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The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Eight Re-Cap | 07.17.17

By Merrie J | July 18, 2017 - 4:50 pm |July 18, 2017 The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Eight Re-Cap | 07.17.17

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Tonight is all about the hometown. We’ve come a long way since May 22 and now our girl has narrowed her choices down to FOUR guys. And don’t you feel like she’s your girl? Granted, this is only my second Bachelorette season, but Jojo left me with a bad taste (though I’m happy for her and Jordan), so I feel like Rachel is the real deal and everyone is rooting for her pull that lever and hit at the right time. Anyway, after watching tonight, this BXTCH is feeling a bit blue. It didn’t go the way we all planned for it to and even though my guy(s) are still standing, tonight’s goodbye hit me right in the feels. So brace yourselves BXTCHES, this one is not gonna be easy.

Last Week On: This was one of the first times that I got a bit frustrated with Rachel. Even though I didn’t think Adam and/or Matt would be standing as long as they did, I don’t think that they got a fair shake. But in the end, who really gives a fuck, because I may not have liked the process, the end result was still the same.

Tonight On: HOMETOWNS!!

First up is Eric. It’s no secret that I am not a fan of this guy and I cannot believe that he is still around. But, it ain’t my bed he’ll be coming home to, so who cares what I think. I feel that I need to give a bit of an Eric re-cap (please note that these facts are from the Meet the Cast post that I wrote back in May, so things may have changed):

He is 29 years old
From Baltimore, but now calls Los Angeles home.
According to his LinkedIn account, his current jobs include: Motivational Speaker, Difference Maker, Personal Trainer, Author, and CEO EBiggs Training.
Graduated in 2010 from Hampton University.
He has a Facebook account, but it shows absolutely no posts, and there are 215 people following him, who I imagine are sitting around checking their phone, anxiously awaiting what sort of uplifting message will start their day and continue to be disappointed. His Twitter account is a bit more impressive with 421 followers and 5000+ tweets, but his account is set to private, so we’ll have to get motivated through another source. Maybe Instagram (3800 followers), but you could turn to visual motivation and check out his YouTube account, he is only sitting at 110 subscribers, so he could use a bit of a boost.
He is also a published author

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Eric’s first (and only) one-on-one date with Rachel was during episode six, this is where we also learn about Eric’s inability to love because he never really received the love he was craving from his mother. Now, while he never went into detail about his current relationship with the woman who gave birth to him and apparently that was the only thing she was handing out, the conclusion that I drew from that pathetic conversation was there wasn’t a relationship there. In fact, he wasn’t even sure if the feelings he had towards Rachel at that point were feelings of love, because he just doesn’t recognize that particular emotion. I won’t go into much more past detail, all you need to know is that the boy is full of shit. Tonight will be the first time in his eleven years as an adult that he brings home a woman, which would tell all of us watching from the judgmental comforts of our own homes, that maybe Eric is a bit of a whore and the reason no woman has ever reached that familial front door is because he was too busy kicking them out of his. And because I don’t like him, everything about him makes my lip turn up in disgust. From the way he talks, to the way the kisses, but since he is still standing, then I must find the strength to go on, because from the way things are starting to look, Rachel is feeling something for him.

Upon her arrival, Eric takes her to play some basketball and this is also where a friend of his shows up to give ~~Eric an emotional hand job~~, Rachel some kind words regarding her boyfriend. One of the accolades his friend bestows upon him is his intelligence, this is the point where I should refer you to the very first Quote of the Show and you can draw your own conclusions on where it is that Eric’s intelligence lies. When they arrive to meet the family, they are greeted by nine people. The three main members being his dad, his aunt, and his mom. In her confessional, Rachel does say that she felt nothing but love and warmth from his family the minute she walked through the door, so again, I may not like him, but I ain’t the one who’s looking to get penetrated by him either. They do kick off with telling the family how it was that they met (on Nick’s ATFR).

Rachel first speaks with Eric’s aunt and the discussion was really on the pressures of being the first black Bachelorette. When they start talking about marriage and family, his aunt does reassure her that Eric is ready for everything Rachel wants. Eric is busy starting the convo with his mother and it quickly turns to him running away from love and how the relationship with his mom wasn’t easy and she wasn’t there for him the way he needed her to be, but he understands that there is a reason for everything. She counters him by saying that their family has a lot of great men and she wasn’t about to let him be a mama’s boy (I’m paraphrasing) and that was her way of showing him love and grooming him into the man he was destined to be.

Rachel has herself a pretty good discussion with mama and Eric has an equally good one with his dad. Things move to the dinner table, daddy-o makes a toast that sounds like it could’ve come from one of Eric’s books, then Eric makes a toast that made me throw up a little in my mouth. The date ends like all hometowns tend to, with Eric uttering those all important words, of course he follows it up with telling Rachel what he means when he tells her he loves her and in case you are sitting on the edge waiting. . .it just means that he cares about her a lot. Yeah, this is a motherfucker who is ready for love, go ahead and imagine the proposal. . .I dare ya.

Here’s what I thought about this hometown: This is not a man who doesn’t know love. First, I get the impression that his mom was here for this date, only because she’s his mom. I didn’t get the feeling that she was or has been a permanent fixture in his life. But having said that, the discussion Eric had with his mom certainly leaned toward her mothering skills and him feeling like she didn’t love him enough and her explaining why she did the things she did, interestingly this is not the first time this back and forth has taken place and it appears that all has been forgiven in that world and he even expresses to his mother how he loves her unconditionally. That’s a huge change from just a couple of episodes ago. I can’t respect someone who thinks it’s okay to lie to get you from one place to the next, and he flat out let Rachel believe that he is being held back in his ability to scoop love up, all because of his mom. Well, it seems that those issues were resolved a while ago and if he was a child growing up in a loveless home, he is certainly not experiencing that as an adult, in the same home, with the same family. There were a lot of “I love you’s” being tossed from one person to the next. I don’t know why the lie was ever planted, I’m not sure if it’s because his story looks better when told as a young black man faced with adversity, growing up on the hard streets of Baltimore, who didn’t know the love of a mother, but somehow found the strength to overcome the odds and do something with his life. That sounds like a fucking Lifetime movie and is a much better story than a kid who grew up with a family who maybe didn’t always make the best decisions, but he always had the love and support of those around him. Okay, that could also make a fucking good movie, well at the very least a decent PSA.

Bryan is up next and in case you are suffering from a bit of amnesia, let me remind you BXTCHES that the reason Bryan’s last relationship failed was because of some MamaDrama, his mama that is. Now, I would love a bit more backstory on this, but it looks like it’ll have to come from the ex, because his lips are sealed tighter than a virgin’s where this story is concerned. But, because of my inquisitive nature and also because it’s not too hard to do a quick Google search, I found a couple of his ex girls. Now, Genavieve Boue and Bryan didn’t date too terribly long, but I don’t think she’s the one in question, because from everything that I read (which wasn’t a whole lot), she is pretty supportive of him doing the show and had nothing but accolades to paint him with. The other ex is the shocker because she was actually on Ben’s season on The Bachelor. Remember Jubilee? Oh yeah, according to some sources (not mine, the ones on the internet), Bryan and Jubilee were a brief item. She even went as far to tweet about his face eating kisses. Apparently she is not a fan. . .either that or she’s jealous. I’m gonna go with the latter. Since I re-capped Eric, it’s only fair to do the same for Bryan:

37 years old
Resides in Florida. . .Miami to be exact.
He is a chiropractor who graduated from the University of Florida in 2003.
He has been the Chiropractic Physician/Clinic Director of The Accident and Injury Team since 2009.
He was accused of insurance fraud in March 2016, all charges were dismissed without prejudice in March 2017.
Oldest contestant
Not many posts on Facebook and Instagram account ~~is set to private~~ is no longer active and I couldn’t find anything on Twitter, but I’m sure that will change.

I am pleased to announce that Rachel did greet Bryan in the customary Bachelorette way by throwing herself in his arms and wrapping those legs right around him, but she also gave him a “Hi baby” and he gave her a “bienvenidos a Miami”, and I know where some are with regards to #mamasboy, but I do think that Rachel is feeling it, and I mean that in every way in which it implies. I didn’t want race to be a factor tonight, but Bryan kicks things off by taking her to a dominoes park, cliché much? I had no idea that there was such a thing as a professional domino (or is it dominoes?) player, but that doesn’t hinder the lovebirds from giving it their best shot, they got beat. . .badly. . .but they tried, which is more than I probably would’ve done. I have to literally count the dots and I play a little too slow, I probably bring a great deal of shame to my husbands name, but he’s stuck now. We did get to hear Bryan speak Spanish, so that probably helped soothe the sting of getting the beat down. He shows Rachel the local side of Miami, a lot of the Cuban influences, from the food to the music and dancing, he did a pretty good job in selling the city to her. And it should be noted that they are both wearing the watches that were gifted during the last episode. Bryan does take the time to fill Rachel in on the family and who it is Rachel will meet (mainly mom and dad), this is also where we learn that Bryan is his mother’s only child. #goodluckgirl

There are five people waiting for the couple to arrive. The visit kicks off with a toast from mom, who can’t even make it through saying “the most precious thing that I have in my life”, without tears. And right off the bat, mama has made herself known. Now, this would be a good time for me to poke some fun, but I can’t, because somewhere deep in my soul, I recognize that woman in myself. Lord help my son now, because ain’t no bitch gonna be good enough.

It’s Bryan and his mom first and she dives right in to why he thinks Rachel is the one. His mom takes the opportunity to remind Bryan that he has been with so many girls and then he goes on a show and falls in love. . .she’s shocked. I think she wanted to say that she doesn’t believe him, but he is her baby boy boo thang and maybe she was trying to be kind. Her face said it all though. I think her disbelief lies in the amount of time or lack of time that it has taken for him to fall in love. Of course she also reminds him that if Rachel doesn’t get along with the mother than “that’s not good”. Rachel’s convo is with some woman with no name? I don’t know if maybe she is a sister with another mom or maybe a cousin, she could be an ex for all we know, ABC should consider doing a better job with these introductions, we BXTCHES really need to know these things. Regardless of who she is, I felt as if she sat with an air of superiority around her, especially since the topic of discussion was his ex and how she integrated herself with his family. Well, I guess she didn’t, which is why she didn’t last, but whoever this chick is, she clearly was given the task of educating Rachel about Bryan’s family, how important the family is, and because of how tight knit the clan is, Rachel should just want to be a part of it.

When Rachel gets in the hot seat with the mom, the first question asked is what does Rachel see in Bryan that makes him the one and she has her list ready to go. Descriptors such as. . .honest, direct, self-aware, secure, confident, not to mention how good his heart is. . .those are the things that drew her to him. She goes on to say that no other guy has ever treated her the way Bryan has. You would think that every word Rachel utters would be extending a compliment to mom, but the last word I would use in describing her body language at this point, is flattered. I will say that her body was screaming for her to play defense, because she uses this time to basically let Rachel know that “Bryan is my life” and if they make it down the aisle, then Rachel will be marrying into that family. Shout out to our girl for letting mom know that she feels that he would be marrying into her family as well. She (mom) goes onto to explain the difficulties of marriage and how above all else, love is the most important component one must possess.

In the end, the family approves and Bryan is in love. Now, here are my thoughts. Peter may be at the top of my list, but I’m okay with it being Bryan and Rachel in the end. The only warning sign would be his mom and I don’t necessarily mean that in a negative way. Okay, maybe a tiny bit negative, but here it is. . .Bryan’s mom made it crystal clear that Bryan is the love of her life (way to seal the deal for the husband) and even though they both shared a laugh after the “I will kill you” comment (see Quotes of the Show), no one will be laughing if Rachel breaks his heart and that BXTCH comes through on the promise. But the underlying comment was when she told Rachel that a woman has the power to move the man away from his family and she didn’t have to speak the words for anyone to pick up on the meaning, which was. . .Rachel best not get any ideas about moving Bryan to Texas and away from him mama. He was smart about how he handled the first part of the date. He showed her the local side of Miami and what it is that he loves about the city. Sprinkle in a very close family and the U-Haul is gonna be in Rachel’s future, not Bryan’s. All in all, I think the date went well, she didn’t return the sentiment of love in words, but she planted them on his face.

Fan favorite (well, at least our favorite) Peter is up and let’s hope he comes to win. But, in the spirit of equality, here is the re-cap:

31 years old
Personal Trainer, Model, and volunteer for the Make-A-Wish foundation.
From Madison, WI (current hometown).
Attended Madison Area Technical College.
Owner at Worth Personal Training.
Personal Instagram account is ~~set to private-however~~ is no longer private, his business Instagram (@worthpersonaltraining) is public as well.

They meet up in Madison and the farmer’s market. During her confession time, Rachel still has concerns over whether or not Peter is ready for his meeting with Neil Lane. We already know that Peter will not adorn her finger with any sort of ring, if he is not ready. The problem? Rachel is ready and she is looking for someone who is at the very least, is in the same place as she is. Keep your fingers crossed for that beautiful man, because for every reason Rachel has for keeping Peter, she has one for sending him home. The day eventually brings them to a local bar, where Peter has arranged for some friends to meet up. Surely I wasn’t the only one who noticed that the two couples who showed up were playing in the interracial dating pool? Maybe it wasn’t done purposely, but good move Peter. There wasn’t a whole lot revealed during this time, I guess at some point during Rachel and Peter’s time, he did confess that 80% of his closest friends are black, that seems like a very strange thing to reveal during a date, regardless of your dates skin color, but it got a chuckle out of Rachel. It was a bit more awkward than it was easy going, but that could be blamed on a first time meeting or the fact that cameras were all up on them. . .but here is where Peter won me over even more. When he gets his two besties alone, he lays it all out. The conversation went something like this. He does have feelings for Rachel, but he does not yet know how those feelings will translate outside the box that is The Bachelorette. What will it feel like in the real world, where he wakes up next to her every day. So while he knows he is feeling something strong for her, is it strong enough to get him to the place where he is asking her to be his forever? His friends do offer some guidance by telling Peter to not get to caught up in the future, stay in the moment, because no one ever really knows what the future holds, but if you have the right person by your side, that is what matters.

It’s time to meet the family. . .mom (Lynn). . .dad (Gary). . .brother (David). . .sil (Brooke). . .niece and nephew (Charlotte and Hudson). After hugs are given out, it’s time to tell their story, you wonder if the crew has ever had to yell “CUT!”, because the Bachelor/ette began telling the wrong story and got their girl/boyfriends mixed up?

Rachel gets time with the sister-in-law first and she tells Rachel that Peter is someone who is caring and wears his heart on his sleeve. She does believe that he is ready for the next step, but she also believes that there is something holding him back. That sounds a little contradictory to me, but maybe the in law is just trying to cover every base, I was a bit busy trying to check out the marquee next to the in law, that not only was lit up, but also said something along the lines of “Welcome Rachel”, so I could’ve missed something.

Peter gets time with his mom, who is sporting a hairstyle that is awfully similar to Kate Gosselin circa 2009, surely someone could’ve helped Lynn out, but I suppose we ain’t tuning in to see to the style she’s rocking, we’re actually interested in the advice she’s about to dole out to her son, so let’s continue. He confides that he’s afraid he’ll miss an opportunity if he still has his walls up when it comes time to propose and instead of his mom telling him what he should do, she offers him her support. . .so Kate Gosselin aside, I may like myself some Lynn.

Rachel and Lynn sit down for a fireside chat and question #1: “Where do you see four years from now?” Four is an awfully random number, but Rachel doesn’t skip a beat when she tells her that she sees herself married, with more than one kid. She goes onto to talk about her parents and how they have been married for 38 years. But, I wanna go back to the four years. I’m not sure what the actual timeline looks like, but four years is just a mere 48 months. Now I’m not trying to Rachel Green this shit, but assuming that she won’t be walking down the aisle for at least a year, ABC does have a schedule after all and we all know that those nuptials will be aired, and also assuming that she won’t get knocked up until the “I do’s” are exchanged, we are now down to 36 months. Going on to assume the happy couple will need at the bare minimum one year of martial bliss before the egg gets fertilized, we are now down to 24 months and she is wanting more than one kiddo, so allow 18-20 months to cook the little fuckers and the actual time they will be married before the pitter patter of little feet. . .a year and a half at the most. If this was the real world minus cameras and ratings, then maybe that’s doable, but even then, that’s not a lot of time. Add in cameras and ratings and possibly even more reality shows, then I could sense some doom. I hope not, but maybe Rach should rethink those expectations. Back to Lynn, when asked if she thinks Peter is ready for all that Rachel desires, her answer was a bit weird. Yes, he is ready to start a family. Yes, he is ready to have someone in his life to share those things with and yes, he is ready for a commitment, but she doesn’t think he is necessarily ready for the ring and the proposal and the marriage. . .yet.

Before goodbyes are said, Rachel and Peter pop a squat on the front steps to talk about the day. I feel that Rachel was trying to get him to express himself by using the word ‘love’, but I believe she was being a little backhanded about it, using her hometown with Nick as the game changer in that relationship. Peter had nothing but positive vibes and thoughts regarding the day and after seeing her interact with his friends and family, moved him even more in the direction of asking for her hand, but I think all she can see are the walls he has up, she’s not hearing the message he’s sending out.

First the bad news. I do think that we are down to a Peter vs. Bryan finale and I think Bryan may have moved ahead tonight, especially after he was able to breath a sigh of relief where his mother was concerned. While I don’t think Peter is too far behind, I also don’t think either one of them (Rachel or Peter) are fighting for the relationship in a way that would reassure me that Peter is gonna be the last man standing in the end. Here’s what I’m trying to say. . .I’m sure Rachel’s discussion with Lynn didn’t fill her with the warm fuzzies she was hoping for, but I’m confused on why she just didn’t sit with Peter and discuss it. In the real world, any talk about marriage six or so weeks into a relationship, would be grounds to Usain Bolt your ass out of there, but this isn’t the real word, both parties willingly agreed to participate on a show where the end result is an engagement, so why not talk about the elephant. Why didn’t Peter tell Rachel the same concerns he shared with his friends. He could’ve easily put her mind at ease by telling her that he needs to know what her morning breath smells like or maybe he needs to see drunk Rachel come out and play or maybe he just needs to see what her clothes look like in his closet BEFORE he can be sure that their union is a forever union. I can’t for the life of me figure out why Rachel is so bothered by these walls. If you aren’t comfortable enough to sit and have the difficult discussions, then forget about fucking marriage. I have always proclaimed that love is easy. It’s easy to cuddle up to your person while whispering how much you love them and it’s fun to make out with them, hoping that it leads to the really good stuff. . .love is the easy part of marriage. The hard part? The ‘despite the fact’ part. For example, as I type these words, my husband is laying next to me, snoring like a goddamn freight train, so I love my husband although I would really like to shove him out of the bed and listen to his body hit the ground, just to stop the snoring. Another example? I still want to fuck my husband on the regular despite the fact that I have trained him over and over again on the proper way to hang up clothes, but since he refuses to take notes, still can’t get it quite right. And this goes both ways, my husband has nothing but adoration for me, even though I become a raging bitch once a month, sometimes more and I can’t even blame biology. And trust a BXTCH, there are times when I look in the mirror and even shock myself, but I know despite the fact that I may look like I could star on an episode of The Real Housewives of the Trailer Park, my husband has nothing but hunger when he sees me. I’m gonna have to stop the ‘despite the facts’ here, because I could write a book. So, I can’t blame Peter for wanting to make sure that the connection with Rachel is still electric long after the ‘Peter and Rachel: Stars of The Bachelorette’ chapter ends and they see how well they can actually dodge the balls being thrown at them in the wonderful game of Dodgeball that some of us call life.

I’m gonna focus more of my time on Dean and Rachel with what I actually thought, but first things first here is your re-cap:

26 years old
Recruiter for a tech recruiting company in Los Angeles (where he resides).
Attended the University of Colorado.
When asked “What does being married mean to you?” His answer: “I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.”
He has a pretty decent Instagram following (close to 3000) and with a name like deanie_babies, would you expect anything less? His current Twitter account only has 69 followers and just one tweet, so clearly deanie_babies is his bread and butter.
He also met Rachel on Nick’s ATFR and you’ll remember him because he is the one who told Rachel “I’m ready to go black and I’m never gonna go back.” So, definitely looking forward to this gem.

Remember, last week during his one-on-one with Rachel, Dean came clean about his apprehension where meeting his family was concerned. Rachel did put his mind at ease and we are now to the part where the meet and greet is inevitable. The date kicks off with Dean and Rachel riding some ATV’s. This alone is one of the reasons I think Rachel is drawn to Dean, he has a very natural ability to have fun, which most likely brings some spontaneity to what is probably a very stressful life for Rachel. Talk quickly turns to Dean’s family and who it is that Rachel will be meeting. Both of his bothers (Brad and Ross) will be there, along with his sister (Skye), his brother’s girlfriend (Ashley) will also be in attendance. His dad has converted to kundalini yoga and all in which that implies. He now goes by his self given name, Parumrup, which means ‘divinely beautiful’. He has remarried and the step mom is Santantar. Now, from what Dean confesses to Rachel, most of this conversion took place only six years ago and if everyone shows up, it will be the first time they have all been under the same roof in eight years. He hasn’t spoken with his father in two years and has only met his step-mom twice, to say that the discomfort was displayed in every one of Dean’s mannerisms would be an understatement, he was looking forward to this about as much as one would look forward to having a steel rod shoved into their dick hole. Given the way in which Rachel was raised, I think she is having a hard time understanding why it is that Dean has gone so long without speaking to his father, so she throws that question out there, which has Dean responding with “Is it my responsibility to talk to my dad? Like, is it my responsibility to reach out to him and make sure there is a relationship there?” He admits to not really trying to make the effort, but really placing the blame on the elder.

Up to this point, it’s been the men reassuring a very nervous Rachel that things are going to be fine (where meeting the family is concerned), this date it was the other way around. Rachel is doing what she can to calm Dean down. They arrive to the family sitting in a semi-circle on the floor and when his dad says “We were waiting on King Dean to show up.”, that gave me every insight I needed where his dad was concerned. It’s quite obvious that Dean lives a very different life from the simplistic one his dad lives and from that comment, it seems that Parumrup doesn’t think too highly of Dean’s lifestyle. The gong gets played and while it made Dean very uncomfortable, Rachel seemed to be relaxed by it. When Parumrup presented Dean and Rachel with feathers, that were a symbolic representation of Dean’s mom, you could sense the love the entire family had for her and even the yogi shed some tears. That was one of the few shining moments of this date.

This whole hometown quickly morphs into some weird ass therapy session. Dean goes with his father and Rachel goes with Dean’s sister. Rachel brings up the subject of Dean and dad and how she knows it’s been a while since they have talked. I’m not sure what anyone was trying to get from digging, but all that happened was the can got opened and worms began to crawl. You didn’t need Dr. Phil to come to the conclusion that this family (especially the kiddos) have not dealt with the grief that the passing of their mother brought and it’s been ten years. As soon as Skye even dips her toe into that pool, the tears start. She does go on to tell Rachel about how Dean has been through so much and how strong he is and how much she admires him. Solely based on the very small snippet of convo that ABC aired, this family needs to have some grief counseling, ten years ago. The talk with dad started with him criticizing Dean in a very underhanded way. Dean looks about as interested in having this conversation as one would be in talking about how many ex-lovers they have had. His dad takes all the credit for how well Dean has turned out, which prompted Dean to ask whether or not Parumrup feels that he is still fulfilling his role as a father, which leads into talks of the past. I think that Dean was really doing a great job in getting his anger off his chest, but his dad just rebuffed every gripe he had. Dean wanted his dad to get angry, he wanted to both discuss how his mom passing made him feel, while hearing how it made his dad feel. His dad does open up some, but I think it came at a cost because when Dean tells his dad that he felt abandoned, Parumrup ends the discussion. When Dean tells his dad that he loves him, regardless. . .all he got in return is a “Well, whatever.”

Parumrup runs into Rachel outside, and when she requests to talk over by the fire, he’s done. She does thank him for his hospitality and when he goes on to say what he needs to, it was almost as if he forgot about the cameras and once he realizes that they are capturing every word, he shuts down. He had kind words for Rachel, but in the end, he needed to be done with all things ABC and The Bachelorette.

When Rachel finds Dean, he does tell her that he is falling in love with her and SPOILER ALERT. . .she tells him the same.

I’m actually gonna share my thoughts on Dean’s hometown in my Final Thoughts.

Tonight’s heartbreak will be coming to us from Dallas, Texas. . .way to give a BXTCH a heads up ABC. . .and Chris Harrison finally makes an appearance. It’s quite obvious that each Rose Ceremony is more difficult than the last, so it stands to reason that tonight may actually split Rachel’s heart in two. When all is said and done, here is the order in which the roses were handed out:

The Bachelorette 2017 | Meet the Cast | It's Reality BXTCHES | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Bryan, 37

The Bachelorette 2017 | Meet the Cast | Episode Re-Cap | It's Reality BXTCHES | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Eric, 29

Peter, 31

Leaving Dean and the rest of us with any sort of a pulse, left to wonder that if in the end, his family did him in.

“So for me, I think this is the most important step I’m ever took in my life.” -Eric

“. . .and Miami just screams Bryan. It’s hot, it’s steamy, there’s something sexy about it. Sometimes it speaks to you in Spanish. I mean, this is Bryan.” -Rachel

“Bryan’s my life. He’s my love. He’s my pride.” -Bryan’s mom

“If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.” -Bryan’s mom

“I am letting myself feel all the feels, and it feels good.” -Rachel

As someone who has been married for 18 years (shout out to my BOO!), I feel that I am more than qualified to offer Rachel some advice. Now, her parents have been joined together in holy matrimony for 38 years, surely they have some words of wisdom of their own. . .but I have the blog, so my rules. While I understand Rachel’s trepidation about Peter and where he stands at the moment, I am reading from a totally different book. If anything, this would make me even more sure about Peter being the one. I can’t judge one for how quickly or not quickly they fall in love or at the very least declare it, but to punish someone that you are clearly starting to fall in love with, all because he may not be ready at the end to drop down to one knee, kinda makes you look selfish. I get that you are not looking to end this process with just a ‘boyfriend’, but isn’t it better to be sure before you make that walk? Lots of talk about pressure, pressure on being the first African-American lead on this franchise, pressure from both sides of the road. . .if this ends in a break-up, then not only are you just another reality t.v. statistic, but now the chances of another lead of color taking the reins are slim, and while that burden shouldn’t fall at your doorstep, it has. Thirteen seasons of The Bachelorette and five couples are still together, that’s about a 38% success rate, so the odds are most certainly in your favor. . .but why rush it. You’re not buying a car, you’re buying your forever. . .take a moment and savor, trust in your gut, and believe in love. . .BUT. . .if Peter wasn’t quick enough in putting the words out there, I think I can speak on behalf of BachelorNation with certainty when I say. . .we’re gonna need Peter to be the next Bachelor.

Two of our guys tonight outfitted themselves in pants that gathered at the ankle. Is this a new thing? Or am I just out of touch? We did have an entire conversation about booties on Gucci belts and smacking yourself with some Chanel, so I sometimes like to think I’m good to go with what’s current, but I can fucking guarantee you that if my husband came home in a pair of pants that not only showed off the socks (or lack thereof) that he is sporting, but will also leave an indention in your skin, then my lady boner is gone and it’s not coming back for a while. I think Bryan is sexy as fuck, but even him in those pants couldn’t give me an erection. Oh and it was Bryan and Dean who miscalculated the sexiness of pants that scrunch up around the ankle.

Hometown dates are supposed to feel good. They’re supposed to invoke a sense of pride in the one bringing you home. They get the opportunity to show you around town and plan a date for once, while you get the chance to see them in their element, in a place where comfort and love is pouring from them. Dean’s hometown took every one of those qualities and did the exact opposite. ABC and Rachel knew last week how uncomfortable Dean was with the idea of introducing her to his family. Not only that, but they were also made aware of how long it had been since Dean has spoken with his family, his father in particular, and the reasons why. So, why make Dean go through with it? Why couldn’t Dean use the hometown as a way to introduce Rachel to his city and friends, those he picked to be his family? The only thing Rachel and ABC did tonight, was make sure that the next in line for Dean’s heart will not even get to knock on his dad’s door. Watching it all unfold the way it did, broke my heart. It should be said that when Eric and Bryan both confessed their love for Rachel, she did not say it back, but she did with Dean. While she was left to wonder if the reason behind Dean’s proclamation was triggered by the events that unfolded with his family, I can’t help but wonder if her sentiment was uttered as a way to comfort Dean. I didn’t think Dean would be the one in the end, but once he made it painfully clear how much he was hesitating over the hometown, I didn’t think she would send him packing after. Shame on ABC and Rachel, for going after ratings and some twisted hope of a breakthrough and not giving one fuck over the feelings that got trampled in the process.

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The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Seven Re-Cap | 07.10.17

By Merrie J | July 12, 2017 - 3:16 am |July 13, 2017 The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Seven Re-Cap | 07.10.17
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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: It’s been two weeks since Rachel and her would-be’s last visited our television sets and if it wasn’t for the good graces of the hot mess that is better referred to as Big Brother, I’m not too sure what a BXTCH would’ve done. Tonight’s episode is especially important, because if the kiss is strong enough, Rachel will be meeting the fam. I would also like to deliver a big FUCK YOU to ABC. I know that’s pretty harsh, but those twat waffles (I gotta pay homage to my Facebook foe) are sitting up in their fancy offices laughing some ass off at our expense. When you know that you’re gonna have to wait TWO weeks before you’re even able to see the beauty that is Peter or the sex. . .iness that is Bryan or how adorable Dean really is, sorry for the rest of you guys, but that’s all I got. Anyway, we knew it was gonna be two weeks, so we hang onto the preview like it knows the answer in curing stupidity (that really needs to be a thing-#stupiditykills), and we witness a visibly upset and crying Rachel, which immediately goes into Peter taking credit for her tears, so we’re left to think that our #1 may be in trouble and well, we should’ve known better. . .ABC has left us hot and bothered with no happy ending too many times in the past and yet again, we get burned. Now as a quick reminder, here are our final six:

Adam, 27

Bryan, 37

Dean, 26

Eric, 29

Matt, 32

Peter, 31

Last Week On: Okay, I know it’s been two weeks, I’m just trying to stay consistent. These motherfuckers were dropping like flies during episode #6. . .we kicked off the show with the Rose Ceremony from the previous episode and during that we saw Josiah, Lee, and Anthony give their final goodbye kiss. . .during the episode we said so long to Kenny and Will. . .and the Rose Ceremony at the end, had us shedding a tear for Alex. . .so talk about trimming the fat.

Tonight On: Again, if the suitor makes it past tonight, then I hope the family has been prepped on what and what not to do because Rachel will be knocking on the door. Only four can make it, so that means she will be giving two the boot, she is from Texas after all. Tonight she will bless three of the guys with a one-on-one date, while the other three will get even closer, because they will have to share Rachel and her time during a group date. Now, I’m not sure how your score card has been filled out, but remember Matt and Adam are the only two of the six, who have yet to be given their very own date card. Oh, and tonight the gang is in Switzerland.

One-on-One #1: Even though Bryan has some white hot chemistry (so his position is all but locked in) and even though he has already had himself a pretty terrific one-on-one date, he is up first for some special time, so I guess it’s pretty clear to see where Rachel is leaning and it’s also pretty clear that the other guys can see that lean as well. Once Bryan is decked out, he and Rachel are off. The theme of their date is luxury and I gotta say, the two of them are looking pretty hot when they put their asses into that Bentley and I’m surprised that Bryan’s excitement didn’t show via his pants, because he was almost as excited as a teen is with his first Playboy. And in case you’re wondering, I did do a little research to find out if a state issued driver’s license is valid overseas. . .it is in Switzerland (with a few exceptions), so Bryan is all good behind the wheel and they are off. First stop on the date of indulgence and luxury? Breitling, where one goes to buy a good watch, apparently. During the browsing experience, we do get to hear Bryan during his confessional time and while some believe him to be a player (you know who you are), he couldn’t have put his feelings into better words if he were reading from a script, he could’ve been, but I choose to go the hopeless romantic route. I had to find out more about Breitling and the products that they offer and if my research is on point (it usually is), then the watch that Rachel gifts Bryan’s wrist with runs a cool $8200. . .the $3000 that Corinne dropped on Nick’s outfit looks like chump change compared to this. But in all seriousness, that doesn’t even include the watch that Rachel left with, so ABC is doing it up, I’m thinking that if these are the gifts and trips they drop, then I need my own reality show, don’t worry, the hubs and I are some entertaining motherfuckers. Of course, it’s really gonna suck if he isn’t chosen in the end, because every time he looks at his wrist, his mind will wonder with what could’ve been OR he could sell it and probably make up some of the money he has missed out on while he was busy getting his heart broken overseas. I understand excitement, I almost cried today when I found out the the Summer Olympics will be coming to the U.S.A. in either 2024 or 2028, but it wasn’t enough to go home and mount my husband, this fool all but pulled it out like it was show and tell time when she informs the salesman that the watches are coming home with them. Bryan does see this gift as a forever gift and while Bryan and Peter are in my top two, with Peter getting the slight edge, I can kinda see where his line of thinking is going. And the watches were MATCHING!!

Meanwhile back at the hotel: Matt and Adam are trying to stay optimistic in the light of STILL not being chosen for a one-on-one, #readtheclues. Adam is more on the side of ‘she just doesn’t know what she’s missing and once she gets a taste, the others can pack their bags’ while Matt is just thinking that he’s gonna give it his all and the rose will land where it may. Peter and Dean’s discussion is leaning more towards just being jealous and annoyed that he was picked first, well that’s Peter’s view. Dean on the other hand is on team #bryanisaplaya, so as of last count, that team is represented well with three members. Tensions rise even more when the next date card arrives and the only name scribbled is. . .Dean. You know Dean can sense the frustration coming off of Adam when he looks his way and says “Don’t punch me in the face.” It’s funny to me how these guys (and girls) get mad at the chosen one, but when they are having their moments with Rachel, never really utter a word of disappointment. Dean is excited that he has again been chosen, but he does confess that his relationship with his family is not all that great and he just doesn’t know if he’s ready for Rachel to meet them.

The rest of Bryan’s date is smooth and romantic with all the right words being said leading right into the non-dinner portion. Again, Rachel is questioning Bryan’s single status. How in the world can he be so romantic and sexy and kind and giving and not yet be claimed? Maybe we will find out. We learn that he went to an all boys school and she went to a very small private school. This is where we also find out that maybe Bryan watched the Britney Spears video one too many times, because he was all down for picturing Rachel in her plaid. He brings up her last relationship and asks if she met his family, now her response was “yes” she did and he met hers and that was the good part. There wasn’t elaboration on that, but my curiosity is wondering if she is talking about Nick or not. I assume that he is her last relationship, but I also have no idea if what they had can be categorized as such. Just a thought. When the convo segues into his last relationship, he says a lot without offering enough detail. The relationship was passionate from the start, they took a trip, he then started to notice certain “things”. . .she wasn’t willing to compromise and meet his mother halfway and then tells him that his mother is the reason she is breaking up with him. Literally that was the jest of the discussion, there was no rhyme or reason really, which would indicate to the naysayers that Bryan may be a #mamasboy. Rachel offers up the petals, Bryan accepts, which leads to some dancing and serious making out and I mean to the point of me being surprised that she didn’t ask him to come to her room.

One-on-One #2: Dean’s date card asked him to dress in his Sunday best, which by all clues would indicate church and she does in fact lead him, hand in hand, to a Catholic church being sermoned in French (I don’t know if I worded that right). I have no issue with taking a walk down a different religious pathway, but it should be said that neither of them are Catholic (not that big of a deal) and neither speak French (should be a pretty big deal?), but forge ahead they will. After mass they take a stroll around town, stopping so Dean could show off his white boy moves and boy did he ever, but it was cute and made Rachel laugh, which I’m assuming was the goal.

Meanwhile back at the hotel: We’re back to analyzing why it is Rachel is doling out the dates the way she is during this episode and if ABC wanted to really entertain us during these moments of reflection, then they should’ve let these guys go full on ESPN. Surely you have sat a home and watched a game with a man and it doesn’t take long for “Mr. I Know It All” to rear it’s penis, right? So, it would’ve been fantastic if they could’ve sat at a desk and really went hard at the “whys” of Rachel’s one-on-one picks. Peter is wondering if maybe Rachel had some questions where Dean and Bryan were concerned and Eric believes that Dean uses a defense mechanism when he wants to deflect. It would’ve made for a great segment and this happens to be the most I have ever heard Peter discuss the other guys. So either they’re pushing him to talk a bit more or he is starting to feel the pressure. Once again, there is a knock and I’m sure that Matt and Adam are ready to pop some Xanax, but when Bryan speaks and the words that are coming out of his mouth sound like “Peter, we are at the peak of our relationship.” -Rachel. . .I’m almost certain they went looking for it. Eric has drawn the conclusion that Bryan, Dean, and Peter are the top three, but he still has a group date and since “nofin” is guaranteed, he’s gonna give it his all. And yes, I’m quite sure he replaced the “th” in nothing, with a “f”. I highly recommend that he use his vocab skills on the fine judge. . .that should be interesting. . . if he makes it that far.

As Dean and Rachel continue their date, Rachel is feeling that Dean is off, that something is holding him back, she’s also getting a bit frustrated that he’s not using his time very wisely, especially when he’s asking questions like “Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” and “What’s your favorite dinosaur?”, so her hope is that the date goes a bit deeper. When the night falls, she’s hoping that he opens up with her a bit more. When it comes up, even my heart broke for him. We learned in South Carolina that Dean lost his mom when he was in some of the most formidable years of his life and the impact that her loss had on him. Tonight we learn just what that loss did to not only his dad, but his family as a whole, which is the underlying reason why Dean is worried about introducing Rachel to those he loves. I already liked Dean, but to see how nervous and vulnerable he became, brought it to another level. It basically came down to his dad not being able to be the father Dean needed after he lost his mom. He would like to introduce Rachel to the family that once was, not the one that currently is. His bigger concern is her foreseeing a future family with Dean based on his current familial situation and that alone being enough to cut him loose. It was very touching, but no worries she set him straight and reassured him that he is around for a reason. It actually was a very moving moment, enough so that she pinned it on him. The rose that is, well that wasn’t all she laid on him.

One-on-One #3: It’s time for Peter to show her what he brings to the table and things kick off really well when she wraps her legs around his waist and says hello with her lips. Peter was gifted with the very first one-on-one date of the season and the very last one as well. . .could that be a sign of things to come? Well, the first step to finding that out comes by way of some dog sledding and while I’m sure that it’s fun for some people, I’m not sure whose bright idea it was for Rachel and Peter to sit down in the middle of some sort of frozen tundra and discuss the future. I mean for ‘pete’s’ sake, his hair was forming icicles and if you listened hard enough, you could hear the teeth chatter. However, Peter was pretty forthcoming regarding the insecurities that this process has brought out of him and it was really great news for those on #teampeter, when Rachel was able to really understand and appreciate where it was he was coming from. The evening brings more open conversation starting with Peter’s family and who exactly Rachel will be meeting. Peter has never dated a black woman, but that’s not something that concerns his family. Talk quickly moves to Peter’s last relationship. . .Peter tells Rachel that nothing happened to trigger his break-up, they just grew apart and he did accept full responsibility for being the one who hurt her, but he was unable to give that relationship all that it deserved. While he doesn’t still harbor any feelings towards this girl, he still carries some guilt over the way it ended and his role in it. He continues to open himself up by telling Rachel that he thinks he is ready for the next step and if he ends on bended knee, that his heart is 100% there. On the flip side, he does tell her that if at any point he has reservations about putting that ring on her finger, she will be the first one to know. That type of honesty, while welcoming, scares her. The discussion may have been tough to hear, but I do think it was a necessary one to have. . .while love may be easy, relationships not always are, and if you wanna get to the good stuff you must be willing to face the hard.

Meanwhile back at the hotel: When we catch back up with our relationship experts, it’s time for them to analyze Peter and what it is that they believe is happening on his date with their girlfriend. Talk about this being Peter’s last day gets thrown around and it’s cute how they think that it could be a possibility. Had they walked in on the hot tub scene from a few weeks ago, they would probably be packing their bags. Once the group date card arrives, it’s time for Adam to step up to the challenge and put Eric’s motivational speaking skills to shame, because ain’t nobody gonna tell Adam that something is difficult, that is a word he does not believe in. . .of course, he also believes that Rachel is really gonna say bye to Peter and while I don’t think anyone should give up on their dreams, Adam may wanna begin the process of leading his heart down a different, not difficult, path.

Group Date: “Tomorrow will be difficult, I don’t know what else to say. . .” -Rachel. Well, she could’ve just told Adam and Matt to pack their bags, that would’ve been something else to say, but I guess there is no fun in that. Look, I am not going to go into the details of this very unnecessary date. This is a three-on-one, there will be no fun had AT ALL. Just the firing of some prospects. Now, before I even get to the mediocre stuff, I am shocked that these three are even still standing. There’s not really anyone sent home prior that I thought Rachel would wind up with in the end and I was left speechless when they were told goodbye, but there are a few that I’m genuinely surprised were outlasted by these guys. Alex for one, Anthony would be another, Will was starting to grow on me, but what do I know, I thought she was crazy for sending Blake K. home day one. What I’m curious to know however is this. . .what is it that these three guys have experienced with Rachel, that makes them believe that they have a shot at gold. I can swim from one length of a pool to the other (at least I hope I could) but I know I will never be able to out swim Missy Franklin. I’m not usually one that would tell you to give up, but know where you stand and I haven’t seen Rachel straddle Eric, Adam, or Matt in a hot tub while their hands played a game of “Splay your fingers on my ass”, I haven’t even seen them play a fun game of “Let me eat your face off, while making it look sexy as fuck.” All I’m saying fellas is. . .you should not only know the game before you play it, but you should probably make sure you’re in the right league. They meet up with Rachel and she proceeds to start off the date with a boat ride, once they arrive on land and the champagne is poured (they should’ve went with some tequila-straight up), Adam starts in with how the word difficult isn’t part of his language, so I guess if Rachel ever needs a little league coach for her kiddo, she should look him up, he is from Dallas after all. Eric is up first and he starts off with an “I missed you man.” I was waiting for a fistbump after that sentiment. I wonder what Rachel’s family would say if she were to bring Eric home and he tells them about the experience of falling in love with Rachel and how great she is and how she is “worf” it, yeah. . .I’m quite sure that would make for some great television. If you can’t yet tell, I’m not a fan of Eric. There are so many reasons why, but the last one I’m gonna add to the list tonight is how fucking awkward he is when he kisses her and since I have been somewhat vulgar free this whole post, I will say with confidence that if a man can’t kiss your lips right, give it up on him kissing anywhere in a manner that will have you panting for more, not to mention he’s probably a terrible lay. But the way he is laying on the compliments and kissing her ass, he should’ve just laid her down and had his dinner early, JFC he was painting it on coat after coat. Matt is up next and not to spoil your fun, but she sends him home. What I found very interesting was her reaction. Something over the course of this season must’ve happened between them two that drew a connection, because she was all kinds of torn up sending him home. He did ask to take his champagne with him, see it would’ve been more effective if he was sipping on some tequila, he probably wouldn’t have felt the hit as hard. I didn’t understand it and I can only hope that light gets shed on the Men Tell All. When she decides to send Adam home, she or ABC thought it would be best for that to go down at a dinner, in front of Eric. Because nothing says humiliating than some guy getting picked who can’t even pronounce the word ‘worth’ over you, so my idea about bailing out and leaving a note isn’t that bad of an idea now, is it? I just realized you have no idea of what I’m talking about, but you will after you read my Final Thoughts. Anyway, after Adam leaves we do learn that Eric has never brought a girl home to meet his family, which the ass is 29 years old, that is a bit shocking, but since I don’t believe most of his backstory, I’m not too sure if I believe that. But I guess we will learn a lot more next week.

Bryan, 37

Dean, 26

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Eric, 29

Peter, 31

Adam, 27

Matt, 32

“. . .and I am 100% falling for these guys.” -Rachel

“But never have I treated a man the way I’m gonna treat a man today.” -Rachel

“I wore a Swatch back in the day.” -Bryan

“I really, really like you.” -Dean

“My relationship is probably stronger than anybody’s else’s in the house. . .” -Adam

When Peter’s name was read on the last one-on-one card, that’s where if I were Adam or Matt, I get up, pack my bags, and get the fuck out. She has now made it about as clear as the Pacific Ocean that she has absolutely zero interest in getting to know either one of them on a more intimate level. They are now forced to go on a group date with Eric, who I may not be able to stand, but she had a pretty awesome date with, and have a very tiny window to convince her that they are the one she should pick. Think about it. The chemistry that she shares with Bryan and Peter is electric. . .there are women all over this country that swoon every time she’s with them. . .in my living room every Monday it happens. I like Dean, but even he is unable to compete with that. So, is it unreasonable to go ahead and scratch them from the score card? Look, it may be the actual bitch in me coming out, but if I know you’re about to cut my string and break my heart, I’m not gonna give you the chance, especially on t.v., I’ll write you a very passive aggressive note, while in my head I’m giving you the ole’ “FUCK YOU!”, I’ll just do in in the comfort of an airplane.

I must admit that I am #teampeter, but I think I could also be #teambryan. I understand where Peter seems to round out every requirement and I can also see where some may think that Bryan is a bit of a player and could be putting on a show. I will say that if he’s not chosen in the end and becomes the next Bachelor, I will be watching. But after all three one-on-ones during this episode, Bryan’s was the best. It was the most thought out, it was executed the best, it just seemed that either someone is pushing for Bryan to be the one or someone is campaigning for Bryan to be the next one. I like Dean, but I think he is out, which may bode well for Raven, she did show a bit of interest in him at the beginning of the season. It may be weird for her to date a guy that her friend made out with several times, but this is The Bachelor franchise, at this point nothing really surprises us. Anyway, I do think Eric is going home next week (a BXTCH can hope) and in the end it will come down to Peter and Bryan. After watching the previews for the hometowns, we know that Peter’s mom tells Rachel that he is not emotionally ready for marriage. Of course, we could’ve interpreted that all wrong as well, but if this episode was anything to go by, I think Bryan may be making up some ground and fast and a part of me wonders if part of what attracts Rachel to Bryan is his bad boy aspect. I don’t know if or that he is, he just looks the part and Rachel seems to be someone who has followed the rules all her life. . .she may be looking for that reason to step outside the expectation.

I understand I’m a mediocre blog at best, I get it, not all can hang with my sense of humor, but just once I would like to reach ABC and have them consider one of my ideas and this is the one. Look, the extravagant dates are fun and they make for great ratings, but you know what would impress your viewing audience even more? Normalcy. When it gets down to the final 3, 4, or even 5. . .how about we let dates be planned by the contestants. Make it a theme. A “What would we do if we were at home?” theme. Regardless of what Rachel does for a living, I’m quite sure that she’s not dropping $8000 for a watch on what amounts to a second date. Not to mention, she’s about to pick someone to propose and neither of them even know if the other can cook. That needs to be a requirement for the Mr. or Mrs. When the final 5 or so are left, do away with the group date and let one-on-ones take over. As much as you fuckers hit us with To Be Continued’s, this shouldn’t pose any sort of problems. Look, I enjoy seeing how the other half lives because let’s face facts, I can’t get my husband on a cruise ship, it’s highly unlikely that we’ll be driving past the United Nations anytime soon, but every once and again, we would like to be able to relate to relationships that the show creates and we ain’t gonna be able to do that watching two people dog sled through the Alps.

One final thought. . .there was no Chris Harrison in tonight’s episode. Has that happened before?

The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN

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The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Six Re-Cap | 06.27.16

By Merrie J | June 29, 2017 - 2:33 am |June 29, 2017 The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Six Re-Cap | 06.27.17
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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Really, I don’t have much of a warning, we were in this same spot just yesterday. . .but I guess I could go ahead and say that tonight’s episode was good, but it was akin to having a really good date, one where you just know that the goods are going to deliver, then when all is uncovered, you find yourself staring at a penis instead of a cock. That’s the best analogy my dirty ass mind could conjure up. I guess my point would be that ABC set us up for tense happenings and didn’t deliver on that promise. Oh well, we did get some surprising results tonight. . .just keep reading, I’ll reveal all.

Yesterday On: So, some shit did go down, but we were all waiting for the epic showdown between Kenny and Lee and trust a BXTCH when she tells you that you didn’t miss much. But hopefully tonight will bring the happy ending we are all craving. Jack got sent home during his one-on-one and we also saw the end to Iggy and Jonathan’s run. Peter got a handful of some ass, both during the group date and later in a hot tub. Bryan is giving Peter a run for the money in the ‘whose dick can get the hardest’ game and truth be told, I can’t even tell at this point.

Tonight On: Rachel is going to bestow two guys with a one-on-one, we get (1) group date, and the two-on-one between Kenny and Lee, gets wrapped up.

Two-On-One: This wasn’t a date by any definition, it was a helicopter ride to the middle of a field, where Rachel takes each of the guys into a private convo. On Monday, when Lee got his opportunity, he revealed to Rachel that not only was Kenny calling Lee names (yes, apparently we have gone all the way back to the 4th grade), but he was also aggressive, violent, and attempted to pull him out of a van (which if it happened, ABC kept it a secret). Upon hearing this astonishing news, Rachel takes Kenny aside AGAIN and inquires. He of course denies and when he meets back up with Lee and asks him about the van incident, Lee denies ever telling Rachel that. We collectively learned as a viewing audience what we really knew all along. . .and that was Lee is a straight up asshole, and I secretly hope that his dick never gets to feel the inside of a wet mouth ever again. Fingers crossed. It is at this point that I would’ve sent both guys home. . .together. I wouldn’t have the time or desire to referee, especially when I have yet to have my toes curled by either of the asshats in question. . .but Rachel has much more class and grace than I do and bases her decision on who it is she trusts more and if you really haven’t figured it out yet, she sends Lee back to Tennessee, though I’m guessing that if given the chance, they would’ve marked him ‘no returns’. Kenny did pull the idiot stick when he decided to have Rachel wait while he went back to bid Lee a warm farewell. It would’ve definitely been this point where Rachel should’ve just said ‘fuck it’ and told the pilot to get her the hell out of there. . .but again, she has a bit more grace than I do, and decided to wait him and his ego out. If you’re wondering whether or not the guys were pumped about Lee leaving, let’s just say I’m shocked they didn’t throw their own party. I should also let you in on the fact that Rachel didn’t give Kenny the rose either, she just decided that she needed a bit more conversational alone time with him, before she was able to bless him with the flower.

The next part of the night takes place in Rachel’s hotel room where Kenny finally gets some alone time with the Bachelorette. Rachel did come out swinging when she questioned his decision to go back and have the final word with Lee, he went with the ‘I’m a verbal person’ excuse, was it a great answer? Probably not, but it did lead to a pretty deep conversation about relationships and Kenny’s personality while in one. BXTCH side commentary: Kenny seems to be having a difficult time being away from his daughter, which is understandable and heartfelt, but I would be a bit more sympathetic if he were competing for a shit ton of money, enough that would change his daughter’s life for the better (not saying her life isn’t the best right now, just using a hypothetical). But c’mon, he is on a show, hoping to find his forever. And what happens if he is lucky enough to be chosen, somebody’s life is going to have to change and not once have I heard a conversation with him asking Rachel if she would be willing to move to Las Vegas, which is where I assume his daughter is, since he is having a very tough time being away from her. Wouldn’t that be something nice to know before either heart gets too invested? AND, surely he can feel (and witness) that his relationship with Rachel is no where near where Peter and Bryan’s relationship is with her. I think he may be putting too many of his eggs in Rachel’s basket.

ABC doesn’t foreshadow very well, or maybe they do, depending on your outlook. But, during Monday’s group date, the editors of the show made it pretty obvious that Josiah is hanging on by the tips of his fingers, he isn’t aware of this, but as the viewing audience, it was very easy to pick up on. Prior to the Rose Ceremony tonight, he and Matt are having a discussion and it mostly consisted of Josiah needed to have his pride stroked with Matt providing the role of stroker. It ended with Josiah informing Matt that he does believe that he will be the last man standing in the end. Which is equivalent to him signing his walking papers.

Once again, no cocktail party. . .our BXTCH ain’t about wasting time. There are eight guys who are vying for the coveted rose bud but only six to give out. Those with roses going in are: Bryan, Will, and Kenny.

Bryan, 37

Peter, 31

Will, 28

Eric, 29

Alex, 28

Kenny, 35

Dean, 26

Matt, 32

Adam, 27

Josiah, 28

Lee, 30

Anthony, 26

She was pretty upfront prior to the Rose Ceremony, letting the guys basically know that if she’s not feeling it, they have to go. But, even I was shocked when she sent Anthony home. I thought his peaceful nature was very appealing. He kinda just stood in the background and was very observant and I thought they looked good together, obviously she didn’t consult with me, but I would’ve kept him around. I would like to say that I’m sad to see Josiah go, but that would be a lie.

The next adventure has the show going to Denmark. It doesn’t take long for the date card to arrive and for Eric to find out that he is next in line for a one-on-one.

One-on-One Date: “Eric, I’m cOPEN to love. . .” -Rachel | I’m thinking Eric probably creamed his pants when he heard his name read on this date card. And I should probably go full disclosure and tell you BXTCHES that I don’t like Eric, so this portion of the re-cap may be somewhat indignant, but hang tight I will get to the reason why in a bit. Things kick off with Eric meeting Rachel on the docks and some loving is shared. Now, think back to yesterday when I was discussing how good Bryan seemed to be with his tongue, and if he treated the lips on the face with magic, just imagine. . .surely you know where I was going with that. Well, think the exact opposite for Eric. I’m not saying that he is orally challenged, it just looks as if he may have a hard time working the tongue. A boat ride is in order and they use that time to start the process of getting to know one another. We find out that Rachel is looking to have four kiddos, while Eric is wanting to make himself ten. They make their way over to some hot tubs and get some full frontal from one of the locals, Eric declines when the offer is made to him. Once the nighttime arrives, they find themselves partaking in some amusement park fun and while I may not like Eric, Rachel does seem to be having a great time with him. The non-dinner time discussion moves things towards the somber side. When vetting these contestants, ABC must always find at least one who has a ‘I was never loved’ story. . .and this year that honor goes to Eric. He starts by telling Rachel how straight and narrow he walked when he was growing up, no nefariousness. He then moves into how he has never received love and it was his mother that he craved it from the most. He doesn’t go into detail about his relationship with his mom, just that she never really provided love to him or for him. Let’s press pause for one hot minute. Back during episode three, we learned that Eric is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships, but prior to that revelation, when he was having his alone time with Rachel, he confides in her that his whole life he has ran from his feelings and now he is at the point that he just doesn’t know what to do. Rachel then reassured him and all was good. Then when he meets back up around the campfire with Lee and Bryce, the greenness he has when it comes to relationships gets brought up, with no disputes from him. Now, fast forward to tonight’s discussion and the following statement: “As I got older and started to get into relationships with women, every time love would come, I would run.” Hmmm. . .that’s quite startling to learn that in the span of three episodes, his experience with relationships has grown. BXTCH side commentary: Okay, I’m just gonna say it. Eric is not keeping it 100. Just hear me out. . .first there’s the issue of the group date where we learned that he is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships, but then turns around tonight and talks about his previous relationships with Rachel. . .then during that same group date he has a very heart to heart with Rachel about running from his feelings. Now, back during that re-cap, I reminded all about how he is a published author, with two books listed on Amazon and one of those books is titled “100 Days of Wisdom: Wisdom For Life”, where the reader is gifted with daily inspiration and since the book is currently sitting in my Kindle library, get ready to be inspired:

“When you’re full of LOVE nothing can stop you! When negativity screams loud, let your positivity shine. Be at peace with yourself. Find the good in your life. Let no one take your GREATNESS away. HAPPINESS is key, continue to believe.”

“Don’t take for granted the things you love and are passionate about. Find time to make time for those who value your time. Communicate your feelings and be open to learning. No one is perfect, but understanding is key! Stay positive.”

“Stop playing games and be straight forward with your communication. No vague language; honesty is the best policy. If you want something in life, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse. Be clear and speak the truth in a positive way.”

“Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. Let go of hurt and anger and accept people for who they are. Learn to understand yourself more. Don’t bite off more than you can chew and make happiness your true nature. Seize the day!!”

“Live with unconditional love! No fears, no judgement, no expectation. Love is real, love is you, love is me, love is ‘WE!’ Please spread LOVE unconditionally!! Love your people for who they are and not what you think they should be.”

There are of course 95 more quotes I could throw your way, but for the sake of time, I’ll spare you. But I must ask, do these quotes sound like they are from a man who doesn’t know what love feels like because he has never been on the receiving end of it? Or how about someone who runs from his feelings, do these quotes fit that man? In his Author Bio, it does say that Eric came from a broken home and that he had to deal with adversity in the Baltimore streets. In his Acknowledgments, he does thank a lot of friends and family, ending it with “I truly love you all.” So, here’s the conclusion. Either he is lying to Rachel or he is the worst motivational speaker in the world. And since I also took a peek at this other title “Quotes to Shape Your Life”, I’m gonna go with the former, but these books aren’t burning up any bestseller list, so I’m sure the latter ain’t that far off. Whatever the fuck it is he threw Rachel’s way, she bought it, because the rose was pinned and the lips were kissed.

It requires respect, communication, plenty of good doctors that you can contact in the thought about that get viagra no prescription time of an emergency. Avoid excess consumption of alcohol as that tadalafil 5mg online too causes irregular blood pressure. It is not unusual for many men today who are avoiding the dangerous pharmaceutical buy viagra pill options that have many adverse side effects to the users. Stress and order generic cialis depression can also cause ED but to a lesser extent than exaggerated by advertisers. Group Date: “I’ve taken a viking to you guys.” -Rachel. Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Adam get the call, leaving Will the lucky man out and the one to receive the next one-on-one. The guys meet up with Rachel near the water and load it all up on a Viking ship and set sail? There actually were no sails, but they did row the shit out of that boat. The challenge for the day. . .some Viking fighting, what bad could come from that? After first competing in the Viking Games and after they have all been dressed to the nines, I gotta admit, Alex did make the mouth water a bit, it was game time. The first spectacle was the guys attempting to remove a greased stick from Rachel’s hands and unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, though Peter did manage to get his hands on her once again. In the end, the final two with the most Viking in them, were Kenny and Adam. And even though Kenny came out on top, both of the guys wind up with a cut eye. Is it me or does it seem that a lot of these group dates really come down to a battle of ‘who has the largest dick?’ Wouldn’t it be easier to just whip em’ out or at the very least, let Rachel peek in. Oh well, a BXTCH can dream.

It’s time to warm up with some cocktails and more opportunity for Rachel to get to know the guys. Bryan jumps first and immediately says hello with his tongue. Their conversations seem to still be hanging around the ‘is it too good to be true’ idea. She is continuing to conjure up all that can go wrong and he just floats like some Prince, ready to sweep her off her feet. Is it genuine? I have no idea, it is sexy as fuck though. There is a small part of me that can see where her skepticism with Bryan comes from, but the other part just thinks he is so pretty and just, so fucking pretty and he probably already loves her. They do discuss whether or not his family will accept her, the answer. . .yes they will. I still can’t get a read on whether or not she is starting to come around, I feel like the love for him is growing, but there is something that is holding her back that I don’t see when she is with Peter.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel: Now that Eric has had his one-on-one (filled with lies) he can rest easy and offer some sort of advice to Will. We learn during this conversation that Will has really only given his love to those of the Caucasian variety. I don’t think he sees it as a problem, but for some crazy ass reason, Eric advises him to go ahead and let the beautiful black woman know that the only women of late that he has dated, have been as white as the new fallen snow. Great advice. I can certainly now see how motivational speaker and difference maker has been his calling. (insert sarcastic eye roll right here)

It’s Peter’s turn and I must admit, I do get a little giddy whenever the two of them are together. Once again, their conversation is just so easy, to the point that it’s Rachel asking Peter to kiss her. Our girl has got it bad and I’m thinking that there is a large chunk of America that does as well.

Kenny is beginning to struggle. The longer he is away from his daughter, the more reassurance he is needing from Rachel that there is a great possibility that he will be the one. It’s Matt that actually brings Rachel into the loop, but not in a ‘Lee is an asshole’ way, but more out of concern for a friend. When Rachel does sit down with Kenny, it all comes out. Rachel listens and in the end, knowing how important his daughter is to him, the best course of action is to send Kenny home. I do like Kenny, but I also think that this was the right decision and I do think that a friendship was born out of the relationship that they have built. In the end, Peter was given the group date rose and it seems that he is beginning to match Bryan kiss for kiss, ass grab for ass grab, and if the look on Bryan’s face was any indication, he now realizes who his competition is. I would like to go ahead and point out that once again, no one has stepped up with an offer to walk Rachel out.

One-on-One: “Will you be my sweetie?” -Rachel | It’s time to see if Will has got what it takes and he will get that opportunity in Sweden. One of Rachel’s concerns is whenever Will is around her, he seems to clam up, so she is hoping that he lets loose a little. Throughout the date, we get some confessionals from Rachel and really the entire time, she stresses how much more she wants from Will. I think (and you know I am the expert), that her relationships with Bryan and Peter are so electric and passionate, that it’s hard for her when she is with one of the guys and she not getting the same from them. I don’t think Will did anything wrong, he acted like anyone would expect on a first date, it’s just that his first date with Rachel has come after she has not only had dates with the likes of Peter, Bryan, and even Dean, but each and every time that she is alone with them, erections are happening. . .theirs and hers. Just re-visit the hot tub with Peter. Will isn’t going to be able to compete with that. Things don’t improve when they meet up for dinner (but not dinner) and Will decides to inform Rachel of his history with the white girls and that’s when we learn that Rachel’s dating history has been predominantly with black men. Funnily enough, at this point, there are only two black men left, so I’m not too sure what to think about her revelation. Regardless of what I think or believe, Rachel just isn’t feeling it and she decides to send Will back to the good ole’ U. S. of A. You know you are wielding some serious pussy power, when the motherfucker you just broke up with, thanks you and that was delivered AFTER she held the rose in her hand, while telling him it was time to go. That’s my kind of BXTCH.

Color me fucked, ABC is not gonna continue the Rose Ceremony into the next episode. Only one guy goes tonight and she is so torn on her decision, that she has to walk away before the process even begins. The only ones who are safe are Eric and Peter. She does preface the inevitable heartbreak by telling the guys that tonight’s goodbye, is the hardest one yet.

Bryan, 37

Peter, 31

Eric, 29

Dean, 26

Matt, 32

Adam, 27

Kenny, 35

Alex, 28

Will, 28

I know, I know, it broke my heart to see Alex go, and even though Alex was in my top four, Peter and Bryan are in my top two. But look, I have said from the beginning that if Alex didn’t make all the way to the end, maybe we would see him on BIP and he and Kristina could hook-up. That is what I’m crossing my fingers for now.

“What I see in this room is my future. And to those that I have to say goodbye to, I’m so sorry. But, I honestly just don’t see you as my husband.” -Rachel

“If she doesn’t give me a rose, there is something wrong with her brain.” -Josiah

“Can you kiss me?” -Rachel

I think it’s best to move the elephant out of the room and talk about the race thing head on. While I heard Rachel when she told Will that she has mostly dated black men, I’m not sure if I believe that. It’s either she’s fibbing a bit or Nick’s dick did a number on her and she is looking for some repeats. I mean he did give Raven her very first happy ending, so maybe he’s packing something solid gold. I’m having a hard time with the only black guy that’s left being Eric. I don’t make it a secret with how I feel about him (obviously), I’m having a believing that Eric brings more than Anthony. I know that what we see is not what she sees, but it pisses me off that not only did Eric question her genuineness, but also actually had the nerve to ponder if she really wasn’t in it for the black guys. I have a hard time embracing those who just outright lie and that’s where I think Eric is. I have no doubt that his relationship with his mother is rocky or non-existent, but for him to use her lack of love as a way to get closer to Rachel, is a conniving thing to do. He actually discusses karma in one of his books, this may be a good time for him to go and review that chapter. I do worry about the public pressure she will face with only one black guy left in the game. She ain’t gonna get it from me, but I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to make those decisions. However, if ABC was looking for their first black Bachelor, this BXTCH wouldn’t be too mad about Anthony. . .or Will. Something to ponder.

Do we think Bryan is pure in his feelings for Rachel OR do we think that Bryan is auditioning to become the next Bachelor? I gotta say that there is a lot of magnetism when he and Rachel are alone. He is very alpha and very sexy. . .trust, as someone who reads a fuck ton of books, I can easily picture him as one of the leading men. Having said that, I like him a lot, but I may be feeling Peter just a bit more. It’s funny how different they are, one screams ‘making love’ and the other screams ‘I’m about to fuck you up against this wall and in the process I’ll be sure to ruin you for any other guy, because you will be feeling me for days’. Regardless of how different they are, Rachel has amazing chemistry with both. Is there such a thing as “Brother Husbands” because maybe that’s the way to go, not to mention how great that reality show would be.

I’ve done my research with this franchise and I am well aware of the fact that contestants on The Bachelor are responsible for their own hair and make-up. Which would explain a lot of the white girl weave problems and let’s face facts, the longer we make it into the season, the more of a hot mess they are. I also know that when the woman gets relegated to be the star of the show, she no longer has to fuss over all of that nonsense, there are actually people there to do it for her. And if I’m on the truth train already, I might as well give props where they are due. Rachel seems to be someone who holds a lot of natural beauty, but whoever it is that is touching her up with a pretty stick and making sure her wardrobe is on fleek (did I use that right?), is doing a great job because our girl is fine. I’m saying all of this to get to my next point. I think that ABC should offer the girls of The Bachelor a couple of days prior to the start of filming some classes on how to complete the look. I’m not saying provide hair and make-up each episode, but for starters, you guys have got to let some of these girls make their way to a salon at some point during the season. Those weaves are not going to re-sew themselves and there ain’t nothing wrong with bringing someone in and showing the women how to best use make-up that’s the most camera friendly. Throw em’ a bone or I guess even better. . .a blending sponge.

There is no episode on Monday 7/3, which is why I’m sure ABC got two in this week. Be sure to tune in however, because things are tensing up and we are down to six, which means hometowns are right around the corner.

Also, I am breaking my Big Brother cherry, I just hope pain is not involved. I will be doing some episode re-caps, fingers crossed, so stay tuned for those.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN

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The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Four Re-Cap | June 19, 2017

By Merrie J | June 21, 2017 - 2:35 pm |June 21, 2017 The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Four Re-Cap | 06.19.17
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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I don’t know how we actually got through the last week, we didn’t have Rachel and the drama filled angst that her boys bring every Monday to kick it off. . .we had to be satisfied instead with the NBA and the boys from Cali celebrating in their victory, and c’mon let’s face it, that was anti-climatic at best. . .totally expected and left me not quite satisfied. And in other news, you BXTCHES know we’re gonna have to talk about the shit that’s going down on BIP and I will most definitely get to it, but it won’t be until Final Thoughts, so hold off on your happy ending until then. This week’s episode of The Bachelorette almost puts The Young and the Restless to shame, that’s how soapy it was. During/after Jojo’s season, I remember thinking how much more bat shit crazy the guys are than the girls. And unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you like your dick cooked), Jojo’s season wasn’t an anomaly, Rachel’s boys did their homework and are coming at us, full on bitch-mode. These motherfuckers could have their own reality show on the Lifetime network. Since we missed a week, let’s do a quick re-cap. . .

Last Week On: DeMario asked for another chance and our Queen said “Hell to the Naw!” (R.I.P. Whitney). . .the hot mess that was brought to us by Blake and Lucas got sent home, but not before a pseudo fight that could’ve and would’ve been put to shame by third graders (and that’s probably an insult to all of those trekking through the elementary school life). . .we got to watch some beautiful things go down on Ellen, which only proved that there is a Bachelor/ette god somewhere and wishes are granted, Fred did get sent home on that group date, because according to Rachel, kissing him was like kissing a boy, surely that deflated his dick. . .Eric begins the obligatory freak out, the one every season brings, thinking that Rachel is going to “Fred” him and that just opens a whole box of crazy that continues into tonight’s episode. . .we got visits from some of Rachel’s besties from last season and we also got some pretty intense mud wrestling. Fun times. We also got hit with another “To Be Continued”. . .

This Week On: They’re headed to Hilton Head, SC and this week will give us (2) one-on-one dates and (1) group date. Though the second one-on-one won’t come until next week.

Tonight we are continuing the cocktail party from last week and for a quick reminder, date roses were given to: Alex, Anthony, and Eric. Unfortunately, we pick up right where we left off and that’s with a bunch of men arguing like a bunch of (insert whatever descriptor fits here). Lordy lou, I hope these guys never get a good blowie again. Truth is, I’m not really on anyone’s team, my favorites aren’t even engaging in the nonsense, BUT. . .I can’t even consider Lee’s position anymore, given what I now know about him and not that I’m a violence oriented gal, but that body slam Kenny put on his ass last week, is starting to make my toes curl. In the end, nothing got solved, Eric gave us a “You do you, Imma do me” shout out, and I have come to the conclusion that when it comes time to show off some prowess in the bedroom, these are the type of guys that poke around hoping to hit the right hole, finishing right after beginning, and then blame the woman for not getting hers when she had the chance. In other words, they’re a bunch of chumps. But, let’s keep telling the story. . .when Kenny sits down with Rachel, it doesn’t take long for Lee to try and cut their conversation short, Kenny asks for sixty more seconds, Lee hears sixteen and actually stands off to the side and counts, like the small-minded fool he is. On a side note: First, when did manners become non-existent? And, for all of these contestants who think it’s cute to impede on someone else’s discussion. . .do you think that’s sexy? Do you think it causes her nipples to stand at attention or make her loins quiver? Just once, I would like to see one of the Bachelor/ettes say “Do you hear me talking? It is rude to interrupt, now you get to go to the end of the line.” Besides being a racist, small dick asshole, we know that Lee is an aspiring country music singer and given the romantic nature of the show and the fact that there is probably a lot of alone/down time, Lee could’ve whipped up some verses that would’ve had Rachel dying to move up the date of the Fantasy Suites and even if he’s not skilled enough in coming up with the right words, he could’ve crooned his favorite tune (surely he knows who Conway is) and had her going in to thank him with her tongue. . .but not Lee, he interrupted Kenny so he could show Rachel that he carved the word ‘enchanting’ into a piece of wood with a knife that belonged to his grandfather. Remember the third graders I spoke of earlier? They do more intricate projects in art class. . .JFC, there is no way that this idiot has ever looked a pussy in the eye, I’m assuming he still calls his mother whenever the wind blows and his dick begins to tent. . .Dean may have Lee figured out. . .“The only people that I’ve seen Lee pick fights with have been not the people that uh, he’s used to seeing on a daily basis, from a cultural perspective.” The producer then asks “What do you mean?” to which Dean responds with “You know exactly what I mean when I say that. The longer Lee sticks around the more everyone will become aware of his intolerance.” Dean has just shot up my list.

Ahhh Bryan (that’s me swooning). He may be putting on a show, but Good Lawdy Miss Clawdy he is good, because I’m all in. Rachel does call him out a tiny bit, she tells him that his charm scares her or rather his use of it. She thinks it’s too good to be true, he thinks it’s a fairy tale and he then lays on the reassurances, then lays on the lips and all of the fear is forgotten. Kenny gets more and more “salty” (his description, not mine) the longer he sits and marinates in Lee and makes the decision to have himself a chit chat with the wood whittler. A chit chat that gets fully blown into wrestling match of the yelling kind. One that gets so loud, Rachel and Bryce get interrupted. And the craziness mixed with the drama of the night, has Rachel discouraged. During her confessional she breaks down about the pressures that the experience is bringing and how in the end she will be the one judged for the decisions that she makes. Since the cocktail party has deflated quickly, Rachel makes the decision to just get on with the Rose Ceremony and put some out of their misery, sooner rather than later.

Bryan, 37

Peter, 31

Will, 28

Jack, 32

Iggy, 30

Eric, 29

Jonathan, 31

Alex, 28

Kenny, 35

Dean, 26

Matt, 32

Anthony, 26

Josiah, 28

Lee, 30

Adam, 27

Kenneth “Diggy”, 31

Brady, 29

Bryce, 30

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As you can very well tell, Lee keeps ticking on. . .and maybe this BXTCH is reading too much into it, but when she gives him the very last rose, it was with reluctance. This is why I can’t get on board with the idea of buying your groceries online, then going to pick them up. I don’t want anyone picking out my apples, so I definitely couldn’t get behind someone picking out my dick. No way, I need to be the one who examines it and feels it out for bad spots and any signs of spoilage. That way when I take a big ole’ bite out of it and the taste it just not right, I ain’t got no one to blame but me.

The ones left head off to South Carolina and check into their resort and in true Gag Me With a Spoon fashion (yes, I did take a trip to 1982 and brought that back as a souvenir), stand on the balcony while crying out “Rachel!!!”. . .my vagina just dried up faster than the Sahara. The date card arrives and everyone is jonesing at the chance for the first one-on-one away from LA. But, Dean is the only one that gets that privilege and his date starts almost immediately after the card is read. BXTCH side commentary: It’s almost comical to watch how stressed the guys get over not being knighted with a date and I’m sure it does something not so great to a man’s ego when they are forced to watch someone walk away hand in hand with the girl that makes you feel all tingly. But, here’s my take. The ones that Rachel is picking right now are the ones that she needs sequestered time with, just to make sure that there is a spark there. Dean is the youngest of the bunch at 25. Rachel is 31, so my guess is, she is just looking to be reassured that his age isn’t gonna pose a problem.

One-on-One Date: Dean, “Our love is about to take off.” -Rachel. The date starts with a little picnic and during that interaction, a blimp flies overhead and we quickly learn that the next phase of the date is going to be a ride in the blimp, we also learn that Dean is terrified of heights, so this should be an adventure. While I felt Dean’s trepidation in boarding the blimp, I don’t think I could have, however, I must admit that the views were pretty spectacular. Rachel and Dean got the opportunity to sit in the driver’s seat and the cherry on top of the sundae was when the blimp flew by the resort, announcing to the other guys that “Rachel and Dean are in here” and “Rachel and Dean 4 Eva”, it didn’t sit well with the others. Rachel and Dean’s discussion flew very organically and even the kiss was natural, so as much as the guys were hoping that Dean’s age was gonna come into play, so far he’s killing it.

The crew went out of their way for the nighttime portion of this date. It is so picturesque that one couldn’t help but start to fall. Even though I know that we are only four episodes in, but so far the “get to know you” convos that are happening during the one-on-ones are right on point. Dean and Rachel talk about how they grew up, which leads to a very depressing story about how breast cancer claimed Dean’s mom when he was just 15, it was a very sad Terms of Endearment moment, but one that brought Rachel and Dean closer together. Of course he gets the rose and the kiss. Doing what ABC seems to do best during some of these dates. . .promotion, Russell Dickerson gets the nod. Which I guess the tactic works, because even this BXTCH looked him up. The song is Yours and is from his yet to be released debut album. I am not a fan of the concert with the couple dancing on a platform for all to see and take pictures of and record BUT it got the job done because Dean confesses that he is starting to fall in love and that it was the best date he has ever been on. I would like to use this time to point out that Lee wouldn’t even need a concert to go off to, he could’ve put on his own private show. . .for one. . .but decided to be a whiny little bitch instead. Well played ABC, well played.

Group Date: “I wanted to see who was ready for commitment.” -Rachel. Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah meet Rachel on the docks and get ready for what I’m sure is going to be a very interesting date. I mean they are going to board a boat, so I wouldn’t be surprised if someone gets chunked into the water. The date starts off with a dance line of sorts, one that was not impressive in the least, it border lined on embarrassing when Jonathan aka Tickle Monster showed us his moves. When Peter gave Rachel her Titanic moment (without the boat sinking and death and the depressing stuff), I think it started to dawn on the other guys just how crazy good their chemistry is. She already had them take off their shirts, well most of them anyway, Josiah tried to show off by doing some push-ups, Kenny pulled out his inner rapper which was countered by Peter doing the same. Now, I’m no hip-hop expert and I think it takes some nerve to just stop and freestyle and I’m not even going to critique either one, but when Peter steps up to channel his inner Vanilla Ice, I would’ve went with Eminem, but trust a BXTCH when she tells you it wasn’t even close. . .this is the look on Rachel’s face.

We all know what that look means and it has nothing to do with words coming out of his mouth and more to do with what she is wanting to put in hers. That girl wants some of Peter’s jiggle juice. The rap was horrible and somewhat adorable at the same time. . .it could not have been easy for that white boy to lay down some rhymes, he used the word ‘fart’ for crying out loud. I feel like this portion of the date would have been much more effective if they would’ve just dropped trou and pulled out a ruler. But now it’s time for the intellect portion of the date. . .the Spelling Bee. When that bomb was dropped, you could easily pick out the ones who knew they were not going to last long. Let’s just get to who was eliminated and on what word:

Kenny-champagne (champange)

Iggy-boudoir (bourdeaux)

Eric-Facade (physde)

Peter-Coitus (quicui)-he didn’t even get to finish (no pun intended)

Anthony-boutonniere (boutenere)

Will-physiological (psy) he didn’t get to finish either

That left Josiah the winner of the spelling bee and what I’m assuming he believes to be, a direct road to wedded bliss. Now it’s time for the night to descend upon us and for the drama to commence. Peter is up and turns on the romance (yum!). We do learn that Rachel liked Peter’s freestylin’ skills (I really just think she LIKES Peter and it wouldn’t have mattered what words came out of his mouth, she was gonna eat em up). Rachel prefers bare feet when she is home, Peter does as well. We also learn that Peter is willing to install heated hardwood floors just so her feet stay warm. The discussion moves to who would move where (it’s chemistry y’all) and both would be willing to relocate and this is also where we learn that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin (hello, someone has given this thought) and that Rachel really likes kissing Peter. We also learn at this juncture that me and my sisters are on the same page with Peter. . .we love him so much. Her one-on-one time with Eric was interesting to say the least, speaking of learning (we’re doing a lot of that tonight), this is where we learn that our girl is drunk and Eric is not easing into any sort of relationship. . .he is still very uncomfortable around her and his flop sweat is putting that all on display. Every time Iggy gets his chance, he becomes the cover of OK! Magazine. I’m wondering if he is a mole, just put there to report back to Rachel of what is happening with the guys, because once again. . .he’s about to update. Iggy now brings Josiah to the conversation, telling Rachel that not all is what it seems where the Spelling Bee champ is concerned. Iggy justifies his actions by telling Rachel how protective he is of her AND I have yet to witness any sort of intimacy between the two of them. . .ohhh, maybe I’m not far off with the mole idea. And to add kerosene to an already raging inferno, Iggy rats himself out once he returns to the guys. When Josiah goes off on his rant to the camera, we learned (very educational episode) that Iggy does drugs and shoots steroids into his testicles (according to Josiah), so that should be some fun times in the bedroom. Lee starts his discussion with how positive he is, so much so that some believe that it comes across as Lee being disingenuous (spoiler alert: it does), but it doesn’t take long for Kenny vs. Lee to be brought up. I think at this point, someone in the house should be the designated newsletter, it would make it so much easier to have everything summed up in clear, concise sentences. He tells Rachel how aggressive Kenny was towards him, which leads Rachel to having a discussion with Kenny. It starts off well, he wows her with another rap, that has Rachel smiling from ear to ear, however, it doesn’t take long for her to bring up the drama. He does admit to not handling the whole situation the right way and as he is making the best effort to ease Rachel’s mind, it’s Bryan’s turn and Kenny’s chance to clear up anything is over. Kenny walks away from the discussion believing that Rachel is on Lee’s side, because apparently one of his many gifts is the ability to read people and after reading Rachel, that is the conclusion. The frustration is rolling off of him in waves and Lee is about to get the brunt of it all. And that’s all she wrote, because as what seems like is now tradition, we will finish next week. BUT, we do get two days, so stay tuned AND we finally get to understand why it is that ABC has kept Lee around, there will be a two-on-one and it will be Kenny vs. Lee. Who you got?

“I just think Lee’s kind of a . . .bitch?” -Dean

“If I come back with the group date rose, I honestly think I’ll be in the final two.” -Josiah

“With all due respect, Iggy’s a bitch.” -Josiah

“Quirks are um, they go in a wine bottle.” -Jack

“That’s a cork.” -Dean and Brady

“Okay, Jesus.” -Kenny

We’ve gotta talk about Rachel’s breakdown during the Rose Ceremony. I know that this is just some reality dating show that is molded to fit the needs of a network, but you can’t help but have sympathy for Rachel. Her being the first black Bachelor/ette is a huge deal. This season is almost like a pilot for ABC, if it doesn’t work, if the ratings aren’t where they need to be, then it will be vanilla from here on out and that failure will fall onto Rachel’s shoulders, warranted or not. There is no way that some of these guys were the best of the best. . .and the best is what she deserved. I feel like the powers that be gave into the pressures of having a black lead, but would be damned if they were going to make it easy for her. One of her concerns is what people will say about her and how they will judge her for the decisions that she makes. You can translate that to mean whatever you want. . .I did, and here’s what I think. She is feeling pressure each time she sends anyone home, but especially a black contestant. Out of the 15 remaining guys, only 5 are black. . .that’s 1/3 of the pool and much more than what would usually be in the running, so points are scored. I just believe that she thinks that there is one particular audience that is looking for her to lean more towards the interracial side of picking her partner because she was on Nick’s season and that must be what she prefers or what they think she prefers. Then another audience will want her leaning more towards the African-American side of choosing her hubby, because a message would certainly be sent that not only could she hold her own as the lead, but her co-star of color, is shining bright also. This is why I’m furious over the whole Lee debacle. I don’t read spoilers, so I have no idea who comes out on top next week, but can we imagine for one second if she picks Lee over Kenny? How humiliating for her. . .I know she has no idea the kind of vile that Lee represents, but that’s a moot point. . .she has now kept a racist around for four episodes. . .shame on you ABC for not doing a better job on his background. Now back to our regular drama, do we think Lee will show up for the Men Tell All?

Sexual assault has become an issue on the forefront in this country recently, as it should be. And with the latest scandal coming out of BIP, it has forced us to see things through a different lens. In the effort of full disclosure, I should confess the following. I am of the mind set that a woman (or man) can spread their goodwill all over and that should not ever factor in to a case of assault. I am also of the belief that a woman (or man) could strut their stuff naked as the day they were born and it has no bearing on the “they were asking for it” argument. I also think that unfortunately, alcohol sometimes will play too big a role in what the expectations were between two individuals. Having said all of that, I can honestly confess that I don’t know which side of the argument I believed when this story first came out. I read the reports that were out there and when it came to light that alcohol was a key player in the activities that went down, my first thought was “Corinne did get really intoxicated on Nick’s season”, which then I had to mentally slap myself for, because that is the usual defense against a female and I refuse to be a player in that game. Then when the reports started to reveal more, things like. . .though Corinne felt that she was violated, she didn’t necessarily blame DeMario because he was intoxicated as well. . .Corinne went on a show, known for its hook-ups, all the while having a boyfriend back home. . .once the show tried to cut her off, Corinne didn’t take that particular order well. . .Corinne and DeMario both need to own their parts in this fiasco, but I do believe that the show/ABC needs to bear some of the responsibility as well. It is rumored that they wanted a Corinne and DeMario hookup, given their status of “villain” on their respective seasons. It’s also no secret that they continue to ply and ply these contestants with copious amounts of alcohol, all in the name of entertainment. I’m not sure what the eventual expectation was, this was a dangerous game that was going to catch up to them at some point. But here is my real concern, and I may be going against all things vagina, but hear me out. This whole debacle has somewhat become a double edge sword. I do believe that things got a bit escalated between Corinne and DeMario, I also believe that alcohol was the main “I can do anything” factor that allowed them both to lower their inhibitions and go for it. But what is it that caused Corinne to cry violation? Once she was sober, did she realize her fuck up and felt the need for a story to tell her boyfriend? Did she remember the flack she caught on The Bachelor and didn’t want to deal with name calling? Did it dawn on her that she just let a man work out her ladyboner, a man who all but embarrassed who was supposed to be her girl? Here in lies the problem. As a society we slut shame way too much. So what if Corinne wanted to climb DeMario and any other guy on that show like a tree? So what if she put her goodies out for all to see? Is it that, that really bothers us or is it the fact that not only can she do it, she looks good doing it? See, I don’t support or agree with her decision to call foul on the play, she should’ve owned up to what she did and told us all to fuck off, but haven’t we become the society that kinda forces lies to be told? Even I somewhat criticized the way she was with Nick, I liked her, I could see her entertainment value, but it was difficult for me to watch her in a bounce house working his dick like a stripper pole. But why? It shouldn’t have been, we should celebrate women who can be so free with themselves, instead of tearing them down and shaming them for living a life different than our own. And if reports are true and the production crew really did believe that something nefarious was going down, then they should’ve stepped in to stop things immediately. According to the new reports, after a detailed investigation, no wrong doing has been discovered and this is where I actually do have some beef with Corinne. Girl, word of advice from one BXTCH to another, if you are so far gone that you can’t even remember if you enjoyed the dick (or the tongue), then you need to get yourself a spotter. One that will pull you out of any compromised situation you may find yourself in. If that’s not an option, then stop consuming alcohol when there’s a possibility that you may go all cowgirl on someone, it’s obvious that you are someone who would do better sipping some sweet tea when you got your eyes set on having fun in a bounce house. As far as DeMario goes, I may not like the dude, but he is really taking an unnecessary and unfair beating and while I may not understand the lawsuits being thrown around, I understand DeMario’s more than I do Corinne’s. There’s lessons to be learned all around here, from all parties involved and that includes the viewing audience. We watch these shows for entertainment and we think we are well within our rights to throw down the insults and maybe we are. . .but let this be a lesson to how we approach our Twitter accounts from now on. You can actually read about the timeline of events here.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . . 7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN

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Tagged #itsrealitybxtches, ABC Mondays, Bachelor in Paradise scandal, BachelorNation, Episode four re-cap, Lee Garrett, Rachel Lindsay, The Bachelorette 2017

The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Three Re-Cap | 06.05.17

By Merrie J | June 7, 2017 - 11:43 am |June 7, 2017 The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Three Re-Cap | 06.05.17
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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Tonight’s episode is a great reminder that when you assemble a group of men, all vying for the same woman, the cattiness is worse than a season of The Real Housewives. . .I was gonna call the guys a bunch of pussies, but that is an insult to those of us with a pussy and the word bitch just doesn’t hit as hard. Remember when the Disney Channel did a mashup of some of their more popular shows and titled it “That’s So Suite Life of Hannah Montana”? I’m telling you ABC should get together with NBC and run some shows together, I’m convinced we wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

Last Week On: Once again, ABC left us all on a cliffhanger and not just hanging off any ole’ cliff either, DeMario shows back up at the mansion, wanting a moment of Rachel’s time and once we find out that Rachel is going to grant him his final wish and once we see the guys running around telling one another that “DeMario is back”. . .we get hit with a To Be Continued. . .ABC is killing me.

This Week On: Tonight we get the Rose Ceremony that we should’ve gotten last week, and yes, it seems that the days of ending the show with a Rose Ceremony may be long gone, we are also gonna get (2) group dates and (1) one-on-one date. Let’s get to it.

It may seem that Rachel’s decision to hear DeMario out isn’t gonna sit well with the other guys or America for that matter, but she does say that she feels that “out of respect” she “should give DeMario a chance to explain himself”. Here’s how it went down. . .he admits to fucking up and apologizes for not “keeping it real”, he’s hoping to regain her trust and get the opportunity to earn a rose. On a side note: I think it would’ve been hilarious to let him back in, get some heat from the guys, let him line up and anticipate the rose, then leave him wanting. I know, it’s a bit mean, but he was a bit of an ass to both Rachel and Lexi. While this convo is going down, the men are in the middle of their own deliberations. With one guy actually saying “If she let’s him back in, I ain’t talking to him” take that DeMario. Most are really just concerned that he is going to smooth talk his way back into the mansion. DeMario hits her with his favorite quote “In order to experience joy, you need pain” which he realized while he tossed and turned in bed the night before. . .that DeMario is pretty deep. . .his Uber driver that night also told him to not take no for an answer, so I’m sure DeMario really did think that everything was lining up for him, too bad he wasn’t reading any body language clues that our girl was throwing out, because if he was even the least bit attuned to her attitude, he would’ve turned around and said “you know what, I’m just gonna go hit Lexi up”. But, the asshat was definitely not going down without a fight, he even threw his own hail Mary when he told Rachel “when I met you, my entire life changed”. . .then Rachel got her turn and she did not disappoint. In a nutshell, she told him the following and it’s not a direct quote, I’m paraphrasing: “Look motherfucker, I need a man and what you did yesterday was some high school bullshit. We are fucking adults and when life throws you between a rock and a hard place, you couldn’t even grow a dick and be honest with me, even when I gave you a shit ton of chances to explain yourself, you still acted like a bitch and lied, because if you would’ve been forthright with me and were able to admit your fault, you would be lining up with the hope of getting a rose tonight, but you continued to deceive. So, take one good long last look motherfucker, you like what you see? Because you will never have the chance to taste these lips again or any part of my luscious body for that matter. . .I’m saving that shit for a man, not a boy. But I’m glad you have had some sort of epiphany, but you’re gonna have to share that shit with next idiot, because that ain’t me.” Not a “direct” quote from Rachel, but that was the gist of what was said. At that point, I along with what I’m sure is the rest of America, gave a big “praise be” to Jesus, because if she would’ve even looked like she was giving that fucker another chance, this post would certainly be headed in an entirely different direction.

Let’s get to the cocktail party. First, if we thought the guys had it hard for Rachel pre-DeMario smackdown, that’s nothing compared to how they feel now. I’m surprised they didn’t start a circle jerk while reciting all the things about Rachel that makes their nips hard. While I don’t disagree with the guys, I too think Rachel is great and I know we are only three episodes in thus far, but the girl is bringing it, but then Jonathan comes along with some fucking creepy giant hands, (and I do mean giant) she is laughing like Chris Rock is giving her a private stand up show, it was weird Rachel, not funny. And I can’t tell if it’s a sympathy laugh or if she was genuinely moved. Any guy who lists “tickle monster” as his occupation would have me on high alert, but when the same guy attempts to come at me with giant hands, then he has got to go. What I find interesting about Rachel and Jonathan’s interactions are, he seems to voluntarily be putting himself into the friend zone, she didn’t kiss him during their time together and he didn’t even make a move, she hugged him. He is so worried about making her laugh, he’s forgetting to share discussions that would lead them to get to know one another better and maybe turn her on a bit . And. . .where in the fuck did he get these hands? Alex solved a rubiks cube (mostly solved) while they talked and Kenny whipped out pictures of his daughter. Will slam dunked on a toddlers basketball goal, but he did move in and get himself a kiss, so I suppose his skills with the ball were impressive. When Lucas gets his chance, Rachel seems about as comfortable as one is in stirrups at the gyno. The inner dialogue that must be working over time in her head has got to be fantastic. Once again, instead of Lucas using the moment to talk to Rachel and really show her a side of himself that she could get on board with, he turns the direction towards Blake. I will say that it appeared to me that Lucas was slowly starting to cross over the “I’ve had just enough drinks that I’m feeling good and I still sound like a responsible adult” line to the “I’m probably gonna need to throw up later and chances are I won’t make it to the toilet and will wind up sleeping in my own vomit” line. When Lucas brings up the exchange that Blake had with Rachel regarding Lucas, Lucas does tell Rachel that he is not too sure why it is that Blake doesn’t like him, it could be possible that Blake has a crush on him because one night Blake was standing over Lucas’ bed, holding a banana while licking it. I would like to tell you that I just made that up, but unfortunately that’s not the case, that was an actual story that Lucas told Rachel. When Rachel had her time with Blake, of course the banana topic came up, Blake immediately shot it down as it not being true because he is on a ketogenic diet and doesn’t eat carbs. And while I think that his excuse is pretty good, I would question anyone going on this type of show on that type of diet. That really hampers some activity that could go down. The important thing to remember is that once again, Blake used his time to talk about Lucas (more on that relationship in my final thoughts). So, that was all ABC was willing to show us and I am pissed. Who the fuck cares about giant hands and licking bananas? I wanna see Bryan going in to say “hi” with his tongue or let’s see if the chemistry is still there with Peter. C’mon ABC, I don’t tune in for this petty bullshit (well, I don’t only tune in for that). . .I want to see some electricity. Man I never thought I would see the day that I’m actually missing Corinne and her whipped cream.

Bryan, 37

Peter, 31

Will, 28

Jack, 32

Iggy, 30

Eric, 29

Jonathan, 31

Bryce, 30

Alex, 28

Kenny, 35

Dean, 26

Matt, 32

Anthony, 26

Brady, 29

Josiah, 28

Lee, 30

Kenneth “Diggy”, 31

Fred, 27

Adam, 27

DeMario, 30

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Blake, 31

Lucas, 30

Jamey, 32

During their exit interviews, the ketogenic ass and the Whaboom d-bag have a confrontation and it is pretty pathetic, my two nieces (who are 8 and 9 months old) could’ve had an argument that would have put those two to shame and they can’t even speak. There is no way that their parents are laying claim to those two after that sad exchange of insults.

Group Date #1: Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred. . .“Lights, Camera, Action. Come join me on the set of Ellen.” Okay BXTCHES, surely that doesn’t need to be translated. When Rachel tells Ellen that Jonathan tickled her coming out of the limo, Ellen spoke the words we were all thinking “I don’t like that. I don’t like that. That’s a horrible thing. Why is he still here?” All of them are going to participate on the show, but Rachel first gets to sit down with Ellen for an interview. Ellen asks Rachel is she has kissed any of the guys yet and she answers with “I have. It was completely unexpected. It totally swept me off my feet. And uh, it was good. It was good.” Let’s be real here, I’m pretty sure she was speaking of Bryan-maybe Peter-but most likely Bryan. What was even more interesting is Jonathan being surprised by the fact that Rachel has kissed any of the guys-“Hi, my name is Jonathan and I’ve been moved to the friend zone.”. The guys are then introduced and are asked to remove the shirts and give out some lap dances. So, thank you Ellen for that peek at some pretty delicious eye candy, we were not disappointed. Maybe disappointed by some of the dancing, but not by the looking. . .Alex actually gave a grandma a lap dance, so kudos to him for not inducing a heart attack, his thrusts were working over time. It’s now time for some Never Have I Ever. . .we learn that none of the guys have ever hit on another woman while on a date with someone else, Peter and Alex are the only two who have never thought about having sex with Rachel, which means that somewhere in the confines of that big ass mansion, Fred, Bryan, Jonathan, and Will have all rubbed one out while fantasies of Rachel have flitted through their imagination. Hopefully these emissions were all done solo. Alex has actually peed in the pool at the mansion, but in his defense, he does claim that he was by himself and it was mid workout when that took place. When it comes to who has texted nude selfies. . .Peter, Will, and Alex are guilty. Fred has hooked up with a woman twice his age, he was 21 and she was around 40. And Ellen learns that Fred has actually met Rachel before coming on to The Bachelorette. . .so once again, Fred’s 8 year old self, is continuing to cock block his 27 year old self. Fred, Jonathan, and Alex are the only three guys who has yet to feel Rachel’s lips on their own and in his confessional, Fred goes a bit on the crazy side and actually confesses the following. . .“This girl is so deeply rooted, like in my soul-in my soul, that I can’t even go a day or go to sleep or wake up, without thinking about her. It’s not the same for me I think as it is for everyone else. It’s a little bit deeper.” First. . .Rachel, go ahead and trust those instincts that your 12 or 13 year old self felt all those years ago, you need run away from this guy and fast. Second, I do think he should hook-up with Jasmine, crazy tends to attract crazy, those two could be a match made in. . .well, somewhere.

It’s now time for Rachel to enjoy cocktails and conversations and Alex is up first. He confesses to Rachel that she makes him nervous and she confesses to him that she loves that he shows a different layer to his personality each time they’re together. He does get his kiss and it probably would’ve been pretty sexy if he wasn’t sweating so profusely. Bryan lays it on, I feel that if he is somewhere living in a fantasy of what would Rachel look like laying underneath him. . .she is somewhere wondering the same thing. Their chemistry to this point seems like it is mostly sexual, but good Lord, it is fun to watch. Just when you’re thinking that this show may end in a Bryan + Rachel engagement, in swoops Peter and you’re left wondering how these two will ever live without one another. Meanwhile, Fred is a bit blown away with how many guys have already kissed her, so he decides the best way to not feel weird about that fact is to take a small survey and ask each of the guys who has laid one on Rachel. . .yeah, that won’t crush your ego. And he believes that because a guy has already kissed her, their relationship with Rachel is miles ahead of his, which makes me wonder what kind of experience he actually has with relationships. He does confess that he has been waiting for about 20 years to kiss her (girl, you better tie up those running shoes) and once Rachel and Peter have given their lips a pretty decent workout, Fred may get his chance after all. But when the conversation starts, it seems to only revolve around. . .kissing Rachel, who has kissed Rachel, how surprised he was to learn how many have kissed Rachel, and the opportunity to kiss Rachel. Now, in my mind I’m thinking that this is probably not going to be the best time to really display how sensual he is with his lips, he has waited 20 years, what’s a couple more days? But then he starts talking about the right time and the right moment, he then asks for permission to kiss Rachel. . .which in theory isn’t a horrible idea, but usually if you’re on a date with someone and the moment feels right, then make your move. . .you’ll know if it was the right decision. All Fred did was make an awkward moment even more so, and when he went in for the kill. . .it even made me cringe in embarrassment for him. The only thing on Rachel that moved were her lips, her arms didn’t caress him, her leg didn’t start thumping. . .but it seemed to shake Fred to his core. That kiss spurred visions of tuxedos and white gowns and weddings. Oh, mylanta. If a kiss can conjure up those visions, just imagine what he would’ve thought had he been lucky enough to do a mattress jig with her, he may not have come out alive. Unfortunately. . .things are not going to end well for Fred and his dreams of marrying his childhood crush. Rachel meets back up with the guys, picks up the rose, and asks for some more alone time with Fred. Or as Rachel called him “Frederick”. When she legal named him, he should’ve known that things weren’t going to end all that great, that was most likely the camp counselor coming out of her. Rachel admits that she has been more focused on their past, more than she has been in any kind of future that they could have, but she “keeps it real” when she tells him that she is unable to reciprocate the feelings that he is putting out there. She actually confessed (not to Frederick, but to the cameras) that kissing him was like kissing a boy. I really hope that Fred is watching this from wherever it is that he lives, alone, because that’s not gonna be easy see or hear. It’s only when the guys see Fred getting into a car that they realize he isn’t the recipient of the group date rose. That honor would be bestowed upon Alex. On a side note: It was refreshing to see these guys come together on a group date and have absolutely no conflict. They seemed to get along and talk with one another like the adults that they pretend to be.

We are now back at the mansion, the day after the group date and now Eric is bugging a bit. He’s worried that Rachel is going to “Fred” him. From what I can gather, Eric is starting to become emotionally invested in Rachel, but is not feeling that same type of vibe from her. He feels that she is “emotionally unavailable”. He has also never been in a real relationship before, so in his beginners mind, he thinks it’s a pretty good idea to seek Bryan out for advice and in all fairness, Bryan was helpful, but Bryan did remind us viewers that Rachel has no problems opening up to him. . .so where does the issue really lie? It is recommended that Eric just confront it head on and lay it all out for Rachel and hopefully that will start the road to Rachel and Eric having some sort of connection. BXTCH side commentary: This is for Eric. Look, if you have never been in a real relationship before, you are starting in the wrong place. Luck (and probably science) will tell you that you are bound to fuck up lots during your first real relationship, which is why most people go down that road in their teens or at the very latest, their early 20’s. . .dude, you’re 29. And I’m not really critical of you never committing yourself to another prior to now. . .what I’m concerned about is the fact that there isn’t really a lot of time for a learning curve. . .in six weeks. . .with 20+ other men all after the same woman. You probably should’ve put a little more experience under your heart first. I’m not saying it won’t work out, but if you have any hope of becoming her eternal, you are going to have to relax a little bit more and stop seeking advice from the one guy in the house who has kissed her the most.

So, the one-on-one date seems to have been awarded to Anthony and I didn’t learn this from the date card, I actually never witnessed the opening of the card, so the show just kicked right into their date. Look here, Bachelorette crew, I understand that Rachel is from the Lone Star State and there is some sort of misconception that everyone rides around on horses while sporting boots and cowboy hats, but as someone from the state of Texas and someone from the DFW area, we don’t get from place to place with our asses planted on a saddle. First, it’s too fucking hot here for that kind of nonsense and second, there is no second. . .it’s too fucking hot is reason enough. So, I’m not sure what kind of date this was supposed to be and why, but two people on horseback, riding not only down Rodeo Dr. (cute play on words by the way), but also into stores, while still sitting atop an equine, did nothing for my arousal, in fact, I think I may now be impotent. But regardless of how I feel, let’s get to the date. Anthony has never been on a horse before, so it could be interesting. They mosey on in some store so they can complete the ridiculousness and add boots and hats to the look, and while Anthony is busy saying “It feels right”, let me tell you a little secret. . .it didn’t look right. The best thing about the date was when they stopped by some sort of cupcake ATM machine, that’s actually a pretty genius idea. They gallup into another store and pick up some type of lettermen jacket and things are going swell until on of the horses takes a pretty big dump on the floor of the store, I really hope someone from ABC had to clean that shit up. Once they dismount, they do a bit of (terrible) two-stepping, could this date be any more cliché? Thank goodness the night date makes up for the crazy day date. They get to enjoy drinks overlooking the city. . .it looked like maybe some sort of make-out point. . .it was really beautiful. We learned that Anthony feels that he is an old soul, he is the oldest child and feels that he had a wonderful childhood and really hopes to put good things out into the world and pay it forward. The conversation flowed very well between them and even as corny as it was with riding the horses, they both seemed to really have fun on the date, which is really what matters, regardless of what this BXTCH believes. They are then serenaded with a nice quartet and the night ends with a dip and a kiss.

Meanwhile at the mansion: Anthony arrives back from his date, with cheers and hugs all the way around, which is weird. I mean, it’s like they’re saying “Hey man, how was your date with my girlfriend?”. It’s not long after Anthony has walked through the door, that Eric starts up with his shit again. Not to sound too 1994, but. . .Eric, you be trippin! Eric thinks that his best plan of action is to question Anthony about his date, and then Iggy overhears the two discussing Rachel and believes that it would be a good idea to insert his opinion. . .things then get interesting. Here’s what I think the conversation was about: Iggy thinks that Eric believes that Rachel is being fake with her feelings. Eric wouldn’t use the word ‘fake’, but he does admit that he thinks Rachel is playing games until she gets what she wants and furthermore he also throws the following at Iggy: “You’re not gonna give a girl you know that you’re not going to marry, your all.” I think what he really wants to do is write a “do you like me note?” with some check ‘yes’ or ‘no’ boxes. The whole thing escalates, with Eric freaking a out a bit on Iggy and it ends with Iggy walking away. The whole exchange was a prime example of my earlier side commentary. If inexperience really is Eric achilles heel, it’s showing. I’m not sure what the “You’re not gonna give a girl. . .” comment even meant, since the whole point of being on the show is hopefully to give Rachel. . .you. So that comment was somewhat ambiguous. And let’s talk about Eric and his profession. According to LinkedIn, he is a motivational speaker and difference maker, when he blew up at Iggy, I’m beginning to think, he’s not very good at his job, because it’s either that or this social experiment is not working well for him.

Group Date #2: Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, and Eric. “Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge.” Rachel is going to bring her girls along for this date and by ‘girls’, I mean Raven, Jasmine, Alexis, and Corinne. They start their journey on a party bus and Bryce kicks off the pole dancing, followed by each of the guys, some earned some bills, others earned coins. Raven gets right to it by asking which of the guys is not there for the right reasons, Bryce responds with “Eric”, Lee responds with the same. So, Raven’s spidey senses are on alert. They arrive at what appears to be a honky tonk and quickly discover a mud wrestling pit. This date should work out well for Kenny, considering his occupation, but I suppose it’s really gonna work out well for all the ladies present, considering they get to bear witness to the whole mess. While getting ready, Pretty Boy Pitbull comes out to play and the intimidation game is in full effect. First match: Brady vs Bryce. It didn’t take long for Bryce to dirty him up and come out victorious. Next up: Dean vs Eric. Eric was worried about having to take on Kenny, looks like his apprehension was for the wrong guy, Dean wins their round. I’m not sure who it was that Lee took down, but he won his round. Poor Jack had to go up against Kenny and honestly if I were him, I probably would’ve just tapped out and saved some water, because you know Kenny was out to impress the ladies. He really hit this point home when he went up against Lee and literally body slammed him into the mud, then finished the take down with a blown kiss over to the ladies. The finale featured Bryce vs Kenny and Kenny may have been the favorite going in, but Bryce quickly schooled him on how a firefighter does it. The underdog pulled it out in the end, with Rachel pinning him with a belt of his very own. In the end, they all looked like creatures from some sort of B-horror movie. When Rachel asked the girls what their thoughts on the guys were, Raven fills Rachel in on what she discovered on the bus. Let’s talk about what we really learned on this part of the date. Corinne is extremely tame when alcohol isn’t pumping through those veins. Hand to God, she barely made a peep. I gotta be honest and say that I was a bit disappointed.

They kick off the night at the Oak Canyon Ranch. This is where Rachel learns that Kenny was once a Chippendale’s dancer and where we learned that Rachel may be interested in seeing some moves in a more private setting. The most anticipated conversation was the one Rachel was going to have with Eric. When the camera catches up with them, Rachel has her head on his chest, so there is no face to face confessions happening and the audience comes into the discussion while Eric is confiding in Rachel how he has been running from his feelings his whole life and he’s at a point where he’s not sure of what to do. Let’s stop the bus right here for a hot second. This is coming from someone who is a motivational speaker/difference maker/mentor. . .this is surely not boding well for his brand. Every season there seems to be some woe is me storyline, someone who needs to be saved, I’m beginning to think that Eric is that contestant. He has written two books: Quotes to Shape Your Life and 100 Days of Wisdom: Wisdom for Life. Maybe someone needs to jump on over to Amazon and pick up a couple of things and because I’m a bit of an inquisitive soul, I did just that. Luckily for me, 100 Days of Wisdom was free with a KU membership, which I happen to have. So, the book is broken up into daily devotionals, which the reader is encouraged to read early in the morning, once in the evening, and before bedtime, and apparently some shit will begin to happen when those rules are followed. Ironically, the very first devotion is the following: “If you want advances, then you have to take chances! Don’t be afraid to take that leap of faith and make it happen. Nothing worth having comes easy, and anything you seek requires dedication! Stay committed to the process, and do your best.” Somebody doesn’t heed their own advice. We’re gonna start the bus back up for a moment and continue his talk with Rachel. She takes in his confession and does her best to comfort and blanket him with reassurances. Eventually the cat has to come out of the bag and she fills Eric in on Raven’s consultation with Bryce and Lee. They hug it out, so maybe he did his job in convincing Rachel that he is “committed to the process”. When he returns to the campfire, he mood certainly changes and when he begins to confront Bryce and Lee, the others do the wise move and step away, leaving just the three guys. Lee turned the whole thing around and made his response to Raven more about Eric’s inexperience with relationships, so in other words, Lee is an ass. In this whole debacle, Eric and Bryce made up, while Lee and Eric continued whatever type of argument they were having. It got weird pretty quick with Lee telling Eric what a great individual he was and how much potential he had and he sealed the envelope with “I still love you to death” and he kept repeating how much he loved Eric and Bryce was in the middle the entire time wondering how he went from the Mud Wrestling Champ to sitting next to Lee while Lee professed his love for Eric. If it wasn’t weird as fuck, I may have laughed a time or two. Interestingly enough, day two of Eric’s devotionals, goes something like this: “Don’t let others dictate your mood, you be YOU! Stay away from negative energy and allow positive vibes to greet you. Who you were yesterday doesn’t account for today because that person is already forgiven. Learn to let go and keep living!” Eric there’s a book I would like to tell you about. . .In the end, Eric earned himself a rose.

The cocktail party kicks off with a very relaxed Eric, it’s amazing what a flower will do for someone’s self-esteem. Iggy gets the first opportunity and he takes advantage by telling Rachel about his tiff with Eric. Diggy interrupts and Iggy seeks Eric out for some one-on-one time. I’m not sure what is edited out of the show, but from what the audience was given, Iggy made it seem that Rachel asked the questions, instead of just owning his part in it. I could be wrong and maybe we didn’t see the entire conversation Iggy had with Rachel, but from all appearances, Iggy seemed to sugarcoat some shit. Lee overhears and when his time comes with Rachel, instead of him talking about his music or Nashville or his love of racist tweeting (more on that later), he decides to throw Eric under the bus and bring up the argument Eric had with Iggy, making it out as if Eric was the sole aggressor. Eric wasn’t completely innocent, but Iggy did join a conversation between Anthony and Eric without an invite, so draw your own conclusions. Day four of Eric’s devotionals kicks off with “The truth will always come to the light. . .” If he truly feels that he is innocent in all of this (not saying he is), then he probably should’ve brought his own words into the mansion. Rachel sets out to find Eric, I’m assuming to get to the bottom of the whole situation. Now, when Rachel confronts him with what Iggy told her, he did straight up lie. She asked him if he was questioning whether or not she was being real in all of this and if she was genuine. He said no to the first and yes to the last. During his convo with Anthony, he did say that he thought she was playing games, which would mean that through his POV, she is most certainly not real and is definitely not being genuine. You would think that after they all witnessed the verbal smack down she put on DeMario, that none of them would lie to her ever again, but when you gotta save your ass, I guess you do what’s necessary. She chooses to believe him, but to also keep her defenses up where he is concerned. He decides to confront the guys head on and I thought he was about to hit them all with some motivation, he was moving around like he was on a stage, he had a captive audience. . .but when he started to yell, I figured that was an awfully strange tactic to use to motivate someone and then the look on Bryan’s face really summed up the evening. . .

Once again we are. . .To Be Continued. And since I’m pretty sure that Golden State isn’t gonna wrap up the series in just 4 games, game 5 is scheduled for next Monday night (6/12), so episode #4 will be coming at us on June 19th.

“Well, one of those is for sure not true because I don’t eat carbs because I’m on a ketogenic diet. I don’t eat bananas.” -Blake

“Everybody knows the best way to get over having your heart broken on national television is to go back and date thirty different guys on national television.” -Ellen

“Tickle guy does not dance well.” -Ellen

“Thank you Ellen. Mama was pleased.” -Rachel

“Let the big dog eat!” -Lucas

“Brady’s hair is a force that can’t be reckoned with. I don’t know what kind of hair products he is using today, but he needs to patent it.” -Rachel

I didn’t really think I was going to need to get all heavy on you BXTCHES this early on BUT. . .immediately following the episode, I checked out Twitter and during my perusal, I came across the following tweet from Chris Harrison “For those asking, no, of course we didn’t know about the offensive tweets from Lee’s account. None of us were aware of them Very unfortunate” So, of course that sprung me into action and the first thing I did was check his Twitter, which is now set to ‘private’ and those requesting to follow him, must be approved. Interestingly, his account was not private back when I published my Meet the Cast post, so I then hit up Google and holy shitballs, wait until you BXTCHES see what has been uncovered and let me say that it doesn’t look good for the guitar wielding asshole from Nashville. Look, I get it, this show is an entertainment show, but can we at least recognize the importance of having our first black Bachelor/ette? My assumption is Lee doesn’t make it to the end, I don’t read spoilers, so I don’t know for sure, but chew on this for a bit. This guy actually compared the NAACP to the KKK in one of these racist tweet storms and even though I don’t think Rachel has yet to kiss him, it could be coming. Put yourself in her shoes, she now knows that these tweets exist, can you imagine making out with a guy who isn’t a big fan of black people. He says that he went through six months of interviews before being selected, SIX MONTHS and no one caught this? It didn’t occur to anyone to check out his social media? ABC didn’t have the forethought or manpower to scour and dig social media accounts, but Erika from Orlando could find it? Someone has some explaining to do and you guys over at The Bachelor need to get your shit together, entertainment or not there are people involved, you should be ashamed.If you’re interested in reading some of the tweets, just Google “Lee Garrett tweets”, you will be well educated.

Lucas and Blake. . .I gotta say, I think these two assholes are friends. I find it hard to believe that two guys, who happened to be on a reality show together, just both applied to be on the same season of The Bachelorette. That is just way too coincidental. Then the way Blake started bashing Lucas was really out of no where. No one knew their history, but Blake comes swinging with how Lucas is there for the wrong reasons. But what really sealed the deal was the “fight” they had after they were both eliminated. Blake greets Lucas with a “fuck you, bro”, then proceeds to say how he got drug into Lucas’ bullshit. The only thing about Lucas that was in fact bullshit, was his catch phrase. If Blake could’ve kept his mouth shut, no one would be the wiser when it came down to a Blake vs Lucas feud. Blake calls Lucas a wannabe comedian, a whaboom clown. Lucas tells Blake that it’s about the world and Blake has no idea what the world means. Blake does some weird chicken dance while talking about fart jokes, Lucas dramatically screams that he “knows what funny is!” These motherfuckers are 30 and 31 years old, let that marinate. It was all very Disney movie”esque”, they should put out some feelers. Obviously they did not watch Nick’s season, because if they would’ve just tuned into to one episode, Corinne surely would’ve taught them something. Even she played with her tits while hurling insults. So my theory is this. They both know and are friends with one another. They decide to apply to be on the show together, highlighting the fact that they were both on another reality show, where they did not get along, already laying the framework for a ready made battle. I suspect if the tension between them would’ve been a bit more dramatic and worth actually tuning in for, they probably would’ve stuck around, but Rachel had enough and put her stiletto clad foot down. Since they are friends, their insults suck because real or fake, no friend wants to hurt your feelings. When all was said and done, I’m sure they met up with DeMario and kicked back a few beers.

Bachelor in Paradise has released some of the cast, the only one from this season thus far is DeMario, but I’m sure as the guys start to drop, they will be headed to Mexico for their crack at debauchery. If you’e interested in the who’s who, click here.

**no episode next Monday (6/12)**

The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
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Tagged #itsrealitybxtches, ABC Monday, Bachelor Nation, Episode Three Re-Cap, Fred the boy kisser, Lee Garrett racist tweets, Rachel Lindsay, The Bachelorette 2017

The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Two Re-Cap | 05.29.17

By Merrie J | May 30, 2017 - 1:15 pm |June 5, 2018 The Bachelorette 2017 | Episode Two Re-Cap | 05.29.17
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BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I would like to issue a friendly reminder that these episodes do run about 2 hours, which for a wordy BXTCH (that would be me), makes it difficult to keep this re-cap at a friendly length. The upside? I’m pretty fucking funny and I do cover EVERY aspect of the episode, so if you didn’t have time to tune in or maybe your DVR was being an asshole. . .I have you covered. I can also give you BXTCHES a bit of foreshadowing and tell you that we may only be TWO episodes in, but it is already so good, which we can only hope that even greater things are to come.

Last Week On: Even though the first episode is just a meet and greet, we did get a good glimpse at all of the men hoping to woo Rachel right down the aisle. I won’t go into detail, you can just check out that post (here), but I will tell you that Bryan not only received the First Impression Rose, but the chiropractor from Florida was also the first to stake a claim. . .on her lips. . .with his tongue. . .twice, so we may have a frontrunner.

This Week On: Tonight will kick off the dates and just in case you’re a bit of a virgin to this franchise or maybe you’re just someone who prefers to skip the episode and check out the re-cap or maybe you’re a double fister and do a read and watch, whatever your poison, just remember. . .during a group date, one hopeful will be issued a Group Date Rose, which ensures that he will live to see another week and if you are picked to go on a one-on-one date with Rachel, you best say a prayer prior that you get a rose, because if she doesn’t pin you, you’re headed home. . .single. . .alone. . .with no wife. Tonight Rachel will go on (2) Group Dates and (1) One-On-One Date.

I really don’t want to kick off this re-cap being a Negative Nancy BUT, this BXTCH needs to vent a tiny bit. Am I the only one who finds it ridiculously corny when the guys are all on the balcony, hands in the air, screaming “RACHEL!”? And the kicker? Rachel isn’t even there. This isn’t the Miss Teen USA pageant for crying out loud. . .let’s just try to keep the corny shit to a minimum. But when Chris Harrison arrives that wish is quickly thrown out. He starts the convo asking the fellas what they thought of Rachel and with responses like (and these are actual quotes): “You know just, right as we like pulled up, you know, it was just one of those great things, just to be able to see her smile.” (DeMario) “I think we all agree, like when you look at Rachel, and you’re just like, just struck.” (Jack) “She’s not only beautiful, but just all-she smells extremely, I think we can all attest to that. She smells so good.” (DeMario). Can I just point out the obvious? I think it’s great that these men are hoping to have the opportunity to drop to one knee and find their ever after and I think it’s great that they have so many wonderful things to say about a woman they just met BUT if these guys are really the type of men who wax poetic all the time, and look at those quotes, I mean, panty melting (I hope you’re able to sense the tone). . .then why are they single? Because trust a BXTCH, being kind and telling a girl on the regular that she is pretty, will get you far. Anyway just a thought, let’s get down to the business.

Group Date #1: The lucky ones are. . .Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas. “I’m looking for husband material” -Rachel. Iggy gives a “I’m so glad to share a date with all of you” toast, Lucas gives his annoying as fuck “Whaboom” and they are off. Rachel welcomes the guys to a barbecue and a little game of football where she is the QB. She’s not exactly sporting attire that screams “hut hut”, and proves it later when Lucas goes to sweep her off of her feet and she has to remind him that she is in fact in a dress. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis join the date for a Husband Material challenge. . .

Meanwhile at the mansion: Lee has somehow thought this whole thing through and managed to turned it into an episode of Survivor. His analysis is the guys who were left back at the mansion have had the opportunity to hang out in the sun, bond and discuss all things Rachel. While the guys who were chosen for the group date, now have a target on their back. I’m not sure who it is that Lee thinks sends these guys home, but he should at least know that it’s no one with a dick, which would eliminate any guys who are working on their tan, so since Lee is the one handing out the targets and Lee has nothing to do with who stays or who goes, then who really gives a fuck with what Lee thinks? On a more positive note, Will is the one having to listen to Lee’s very well thought out speech and he looks like he would rather be anywhere in the world than where he is.

Back to the challenge. The guys are going to have to work through an obstacle course, #1: diaper changing station (a shitty one) #2: strap baby in a Baby Bjorn #3: vacuum #4: unclog drain #5: locate missing ring in sink full of dishes #6: set dinner table and grab flowers. Let me just say, I hope babies aren’t in any of their future, I’m actually surprised the heads stayed attached. They did vacuum quite well, except for Jack, who didn’t even plug in the appliance. When Lucas went to fish for the diamond, he drowned his baby, but when all was said and done, he pushed Kenny out of the way in the end and came out victorious. On a side note: As a wife, I can say with complete confidence, that if ABC really wanted to find out who was husband material, then what they should’ve done was clog the drain with a ton of real hair and see who was man enough to pull it out, because once again, trust a BXTCH (there seems to be a lot of trust needed tonight), a real husband is going to spend a lot of his time pulling hair out of a drain, then wondering how in the hell is his wife not actually bald. If non-verbal cues were a thing to go by, then Rachel does not seem thrilled that Lucas won this challenge, which would back my claim that ABC forced her hand where he was concerned, because I’m almost sure that she pulled away when he went in for a kiss on the cheek. I need a moment to shout out to Lucas’ parents. I have no idea what Whaboom means and truth be told, I don’t give a fuck, just please make him stop. I feel that since you created him, you are the only ones with that power. I’m embarrassed for him anytime he starts to seize, so I can only imagine how you guys feel. And let’s be real here. . .he couldn’t even get Ashton Kutcher on board, that speaks volumes . . .I’m someone who believes that one should be themselves and live their lives as they see fit, but not in this case. I think he has done some serious brain damage and it has impacted his ability to not be a douchebag, so from one BXTCH to another. . .Please tell him no more or we may have to come up with our own catchphrase.

We’re now into the evening portion of our group date and since Lucas was the ultimate husband (just in the game show sense y’all), he’s the one up first. After some chit chat about the date, Lucas whips out a hand written poem, I am not going to bore you guys with it, but I will say that in an effort to rhyme a word with “smile”, he did actually use the word “entile” which is not a word. I mean, he could’ve went with: style, mile, beguile, profile. . .he may have meant “entail”, but that’s not what he said and I hope based on the smile on Rachel’s face, which looked as if she was thinking “I’m gonna have some words with those bastards at ABC for making me look like a fool by keeping this idiot and getting rid of the other Blake”, more than it said “Ahhh, how sweet, a toddler wrote me a poem”, that Lucas won’t be around for long. While Lucas is away, Blake is going to gossip about Lucas and he starts with telling the guys that he knows Lucas outside of The Bachelorette (we’ll get back to that). I don’t know how Fred’s future on The Bachelorette is going to play out, because every time they talk, that damn camp comes up and Rachel hits him with a “You were bad”, the only thing that would make that conversation better and maybe work in Fred’s favor, is if he came back with an “I still am girl and if I make it to the Fantasy Suites, then you will see just how bad I can be”, because his eight year old self is really turning out to be quite the cock blocker. The Tickle Monster (that’s still weird, right?) decides to take advantage of his time with showing Rachel the proper way to change a diaper, ahhh. . .what every woman wants to learn on a date. Oh, and he is still in possession of his baby from the challenge. . .yeah, that’s not creepy at all. At this point, even Rachel is saying how mundane the conversations are, so somebody needs to start channeling their inner Corinne and turn this shit up. The guys start to interrogate Lucas, asking him about Lucas the Man and Lucas Whaboom. Apparently, there isn’t really a distinction between the two and he can switch Whaboom on and off when needed. Again, it’s never needed. Blake takes his opportunity with Rachel to be a little tattle-tell (although he did spill the beans about living with Lucas’ ex-girlfriend and he revealed that Lucas brought his own make-up bag). . .why do they do that? She doesn’t know you well enough right now for you to take that risk. I would rather you regale her with stories of how mature your penis is or how many pull ups you can do on the beach, while also flexing your penis. . .anything but being a whiny bitch. And not to deflate the penis any further, but Lucas did get a kiss and Blake only got a hug and it wasn’t even a “man you must have a great cock” hug but a “hey, I haven’t seen you since freshman year, you look. . .the same” kind of hug. So, I guess score one for Whaboom (son of a bitch). Blake did confess to Lucas that he ratted him out and it felt good for him to get it out in the open. Somewhere, Lucas has come to believe that he and Rachel have an unspoken connection, there’s an Olivia on every season. The exchange between Blake and Lucas was nothing more than a struck match that got blown out before it had any chance of flourishing, can we at least get a little of Corinne v. Taylor? So, now Dean is up and the very awkward “Once I go black” statement is about to get talked about. Rachel confesses to him that she loved it and loved his confidence even more, in fact, she wanted to say it first. The discussion flowed well, very easy, lots of laughs. . .he definitely brought her back around and probably gave her some hope. Kenny gets his chance and the talk moves to his daughter. I gotta say, as skeptical as I thought I would be about Kenny, he is growing on me and he definitely lit up when he got to brag about his kiddo, so points all around. The Group Date Rose came down to Kenny and Dean, with Dean pulling it out in the end. Dean seized the moment and walked Rachel out, using the time to make up for the kiss he didn’t land earlier. A note to the make-up department: Rachel is gonna kiss A LOT this season, surely y’all know this, the key is for the lipstick to stay on her. Dean was wearing a beautiful shade of red once his tongue was done dancing with hers. Now, if it were me, I would’ve left a bit behind, just to rub it in a little, but clearly Dean has more class than I do.

Meanwhile at the mansion: Josiah and DeMario are hanging out playing a game of “Who’s the Best Man and Who’s the Groom”. Really, it’s just a lot of back and forth between the two on who will come out on one knee in the end. But, when DeMario says “I’m here for Rachel Lindsay. Period.”, that statement alone will prove ironic a bit later in the episode.

One-on-One Date: The first one-on-one for the season is awarded to Peter and his card comes with the clue: “I’m looking for my best friend. . .” Upon arriving at the hangar, Peter is actually driving the vehicle. I know this is crazy talk and will probably in some fashion revoke any sort of feminism card I hold, but man, that was so sexy. And I know this is weird for me to point out, but during Jojo’s season, she drove and maybe it’s all the time I spend nose deep in romance novels, but there is just something so sure and Alpha about a man driving. Back to our regular scheduled programming. Wherever this date is going to take them, they will be using a private plane to get there. But, before they can even board, Rachel introduces Peter to her dog Copper and to the fact that the precious canine will be joining them on their date. Where on earth could they be going, you ask? Palm Springs is the destination. The first part of their date has them enjoying Barkfest, which is paradise for those on four legs and from the looks of things, those on two as well. The conversation is certainly flowing and it doesn’t take long before they actually have the “Would you be willing to move” discussion and I for one say that it’s about time that topic comes up early on. It must suck when you got yourself a beast in the bedroom, but then learn that there is no way they are gonna pack up their bags and relocate, what a waste of a screamin’ orgasm.

The evening date discussion teaches us that Peter’s dad was never really a fan of the show, but once he learned of his son’s quest to find that one and only love, he quickly became one and thinks Rachel is great. We then move onto their teeth. It may sound like a strange date topic, but it was pretty fucking adorable. In the end, they both love their gap, with no interest in getting it corrected, since to them (and me) it’s not broken. The talk does dance a bit towards the serious side when Rachel inquires how in the hell it is that Peter is single. And what is it that we learned? It seems that some broken relationships led him to see a therapist, which helped him in the long run. Coincidentally, Rachel has also laid down on a couch once or twice and was able to really put herself in a place that will make her a better partner when she does find the one. So, from the way this date is shaping up, she may be able to call the whole show off. . .she has found her Mr., but since ratings are needed and all that jazz, we’ll just have to be dazzled by their connection and it’s that connection that has her pinning him with the Date Rose and some kissing. They soon find themselves the sole spectators of a pretty fantastic fireworks display, both in the sky and with each other.
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Group Date #2: “Swish” is the clue and Rachel will be headed out with: Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. Now, the clue should reveal it all, but just in case you’re lagging a bit behind, they will be taking their talents, or lack thereof, to the court. Because I have already been very long winded and wordy (shocker!) I’m gonna speed this date up, because the end is where it’s at. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar joins the date and I’m pretty sure erections sprung up all over. They start with a warm-up, which most likely instantly killed Rachel’s hard-on, because there was no heat being packed anywhere. So. . .shoot, shoot, shoot. . .miss, miss, miss and it’s time for the game. Ironically, Coach Kareem discussed how important character was, not only in basketball, but in life as well. . .trust a BXTCH (told you, lots of trust), it was an ironic lesson. The warm-up moves into game time, which will be played in front of a crowd. White Team: Lee, Will, Eric, Alex, and Adam. Purple Team: DeMario, Josiah, Matt, Diggy, and Jamey. In the end, the White team prevailed. But, that is not even the tip of this date. After Rachel does a little meet and greet with the crowd, she meets Lexi and here is what Rachel learned. While Lexi was in her modest living room a week ago, catching up on some TV, she came upon The Bachelor and ATFR, where she soon realized that the guy she had been dating for seven months was meeting the next Bachelorette and that he would soon be in the running to give this girl his last name. The problem, this guy still had keys to Lexi’s apartment and even though she hadn’t heard from him in three days, he never had the balls to break things off with her. So, of course you gotta know, every woman in America was glued to the TV with eyes wide open and jaws dropped when Lexi revealed that DeMario had been sleeping in her bed and up until the moment that she saw him on ATFR, she believed that they would still be sleeping in her bed. So, Rachel does what any of us would’ve done, she goes and gets that motherfucker. What was so great about her arrival in the locker room? He thought he was about to get some Rachel lovin’ and truth be told, so did the rest of the guys. Now, we gotta remember that Rachel is an attorney and her dad is a Federal Judge, you don’t get that far without being able to sniff out some bullshit. Plus, she’s a pretty badass woman, and being a member of that team myself. . .well, let’s just say that my sense of smell is on point. When he first enters the gym and Lexi hits him with “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it DeMario?”, he comes back with a “Who’s this?” Lexi came out swinging and DeMario tried to convince Rachel that she’s crazy. He wanted to spin his story without the cameras, because this is “personal life stuff”, but hoping to fall in love and ask a girl to marry you in front of America is. . .not? Good thing for us, Rachel came back with how she is putting her personal life out there. . .so, this is gonna play out for all to see. A lesson for everyone, when DeMario started saying a lot of words, without saying much of anything-that was the first clue showing how full of shit he was. He claims he broke things off face to face, she claims that the last time he was in her house, they were fucking. He did admit that he didn’t cut off all communication with her because he was trying to wean her off his dick (he didn’t actually say “dick”, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant). When the topic of the keys came up, no worries Lexi, he mailed them back to you, girl. Lexi whips out the phone, with proof via text messages. DeMario was more scared than a 16 year old who just missed her period, it was glorious. Rachel had enough and told him to “Get the fuck out”. And this is why we love Rachel. My prediction? Even though Lexi was throwing some insults DeMario’s way, I bet he’s been all up in her since this confrontation. Rachel needed some time to cool off, then went to inform the other guys that DeMario had been sent home and why. I’m gonna quickly cover the night portion of this date and I should forewarn, it had this BXTCH rolling some eyes. I can understand Rachel’s vibe at this point. She feels played and embarrassed, which I think is the bigger issue. What I find annoying is how offended the guys are on her behalf. Look, I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be a little pissed, but moreso because his lie sent other guys home. But his lie also sent him home, which is one less guy on the path to the next chapter, so I would be clinking glasses and saying “Cheers motherfuckers!”. Josiah, Josiah, Josiah. . .boy does this guy lay it on thick, I am already standing on the other side of the fence from him. I don’t like his approach at all, he has yet to be light hearted and funny. During the meet and greet, he went straight past the “let me get to know you” game and right for “I’m gonna regale her with my childhood woes”. And tonight he played the big, bad, wolf card, he’s protective and he likes her, then he kissed her and it was weird. He is just not at the top of my list. I think it’s great (I guess) that all of these guys were concerned about how she was doing, but it’s not like we’re towards the end of the pickings, and she found this shit out, it’s the second episode, let’s chill the fuck out for a bit. Alex sang her song in Russian, Eric stuck true to his profession and tried to make a difference and did so by giving her some loving . . .with his mouth. But, in the end, Josiah must’ve convinced her of his protective nature, it’s either that or she preferred his tongue over Eric’s, because he’s the one with rose.

Because those over at ABC are a bunch of cock teases, we actually do get a “To Be Continued” tonight, but before that happens, the cocktail party does kick off and Bryan seizes the opportunity. He goes right in with the kiss and that’s three from him, in case you’re counting. Rachel actually apologizes to him for him not having a date this week, which I thought was really telling. He then takes her over to a massage table and relieves some stress (YUM!). In the meantime, DeMario has shown up at the mansion, hoping to get some face to face time with Rachel. Rachel is in the middle of some time with Fred when Chris pulls Rachel aside to inform her of her visitor. She decides that she is curious enough to hear what he has to say. . .the guys have overheard that DeMario has arrived and they have some confronting to do as well.

“Lucas is garbage.” -Blake

“Someone’s definitely getting laid tonight. At least a blow job.” -Mila Kunis

“Listen, I’m a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy.” -Kenny

“The only leg I have to stand on are my two legs.” -Lucas

So, what did we learn from this episode? Could it be that some of the contestants are a little less than honorable? Holy shit, go figure. But, as we sit and feel sorry for Rachel and wanna cut a dick from DeMario, ABC owns some of this deceit as well. Lexi didn’t just happen to know where the show would be shooting, she had to make some contact with someone and the powers that be decided that this drama would play out better on TV, with no regard towards Rachel’s feelings or DeMario’s reputation, though, I wouldn’t really care about the latter either. But, in the grand scheme of the show, don’t we hope to weed out the assholes? Good Lord, I hope the whacker gets rid of Lucas soon.

One thing I’ve learned about this franchise is that the ladies who compete on The Bachelor are only lucky enough to get hair and make-up done for them for the first episode and I believe the final episode. However, The Bachelorette gets the works for her show. So, that’s hair/make-up/stylist. I may not be an expert when it comes to whipping myself up with a pretty stick, but I can look at someone and wonder “What the fuck happened?”. And that is exactly what I was thinking when Rachel went on that first group date. I’m not sure who made up her face, but it’s almost like they have never worked on a skin tone darker than a tan. It did get better as the episode progressed, but we stepped back some when Dean was able to wear the same shade of lipstick as Rachel. I know it’s a tough job, but c’mon guys, get it together.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN

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