BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I feel like I need to offer up some sort of disclosure and I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I’m gonna go ahead and vocalize once again. This is my first go at Nick. Now, I caught a bit of him on Paradise last summer, but that show was too much for my Bachelor innocence. I mean, my cherry was lost with Ben, so going from Ben/Jojo straight to Paradise was like losing your virginity and two hours later going right to anal. You gotta let the vajayjay get used to be intruded upon before you go back door. I needed a little more exposure to the mansion before I moved onto the island. I say this because I realize a lot of you BXTCHES out there have a bad taste in your mouth when it comes to Nick and from what I understand, he played the villain on his Bachelorette seasons. I haven’t seen that side yet. I can feel it a little, because the frustration is starting to bubble, BUT we are not at a rolling boil yet, so I’m still on the #ilikenick side. I guess we’ll see where it gets me in the end. As for tonight’s episode, it had moments where it was looking good, but it quickly began to resemble the shit that was scooped up last week and the shit all came down to Taylor and Corinne.
Last Week On. . .ABC is beginning to make a (very bad) habit of leaving us wondering “what the fuck?” and last week was no different when they hit us AGAIN with a “To Be Continued”. C’mon ABC, get it together, Jerry Springer never pulled that shit. But to catch you up, Corinne decided to pull Taylor outside to have a bit of a chat. Let me repeat that. . .CORINNE pulled Taylor outside, you’re gonna want that to swish around in your memory. To use a line from Corinne “I literally can’t even”, that’s about how I feel when the two of them sit down to hash it out. Summing it up: Taylor feels that Corinne lacks the emotional intelligence to be Mrs. Viall. Corinne questions whether or not emotional intelligence is even a real thing and believes that Taylor is calling her an idiot and reminds Taylor that she runs a multi-million dollar company. In my re-cap last week, I pointed out that the girls needed to be careful where Corinne is concerned, because if they don’t tip-toe around her broken glass, she is going to run to Nick and pull the bully card. Well, I hate to say I told you so but. . .
This Week On. . .Tonight will give us (1) one-on-one; (1) group date and (1) two-on-one. Now remember when a two-on-one is presented, it’s Nick and the two girls of his choosing, but in the end only one will survive.
Taylor and Corinne are still going at it and truth? It feels like this conversation has been going on for a fucking week. Thanks ABC, you could’ve ended it all last week, but no. . .someone needed to carry it forward. Unless those two BXTCHES are really going to fight it out and I’m good with either mud or jell-o, then you should have wrapped up the longest and not to mention most boring girl fight in the history of your show (well based on the one complete season I’ve seen). At this point, you can really tell that Taylor is fresh out of her master’s program and hasn’t really had the opportunity to establish much of a client base, because it’s about right here in the war of words where I wouldn’t be surprised if she whipped out a card, handed it to Corinne, and asked her to follow-up with her office next week. The only thing Corinne is hearing is “blah blah blah. . .emotional intelligence. . .blah blah blah. . .idiot” and I’m not even sure Taylor used the word “idiot”, it’s just what Corinne heard. The conversation (I use that term very loosely) quickly goes from Corinne’s emotional intelligence and Taylor calling her an idiot (but didn’t really) to Corinne calling Taylor a bitch for not being outgoing enough in the house. BXTCH side commentary: This is the worse kumbaya, campfire moment EVER. Lots of words are being said without actually saying anything and the mother in me wants to send them both to their room without their phones or nanny. But, if I were to psychoanalyze (thank you Raven) the situation, it seems that Corinne is trying to tweak Taylor in just the right spot, to see if she can cause her to lose control, if anything, just to confirm her claim of Taylor the Bully. There is a lot of “you’re not here for him” going around this marshmallow roast and I hate to play the villain (not really) but who the fuck cares if someone is there for the wrong reasons? Surely if that was the case, then you are now looking even better in the veil, right? I gotta agree with Rachel on this one, and no wonder, she is the adult of the group, just focus on you. Now, unfortunately for Taylor, she has already had her time with Nick, remember she interrupted Danielle L., and since Corinne has yet to talk (or suck) Nick’s ear off, he will get her side first. Once again, Corinne is well on her way to White Girl Wasted when she runs to daddy. . .ahem. . .Nick to tattle and tell him that Taylor is “not nice” and isn’t really there for the end game of being a bride. Nick rewards her courage with a kiss and encourages her to continue to show her maturity. I’m sorry BXTCHES, but we gotta stop the fucking bus right here. If my 36 year old boyfriend has to ever commend and then encourage me for being mature, then he’s not my boyfriend, he’s my dad. If the advice to the women is to just focus on their relationship with Nick, then the advice to Nick should also be to just focus on his relationship with the woman he is currently spotlighting and unless the problem they are having with each other directly involves Nick, then his words of wisdom should be “work it out yourself”. Soon they all gather in the barn, whilst freezing their nipples off, to find out who gets to move on to the next round. Ending the evening with smiles on their faces and shivers in their cooters are: Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor. That leaves Sarah and Astrid squeezing the peach all on their own. Remember, last week, Kristina got the group date rose and Danielle L. and Raven both received the roses on their one-on-one’s. Nick has now whittled it down to just 13. My top four is still alive and they are all off to New Orleans.
The ladies aren’t in the hotel long before Chris Harrison shows up to give them a rundown of the week. This is where they learn that someone will get a one-on-one, there will be a group date, and then two unlucky BXTCHES will be put together to fight it out to the bitter end or what is better known as the dreaded two-on-one. He leaves the first date card which will reveal the one-on-one date.
One-on-One Date: “Rachel, Where have you beignet all my life?” According to the clue, Nick is the mastermind behind those words. If that is the case, I now know why he is a single man. If not, then ABC you have done it again, Hallmark must be missing out on a hell of a gem. I’m sure whoever it is that’s working tirelessly to come up with these clues must be an animal in the bedroom. How hard would it be to say. . .“Rachel, it’s you and me girl. Meet me in Jackson Square and be sure to bring your appetite. Dress nice and cool because Louisiana weather can get hot and sticky.” There’s just enough innuendo in that message to have her mouth watering and her panties melting, geesh, do I gotta do everything? Just a reminder ABC, I am available. Back to the date. Rachel did receive the first impression rose and their connection has been pretty tight since then, so I’m glad she is up for the one-on-one, since we’ve only really seen them interact on group dates, so them spending the entire day with just one another, will put their chemistry in perspective. I gotta hand it to Nick, love him or hate him, this date is going really well. He even mentions in his confessional that his “chemistry with Rachel is probably the most explosive I (Nick) have at this point with any of the women.” They shop a little, kick back some oysters, visit Cafe du Monde and they even get to join a Second Line and I gotta say Nick had some moves, and if I’m being completely honest, that bodes well for him in the bedroom. #yougowhiteboy The best part of the date is when the girls hear the Second Line and decide to have look and whaddya know. . .they got to see Rachel and Nick jigging it up. While I picked Rachel to land in my final four, I didn’t pick her as the final one. I still stand by that, however, watching them in the streets of New Orleans, looked like you were watching a couple in love on vacation. That is how well they meshed. Everything about the date said “easy”, “comfortable”, “love” while also saying. . .“you better be ready to go all night”. Is it too early to start the campaign for Rachel to be the next Bachelorette? #itstimeABC
The nighttime dinner, that’s not actually dinner, continues the easy flow from the earlier part of the date. The conversation starts immediately with Rachel explaining to Nick about the Second Line, which then leads into Nick asking Rachel about her family and we learn that her parents are still married (30+ years) and that her dad is a Federal Judge (I don’t know if that’s supposed to be capitalized, just trying to be respectful). Where the exchange gets interesting is when Nick asks Rachel if he has to call her dad “sir”. Of course, he says he will regardless and her response is to just not call him Sam. What was compelling to me is the fact that he’s actually talking about meeting her parents. Something to stew over for sure. Anyhow, the discussion then turns to Nick’s insecurities and how the one issue that causes his self-doubt is the fact that he has already asked (two fathers) permission for their daughter’s hand in marriage and both times it ended in a heartbreaking experience for him. Vulnerability was on display, connections were deepened and Nick even expressed to Rachel that he was really into her. Needless to say, she not only received the rose, but the make out session that commenced after accepting the rose, almost had Rachel out of her seat and showing Nick just how Dallas girls ride a horse. I’m sure he rubbed a good one out later that evening, which had me wondering, do you think these ladies are packing some “incentives” in their luggage? I mean, c’mon. . .there is some pretty heated action happening above the waist that is inevitably causing some good times to be stirring below it.
Meanwhile at the mansion. . .All the girls are just sittin’ on pins and needles waiting for the arrival of the group date card AKA who will be stuck dueling it out to take a ride into the sunset. Really? Like those BXTCHES didn’t know that it was going to come down to Taylor and Corinne. I mean, HELL-O, did we forget about Olivia vs. Emily or Chad vs. Alex, they all had issues with one another. BXTCH side commentary: ABC certainly knows how to drum up the drama, but I was a little disappointed that Nick chose those two. First, it was just too obvious. Second, you’re pinning it down to a She Said vs. She Said and who will come out more believable. But, Nick, I shouldn’t have to remind you that you are a 36 year old man, who may be fine as fuck, but you should be old enough to not fall into a trap set by a 24 year old child on the cusp of becoming a woman. If you are already having to sort out a cat fight, send them both home. #aintnobodygottimeforthat So, if you’re someone who still has yet to clue in. . .everyone but Corinne and Taylor will be on the group date.
Group Date: “Till death do us part”. . .well if that’s not cryptic. This date will include: Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. The girls arrive at Houmas House, which turns out is a haunted plantation. . .so yeah, “death doing us part” seems about right. Upon arrival the girls run to greet Nick, with Josephine jumping (and maybe knocking the breathe out of him a little) into his arms. BXTCH side commentary: What is with the jumping in his arms all the time? Do you think that they discuss it prior to arrival and straws are drawn? I have never jumped into someone’s arms, where I am literally swept off of my feet. It could very well be that I have always been about three feet taller than any man I have been with, so it would be more appropriate, albeit very strange, if they were to actually jump into my arms. I get the excitement, but it just seems like they are sometimes striving for attention, inelegantly so. Their visit starts with an introduction to the house by none other than, Boo, who is a jack of all trades. Not only the caretaker, but the bartender. . .and while I could be enticed to take a tour, alcohol would certainly make it better and we all know that nothing is done on The Bachelor without liquid courage. Tonight it came in the form of a Mint Julep. Boo begins to tell the story of May, who was born in 1840 and died from yellow fever, at the tender age of eight. Unfortunately, she has been searching for her favorite doll and has yet to find it, hence the haunting. Just like a fucking kid. . .can’t find anything, even after searching for 170 years. I guarantee you that damn doll is going to be in the most obvious place. Trust a BXTCH, my kids lose shit all the time and all it takes is about a five minute hunt from me and VOILA it appears. If her mother was the one looking, that haunt would be done in no time. And I can say this, because during the tour, the creepy ass doll is laying right there on her bed. . .proof that kids don’t look for shit! After getting a tour of the plantation and a list of what to do and what not to do. . .they are all pretty freaked out. So, of course that leads them to a Ouija board, because when you’re scared as shit, why not try to conjure some spirits. I don’t know if I really believe in the power of the Ouija, but I wouldn’t recommend fucking with that. . .just in case. I’m a child of the 80’s, I remember the movie Witchboard and that freaked me out enough to keep my fingertips away from that planchette. #hellnaw While playing around with the devil, the lights start to flicker and the atmosphere changes. This would naturally draw one to set out and explore on their own or in this case, Nick taking two of the ladies (Raven and Whitney) with him, it’s as if they have never seen a horror movie before. They quickly discover that the doll is actually missing, not ever occuring to them that, that is how fuckers like Jason and Michael slice up your ass. The others are still at the Ouija and instead of asking the good questions, like “What is really in Corinne’s cheese pasta?”, they go for things like “Who is gonna get the date rose?”. They should’ve popped Witchboard into the DVD player, that would’ve scared them right out of that house and Jasmine would’ve been believing in May then.
Meanwhile at the mansion: It must be nice to live in Corinne’s bubble. We first find her sitting on the edge of the tub, in her bikini, while giving herself a facial. She then pops open the bubbly while enjoying a bubble bath. No one can tell me that she hasn’t brought along at least the Jackrabbit, that BXTCH has too much fun with herself, to leave any part unsatisfied. This brings her to dinner and a meal fit for a girl with a nanny. This fine feast included: Steak/potatoes/salad/mac n’ cheese/wings/dessert and not one bite was shared with Taylor. Who was having a Zen moment with candles and oils. The best part came when Rachel began to give advice. Why was it the best part? You gotta know Rachel was thinking that no matter what happens on the finale of Taylor vs. Corinne, neither of them have the connection with Nick that she does.
Back at the haunted mansion. The only brilliant thing about this date was it allowing Nick to get in some one on one time with each of the girls without being interrupted. Because apparently when you put a Ouija board on the floor and surround it with just the right women, there are better things to do than seek out your future baby daddy. I gotta say, that around the middle of the date, I was hoping that Jason Vorhees would show up and kick start the process of elimination. Oh, good and plenty. . .this date was just too fucking much. Some of these girls are really starting to grate on a BXTCHES nerves. Now, I like (or maybe liked) Danielle L., but when she sits down with Nick and gushes over him like he is Baby Jesus, “I literally can’t even”. She AGAIN tells him how she can see herself falling in love with him. And with the two sentences that she uses to convey this message, she used the work “like”, like 57 times. Why is it so hard to just. . .talk. I’ll help you along. “What do you do for a living?” OR “Do you cook?” OR “What is your go to, I need to sing at the top of my lungs, song?” OR “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?” OR “When you give head, do you like to gives the balls a little tickle or put em’ in your mouth and suck on em’ a bit?” Ask anything that will force you to learn more about the one you’re hoping to grow old with. Because the reality is at this point, you should be able to see yourself falling in love with him and if you can’t, bow out, it ain’t gonna happen. So again I ask #doyoutickleorsuck? Nick uses his time with Danielle M. to try and get closer to her and both of them confess (not to each other) that while their one-on-one was strong, they haven’t felt the closeness with one another since that date. Oh, my gracious. Our favorite Arkansawyer is up next and even though the words are flowing and conversation is good, she then goes and puts her Converse clad foot right into her southern made mouth. Yep, she did it. . .she slipped and told Nick that the moment she fell in love with him was when he sang “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid. Yes, you BXTCHES read that right. She said “FELL IN LOVE”, it is a good song though. Oh, Hoxie. I’m sure it was a slip of the tongue and girl, you did good when he tried to halt the discussion and you just kept on talking over him. When all else fails, keep talking, you may be able to fit both feet in your mouth. I guess Nick did rekindle whatever it was he had with Danielle M., because she is walking away with the rose. BXTCH side commentary: We have got to talk about this fuckin’ date. First, I think it became painfully clear that Nick is not in his element during a group date. To say he’s awkward would be kind. I don’t know if it’s because too many beautiful women at once give him hives, but adding in a haunted house, did not soothe things. It’s almost as if he tongue is tied, well when he’s not tying his tongue to one of the ladies. Of all the things that New Orleans has to offer. . .that was the best you guys could do? You could’ve taken a haunted tour around the city. That would’ve at least incorporated some cajun culture. You could have visited the St. Louis Cathedral, I’m sure some of those ladies would’ve done well with some confession time. Hell, you could have even just walked and soaked in everything that is New Orleans. But instead, y’alls asses are on a floor trying to get a Ouija board to tell you if Nick comes out of this thing engaged. What the fuck, ABC? Nick is already having a tough time trying to sell himself as a believable Bachelor, help a brother out. He took ten steps forward with Rachel, but about 112 steps backwards with that ridiculous date. And yes, it was very weird to watch.
Two-on-One: “Corinne and Taylor, meet me in the bayou.” What a clue. Let’s get on with this shitshow. The ladies take a ride through the swamp, because nothing says “please pick me to love forever” like hair that has been ridden hard by the Louisiana humidity. For the love of Monica Bing and Barbados, has anyone been to Louisiana, you’re clothes stick to you. Did we think a swamp was going to make it sexier? Regardless, that is where they meet up with Nick and once again, an escapee (this time Taylor) runs into Nick’s arms, while wrapping her legs around his waist. I’m quite certain, her and Corinne did not plan that out. They meet up with a voodoo priestess, who introduces them to a tarot card reader. What started out as a three way read, ended quickly because the energy was too tense, so that puts Taylor in the hot seat first and either this woman was that good at her gift or someone slipped her some notes prior. This convenience allowed Corinne to get first dibs at Nick. So, Corinne did what she seems to do really well. . .pussy blinded Nick (more on that later). She proceeds to tell Nick that she has been emotionally attacked by Taylor and that Taylor has called her stupid. She also tells Nick that Taylor is a different person with Nick than she is without him. When Nick gets his time with Taylor, he confronts the situation. Unfortunately, Taylor used the power of her brain and not her pussy when defending herself. . .and that was her downfall. Meanwhile, Corinne is busy asking the reader for a voodoo doll. When Taylor gets back to Corinne, she calls her out on her lies, but in the end, it was all worthless because Corinne winds up arm in arm with Nick and Taylor is left with the gators. . .or so we think. It’s when nighttime arrives and Nick and Corinne go out for their non-dinner, that Taylor decides she may be going home, but Nick needs to know the truth about Corinne. Between you and me. . .I don’t really think Nick cares whether or not Corinne is a liar, after all, it’s hard to lie when your mouth is full of dick and you’re trying to figure out if you should tickle or suck. If you’re beside yourself with anticipation with what happens next, well join the fucking club, because the one thing that ABC is consistent with is this “To Be Continued. . .” crap, so we’re stuck waiting till next week before we can witness Taylor channel Chad and hopefully show Corinne what “signs of intelligency”, really means. But I’m sure it’s just gonna be a lot of “I never said that” and “un huh” and “nanny nanny foo foo’s”, you know the stuff mature women discuss.
“My name’s Miss Louisiana. I like gators, grits, and a gooood time. Whoo!” -Alexis
“She’s a fake ass bitch.” -Corinne
“I want to eat you.” -Nick
“I did not sign up to be part of the Ghostbusters. If we see a ghost, I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus, is what I’m gonna do. I’m not puttin’ up with it” -Raven
“I’m intelligent in my own way. I’m people smart. It’s really sad that you can’t be, you know, other signs of intelligency. Is intelligency a word?” -Corinne
Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer
The ingredient that is responsible for the skin whitening aspect of cialis online best the plant is identified as glabridin. The pill increases blood circulation to the penile blood vessels is one of the riskiest Visit Your URL on line viagra side effects that one can have from taking Intagra. Impotence is a sex dysfunction in guys that happens when he is unable to obtain hardness or retain it for a acceptable sexual activity. levitra 50mg The MBTI classifies the person into a type defined by prescription de viagra Jung that is based on 4 bi-polar scales.
Corinne, 24, business owner
Danielle L.,27, small business owner
Danielle M.,31, neonatal nurse
Jaimi, 28, chef
Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer
Josephine, 24, registered nurse
Kristina, 24, dental hygienist
Rachel, 31, attorney
Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner
Vanessa, 29, special education teacher
Whitney, 25, pilates instructor
Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager
Sarah, 26, grade school teacher
Taylor, 23, mental health counselor
The best part about this episode was Rachel. The worse part? Everything else. I’m still not anti-Nick, even though after a little fun on Google, I did find out that he and Kaitlyn did a little mattress dancing at the end of a one-on-one date, evidently all instigated by her. I’m not quite sure yet how I feel about that. It’s not like they’re gathering around to have Bible study, so I feel like I shouldn’t be shocked. Actually, who am I kidding. If I was young enough, single enough, skinny enough, and gorgeous enough. . .I can’t say with honesty, that I would be the only one warming up my sheets.
It’s time to put this whole Taylor/Corinne debacle to bed. I’m sure there was a collective gasp across America when Nick handed that rose to Corinne. But, were we really shocked? I can’t say for sure that Taylor even had a shot to come out of this thing hand in hand with Nick. But, if she did, she fucked it up herself. I admire her for being so young and ambitious. The BXTCH has a master’s degree at 23 years old. But, I would ask her, as smart as you are, why are you seeking the ever after with a 36 year old? And I’m not giving the cold shoulder to Nick, #ageaintnothingbutanumber, but she seems to have an unlimitless road ahead of her, there is plenty of time for a husband and babies later. I can say this because it is apparent she is constantly in counselor mode. Her career means something to her. Let me talk straight to you for a minute, Taylor. You’ve analyzed everything from Corinne to the type of woman you are certain Nick wants. By doing this, you removed any spontaneity from the relationship you were trying to build. Now it’s time for me to put on my counselor hat. Girl, you are fighting some shit from your past. I reckon some true bitches were quite cruel to you, hence your issues with Corinne. If you ever want to have a man worship you (and you deserve no less), then you are going to have to stop allowing your past to dictate your future. You can’t take notes on love. You can’t even take notes on lust. You just gotta let it unfold the way it’s supposed to. Corinne always had the upper hand, because Nick is using his dick to guide him. I ain’t mad at him, if I had 15 hot as fuck men vying for whatever attention I could give, my puss would be like a beacon of light. I have no idea who it is Nick will get down on one knee for, but I know it won’t be a 23 year old, it won’t even be a 24 year old. Corinne is fun, Corinne is going to suck your dick under the table at a restaurant and will probably let you fuck her while your best friend looks on. While Corinne may scream adventure, she does not scream “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part”. Taylor. . .Nick was not ever going to be the man for you. Go get yours girl.
ABC, I need better. I don’t want to see Nick become hated (more than he already is) and that’s the road he’s headed down. Our mouths watered and our loins quivered when you dangled Luke as the next Bachelor and from what I understand, y’all kinda fucked him over. Make this season worth it. Right now, we are all having to turn away from the screen. I’m embarrassed for some of these girls. I get the ratings hunger and the need to make it all interesting, but I think y’all should sit down with Corinne and review Webster’s, because there is a misunderstanding of words all the way around. I’m okay with villains, but everybody needs the fantasy of the book boyfriend. We tune in so we can yell shit at our spouses like “Why didn’t you think of this on our first date?!” AND “I want a do-over!” We tune in because even though we know he can’t hear us, we’re gonna continue to scream our opinions at the screen, because we obviously know what’s best. We tune in because we’re fucking girls and even though we can be BXTCHES, deep down we still believe in fairy tales and happy endings. The puzzle pieces are there, it’s your job to make sure they fit together.
Dear Raquel, I would like to use this time and tell you that I hope Corinne isn’t a real live reference for your nanny abilities. Because while I’m sure you’re a very lovely person, if she is representative of your work, you may need to seek another career path.
One of the other best parts about the episode was the Enchanted Evening with Josh Gad and Luke Evans. It’s time to step up the game ABC.
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.
BXTCHES Be Sharing:
