BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First thing. . .we are blessed with two episodes this week, but all that really indicates is we’re just getting one really long ass episode, cut in half. So, as great as tonight was, we have to wait until tomorrow for the continuation. I know that I compared The Bachelorette (the show, not the actual person) to the equivalent of a modern day soap opera, tonight’s episode just really hammered that point home even further. We do get some drama tonight, ABC wasn’t gonna overfill our bowl, they did need to leave some shit for tomorrow, what tonight gave us was some heat and get ready BXTCHES. . .a couple of these guys are most definitely not afraid to go after what it is they want.
Last Week On: We said goodbye to Brady, Diggy, and Bryce and to prove to you how uneventful those losses were. . .I bet you BXTCHES didn’t even recall watching those guys walk out. Dean got the one-on-one, Josiah won the spelling bee, and Peter rapped. Kenny and Lee ended the episode with a showdown that will carry over to tonight.
This Week On: Tonight the gang moves from Hilton Head, SC and take this gig international. They will kick things off in Norway and we will get (1) one-on-one, (1) group date, and (1) two-on-one. . .let’s get started.
We pick up where we left off and that’s the feud that is brewing during the group date cocktails. The feud in question is between Kenny and Lee. Now, it’s really just a bunch of he told on me and now he must be set straight nonsense. When ABC left us with a serious case of blue balls last week, we were all under the impression that Kenny was about to lay one on Lee, and I ain’t talking about love either. Kenny addresses the aggressive issue, Lee continues to goad him while twisting some words around. Kenny calls him a snake and it was all very disappointing, akin to watching the air deflate from a balloon. C’mon, the game needs to be stepped up, we got good doses from Chad and Alex, we expect more from the two of them. The issue of being too good to be true comes up during her discussion with Bryan and that motherfucker lays it on thick. So, he is either the real deal and she needs to scoop him up quick OR we’re gonna be calling him an asshole in the end. Good thing we are not forced to pick a door. . .yet. But on a positive note, when Bryan goes in for a kiss, he goes all in. I am super shocked that clothes have stayed on up to this point, because there is not a doubt in my mind, that if those two were alone, the make-out session would have a totally different outcome. When it’s time to hand out the rose, everyone has high hopes, but Bryan (and his tongue) must’ve worked her over good, because he’s leaving the date in a very good place. And with him now being on the receiving end of two roses, the other guys are starting to realize how crazy the chemistry is between the two of them, but right now either the jealousy is non-existent or Kenny wanted it to appear that way so he could take a jab at Lee, which had Lee responding with an impressive “Fuck you.”. On a side note: When Rachel gets up to leave a group date, why is there not one guy up, offering to walk her out? Dean made the offer once and she accepted, but it just seems like the perfect time to get a couple minutes alone with her, while offering some sort of normalcy. That’s what one would do in a regular setting, right? I’m gonna lay this one on Bryan, he should’ve made the offer. Mainly so we could watch them kiss again, but partly because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Some points are gonna have to be knocked off for the Casanova.
In case our memory has failed us, it has been a long seven days, but Jack was awarded a one-on-one date last week, but we’re just now getting to it. Let me digress for just a bit. When the cast was revealed, Jack was one of my favorites. Not only was he handsome, but they are both attorneys and are both from Dallas. He also has a really good backstory, which maybe shouldn’t factor into a relationship, but it helped him win points on my scoresheet. Having said all of that, his appeal has lost some of its luster along the course of the show, so I’m hoping that this one-on-one would shine him up a bit more. The beginning of the date even has Rachel admitting how perfect they are on paper. They kick things off with shucking some oysters and it looked about as disgusting as it sounds. My favorite part of the date is when they got themselves some shag lessons, because there isn’t a woman alive above the age of 30, who hasn’t watched that movie about 100 times. Now, I know that some say that you can tell how well a man moves in the bed by how well he moves on the dance floor, if this fact rings true. . .then Rachel’s belly button is in for a world of hurt. The conversation that should flow easy, is painful. Jack is making an effort, but his effort is becoming embarrassingly hard to watch.
Back at the Hotel: Lee and Will are in the midst of discussing the drama that is unfolding between Lee and Kenny. Every single time that the issue of drama comes up and the issue of the guys talking to Rachel about said drama, the ball always gets thrown back to Rachel. Lee has told Will that it was Rachel that asked him about the issues with Kenny. It’s almost like some of these guys have no idea that Rachel will in fact watch these episodes. . .Lee does feel as if he is providing a service to Rachel, but it is starting to take its toll on him. . .oh the pains of being a racist. Will tries his best at educating Lee and how it gets translated when you use the word ‘aggressive’ so freely as an identifying descriptor towards black men. Staying true to his racist form, Lee turns it around and accuses Kenny as playing the race card. It was all very “Remember the Titans”. While Will wasn’t and still isn’t my favorite, he gained a bit of ground tonight.
Dinner time has approached and if we were just gonna go with Jack’s perception of the date up to this point. . .he is not only all in, but he is starting to fall. The conversation kicks off well enough, but Rachel is missing passion when it comes to Jack. Unfortunately for Rachel, she wears every internal expression she goes through on her face. Jack may have yet to pick up on it, but Rachel is our girl, so we know when she just ain’t feeling things and I gotta say, she may be sitting through this portion of the date, but going by the looks on her face, Jack won’t be sticking around. The nail in the coffin for me was when he talked about bringing her back to Dallas. She asked him what they would do and being from the DFW area myself, he could’ve rattled off a list of things, this motherfucker went with, locking the door and hanging out. Well, color me stupid, but isn’t that what the two of them are doing on this date? C’mon Jack, you gotta bring it better than that. Unfortunately, Rachel lays it all out and tells Jack that he is missing the X-Factor and cuts things off with him before any more time is invested. I really think that for Rachel and Jack, they are better off as friends. And I gotta admit that I do feel a bit of pain for any future belly buttons that he may come across if this is his “look”:
No cocktail party tonight, we are just going right into the Rose Ceremony. . .and while this may disappoint the guys, this BXTCH says “Praise Be”, let’s get this show on the road.
Bryan, 37
Peter, 31
Will, 28
Eric, 29
Alex, 28
Kenny, 35
Dean, 26
Matt, 32
Anthony, 26
Josiah, 28
Lee, 30
Adam, 27
Jack, 32
Iggy, 30
Jonathan, 31
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As you can see, Lee continues to stay on life support. But once again, Rachel seems very reluctant to pin it on him. Thank fuck that this two-on-one date is about to go down. Now that the roses have been handed out, it’s time to take this shit international. First up is Oslo, Norway
I guess Rachel is an eager beaver and wants no time wasted when it comes to spending it with all of her boys. She meets up with the guys and quickly moves in to take Bryan on their one-on-one. Now, I may be super excited about this date because let’s face facts, Rachel and Bryan’s relationship is kinda playing out like a really good romance novel. But, either Rachel is really wanting to solidify her chemistry with Bryan or the last week has pushed her past her point and she is really wanting to just have some fun and a little sexy time. Regardless of the cause, the other guys are really starting to take notice of the electrifying chemistry she shares with Bryan and to settle down the jealousy, Dean throws around the ‘what if’ of Bryan not returning. Now, we all now that would be an even bigger shock than the Falcons losing the Super Bowl, but I found it commendable that he would try to calm some nerves.
Rachel does confess (to the camera) that the reason Bryan was her first choice in Norway, was because of the ‘too good to be true’ dynamic he brings when they’re together. She acknowledges the heat that ignites when they are in one another’s company, but she just wants to be sure that there is more there than sparks. She does go on to point out that Bryan is the complete package: looks, older, great job. . .but what is the catch. Why is he still single? On a quick side note: Am I the only one who finds some resemblance between Bryan of The Bachelorette and Bryan from Color Me Badd? Only the 90’s version of him, not the current one. Maybe this is why I’m fanning myself constantly when he’s gets himself from screen time.
They kick things off by rappelling down an Olympic ski jump. Crazy as fuck if you ask me, but what better way to become even more connected to your future spouse than by possibly plummeting to your death. Once they finally find their way off the side of the ski jump, things start to rappel quite quickly (no pun intended), they even have time for some lovin’. They briefly discuss Rachel’s concerns, but not in great enough detail that slams the gavel in one direction or the other. We can only take from what we see and from what I can gather, these two are starting to develop something. . .it could certainly be purely physical, but maybe the one-on-one is what was needed to start in on the intellectual level.
Meanwhile back at the hotel: Our resident motivation speaker (but really Debby Downer), Eric, is beginning to question Rachel’s connection with the remaining black guys and takes the concern even further when he wonders aloud that “maybe dating brothers might not be her choice at this time”. His thoughts have lead him down this path because out of all of the ‘brothers’ in the house, Anthony is the only one who has been blessed with one-on-one time. Funnily enough, Eric is pondering these concerns with Anthony. Anthony may understand where Eric is coming from, however, he doesn’t agree with him. Anthony kinda puts it all in perspective and it seems that Eric may leave the discussion reading from the same page and book as Anthony, but only time will tell.
Going into the nighttime side of the date, Rachel is really wanting to put her fears to rest and either hear or feel something from Bryan that allows her to stop doubting in what he offers and to start believing in his words. We did get an ‘aha’ moment when Rachel begins to reveal a bit of her past. We learn that her older sister was always the pretty one and Rachel was always the cool one and it wasn’t until college that she started to turn some heads, which made it difficult to take compliments and believe any goodness from men. . .so now we know and so does Bryan, now we just wait to see what he does with the information. He does relate to her a bit with his own awkward high school story. We finally get a past relationship story from him, in which we learn that he was in a four year relationship, but when it came time to discuss the serious stuff with his ex, he deflected, he then realized that he needed to strap one on and be a man. His lesson from that was never leaving a situation without the other knowing where he stands. It wasn’t a deep, dark story, but we did learn a bit more. He does lay it down when he admits that is is “truly, falling in love” with Rachel and since she wears every thought almost as well as she wears her MAC (though I’m not sure where I stand with the gold eye color). It was very apparent that she had to fight back the urge to scream “ME TOO!” She later confesses to the camera that she believes him when he confesses his love and that she “likes Bryan a lot. A lot.”
Meanwhile back at the hotel: While they sit around and wonder how Bryan’s date is going, the date card arrives. Once the names are read, Kenny and Lee realize that a showdown starring The Wrestler vs. The Racist is about to commence.
Group Date: “I’m looking for a guy, who’s good with his hands.” -Rachel. Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, and Josiah are up. Handball is the name of the game and laughter is the name of the uniform. It’s Red vs. Blue and even Rachel gets in on the fun. It gets especially frisky when Peter decides to remove his hand from the ball and place them on Rachel’s ass. This does not go unnoticed by Josiah, who chimes in with “. . .he picks her up and he has a handful of ass. I’m talking about a handful of ass.”. . .”Damn, I wish that was me.” Now, he could be referring to Peter or Rachel at this point, who knows? Will comes out as the MVP, which really forced Rachel to pay attention to what Will can bring to the relationship. The cocktail party comes along and Will uses his time to really show some vulnerability, he also lays on a couple of kisses. Alex has written down his thoughts, which seemed a bit strange to me, but he makes up for it when he takes control of the kiss. . .yeah it was pretty hot. Matt gifts her with some song lyrics and Eric is still placing himself in the friend zone. Now, just as Rachel is confessing to the camera that she doesn’t see how the night could go wrong, ABC edits in her sitting down with Josiah and anyone who watches the show, knows that things are most likely not going to bode well for Josiah. The discussion starts out with Josiah laying it on super thick. He tells Rachel how beautiful she is and how his dad knew on just the second date with his mother that he was going to marry her, he then continues the proverbial finger diddle when he tells her that he believes that she is the woman of his dreams and he just wants to grow old with her. Now, at this point I think that Rachel is fighting with her instinct to run, but she holds it together. She fires back when she tells Josiah that she wants him to ask questions about her, not just things that he has read about her. Instead of Josiah jumping aboard that boat, he compliments her again with how perceptive and amazing she is. She then tells the camera that “he sounds very disingenuous” and makes her feel as if he is “more fascinated with the idea” of her “than really getting to know who Rachel is” Of course, Josiah believes it was the most “real conversation” he has had with Rachel up to this point. It’s now time for Peter to put them all to shame. Even in the short time that he has known her, he has picked up on the fact that she gives visual cues. And while I’m usually all about the conversation that goes down between Rachel and whatever guy, tonight is not the case. As soon as the two of them move things to the balcony, things begin to heat up. . .in more ways than one. The hot tub in the corner is just taunting them to take advantage and take advantage they do. Before we know it, they have stripped down and Rachel is giving Peter one hell of a lap dance. How his dick came back from that, we will never know. I’m sure it was a mean one-on-one session between Peter and his balls later that evening. His time away from the guys was certainly pointed when Peter joined them and somebody mentions “Mr. 3 1/2 hours”, just imagine what the mumbling would’ve been if one of them had interrupted the rodeo in the hot tub, because if Josiah thought that Peter had his hands full of Rachel’s ass during the game, he would’ve gotten an eyeful out on that balcony. Oh, and the hot tub idea was all on her. As much as I thought she would be pinning Peter with the rose tonight, that honor went to Will, which leads Peter to start second guessing hisself and allows some doubt to creep in.
Two-On-One: “Kenny and Lee, your fate is up in the air.” -Rachel “Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.” -Chris Harrison | I guess we are where we thought we would be, it just pisses me off that Rachel had to keep Lee around for the sake of ratings, but without further ado, let’s get to this date. If it were me, I would just sit at the table with both of the guys, and put it all out there. Let’s courtroom this bitch. But, Rachel being the lawyer she is, decides to separate the two and takes Kenny away first. Kenny puts it out there and tells Rachel that he is looking for a “forever thing”, now he immediately hits Rachel with the idea of wanting someone who his daughter can emulate. I get it, BUT. . .I don’t really think the way to go is to start talking about the role she is going to play in his daughter’s life. Also, isn’t that what her mother is for? He covers the Lee debacle by telling Rachel that he believes Lee thought he was losing ground where his relationship with her was concerned and needed to lash out. BXTCH side commentary: Okay, this is where this show gets a bit muddy for me. I get it’s entertainment, I get that ratings are involved, BUT. . .if Rachel is someone who is as perfect on paper as she is in person (Kenny’s analysis), then what difference does it make where Lee stands with her? This is why I am Team Peter and Team Bryan. I don’t know enough yet to know if they are The One, but at least they stay out of it. They allow the villain to shoot himself in the foot. This tattle telling that these guys go through is exhausting. I prefer Kenny over Lee, but now Kenny is irritating the fuck out of me. Dude, just sit with her and talk, you have made a child, surely you know the steps. If the discussion needs to move towards the drama, then let her guide it. All of this, just so ABC could step up the drama. That’s insulting. It did seem that Kenny did a decent job of convincing Rachel that the drama is being led more by Lee and even Rachel confesses that her gut tells her that Kenny is telling the truth. Kenny backtracks (where I’m concerned) when he joins Lee and starts up with the constant babble. Just shut the fuck up and let Lee do Lee, a true asshole can’t keep that shit buried for long. When Lee is put on the stand, I don’t have the first clue where the vile that spewed from his mouth came from. Now, there was truth in Kenny calling Lee names, but am I the only one who doesn’t remember Kenny pulling Lee from a van? Regardless, Lee does tell Rachel that it occurred, he then tells her that the unfriendly side of Kenny only comes out when he (Kenny) drinks and that Kenny has confessed to him that he has a dark side. I haven’t witnessed any of this, but that’s not to say it hasn’t happened, but I don’t think it happened. Lee is definitely laying on the victim card and it may be confusing Rachel, but her look is saying that she doesn’t really believe him. She does pull Kenny away again, to address Lee’s accusations, this is the time where I would put them together and let the argument ensue, but Rachel being the diplomatic one, goes a different route. Kenny of course denies Lee’s accusations and it seems that Rachel believes him, but it also appears that Lee did exactly what he set out to do, which is to rile Kenny up. Whenever you begin having a conversation with thin air, things are probably not going to end well for you and Kenny is all up in the air’s business and even though Lee is just yards away, it seems as if Kenny is more content complaining to no one. What happens next you ask? Well, I don’t fucking know because we have to wait for Tuesday night to roll around for the conclusion. I guess I should be grateful that it’s just one day and not seven.
“I don’t give a damn about Kenny and Lee. Unless someone starts throwing punches, I ain’t getting involved. That said, I will watch.” -Will
“I wish Lee’s dad would’ve instilled a little bit more manhood in him. But maybe Lee’s dad was like ‘nah, that’s a bitch, I’m good. He can go out into the world and let somebody else whip his ass.’. . .”I feel sorry for Lee’s parents, because they gotta be like ‘damn, that’s our son’.” -Kenny
“I would like to lay my cock on your fucking chin, because you’re a bitch.” -Kenny *I actually had to put the pieces of this quote together, good thing I know all about being a BXTCH and speak it fluently.
“I love parents.” -Jack
“Brah, she likes Bryan.” -Josiah
Well, we most certainly are getting somewhere. I know I have been beating this Lee thing over and over again, but I’m a wordy BXTCH and I just don’t find the issue to be nugatory-shout out to Ryan Skidmore for schooling a BXTCH on a new word. Much love!-It’s no secret that those who run these reality shows like to pit a good guy against a bad guy, I get that, but this situation is getting a bit dicey. We are dealing with someone who we now know is a racist, consistently trying to egg on a black contestant. We can argue points all day long, but what really cemented Lee as a bonafide asshole is when he confesses to the camera that he was gonna “get his girl” and he wasn’t referring to himself, he was saying that he was gonna get Kenny’s girl. That alone clued me in to Lee’s true mission and it’s not to give Rachel his last name. C’mon, he has to know that Kenny is not leading the field when it comes to his relationship with Rachel, so really he’s just being a d-bag. I’m certainly not excusing Kenny, I think this would be the perfect time to educate him on how to walk away. If Dean is able to recognize Lee’s less than noble ways, then surely Kenny should’ve identified it. I’m not suggesting a run to Rachel to tell her that Lee is racist, but let the chips fall and I can guarantee that they will land where they are supposed to.
Do we think that the sexual chemistry she has with these guys are going to play a big role in her final pick? While I think it’s important, do we believe that she will lean towards someone that she has an intellectual spark with, but has yet to get a rise in her libido with? Because for the love of the reverse cowgirl, let’s talk about the sexual tension that is brewing between Rachel and Bryan AND Rachel and Peter. Just when I jump on one team, I’m forced to switch positions, because the other one then brings in their tongue game. My top four are: Bryan, Peter, Anthony, and Alex. I’m a bit shaky about Alex, but after the kiss he laid on her tonight, I may keep him around a bit. I do have Peter being the one on bended knee in the end and after that hot tub scene tonight. . .girl, you better be ready to take that for a ride. But, Good Golly Miss Molly, I love the way Bryan takes control of the kiss and goes all in. . .and if he’s that good with working the lips on her face, can you BXTCHES just imagine. . .But hey, we were all witnesses to the way Peter used his hands on her ass in the water, I ain’t mad at that. I guess the conclusion is, we’ll just have to wait and see.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
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