BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I don’t know how we actually got through the last week, we didn’t have Rachel and the drama filled angst that her boys bring every Monday to kick it off. . .we had to be satisfied instead with the NBA and the boys from Cali celebrating in their victory, and c’mon let’s face it, that was anti-climatic at best. . .totally expected and left me not quite satisfied. And in other news, you BXTCHES know we’re gonna have to talk about the shit that’s going down on BIP and I will most definitely get to it, but it won’t be until Final Thoughts, so hold off on your happy ending until then. This week’s episode of The Bachelorette almost puts The Young and the Restless to shame, that’s how soapy it was. During/after Jojo’s season, I remember thinking how much more bat shit crazy the guys are than the girls. And unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you like your dick cooked), Jojo’s season wasn’t an anomaly, Rachel’s boys did their homework and are coming at us, full on bitch-mode. These motherfuckers could have their own reality show on the Lifetime network. Since we missed a week, let’s do a quick re-cap. . .
Last Week On: DeMario asked for another chance and our Queen said “Hell to the Naw!” (R.I.P. Whitney). . .the hot mess that was brought to us by Blake and Lucas got sent home, but not before a pseudo fight that could’ve and would’ve been put to shame by third graders (and that’s probably an insult to all of those trekking through the elementary school life). . .we got to watch some beautiful things go down on Ellen, which only proved that there is a Bachelor/ette god somewhere and wishes are granted, Fred did get sent home on that group date, because according to Rachel, kissing him was like kissing a boy, surely that deflated his dick. . .Eric begins the obligatory freak out, the one every season brings, thinking that Rachel is going to “Fred” him and that just opens a whole box of crazy that continues into tonight’s episode. . .we got visits from some of Rachel’s besties from last season and we also got some pretty intense mud wrestling. Fun times. We also got hit with another “To Be Continued”. . .
This Week On: They’re headed to Hilton Head, SC and this week will give us (2) one-on-one dates and (1) group date. Though the second one-on-one won’t come until next week.
Tonight we are continuing the cocktail party from last week and for a quick reminder, date roses were given to: Alex, Anthony, and Eric. Unfortunately, we pick up right where we left off and that’s with a bunch of men arguing like a bunch of (insert whatever descriptor fits here). Lordy lou, I hope these guys never get a good blowie again. Truth is, I’m not really on anyone’s team, my favorites aren’t even engaging in the nonsense, BUT. . .I can’t even consider Lee’s position anymore, given what I now know about him and not that I’m a violence oriented gal, but that body slam Kenny put on his ass last week, is starting to make my toes curl. In the end, nothing got solved, Eric gave us a “You do you, Imma do me” shout out, and I have come to the conclusion that when it comes time to show off some prowess in the bedroom, these are the type of guys that poke around hoping to hit the right hole, finishing right after beginning, and then blame the woman for not getting hers when she had the chance. In other words, they’re a bunch of chumps. But, let’s keep telling the story. . .when Kenny sits down with Rachel, it doesn’t take long for Lee to try and cut their conversation short, Kenny asks for sixty more seconds, Lee hears sixteen and actually stands off to the side and counts, like the small-minded fool he is. On a side note: First, when did manners become non-existent? And, for all of these contestants who think it’s cute to impede on someone else’s discussion. . .do you think that’s sexy? Do you think it causes her nipples to stand at attention or make her loins quiver? Just once, I would like to see one of the Bachelor/ettes say “Do you hear me talking? It is rude to interrupt, now you get to go to the end of the line.” Besides being a racist, small dick asshole, we know that Lee is an aspiring country music singer and given the romantic nature of the show and the fact that there is probably a lot of alone/down time, Lee could’ve whipped up some verses that would’ve had Rachel dying to move up the date of the Fantasy Suites and even if he’s not skilled enough in coming up with the right words, he could’ve crooned his favorite tune (surely he knows who Conway is) and had her going in to thank him with her tongue. . .but not Lee, he interrupted Kenny so he could show Rachel that he carved the word ‘enchanting’ into a piece of wood with a knife that belonged to his grandfather. Remember the third graders I spoke of earlier? They do more intricate projects in art class. . .JFC, there is no way that this idiot has ever looked a pussy in the eye, I’m assuming he still calls his mother whenever the wind blows and his dick begins to tent. . .Dean may have Lee figured out. . .“The only people that I’ve seen Lee pick fights with have been not the people that uh, he’s used to seeing on a daily basis, from a cultural perspective.” The producer then asks “What do you mean?” to which Dean responds with “You know exactly what I mean when I say that. The longer Lee sticks around the more everyone will become aware of his intolerance.” Dean has just shot up my list.
Ahhh Bryan (that’s me swooning). He may be putting on a show, but Good Lawdy Miss Clawdy he is good, because I’m all in. Rachel does call him out a tiny bit, she tells him that his charm scares her or rather his use of it. She thinks it’s too good to be true, he thinks it’s a fairy tale and he then lays on the reassurances, then lays on the lips and all of the fear is forgotten. Kenny gets more and more “salty” (his description, not mine) the longer he sits and marinates in Lee and makes the decision to have himself a chit chat with the wood whittler. A chit chat that gets fully blown into wrestling match of the yelling kind. One that gets so loud, Rachel and Bryce get interrupted. And the craziness mixed with the drama of the night, has Rachel discouraged. During her confessional she breaks down about the pressures that the experience is bringing and how in the end she will be the one judged for the decisions that she makes. Since the cocktail party has deflated quickly, Rachel makes the decision to just get on with the Rose Ceremony and put some out of their misery, sooner rather than later.
Bryan, 37
Peter, 31
Will, 28
Jack, 32
Iggy, 30
Eric, 29
Jonathan, 31
Alex, 28
Kenny, 35
Dean, 26
Matt, 32
Anthony, 26
Josiah, 28
Lee, 30
Adam, 27
Kenneth “Diggy”, 31
Brady, 29
Bryce, 30
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As you can very well tell, Lee keeps ticking on. . .and maybe this BXTCH is reading too much into it, but when she gives him the very last rose, it was with reluctance. This is why I can’t get on board with the idea of buying your groceries online, then going to pick them up. I don’t want anyone picking out my apples, so I definitely couldn’t get behind someone picking out my dick. No way, I need to be the one who examines it and feels it out for bad spots and any signs of spoilage. That way when I take a big ole’ bite out of it and the taste it just not right, I ain’t got no one to blame but me.
The ones left head off to South Carolina and check into their resort and in true Gag Me With a Spoon fashion (yes, I did take a trip to 1982 and brought that back as a souvenir), stand on the balcony while crying out “Rachel!!!”. . .my vagina just dried up faster than the Sahara. The date card arrives and everyone is jonesing at the chance for the first one-on-one away from LA. But, Dean is the only one that gets that privilege and his date starts almost immediately after the card is read. BXTCH side commentary: It’s almost comical to watch how stressed the guys get over not being knighted with a date and I’m sure it does something not so great to a man’s ego when they are forced to watch someone walk away hand in hand with the girl that makes you feel all tingly. But, here’s my take. The ones that Rachel is picking right now are the ones that she needs sequestered time with, just to make sure that there is a spark there. Dean is the youngest of the bunch at 25. Rachel is 31, so my guess is, she is just looking to be reassured that his age isn’t gonna pose a problem.
One-on-One Date: Dean, “Our love is about to take off.” -Rachel. The date starts with a little picnic and during that interaction, a blimp flies overhead and we quickly learn that the next phase of the date is going to be a ride in the blimp, we also learn that Dean is terrified of heights, so this should be an adventure. While I felt Dean’s trepidation in boarding the blimp, I don’t think I could have, however, I must admit that the views were pretty spectacular. Rachel and Dean got the opportunity to sit in the driver’s seat and the cherry on top of the sundae was when the blimp flew by the resort, announcing to the other guys that “Rachel and Dean are in here” and “Rachel and Dean 4 Eva”, it didn’t sit well with the others. Rachel and Dean’s discussion flew very organically and even the kiss was natural, so as much as the guys were hoping that Dean’s age was gonna come into play, so far he’s killing it.
The crew went out of their way for the nighttime portion of this date. It is so picturesque that one couldn’t help but start to fall. Even though I know that we are only four episodes in, but so far the “get to know you” convos that are happening during the one-on-ones are right on point. Dean and Rachel talk about how they grew up, which leads to a very depressing story about how breast cancer claimed Dean’s mom when he was just 15, it was a very sad Terms of Endearment moment, but one that brought Rachel and Dean closer together. Of course he gets the rose and the kiss. Doing what ABC seems to do best during some of these dates. . .promotion, Russell Dickerson gets the nod. Which I guess the tactic works, because even this BXTCH looked him up. The song is Yours and is from his yet to be released debut album. I am not a fan of the concert with the couple dancing on a platform for all to see and take pictures of and record BUT it got the job done because Dean confesses that he is starting to fall in love and that it was the best date he has ever been on. I would like to use this time to point out that Lee wouldn’t even need a concert to go off to, he could’ve put on his own private show. . .for one. . .but decided to be a whiny little bitch instead. Well played ABC, well played.
Group Date: “I wanted to see who was ready for commitment.” -Rachel. Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah meet Rachel on the docks and get ready for what I’m sure is going to be a very interesting date. I mean they are going to board a boat, so I wouldn’t be surprised if someone gets chunked into the water. The date starts off with a dance line of sorts, one that was not impressive in the least, it border lined on embarrassing when Jonathan aka Tickle Monster showed us his moves. When Peter gave Rachel her Titanic moment (without the boat sinking and death and the depressing stuff), I think it started to dawn on the other guys just how crazy good their chemistry is. She already had them take off their shirts, well most of them anyway, Josiah tried to show off by doing some push-ups, Kenny pulled out his inner rapper which was countered by Peter doing the same. Now, I’m no hip-hop expert and I think it takes some nerve to just stop and freestyle and I’m not even going to critique either one, but when Peter steps up to channel his inner Vanilla Ice, I would’ve went with Eminem, but trust a BXTCH when she tells you it wasn’t even close. . .this is the look on Rachel’s face.
We all know what that look means and it has nothing to do with words coming out of his mouth and more to do with what she is wanting to put in hers. That girl wants some of Peter’s jiggle juice. The rap was horrible and somewhat adorable at the same time. . .it could not have been easy for that white boy to lay down some rhymes, he used the word ‘fart’ for crying out loud. I feel like this portion of the date would have been much more effective if they would’ve just dropped trou and pulled out a ruler. But now it’s time for the intellect portion of the date. . .the Spelling Bee. When that bomb was dropped, you could easily pick out the ones who knew they were not going to last long. Let’s just get to who was eliminated and on what word:
Kenny-champagne (champange)
Iggy-boudoir (bourdeaux)
Eric-Facade (physde)
Peter-Coitus (quicui)-he didn’t even get to finish (no pun intended)
Anthony-boutonniere (boutenere)
Will-physiological (psy) he didn’t get to finish either
That left Josiah the winner of the spelling bee and what I’m assuming he believes to be, a direct road to wedded bliss. Now it’s time for the night to descend upon us and for the drama to commence. Peter is up and turns on the romance (yum!). We do learn that Rachel liked Peter’s freestylin’ skills (I really just think she LIKES Peter and it wouldn’t have mattered what words came out of his mouth, she was gonna eat em up). Rachel prefers bare feet when she is home, Peter does as well. We also learn that Peter is willing to install heated hardwood floors just so her feet stay warm. The discussion moves to who would move where (it’s chemistry y’all) and both would be willing to relocate and this is also where we learn that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin (hello, someone has given this thought) and that Rachel really likes kissing Peter. We also learn at this juncture that me and my sisters are on the same page with Peter. . .we love him so much. Her one-on-one time with Eric was interesting to say the least, speaking of learning (we’re doing a lot of that tonight), this is where we learn that our girl is drunk and Eric is not easing into any sort of relationship. . .he is still very uncomfortable around her and his flop sweat is putting that all on display. Every time Iggy gets his chance, he becomes the cover of OK! Magazine. I’m wondering if he is a mole, just put there to report back to Rachel of what is happening with the guys, because once again. . .he’s about to update. Iggy now brings Josiah to the conversation, telling Rachel that not all is what it seems where the Spelling Bee champ is concerned. Iggy justifies his actions by telling Rachel how protective he is of her AND I have yet to witness any sort of intimacy between the two of them. . .ohhh, maybe I’m not far off with the mole idea. And to add kerosene to an already raging inferno, Iggy rats himself out once he returns to the guys. When Josiah goes off on his rant to the camera, we learned (very educational episode) that Iggy does drugs and shoots steroids into his testicles (according to Josiah), so that should be some fun times in the bedroom. Lee starts his discussion with how positive he is, so much so that some believe that it comes across as Lee being disingenuous (spoiler alert: it does), but it doesn’t take long for Kenny vs. Lee to be brought up. I think at this point, someone in the house should be the designated newsletter, it would make it so much easier to have everything summed up in clear, concise sentences. He tells Rachel how aggressive Kenny was towards him, which leads Rachel to having a discussion with Kenny. It starts off well, he wows her with another rap, that has Rachel smiling from ear to ear, however, it doesn’t take long for her to bring up the drama. He does admit to not handling the whole situation the right way and as he is making the best effort to ease Rachel’s mind, it’s Bryan’s turn and Kenny’s chance to clear up anything is over. Kenny walks away from the discussion believing that Rachel is on Lee’s side, because apparently one of his many gifts is the ability to read people and after reading Rachel, that is the conclusion. The frustration is rolling off of him in waves and Lee is about to get the brunt of it all. And that’s all she wrote, because as what seems like is now tradition, we will finish next week. BUT, we do get two days, so stay tuned AND we finally get to understand why it is that ABC has kept Lee around, there will be a two-on-one and it will be Kenny vs. Lee. Who you got?
“I just think Lee’s kind of a . . .bitch?” -Dean
“If I come back with the group date rose, I honestly think I’ll be in the final two.” -Josiah
“With all due respect, Iggy’s a bitch.” -Josiah
“Quirks are um, they go in a wine bottle.” -Jack
“That’s a cork.” -Dean and Brady
“Okay, Jesus.” -Kenny
We’ve gotta talk about Rachel’s breakdown during the Rose Ceremony. I know that this is just some reality dating show that is molded to fit the needs of a network, but you can’t help but have sympathy for Rachel. Her being the first black Bachelor/ette is a huge deal. This season is almost like a pilot for ABC, if it doesn’t work, if the ratings aren’t where they need to be, then it will be vanilla from here on out and that failure will fall onto Rachel’s shoulders, warranted or not. There is no way that some of these guys were the best of the best. . .and the best is what she deserved. I feel like the powers that be gave into the pressures of having a black lead, but would be damned if they were going to make it easy for her. One of her concerns is what people will say about her and how they will judge her for the decisions that she makes. You can translate that to mean whatever you want. . .I did, and here’s what I think. She is feeling pressure each time she sends anyone home, but especially a black contestant. Out of the 15 remaining guys, only 5 are black. . .that’s 1/3 of the pool and much more than what would usually be in the running, so points are scored. I just believe that she thinks that there is one particular audience that is looking for her to lean more towards the interracial side of picking her partner because she was on Nick’s season and that must be what she prefers or what they think she prefers. Then another audience will want her leaning more towards the African-American side of choosing her hubby, because a message would certainly be sent that not only could she hold her own as the lead, but her co-star of color, is shining bright also. This is why I’m furious over the whole Lee debacle. I don’t read spoilers, so I have no idea who comes out on top next week, but can we imagine for one second if she picks Lee over Kenny? How humiliating for her. . .I know she has no idea the kind of vile that Lee represents, but that’s a moot point. . .she has now kept a racist around for four episodes. . .shame on you ABC for not doing a better job on his background. Now back to our regular drama, do we think Lee will show up for the Men Tell All?
Sexual assault has become an issue on the forefront in this country recently, as it should be. And with the latest scandal coming out of BIP, it has forced us to see things through a different lens. In the effort of full disclosure, I should confess the following. I am of the mind set that a woman (or man) can spread their goodwill all over and that should not ever factor in to a case of assault. I am also of the belief that a woman (or man) could strut their stuff naked as the day they were born and it has no bearing on the “they were asking for it” argument. I also think that unfortunately, alcohol sometimes will play too big a role in what the expectations were between two individuals. Having said all of that, I can honestly confess that I don’t know which side of the argument I believed when this story first came out. I read the reports that were out there and when it came to light that alcohol was a key player in the activities that went down, my first thought was “Corinne did get really intoxicated on Nick’s season”, which then I had to mentally slap myself for, because that is the usual defense against a female and I refuse to be a player in that game. Then when the reports started to reveal more, things like. . .though Corinne felt that she was violated, she didn’t necessarily blame DeMario because he was intoxicated as well. . .Corinne went on a show, known for its hook-ups, all the while having a boyfriend back home. . .once the show tried to cut her off, Corinne didn’t take that particular order well. . .Corinne and DeMario both need to own their parts in this fiasco, but I do believe that the show/ABC needs to bear some of the responsibility as well. It is rumored that they wanted a Corinne and DeMario hookup, given their status of “villain” on their respective seasons. It’s also no secret that they continue to ply and ply these contestants with copious amounts of alcohol, all in the name of entertainment. I’m not sure what the eventual expectation was, this was a dangerous game that was going to catch up to them at some point. But here is my real concern, and I may be going against all things vagina, but hear me out. This whole debacle has somewhat become a double edge sword. I do believe that things got a bit escalated between Corinne and DeMario, I also believe that alcohol was the main “I can do anything” factor that allowed them both to lower their inhibitions and go for it. But what is it that caused Corinne to cry violation? Once she was sober, did she realize her fuck up and felt the need for a story to tell her boyfriend? Did she remember the flack she caught on The Bachelor and didn’t want to deal with name calling? Did it dawn on her that she just let a man work out her ladyboner, a man who all but embarrassed who was supposed to be her girl? Here in lies the problem. As a society we slut shame way too much. So what if Corinne wanted to climb DeMario and any other guy on that show like a tree? So what if she put her goodies out for all to see? Is it that, that really bothers us or is it the fact that not only can she do it, she looks good doing it? See, I don’t support or agree with her decision to call foul on the play, she should’ve owned up to what she did and told us all to fuck off, but haven’t we become the society that kinda forces lies to be told? Even I somewhat criticized the way she was with Nick, I liked her, I could see her entertainment value, but it was difficult for me to watch her in a bounce house working his dick like a stripper pole. But why? It shouldn’t have been, we should celebrate women who can be so free with themselves, instead of tearing them down and shaming them for living a life different than our own. And if reports are true and the production crew really did believe that something nefarious was going down, then they should’ve stepped in to stop things immediately. According to the new reports, after a detailed investigation, no wrong doing has been discovered and this is where I actually do have some beef with Corinne. Girl, word of advice from one BXTCH to another, if you are so far gone that you can’t even remember if you enjoyed the dick (or the tongue), then you need to get yourself a spotter. One that will pull you out of any compromised situation you may find yourself in. If that’s not an option, then stop consuming alcohol when there’s a possibility that you may go all cowgirl on someone, it’s obvious that you are someone who would do better sipping some sweet tea when you got your eyes set on having fun in a bounce house. As far as DeMario goes, I may not like the dude, but he is really taking an unnecessary and unfair beating and while I may not understand the lawsuits being thrown around, I understand DeMario’s more than I do Corinne’s. There’s lessons to be learned all around here, from all parties involved and that includes the viewing audience. We watch these shows for entertainment and we think we are well within our rights to throw down the insults and maybe we are. . .but let this be a lesson to how we approach our Twitter accounts from now on. You can actually read about the timeline of events here.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . . 7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
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