Episode Two | 01.09.17

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comIt's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comBXTCHES Gotta Warn: After last week, my goal going forward was to try to blog this re-cap as I was watching the episode. Now that I have actually watched this week’s episode and attempted to be funny, witty, and an all around smart ass, I know that for me, typing while watching, is just not possible. This is a series that requires my full, uninterrupted attention. . .at least for the first go round. I should extend my warning by telling you BXTCHES that this episode was almost torturous to watch. There were multiple times where I had to turn away from the T.V. As a courtesy, I will do my best to bring that awkwardness right into this re-cap, no need to leave you guys out, right?

Last Week On. . .While we learned a lot about the ladies last week, we didn’t get a ton out of the season premiere. But we did find out that one of the Desperately Seeking has not only previously met Nick, but that the meeting ended with them in a bed or a hallway or a bathroom or the backseat of a limo. . .actually I’m not sure where it really ended, but we did learn it ended with Nick’s good stuff running into Liz’s good stuff. We also learned that Corinne not only still has a nanny at the infant age of 24, but is an eager beaver when it comes to wanting to show Nick her’s (beaver that is). There’s Alexis, who is so obsessed with dolphins, that to show her undying affection, she dresses up as a shark. All in all, Nick began this season with 30 woman, salivating at the opportunity to strap on that garter and pull down that veil and make that long walk down the aisle with Nick being their forever. He ultimately eliminates eight, sealing their fate that they are doomed to find their husband through the more traditional ways of Facebook stalking or some crazy dating website like. . .glutenfreesingles.com OR meetaninmate.com (that’s meet-an-inmate) OR millionairematch.com. And yes, these are actual websites where one can find their true love

This Week On. . .Now the tedious (but entertaining as fuuuck) process to dwindle down the pact begins. Not only for Nick, but for us BXTCHES as well. I mean let’s face it, we all believe that at this point, we think we know who the better fit is a little bit better than the actual Bachelor. So, this week is going to give us (2) group dates and (1) one-on-one. Now, if you’re new to this process, the group dates are exactly what they say. This date will last the majority of the day. There will be some sort of a daytime activity that will most likely embarrass one of the contestants and then they all move into the nighttime where they consume copious amounts of alcohol while also getting some one-on-one time with Nick. In the end, Nick will bestow a rose on one lucky, hopeful, bride to be. All that means, is they are safe for another week. The one-on-one date is just Nick and whoever he has chosen. This date also takes all day, with a daytime and nighttime portion. The dinner side is usually the Bachelor/ette and the lucky one talking over a dinner that’s not really a dinner, while trying to discover things about one another. If Nick is happy with the date, he will then offer the lady a rose, if a rose is not offered, then the lady must leave the show. Nothing like stabbing your self-esteem right in the tit. 

Group date #1 this week: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W.. They are given the clue “Always a Bridesmaid”. I’m just gonna dive right in to this mess. The first group date was awkward as all fucks. This date had some look away moments for sure. For this date, the ladies get to participate in a wedding photo shoot with Nick. Now, all of the girls, except three (I think), get to dress up as brides, the rest as bridesmaids. We had an 80’s bride, a shotgun bride, an Adam and Eve bride, a Vegas wedding, Corinne was in a bikini (I have no idea what kind of bride she represented). BXTCH side commentary: ABC, listen up. Who in the name of Bridezilla, thought it would be a great or maybe funny idea to have these women play pretend bride? Because you know. . .why not have women, who are clearly eager to walk down the aisle in real life partake in putting on a wedding gown and stand next to the one that they consider to be “THE ONE”. Nope, no crazy could ever be triggered from that idea. In the end, the photographer will pick the one who he believes has the best chemistry with Nick and that girl will get a “treat”. Corinne is using her time to continue to brag about the kiss she shared with Nick. What she actually says is “Nick was the first person I’ve kissed”, I don’t know if she is insinuating that she’s never kissed before or. . .actually I don’t know what the fuck she meant, I do know that she thinks that her being the first one out of the girls to kiss Nick and her name being the first one on the date card somehow mean something significant. I would suggest she go back and watch Olivia on Ben’s season. Well, to get started, they all go into make-up and all is glorious in Corinne’s white bikini, sexed up world. . .that is until she lays eyes on Brittany, who is supposed to be Eve, as in “Adam and” and even though I wasn’t there all those years ago, I don’t think that Eve looked quite like Brittany did in her fig leaf. If she did, we would be living in a very different world, reading from a very different book. When the photoshoot begins, it’s all about who can outdo who and it’s all done while the other girls look on. Everything is going as good as weird can go. . .many of the brides are taking the opportunity to kiss the groom, even the bridesmaids, which I’m sure got them crossed off some lists at home. During all of the heated moments, Corinne is fit to be tied. Her anxiety over watching other girls kiss her boyfriend, is about to make the bitch’s extensions come out. She constantly talks about how she wants to “kiss Nick all over” all while shooting down champagne. Some advice from me to you, girl: if you got to kick back alcohol in order to soothe the situation, you’re doing something wrong. C’mon Raquel, what’s the point in having a nanny at 24 years old, if you ain’t gonna run up on her with some truth? Adam and Eve are next. It could be sacrilege for me to say the following, considering we are talking about our Biblical parents, but Good Lord. . .if that’s what the Garden of Eden was dealing with, I wouldn’t have just consumed a half bag of chips and instead, I would’ve went to the store today decked out in my leaf, but different times call for different measures. In this version of our story, Corinne is certainly the serpent. I have yet to decide if it’s brillance on her part or a bit harlet like. She and Nick are having some sort of a swim wedding, I didn’t know that was a thing. She looked more Tawny Kitaen circa “Here I go Again” and look, I ain’t hatin’. There isn’t one 80’s white girl alive who didn’t want to be on top of that car and probably not one guy who didn’t tug a little watching it. But the bitch gets into the pool and takes off her top, while pressing her tits against Nick, man I hope the water was ice cold. She then asks him to “Janet Jackson” it and grab em’. But hey, it all works out in the end, because she was the winner of social experiment #1.

When we hit the cocktail hour, it’s time for Nick to get some alone time with the ladies. Up first is Corinne, and I think she is almost three sheets to the wind at this point. They do talk a bit, something about her wearing her heart on her sleeve and her whole heart and she then kisses him and the conversation is over. I think she was trying to go for some sophisticated conversation, when all she really wanted to do was dry hump his leg and somewhere in the process, things got mixed up. We were lucky enough to learn that Raven interrupted her last boyfriend mid thrust with another woman and that she is also attracted to dicks, though she’s not calling Nick a dick. It seemed that Nick was hitting it off with Alexis when Corinne interrupts, and instead of taking a stance, Alexis walks away. Taylor gets her moment with Nick and they begin conversation regarding Taylor’s education, we get as far as her master’s degree and a bit into what she does, when Corinne the Vixen comes back. She should’ve just snuck off somewhere and gave him a good blowie, that way everyone else at least would’ve gotten a little bit of time with him. It seems like it’s gonna be a Taylor vs. Corinne battle, because the next interruption comes from our mental health professional. Ironically Corinne believes that Taylor “re-interrupting” her is “very rude” and not at all classy. Corinne gives a heart wrenching soliloquy on friends vs. non-friends and Nick being the reason for the season, she talks about being out of her comfort zone then turns around and expresses how she is just being her self “just Corinne”, so either she is confused on what comfort zone means or what being yourself means. . .regardless, Nick presents Corinne with the rose and all is right in the bubble of The Bachelor.

Meanwhile at the mansion: The girls are talking about the kiss heard ’round the mansion and Liz strategically drops the “I didn’t kiss him. . .last night” line. You know that friend that will say something, hoping for a certain reply so they can continue with what it is they want to say without being the aggressor. . .well, hello Liz, what is it that you’re dying to tell me? That’s how desperate it was. 

One-on-One Date: “Our relationship is about to take off.” That message was given to Danielle M. and even our neonatal nurse can’t control the fangirl, she even asks for help in picking out her outfit. They take a helicopter to a yacht and imbibe on the drink of the season. . .champagne.  Not much happens on the yacht, that we see anyway. There is some hot tub action and some time face to face. The nighttime brings some truth. They sit down to their non-dinner and begin the past relationships convo. Their rehash starts with Nick giving a rundown on his two seasons on The Bachelorette and how in the end both times, his heart was broken and his pride really took a hit. Now, I’m not sure what it was I was expecting from Danielle, but it sure as shit wasn’t her telling Nick that 5 1/2 years ago, her fiancĂ© died from a drug overdose and she was the one who found him. She seemed to be nervous about telling Nick that news, but he took it like I hoped someone his age would’ve. Since the somberness of that story is out of the way, Nick gives the rose to Danielle and they take a make-out ride on the ferris wheel. 

Meanwhile at the mansion: We get to continue the issue that is Liz. The same. . .nine months ago. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding. . .I knew him before. . .The guilt finally spills over and Liz just has to tell someone and since no one has taken the bait she’s been dropping down, she finally comes clean to Christen, who promises that Liz can tell her anything and she will never say a word about it. I think that line is somewhere in the Mean Girl handbook, I’ll have to check. We do find out that they did make out in the hallway, then went back to her room (so that mystery is solved) where “shit got real”. Our girl didn’t stop there, no no, she proceeds to give out the deets. Apparently lots of alcohol makes for some very robotic sex, I always thought that the term was wild, but who knew? Now, this conversation takes place over three different outfits/bikinis. So, either since she let the cat out of the bag, she can’t stop the word vomit and it literally is taking her three days to tell this story or these BXTCHES think they are putting on their own show and need to please the fans. 

Group date #2 this week: Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz. “We need to talk. . .” That’s a pretty ominous message, I think he’s talking to you Liz. They hit up the Broken Relationships museum, which is quite fitting, considering his first group date involved marriage and the next one involves the break-up. They take a look around the museum and quickly locate Nick’s contribution, he donated a rose and the engagement ring he was going to give to Kaitlyn. They walk in on a couple in the middle of a break-up, because ABC is all about subtlety, which is where they learn that they will be participating in a break-up of their very own with Nick. As they walk around the museum, Liz is doing her best to grab his attention and attempt a conversation with him, but either he’s not ready to talk in public, in front of the other ladies or he is really bad on picking up on hints. Either way, it already has Liz in tears. By the time they hit the performance portion of the date, they get to witness some break-ups before they get their shot. Again, I don’t know whose idea this date was and I feel like I have used the word awkward way too much, but there is no other way to describe this episode. Josephine almost slaps the beard off his fine face, that is how hard she hit him, which may be brave, but I’m not sure if it was too terribly smart. But really, we’re all just waiting for Liz to deliver her blow and that bitch took notes and I mean she actually had note cards with her, so you know she’s about to drop some real shit. I now know what her end game really was. During her break-up performance, she talks about meeting him in a hotel lobby and she brings up Jade and Tanner’s wedding and how no guy has ever fought for her and she really wanted Nick to take that stance. BXTCH side commentary: I think she wanted to give him her number, I just think she wanted him to beg for it. She wanted him to go to Jade and ask her about Liz, she was playing hard to get and he had already closed it up. I believe she was hoping that her coming on the show would trigger some sort of “How Great Thou Pussy Is” memory and he only viewed it as a rejection and I’m no Taylor, but my internal mental health professional is telling me that he’s not going to risk rejection again, that him being turned down is a huge fear for him. Here’s my truth to Liz. . .Girl, you had sex with him nine months prior and even you said it was awkward, why are you trying to deposit another quarter and take another ride on the horse. It was a one night stand, a night that he tried to extend but you threw up the stop sign. So, unless your sex resulted in a human being, being made, you need to move on. No one needs closure over one night. Here’s where the day turns into night and gets real interesting. Nick is stressing over Liz’s break-up performance. He’s worried that she has spread the good news that he knows her really well. His thought is that the girls will think that he has lied to them. I don’t get that. I mean, this is the first round of dates, I’ve been out of the game for a long while, but I’m pretty sure your sexual history isn’t one of the first things to come up. When he gets some alone time with the girls, he quickly realizes that Liz hasn’t told anyone, that is until Christen gets her run in the sun. Even though Christen promised Liz that she wouldn’t say anything, that has flown the coop and she fills Nick in, Nick fills her in and Christen’s time seems to be taken up by talking about Liz and Nick and the sex that was had at, wait for it. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Liz seems to be the last one and it’s time to get the talk out of the way. Nick wants to find out if Liz is interested in pursing a relationship with him or if she is using their past relationship as a means to get on television. In the one-on-one with the camera Nick confesses that he asked for her number and she turned him away, that if she wanted to pursue something with him, she had ways to make that happen. She is the one who told him during the meet and greet on episode #1, that her view of him changed once she saw him on Paradise, but she still didn’t reach out. I think she was hoping that once he saw her on the show, that somehow she was going to move to the front of the line. Once he pulls her away from the ladies, he lets it spill that Christen did let the cat out of the bag. Now, his take on the night in question is a bit different from hers. His claim is. . .fun was had, she described the night as awkward. He does get around to asking her why she hasn’t contacted him if she was in fact interested in having a relationship with him. Her answer to that question is golden, here goes. . .“maybe you asked for my phone number, but I didn’t really know you, you know what I mean?” Even though the word that come out of Nick’s mouth is “yeah”, the look on his face when she says “I didn’t really know you” says “bitch, I deep dicked you and you didn’t feel comfortable giving me your phone number?” She digs herself deeper and deeper when she blames him being away for Paradise and how she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression, I’m not sure how the impression can go anywhere but up. I mean, you contacting him, wanting more of the deep dick should be construed as positive. You could’ve even went with something like. . .“Nick, I know it’s been awhile since Jade and Tanner’s wedding, I was just nervous about contacting you, but I can still feel you between my legs, so how about a date?” See. . .you’re keeping it short, sweet, and complimenting his dick. . .things can only end well from there. She completes the digging of the hole when she tells Nick that she isn’t really one into phone conversations, at least not with those that she already has an established relationship with. I’m gonna let you BXTCHES decode that one. Well in the end it doesn’t matter, Nick ends it telling her that while their night together was fun, he’s really not interested in pursuing anything further with her. After he walks her out, he is left with the task of telling the girls about the night with the one that could’ve been. He tells the ones that remain that he met Liz at. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding and that they had sex that night. This is also where ABC hits us with a “TO BE CONTINUED”!The Bachelor | It's Reality BXTCHES | Episode Re-Cap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

“She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face.”-Corinne

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“Nick held my boobs today, like he held my boobs, okay? No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.”-Corinne

“Cheers, Bitches.”-Corinne

“If Nick likes someone who is leading with their sexuality, no wonder it’s his fourth time.”-Raven

I hope that any future wannabe contestant for this show, is taking notes on how to act. I have nothing against someone having a personality that is sexual in nature, I just don’t think Corinne is that person. I think that in her mind, at the age of 24, she really thinks that the best way to have a man drop down to one knee is for her to drop down on hers. And look, it’s important to know how to knock a man stupid by giving him a blow job for the ages, but you gotta have some mystery kept in the back pocket. Also, privacy is a good thing, learn it and utilize it. 

I wanted to root for Liz, I really did. But she just set that hope on fire when she couldn’t even give Nick a decent explanation on why she was there. The problem with lying is that there is too much to remember and that is where Liz started to run up against a wall. Again, I think she wanted Nick to really pursue her and her finding out about him being appointed as the next Bachelor, made her realize that the only chance she had at being chased was to go on the show. I’m actually okay with that. I think maybe she should’ve just said “Look Nick, I thought about that night a whole lot, it got me through some pretty lonely times and even though I wanted to reach out to you, I was scared at what you were going to say and then when I heard you were going to be the next Bachelor, I couldn’t let some other girl get her hooks into you. . .I know what you taste like and I need more”. . .anyway, maybe not those exact words, but something like that. I just hope she has learned that the next time she wants something to go after it.

I did notice that during the first group date, there was a lot of spit shared, both during the photo shoot and during the cocktail hour. But during the second group date, not one of the ladies was lucky enough to feel how soft Nick’s lips were or were not. 

I can say with confidence that I can go the remainder of my life and not hear the words. . .Jade and Tanner’s wedding ever again. 

After watching an episode like this one, I feel like we need to start raising our kiddos on how to compete for their bride/groom on television, you know. . .just in case. Like it might be beneficial to jot down a how to guide of some sorts. For instance, if I was going to dole out advice to my pride and joys, I would tell them the following: (1) Slow your roll on the alcohol. Drink water instead, because girls are going to be bitches, you need to have a clear mind when dealing with them. (2) Making out is fun, go for it, but remember when you made the decision to have your relationship aired on television, the entire world is watching when you flash your tits, keep it a little classy and a bit mysterious. (3) Don’t be afraid to dig into the good eats, the food is there for a reason. Enjoy it. (4) Stand up for yourself. Don’t let some bitch come and take away your man. When she politely asks if she can interrupt, politely say “fuck no”. Because let’s face it, if you’re my kiddo, that word will frequent your vocabulary. (5) You need to learn to use all of your assets wisely. Your beauty will get you to the door, don’t be afraid to take advantage, but it’s gonna be your wit, personality and smarts that will take you right through the doorway, while giving you the ability to shut and lock out any competition. Do it right. (6) Be the same person to someone’s face that you are to their back. I think the saying goes something like “Pay attention to how someone talks to you about other people, because that is how they talk about you when you’re not around.” I probably didn’t get that exactly right, but the feeling is there. (7) Always trust your instinct. There’s no quicker way to sniff out a bitch then using your gut. (8) When you cry on national television after only a couple of dates, because you know he is the one and you’re just not getting your time with him, you have become an embarrassment to our good family name and I raised your ass better than that. Don’t cry over that petty shit. You shed tears when he does pick you, only for you to realize that he doesn’t either eat the pussy or doesn’t know how to eat the pussy. That’s worth a good sob. 

Maybe I should start some sort of consultation firm. ABC are you listening? Ohhh. . .or maybe write a parenting book.

 Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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