The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Eight Re-Cap | 07.17.17

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comIt's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comBXTCHES Gotta Warn: Tonight is all about the hometown. We’ve come a long way since May 22 and now our girl has narrowed her choices down to FOUR guys. And don’t you feel like she’s your girl? Granted, this is only my second Bachelorette season, but Jojo left me with a bad taste (though I’m happy for her and Jordan), so I feel like Rachel is the real deal and everyone is rooting for her pull that lever and hit at the right time. Anyway, after watching tonight, this BXTCH is feeling a bit blue. It didn’t go the way we all planned for it to and even though my guy(s) are still standing, tonight’s goodbye hit me right in the feels. So brace yourselves BXTCHES, this one is not gonna be easy.

Last Week On: This was one of the first times that I got a bit frustrated with Rachel. Even though I didn’t think Adam and/or Matt would be standing as long as they did, I don’t think that they got a fair shake. But in the end, who really gives a fuck, because I may not have liked the process, the end result was still the same.

Tonight On: HOMETOWNS!!

First up is Eric. It’s no secret that I am not a fan of this guy and I cannot believe that he is still around. But, it ain’t my bed he’ll be coming home to, so who cares what I think. I feel that I need to give a bit of an Eric re-cap (please note that these facts are from the Meet the Cast post that I wrote back in May, so things may have changed):

  • He is 29 years old
  • From Baltimore, but now calls Los Angeles home.
  • According to his LinkedIn account, his current jobs include: Motivational Speaker, Difference Maker, Personal Trainer, Author, and CEO EBiggs Training. 
  • Graduated in 2010 from Hampton University.
  • He has a Facebook account, but it shows absolutely no posts, and there are 215 people following him, who I imagine are sitting around checking their phone, anxiously awaiting what sort of uplifting message will start their day and continue to be disappointed. His Twitter account is a bit more impressive with 421 followers and 5000+ tweets, but his account is set to private, so we’ll have to get motivated through another source. Maybe Instagram (3800 followers), but you could turn to visual motivation and check out his YouTube account, he is only sitting at 110 subscribers, so he could use a bit of a boost. 
  • He is also a published author

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Eric’s first (and only) one-on-one date with Rachel was during episode six, this is where we also learn about Eric’s inability to love because he never really received the love he was craving from his mother. Now, while he never went into detail about his current relationship with the woman who gave birth to him and apparently that was the only thing she was handing out, the conclusion that I drew from that pathetic conversation was there wasn’t a relationship there. In fact, he wasn’t even sure if the feelings he had towards Rachel at that point were feelings of love, because he just doesn’t recognize that particular emotion. I won’t go into much more past detail, all you need to know is that the boy is full of shit. Tonight will be the first time in his eleven years as an adult that he brings home a woman, which would tell all of us watching from the judgmental comforts of our own homes, that maybe Eric is a bit of a whore and the reason no woman has ever reached that familial front door is because he was too busy kicking them out of his. And because I don’t like him, everything about him makes my lip turn up in disgust. From the way he talks, to the way the kisses, but since he is still standing, then I must find the strength to go on, because from the way things are starting to look, Rachel is feeling something for him. 

Upon her arrival, Eric takes her to play some basketball and this is also where a friend of his shows up to give Eric an emotional hand job, Rachel some kind words regarding her boyfriend. One of the accolades his friend bestows upon him is his intelligence, this is the point where I should refer you to the very first Quote of the Show and you can draw your own conclusions on where it is that Eric’s intelligence lies. When they arrive to meet the family, they are greeted by nine people. The three main members being his dad, his aunt, and his mom. In her confessional, Rachel does say that she felt nothing but love and warmth from his family the minute she walked through the door, so again, I may not like him, but I ain’t the one who’s looking to get penetrated by him either. They do kick off with telling the family how it was that they met (on Nick’s ATFR).

Rachel first speaks with Eric’s aunt and the discussion was really on the pressures of being the first black Bachelorette. When they start talking about marriage and family, his aunt does reassure her that Eric is ready for everything Rachel wants. Eric is busy starting the convo with his mother and it quickly turns to him running away from love and how the relationship with his mom wasn’t easy and she wasn’t there for him the way he needed her to be, but he understands that there is a reason for everything. She counters him by saying that their family has a lot of great men and she wasn’t about to let him be a mama’s boy (I’m paraphrasing) and that was her way of showing him love and grooming him into the man he was destined to be. 

Rachel has herself a pretty good discussion with mama and Eric has an equally good one with his dad. Things move to the dinner table, daddy-o makes a toast that sounds like it could’ve come from one of Eric’s books, then Eric makes a toast that made me throw up a little in my mouth. The date ends like all hometowns tend to, with Eric uttering those all important words, of course he follows it up with telling Rachel what he means when he tells her he loves her and in case you are sitting on the edge waiting. . .it just means that he cares about her a lot. Yeah, this is a motherfucker who is ready for love, go ahead and imagine the proposal. . .I dare ya.

Here’s what I thought about this hometown: This is not a man who doesn’t know love. First, I get the impression that his mom was here for this date, only because she’s his mom. I didn’t get the feeling that she was or has been a permanent fixture in his life. But having said that, the discussion Eric had with his mom certainly leaned toward her mothering skills and him feeling like she didn’t love him enough and her explaining why she did the things she did, interestingly this is not the first time this back and forth has taken place and it appears that all has been forgiven in that world and he even expresses to his mother how he loves her unconditionally. That’s a huge change from just a couple of episodes ago. I can’t respect someone who thinks it’s okay to lie to get you from one place to the next, and he flat out let Rachel believe that he is being held back in his ability to scoop love up, all because of his mom. Well, it seems that those issues were resolved a while ago and if he was a child growing up in a loveless home, he is certainly not experiencing that as an adult, in the same home, with the same family. There were a lot of “I love you’s” being tossed from one person to the next. I don’t know why the lie was ever planted, I’m not sure if it’s because his story looks better when told as a young black man faced with adversity, growing up on the hard streets of Baltimore, who didn’t know the love of a mother, but somehow found the strength to overcome the odds and do something with his life. That sounds like a fucking Lifetime movie and is a much better story than a kid who grew up with a family who maybe didn’t always make the best decisions, but he always had the love and support of those around him. Okay, that could also make a fucking good movie, well at the very least a decent PSA. 

Bryan is up next and in case you are suffering from a bit of amnesia, let me remind you BXTCHES that the reason Bryan’s last relationship failed was because of some MamaDrama, his mama that is. Now, I would love a bit more backstory on this, but it looks like it’ll have to come from the ex, because his lips are sealed tighter than a virgin’s where this story is concerned. But, because of my inquisitive nature and also because it’s not too hard to do a quick Google search, I found a couple of his ex girls. Now, Genavieve Boue and Bryan didn’t date too terribly long, but I don’t think she’s the one in question, because from everything that I read (which wasn’t a whole lot), she is pretty supportive of him doing the show and had nothing but accolades to paint him with. The other ex is the shocker because she was actually on Ben’s season on The Bachelor. Remember Jubilee? Oh yeah, according to some sources (not mine, the ones on the internet), Bryan and Jubilee were a brief item. She even went as far to tweet about his face eating kisses. Apparently she is not a fan. . .either that or she’s jealous. I’m gonna go with the latter. Since I re-capped Eric, it’s only fair to do the same for Bryan:

  • 37 years old
  • Resides in Florida. . .Miami to be exact.
  • He is a chiropractor who graduated from the University of Florida in 2003.
  • He has been the Chiropractic Physician/Clinic Director of The Accident and Injury Team since 2009.
  • He was accused of insurance fraud in March 2016, all charges were dismissed without prejudice in March 2017.
  • Oldest contestant
  • Not many posts on Facebook and Instagram account is set to private is no longer active and I couldn’t find anything on Twitter, but I’m sure that will change.

I am pleased to announce that Rachel did greet Bryan in the customary Bachelorette way by throwing herself in his arms and wrapping those legs right around him, but she also gave him a “Hi baby” and he gave her a “bienvenidos a Miami”, and I know where some are with regards to #mamasboy, but I do think that Rachel is feeling it, and I mean that in every way in which it implies. I didn’t want race to be a factor tonight, but Bryan kicks things off by taking her to a dominoes park, cliché much? I had no idea that there was such a thing as a professional domino (or is it dominoes?) player, but that doesn’t hinder the lovebirds from giving it their best shot, they got beat. . .badly. . .but they tried, which is more than I probably would’ve done. I have to literally count the dots and I play a little too slow, I probably bring a great deal of shame to my husbands name, but he’s stuck now. We did get to hear Bryan speak Spanish, so that probably helped soothe the sting of getting the beat down. He shows Rachel the local side of Miami, a lot of the Cuban influences, from the food to the music and dancing, he did a pretty good job in selling the city to her. And it should be noted that they are both wearing the watches that were gifted during the last episode. Bryan does take the time to fill Rachel in on the family and who it is Rachel will meet (mainly mom and dad), this is also where we learn that Bryan is his mother’s only child. #goodluckgirl

There are five people waiting for the couple to arrive. The visit kicks off with a toast from mom, who can’t even make it through saying “the most precious thing that I have in my life”, without tears. And right off the bat, mama has made herself known. Now, this would be a good time for me to poke some fun, but I can’t, because somewhere deep in my soul, I recognize that woman in myself. Lord help my son now, because ain’t no bitch gonna be good enough. 

It’s Bryan and his mom first and she dives right in to why he thinks Rachel is the one. His mom takes the opportunity to remind Bryan that he has been with so many girls and then he goes on a show and falls in love. . .she’s shocked. I think she wanted to say that she doesn’t believe him, but he is her baby boy boo thang and maybe she was trying to be kind. Her face said it all though. I think her disbelief lies in the amount of time or lack of time that it has taken for him to fall in love. Of course she also reminds him that if Rachel doesn’t get along with the mother than “that’s not good”. Rachel’s convo is with some woman with no name? I don’t know if maybe she is a sister with another mom or maybe a cousin, she could be an ex for all we know, ABC should consider doing a better job with these introductions, we BXTCHES really need to know these things. Regardless of who she is, I felt as if she sat with an air of superiority around her, especially since the topic of discussion was his ex and how she integrated herself with his family. Well, I guess she didn’t, which is why she didn’t last, but whoever this chick is, she clearly was given the task of educating Rachel about Bryan’s family, how important the family is, and because of how tight knit the clan is, Rachel should just want to be a part of it. 

When Rachel gets in the hot seat with the mom, the first question asked is what does Rachel see in Bryan that makes him the one and she has her list ready to go. Descriptors such as. . .honest, direct, self-aware, secure, confident, not to mention how good his heart is. . .those are the things that drew her to him. She goes on to say that no other guy has ever treated her the way Bryan has. You would think that every word Rachel utters would be extending a compliment to mom, but the last word I would use in describing her body language at this point, is flattered. I will say that her body was screaming for her to play defense, because she uses this time to basically let Rachel know that “Bryan is my life” and if they make it down the aisle, then Rachel will be marrying into that family. Shout out to our girl for letting mom know that she feels that he would be marrying into her family as well. She (mom) goes onto to explain the difficulties of marriage and how above all else, love is the most important component one must possess. 

In the end, the family approves and Bryan is in love. Now, here are my thoughts. Peter may be at the top of my list, but I’m okay with it being Bryan and Rachel in the end. The only warning sign would be his mom and I don’t necessarily mean that in a negative way. Okay, maybe a tiny bit negative, but here it is. . .Bryan’s mom made it crystal clear that Bryan is the love of her life (way to seal the deal for the husband) and even though they both shared a laugh after the “I will kill you” comment (see Quotes of the Show), no one will be laughing if Rachel breaks his heart and that BXTCH comes through on the promise. But the underlying comment was when she told Rachel that a woman has the power to move the man away from his family and she didn’t have to speak the words for anyone to pick up on the meaning, which was. . .Rachel best not get any ideas about moving Bryan to Texas and away from him mama. He was smart about how he handled the first part of the date. He showed her the local side of Miami and what it is that he loves about the city. Sprinkle in a very close family and the U-Haul is gonna be in Rachel’s future, not Bryan’s. All in all, I think the date went well, she didn’t return the sentiment of love in words, but she planted them on his face.

Fan favorite (well, at least our favorite) Peter is up and let’s hope he comes to win. But, in the spirit of equality, here is the re-cap:

  • 31 years old
  • Personal Trainer, Model, and volunteer for the Make-A-Wish foundation.
  • From Madison, WI (current hometown).
  • Attended Madison Area Technical College.
  • Owner at Worth Personal Training.
  • Personal Instagram account is set to private-however is no longer private, his business Instagram (@worthpersonaltraining) is public as well.

They meet up in Madison and the farmer’s market. During her confession time, Rachel still has concerns over whether or not Peter is ready for his meeting with Neil Lane. We already know that Peter will not adorn her finger with any sort of ring, if he is not ready. The problem? Rachel is ready and she is looking for someone who is at the very least, is in the same place as she is. Keep your fingers crossed for that beautiful man, because for every reason Rachel has for keeping Peter, she has one for sending him home. The day eventually brings them to a local bar, where Peter has arranged for some friends to meet up. Surely I wasn’t the only one who noticed that the two couples who showed up were playing in the interracial dating pool? Maybe it wasn’t done purposely, but good move Peter. There wasn’t a whole lot revealed during this time, I guess at some point during Rachel and Peter’s time, he did confess that 80% of his closest friends are black, that seems like a very strange thing to reveal during a date, regardless of your dates skin color, but it got a chuckle out of Rachel. It was a bit more awkward than it was easy going, but that could be blamed on a first time meeting or the fact that cameras were all up on them. . .but here is where Peter won me over even more. When he gets his two besties alone, he lays it all out. The conversation went something like this. He does have feelings for Rachel, but he does not yet know how those feelings will translate outside the box that is The Bachelorette. What will it feel like in the real world, where he wakes up next to her every day. So while he knows he is feeling something strong for her, is it strong enough to get him to the place where he is asking her to be his forever? His friends do offer some guidance by telling Peter to not get to caught up in the future, stay in the moment, because no one ever really knows what the future holds, but if you have the right person by your side, that is what matters. 

It’s time to meet the family. . .mom (Lynn). . .dad (Gary). . .brother (David). . .sil (Brooke). . .niece and nephew (Charlotte and Hudson). After hugs are given out, it’s time to tell their story, you wonder if the crew has ever had to yell “CUT!”, because the Bachelor/ette began telling the wrong story and got their girl/boyfriends mixed up? 

Rachel gets time with the sister-in-law first and she tells Rachel that Peter is someone who is caring and wears his heart on his sleeve. She does believe that he is ready for the next step, but she also believes that there is something holding him back. That sounds a little contradictory to me, but maybe the in law is just trying to cover every base, I was a bit busy trying to check out the marquee next to the in law, that not only was lit up, but also said something along the lines of “Welcome Rachel”, so I could’ve missed something. 

Peter gets time with his mom, who is sporting a hairstyle that is awfully similar to Kate Gosselin circa 2009, surely someone could’ve helped Lynn out, but I suppose we ain’t tuning in to see to the style she’s rocking, we’re actually interested in the advice she’s about to dole out to her son, so let’s continue. He confides that he’s afraid he’ll miss an opportunity if he still has his walls up when it comes time to propose and instead of his mom telling him what he should do, she offers him her support. . .so Kate Gosselin aside, I may like myself some Lynn. 

Rachel and Lynn sit down for a fireside chat and question #1: “Where do you see four years from now?” Four is an awfully random number, but Rachel doesn’t skip a beat when she tells her that she sees herself married, with more than one kid. She goes onto to talk about her parents and how they have been married for 38 years. But, I wanna go back to the four years. I’m not sure what the actual timeline looks like, but four years is just a mere 48 months. Now I’m not trying to Rachel Green this shit, but assuming that she won’t be walking down the aisle for at least a year, ABC does have a schedule after all and we all know that those nuptials will be aired, and also assuming that she won’t get knocked up until the “I do’s” are exchanged, we are now down to 36 months. Going on to assume the happy couple will need at the bare minimum one year of martial bliss before the egg gets fertilized, we are now down to 24 months and she is wanting more than one kiddo, so allow 18-20 months to cook the little fuckers and the actual time they will be married before the pitter patter of little feet. . .a year and a half at the most. If this was the real world minus cameras and ratings, then maybe that’s doable, but even then, that’s not a lot of time. Add in cameras and ratings and possibly even more reality shows, then I could sense some doom. I hope not, but maybe Rach should rethink those expectations. Back to Lynn, when asked if she thinks Peter is ready for all that Rachel desires, her answer was a bit weird. Yes, he is ready to start a family. Yes, he is ready to have someone in his life to share those things with and yes, he is ready for a commitment, but she doesn’t think he is necessarily ready for the ring and the proposal and the marriage. . .yet. 

Before goodbyes are said, Rachel and Peter pop a squat on the front steps to talk about the day. I feel that Rachel was trying to get him to express himself by using the word ‘love’, but I believe she was being a little backhanded about it, using her hometown with Nick as the game changer in that relationship. Peter had nothing but positive vibes and thoughts regarding the day and after seeing her interact with his friends and family, moved him even more in the direction of asking for her hand, but I think all she can see are the walls he has up, she’s not hearing the message he’s sending out. 

First the bad news. I do think that we are down to a Peter vs. Bryan finale and I think Bryan may have moved ahead tonight, especially after he was able to breath a sigh of relief where his mother was concerned. While I don’t think Peter is too far behind, I also don’t think either one of them (Rachel or Peter) are fighting for the relationship in a way that would reassure me that Peter is gonna be the last man standing in the end. Here’s what I’m trying to say. . .I’m sure Rachel’s discussion with Lynn didn’t fill her with the warm fuzzies she was hoping for, but I’m confused on why she just didn’t sit with Peter and discuss it. In the real world, any talk about marriage six or so weeks into a relationship, would be grounds to Usain Bolt your ass out of there, but this isn’t the real word, both parties willingly agreed to participate on a show where the end result is an engagement, so why not talk about the elephant. Why didn’t Peter tell Rachel the same concerns he shared with his friends. He could’ve easily put her mind at ease by telling her that he needs to know what her morning breath smells like or maybe he needs to see drunk Rachel come out and play or maybe he just needs to see what her clothes look like in his closet BEFORE he can be sure that their union is a forever union. I can’t for the life of me figure out why Rachel is so bothered by these walls. If you aren’t comfortable enough to sit and have the difficult discussions, then forget about fucking marriage. I have always proclaimed that love is easy. It’s easy to cuddle up to your person while whispering how much you love them and it’s fun to make out with them, hoping that it leads to the really good stuff. . .love is the easy part of marriage. The hard part? The ‘despite the fact’ part. For example, as I type these words, my husband is laying next to me, snoring like a goddamn freight train, so I love my husband although I would really like to shove him out of the bed and listen to his body hit the ground, just to stop the snoring. Another example? I still want to fuck my husband on the regular despite the fact that I have trained him over and over again on the proper way to hang up clothes, but since he refuses to take notes, still can’t get it quite right. And this goes both ways, my husband has nothing but adoration for me, even though I become a raging bitch once a month, sometimes more and I can’t even blame biology. And trust a BXTCH, there are times when I look in the mirror and even shock myself, but I know despite the fact that I may look like I could star on an episode of The Real Housewives of the Trailer Park, my husband has nothing but hunger when he sees me. I’m gonna have to stop the ‘despite the facts’ here, because I could write a book. So, I can’t blame Peter for wanting to make sure that the connection with Rachel is still electric long after the ‘Peter and Rachel: Stars of The Bachelorette’ chapter ends and they see how well they can actually dodge the balls being thrown at them in the wonderful game of Dodgeball that some of us call life. 

I’m gonna focus more of my time on Dean and Rachel with what I actually thought, but first things first here is your re-cap:

  • 26 years old
  • Recruiter for a tech recruiting company in Los Angeles (where he resides).
  • Attended the University of Colorado.
  • When asked “What does being married mean to you?” His answer: “I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.”
  • He has a pretty decent Instagram following (close to 3000) and with a name like deanie_babies, would you expect anything less? His current Twitter account only has 69 followers and just one tweet, so clearly deanie_babies is his bread and butter.
  • He also met Rachel on Nick’s ATFR and you’ll remember him because he is the one who told Rachel “I’m ready to go black and I’m never gonna go back.” So, definitely looking forward to this gem.

Remember, last week during his one-on-one with Rachel, Dean came clean about his apprehension where meeting his family was concerned. Rachel did put his mind at ease and we are now to the part where the meet and greet is inevitable. The date kicks off with Dean and Rachel riding some ATV’s. This alone is one of the reasons I think Rachel is drawn to Dean, he has a very natural ability to have fun, which most likely brings some spontaneity to what is probably a very stressful life for Rachel. Talk quickly turns to Dean’s family and who it is that Rachel will be meeting. Both of his bothers (Brad and Ross) will be there, along with his sister (Skye), his brother’s girlfriend (Ashley) will also be in attendance. His dad has converted to kundalini yoga and all in which that implies. He now goes by his self given name, Parumrup, which means ‘divinely beautiful’. He has remarried and the step mom is Santantar. Now, from what Dean confesses to Rachel, most of this conversion took place only six years ago and if everyone shows up, it will be the first time they have all been under the same roof in eight years. He hasn’t spoken with his father in two years and has only met his step-mom twice, to say that the discomfort was displayed in every one of Dean’s mannerisms would be an understatement, he was looking forward to this about as much as one would look forward to having a steel rod shoved into their dick hole. Given the way in which Rachel was raised, I think she is having a hard time understanding why it is that Dean has gone so long without speaking to his father, so she throws that question out there, which has Dean responding with “Is it my responsibility to talk to my dad? Like, is it my responsibility to reach out to him and make sure there is a relationship there?” He admits to not really trying to make the effort, but really placing the blame on the elder. 

Up to this point, it’s been the men reassuring a very nervous Rachel that things are going to be fine (where meeting the family is concerned), this date it was the other way around. Rachel is doing what she can to calm Dean down. They arrive to the family sitting in a semi-circle on the floor and when his dad says “We were waiting on King Dean to show up.”, that gave me every insight I needed where his dad was concerned. It’s quite obvious that Dean lives a very different life from the simplistic one his dad lives and from that comment, it seems that Parumrup doesn’t think too highly of Dean’s lifestyle. The gong gets played and while it made Dean very uncomfortable, Rachel seemed to be relaxed by it. When Parumrup presented Dean and Rachel with feathers, that were a symbolic representation of Dean’s mom, you could sense the love the entire family had for her and even the yogi shed some tears. That was one of the few shining moments of this date.

This whole hometown quickly morphs into some weird ass therapy session. Dean goes with his father and Rachel goes with Dean’s sister. Rachel brings up the subject of Dean and dad and how she knows it’s been a while since they have talked. I’m not sure what anyone was trying to get from digging, but all that happened was the can got opened and worms began to crawl. You didn’t need Dr. Phil to come to the conclusion that this family (especially the kiddos) have not dealt with the grief that the passing of their mother brought and it’s been ten years. As soon as Skye even dips her toe into that pool, the tears start. She does go on to tell Rachel about how Dean has been through so much and how strong he is and how much she admires him. Solely based on the very small snippet of convo that ABC aired, this family needs to have some grief counseling, ten years ago. The talk with dad started with him criticizing Dean in a very underhanded way. Dean looks about as interested in having this conversation as one would be in talking about how many ex-lovers they have had. His dad takes all the credit for how well Dean has turned out, which prompted Dean to ask whether or not Parumrup feels that he is still fulfilling his role as a father, which leads into talks of the past. I think that Dean was really doing a great job in getting his anger off his chest, but his dad just rebuffed every gripe he had. Dean wanted his dad to get angry, he wanted to both discuss how his mom passing made him feel, while hearing how it made his dad feel. His dad does open up some, but I think it came at a cost because when Dean tells his dad that he felt abandoned, Parumrup ends the discussion. When Dean tells his dad that he loves him, regardless. . .all he got in return is a “Well, whatever.”

Parumrup runs into Rachel outside, and when she requests to talk over by the fire, he’s done. She does thank him for his hospitality and when he goes on to say what he needs to, it was almost as if he forgot about the cameras and once he realizes that they are capturing every word, he shuts down. He had kind words for Rachel, but in the end, he needed to be done with all things ABC and The Bachelorette.

When Rachel finds Dean, he does tell her that he is falling in love with her and SPOILER ALERT. . .she tells him the same.

I’m actually gonna share my thoughts on Dean’s hometown in my Final Thoughts.

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Tonight’s heartbreak will be coming to us from Dallas, Texas. . .way to give a BXTCH a heads up ABC. . .and Chris Harrison finally makes an appearance. It’s quite obvious that each Rose Ceremony is more difficult than the last, so it stands to reason that tonight may actually split Rachel’s heart in two. When all is said and done, here is the order in which the roses were handed out:

The Bachelorette 2017 | Meet the Cast | It's Reality BXTCHES | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Bryan, 37

The Bachelorette 2017 | Meet the Cast | Episode Re-Cap | It's Reality BXTCHES | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Eric, 29

The Bachelorette 2017 | Meet the Cast | Episode Re-Cap | It's Reality BXTCHES | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Peter, 31

Leaving Dean and the rest of us with any sort of a pulse, left to wonder that if in the end, his family did him in.
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“So for me, I think this is the most important step I’m ever took in my life.” -Eric

“. . .and Miami just screams Bryan. It’s hot, it’s steamy, there’s something sexy about it. Sometimes it speaks to you in Spanish. I mean, this is Bryan.” -Rachel

“Bryan’s my life. He’s my love. He’s my pride.” -Bryan’s mom

“If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.” -Bryan’s mom

“I am letting myself feel all the feels, and it feels good.” -Rachel

As someone who has been married for 18 years (shout out to my BOO!), I feel that I am more than qualified to offer Rachel some advice. Now, her parents have been joined together in holy matrimony for 38 years, surely they have some words of wisdom of their own. . .but I have the blog, so my rules. While I understand Rachel’s trepidation about Peter and where he stands at the moment, I am reading from a totally different book. If anything, this would make me even more sure about Peter being the one. I can’t judge one for how quickly or not quickly they fall in love or at the very least declare it, but to punish someone that you are clearly starting to fall in love with, all because he may not be ready at the end to drop down to one knee, kinda makes you look selfish. I get that you are not looking to end this process with just a ‘boyfriend’, but isn’t it better to be sure before you make that walk? Lots of talk about pressure, pressure on being the first African-American lead on this franchise, pressure from both sides of the road. . .if this ends in a break-up, then not only are you just another reality t.v. statistic, but now the chances of another lead of color taking the reins are slim, and while that burden shouldn’t fall at your doorstep, it has. Thirteen seasons of The Bachelorette and five couples are still together, that’s about a 38% success rate, so the odds are most certainly in your favor. . .but why rush it. You’re not buying a car, you’re buying your forever. . .take a moment and savor, trust in your gut, and believe in love. . .BUT. . .if Peter wasn’t quick enough in putting the words out there, I think I can speak on behalf of BachelorNation with certainty when I say. . .we’re gonna need Peter to be the next Bachelor.

Two of our guys tonight outfitted themselves in pants that gathered at the ankle. Is this a new thing? Or am I just out of touch? We did have an entire conversation about booties on Gucci belts and smacking yourself with some Chanel, so I sometimes like to think I’m good to go with what’s current, but I can fucking guarantee you that if my husband came home in a pair of pants that not only showed off the socks (or lack thereof) that he is sporting, but will also leave an indention in your skin, then my lady boner is gone and it’s not coming back for a while. I think Bryan is sexy as fuck, but even him in those pants couldn’t give me an erection. Oh and it was Bryan and Dean who miscalculated the sexiness of pants that scrunch up around the ankle.

Hometown dates are supposed to feel good. They’re supposed to invoke a sense of pride in the one bringing you home. They get the opportunity to show you around town and plan a date for once, while you get the chance to see them in their element, in a place where comfort and love is pouring from them. Dean’s hometown took every one of those qualities and did the exact opposite. ABC and Rachel knew last week how uncomfortable Dean was with the idea of introducing her to his family. Not only that, but they were also made aware of how long it had been since Dean has spoken with his family, his father in particular, and the reasons why. So, why make Dean go through with it? Why couldn’t Dean use the hometown as a way to introduce Rachel to his city and friends, those he picked to be his family? The only thing Rachel and ABC did tonight, was make sure that the next in line for Dean’s heart will not even get to knock on his dad’s door. Watching it all unfold the way it did, broke my heart. It should be said that when Eric and Bryan both confessed their love for Rachel, she did not say it back, but she did with Dean. While she was left to wonder if the reason behind Dean’s proclamation was triggered by the events that unfolded with his family, I can’t help but wonder if her sentiment was uttered as a way to comfort Dean. I didn’t think Dean would be the one in the end, but once he made it painfully clear how much he was hesitating over the hometown, I didn’t think she would send him packing after. Shame on ABC and Rachel, for going after ratings and some twisted hope of a breakthrough and not giving one fuck over the feelings that got trampled in the process. 

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Episode One | 01.02.17

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, this is my 3rd round of blogging this franchise. Ben broke the cherry and Jojo almost ruined me, but now here we are with Nick and I gotta tell you BXTCHES, I’m feeling a renewal of sorts. But, I should also go ahead and admit the following. I’m not that familiar with Nick. I wasn’t watching this franchise when he appeared on The Bachelorette (either time) and as excited as I was for Bachelor in Paradise, I couldn’t really stomach that show. I was gonna blog it and I will try again this summer, but it seemed too much of a clusterfuck train wreck, one that was too gory for even my eyes. Now, I will say that the little snippet of Nick that I did get, I enjoyed, a lot. I actually wanted him with Amanda, but that’s probably another story for never. The whole point of this mini warning was really just to tell you that the negative smoke that has followed Nick. . .I don’t really understand, because my introduction came via Paradise, which was all good.

The first episode of the season is always tricky for me to blog. I already have a hard time watching the meet and greet because it’s so awkward, but there isn’t a whole lot happening on the first episode, so my words seem hard for me to grasp. But no worries, this BXTCH will do her best to encapsulate this episode through my flying fingers.

Cheers to you ABC, you know how to get the jaw dropped and the eyes wide. We get the privilege of checking out Nick while he is. . .running. . .showering. . .topless. . .fully clothed, does it really matter? Also, I’m one who believes that facial hair is not meant for everybody, BUT in this case, Nick is not meant to be without it.

ABC does take a small trip down heartbreak lane, we witness both Andi and Kaitlyn breaking his heart and that motherfucker almost got down on one knee with Kaitlyn before she stopped him and cracked him in two, so it’s mighty brave for him to risk it all again. I’m assuming that part of the nostalgia was for those out there who still have Nick on their shitlist and have yet to come around to him being The Bachelor, it is tragic to watch a guy’s proposal get turned down and it might just force the toughest BXTCH to loosen up a bit and I’m sure the other reason for the memory lane waltz was for those of us who are somewhat unfamiliar with Nick. Not only did ABC replay the dude getting turned down, twice. . .but we also get to see him spend some time with his family and that would make anyone more attainable. But if you’re still not sold, then my suggestion would be to hit rewind and watch him get into the shower again, that should do it.

AND. . .he is 36 years old!! I was shocked, but then again, maybe that’s not too terribly old for The Bachelor, we should talk more about it when they pick a Bachelorette who is pushing 40 (hint, hint). There are 15 girls who are 25 and under, AND four of those ladies are 23 years old, that means Nick had already experienced his first wet dream, most likely before they were even born. While I’m on the age hang-up, ABC did cast three ladies who have at least celebrated their 30th birthday. The top age being 31, way to cover the bases, guys.

Before meeting the ladies, he gets the much anticipated (insert sarcasm right here) advice from three previous bachelors. . .Sean, Chris, and Ben. It’s mainly just four guys hanging out and drinking a bit. The only advice that was really given was for Nick to be himself. Well, there you have it. . .keep it normal and be true to who you are, you know, when you’re dating approximately 25 people.

In true reality show fashion, ABC spotlights some of the contestants, and being the kind BXTCH that I am, I went ahead and bullet pointed them for you. You’re welcome.

  • Rachel who is climbing that hill at 31 years old was born and raised in Dallas. She is an attorney who apparently cuts loose by dancing with her vacuum while singing into the handle. I’m starting to understand why it is ABC chose only 3 women who are 30+. Thanks Rachel.
  • Danielle L. is featured next. She is 27 years old and owns three businesses. I’m assuming that they all have something to do with beauty, since she mentioned owning a nail salon, but hell, it could be a strip club for all I know. Don’t worry, girl. . .I ain’t hatin. Since she has the career portion of her life figured out, she is now ready to bring it all home and find someone to share it with.
  • Vanessa is 29 years old and 100% Italian (she said it first). She also speaks several languages, so the others may want to keep an eye on this one, because if it wasn’t enough that she can woo her way into Nick’s bed by saying it in French or Italian or Spanish or even English, she is also a special education teacher and that usually gets the “aww, that’s so great” from everyone. And if she’s Italian, she can probably tear it up in the kitchen.
  • Josephine is a 24 year old nursing student from California and from the looks of her small featurette, she may be the weird/loony one of the season.
  • Raven is from Arkansas and owns her own fashion boutique at only 25 years old. To educate one on Hoxie, Arkansas. . .you go mudding, shoot your guns, and read your Bible, in that order. She also covers the three “F’s”-family, faith, and football. 
  • Corinne from Miami is up next and there’s gonna be a lot to say about this BXTCH. She’s one of the young ones at 24, she helps run her family business, which is a multi-million dollar company, but that’s all we learned about it. Where it gets to be “what the fuck” is when she asks her mother to have Raquel bring her a snack. Now who is Raquel? HER FUCKING NANNY is who! Yes, a 24 year old has a nanny. . .still, at 24 years of age. And proceeds to let us all know that even when she moves to be on her own, Raquel is going with her. She works with her family, she lives with her family, she is always with her family. She describes herself as a “very serious business woman”, but it has been difficult to find true love. How she is still single, I will never know.
  • Alexis the dolphin lover is next. She is only 23 years old and has a peculiar fascination with dolphins. She’s claims to be a fun girl and that walking to CVS in a sumo wrestling costume envelops the fun that radiates from her. This BXTCH whole heartedly would disagree on her definition of fun and she may very well give Josephine a challenge where the kooky is concerned.
  • Danielle M. is a neo natal nurse from Nashville. She is 31 years old and is looking for love. Thank you ABC for clearing that up.
  • Taylor is up next and she is another 23 year old. She is a mental health counselor from Seattle. Something interesting we learned about Taylor? She has a masters degree from John Hopkins and she rollerblades in hot pants, a sports bra, and helmet. Because you know. . .safety first.
  • Liz from Vegas is next and holy one night stand does she have a story. Okay, you may want to sit down for this one. Liz actually met Nick at Jade and Tanners wedding (she was the MOH). I don’t really know who Jade and Tanner are, I just remember their wedding from Ben’s season. Well anyway, Liz met Nick at that wedding and yes. . .they got down to the biz-ness that night. . .with each other. The kick right between the legs? Once all the body fluids were exchanged, Nick actually asked her for her number and she said no. Crazy, right? She could already be Mrs. Nick Viall, but we’ll get to this more in a moment. I will say that she is a bit nervous that he isn’t even going to remember her, but c’mon. . .he had his dick inside of her, surely he remembers that.

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My theory is that ABC spotlights the ones who they want Nick to continue with, the ones above being some of those. But this is only 10 out of 30, so who knows who or what else is in the cards.

Now we get to the most awkward part of the show, it’s time for them to meet Nick. I know that this portion is necessary, but it’s weird to me that these girls arrive together in a limo and during their trip they discuss Nick. A man that they are hoping to call their boyfriend. This is a social experiment at it’s best or worse, depending on how you look at it. But, we are all salivating at the TV and creating fantasy leagues surrounding it, so maybe in the end we are the actual experiment. 

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In an effort to save some time and you some reading (actually probably not), I’m gonna have to cliff notes this portion of the program. I don’t know what these ladies do to prepare for the big “30 second, first impression, one-on-one time” they get, but some of them needed a bit more mirror time.

Christen asks “how crazy do you think I am right now?” as she dramatically throws her fan to the ground. Ummm, bitch, not very. A cheesy pick up line would’ve done better, although she does tell him that she feels like she’s meeting a celebrity, so maybe nix the pick up line after all. I always wonder how so many beautiful people are so hard up for the ever after, that they relegated to go on TV to find it. Then someone like Christen comes along and some questions finally get answered. Taylor is the exact reason why an age limit should’ve been set. Apparently her friends thought that it was a bad idea for her to be on the show because according to them Nick is a “complete piece of shit”. How do I know they said this? Because those were the words that she chose to vomit with her greeting to Nick. She could’ve been like, “Hi, I’m Taylor. I’m from Seattle. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” Our girl was going for that first impression rose and she decided telling him that her friends, the ones that if they wind up hand in hand in the end, would hopefully be his friends, think that he is the equivalent to crap, was the best way to get it. Lauren was thinking comedy was the best approach when she told him that they were both blessed with horrible last names, which was an interesting way to compliment him, especially if her hope at some point is to take the said horrible last name. Here’s the funny part. . .her last name is Hussey and his is Viall, which according to her means together they are a Disgusting Slut, not really my definition of comedy. I would’ve chosen a different celebrity name to go with, but you do you girl! Ida Marie went all the way back to camp. Well, she’s only 23, so maybe not that far back, but since trust is a very important attribute to her, she does her intro with a trust fall. Don’t worry, he caught her. Olivia shows up in California with a fur coat on. I’m guessing it’s because she’s from Alaska, because she then gives him an Eskimo kiss, but she leaves her coat with Nick, I have no idea what any of that was about. I’m gonna give some props to Sarah, who runs to meet Nick, in sneakers. When she gets face to face with him, her line. . .“I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up to you.” Clever. I personally wouldn’t have chosen that avenue, but probably because I don’t run and would’ve had to have an ambulance escort me elsewhere. But hey, if you got the lungs, use them (wink, wink). Jasmine brings Neil Lane (the one who provides the rings) with her, which is awfully presumptuous, she even goes as far as to point out her favorite rings, she’s definitely a planner. I had to shake my head at that one, but confidence may get you far. Hailey (also 23) arrives with a joke. Get ready, it’s gonna have you cracking the fuck up (not really, I had to turn away from the TV actually). But here goes. . .“Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” No of course he doesn’t, but for fun, here is the punchline. . .“Neither do I.”-Oh, that’s because you don’t have any on, I get it. That’s not funny, at all. Age limit ABC, just mull it over. Astrid talks about sex and how her tits are real, but she does it all in German, which is impressive, except Nick has no idea what it is she is saying. But, I suppose an impact of some sort was made, he did recognize the word sex. Yay, Liz is out of the limo next and it’s during the voiceover that she admits to the sex part, but duh, that wasn’t hard to figure out. When she begins her approach, you can tell that she is hoping he remembers her, but he says nothing. However, once she is inside, the look on his face, tells a different story. It’s only when she walks away and Chris Harrison approaches him, that he then says he knows her, well he says he’s 99% sure, so maybe her puss-ay wasn’t all that memorable after all. But Liz plays it off as if she hoped he didn’t remember her and it gets interesting when Nick finally gets an opportunity to talk with her privately. Corinne gives Nick a hug token to cash in later. I’m guessing this is something she made for her nanny and thought it would work here as well. I guess it is cute when children make you gifts. I gotta admit, Danielle M. is probably going to be a front runner for me. She shows up with homemade maple syrup and he even samples it straight from her. . .finger. They don’t know each other that well yet. Jaimi compliments his balls while pulling her own out of her nose. Really it was just a piercing right between the nostrils, but she probably worked on that little bit for a while, so. . .“good job girl, way to pull that piercing out and compare it to his testicles!” Josephine fullfilled every expectation I had when she presented Nick with a hollowed out book and said “you’re a wiener in my book”. Get it? Because it’s a play off the word winner. Is the contestant pool thinning out? She then proceeds to feed a hot dog (uncooked) to Nick, Lady and the Tramp style. Seal it up Nick, that’s wifey material. There are rap songs written about chicks like Josephine. Brittany actually puts on gloves and has Nick bend over. I can only assume (because the show cuts to the inside of the house at this point) it’s for some sort of prostate tickle, now I always though the proper protocol was suck dick first, then insert finger into ass, but hey, maybe it’s what the young kids are doing these days. We got Lacey arriving on a camel, because everybody likes a good hump. Oh, the jokes are on point this season. But book ending this party is Alexis. Whose love for dolphins have her arriving in a shark costume. Now, she’s convinced that she is actually in a dolphin costume, it’s not, it’s certainly a shark. But hey, it’s not a red dress.

While these meet and greets (is that even what they are called?) are happening, the women that are inside the mansion are going absolutely nuts over the prospect that is Nick. I get it, you’ve seen him seek love three different times. He’s almost an enigma, but get your shit together. You can’t have your tongue in his mouth and then be all “OMG, I just kissed Nick from The Bachelorette!”. Tone the fangirl shit down, he’s not a celebrity right now. You BXTCHES have got to play it a bit more chill. It should be said that there are also a lot of ladies in red. Not only can we see this with our own eyes, but we can hear it when it is screeched in “OMG, we are all wearing red!” moments. 

Now it’s time for Nick to chit chat with the ladies. Unfortunately, it’s not as cutthroat as it was during Ben’s season, which is my only frame of reference. We did get some interruptions, but not crazy, like Olivia or Lace. And certainly not overly intoxicated, again like Lace. They certainly seemed more relaxed when it was just them and Nick. That could’ve been because of some wine, but whatever it was, worked in their favor. Well, for most of them. He and Rachel really hit it off, while Corinne continued to make things weird. She must’ve had a major art project go down prior to arriving in California because she made him a whole bag of tokens. We have yet to find out what any of them say, but going by the previews of this season, they are not any sort of token my children would’ve made for me. I’m guessing they’re more of the “prostate tickle” variety. She does interrupt his time with Vanessa, and she utilizes this interruption to swap some spit with Nick and holy shit, the girls are not happy about this. I’m thinking that Corinne is going to be to Nick what Olivia was to Ben. We can only hope so. My favorite moment was when he got to sit down with Liz. First, she actually tells the camera that she is glad he doesn’t remember that they had sex. BXTCH please! There is no woman alive who wouldn’t want someone as fine as Nick to remember the sex they had together. If your skills are on point, your ass better hope that he remembers, because at least he has something to look forward to. If you can’t suck a dick, then okay, maybe you don’t want him to recognize you or your mouth. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) for Liz, he knows who she is and seemed a bit offended when she told him that she didn’t think he remembered her. I think he’s more curious to why she hasn’t contacted him, she said no when he asked for her number, so the ball would’ve been in her court. She claims that she doesn’t want him to think she is only there because he is The Bachelor, but she also seems to be digging herself a hole with these excuses she is coming up with. She would have been better off just telling him, “hey, I thought you only asked for my number to be nice.” It’s kinda a lousy excuse, but it’s much better than what she was trying to serve up. I really think that her original thought was that maybe he was some sort of player, just after the hook-up and she went for it because it’s a good story to tell.

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While Corinne thought that aggressive was the way to the first impression rose, she was wrong, that honor went to Rachel. I would say, no big deal, because Ben gave the first impression rose to Olivia and we witnessed how that played out, but Jojo did give hers to Jordan and I’m sure we all also witnessed how that worked out. So, I guess it’s a toss-up on whether or not getting that rose is a good omen. My favorite part of that process is seeing how the other contestants react to the one who swayed the best and in this case it was priceless seeing the expression on Corinne’s face when she realizes that maybe her kiss didn’t seal the deal after all. It’s time to hand out the rest of those thorny beasts and they went to: RachelVanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and Liz. Thirty women showed up with the hopes of vying for the walk down the aisle and only twenty-two remain. 

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“I know my heart’s ready. I know I’m ready to fall in love. I’m going to give it my all and I’m not going to let anything come between me and a really great love story.” -Nick

“You is so fine.” -Weird lady in grocery story

“I’m gonna give America a happy ending.” -Nick 

“Last time I dated someone, I didn’t know he was dating other people. At least this time I know.” -Astrid

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Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer

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Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager

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Brittany, 26, travel nurse

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Christen, 25, wedding videographer

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Corinne, 24, business owner

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Danielle L.,27, small business owner

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Danielle M.,31, neonatal nurse

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Dominique, 25, restaurant server

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Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager

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Hailey, 23, photographer

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Jaimi, 28, chef

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Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer

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Josephine, 24, registered nurse

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Kristina, 24, dental hygienist

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Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager

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Liz, 29, doula

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Rachel, 31, attorney

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Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner

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Sarah, 26, grade school teacher

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Taylor, 23, mental health counselor

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Vanessa, 29, special education teacher

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Whitney, 25, pilates instructor

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Angela, 26, model

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Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse

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Ida Marie, 23, sales manager

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Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant

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Lauren, 30, law school graduate

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Michelle, 24, food truck owner

Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative

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Susannah, 26, account manager

Look, I may sound old as dirt when I say that maybe 23 years old is a bit young for a bachelor who is 36. But hear me out. First, it’s obvious there is a maturity gap between Nick and some of these contestants. Second, and Taylor, I’m talking to you. You are just entering the workforce and I think it’s fantastic that you have your masters degree and you are starting to get your foundation poured where your career is concerned, but shouldn’t you take a teensy bit of time and focus on that? Isn’t it asking a lot for you to get your career off the ground, get engaged, get married and follow all of that up with babies? Something to think about.

This one is gonna be a “twofer”. ABC, I think you should really begin to consider selecting the Bachelor/ettes from just a pool of people. Stop with selecting them from previous seasons. As a fan, I love the idea, but also as a fan, it’s weird as fuck to watch these contestants almost bust a nut when they meet “The One”. The fangirling isn’t cute, like at all. And I can only imagine how the actual Bachelor/ette feels. Actually, I can’t at all, but I’m guessing it’s gotta be awkward. But having said all of that, girls (and guys) stop acting like fools when you meet the enigma that you are hoping to do forever with. Do your research and just be cool, it comes across as more refined and mature, even if you’re having a ga-ga moment internally. Get it together, you’re making it a little funky to watch.

Look, I know it must be heartbreaking when your one and only turns you down after picking 22 other women to go round and round with. Good Lord, I hope you caught the sarcasm. You just met the guy. If you get turned down in a bar, do you go back to your table in tears, confessing to your girls that “he was supposed to be the one”? God, I hope not. You BXTCHES need to get your act cleaned up. If Nick didn’t pick you, then fuck him, he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on and there is going to be some lucky motherfucker down the road that isn’t going to know what hit him when you enter his world. Chin up, buttercup, there are bigger and better cocks out there for you. Take a ride on a couple.

For future contestants. . .please for the sake of “our eyes, our eyes!”, practice your introduction prior to putting it in action. Sometimes, a simple smile and “Hi, my name is _______”, will do the trick. Know your audience. This guy is 36 years old and some of you went at him like y’all are at a frat party. He is looking to give his last name to someone, not for someone to give him a quick hand job in the bathroom while someone pounds on the door. He’s gonna save that for a group date.

The way that the season previews are setting us up, it’s gonna be a joyous ride. And I won’t give much away, but I gotta give you this. . .Corinne is looking to cash in her own tokens, long before the fantasy suite.

Get going on the Fantasy League. You could start your own, but why do that when you can join the BloggingBxtches. . .and as soon as I can figure out how to link it, you’ll be able to join. Or you could search Blogging BXTCHES (games.abc.go.com).

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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The Bachelorette | Episode Two | Re-Cap | 05.31.16

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comIt's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com
BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, this is going to be a long ass re-cap, but well worth it. What do you expect with a 2-hour episode, I gotta cover it all. Second, I should really call this Last Week On. . . but, why change a good thing, right? So, last Monday wasn’t all that juicy, but it was the very first episode. We did lose six guys and out of those six, Jojo should’ve kept at least Peter (in my opinion) but that’s just me being totally shallow. I know nothing about the guy, except he is hot as fuck, but I do know she kept Daniel, who stripped down to his undies, and a couple of other guys who I personally think weren’t on her “pick list”, but what do I know, I am merely an observer. Tonight should be interesting, because we start the dates. There are two group dates and one one-on-one date, and of course, we will be saying goodbye to even more who are “Desperately Seeking Wife”. Just joking. . .I’m totally down with this reality love shit. Let’s dive right in, BXTCHES.

“To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” I know this should’ve made the quotes of the show list, but it was so good, I couldn’t wait. So, guess who’s been catching up on his Emily Dickinson? That’s right, Chad. . .and after tonights episode, he is definitely making his presence known. And this is how episode two kicks off. While I actually thought the toast was quite clever, the others in the house, not so much. Too sensitive? Maybe, but it doesn’t take long to figure out that the guys are either super intimidated by Chad or they just know the kind of guy he is and it’s not too good.

Group Date #1: Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells , & Robby.

The clue. . .“Lets Heat Things Up”, and to get the inferno started. . .ABC thought it would be a great idea to set a limo on fire, which was a little corny, but it did produce Jojo in a fireman’s uniform. . .with a hose. . .that she was wielding. . .to put out the fire. . .which I’m quite sure the guys were imagining her wielding another type of “hose” that’s used to start an entirely different set of flames, so all in all I guess it did the job. The guys then arrive at a training academy for firemen, which is a bit unfair considering that Grant is an actual fireman and is included in this date, so how shameful would it be if he didn’t just obliterate the other guys in whatever is going to happen at this academy. So, they get decked out in the uniforms, which I must say. . .good job Jojo or whoever it is that picked this date, because really, who doesn’t enjoy seeing hot men in a hot uniform? The purpose of the date (if there really is a purpose, other than hot men in a uniform, how many times am I going to say that in this paragraph?) is the guys competing in drills and the top three then compete to “save the girl” and that winner gets some extra Jojo time. Unfortunately for Wells, this is not the occupation for him, the fact he didn’t drop to the ground from a heat stroke, surprises the hell out of me. He does manage to get a medic called, but it all works out in the end, because Jojo is concerned enough to go spend some time with him. And, because of his “never quit” attitude, Wells actually makes it in to the final three, we didn’t see him past the first obstacle, but he certainly gets an “A” for effort. It comes down to Grant and Luke. . .Grant coming out the victor (SHOCKER!). All that really means is he gets a few extra minutes of alone time with Jojo during cocktail hour.

Cocktail hour kicks off with Jojo getting to learn a little more about Grant and the other guys actually sitting around talking about who they think will get the rose, which I actually thought was amusing. I expect it from the women, not so much the men. . .I suppose that makes me a stereotyping BXTCH, but I’ll own it. Jojo gets in some quality time with each guy and her biggest question/concern is about past relationships the guys have been in. And of course, she takes some time to make out. I was expecting it to be more awkward than it actually was, in fact, it was pretty steamy, I guess in the end the fireman challenge did serve a purpose. Wells almost passing out did some good in the end, because he may have failed at being a firefighter, but who gives a fuck when he winds up with the rose in the end?

Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .Chad fills up a suitcase with all of his protein. . .not his “protein”, but his supplements, then secures the suitcase around his waist and does some sort of pull-ups, while the other guys look on. Now, while I did enjoy watching this very public display of “my dick is bigger than yours”, I did think it was a bit on the strange side. . .but hey, whatever gets your “protein” a movin’. James Taylor (not the James Taylor, but a James Taylor) and the rest of the guys, sans Chad, decide to have a kumbaya moment and write Jojo a song, and yes, it is as cheesy as is sounds. 

ONE-ON-ONE Date: Derrick is the lucky one and he must really impress Jojo on this date, because if you don’t get the rose at the end of your time together, you go home. The date kicks off with some choices needing to be made. Choice #1: Sky or Sea (Sky wins); Choice #2: North or South (North wins and South is pissed). . .these choices get them to San Francisco where they must decide on Choice #3: Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street (Golden Gate Bridge, of course). This gets them a pretty romantic picnic overlooking the Bay and the bridge. Derrick is certainly feeling the fireworks. Nighttime arrives and Jojo’s curiosity goes back to past relationships and what happened to end it and Christ on a cracker, what is it with the “I don’t let people in, because I get hurt” AND “I haven’t really talked about this with anyone” sappy stories? Well, let me ruin it for you BXTCHES, Derrick was in love and got cheated on and guess what that got him? On The Bachelorette, that’s what, so Derrick, who should be the one crying now? Flip that bitch the bird and shove your tongue down Jojo’s mouth like she belongs to you. You know that hussie is watching and now she is crying to Ben and Jerry. Anyway, back to our normal programming. . .Jojo gives Derrick the rose and he rewards her with a little tongue action. There you go, Derrick, climb back up on that horse.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .they are still singing that damn song, which the only lyrics I know are “JjjjJojo. . .JjjjJojo”, go ahead and get that stuck in your head, you’re welcome. Chad and Daniel are bonding, bromance style, while discussing the dangers of falling for the nice guy, when in the end, the bad guy is usually the nice guy and the nice guy turns out to be the bad guy, but not in a good way. Got it?

Group Date #2: Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, and Chad.

The clue. . .“Prove your love to me and the nation”. Not to put down vaginal nation, but these guys are worse than the fucking women. Three guys go without dates this week (Brandon, Chase, and James S.) and Kleenex should go ahead and sponsor this show because these guys are devastated. I get it, you wanna chance to crack the code, but Chad keeps it real when he tells the guys that basically they have gone their entire lives without knowing Jojo, just wait a day or so, it’s not a big deal. I’m sure it’s easy to say that when you’re the one who gets a date, needless to say Chad’s extra commentary is causing his enemy list to add up. The guys arrive at the ESPN studios and I’m quite sure a couple of hard-ons filled it up below the waist and if they didn’t, they can always turn to Evan. Plus, this is probably the closest the pro-football playing Jordan has ever been to actually being on ESPN and it took The Bachelorette to make that happen. Their challenge is taking place on the set of SportsNation (or BachelorNation, ABC y’all sure are cute) and they must first “Strike a Rose” which has them doing an “in your face” type of dance. You know, like “I just made a phenomenal play and now I’m gonna celebrate by acting a fool”. Trust a BXTCH when she advises you to not watch that segment, please. . .I was embarrassed for them. Especially Jordan. . who, one would think he would have a celebration dance down, considering his “pro football” status, but no, he doesn’t, not even a little bit, like at all. I thought Nick was actually “Tuning in Tokyo”, but it was his version of taking a shower, so yeah, that’s what you missed. The next challenge is “Eye on the Prize”, which has the guys getting super dizzy, then dropping or attempting to drop to one knee and proposing to Jojo. This challenge is fantastic and it’s all because of Chad. He just comes with a simple “will you marry me?” and then tells Jojo that she’s a “little naggy”, but in his defense. . .he’s not going to say what he loves about her because he doesn’t know her and he has a hard time understanding how these guys are already saying things that they love about Jojo, but his point is, how could they know what they love about her, if they’ve only known her for maybe a week and he let’s that known during the press conference portion. So, while the guys may think that Chad is the #1 douchecanoe, I can appreciate his honesty and I think Jojo is appreciating it as well. Once the power rankings come through, James T. is on top, followed by Chad, then Alex. And once the top three are announced, I’ve decided that these guys need to visit a LowT center. . .quickly, either that or get them a tampon, because being so emotionally affected by Chad, can only be attributed to either low testosterone or being on your man period, c’mon, that has to be a thing.

Cocktail hour arrives and since James T. came in first in the power rankings, he gets Jojo first, with a little bit more time. He does pull out a note that I suppose he wrote, maybe so he wouldn’t forget what he wanted to say to her, akin to an Oscar speech and while I thought it was sweet, albeit dorky, Jojo was moved by his words. He did get himself a kiss, but I wasn’t feeling that. I think he’s sweet, but I just don’t see him with Jojo in the long run. Each of the guys gets their time with Jojo and I just wish they would treat the short amount of time they have with her more like a first date in their real life. I understand why they would be kissing her ass, but I think it’s overly fake. I know Chad is pulling in the #1 spot in Prick Power Ranking with the rest of the guys, but he does seem to be hitting it off with Jojo. They make a wish at the wishing well that ends with a connection. . .of their lips. . .that was pretty hot. . .you did good Chad. The group date started with Chad not understanding how the guys can already be in deep with their feelings for Jojo, but ends with him admitting feelings and giddiness about Jojo. . .that BXTCH must have one magical tongue. Chad’s wasn’t magical enough however, because James T. winds up the winner of the group date rose. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m the one not feeling a Jojo + James T. connection, because he’s doing something right. . .“jjjjJojo”

BXTCH side commentary: Look, I’m just as excited about Jojo being the Bachelorette as these guys are, maybe not just as much, but close. However, I cannot wrap my head around how quick these contestants are to claim her as “the one”. Do we really know that much about her? Okay, she’s beautiful, has a great rack, fantastic hair and a pretty nice tan. But there hasn’t been any really deep conversation, just a whole lot of “let me pet you and tell you how pretty and perfect you are”. I understand we don’t see it all, but c’mon, it’s the beginning, you know there hasn’t been talk about world viewpoints OR does she recycle OR does she prefer her Christmas tree to be real or fake, I’m talking the important stuff here BXTCHES! These guys don’t even know if she sucks dick well or even at all, what are you going to do then. My point is, stop with the “she’s my dream girl” crap. I’m sure she is someone’s dream girl, but it may not be you.
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ABC certainly saved the best for last. Cocktail party/rose ceremony starts out with the fellas wondering where the hell Chad is, and Chad is outside waiting for Jojo getting some fresh air when Jojo pulls up and since Chad just so happens to have an extra glass of wine, he offers it to Jojo and takes the opportunity to get in a little convo and a quick kiss. . .that was some fresh air alright. When Chad walks in with Jojo, ABC should’ve had a photographer at the ready, just to capture the moment the guys realized he was outside with Jojo the entire time. Chad may have Jojo on the brain, but the fresh air has taken him away from the kitchen and must’ve put him behind nutritionally, because the way this is edited, has Chad eating during the ENTIRE rose ceremony and maybe it wasn’t meant to be funny, but it was fucking hilarious. Chase is one of the three guys who didn’t get a date with Jojo and holy hotness, he more than makes up for it during his one-on-one time with her. He somehow arranged for fake snow to be rained upon them and made promises to teach Jojo how to snowboard and the time ends with Jojo on his lap, so who really needs a group date? Chad is really pulling out the stops, he doesn’t hesitate to interrupt both Alex and Evan’s time with Jojo, so this incites the boys to call him out, twice. The first time they surround him, we learn that Chad has absolutely no rhythm. We learn this when Chad has a little one-on-one time with the camera and compares the posse to that of West Side Story, dance and all. Alex calls out Chad’s inability to talk to Jojo the way he talks to the other contestants. Do we really want him talking to Jojo and the guys the same way? It seems like that would be a different kind of show. The second time he gets confronted, we learn that Chad has a bit of a temper and bring back the firemen, because the fuse has been lit. Alex is the leader of the “Care Bear Posse” and I’m actually quite surprised fists didn’t get thrown, the word “bro” did however, a lot.

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly Recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comWe started the episode with 20 eligible bachelors and will end with just 17. In the course of two group dates and one, one-on-one date, we lost, James S., Brandon, and Will. So, from the pre-disposed ABC fan favs, James S. the “Bachelor Superfan” is gone. My only complaint about Jojo eliminating James S. and Brandon is that neither of them were picked to participate in any of the dates and maybe, just maybe, she should wait until she has had the opportunity to have some lengthier one-on-one time with them before she crushes all hopes of them finding the one to share their last name with. I mean, James S. did seem like he would be able to get some good belly laughs from you, but I suppose if Jojo actually knew that his “occupation” was listed as “Bachelor Superfan”, that probably didn’t help his cause.
Quote Tag

“The last time I pulled a hose like that, was probably back home when I was in my apartment.”-Daniel

“The best thing about Jordan is his brother. The worst thing about Jordan? He’s not his brother.”-Chad

“When you miss a meal and look like that, it’s detrimental to your progress. At least that’s what I heard from him, I wouldn’t know.”-James S. (on Chad’s eating habits)

Bachelor(ette) Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comThis news is amazeballs. . .next week we get two, yes two episodes (Monday and Tuesday) and we may actually see those fists flying because it seems like Chad is about to show his other side.

This is going to sound super bitchy for me to say, so I apologize in advance. To ABC. . .please remove the “pro football player” title from Jordan’s name. For his occupation, just put whatever it is he actually does now. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be proud of the fact that he was on three NFL teams, he should be, but with Aaron Rodgers as his brother, he probably shouldn’t brag too much about his practice squad NFL career. I’m afraid he thinks the “pro football player” title makes him sound cooler than it actually does or he actually is. . .pick your poison.

Obviously, I have no idea what’s going to happen with Chad, but if by some chance, Jojo doesn’t pick him, please, for the love of Jerry Springer and just my pure entertainment, let Chad and Olivia hook up, somehow, somewhere and let it be televised. 

Jojo. . .girl, you have to stop bringing up Ben and Lauren. You don’t want a love like them, you want a love like “Jojo and ______” (fill in the blank). I get it, you got burned, but every time you bring up Ben’s name, it just reminds people of the fact that he was somebody you were in love with (and not that long ago) and I may not be an expert, but my guess is the ones who are hoping to be the one you fall in love with, certainly do not want to be compared to Ben. Do you girl!Sign off Tag

Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL.

 

 

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The Bachelorette | Episode One | 05.23.16

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It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Episode One 05.23.16 | Recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comIt's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Episode One 05.23.16 | Recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, last season of The Bachelor (Ben the Bachelor) was the very first time that I have devoted my time to an entire season of the show. . .and holy shit. . .I LOVED IT!! My love for all things “reality ever after” doesn’t change the fact that I’m still a bit cynical and somewhat sarcastic when it comes to this entire process, but boy oh boy, am I addicted! Just a quick FYI, since last season was my very first crack at The Bachelor, this is my very first time to devote myself to The Bachelorette and since I feel that I’m already invested in Jojo, then I’m certainly going to be head over heels in love with this season of the ‘Ette.

Now, if you missed last season on The Bachelor, you missed quite a lot. But, here’s what it boils down to. . .Ben told both Lauren and Jojo that he loved them and I for one really thought Ben was looking for Jojo to be Mrs. Ben Higgins. Obviously Ben didn’t consult this BXTCH and instead he went with Lauren (I guess it’s not about me, though). But, all is good. Ben + Lauren is looking like a Happily Ever After AND we got Jojo as the new Bachelorette. So really, we’re all winning in the end.

BXTCH side commentary: These episodes are like forever long, I’m not really complaining, but because they are 2 hours, these re-caps tend to run long as well, not 2 hours long, but close. I would apologize, but I feel they are certainly entertaining, so apologizing is almost an injustice. Just read. . .enjoy. . .and don’t forget to tune in next week.

Tonight was episode #1 and you all knows what that means. . .awkward introductions. . .best first impressions. . .worst first impressions. . .who’s the drunkest. . .and the question that I’ve actually been wondering since Ben ended his season. . .will the men be just as crack ass crazy as the women? Now, I’m not yet sure what the answer to that question is, but I can tell you this. Someone has already stripped down to the skivvies, there’s a Santa Claus, a self-proclaimed Bachelor Superfan and the only selling point you will need to tune in week after week. . .an erectile dysfunction specialist is one of the contestants. Okay, there are many other selling points, but I’ll get to those later.

There really isn’t too much to tell (or really spoil) about this episode, it is after all a meet and greet, but oh good and plenty, this episode does provide us with lots to still talk about.

Let’s just start at the beginning. Jojo kicks off her season with sitting down with three former Bachelorettes, Des, Kaitlyn, and Ali. I actually only recognized Ali, but after doing a bit of research (aka Google), it’s time for a little bit of:

BXTCH side commentary: Thanks to wetpaint.com, this BXTCH found out some interesting stats tonight. After 20 seasons of The Bachelor (Ben was season 20), there are only 3 couples who are still together (season’s 13, 17, and 20), so that seems like an awful lot of. . .”well, I enjoyed the exotic dates and getting to know you away from the real world, but now that we’re back to actual reality and life is officially kicking my ass and I’m in the middle of my 15 minutes, you don’t look so good for me.” Now for The Bachelorette stats. . .after 11 seasons (this season makes #12), 4 couples are still going strong (season’s 1, 7, 9, and 11), so the ladies who do the picking seem to have more luck. . .or wisdom, go with whichever one works for you. Now, digging even further in (thank you wetpaint.com) there are 6 “unofficial” Bachelor/ette couples who came together after their respective seasons. Some are from different seasons of The Bachelor/ette, some are spawned from the Bachelor in Paradise franchise. So, I suppose with a grand total of 13 couples together, all in thanks to The Bachelor, which I suppose, “started it all”, maybe, just maybe something is working.

Let’s get back to the episode. After Jojo was able to seek some advice from the ladies, two of which were successful in their “hunt for a husband”. Both Des and Kaitlyn found their HEA (hopefully) via ABC and Ali isn’t doing too shabby, she is expecting with her other half, so any advice may be good advice for Jojo at this point. But I think the advice that she should actually hold onto is. . .focus on compatibility AND whichever guy you’re actually drawn to the most, ignore him for about a week AND be careful of the super hot ones (that’s just great advice all around, reality show or not) AND learn to recognize love from lust. All great advice, except the main reason we’re actually tuning in, other than true love and all that jazz, is for the super hot ones, so please bring it on.

Jojo is left with the daunting task of having to dwindle 26 guys down to 1 (life is a true BXTCH, right?). Before they start the meet and greets, ABC is so gracious that they actually highlight several of this season’s contestants. Which, let’s be real, is ABC’s way of secretly saying. . these are the ones that we have selected to be fan favorites and want to move well in to this season. We start with Grant the Firefighter, he’s from San Fran and knew from an early age he wanted to help people (if he starts with that, he should be golden). Then we move onto Jordan the Pro-Football Player (former), he is actually the little brother of Aaron Rodgers and of course, I know who he is, however, I had or have no idea who the fuck Jordan is or who he even played football for, I even Googled him and after looking at his “football career”, he’d be better off putting down “Aaron Rodgers’s little brother” on his resume, but I’m more interested to see how her family interacts with him (if he is to make it that far), they are from Dallas after all. Moving on to Alex the Marine. He’s from California as well and has tats, rides a motorcycle, and has a twin brother, the only thing he doesn’t have, is a lot of height, but this is coming from someone who is as tall as, if not taller than the average male, but other than that, what else do you need? Next is James the Bachelor Superfan, do I really need to say anything else about this guy? Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist is knocking on the door next. He’s from Nashville, not too terribly attractive, but does know how to make a dick hard and keep it that way, so score one for the doctor of all things cock (maybe not an actual M.D., but I’m sure what he does gets the job done). He threw A LOT of puns into his interview. . .“A lot of what I do, is just you know, pump up my guys and gettin em excited.”. . .”It’s a hard business.” I’m not sure if he is just that linguistically creative or just really a dork, I’m leaning towards the latter, but stay tuned for my diagnosis. Ali the Bartender is from Santa Monica and they didn’t focus too much on him, so this BXTCH doesn’t see him sticking around too long. Christian is a Telecom Consultant from Los Angeles and judging him by his interview, he likes to work out, like, a lot. He’s does have some personal stuff from his childhood and being the expert that I am, you know, with one season under my belt and all, this shit is going to come up in some deep talk that he is inevitably going to be having with Jojo at some point, she is going to “understand”, because she has some issues of her own and a connection will be born, or so I predict. Look out for Luke the War Veteran/Rancher from Texas. Okay, he’s got a lot going for him. I can already tell you that this guy is going to know exactly what to say and when to say it, when it comes to knocking Jojo off of her feet. So, I guess only time will actually tell if these guys will make Jojo just as hard as they made ABC.

The “Holy Shit, what in God’s name are they thinking” award surprisingly, doesn’t just apply to the ladies. I even thought that these meet and greets will be a little less tame, not as embarrassing, just all around, pretty normal, since we were dealing more with the state of Pennsylvania rather than Virginia, if you know what I mean. I don’t like to imply that women are bit more of a hot mess when it comes to this particular situation, but c’mon, when women are dealing with a gorgeous man, anything goes, including sanity. Turns out, men may not be crazy like the females, but they’re really weird. Watching some of these fools (for lack of a better word) attempt to make a lasting impression on her, while it is certainly entertaining, is really uncomfortable. That’s not to say that some didn’t pull off whatever it was they were trying to do to open Jojo’s eyes. I can even understand the need to stand out, I mean, Jojo showed up to meet Ben with a unicorn head on, but if you’re going to do it, commit to it and for the love of reality romance, practice that shit, so you’re not left looking like the wrong kind of fool and doing a run through in front of your peeps will allow your true friends tell you whether or not whatever schtick you’re planning will actually work. Santa, as in Claus, even showed up, and he was determined to keep up appearances because he left that damn suit on for the entire night and you know that fucker was producing some serious heat, in all areas of his body, imagine that, but it worked because he got himself a rose and Jojo sat on his lap. Who’s laughing now guys?

Back in the house, the guys are actually starting to feel the stress of the evening. They’re busy sizing each other up and of course, judging how each one after arrives and greets Jojo. It’s actually a bit refreshing to see that men are just as insecure and catty as the women can be. When it comes time to having some one-on-one time with Jojo, all the guys are pretty nervous, comically so. But then Jordan steps in. He’s very relaxed, able to hold a conversation without stuttering. And thank the football gods he doesn’t bring up his brother, I’m sure he will, but we’ll cross that Green Bay bridge when we get there. Ohh. . .and he does get in a kiss, so score one for the ball player, y’all. I’m not sure when these contestants are going to learn, but consuming enough alcohol to cause an entire AA meeting to fall right off of the wagon, isn’t really the right way to go, is it? I mean, one guy (Daniel) gets so intoxicated that he actually takes off his clothes, well, down to the undies. Which, guys still wear tighty whities? Or in his case. . .tighty blackies? Have we not converted all of male America to boxer briefs. I think we need to start some sort of movement. . .

#noboxerbriefsthennothong OR #tightywhitiesequalsgrannypanties.

Tighty whities aside, Daniel is just plain awkward, he’s poking belly buttons (see quote below), wearing a tie that would fit my eight year old (without being too big), and doing some really strange type of body building poses, shirtless. When Jojo has to actually ask you if you’re wearing a thong, you may want to reconsider some of your choices. But Daniel isn’t the only one to make you squint. Guys are walking in on Jojo and her confessional, which by the name alone, indicates it should be private. There are actually guys who didn’t use or maybe don’t know how to use their mouth to brain filter, and thought that maybe it was okay to bring up things that I can only imagine are still painful for Jojo. I guess the age old question of  “I wonder why they’re single” just got answered.

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I actually thought that Jojo would give the first impression rose to Jordan and guess what? This BXTCH was spot on. Now, that doesn’t say much considering I also predicted that Ben would give the first impression rose to Olivia and John said it best, when he said. . .“Olivia got the first impression rose last season, and she got left on an island.” There you have it.

 

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Episode One 05.23.16 | Recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Out of 26 men, 20 get roses. So, that leaves. . .Sal, Nick S., John, Jake, Coley, and Peter looking elsewhere for their matrimonial ending. I will say that our ABC pre-disposed fan favorites are all safe and I don’t like to think that things are rigged in any way, shape, or form. . .but Daniel gets a rose, for crying out loud. This is someone that she had to tell to put his clothes BACK ON, like you would your two year old who has a penchant for running around, free-balling it, without a care in the world. Interesting, I guess we’ll have to see how it plays out.

 

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Episode One 05.23.16 | Recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

“If you’re feeling it, like, feel it.” -Desiree Hartstock

“I’m half Chinese and half Scottish, but luckily for me, I’m half Scottish below the waist.”. . .”I’m not wearing any panties.”-John

“At any point tonight, you feel like you’re getting stressed, I give you permission to squeeze my balls.” -Sal

“If I was gay, I’d be in paradise.” -Daniel

“You better be able to do a push up with a girl sitting on you.” -Jordan (I think)

“You never poke another man’s belly button. I don’t care what the scenario is.” -James F.

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At the end of episode one, we get a glimpse into this season. . .and let me tell you BXTCHES, it is going down. Lots of “I Love You’s” get said, it seems that maybe men are just as into this idea of finding love, so much so, that violence is going to be an issue. Oh, mercy me. . .it’s gonna be Jerry Springer good.

There were four Lauren’s last season on The Bachelor, with one of them taking the ring in the end. There are three James’ on this season of The Bachelorette. All three are still in the running, so keep your heads up  guys, it actually may all be in the name or sharing of the name. Either way, the odds are certainly in your favor.

Well, that’s all for this week. It’ll get more interesting, trust. Stay tuned.

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN

 

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Season Finale | 03.14.16

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, I didn’t post a re-cap from last week’s “Women Tell All” and truthfully, the women didn’t tell too much, it was kind of a bummer. This season of The Bachelor was the first season I have ever committed to and I honestly thought that when an episode is titled “Women Tell All”, that all of the women were going to return and either hash it out with Ben or hash it out with each other or maybe a bit of both. Now, there was certainly some back and forth happening (see Olivia vs. Emily and Olivia vs. Amanda), but it wasn’t the full on, claws out that I was hoping for. But, I do think it is only fair to maybe touch on a few of my favorite things that did happen during that episode.

Who knew that there was secretly some sort of a race conflict going down between Jubilee and Jami and Amber OR I should probably promote it as. . .Jubilee vs. Jami and Amber. Here’s the scoop. Apparently, while in the house, Jubilee was bragging on a couple of different occasions, on how she is going to be the “black girl who has gotten the furthest”, I’m assuming she means in Bachelor history, but who knows, what I do know is that it pissed Jami and Amber right off. Not only that, Jubilee allegedly would also boast about being the only real black contestant. Now, it doesn’t take a genius to see that Amber and Jami are both bi-racial, both have a black parent, so Jubilee’s ridiculousness really had them going. Jubilee doesn’t deny speaking about her “blackness”, she does however refuse to admit she ever said anything that diminished the “blackness” of both Jami and/or Amber. What does this BXTCH think? Jami and Amber were looking for a few more minutes of time in the light and used this as a way of obtaining it. The only other girl in the house who was able to corroborate the story of our two bi-racial queens, was Shushanna, and I think she would’ve said anything to get the camera to focus on her a bit.

Crazy Lace was back and she did not disappoint. When pulled down from the ladies to speak with Chris, Lace did explain why she felt it was necessary to leave the show. She needed to work on herself before she could truly give any part of Lace to anyone else. It was all very Dr. Phil like, but here is the best part. Turns out, crazy attracts crazy, because some nutbag (the penis wearing kind) in the audience stands up to proclaim his fondness for Lace. This screwball tattooed himself (along his torso) with a picture of Lace, yes, you read that correctly, a picture of Lace. This guy is a fucking idiot who must not get the business on the regular, because the first thing any lady wants to see when they’re getting ready to stick your dick in their mouth, is the face of another woman tattooed on your body and while their head is bobbing up and down, they want to certainly be able to look into the eyes of a woman that is not them. But the best news of the night was revealed when Chris invited Lace to participate in Bachelor in Paradise (and she accepts). I have never seen the show, nor have I ever even been tempted to tune in, but you can bet a BXTCHES left tit that she will certainly be tuning in for that!

Olivia was just one big wide mouthed disappointment. I really wanted to see her crazy come straight out of her jacked up toes, but all she did was turn on the tears and give her own prime time special with her sob story. First, Emily called her out on her shit and didn’t really hold too much back (man, I love Emily). Jen got her some jabs in as well by letting Olivia know that other girls enjoy reading and having intellectual conversations as well. Amanda had her say about the “Teen Mom” comment, Olivia apologized again and Amanda (eye-rolling from this BXTCH) accepted the apology, I know, I know, she’s a mom and she needs to set a good example. . .blah, blah, blah. Fuck that, she needed to make Olivia sweat it out a tiny bit more, but I digress, let’s get to the goods. When Emily calls Olivia out for bullying the other ladies, Olivia (who looked really good and her hair was amazing) claims she was bullied a lot as a child. Does this BXTCH believe a word of that? HELL NO! Anyone who was truly bullied as a child knows the kind of pain that does to your soul, so you would never wish to inflict that onto someone else. She did seem upset about the bad breath and jacked up toe comments though, so much so that she actually shed a tear or two. There’s not much she can do about the toes, I get that, but girl, if the breath is an issue, FIX IT! We talked about it before, no one is going to want to play any sort of tongue twister with you if it’s going to make them dry heave. I must be a bitter BXTCH, because the shock of the night came when Olivia admitted that after watching back the season, she understood why Ben cut her loose. Either she means that shit or she was secretly auditioning to become the next Bachelorette, because anyone who watched this season knows that Olivia felt from the word go that her and Ben were meant to spend forever and ever tangled between the sheets and making lots of babies. So for her to do a complete 180?? Something is definitely up with that.

Awww. . .Caila. I can’t be the only one whose heart broke a little having to watch Ben say goodbye to Caila, but I guess if the love wasn’t there, it wasn’t there. Caila did return and was surprisingly in a good place. Well, I shouldn’t say surprisingly, I don’t know the BXTCH, maybe she bounces back from heartbreak quick, who knows? She just seemed at peace with Ben and how things went down. When given the opportunity to speak with Ben (yes, he was there) she was very nice and not at all bitter. 

While I want to say that it’s refreshing to see the grace and class some of these ladies held on to, I would be lying.  The only “bitterness” towards Ben came from Leah when she tried to call him out, he put her in her place immediately, and let’s face it, besides the eyebrows, that bitch has no redeeming qualities. I wanted to see more “You Broke Me” & “I Loved You”, oh well, there’s always next season. 

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I’m sure by now you know who is wearing the ring with the promise of becoming Mrs. Ben Higgins, but no worries, I’m not going to reveal (or at least try not to) the secret until the end of this post. What I want to say is this, this fucking episode stressed me the fuck out (if my niece was reading this, I would owe her so much money with all the “fucks” dropped). ABC dangled one thing right in front of our greedy little hearts with the trailers of this show, but didn’t deliver on what we thought those trailers were promising. I know what you’re thinking, it’s all about the ratings, well fuck you too, I was really looking forward to Ben sending one away, then realizing he made a mistake and calling her back. I’m gonna go ahead and break your heart now, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!! I mean he does send one girl out in tears, but he never calls her back, NO, he waits for the other girl and gets down on one knee and well, you know the rest. Let’s just get on with this anxiety riddled episode, shall we?

This is the episode where the remaining two (Jojo and Lauren) get to meet Ben’s parents and Ben is left with the agonizing process of having to decide which girl he belongs with. Remember, he has already told each girl that he loves her and his mom is just a bit taken aback when he reveals that little nugget. I do think that Ben is close enough to his parents that he is going to be depending on them to clear up the blurred lines that he has created. Up first is Lauren.

Lauren arrives to meet Ben’s parents how anyone would expect. She’s dressed nice and shows up with some flowers and what seems to be a Bachelor staple. . .alcohol. Ben has already made it known to the parents of his connection with Lauren, from the very beginning. The initial introduction was awkwardly enthusiastic. They were excited to meet one another, it’s when they sit and start a conversation that things seem to stray to the awkward side. She talks to dad first and she expresses her love for Ben, but also “sells” Ben. Does she really need to list his attributes to his own father? I think the most important conversation is the one the ladies are going to have with Ben’s mom. Lauren does the same thing as far as listing the attributes she loves about Ben, but she also asks some questions about Ben that only a mom could answer and his mom lays some questions on Lauren that I think are important for a mom to know the answer to. When Ben sits down with his mom, I don’t really think the lines become any less blurry. Lauren must’ve practiced her best “Lauren marketing” campaign prior to meeting Ben’s parents, because even when Ben and Lauren sit down with just each other, she is still trying to sell herself (don’t worry, it’s not in a hooker kind of way). She lets Ben know that she is 100% ready to accept his proposal, if he decides to give it to her. 

Ever heard of an instant relief find address now levitra 10 mg pill? Which delivers what it promises within a limited or short span of time? Well, the typical mindset of an average human being is that erectile dysfunction is a disorder and require constant monitoring of the effectiveness of these mails. Just cialis viagra online take only one single dose of Kamagra tablet in 24 hours. The action of Peripheral neuropathy involves the nerves that control response to sexual stimulation, it reduces a person’s ability to achieve an generic viagra without visa erection upon arousal, leading to erectile dysfunction. There are programs that include rationing, detoxification, group viagra canada shipping counseling, psychotherapy, relapse prevention, holistic treatment services and nutritional therapy but the most important factor in the process of ejaculation of sperms of man during the sexual action. After “meet the parents” with both ladies, they each get a last date and Lauren’s number is up. She meets Ben out in the middle of the ocean on a boat that I’m quite certain would have me feeding the fishes with all of the vomiting I would be doing. They start their talk with the kind of words that if the boat wouldn’t have me testing my upchuck reflux, their conversation would have, but young love and all that. When they make their way to the beach, they finally open up the lines of communication a bit more. Lauren asks if there is anything specifically about her that he is worried about. His answer. . .the only concern he has is the fact that their relationship has been pretty perfect, no bumps. So, what would life look like if they kind of get tested? He loves her, he knows he loves her. They end the daytime portion of their date with Lauren confused, thinking that he is not 100% sold on her as his wife. She also recognizes that he is in a relationship with another girl and she doesn’t know where his feeling are at with Jojo. They meet back up in the evening and while I was hoping for some really deep talk, it was all just a bunch of verbal jerking each other off, and we never even got to the climatic part. It just left me with a case of emotional blue balls. 

BXTCHES side commentary: I fully realize that I am really bringing out the deep inner BXTCH here but, is there not one person on the staff of The Bachelor that could’ve given Lauren a quick “girl, you need to introduce the back of your head to a hairbrush”? Tropical weather is not good for Lauren’s extensions (yes girl, we can tell). A little bit of FrizzEase or some coconut oil, SOMETHING to get those tresses under control. Also, I’m not sure if Lauren is walking with an imaginary stick up her ass to accent it more or not. I don’t think she’s got a vag that’s itchy, but girl, you got some junk back there (I mean for someone your size), you don’t need to walk like that. And, I’m sure Ben has gotten a good look at it from every angle and he seems to be happy with it, so for the love of Sir-Mix-A-Lot, STOP IT! I like Lauren, I always believed she would be one of the final girls vying, I just get a feeling of  “I know what to say to make you happy” vibe from her. I do think she loves Ben, she has just done everything but take out his dick and stroke it for all to see. She seems too manufactured. But who knows, maybe that is her true self.

Jojo arrives to meet the parents very nervous, so much so, that Ben brings it up. She is dressed very appropriately (meaning the girls are contained) and arrives with flowers, but sans alcohol. Jojo starts with what is almost an awards acceptance speech to the ones who made Ben, again, someone selling Ben to the two people who do not need a list of reasons to love or accept him. The conversation again turns a bit awkward, so I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a first time meeting and it’s just nerves or if it’s because there are cameras there, either way, it was weird. When Jojo sits down and talks to Ben’s dad, she lays it all out there. She was certainly selling Ben, but doing it in a way that she was trying to put the dad at ease with Ben picking her. Jojo knows that going into a conversation with Ben’s mom is a bit more stressful. When Jojo tells mom that Ben makes her feel safe, she tells Jojo that Ben said the same thing about her. Jojo gets emotional when explaining her love for Ben and mom was very welcoming and what seemed to be, happy with Jojo’s revelations. When Jojo gets some alone time with Ben, she lets him know that she is in a place where she wants to spend her life with Ben and asks Ben if he is in the same place (regardless of who he were to pick). In the end, I don’t think the parents were able to offer up anything that would make things more clear for Ben. They liked both ladies for different reasons and the one bright spot was his parents being happy with whoever Ben decides in the end.

For the last date of Jojo and Ben, we find them back at a waterfall, jumping off of a cliff, making out a bit. Then they have another conversation, really about where each of their heads are at. Ben explains that his love for Jojo is very clear, he’s just in a “1000 different places”. The conversation didn’t leave Jojo feeling very confident. The nighttime portion of the date brings out some serious and deep convo. Jojo just lets it all out when she expresses her worry about where Ben is at emotionally. Ben tells her that she is his best friend and he knows he loves her and that he has never had a relationship as deep as the one he has with Jojo. The talk leads them to the bathroom of all places, where Jojo is having a breakdown. Ben tells her that he has told Lauren that he loves her as well. Once the “bathroom talk” ends, they have a very emotional moment, Ben even sheds a couple tears. It was all very 90210 and Kelly and Dylan and Brenda. Brought back some memories for this BXTCH.

BXTCH side commentary: I have never had to compete for the love of a future husband with multiple girls. Truth be told, I wouldn’t. Even if I had the youth, the body, the looks, and the money, to be a contestant on The Bachelor, I don’t think I have the patience to battle with other BXTCHES. So, I’m a little dumbfounded when these girls talk about the “final rose” as either being the best day of their life or the day that could very well break them. But let’s lay it all out. This is a man, who more than likely put his dick into three different women, while proclaiming his love to two of them. And even if his dick didn’t get a direct introduction to the three pussies, there was definitely some “other” happenings. There is no way that they each don’t know that the other was intimate with Ben. I get that the normal progression of a relationship will usually lead two people becoming more familiar with one another, either in the bedroom, or in the shower, up against the wall, I get carried away, sorry, back to my point. Breaking this down in the simplest of terms, both Lauren and Jojo have become salesmen trying to convince Ben as to why they should be the chosen one, they are also both very emotional over the idea that Ben may not pick them. Yes, Ben, the one who fucked one, then day(s) later, fucked the other. I wouldn’t be asking Ben if he has declared his love for the other, my question would be if he nailed her or not, that’s where your answer lies. Love is a tricky BXTCH and can be disguised as many things, while sex may be just sex, it’s still a very revealing act. Not that I blame Ben for bringing Little Ben out to play, but as the female I would’ve made him wait (good God I sound like a Republican), because if I’m not the one, that’s just one less factor to add to the heartbreak, if I am the one, Ben would’ve said a thank you to sex gods the night of the proposal because this BXTCH would’ve brought out some tricks. This whole show is a process, a means to an end, a very entertaining one, but a means nonetheless. It’s not a journey, you can’t even consider it to be reality, because in real life, this is not how it’s played out. There’s no “what time are you going to be home from work?” OR “Babe, not tonight, I’m tired” OR “Your friend is a real bitch” OR “Can you please pick up your goddamn shoes up off the floor, we have a closet!” OR how about having to save up for an engagement ring? A boyfriend/fiancée isn’t test driving many makes and models (at the same time) just to make sure that you’re the one (a good boyfriend/fiancée isn’t at least). So future ladies of The Bachelor, take it for what it is, an opportunity, a chapter in a very long book AND if this guy is someone who is worthy of your love and your life, then make him earn it. Okay, enough of that, let’s get to Ben’s choice.

When Jojo is the first to step off of the helicopter, I just knew AND fuck you ABC for leading us to believe that Ben was going to call one of them back because he had a realization that he sends the wrong one away, that is not how this plays out. Let me just rip the band-aid off, Ben tells Jojo that while he does love her, he loves Lauren more. Tears are shed, he walks her to the limo and sends her on her way. Ben does make a phone call, it’s just to Lauren’s dad, asking permission to marry his daughter. Truthfully, that was a great gesture and helped mend my heartbreak over Jojo just a little (oh yeah, I was definitely Team Jojo). Once Lauren arrives, he does what needs to be done, he gets down on one knee, she accepts. Even though I was all about Jojo, Ben’s proposal was fantastic. For some reason, watching a grown man shed happy tears does something to my ovaries, too bad my hubby wasn’t home.Bachelor Finale Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comAt the beginning of this final episode, we see the live studio audience and Chris Harrison gives the intro to the episode. He also points out that during the Women Tell All, when Ben is asked if he is in love, he states that he is so in love that he would marry her tomorrow if he could. ABC uses that as an opportunity to hopefully have the first Bachelor wedding on the after show. They went as far as even bringing in Ben’s pastor from Indiana. Once Ben and Lauren come out and this potential wedding is discussed, it is decided that they need a little more time getting to know one another before saying “I Do”. Ben does re-propose, so her family could bare witness, that was a bit strange for me, I think it kind of takes away from the actual proposal, but the audience ate that shit up. Jojo does get her time to address the entire situation and an opportunity to address Ben. They didn’t seem uncomfortable around one another, but it was a bit bumbly. I do think she gets her closure and she says that after watching Ben with Lauren she understood, I didn’t (see below), but I wasn’t there so what do I know. The best news of the night was Chris revealing the new Bachelorette and yes, you guessed correctly, Jojo will begin her journey in finding her ever after very soon (season premiere is in May, I think). All in all, I do believe/hope that it works out for Lauren and Ben. Their love is apparent and quite adorable. I think ABC did well with Ben as The Bachelor (I could be biased since it’s the first time I actually tuned in), but the bar has certainly been raised.

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com“I came into this, honestly feeling unloveable, like I couldn’t be loved or that I was never going to find that person to love me, fully. Then we go through this experience. It’s been a journey that’s full of good-byes. But, Lauren, I never want to say good-bye to you. I want to wake up every morning and kiss you on the face. I want to go to bed at night and know that in the morning I’m gonna wake up to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. My desire from here on out is to live for you, commit to you, to love you, to hold you and kiss you a lot. Lauren, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Lauren, will you marry me?”  -Ben

Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comI know I have never enjoyed The Bachelor prior to Ben, but surely the contestants on the show have. I’m going somewhere with this, no worries. Why do they get pissed when the “blindside” comes? I would be upset if I were Jojo, but only because I love him and I thought that he loved me and he picks another girl, not because he didn’t tell me while he was fucking my brains out that I wasn’t the one. For Jojo to get pissed because he didn’t drop any clues is unfair, to her and Ben. Did she really expect for him to pull her aside and give her the news? I guess she’ll find out soon enough just how difficult it is making those decisions.

During the after show, Lauren is asked if Ben came clean about his feeling for Jojo. She claims that after the proposal, while lying in bed, Ben told her everything. He may have told her everything, but hearing it, then seeing it, are two totally different experiences. In my professional, Bachelor watching opinion, him and Jojo together just seemed right. Watching the way that Ben looked at Jojo, you could see his love for her. It’s not that I didn’t believe in his love for Lauren, I just thought his love for Jojo was deeper (he even said it), so being his brand new fiancée and seeing that unfold before my eyes, would give my self-esteem a bit of a hit.

I still stand beside my theory that these girls (especially Lauren) broke up with previous boyfriends to pursue an opportunity on this show. I know that’s a bit cynical (okay, a lot), but to come out of a relationship and decide that the next one you want to enter not only involves 20+ girls, but is also going to be televised, yeah. . .not normal.

Well BXTCHES, we’ll be talking about Jojo and her quest very soon. Bachelor in Paradise airs this summer and I think I read that not only will Lace be participating, but Olivia and Jubilee as well, basically all the crazies from this season, CAN’T WAIT! And hopefully a wedding is just around the corner for Ben and Lauren.

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Episode Nine | 02.29.16

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, I apologize for the tardiness of this post. I spent the weekend in Denver with my daughter (volleyball tournament) and didn’t get back home until late Monday night. My body decided while in Denver, it would be a mighty fine time to come down with a hella cold, so it’s now Tuesday and I’m finally sitting down to watch Ben and the final three. Unfortunately, after getting home from volleyball practice tonight, my niece decided it was a great time to spoil this episode. I almost punched her in the throat, but realized that would be considered abuse and just freaked out on her instead.

BXTCH side commentary: I am well aware that hottie Ben Higgins lives in Denver. Unfortunately, unless he was couped up inside the Colorado Convention Center, there was no chance in hell of me running into him. Bummer. 

It’s week nine and time for the overnight dates and you know what that means. . .finally time to get to talk without the cameras around. C’mon, get your mind out of the gutter. Well, at least for now, mine will be there later, no worries.

One would think Ben would’ve learned his lesson regarding tropical locations after the Bahama incident, but I guess not, because Ben and the lucky ladies are meeting up in Jamaica. I’m not too sure how these dates are spaced apart, but I’m sure it’s not a week per date, however, I’m hoping it’s not back to back to back either. I mean, that’s a lot of pressure on Little Ben to perform, not that people don’t get the business 3 nights in a row, I’m just thinking that 3 different girls, 3 nights in a row, dates, cameras, that’s just lots of pressure and what an awful time for stage fright to appear.

My Bachelor review usually consists of me watching the episode all the way through, making notes, then re-watching as I actually write out the “re-cap”. I realize that I’ve never really committed to a season of The Bachelor, but I am well aware of what the Fantasy Suite is. However, I’m will get to my feelings regarding all that a bit later.

First up tonight is Caila. To re-cap her hometown visit, I thought she had the most successful visit of the episode. Her parents were super receptive to Ben and if you remember, Ben actually said that his relationship with Caila was deeper than any relationship that he had with any girl left (he’s still saying that at the onset of this particular date). So, one would think/hope that going into an overnight date, Caila’s sitting pretty. However, I guess when love is involved, there is always a bit of uncertainty. Even more so, when your guy just happens to be in a relationship with two other girls, damn those details. As usual, Caila is feeling a bit unsure. Even though her own mom told her to tell Ben last week that she loved him, she still hasn’t done so and it is starting to really affect her. Ben takes Caila on a raft of sorts, down the river. There is very uncomfortable silence. Conversation seems almost forced. In her “confessional” she admits to being frustrated. It’s kind of stressing her out that he’s in a relationship with two other girls, it’s almost too difficult to get out of her own head. When they finally get a chance to talk about things, Ben expresses to her that he really doesn’t want her to feel stressed. I just think Caila is really overthinking things and allowing the fact that she hasn’t spoken the “words”, cause her anxiety. Ben pretends that in order to even offer up the Fantasy Suite, that he’ll need his relationship with Caila to “open” up again, but seriously, there is no doubt about what Ben is going to do with the invitation to the suite. NO REGRETS is the motto Caila is chanting in her head and when the nighttime arrives, she is determined to express her love. Ben needs to know why Caila was acting peculiar and Caila finally lays it on the line. Yes, she tells Ben that she loves him. He doesn’t say it back, but does decide that the appropriate response is to stick his tongue down her throat and well, we all know, that is code for “Hell yeah, I’m getting laid tonight!” Caila then decides to channel her inner Olivia when she says (direct quote) “Ben doesn’t have to say anything. I tell him I love him and I can see in his eyes and I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.”  Slow down killer, that confession didn’t turn out too well for your spirit animal. Even though Ben claims that this is what he’s been waiting for, he doesn’t reciprocate those same feelings, he does however, hand over the all important invite and she of course, accepts. I guess the importance of the evening is being able to spend time without our eyes present. We do however get to see the beginning of what I’m guessing was important conversation (wink, wink). The next morning brings a certain promise and a confession of “amazing” and more “I love you’s” from Caila (you go, Ben). Even though Caila believes that Ben feels the same, he just can’t express it. . .well, Caila, you’ll be singing a different tune (closer to Alanis Morissette) when you watch back this episode.

Lolo. . .c’mon down, it’s time for you to take Ben out for a test drive, I mean, overnight date with Ben. I have to address the funky strut in the room. What in the hell was up with Lolo’s walk? First, it’s her constant pucker, then she is literally walking like she has a stick up her ass (I am not joking), I think her shorts are too tight, but I’m not sure if that’s the case. It’s strange to say the least. Our boy Ben doesn’t seem to notice, so all is good. Like Caila, Lauren is hesitant to express her love for Ben to Ben. The date kicks off and Ben does good. They spend the day with baby sea turtles and get to release the nest. Super cool. Circle of life and all that. They get the chance to re-cap the hometown date, since they haven’t talked since. He confesses that he cried to her sister and that he thinks he’s too good for her, she feels the same way about him. It was all very campy and cheesy and almost straight from Hollywood. The nighttime brings some Reggae music and Lolo stressing out about telling Ben how she feels. Just like with Caila, she is feeling the stress of the other girls and their relationships with Ben. I guess they’ve never seen an episode of this show before. They sit down and not eat dinner and just really discuss the previous week and their time apart. It’s almost like her and Caila read from the same notes before they sat down with him. Of course, he offers her the Fantasy Suite and of course, she says yes. She disguises it as needing time away from the cameras and being able to spend time with just Ben and no distractions. Tell yourself what you need to, especially when you know that there’s a high possibility that your parents are going to be watching this episode with you. Ben, however, is eying Lauren like she is his next meal and his plans include removing the giant stick from her ass. The Fantasy Suite brings it out of Lauren, she confesses her love for him and he returns the same feelings. In case you missed it, his words were. . .“For me, I’ve know I’m in love with you for a while as well.” She sheds some tears and my only guess is it leads to a different kind of making out. Circle of life and all that. I’m shocked that she didn’t tell the cameras to get the fuck out. Her dress is on the floor the following morning, so I’m quite certain body parts became acquainted. This fucking show needs to be on HBO. The morning brings promises of “no more holding back” and more confessions of love. I gotta say, I don’t feel that Lauren is very genuine. I almost feel like she’s fake in a way, like she’s putting on a front for Ben. Had no where else to say that, so why not plug it in right here.

Last again, is Jojo. Who I think at this point may be my favorite. Again, girlfriend is putting it all out there. Her ladies are ready for an up close and personal introduction to Ben. I’m very much attracted to dick, but even I want to motor boat Jojo. Ben claims that if by the end of his date with Jojo, if he isn’t feeling love, then he will have to say goodbye to her. Her brothers really didn’t help out Jojo, in fact, the word assholes come to mind. But a helicopter ride and a beautiful waterfall later and we find Ben and Jojo becoming familiar once again. I suppose it’s all about risk taking. They did jump off of a cliff together. Once again, another lady wants to declare her love to Ben, but fear gets in the way. Although, Jojo was much quicker to say the words than the other girls were. And, holy shitballs, Ben says it back to her too. So, I guess he figured out rather quickly that he actually does know how he feels. I think her reaction to his declaration was much more genuine than Lauren’s reaction. Ben even admits that he is more himself around Jojo than he is with any other girl, so it’ll be interesting to see how this plays out. Jojo has zero doubts about whose husband Ben will be, and in case you’re a bit slow on the uptake, she’s betting her last name will be Higgins. Ben’s biggest concern is Jojo’s family. The main worry from Ben is that her brother’s do not know him anymore than he knows them, even after the hometown date. Jojo did her best to set his mind at ease, we’ll just have to see if it worked. Fantasy Suite is offered, Fantasy Suite accepted. I’m not sure how that will bring Ben closer to Jojo’s brother’s, but the body wants, what the body wants. Ben and Jojo actually seemed more at ease with one another “the morning after” than the other two. At least it’s Ben doing the walk of shame each time. 

BXTCH side commentary: It seems that in every episode, they’re either drinking, making out, or talking about the same things over and over. It’s constantly. . . “I’m just so scared” OR “I’ve never felt like this in my past relationships” OR how much the idea of declaring their love scares them. It’s the strangest thing, they all express their feelings about other girls still being in the mix, but then turn right around and tell Ben how great he is, it’s almost back-handed. At this point, I think it’ll be easier to just drop to your knees, which I’m sure they each do later in the night. C’mon, all of these one-on-one conversations are all the same. We know you’re scared, we know that you’re unsure if you’re heart and mind can feel the same things, but you know you are in love with him. What we don’t know is. . .does he know what your favorite restaurant is? Or, who your favorite band is? Or, how you feel about Donald Trump and does he feel the same? Or, what the one thing is that you can’t live without? Or, Jojo, are your girls real or fake? Or, has it occurred to any of you to maybe start the awkward convo about what happens if he does propose to you? Will ya’ll live in Denver? Are you willing to relocate? Is fun even a possibility without some alcohol present? I just feel that we are not getting to the meat of the matter. I know, it may not be any of my business, but this BXTCH is just as invested in this happily ever after as anyone, so I need some answers.

It’s about to get seriously awkward, so hang on. During confession time, Ben admits that he is in love with both Lauren and Jojo, but doesn’t feel the same with Caila. So, we already know (if we didn’t previously) that Caila is going home. Caila gets a wild idea (one that I’m quite certain was given by ABC) to surprise Ben, because she “misses him”. Remember, Caila is bringing out her inner Olivia, she thinks that he may not have said the big word back, but she knows just by looking at Ben, that he feels the same, so why not surprise him. Once she plays a quick game of guess whose lips, he at least appears to be shocked. You can sense the weirdness immediately when he continues to let go of her hand while they walk. He takes her to go talk and Ben breaks the news to her. Once he begins his “speech”, she had to know halfway through that he was cutting her loose. He does tell her that he is in love with two women and he just couldn’t say it back to her. She handled the break up well, she does take the opportunity to hop out of the car and try to seek some more answers. I really think what she wanted to ask him was “Did you know before you fucked me that you were going to cut me loose?”, that’s not the words she used, but this BXTCH is pretty sure that’s what she meant. Ben claims that everything was up in the air, that he wasn’t sure where he stood prior to Jamaica. I do think that this whole scenario was staged. I don’t think Caila knew she was going to be let go when she went to surprise Ben, I just think Ben knew he wanted to end things with her and maybe wanted to do it without the other two around, so a “surprise” was planned. Caila is a better BXTCH than I am, because I would’ve left that ass standing there. Caila does break down in the car, Ben seems unsure, so who really knows. I do think we just found our new Bachelorette. 
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Obviously the Rose Ceremony is to the point. Both ladies (separately) tell Chris that Ben declared his love and Ben informs them that. . .he has cut Caila loose. Then there were two. While I thought Lolo’s shorts may have been too tight, thus causing her very strange walk, she’s walking the same in her dress. I’m not sure if she’s trying to work her ass and doesn’t realize how ridiculous she looks or if she maybe has a yeast infection. I’m thinking it must be the former, because we know that Ben was all up in that and a yeasty puss is not so friendly to dick.

Next week, the ladies tell all, so holy shit, that is going to be fan-fucking-tastic. Man, I miss Lace. In two weeks, we get to the end. If the previews are anything to go by, then brace yourself because shit will be going down. My prediction. . .Jojo will be wearing that Higgins jersey for real.The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

“I wish I was in your head. Trust me.”-Jojo

“Ben is just my person. Ben is my person”-Lolo

“Seeing Lauren for the first time is really the closest thing that I’ve ever felt to love at first sight”-Ben

Final Thoughts Tag
I’m not sure if I’m buying the “I’m so in love with him” line. I certainly think that there is love involved, but for these girls to claim that this is the happiest they have every been, is crap. And if I’m wrong, then what kind of past relationships have they had that makes this one the best? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure being swept away and taken on all kinds of fantasy dates, would make any girl swoon and declare certain affirmations. But, get back to me when life is kicking your ass and the real world is waiting at your front door.

Lolo. . .girl, I think you’re great, but for the love of the 80’s and Valley Girls everywhere, please STOP breaking up your sentences with the word “like”. On a side note, it seems that the Jamaican weather was much nicer to your hair. Fuck the Bahamas.

What fucking mascara do these BXTCHES use? That shit is NEVER running down their faces, even after the love of their life says goodbye, I can’t even step out in the heat without concern. Cover Girl, I’m gonna need for you to get your shit together, figure out the secret and step up your game.

Chris. . .dude, your handwriting is phenomenal, but in the future, we should have the Bachelor/ette leave the “I want to fuck you note”, it’s a little creepy coming from you. But, hold your head up high, your penmanship would make any elementary school teacher proud.

Let’s discuss the premise that is the Fantasy Suite. I think Ben is hot as fuck or just fucking adorable, I haven’t worked that one out yet. And I’m quite certain, if I wasn’t married, I could slut it up with the best of them. I just don’t know how I would feel about knowing that Ben is offering the promise of the deep dick to me as well as the other girls involved. I know, I know, hypocrite much? I for sure think I would take the time to have some fun, I just don’t know if I would be letting him drill it home. I would certainly be saving that part of me for when I knew without a doubt that I was his. **I am not at all implying that I believe that these girls are in any way, shape, or form “slutty”. I think they did what they believed any girlfriend would do and also what they thought was necessary. 

I’m definitely glad it’s a new suite for each fuck session, way to keep it classy, ABC.

Sign off TagRemember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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Episode Eight | 02.22.16

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I must admit, my heart was a bit crushed when Ben sent Emily packing last week, while I understood his thought process and maybe, just maybe, agreed with it, it was still sad to see the Professional Twin go. Becca was the other one denied eternal marital bliss with Ben, though this one didn’t come as much of a surprise to this BXTCH. Tonight we are getting to the good stuff. . .28 ladies have been dwindled down and only 4 remain for the chance to claim their ever after. Jojo, Lauren B., Amanda, and Caila are still standing and shit is going down because these BXTCHES are taking Ben home to meet the fam. And if the previews are anything to go by, Jerry Springer ain’t got nothin’ on The Bachelor.

First up. . .Amanda and Laguna Beach. Ben meets up with Amanda at the, well, beach. She is waiting to introduce Ben to her girls, but his first meet is also her first time to see her little ones since this whole experience began, which I thought was a wee bit strange. I understand that this is TV and it’s all about the ratings. . .yada, yada, yada. However, in my professional opinion (which isn’t professional at all, just highly opinionated), I feel that the initial introduction to Amanda’s kids should’ve been done off camera. It was a bit overwhelming for the girls, especially the little one, who seemed unsure of what in the hell was happening. Now, Ben was really good with the girls, but a playdate does not equal real life and once they leave the beach, reality sets in real quick. Nothing like a crying baby to give you a glimpse into parenthood. Ben gets to meet Amanda’s mom, dad, and sister. The first member of Amanda’s family to swoop Ben away for some one-on-one talk is the momma. She comes right out and wants to know how Ben feels about taking on parental responsibility. I got the impression that Ben may have been saying the right things, but was very uncomfortable talking about a future as “dad”. Now, when Amanda and her mom take some alone time to chat, we actually got to see a side previously unseen. She breaks down and talks about how embarrassed she was by her divorce and how much she longs for familial normalcy. And while I like Amanda, I’m not feeling that Amanda + Ben = Forever. I think her feelings for him are certainly real, but I also think she had desires that Ben was going to immediately step in to be the “insta”dad. Score one for Grandpa, because Amanda’s dad really lays it out for him. Wanting kids and instantly having kids are two different things and life isn’t always easy when kids are involved. Unfortunately, Amanda went into this week thinking she was in love with Ben, but ends the visit knowing she is in love with him and I’m not too sure he is anywhere near being on the same page.

BXTCH side commentary: I think that Amanda is gorgeous, however, someone in the wardrobe department could’ve given the chica a heads up. The top she was sporting was cute, but not “let me run down the beach and jump in your arms” appropriate. She almost lost control of the “girls” several times. Her kids, adorable as fuck, but for the love of bikinis and Coppertone, who in the world decided to put gladiator sandals on these cutie patooties? Never mind the fact that someone dressed two different girls that are two different ages, with two different personalities, identical, they went and put them in sandals that buckle or some shit, all the way up to their knees. And what does Amanda say is their favorite thing to do? They love it when you chase them. Who in the fuck can run in those sandals? And back to dressing identical, can we please stop that fucking trend? Amanda wasn’t dressed like her sister, why does Kinsley and Charlie (fantastic names by the way) have to match one another? From the pigtails to the motherfuckin’ shoes. Jesus, we need an social movement on this BXTCHES!

Lauren B. is up next. And Portland is put in the spotlight. Though I’m sure I can stop with the Lauren “B”, she is the only Lauren left. We’ll see if I can get that to stick. When Lauren (hey lookie there, so far so good) meets up with Ben in Portland, she takes him to a “food truck row” of sorts. We also get to see a “Keep Portland Weird” sign and c’mon Portland, it’s fact that they were Keeping Austin Weird first, get a bit more creative please. They share some delicious looking food, Ben feeds her a grilled cheese while mimicking a flight attendant, it was as awkward looking as it sounds, trust. She then takes Ben to a whiskey library or as Lauren says “libary” (for real), but it did look super cool, even though there was not another soul in sight. I think that Ben and Lauren are comfortable with one another, it just seems that they were trying to come up with conversation instead of just allowing it to flow. And this is one of my issues with this whole idea of “reality love” (see my brilliant side commentary). Lauren is desperate to confess her love for Ben, but she is really needing an endorsement from her family. Even going as far to say that if her family doesn’t approve, then she would have to walk away. The first thing we get from her family is her sister (Mollie) posing the following question to them: “Like if I brought someone home, after knowing him for a month, and you guys have never met him, you would have some concerns” No worries, Ben and Lauren weren’t present for that dinger of a question, though it’s a legitimate worry. We learn Lauren is Lolo, they seen to have a really tight unit and it shows when Mollie takes him away and wants the low down on everything. She wants to know how genuine he is, is he saying the same things to every family he visits, but he hits her smack dab in the weak spot, that brilliant mess of a man, goes and. . .sheds some tears, and that’s all it takes for Mollie to fold like a cheap suit and jump right on the Ben bandwagon. However, she drops a bomb when her and Lauren are having some quality sister bonding time. She mentions that it hasn’t been that long since Lolo’s been out of a relationship and Lauren confirms this by saying that it’s been less than a year since her last relationship ended. Did I miss this in a previous episode? I’m starting to wonder if some of these ladies ended relationships for the sole purpose of trying to make it onto the show. I know, that’s crazy talk, but. . .they knew Ben was going to be the Bachelor, so is it really that far fetched? Just a lingering thought. Ben knows what to say to the daddy-o, but dad wants to know how Ben can be so sure about his Lolo after such a short amount of time. Lauren’s dad really lays it out for her, when he reminds her that Ben is having the same visits with three other ladies and I think it’s this question mark from her dad that has her holding back on confessing her love for him. She sends him off into the night with just a kiss and “see you soon”.

BXTCH side commentary: Is it impossible to sit and try to find out more about the other person? Ben says to Lauren while they are in the whiskey library, that he is so glad he’s there and he really thought that she was missing home so much that she was going to want to leave. He’s certainly not watching the same show we are. Now, in the meantime, in her “street interview”, Lauren confesses that she could sit in a room and not speak a word with Ben and she would feel more content and fulfilled than anything she has done in her entire life. They are obviously not reading from the same page, but. . .back up BXTCH, seriously? You’ve known this dude for all of what? A month? Six weeks? I think a little life reflection is in order. Now, back to my point. Conversation shouldn’t be forced. Get to really know one another. I’m not asking you to discuss how you prefer to have your puss devoured, but you could start off with “tell me about your friends” OR “what’s your favorite thing to do in Denver?” OR “what kind of teenager were you?” OR “I’m about to meet your family, I know you adore your dad, tell me more about them and what I can expect”, geesh, it’s like I have to write the script for you people!! Also, Lauren’s sister looks like she belongs more in Olivia’s bloodline than Lauren’s. And I hate to beat the small mouth horse, but what in the fuck is with the constant “I just sucked on a lemon” face? Is this what too many duck face selfies do to you? On a totally different note: I really want to see Lauren’s hair without the extensions. Just me?

Hudson, Ohio is next on Ben’s journey and this is where we find Caila. Before Ben meets up with Caila, he talks about his relationship with her, and in that, reveals that his relationship with Caila is the deepest relationship at this point. I know, shocked me too. So, score one for you Caila fans. It starts on a positive because their towns are very similar. Small town America seems to define them both, surprisingly. Previously, Caila mentioned how she didn’t really have “roots”, we find out in this episode that she moved to Hudson as a teenager, but I’m sure it’s nice for her to now have a place to call home. She actually takes him on a date to her dad’s company, which happens to be a toy company. There they design and build their own home. He then carries her out of the factory, Richard Gere and Debra Winger style. While this was all quite cute, I’m wondering what will become of the house that Ben and Caila built, if he decides to drop her ass like a hot potato? Ben meets Caila’s dad, mom, and younger brother. Like Lauren, Caila knows she is in love with Ben, however she needs the validation of her family as well. You know the visit is going to go great, when Caila’s mom asks Ben is he knows any Filipino’s.  They really bonded with Ben over dinner, which I think made Ben a bit more comfortable. Her mom takes Ben away first and she really just wants to know “why Caila?”. I think Ben does a really good job of describing his attraction to Caila and goes one further when he talks to her mom about Caila’s fear that she can’t fully fall in love. Her mom must give off that particular vibe, because Ben really lays his fears out there. Caila’s heart to heart with her dad was very moving, even more moving was the fact that he just supported her, even though he realizes that if Ben lets her go, it’s going to be hard for her to come back from that, but he just sat and listened to her and only offered his blessing and support. Her mom believes that Ben is in love with her and that Caila should tell him how she feels. They kiss, but she still can’t say it. No wonder Ben’s fear is being unlovable, the only one to confess this emotion is the Batshit Crazy Olivia.

All does not start out great in Dallas with Jojo. She arrives to her place (I assume) to a vase filled with roses and a love letter. Thinking this is some proclamation from Ben, she quickly realizes that it’s from her ex. This realization sets her off, she calls him, he professes his love for her, then Ben shows up. She is honest with Ben about the roses and letter, and reassures him that the ex is not in the picture. All that gets settled, so it’s time to meet the ‘rents. This family was super excited to see Jojo, almost staged. But hell, what do I know, my brothers have NEVER been that excited to see me. There’s 2 brothers, 1 sister, and a mom and dad. They have a really good conversation over dinner, the right questions get asked, even the uncomfortable topic of “will you stay in Denver?”, Ben handled it well, kept it just evasive enough. We knew from the preview how protective Jojo’s brothers were, well, they live up to it. The brothers grill Ben hard, one of the brothers actually says “we love her indefinitely”, I think he meant unconditionally, but whatever. When the brothers talk to Jojo, they come full force. “We care about you”, “We don’t want to see you get hurt” “Stay guarded”. Their perception is. . .Jojo is more invested in the saga of “Ben and Jojo sitting in a tree” than Ben is. Shit gets real when mom swigs the alcohol straight from the bottle. The brothers (I keep saying that, but trust, they are a pair), try to understand the psychological effect that the process is having on their sister, they think that his answers are “coached”, the mom and dad are all aboard the Ben train, it’s the brothers who remain skeptical, this whole place is a hot mess (refer to the alcohol swigging). They may have believed that Ben was “coached”, but they seemed to be the fake ones. Almost, needing to come across as being the big, bad protectors, they are anything but. And, she introduced a sister, but we didn’t hear from her at all. She was probably sick and tired of trying to live up to Jojo, I feel you girl. The visit ends with them discussing “the brothers”, they share a kiss and a goodbye. 

BXTCH side commentary: What in the ever loving fuck is going on with these girls. They’re all “I’m afraid to fall” & “I’m afraid of getting hurt” & “I’m too scared to express my love”. WHAT? I would understand the fears more if they were coming from some shitty families. But by the look of it, everyone of them comes from a solid family unit. Everybody goes through break-ups, but for crying out loud, you girls are only in your 20’s, heartbreak is part of growth, stop with the “woe is me” act. It makes me want to punch you in the tit. Even if it isn’t Ben, and for 3 of you, it won’t be, you’re not all shriveled up and dried out, you’ll get your very own “Ben” one day. Lord, the beautiful people and their wall of problems. Come over to my world, I’ll show you what life is like for us mediocre folk. Totally different subject, but doesn’t Jojo’s dad looks like he could be Dr. Phil’s long lost brother and her mom has been to see the surgeon a bit too many times?

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Before the show, my prediction was Jojo, during the show, I switched to Caila, now were to the end of the episode and with next weeks previews and the confession of Ben being in love with 2 of the girls left dangling in the air, like a Ding Dong to a fat girl (don’t worry, it’s not an insult if the one saying it is fat as well), I’m thinking the final 2 will be. . .Lauren and Jojo, but I’m also thinking Jojo and Caila. What the hell, I can’t make up my fucking mind. . .man I need that Ding Dong.
The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

“I was like meant to meet Ben.”-Lolo

“I feel like Ben’s like, my person.”-Lolo

“I mean, Caila, a power tool, a hard hat, I never thought I would find a toy factory so sexy.”-Ben

Final Thoughts Tag
The brothers really pissed me off, as did everyone but Caila’s family. I got my reasons. Surely these families knew what these girls were getting themselves into when they signed up for this crazy train. And surely before the train left the station, these concerns were voiced. I understand the worry, but for them to get as far as the final 4, then have your family question intentions, is pretty shitty. I would rather if a parent was against the girl going on the show from the start, that the parent would express that to Ben. None of them did. Now, I get it, we all got crazies, I got more in my family than most, but most of the Ben grilling, seemed a bit scripted to me. The real moments, were the one-on-ones the girls had with their parents. 

I like Amanda, I think she’s super adorable (and we all know that is a top qualification to be liked), but I’m curious to know what would’ve happened if he did pick her. He goes from single to fiancee to husband to dad, with no proper break in between. And, these girls have a dad, so is it realistic to think that Amanda was going to up and move away from her family and the father of her children to live her life with Ben? I just think that the whole way it went down was, well, shitty. What does she tell Kinsley and Charlie now? Cameras invaded their little lives for a day, for what? Get it together, ABC. Ratings are one thing, but fucking around with the lives of kids is not cool.

I gotta say, the hometown date with Caila was the best, in my opinion anyway. However, all of the dates seemed a bit staged, I know they are, but isn’t the whole point to make it look real? Portland is called the City of Roses, but our Lolo had no idea where the roses even were. It seemed that Ben and Jojo went straight from her place and talk about the “I realized just how much I love you when you went off to find your true love on a reality show, please give me another chance” ex-boyfriend, to meeting the family, there was no date, and I’m from the Dallas area, there is a lot to do here. If you’re gonna do a hometown date, then let the girl set it up. Even if it’s dinner and a movie or a beer at the local hole in the wall bar. Lauren took him to a bar, but there was no one there. And if you really want to get the dirty on the girl or find out how someone feels about him, then Ben should’ve been meeting some friends. Family is one thing, but you know those BXTCHES got some BXTCHES who are all about keeping shit real and if they weren’t feeling it from Ben, then they would be telling their girl to bow out now, families are supportive because of unconditional love, friends are coming with the truth. And hell, some of these girls may not even live in the same city/state as their families, but if their BFF isn’t all about the BenLove, then she’s making sure her girl knows it. Could you imagine the issues if your “Christina” wasn’t down with your “McDreamy”?

To those of you at ABC, feel free to contact me about my future employment with this franchise, I’m full of ideas that’ll make your toes curl. Holla at a BXTCH.

Oh. . .and the show DID NOT live up to the previews. Those ABC bastards (it’s just for effect, still call a BXTCH) pieced together the good parts making you think something was going down that wasn’t. Man, got me feeling like a chair was going to go flying and Steve Wilkos was going to be stopping by. Thank you ABC, that was almost as bad as not reaching your happy ending.Sign off TagRemember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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Episode Seven | 02.15.16

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, I must state the obvious. . .I have figured out that all of these episodes are 2 hours long. I know, right? It’s about time I jump on the “It’s about time you caught on, BXTCH” bandwagon. But, I really thought once the girls dwindled, so would the air time. Who knew? I guess we should do a quick re-cap of last weeks crazy, jaw-dropping episode. The Bahamas became a bit dirtier with the arrival of Ben and his girls. The group date involved feeding some pigs hot dogs, not pork, but chicken, so they weren’t actually eating themselves, so that’s that. . .Ben paid extra special time to Lauren B., which made for awkward times for the rest of the girls, so much so, Leah decided to play a bit of sabotage, but in the end, Ben sent her packing. And in the round of Emily vs. Olivia, Emily came out on top. The Rose Ceremony sent Lauren H. home, so the end of that episode left:  Amanda, Jojo, Becca, Emily, Caila, and Lauren B. fighting for the role of Mrs. Higgins.

Tonight’s episode takes us to Warsaw, Indiana, which is Ben’s hometown. 

BXTCH side commentary: First, the show put him in a classic Chevy truck, which c’mon ABC, that was a bit cliche. Second, my dream is to move to the Pacific Northwest, but after seeing the town that is Warsaw, I totally get it, so maybe not so cliche after all. Well played ABC.

The episode kicks off with Ben visiting with his parents, giving a run down on the six remaining ladies. It’s interesting to hear him explain each one of the girls to his mom and dad. The two descriptions that caught my attention were of Jojo and Amanda. With Jojo, Ben said (and I quote) “Unbelievably beautiful. . .I’m more myself, I think around her, than anybody else here.” When he said that, talk about speaking volumes, it got turned way up with that statement. I always thought his attraction/compatibility with Lauren B. was more magnetic than he had with any of the others, but he shut that thought right up when he said that. When he tells his parents about Amanda and the fact that she has two children, his mother asks: “Is that something you’d ever even. . .? He responds with: “I haven’t thought about it really”. Now, I’m all about Team Ben, but is that a fair thing to say? Amanda told him about her kiddos long ago, but you haven’t given it any thought? I’m just gonna let that sit right there.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE #1: Lauren is first up and I think it’s mainly because of the Bahama episode and Leah trying to convince Ben that Lauren wasn’t really the same around him and it left both of them with a bad taste. Ben personally asked Lauren out, and it was in front of the ladies, it was almost like a Jimmy Kimmel episode when the parents fake out the kids by telling them they ate the Halloween candy. . .that’s what the girls looked like when he said Lauren’s name. The date kicks off with Ben taking Lauren around the city, he shows her important personal landmarks, but the highlight of the date is when Ben takes her to the youth club where he volunteered working with kids. It was actually really cool, the kids were on cloud nine and Lauren seemed to really fit in and by the end, the youth club was definitely on Team Lauren, even going as far as to predict that Ben would be picking Lauren as his bride. Ben surprised the kids with a visit from Paul George and George Hill and really blew their minds, and once two NBA players show up, the kiddos at that point were probably saying, Ben who? The nightside of the date brings them to Ben’s place, now I’m not sure if it’s his temporary place or his actual home, but that aside, Lauren brings up the Leah situation again (although she still has no idea it was Leah who brought this to Ben), here’s the thing. . .aren’t we beating this horse to death, let it go. Ben obviously didn’t fall for it, he did send the bitch packing, but Lauren did what all us girls do, self doubt. . .“OMG does he like me? Did he believe her?” (she didn’t actually say those things, that’s me improvising for you, you’re welcome). He then takes her to his favorite bar, she meets some of his friends, at least I hope they were, all they did was a cheers to Lauren, they could’ve been complete strangers for all I know, but it did look good for T.V. Now, while Ben and Lauren are standing on the balcony, in matching leather jackets, nibbling a bit on one another, this dirty BXTCH couldn’t help but notice. . .some bulk sitting close to Ben’s zipper. Now, realistically, I realize it probably wasn’t his fun toy, but perhaps some keys, but someone standing behind the cameras could have done him a solid by suggesting that he move the item to his jacket pocket, unless. . .it was actually his fun toy and while moving that to his jacket pocket would’ve been a fun trick, it is most likely impossible. But, I seriously have my T.V. paused on that scene as I type this and if it is his “little Ben”, then I expect an awkward conversation is in his future, because it seems to be an odd shape, oh mercy me, he is just too damn good looking, so I’m gonna roll with. . .the fun toy is perfect, it’s just not laying right.

BXTCH side commentary: Is it weird that the girls left at home, not only sit and wonder what it is that Ben and his date are doing, but they sit around constantly talking about it. Is it not a big enough blow to your self-esteem to have to actually think about your boyfriend on a date with his other girlfriend? And for fuck’s sake, if you are actually sitting around wondering “what the shit”, can you at least act like normal females and shove your face with some Ben and Jerry’s while doing it. It will help us other mortals sitting at home in our ratty pajamas feel a tad better, because I guarantee you, we are in front of the T.V. shoving our faces with some dairy goodness while we watch your drama unfold. Man, the things we do for you ladies.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE #2: Jojo gets lucky and gets herself a trip to Chicago and not just Chicago, but Wrigley Field. Like the date was actually on the field, complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. They get some batting practice, they run some bases, loads of fun. I do think he is really invested in getting to know Jojo better. He’s wanting her to open up a bit and show him more of an unguarded Jojo. During the date, Ben is speaking (during his confessional) about how his relationship with Jojo has grown from just an attraction to something deeper. He even admits that she loves the qualities of him, that make him who he is more than anything else. I’m just gonna throw this out there, but for him to even mention that, tells me that he isn’t getting that from anyone else (you may want to hold onto that jersey girl). He really is just wanting to dig more into the soul of Jojo and understand the root of her trust issues. The evening date has them enjoying dinner (one that they don’t eat, just drink) right smack dab in center field (so cool). They have a very comfortable and successful conversation. There’s a lot of talk about fear and being scared and running. . .oh, the problems of the beautiful people. Jojo feels that she has always loved more than she has gotten in return and while she’ll admit that she cares about Ben, I have yet to hear her utter those three words that seem to fly from the lips of others. And, if you remember several episodes ago, Jojo told Olivia that she isn’t about to express feelings to someone if she is not positive that they’re going to reciprocate those same feelings, so while she is willing to fall in love with Ben, she needs him to trust her process and not really give up on her, move over Dr. Phil, this BXTCH is ready to diagnose. On a side note, Ben and Jojo did make out on home plate (insert all the puns you can here) and she did enjoy some ass grabbing, I’m quite certain his “keys” made another appearance.

More BXTCH side commentary: Let’s discuss the jersey’s (well at least Jojo’s). . .that had to be a dude’s idea. What woman in her right mind would think it was okay to inscribe “Mrs. Higgins” on the back of a jersey that a female is going to wear? That idea has confusion and promises and hope and heartache written all over it, it just says “Mrs. Higgins” instead. Also, I want to suggest to ABC the following. . .it seems that the lot of the “contestants” on this show have had some issues in the dating world (I’m not lovable, I don’t trust well, I’m not good enough, any self loathing adjective would work), it also seems that the majority of these individuals are pretty hot, so I propose that one episode be devoted to interviews with all of the exes. This would be a thank you gift really, to us peons who sit at home and wonder why in the fuck my husband hasn’t taken me to dinner on center field, not any center field, not even the little league center field, sorry, back to my point. I need to know what is fundamentally wrong in some of these relationships, think of it as therapy for us average looking folks. I promise, it would be a huge hit.

The group date this week is really just a three-on-one and it includes: Caila/Becca/Amanda. These girls are about as excited as any girl going on a date with their boyfriend and his two other girlfriends would be. I’m starting to think Ben isn’t very good at the group thing. Last week was the pigs and this week is some paddling on the lake, but he’s in a boat with Caila, leaving Becca and Amanda all alone trying to paddle the boat. It was weird because there was no point to the paddling, it was awkward, then it was over, but then they flew some kites, it was all very weird, an intern or a 15 year old must’ve planned it. It then turned to Ben somewhat dropping a bomb. . .there is going to be a rose during this date and the girl lucky enough to get the petals, will also be lucky enough to continue on in the date, while the other two have to return to the house (not eliminated, just done for the date). Obviously, this truth stresses these girls the fuck out, holy crap, I’m surprised they didn’t vomit, because the rose guarantees that Ben will meet that particular persons family. Once he sits down with each girl, he really gets a feel for where he is at with each of them. Amanda talks about how she’s feeling about possibly introducing Ben to her girls. Becca expresses to Ben how much she likes Ben, which confuses him because she’s been so stand offish, she does ask him to not blindside her, I guess she’s not feeling particularly safe. Caila’s conversation really centers around how she loves that he has roots and she really doesn’t. She’s okay with moving around or planting herself somewhere. But in the end Amanda wins out and is rewarded with the rose and a date. Becca and Caila were pretty upset with not being chosen, but I really think the reason Amanda was chosen was because he wanted to give her some piece of mind, allowing her to really prepare to introduce him to her kids.

Even more BXTCH side commentary: Sorry for all the extra commentary, but mylanta, these girls are wearing a BXTCH down. Caila and Becca are reasons why I need to see interviews with the exes. I understand being upset over not being chosen for the rose. But, these girls are taking that one small action and turning it into “Ben doesn’t love me, he’s not ever going to love me, he must think I’m hideous, I knew I should’ve parted my hair on the other side” (okay, again, not their words, but you certainly get the point). Caila actually believes that her lack of roots could be what sends her home. Hmmm. . .does she really think Ben is so shallow? If so, she should be walking out the door on her own volition and not wait for Ben to do the dirty work. Becca is just to the point of “what more can I do?”, it’s almost as if they’re thinking if they would’ve thrown themselves at Ben more, it would’ve made all the difference. Here’s what I say to that: Girl, you do you. If it’s not good enough, then fuck him, don’t become someone you can’t look at in the mirror. Don’t let some guy (hot or not) determine your self-worth, stop asking “what else could I have done?”, because the answer to that is NOTHING. You did you, take a bow, it was beautiful. Pick your jaws up BXTCHES, that’s right, I can get deep. 

His date with Amanda was actually pretty fantastic and the kind of date this BXTCH could get behind because it was at (wait for it) . . . McDonalds. Okay, my standards are a bit higher than that, but I like the normalcy dinner at McDonalds brought AND we got to witness them actually putting food into their mouths (ABOUT TIME!),  them working the drive-thru was a bit strange, I’m a play place kind of chick, but to each his own. They also get their own carnival. It was crazy crowded with lots of cameras out, but they seemed to have a great time. Unfortunately, Ben would’ve cut my sorry ass loose, because I cannot get on any ride that can be set up and taken back down in less than a week, also, I would’ve most certainly thrown up all over him, so fun times. 

One-on-One #3: The hopeless romantic in me was super excited when Ben decided to take Emily to meet the parents. The realistic BXTCH in me should have seen it for what it was. . .a test. I love Emily, she’s probably my favorite, however, I knew she was doomed almost from the beginning of the date. She meets the parentals and almost immediately, Ben’s mom pulls her away and Emily talks non-stop, the kind you do when you are super nervous. This probably wouldn’t have been a bad thing, until she tells his mom that she has yet to live her dreams and there is so much more she is wanting to get from life. As a mom, this is certainly translated as someone who isn’t really ready to be tied down. She was super cute and likable, I just think his mom realizes that Emily is young and still needs to live in order to find herself. Once back at the girls’ house, Ben tells her that he just doesn’t see her being his wife. If it’s any consolation to the Team Emily fans out there, Ben was really upset about having to let her go. She’s a better person than I am, because as soon as Ben started his sentence with “I just don’t”, I would’ve said my good-byes. But, I’m old and jaded, things are different when you’re young and possibilities are endless.

The Rose Ceremony was very somber and almost sad. I guess when the number of girls left is a small number, there really is no celebration. With Amanda having a rose and Emily already gone, there are only three roses to give out and four girls vying. Even though she asked to not be blind sided, Ben said good-bye to Becca and when she calls him out (privately) for not following her request, he says he didn’t even know until it happened. I’m staring to think therapy is going to be in Ben’s future, because this process is starting to become extremely emotional for him.
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With Emily out of the running, I need to re-predict who the final two will be. After his very successful date with Jojo, I’m pretty sure she will be one of the two, I’m still gonna stick with Lauren, I feel that she has had this connection with him from the beginning and I think that the connection may take her into one of the final ones standing. However, after seeing the preview for next week, my prediction may be changing once again. 

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

“I know I’m not in love with Ben the Bachelor, I’m in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana” -Lauren 

“Playing one-on-one with Ben is so fun.” -Lauren 

“I’m more of myself around Jojo than any other woman in my life.”-Ben

Final Thoughts Tag
While Olivia’s jaw comes unhinged when she opens her mouth, Lauren is the opposite. It’s almost as if she has no circumference where her mouth is concerned, not sure that bodes well for Ben’s “keys”. Also, her lips seem to be in a constant pucker, almost as if she is always in the middle of a duck face, waiting for a selfie.

Becca, you may be holding on to your V-card a bit longer than you wanted, it’s okay girl, you have the makings of the next Bachelorette and what a story that will be. Hey, third time could be the charm.

I’m all for alcohol coming into play and having a good time with it. But, Lord Almighty, this is getting cray cray. Every time a date happens, alcohol is the star. Surely they don’t need that much loosening up, right?

Again, isn’t it weird that Emily gets broken up with, but the other girls cry? It’s like their saying “I’m so sorry my boyfriend broke up with you”. I know she’s your friend and very lovable, hell, I was sad. But wouldn’t you rather it come down to you and someone you really don’t like. I don’t want to imagine by boyfriend in the fantasy suite with my BFF. 

How pissed do we think Olivia is? She loses out to Emily, just for Emily to be sent home the following week. You know that BXTCH thought that Ben was her spirit animal and really wanted to “put a ring on it”, her jaw had to hit the floor when she found out that Emily only outlasted her by a week. Can’t wait for the Tell All.

So, as cynical as I was and still somewhat am, regarding the true intention of this show, I will say that after watching The Bachelor special last night (Valentine’s Day), I was pleasantly surprised at how many couples are married/still together from this show and you may be convincing this BXTCH after all.Sign off Tag

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL. 

 

 

 

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Episode Six | 02.08.16

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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: As clever as this BXTCH is, I can tell you NOW that I am going to have a really difficult time putting into words the fabulousness that was this episode. Remember, last week ended on a . . .cliffhanger (AAHH!), so there is no re-cap on who went home, because episode 5 ended before Ben could shove someone out the door. But hang on, this episode is going to sling shot a BXTCH all over the place. Let’s get started!

Well, we have to pick up with the Rose Ceremony that should’ve been last week. Before dolling out any petals, Ben takes Olivia to the side to question her about the issues that some of the other girls have brought to his attention. Olivia needs to move her crazy ass to Hollywood, because she can fake it with the best of porn stars. She admits to the girls having issues with her, but according to her, it’s because she has received 2 roses so far and she doesn’t like to sit around and paint nails and do hair. She likes to sit in her room and read and be intellectual (who knew?). She turns on the tears and Ben falls for it. So, instead of Olivia packing her shit, Jennifer gets the goodbye instead. But instead of the girl thanking Ben, he actually says “thank you” for once. 

Now, it’s off to the Bahamas, BXTCHES! And the girls are informed almost immediately that this week, there will be a: one-on-one date; group date; two-on-one date.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: Caila’s number is called once again and Leah is PISSED! If you remember, Caila was given the very first one-on-one, so it stands to reason that some girls should be pissed, mainly the ones who haven’t had the opportunity to have their very own make out sessions with him yet. But, Ben felt that since their first date had Ice Cube and Kevin Hart tagging along, he wanted some sincere one-on-one time with her. For their date, Ben takes Caila deep sea fishing. It starts with some alcohol consumption (as always) and some awkward making out, with each other and a really big ass fish. The night side of their date turns sober really quick when Ben tries to dig deep into Caila’s serious side and tries to learn who the girl is “behind the smile”. Caila has a very bubbly personality and Ben needs to dig deep to find out how she reacts to life when it doesn’t necessarily go her way. The conversation was all very peculiar to me. In a nutshell, Caila did feel like Ben was putting her on the spot and maybe pressuring her to be a bit vulnerable, but then she blows that whole idea out of the water when she confesses that she loves him (well, she feels like she loves him). That’s about as vulnerable as one can get, but whatever, it put a goofy ass smile on his face, so it must’ve been what he wanted to hear. Get ready, because she then confesses her greatest fear. . .“I can’t totally, completely, fall in love with somebody” 

BXTCH side commentary: If I wasn’t already losing my hair in some spots, I would totally pull that shit out. Is there some sort of box on these applications that require the beautiful ones to have emotional hang-ups? Look, we all have them, I am aware of this. But really, all of these bitches have some sort of emotional “defect” that just so happens to coincide with Ben’s? A new twist to this show should be having Dr. Phil on at the end of every episode, he would be in fuck-up heaven. 

Back to the date. So, basically, Caila is afraid that falling in love with Ben would lead to her eventually hurting him. Not really the selling point that I would push, but what do I know, it’s a good thing they went deep sea fishing, because he falls for it. . .hook, line, and sinker. It did seem that she did some back pedaling when he really pushed her to explain herself (if she feels like she going to hurt him, then is he the right person for her?), she rambled on about how her mind and heart are thinking different things. Again, she cast her reel, and he took the bait. However, I like Caila, so I’m gonna roll with it. Oh, and she got herself a rose.

The group date this week: Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H., Leah. So, by process of elimination, that should tell you that the two-on-one date is going to be. . .Olivia vs. Emily, which is how I would’ve written it, so kudos to the production team. Back to the group date. This was the weirdest date. They take a boat ride, almost a booze cruise if you will. They encounter an island with loads of pigs that they are going to feed hotdogs to. The best line was from Leah. . .“We’re gonna feed the pigs, pig?”. It was chicken hotdogs, so no cannibalism. It didn’t turn out as cute as I think Ben wanted. These were some very eager and aggressive pigs. After that excitement died down, it got very bumbly. Ben once again is drawn to Lauren B. and that doesn’t sit well with the rest of the girls, not in a catty, “I wanna claw her eyes out” way, it just caused a lot of the girls to become very stand-offish. He pulls Jojo aside and tries to pick her brain a bit, I’m just not sure it helped, but Jojo was very forthcoming. Leah is also having a really hard time. My issue is I don’t really remember her spending a ton of time (tongue or otherwise) with Ben, so I can’t understand how she has developed feelings so deep for him, that she is getting so emotional over her lack of “BenTime”, but the bitch does have some pretty fantastic eyebrows (just trying to find the positives). Things are just getting started, because the cocktail party uncovered a side of Leah that shocked the bun right out of my hair. She pulled out the ultimate bitch move. . .SABOTAGE. Leah is so threatened by Lauren B., that she decides to pull an Emily (except Leah decides to not be truthful) and tell Ben that Lauren B. isn’t really the sweet girl that Ben sees. Ben questions Lauren B. about it (without revealing his informant) and this sets off Lauren’s water works and doubt. When Lauren is telling this to the other girls, Leah denies it all. I gotta say that even if Leah’s allegations were true, I don’t think Ben would’ve been swayed. I think he is too into Lauren to be persuaded otherwise. Having said that, he does give the rose to Amanda (not Lauren), so there’s that.

Once the girls are back at the resort, things get really intriguing. Leah gets herself made up, short shorts and all and goes on an adventure to Ben’s room. Now, a woman with experience would’ve used that time to bond with Ben, make out a little (okay, a lot), allow Ben to get to really know them. Does Leah do any of these things? Oh no, she decides to throw Lauren B. under the bus, again. I’m not saying “slut it up”, but it’s okay to walk the very thin line between lady and hussie, leave Ben wanting more. But instead, Ben basically told her to get the fuck out and go home. Okay, not in those words, he was much nicer than I apparently am. But, she did get sent home and all I can say is I hope that the Tell All show is going to be a throw down when they realize what Leah’s true colors were.

BXTCH side commentary: This is to the production team of The Bachelor. It was obvious this was premeditated by all involved. Not just some whim that flew up Leah’s ass. Next time, can we at least make it look more spontaneous? It helps with my fantasy, especially if Ben were to just throw Leah up against the wall and devour her like he hasn’t eaten in months. . .sorry, I digress. But surely you get my point.

It’s now time for the main event, the moment we have all been waiting for. Olivia vs. Emily. I’m not sure why they call it a date, it was anything but. It should be called what it is. . .”The thinning of the herd”. All it was, was Ben talking to each of the girls individually and making a decision (I’m sure there was more to it, but that’s all I got from it). Olivia knows from the get go, that Ben is almost ready to drop to a knee, and pledge his undying love to his betrothed and they will become one and he will never even remember the girls that came before her. She is so confident, that she believes it is a brilliant idea to confess her love for him to him. She does say, while getting ready for the possible departure, that her and Ben have been writing their love story this entire time, what could go wrong? Here’s what we learned about Olivia during her one woman monologue: she keeps to herself, because the girls in the house are not really girls she would be friends with normally; she’s an introvert; she is very grounded and in tune with her body (after seeing her dance in Vegas, I strongly disagree with that notion); she knows that she is intimidating. Here’s the thing, I agree that she is intimidating, but other than that, I’m not too sure who the girl is that she is describing, because it sure as shit ain’t her. Ben is very receptive to her confessions, so much so, that she claims to be “so in love with him” after their conversation. Emily uses her time to tell Ben that she is all in and really wants to be on this journey. Her conversation with Ben wasn’t long at all (or it was edited to appear that way), so when Ben picks up the rose and asks for Olivia to join him, my mouth almost opened as wide as Olivia’s. But that hot fucker only asked Olivia to join him so he could let her know that while she may be in love with him, he does not feel the same way. That’s right BXTCHES, the crazy train has left the station, Olivia is gone. Actually she was left standing on a small little beach/island.
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I really don’t think that the Bahamas went the way Ben intended. So much so, that he decided to forego the cocktail party and just get to the Rose Ceremony. It is certainly starting to get super emotional for some of these girls, which I’m not too sure how I feel about it. Part of me feels for them, another part doesn’t really buy the feelings that these girls are trying to sell, but even I’m all twisted up inside. Since Ben got down to it, so will I. Lauren H. went home. I wasn’t really shocked about that, because I didn’t think his connection with her was as strong as it is with the other girls.

As you know, I’m trying to be open minded and level headed where this show is concerned. I am quite cynical with the idea of going on to a show to find your ever after, your last, first kiss. Never say never, but while this show may be about love for a select few, it’s about ratings first and foremost for ABC, which is why there are no unattractive contestants, nobody wants to watch ugly people fall in love. Having said that, I will say. . .I maybe think that Ben is invested in his long term. Either that or his acting skills are on par with Olivia’s. But it is a T.V. show, so in the spirit of the competition, I will use this time to predict that the final two will be. . .Lauren B. and Emily, with Amanda coming in a close third. Next week that may change, who knows, I’m sure Ben changed his mind more than once along the way.

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comThe gems that are coming out out of these mouths are becoming just too hard to pass up, so I decided not to.

“Come at me, bro.” -Olivia

“This two-on-one is honestly a lot of pressure, because I’m going on to fight, you know this battle for everyone who hates Olivia, just as much as I do” -Emily

“This is like a bar in Dallas, there’s just pigs everywhere.”-Jojo

Final Thoughts TagFirst, someone needs to be fired for picking the Bahamas as the best place to go on the road. That Bahamian weather was not fucking around. Really, some of these ladies needed to just bun it up and call it a day. Some hair serum and a brush would’ve went a long way. Also, extensions plus windy tropical weather, does not make for a beautiful time, I’m talking to you Lauren B. It was like a scene from the Friends Barbados episode, where Monica’s hair continued to grow and grow and grow.

Awkward enough, Leah only lives like 10 minutes from Ben (according to her), have fun with that Ben, because you know anytime you check in on Facebook, she will be just around the corner.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that every time the group date leaves, the girls left behind always tell them to “have a good date”? Do they really wish that? How does that help their odds? I guess you can say it’s admirable, but c’mon, us BXTCHES really know what’s going through their minds and it’s not, “I hope you kiss Ben so hard that his eyes roll into the back of his head and his dick is left with zipper imprints”.

Ben’s question tonights was. . .“How do you date this many women you have feelings for and keep everyone happy? Does anybody  know?” Well Ben, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? I could use this time to be witty and my usual sarcastic self, but I will go the other route and offer my infinite wisdom, go with it, it’s a rare gift. I gotta say, keep doing what you’re actually doing. Even though I have never watched the show before, I find it refreshing that you make the decision to end things when you’re not feeling it, even if it’s a girl that you really thought things would progress with. Obviously, this is a very unorthodox way to find your one and only, and even in the end, I think it’s gonna take more than some exotic dates and one-on-one times shared with multiple girls. But here’s the reality, only you know. You can only make happy the one who you truly belong to and you know who that is and I hope that whoever it is you picked, that as you’re watching back these episodes and see who this girl is when you’re not around, that you still feel that you made the right decision.

I feel like I need to address the one and only, Olivia. Girl, I’m gonna need for you to listen up. You seem pretty smart, you obviously finished school, so you have some sort of an education, so please hear me when I say. . .You gotta get it together. You’re beautiful, but you’re a bit too crazy, you need to tone that shit down. Guys enjoy a bit of jealousy and possessiveness when it comes to their woman, but not when it starts to stick to them. You were crossing into dangerous territory. The newness of a relationship should be spent really getting to know one another, not declaring to all who will listen, that you’re ready to walk down the aisle. I realize you were in special circumstances and that may drive one to do things they otherwise would never do, but you were on a T.V. show hoping to find your husband, that doesn’t bode well for your dating history. So, I can only conclude that you ride the crazy train a little too much during these relationships. You’re only 23, live it up, fuck around and have some fun. Your jaw almost comes unhinged when you open your mouth, trust a BXTCH when she says you’re a God send, take advantage of that perk, NOW!! Also, BXTCH to BXTCH, if you have a breath problem, get that shit under control. Nobody wants to thrust their tongue into the mouth of funk. You have a beautiful smile, your breath should reflect that. Good luck to you, fruitcake. I hope you find the right passenger to enjoy that train ride with. 

Sign off Tag

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL. 

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Okay, BXTCHES. Time to be honest. I have NEVER watched a season of The Bachelor. I know, I know, super shocking! There really isn’t any rhyme or reason behind this, I just never really got in to it. 

So, I’m sure you’re asking, “Why now, BXTCH? We’re already like, 100 seasons in.” Well, The Bachelor was one of my mother’s favorite shows. She would always ask “Did you see the new episode of The Bachelor last night?” and every time, I would have to explain to her that I didn’t watch that show, but that didn’t stop her from asking every week, I think it was a bit of wishful thinking on her part.

Since my mom is no longer with us, I thought it would be a splendid idea to pay homage to my awesome one who gave me life and I happen to be her namesake, so why not watch the show in her honor? I know, I’m an phenomenal daughter, you don’t have to say it, it’s just understood, ask my siblings.

I will go ahead and admit the following:

  • I can be a bit cynical, so beware.
  • I’ve never been a fan of the show, but I am going to try to go into this with an open mind.
  • I haven’t been living under a rock, I do understand the basics of how the show works.

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So, without further ado, let’s do this BXTCHES!!

Sign off TagRemember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.

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