” Jordan gets ready and is off, much to the chagrin of the others in the house. Now, I’m not sure why they’re so upset, Jordan has not had a one-on-one yet, but I suppose tensions are running a bit high. The date kicks off with Jojo, Jordan, a yacht, and lots of making out. They get a little time in the ocean to get to “know one another”. The nighttime brings out Jordan’s tender side, he even confesses that he is falling in love with Jojo-yes, another one-what has it been, a month tops and guys are already “falling”, someone needs to bring Chad back ASAP. Once at the “non dinner”, Jojo confronts Jordan with something that’s been tickling the back of her thoughts. So, here’s the deal. Jojo met a girl in Dallas, before filming, that dated Jordan on and off. Now, I should probably tell you, if I haven’t already, that Jojo knew prior to filming that Jordan was going to be on the show. According to her (well, the internet), the info was leaked (he is the brother of Aaron Rodgers after all) and that was all she knew. Anyway, she met this girl and according to the mystery woman, Jordan was not all in with her and Jojo brings this up because she needs to know if Jordan is for real when he says he is looking to wife up. Clearly this is not the convo Jordan thought he would be having on this date and you can see the uneasiness when she brings it up. I’m assuming he knows exactly who Jojo is talking about because a name is never mentioned. His retort is, during that time he was focused on being the best football player he could be and he basically never made her a priority and he admitted to being an awful boyfriend. When Jojo asks him if he cheated on her, he was very quick with the “no”, although he did admit that while he didn’t physically cheat on her, he did talk to other girls more than he should. Our boy recovers quick though because he almost immediately brings up his pastor and you know when the church is brought into it, shit gets real. His pastor told a young Jordan that “Don’t say you love somebody, unless you’re willing to put a ring on their finger.” That should’ve been the song you wrote Beyonce. Jordan does good because he admits his faults with that past relationship and what he’s learned from it. The QB is ready to put a ring on it and Jojo is convinced and he gets the rose. I’m telling you BXTCHES, Jojo is feeling it and by it, I mean Jordan. Look out guys, Jojo does confess that her date with Jordan was one of the best dates of her life.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel: Okay, these guys are seriously upset that Jordan got picked. As Wells puts it “He got the first impression rose, he got the group date rose. That’s why everyone considers Jordan the front-runner is ’cause Jordan had a very strong relationship with her without even having a one-on-one.” Once in their confessionals, the guys start to pick Jordan apart, again, Chad was the common enemy and now that he’s gone. . .well, we knew it was coming. Vinnie has his own barbershop set up and the guys are hanging out, and while Vinnie takes a little off the top for Alex, Wells picks up a tabloid. Derrick reads the dirt to the guys, which basically accuses Jojo of getting back with her ex (the one that disrupted her Dallas date with Ben) then dumping him again when she was offered The Bachelorette. I have to just ask-how in the fuck did the guys get their hands on this magazine? Was it intentional? I’m confused because I was under the impression that the contestants on this show, have no true access to the outside world, in a manner of speaking. Regardless, they read the article and it has them going full on, hot topic round table discussion. The article was written by Jojo’s ex, Chad, and claims that while The Bachelor was filming, they were sneaking around together and she is still in love with him, which then sparks the guys to ponder whether or not she is and if she is, then why are they even there? Christ on a fucking cracker, pull out the Cosmos and start braiding each other’s hair, are you kidding me with this shit!? Even though the date card arrives right smack in the middle of their “pillow fight”, not really, but if the pussy fits. . .but no one is super excited, you know-because of the article her ex wrote slandering her-that he was probably paid a handsome amount of $$$ to do-by a tabloid magazine-yeah, that has them all down in the dumps. Just break out the Midol already.
Still at the hotel: Jojo is in her interview/confessional, just going on about how great her date was and how great she is feeling, when the prick interviewing her hands her the magazine. Now, maybe Jojo knew in advance that this was coming and she is a really good actress, but once she sees the article and then learns that the guys, her guys (her words) have seen the article, she kinda breaks down. This sends her to the guys suite so she can set the record straight. In the meantime, the guys are filling Jordan in on the situation with the ex and after they have sat and thought about it, they seem to be more #teamjojo than #teamdouchebagexboyfriendwhoonlywantsmoney. No guy can really turn their back on a crying woman, right? And while both Jordan and Robby have both said that they were falling in love with her and Luke has said that he is falling for her, not one of them or even the other eight guys in the room offer to walk Jojo, who is obviously distraught, to the elevator. Every single one of those guys, including Evan the weenie who hasn’t had hardly any alone time with Jojo, does the chivalrous thing and gives her a hand to hold. Even if you wanted to just take advantage of the occassion-but, you’re falling in love? I believe we may be reading from two different dictionaries.
Group Date: Luke, Derrick, Chase, Evan, James, Vinnie, Grant, Wells, and Alex
“I can’t sand to be away from you.” ABC keep the clever ones coming. The guys find themselves on sand dunes, maybe, I don’t know, it’s lots of sand and they are going to sand surf. Yay! We get to watch Evan face plant, woohoo! The surfing ends early when the rain starts coming down. We get to the cocktail portion of the date and Luke gets his time first. Basically, he tells Jojo that the magazine is absolute shit (my words) and everything she needed to hear at that time. Their chemistry would put a high school science class to shame. All guys seem to be hitting it off with Jojo, with little awkwardness. While Jojo is away with whoever the lucky fella is, Luke begins to discuss the awkwardness of group dates with the rest of the guys, this seems to set something off in Derrick. I think he is feeling a little insecure in where his progress with Jojo is, he doesn’t think that it’s picked up much since their one-on-one and it’s starting to shake his confidence. When he interrupts Vinnie’s time, he kinda lays it all out there, which works, because he gets the rose, with Jojo basically saying that she is giving the rose to someone who needs the reassurance, which is more fuel for for these guys to use against Derrick, who in defense of Derrick, never mentions to Jojo that he needs to be reassured. When Alex gets his moment to shine, he rambles on about how great this is and how you can never get this kind of thing through texting one another and then he lays down this bomb-“Yeah, it’s as real as it’s ever been in my life.”-Stop the fucking car-this is the realest? You’re 26 years old and the realest relationship you have had is with a woman, who is currently in a relationship with ten other dudes AND she is someone you have only known for a month, tops AND you have yet to really have alone time with her, but it’s the realest? Your relationship with Jordan is deeper right now than the one you have with Jojo. And you were calling Chad out? To speak “Alex” for a moment-“c’mon bro?”. Alex, if you are being 100% truthful and this semi-relationship that you have with Jojo is the “realest”, then you need to bow out of this charade and re-evaluate your life, because you at least deserve a girl who is giving you everything you are giving her and this is no way knocking down Jojo, I’m very much a fan of #teamjojo, but you should certainly experience the real life way that relationships come together before trying it ABC’s way. On a side note-I do think that Alex was saying whatever he thought he needed to in order to get the group date rose. You have to know what time it is BXTCHES-that’s right, it’s time for some. . .
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BXTCH Side Commentary: I’m about to be all over the place, just go with me. First, let me address Alex. I have never been Go Alex!, but I haven’t really rooted against him either, until tonight. He seems to have some sort of double standard happening, that is really beginning to piss a BXTCH off. He ratted on Chad and told Jojo that Chad threatened others in the house, but never once mentioned that he threatened to beat Chad’s ass as well and this got Chad eliminated, when everyone declares Alex some sort of dragon slayer, it’s really just by default that he got to stick around (thanks again, little sister) because if Chad would’ve said the right things and even if he would’ve lied to Jojo and denied the allegation that Alex used against him, Chad would be in the house and Alex would not. In fact, he wanted to show Jojo Chad’s true colors and wanted to egg him on, but used Evan the weenie to do it (during the uncomfortable sex session show). Then during his alone time with her, he spews some bullshit about how real his relationship is with her, but then later in his confessional basically says that he was vulnerable and if that doesn’t get him the rose, he doesn’t know what else to do. But now he’s pissed because Derrick was equally vulnerable and got the rose and since Jojo used the word “reassurance” that makes Derrick weak? C’mon Alex, you are better than that-well, I hope you are. I cannot go any further without addressing the “falling in love” that has plagued these guys. Okay, I get it, you guys are in a special circumstance, Jojo is the only girl as far as the eye can see. She’s beautiful, seems pretty charming, good sense of humor, but after a month you’re falling in love? If it was only you and her-secluded from society-for a straight month, I might still question whether you are really in love. But, you guys are with ten other men (more prior to this episode) and your time is divided and not even equally, and you can say you are falling in love?! This blows my mind. I’ve said this before, and I know that these episodes are edited, so we see what ABC wants us to see, but even given that info, you still don’t really know squat about one another. For example, the ex-boyfriend. If you guys knew anything about her at all, you wouldn’t have been worried about that article and her feelings for that asshat. You would also know that after Ben, she befriended him because she didn’t want to see him hurting. That doesn’t make you raise an eyebrow? And not that every relationship hinges on sex, well, okay it hinges a lot on sex and that type of chemistry. In the last episode, Jojo confessed that sex is a very important part of any partnership (sorry, but the word “relationship” is wearing me out) and I couldn’t agree more. I get it, the sexual tension is there every time some of y’all lay eyes on her (Jordan, we can all feel it), and while I’m sure Jojo looks great minus her clothes, what else do you know. What if, she doesn’t like to be on top? What if she can only fuck with the lights off? What if when she goes down on you she only licks it like a lollipop should be licked (thank you Salt n Pepa), no sucking of any kind. All I’m saying is this-it’s okay to have feelings for her, it’s okay to be hopeful that love isn’t too far off, but to declare love after a month and in this type of situation, is complete bonkers. Robby, you even said that saying you love someone is a hard thing for you to say, you went on about how you ended a 3 1/2 year relationship, but you’re feeling it already enough to say it? Bullshit. At least Chad had the right frame of mind when it came to his feelings for Jojo.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel: The only two people not on the group date are Jordan and Robby and we find them getting facials and pedicures. While I could certainly use this time to maybe joke and say things like-“I thought we were watching The Bachelorette not The Bachelor” OR “See, I wasn’t far off with the hair braiding and cosmos remark, was I?” I’ll refrain, because I am a BXTCH who believes that it’s important for a guy to keep up appearances-hear that hubby? There’s no shame in getting those feet rubbed out, not by me, but by someone you pay. Now, these two guys do take the time to discuss who may get the group date rose and the why’s and how’s of that happening. Annnddd, we are back to hair braiding. With Robby being the only one without a date thus far, the one-on-one date card arrives and “Love is within our reach”.
ONE-ON-ONE Date: Since love is within their reach, let’s get this one-on-one with Robby started. They meet up at the beach and then take a trip through town, where they actually bite into a sandwich, it looks like just one bite though, but it’s a start. The daytime portion of there date ends on a cliff. And in a metaphorical (but very real), Bachelorette moment, they jump off the cliff-hand in hand. She also took that same metaphorical (but also very real) leap with Ben and look where we are today. The nighttime date takes them out to dinner and Robby tells Jojo the story of his friend since childhood passing away and how it sorta forced him to re-evaluate his life decisions and one of those being, him breaking up with his long time girlfriend. So, once again we have Jojo shedding some tears (it was a sad story) and we have Robby confessing his love to Jojo, even though he feels that type of confession is not one to take lightly. And Jojo does what every one does when someone puts their love on the table like that-she says “thank you”, that BXTCH is the Bachelorette for a reason. Of course, his continuous surprises and his “I love you” made Jojo’s “heart very happy” and she offers him the rose. Robby recognizes that Jojo didn’t say those three words back, but she did give him the rose which, according to him, is the equivalent to an “I love you”. Oh good grief, what is the name of Olivia’s book? They end the night like all first dates should end (minus the I Love You), with fireworks and who doesn’t love a good firework show. Oh, the metaphorical dates ABC, y’all are really deep.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel: Jordan is leading a power discussion of how the rose ceremony may play out, which is rich coming from him, considering he is safe from elimination. I guess throwing a football isn’t his only strength-or weakness-depending on how you look at it, because he is doing some super math with how many roses there could be for Jojo to hand out. With only eleven guys remaining and three with roses already, leaving eight guys in the water without life jackets, I think any 1st grader could’ve done that math and gotten an A+, but good job QB. Once again, these guys are really upset that Derrick got the group date rose and I have no clue why, even though Alex describes Derrick’s rose as a “pity rose”, which I guess is a better word selection than “dude” or “bro”, so maybe we are making progress. Alex and Chase then question Derrick on why or what he said to Jojo that convinced her to give him the rose. They are spending so much energy on this topic. I’m starting to think that Alex needs to be in politics, because he can really make a mountain out of a molehill. They should really be questioning Jojo on why she gave the rose to Derrick. I’m just bummed that Chase got in on Alex’s bullshit and I’m starting to think that Alex is the real villain.
The cocktail party starts off all doom and gloom, with each guy professing to the camera how important time with Jojo is. Derrick is really getting the “Mean Girl” (his words) vibe from Chase, Jordan, Robby, and Alex and decides to call them outside for a friendly, male bonding chat. He calls them out on their clique and even though he is only speaking from his behalf, he knows the rest of the guys are feeling it too. The guys were not very welcoming of this type of conversation and they end it quickly. Luke being the inquisitive rancher he is, would like to know what was happening, Jordan fills him in, Wells is the diplomatic one and agrees with Derrick without really agreeing with Derrick. The bitchfest gets cut short when Chris arrives to inform the guys that there will be no kisses, no talks, no one-on-one time with the bride in waiting because Jojo has decided to forgo getting tipsy and just to get on with it and put some guys out.
The guys without roses are freaking out since there will not be any alone time. But really, when all the roses are handed out, there was really no shock. The guys know who has the connection with her and who doesn’t. Jojo shows up and gets right to it. Of course, Derrick, Jordan, and Robby are all going to survive another week, as well as: Luke, Chase, Alex, James T., and Wells. We say goodbye to Grant, Vinnie, and Evan. This rose ceremony seemed to hit Jojo hard, especially Vinnie’s departure-but the quest for matrimony must go on.
My final three pick continues to be: Jordan, Chase, and Luke.
“We’re taking a bunch of his protein powder that’s left over and spreading those protein ashes. I’m super happy. Sayonara Chad.” -Evan
“I just wasn’t the type of guy for her and fair enough. She obviously going for personality and obviously my personality was [bleep]. If this was based solely on looks, there’s a good chance I’d still be here. My body had nothing to do with this because obviously she doesn’t care about that because she picked guys like Evan and Wells, you know? These guys aren’t on my level, bottom line. No one’s on my level. I know I’m a great catch. I’ve had more experiences than all of these guys have combined. But there’s millions of people in the world and you know, the chance of her falling for me, I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning. . .while. . .you know. . .shaving my face.” -Daniel
“I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love!” -Robby
Once again, what kind of make-up are we using on this show? Jojo jumps off of a cliff-into the water-and the only difference is her hair is now wet. No mascara smudges, no lipstick smears. I walk out in the stifling heat for 2 minutes and my fucking make-up is running down my neck. That make-up is the shit you need to be advertising ABC.
Is it just me or is this season eerily similar to Ben’s season? At the end of tonight’s episode, they of course, showed scenes from next week and then scenes from what appears to be the finale. Once again, the final rose seems a bit controversial, with Jojo not sure. Things seem to be developing a little in the same manner as they did last season (Ben). Either it’s a sheer coincidence or we’re running out of ideas. Let’s take this bus down a different path ABC, I know there’s some creative juices somewhere in there.
Maybe it’s the mom in me, but I cannot handle this, titty baby, tattle telling bullshit. Alex, if you can’t charm Jojo all on your own, then step down. You seem to want to win Jojo by getting other guys eliminated instead of earning her love just because you’re the right guy. You seem to be more of a bully than Chad ever was. And it seems to only get worse the more into the season we move. James T. is going to rat on Jordan, I think someone is going to rat on Robby. C’mon guys, you undermine her intelligence when you feel you need to “inform” her of another guys “true intentions”. She’s smart enough to figure it out on her own and you should let her. I don’t want to get all “Chicken Soup for the Soul” on you, but I promise, if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL
