BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I really should’ve learned from last nights episode and the tension that it created, that going into tonight’s episode, dousing my liver in some sort of spirits before hitting play on the DVR would’ve been a good plan. Oh mylanta, the boys create way more drama than the girls ever did. Is it entertaining? Hell yeah! Keep reading because tonight definitely needed the full two hours.
Last night on. . . So we didn’t get a rose ceremony, but we get one almost immediately tonight. I think ABC is just giving these guys testosterone by the shot glass full, because it is seeping from their pores. Chad is the center of all it, earned or not, the guys definitely do not want him around and the two episodes this week have them pulling out all stops to ensure that he is riding off alone into the sunset. Well, let’s pick up where last night left us.
After Evan speaks to Chris alone and in a nutshell, tattle tells on Chad, Chris then speaks to Chad alone to ask his side of the allegations. Steroid use gets brought up, which Chad didn’t necessarily deny, he just said that it’s not even possible for him to have them at the mansion. Chris asks that Chad go in and offer a polite apology to the guys, then maybe all will be forgotten. Evan believes that Chad owes him a shirt, Chad’s going to throw twenty bucks his way, Evan also wants an apology, well, that is certainly not going to happen. Chad speaks his peace and now it’s time to get ready for Jojo. In lieu of a cocktail party, Jojo decides that a pool party would be a fun way to hang with the guys and I for one am not complaining about that decision. Who would pass up a chance to see hot guys (I’m not talking to you Evan) in board shorts with no shirt, not this BXTCH. Jojo does a good job spreading her time around. Once again, her and Jordan seem to really have this electric chemistry and I know right now some of the tabloids are painting Jordan out as a “not so great guy”, since I don’t know the entire truth, I will not speculate. What I do know is this, Jordan and Jojo seem to be really hitting it off at every turn. Evan did shed some blood and believe it or not, it was not at the hands of Chad (bummer, right?). I guess the guys decided to do some sort of synchronized dive, Evan’s nose must’ve not been able to handle the pressure, because a tampon would’ve come in real handy at that moment (and yes, every pun intended). And let me add, I hope the idea of a synchronized dive or an ode to Jojo songwriting session is really the idea of some production assistant at ABC, because if this is what these guys are coming up with, they have zero hope when Jojo does pick one of them and the real world comes knocking on their door. A synchronized dive for one (not even sure if that’s a real thing) isn’t going to curl her toes and provide her with any type of “gasms”. Oh and I almost forgot, there was a chicken fight in the pool. Where was Jojo you ask? On the shoulders of Jordan or maybe Chad? Nope. She wasn’t even in the pool. Yes, these guys had a chicken fight with one another. One each other’s shoulders. I guess seeing Jojo in a bikini really did cause all the blood to leave the brain, because bad decisions were made all around. To pick up with the “Does Chad have a temper or not” game, we turn it over to Derrick. When Jojo asks Derrick how things are in the house, he takes that opportunity to bring up Chad and how the guys in the house are threatened by him. This pool party is bringing out the elementary side of these guys, because lots of tattling seems to be taking place. Of course, Chad overhears this and calls Derrick out on it. They have words and really, it just makes things a bit worse where Chad is concerned. When it comes down to dolling out the roses, Ali, Christian, and Nick find themselves packing their bags and saying goodbye to the mansion and that brings us down to 14 bachelors. The end of the rose ceremony also has the remaining guys packing up and leaving the mansion for good.
This week we will get one group date, one 1-on-1 date, and one 2-on-1 date. So, lots of decisions will need to get made.
Jojo and the guys arrive in Pennsylvania and after some good, rugged manly fun, like sliding down the banister and jumping on beds the one-on-one date card arrives and the lucky fella this week is. . .Luke, with the only hint being “I like you very mush”. Of course the look of defeat on the face of everyone but Luke is pretty priceless. I think Geico should do some sponsorship of the show and one of the commercials should just involve the facial expression of the contestants when they don’t hear their name on a date card and then of course, tie it in with saving money on car insurance.
ONE-ON-ONE Date: The afternoon portion of the date has Luke and Jojo mushing through nature all cuddled up. It gets better when they arrive at a wood fire tub and Jojo has Luke chopping wood. Once they strip down to swimwear. . .in the Pennsylvania wilderness. . .in the cold. . .I guess it’s good there is a wood fire tub, except when Jojo puts her foot in the water, it’s a bit more heated than she realized, which then heats things up maybe more than Luke realized, because it gives him the opportunity to pick Jojo up, and get into the tub with her, and not put her down until she is able to adjust to the heat. . .of the tub or Luke. . .you pick. It did give Luke the chance to grab onto her ass without coming across as a creep, so score one for the country boy. Since the water temperature was rising and the sexual tension between the two of them was thickening up, why not go ahead and get in some good ole making out and continue to help something rise, after champagne and strawberries of course. The nighttime portion of the date takes Luke and Jojo to a Supper Club, to not eat supper. The conversation has Luke talking about his time in the military and the loss of a real good friend (Kenny Chesney always comes in handy) and once again, Jojo is shedding tears, not that the tears aren’t warranted, Luke has lived a very emotional life, it’s just this may be like the 3rd one-on-one that tears have been shed. I’m just glad that Ben and Lauren did not enter the intimate moment between the two of them. He so gets the rose, duh. They then get a Dan & Shay concert, which ABC must be really hard up to promote these musicians, because it’s always so awkward. Luke and Jojo stand on the stage while Dan & Shay perform, they dance, they make out. . .ALL IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WITH CELL PHONES CAPTURING EVERYTHING ON CAMERA. Because that’s what we all do on first dates. Why not just go to the concert? Why do they insist on having them the center of attention? I get the desire for it all to be magical, but couldn’t that have been achieved just by being fans, watching some live music? Okay, it could be I’m pissed because I have never had a date like that, I’ll admit. I will say. . .Jojo and Luke were really heating it up though, this date must have a theme, right? The have fantastic chemistry, they seem to just fit with one another perfectly, Luke is the stuff great book boyfriends are made of.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .It’s so cute when the guys sit around and speculate about what is about to happen. Jordan and Alex are bonding over trying to figure out if there will be a curveball this week, like a two-on-one date. Chad is sitting around the hot tub pondering life and those who continue to poke the “Chad Bear”. I’m waiting for some of these guys to join the ranks of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.
Group Date: Derrick, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinnie, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robbie
“We could go all the way” Well, we know she sure as shit isn’t going to join the ranks of any gangbang clubs with that clue, so it could only mean one thing. . .football with the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers and that goddamn Ben Roethlisberger. Look, I’ll just say that I’m not a Big Ben fan and leave it at that. I do not have anything agains Hines Ward or Brett Keisel and they were in attendance as well. Okay ABC, I’m not sure if you’re on the right track with the dates you are setting up for these guys. First, if you’re wanting to draw the attention away from Jojo, then bringing in NFL players will certainly do the trick. Next to a hot woman, nothing will make a guys dick harder than to be coached and play football with the likes of these guys. Hey, I may not be able to stomach Ben Roethlisberger, but I know where he ranks in the likes of the NFL. Second, do you really think every guy on the show is athletic. There’s no faster way to crush a guys ego and his NFL hard-on than by having him look a fool in front of the one he’s really hoping to score with. You guys are not thinking this through. Regardless, I suppose it’s going to be Jordan’s time to shine, he may be a “former pro”, but surely he’s going to be better than the ones on the field. It is certainly comical to watch some of these guys “practice” a sport, which only proves not all guys have athletic ability (I am talking to you Evan). James T. gets head butted pretty good, I mean, blood running down his face good. The guys are then split into two teams, with the winning team moving on to the nighttime portion of the date and the losers going home. Jordan is in the best position because he gets to play QB for both teams, so he’s a winner even if his team loses. The best part of the entire football game was actually watching the guys get ready for the game (you again Evan), I’m quite certain that there is not one player in the entirety of the NFL who takes the amount of time making sure their hair is on point as Evan did. Just take a look for yourself:
It doesn’t take long for Evan to get a bloody nose (I don’t even think he got hit), but I can’t help but thing that this would’ve been the perfect date for Chad to be on. Anyway, the blue team beats the white team and gets the very important evening date with Jojo. Robbie is up first and his time with Jojo comes with a promise from Jojo that he will get his one-on-one time and Robbie in the confessional admitting that he is falling in love with Jojo day after day (you have got to be kidding me), he also believes that Jojo feels the same way. I swear Olivia must’ve written some secret “how to” book and some of the guys are taking straight from those pages. I don’t deny that Jojo and Robbie have some chemistry, it’s not equal to that of Chase or Jordan or even Luke, but it’s more than what Evan has, so there is that. She makes out with several of the guys, but I think the big winner of the night is actually Jordan. Jojo seems to really be #teamjordan, but she feels that he is not as vocal in expressing his feelings and she worries about him having a hard time opening up. Now, I’ll call a BXTCH out if necessary and Jojo, you are upset that Jordan is doing the same thing with you that you did with Ben? Let me refresh your memory, it took you a while to open up and put yourself out there for Ben. So, don’t be the pot calling the kettle black. Jordan takes the opportunity to tell Jojo that he is falling for her and could potentially fall in love with her, the deal is of course not only sealed with some tongue action, but with Jordan receiving the rose as well. Well played QB, well played. The winning team consisted of: Derrick, Robbie, Vinnie, James T., Evan, and Jordan. And I’m sure all of them got their private time with Jojo, the only ones that we didn’t see were Vinnie and Evan. Read between the lines guys. And even I can say that I don’t think I could stomach watching Jojo kiss Evan and I don’t think she really has laid any good ones on him yet, so one would have to wonder if it’s Jojo keeping him around or if ABC is having some sort of say.
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Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .The losing team has arrived back at the cabin to join Alex, Chad, and Luke and they are sporting matching sweats and matching frowns (Ya Ya anyone?). The date card arrives and SHOCKER, it’s a two-on-one date, it’s Alex vs. Chad and it means someone is not coming back. The showdown of the season really. And once again, the guys start in on Chad. This must really be some sort of production stunt, because from the looks of things on the big screen, Chad is not really doing anything to warrant the animosity that is thrown at him. Let me give you a for instance: Luke asks Chad a question, Chad responds with “I don’t know” and that answer is enough for Grant to start in on Chad, because Chad gave “another two word answer” (Grant’s words). Just because he said “IDK”? Has Grant even been with a woman? How is he going to react when she answers a question with “fine” when we all know that “fine” never means anything good, coming from a woman anyways. I’m just not on the same I Hate Chad Fan Page that these guys seem to frequent. Now, I think he sometimes doesn’t do himself any favors in the making friends department, but is he really there to be BFF’s with anyone but Jojo? And, someone needs to really get these guys a thesaurus or something, because the only words they seem to know are “dude” AND “bro”.
TWO-ON-ONE Date: And the stage has been set for one hell of a showdown. “Let’s Get Lost” is the clue they are given and they both know that only one will return at the end of that adventure. But before we get to the actual date, let’s take some time for a little bit of a . . .
BXTCH side commentary: Doom day begins with the filling of the suitcases and the look of relief on the faces of the other guys in the house, grateful that it’s not them having to do the packing. Things escalate very quickly when Chad overhears the guys talking about Alex’s plan for the date. Jordan says something that riles up the beast in Chad, Chad then reminds Jordan that this is just a show and he can find him after the cameras stop rolling. Probably not Chad’s finest moment in the house and things only get worse when Jordan informs Alex of the showdown, giving Alex all the ammo he needs to go to Jojo and get rid of Chad for good. On a side note: is there only one couch in this big, beautiful house? At one point every guy (minus Chad) is crammed on this one piece of furniture and I think during that time, Evan may have found his happy place, smushed in between Vinnie and James T. Back to. . .Chad v. Alex. . .Good v. Evil. . .Marine v. Marine. . .Short v. Tall, you get the point, let’s get to it.
. . .I’m not too sure why this is even labeled a date. Chad and Alex arrive in the wilderness in a helicopter. Jojo’s train of thought has her very confused. She has seen the softness Chad can offer but is worried about the all of the other things about Chad or really, being said about Chad. She certainly likes Alex, I just don’t think she has had the opportunity to really get to know him to see if their chemistry is electric. They take a hike and it’s really the Chad and Jojo show with Alex trailing behind. Chad is very much the gentleman when it comes to guiding Jojo through the brush of the woods. Then things get very awkward. The three of them are sitting by a river, well maybe a river, it’s a body of water of some sort, and then Jojo pulls Alex aside first, where he lays it all out about Chad, including Chad’s earlier threat to Jordan, even though Alex wasn’t even there for the threat, which seems to upset Jojo. He attacks Chad’s communication skills, which I don’t think was very fair, since every one of them seem to have the same set of communication skills. Once Jojo pulls Chad aside, she gives him the opportunity to rebuff the things that Alex has told Jojo, but kudos to Chad, he is completely honest with her, he doesn’t deny things, but does tell Jojo that it would be easier to understand if she were actually there and was able to witness the things that are happening. In the end, Jojo asks Chad if he has threatened anyone in the house, he admits it OR doesn’t deny it so, she gives the rose to Alex. Chad is out. . .but is he really gone? The episode leaves us with Chad hiking his way back to the house. Yes, you read that correctly, he hikes his way back from the two-on-one date that he arrive at in a helicopter. I guess we’ll discuss that more in two weeks.
Once again, ABC leaves us all high and dry. The only one we know for sure is out of contention is Chad. We get a “to be continued” and that is not going to happen for two more weeks. That is not news that makes me a happy BXTCH, but the previews do promise some good shit coming, so maybe ABC will make it worth the wait.
I guess it’s time for me to start picking my final three. I gotta say I think it will come down to: Jordan, Chase, and Luke with James T. pulling in the dark horse card.
“I’m the one Jojo wants. Alex knows. . .he knows.” -Chad
“I’m falling in love with Jojo, day by day. I think she confirmed that she’s starting to feel the same way.” -Robbie
“Chad could just play some bizarre mind trick and just be normal” -Evan
“You think I’m scared of you?” -Jordan “I think you should be.” -Chad
“Am I getting pranked right now?” -Chad
There is a part of me that wonders if ABC threw Chad into the mix because they knew he would be good for T.V. and ratings. I’m not at all saying that Chad is Mr. Innocent when it comes to his part in this whole debacle, but I think once Jojo watches everything back, she will see that no one involved can claim innocence. Those guys knew exactly what they were doing when they continued to antagonize Chad, they knew the response they would get and they pounced on it. They kept calling him a coward, but was he really?
Piggybacking on this Chad fiasco, with Chad gone, some other shmuck is going to have to fill the villain role, I’m not sure if all of those guys realize that or not. Also, do they not realize that they are competing against one another. I mean, if I’m on Survivor (which I would never last on), but wouldn’t it be beneficial to keep around the bad guy or the one you know without a doubt is going to lose. In the end, this is a game. I know the guys are hoping to “Put a Ring on It”, but the process is still a ratings gem. I can only assume the reason for wanting Chad gone is because the guys are threatened by the possibility of what he can offer Jojo. The questions remains: “Is he truly a violent person or was he just reacting to the environment?” Well, something to ponder, I suppose.
Evan didn’t really have an impact this week, but I still would like to remind you all that, I don’t like him. . .at all. . .even a little bit. . .in fact, the more I observe, the more I think that he may actually play for the other team. And I’m not saying that to be derogatory at all, because I don’t think being homosexual is a negative thing, I just think maybe Evan should start coming around to his feelings.
This is going to sound batshit cray cray but, hear me out. How fantastic would it be if ABC did a tandem Bachelor and Bachelorette, at the same time. This could be similar to Bachelor in Paradise, I’ve never seen the show, I will be tuning in this summer though. I haven’t thought it all through, I’m not sure if all of the contestants should be living in the same house (think of the hook-ups) or if they should just live next door. Anyway, just a thought in process. The ratings would be out of control. Just give it some consideration ABC.
Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL
*will return on Monday 6/20*
