BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I must admit, my heart was a bit crushed when Ben sent Emily packing last week, while I understood his thought process and maybe, just maybe, agreed with it, it was still sad to see the Professional Twin go. Becca was the other one denied eternal marital bliss with Ben, though this one didn’t come as much of a surprise to this BXTCH. Tonight we are getting to the good stuff. . .28 ladies have been dwindled down and only 4 remain for the chance to claim their ever after. Jojo, Lauren B., Amanda, and Caila are still standing and shit is going down because these BXTCHES are taking Ben home to meet the fam. And if the previews are anything to go by, Jerry Springer ain’t got nothin’ on The Bachelor.
First up. . .Amanda and Laguna Beach. Ben meets up with Amanda at the, well, beach. She is waiting to introduce Ben to her girls, but his first meet is also her first time to see her little ones since this whole experience began, which I thought was a wee bit strange. I understand that this is TV and it’s all about the ratings. . .yada, yada, yada. However, in my professional opinion (which isn’t professional at all, just highly opinionated), I feel that the initial introduction to Amanda’s kids should’ve been done off camera. It was a bit overwhelming for the girls, especially the little one, who seemed unsure of what in the hell was happening. Now, Ben was really good with the girls, but a playdate does not equal real life and once they leave the beach, reality sets in real quick. Nothing like a crying baby to give you a glimpse into parenthood. Ben gets to meet Amanda’s mom, dad, and sister. The first member of Amanda’s family to swoop Ben away for some one-on-one talk is the momma. She comes right out and wants to know how Ben feels about taking on parental responsibility. I got the impression that Ben may have been saying the right things, but was very uncomfortable talking about a future as “dad”. Now, when Amanda and her mom take some alone time to chat, we actually got to see a side previously unseen. She breaks down and talks about how embarrassed she was by her divorce and how much she longs for familial normalcy. And while I like Amanda, I’m not feeling that Amanda + Ben = Forever. I think her feelings for him are certainly real, but I also think she had desires that Ben was going to immediately step in to be the “insta”dad. Score one for Grandpa, because Amanda’s dad really lays it out for him. Wanting kids and instantly having kids are two different things and life isn’t always easy when kids are involved. Unfortunately, Amanda went into this week thinking she was in love with Ben, but ends the visit knowing she is in love with him and I’m not too sure he is anywhere near being on the same page.
BXTCH side commentary: I think that Amanda is gorgeous, however, someone in the wardrobe department could’ve given the chica a heads up. The top she was sporting was cute, but not “let me run down the beach and jump in your arms” appropriate. She almost lost control of the “girls” several times. Her kids, adorable as fuck, but for the love of bikinis and Coppertone, who in the world decided to put gladiator sandals on these cutie patooties? Never mind the fact that someone dressed two different girls that are two different ages, with two different personalities, identical, they went and put them in sandals that buckle or some shit, all the way up to their knees. And what does Amanda say is their favorite thing to do? They love it when you chase them. Who in the fuck can run in those sandals? And back to dressing identical, can we please stop that fucking trend? Amanda wasn’t dressed like her sister, why does Kinsley and Charlie (fantastic names by the way) have to match one another? From the pigtails to the motherfuckin’ shoes. Jesus, we need an social movement on this BXTCHES!
Lauren B. is up next. And Portland is put in the spotlight. Though I’m sure I can stop with the Lauren “B”, she is the only Lauren left. We’ll see if I can get that to stick. When Lauren (hey lookie there, so far so good) meets up with Ben in Portland, she takes him to a “food truck row” of sorts. We also get to see a “Keep Portland Weird” sign and c’mon Portland, it’s fact that they were Keeping Austin Weird first, get a bit more creative please. They share some delicious looking food, Ben feeds her a grilled cheese while mimicking a flight attendant, it was as awkward looking as it sounds, trust. She then takes Ben to a whiskey library or as Lauren says “libary” (for real), but it did look super cool, even though there was not another soul in sight. I think that Ben and Lauren are comfortable with one another, it just seems that they were trying to come up with conversation instead of just allowing it to flow. And this is one of my issues with this whole idea of “reality love” (see my brilliant side commentary). Lauren is desperate to confess her love for Ben, but she is really needing an endorsement from her family. Even going as far to say that if her family doesn’t approve, then she would have to walk away. The first thing we get from her family is her sister (Mollie) posing the following question to them: “Like if I brought someone home, after knowing him for a month, and you guys have never met him, you would have some concerns” No worries, Ben and Lauren weren’t present for that dinger of a question, though it’s a legitimate worry. We learn Lauren is Lolo, they seen to have a really tight unit and it shows when Mollie takes him away and wants the low down on everything. She wants to know how genuine he is, is he saying the same things to every family he visits, but he hits her smack dab in the weak spot, that brilliant mess of a man, goes and. . .sheds some tears, and that’s all it takes for Mollie to fold like a cheap suit and jump right on the Ben bandwagon. However, she drops a bomb when her and Lauren are having some quality sister bonding time. She mentions that it hasn’t been that long since Lolo’s been out of a relationship and Lauren confirms this by saying that it’s been less than a year since her last relationship ended. Did I miss this in a previous episode? I’m starting to wonder if some of these ladies ended relationships for the sole purpose of trying to make it onto the show. I know, that’s crazy talk, but. . .they knew Ben was going to be the Bachelor, so is it really that far fetched? Just a lingering thought. Ben knows what to say to the daddy-o, but dad wants to know how Ben can be so sure about his Lolo after such a short amount of time. Lauren’s dad really lays it out for her, when he reminds her that Ben is having the same visits with three other ladies and I think it’s this question mark from her dad that has her holding back on confessing her love for him. She sends him off into the night with just a kiss and “see you soon”.
BXTCH side commentary: Is it impossible to sit and try to find out more about the other person? Ben says to Lauren while they are in the whiskey library, that he is so glad he’s there and he really thought that she was missing home so much that she was going to want to leave. He’s certainly not watching the same show we are. Now, in the meantime, in her “street interview”, Lauren confesses that she could sit in a room and not speak a word with Ben and she would feel more content and fulfilled than anything she has done in her entire life. They are obviously not reading from the same page, but. . .back up BXTCH, seriously? You’ve known this dude for all of what? A month? Six weeks? I think a little life reflection is in order. Now, back to my point. Conversation shouldn’t be forced. Get to really know one another. I’m not asking you to discuss how you prefer to have your puss devoured, but you could start off with “tell me about your friends” OR “what’s your favorite thing to do in Denver?” OR “what kind of teenager were you?” OR “I’m about to meet your family, I know you adore your dad, tell me more about them and what I can expect”, geesh, it’s like I have to write the script for you people!! Also, Lauren’s sister looks like she belongs more in Olivia’s bloodline than Lauren’s. And I hate to beat the small mouth horse, but what in the fuck is with the constant “I just sucked on a lemon” face? Is this what too many duck face selfies do to you? On a totally different note: I really want to see Lauren’s hair without the extensions. Just me?
Hudson, Ohio is next on Ben’s journey and this is where we find Caila. Before Ben meets up with Caila, he talks about his relationship with her, and in that, reveals that his relationship with Caila is the deepest relationship at this point. I know, shocked me too. So, score one for you Caila fans. It starts on a positive because their towns are very similar. Small town America seems to define them both, surprisingly. Previously, Caila mentioned how she didn’t really have “roots”, we find out in this episode that she moved to Hudson as a teenager, but I’m sure it’s nice for her to now have a place to call home. She actually takes him on a date to her dad’s company, which happens to be a toy company. There they design and build their own home. He then carries her out of the factory, Richard Gere and Debra Winger style. While this was all quite cute, I’m wondering what will become of the house that Ben and Caila built, if he decides to drop her ass like a hot potato? Ben meets Caila’s dad, mom, and younger brother. Like Lauren, Caila knows she is in love with Ben, however she needs the validation of her family as well. You know the visit is going to go great, when Caila’s mom asks Ben is he knows any Filipino’s. They really bonded with Ben over dinner, which I think made Ben a bit more comfortable. Her mom takes Ben away first and she really just wants to know “why Caila?”. I think Ben does a really good job of describing his attraction to Caila and goes one further when he talks to her mom about Caila’s fear that she can’t fully fall in love. Her mom must give off that particular vibe, because Ben really lays his fears out there. Caila’s heart to heart with her dad was very moving, even more moving was the fact that he just supported her, even though he realizes that if Ben lets her go, it’s going to be hard for her to come back from that, but he just sat and listened to her and only offered his blessing and support. Her mom believes that Ben is in love with her and that Caila should tell him how she feels. They kiss, but she still can’t say it. No wonder Ben’s fear is being unlovable, the only one to confess this emotion is the Batshit Crazy Olivia.
All does not start out great in Dallas with Jojo. She arrives to her place (I assume) to a vase filled with roses and a love letter. Thinking this is some proclamation from Ben, she quickly realizes that it’s from her ex. This realization sets her off, she calls him, he professes his love for her, then Ben shows up. She is honest with Ben about the roses and letter, and reassures him that the ex is not in the picture. All that gets settled, so it’s time to meet the ‘rents. This family was super excited to see Jojo, almost staged. But hell, what do I know, my brothers have NEVER been that excited to see me. There’s 2 brothers, 1 sister, and a mom and dad. They have a really good conversation over dinner, the right questions get asked, even the uncomfortable topic of “will you stay in Denver?”, Ben handled it well, kept it just evasive enough. We knew from the preview how protective Jojo’s brothers were, well, they live up to it. The brothers grill Ben hard, one of the brothers actually says “we love her indefinitely”, I think he meant unconditionally, but whatever. When the brothers talk to Jojo, they come full force. “We care about you”, “We don’t want to see you get hurt” “Stay guarded”. Their perception is. . .Jojo is more invested in the saga of “Ben and Jojo sitting in a tree” than Ben is. Shit gets real when mom swigs the alcohol straight from the bottle. The brothers (I keep saying that, but trust, they are a pair), try to understand the psychological effect that the process is having on their sister, they think that his answers are “coached”, the mom and dad are all aboard the Ben train, it’s the brothers who remain skeptical, this whole place is a hot mess (refer to the alcohol swigging). They may have believed that Ben was “coached”, but they seemed to be the fake ones. Almost, needing to come across as being the big, bad protectors, they are anything but. And, she introduced a sister, but we didn’t hear from her at all. She was probably sick and tired of trying to live up to Jojo, I feel you girl. The visit ends with them discussing “the brothers”, they share a kiss and a goodbye.
BXTCH side commentary: What in the ever loving fuck is going on with these girls. They’re all “I’m afraid to fall” & “I’m afraid of getting hurt” & “I’m too scared to express my love”. WHAT? I would understand the fears more if they were coming from some shitty families. But by the look of it, everyone of them comes from a solid family unit. Everybody goes through break-ups, but for crying out loud, you girls are only in your 20’s, heartbreak is part of growth, stop with the “woe is me” act. It makes me want to punch you in the tit. Even if it isn’t Ben, and for 3 of you, it won’t be, you’re not all shriveled up and dried out, you’ll get your very own “Ben” one day. Lord, the beautiful people and their wall of problems. Come over to my world, I’ll show you what life is like for us mediocre folk. Totally different subject, but doesn’t Jojo’s dad looks like he could be Dr. Phil’s long lost brother and her mom has been to see the surgeon a bit too many times?
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Before the show, my prediction was Jojo, during the show, I switched to Caila, now were to the end of the episode and with next weeks previews and the confession of Ben being in love with 2 of the girls left dangling in the air, like a Ding Dong to a fat girl (don’t worry, it’s not an insult if the one saying it is fat as well), I’m thinking the final 2 will be. . .Lauren and Jojo, but I’m also thinking Jojo and Caila. What the hell, I can’t make up my fucking mind. . .man I need that Ding Dong.
“I was like meant to meet Ben.”-Lolo
“I feel like Ben’s like, my person.”-Lolo
“I mean, Caila, a power tool, a hard hat, I never thought I would find a toy factory so sexy.”-Ben
The brothers really pissed me off, as did everyone but Caila’s family. I got my reasons. Surely these families knew what these girls were getting themselves into when they signed up for this crazy train. And surely before the train left the station, these concerns were voiced. I understand the worry, but for them to get as far as the final 4, then have your family question intentions, is pretty shitty. I would rather if a parent was against the girl going on the show from the start, that the parent would express that to Ben. None of them did. Now, I get it, we all got crazies, I got more in my family than most, but most of the Ben grilling, seemed a bit scripted to me. The real moments, were the one-on-ones the girls had with their parents.
I like Amanda, I think she’s super adorable (and we all know that is a top qualification to be liked), but I’m curious to know what would’ve happened if he did pick her. He goes from single to fiancee to husband to dad, with no proper break in between. And, these girls have a dad, so is it realistic to think that Amanda was going to up and move away from her family and the father of her children to live her life with Ben? I just think that the whole way it went down was, well, shitty. What does she tell Kinsley and Charlie now? Cameras invaded their little lives for a day, for what? Get it together, ABC. Ratings are one thing, but fucking around with the lives of kids is not cool.
I gotta say, the hometown date with Caila was the best, in my opinion anyway. However, all of the dates seemed a bit staged, I know they are, but isn’t the whole point to make it look real? Portland is called the City of Roses, but our Lolo had no idea where the roses even were. It seemed that Ben and Jojo went straight from her place and talk about the “I realized just how much I love you when you went off to find your true love on a reality show, please give me another chance” ex-boyfriend, to meeting the family, there was no date, and I’m from the Dallas area, there is a lot to do here. If you’re gonna do a hometown date, then let the girl set it up. Even if it’s dinner and a movie or a beer at the local hole in the wall bar. Lauren took him to a bar, but there was no one there. And if you really want to get the dirty on the girl or find out how someone feels about him, then Ben should’ve been meeting some friends. Family is one thing, but you know those BXTCHES got some BXTCHES who are all about keeping shit real and if they weren’t feeling it from Ben, then they would be telling their girl to bow out now, families are supportive because of unconditional love, friends are coming with the truth. And hell, some of these girls may not even live in the same city/state as their families, but if their BFF isn’t all about the BenLove, then she’s making sure her girl knows it. Could you imagine the issues if your “Christina” wasn’t down with your “McDreamy”?
To those of you at ABC, feel free to contact me about my future employment with this franchise, I’m full of ideas that’ll make your toes curl. Holla at a BXTCH.
Oh. . .and the show DID NOT live up to the previews. Those ABC bastards (it’s just for effect, still call a BXTCH) pieced together the good parts making you think something was going down that wasn’t. Man, got me feeling like a chair was going to go flying and Steve Wilkos was going to be stopping by. Thank you ABC, that was almost as bad as not reaching your happy ending.
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.
