BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, I must state the obvious. . .I have figured out that all of these episodes are 2 hours long. I know, right? It’s about time I jump on the “It’s about time you caught on, BXTCH” bandwagon. But, I really thought once the girls dwindled, so would the air time. Who knew? I guess we should do a quick re-cap of last weeks crazy, jaw-dropping episode. The Bahamas became a bit dirtier with the arrival of Ben and his girls. The group date involved feeding some pigs hot dogs, not pork, but chicken, so they weren’t actually eating themselves, so that’s that. . .Ben paid extra special time to Lauren B., which made for awkward times for the rest of the girls, so much so, Leah decided to play a bit of sabotage, but in the end, Ben sent her packing. And in the round of Emily vs. Olivia, Emily came out on top. The Rose Ceremony sent Lauren H. home, so the end of that episode left: Amanda, Jojo, Becca, Emily, Caila, and Lauren B. fighting for the role of Mrs. Higgins.
Tonight’s episode takes us to Warsaw, Indiana, which is Ben’s hometown.
BXTCH side commentary: First, the show put him in a classic Chevy truck, which c’mon ABC, that was a bit cliche. Second, my dream is to move to the Pacific Northwest, but after seeing the town that is Warsaw, I totally get it, so maybe not so cliche after all. Well played ABC.
The episode kicks off with Ben visiting with his parents, giving a run down on the six remaining ladies. It’s interesting to hear him explain each one of the girls to his mom and dad. The two descriptions that caught my attention were of Jojo and Amanda. With Jojo, Ben said (and I quote) “Unbelievably beautiful. . .I’m more myself, I think around her, than anybody else here.” When he said that, talk about speaking volumes, it got turned way up with that statement. I always thought his attraction/compatibility with Lauren B. was more magnetic than he had with any of the others, but he shut that thought right up when he said that. When he tells his parents about Amanda and the fact that she has two children, his mother asks: “Is that something you’d ever even. . .? He responds with: “I haven’t thought about it really”. Now, I’m all about Team Ben, but is that a fair thing to say? Amanda told him about her kiddos long ago, but you haven’t given it any thought? I’m just gonna let that sit right there.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE #1: Lauren is first up and I think it’s mainly because of the Bahama episode and Leah trying to convince Ben that Lauren wasn’t really the same around him and it left both of them with a bad taste. Ben personally asked Lauren out, and it was in front of the ladies, it was almost like a Jimmy Kimmel episode when the parents fake out the kids by telling them they ate the Halloween candy. . .that’s what the girls looked like when he said Lauren’s name. The date kicks off with Ben taking Lauren around the city, he shows her important personal landmarks, but the highlight of the date is when Ben takes her to the youth club where he volunteered working with kids. It was actually really cool, the kids were on cloud nine and Lauren seemed to really fit in and by the end, the youth club was definitely on Team Lauren, even going as far as to predict that Ben would be picking Lauren as his bride. Ben surprised the kids with a visit from Paul George and George Hill and really blew their minds, and once two NBA players show up, the kiddos at that point were probably saying, Ben who? The nightside of the date brings them to Ben’s place, now I’m not sure if it’s his temporary place or his actual home, but that aside, Lauren brings up the Leah situation again (although she still has no idea it was Leah who brought this to Ben), here’s the thing. . .aren’t we beating this horse to death, let it go. Ben obviously didn’t fall for it, he did send the bitch packing, but Lauren did what all us girls do, self doubt. . .“OMG does he like me? Did he believe her?” (she didn’t actually say those things, that’s me improvising for you, you’re welcome). He then takes her to his favorite bar, she meets some of his friends, at least I hope they were, all they did was a cheers to Lauren, they could’ve been complete strangers for all I know, but it did look good for T.V. Now, while Ben and Lauren are standing on the balcony, in matching leather jackets, nibbling a bit on one another, this dirty BXTCH couldn’t help but notice. . .some bulk sitting close to Ben’s zipper. Now, realistically, I realize it probably wasn’t his fun toy, but perhaps some keys, but someone standing behind the cameras could have done him a solid by suggesting that he move the item to his jacket pocket, unless. . .it was actually his fun toy and while moving that to his jacket pocket would’ve been a fun trick, it is most likely impossible. But, I seriously have my T.V. paused on that scene as I type this and if it is his “little Ben”, then I expect an awkward conversation is in his future, because it seems to be an odd shape, oh mercy me, he is just too damn good looking, so I’m gonna roll with. . .the fun toy is perfect, it’s just not laying right.
BXTCH side commentary: Is it weird that the girls left at home, not only sit and wonder what it is that Ben and his date are doing, but they sit around constantly talking about it. Is it not a big enough blow to your self-esteem to have to actually think about your boyfriend on a date with his other girlfriend? And for fuck’s sake, if you are actually sitting around wondering “what the shit”, can you at least act like normal females and shove your face with some Ben and Jerry’s while doing it. It will help us other mortals sitting at home in our ratty pajamas feel a tad better, because I guarantee you, we are in front of the T.V. shoving our faces with some dairy goodness while we watch your drama unfold. Man, the things we do for you ladies.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE #2: Jojo gets lucky and gets herself a trip to Chicago and not just Chicago, but Wrigley Field. Like the date was actually on the field, complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. They get some batting practice, they run some bases, loads of fun. I do think he is really invested in getting to know Jojo better. He’s wanting her to open up a bit and show him more of an unguarded Jojo. During the date, Ben is speaking (during his confessional) about how his relationship with Jojo has grown from just an attraction to something deeper. He even admits that she loves the qualities of him, that make him who he is more than anything else. I’m just gonna throw this out there, but for him to even mention that, tells me that he isn’t getting that from anyone else (you may want to hold onto that jersey girl). He really is just wanting to dig more into the soul of Jojo and understand the root of her trust issues. The evening date has them enjoying dinner (one that they don’t eat, just drink) right smack dab in center field (so cool). They have a very comfortable and successful conversation. There’s a lot of talk about fear and being scared and running. . .oh, the problems of the beautiful people. Jojo feels that she has always loved more than she has gotten in return and while she’ll admit that she cares about Ben, I have yet to hear her utter those three words that seem to fly from the lips of others. And, if you remember several episodes ago, Jojo told Olivia that she isn’t about to express feelings to someone if she is not positive that they’re going to reciprocate those same feelings, so while she is willing to fall in love with Ben, she needs him to trust her process and not really give up on her, move over Dr. Phil, this BXTCH is ready to diagnose. On a side note, Ben and Jojo did make out on home plate (insert all the puns you can here) and she did enjoy some ass grabbing, I’m quite certain his “keys” made another appearance.
More BXTCH side commentary: Let’s discuss the jersey’s (well at least Jojo’s). . .that had to be a dude’s idea. What woman in her right mind would think it was okay to inscribe “Mrs. Higgins” on the back of a jersey that a female is going to wear? That idea has confusion and promises and hope and heartache written all over it, it just says “Mrs. Higgins” instead. Also, I want to suggest to ABC the following. . .it seems that the lot of the “contestants” on this show have had some issues in the dating world (I’m not lovable, I don’t trust well, I’m not good enough, any self loathing adjective would work), it also seems that the majority of these individuals are pretty hot, so I propose that one episode be devoted to interviews with all of the exes. This would be a thank you gift really, to us peons who sit at home and wonder why in the fuck my husband hasn’t taken me to dinner on center field, not any center field, not even the little league center field, sorry, back to my point. I need to know what is fundamentally wrong in some of these relationships, think of it as therapy for us average looking folks. I promise, it would be a huge hit.
The group date this week is really just a three-on-one and it includes: Caila/Becca/Amanda. These girls are about as excited as any girl going on a date with their boyfriend and his two other girlfriends would be. I’m starting to think Ben isn’t very good at the group thing. Last week was the pigs and this week is some paddling on the lake, but he’s in a boat with Caila, leaving Becca and Amanda all alone trying to paddle the boat. It was weird because there was no point to the paddling, it was awkward, then it was over, but then they flew some kites, it was all very weird, an intern or a 15 year old must’ve planned it. It then turned to Ben somewhat dropping a bomb. . .there is going to be a rose during this date and the girl lucky enough to get the petals, will also be lucky enough to continue on in the date, while the other two have to return to the house (not eliminated, just done for the date). Obviously, this truth stresses these girls the fuck out, holy crap, I’m surprised they didn’t vomit, because the rose guarantees that Ben will meet that particular persons family. Once he sits down with each girl, he really gets a feel for where he is at with each of them. Amanda talks about how she’s feeling about possibly introducing Ben to her girls. Becca expresses to Ben how much she likes Ben, which confuses him because she’s been so stand offish, she does ask him to not blindside her, I guess she’s not feeling particularly safe. Caila’s conversation really centers around how she loves that he has roots and she really doesn’t. She’s okay with moving around or planting herself somewhere. But in the end Amanda wins out and is rewarded with the rose and a date. Becca and Caila were pretty upset with not being chosen, but I really think the reason Amanda was chosen was because he wanted to give her some piece of mind, allowing her to really prepare to introduce him to her kids.
Even more BXTCH side commentary: Sorry for all the extra commentary, but mylanta, these girls are wearing a BXTCH down. Caila and Becca are reasons why I need to see interviews with the exes. I understand being upset over not being chosen for the rose. But, these girls are taking that one small action and turning it into “Ben doesn’t love me, he’s not ever going to love me, he must think I’m hideous, I knew I should’ve parted my hair on the other side” (okay, again, not their words, but you certainly get the point). Caila actually believes that her lack of roots could be what sends her home. Hmmm. . .does she really think Ben is so shallow? If so, she should be walking out the door on her own volition and not wait for Ben to do the dirty work. Becca is just to the point of “what more can I do?”, it’s almost as if they’re thinking if they would’ve thrown themselves at Ben more, it would’ve made all the difference. Here’s what I say to that: Girl, you do you. If it’s not good enough, then fuck him, don’t become someone you can’t look at in the mirror. Don’t let some guy (hot or not) determine your self-worth, stop asking “what else could I have done?”, because the answer to that is NOTHING. You did you, take a bow, it was beautiful. Pick your jaws up BXTCHES, that’s right, I can get deep.
His date with Amanda was actually pretty fantastic and the kind of date this BXTCH could get behind because it was at (wait for it) . . . McDonalds. Okay, my standards are a bit higher than that, but I like the normalcy dinner at McDonalds brought AND we got to witness them actually putting food into their mouths (ABOUT TIME!), them working the drive-thru was a bit strange, I’m a play place kind of chick, but to each his own. They also get their own carnival. It was crazy crowded with lots of cameras out, but they seemed to have a great time. Unfortunately, Ben would’ve cut my sorry ass loose, because I cannot get on any ride that can be set up and taken back down in less than a week, also, I would’ve most certainly thrown up all over him, so fun times.
One-on-One #3: The hopeless romantic in me was super excited when Ben decided to take Emily to meet the parents. The realistic BXTCH in me should have seen it for what it was. . .a test. I love Emily, she’s probably my favorite, however, I knew she was doomed almost from the beginning of the date. She meets the parentals and almost immediately, Ben’s mom pulls her away and Emily talks non-stop, the kind you do when you are super nervous. This probably wouldn’t have been a bad thing, until she tells his mom that she has yet to live her dreams and there is so much more she is wanting to get from life. As a mom, this is certainly translated as someone who isn’t really ready to be tied down. She was super cute and likable, I just think his mom realizes that Emily is young and still needs to live in order to find herself. Once back at the girls’ house, Ben tells her that he just doesn’t see her being his wife. If it’s any consolation to the Team Emily fans out there, Ben was really upset about having to let her go. She’s a better person than I am, because as soon as Ben started his sentence with “I just don’t”, I would’ve said my good-byes. But, I’m old and jaded, things are different when you’re young and possibilities are endless.
The Rose Ceremony was very somber and almost sad. I guess when the number of girls left is a small number, there really is no celebration. With Amanda having a rose and Emily already gone, there are only three roses to give out and four girls vying. Even though she asked to not be blind sided, Ben said good-bye to Becca and when she calls him out (privately) for not following her request, he says he didn’t even know until it happened. I’m staring to think therapy is going to be in Ben’s future, because this process is starting to become extremely emotional for him.
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With Emily out of the running, I need to re-predict who the final two will be. After his very successful date with Jojo, I’m pretty sure she will be one of the two, I’m still gonna stick with Lauren, I feel that she has had this connection with him from the beginning and I think that the connection may take her into one of the final ones standing. However, after seeing the preview for next week, my prediction may be changing once again.
“I know I’m not in love with Ben the Bachelor, I’m in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana” -Lauren
“Playing one-on-one with Ben is so fun.” -Lauren
“I’m more of myself around Jojo than any other woman in my life.”-Ben
While Olivia’s jaw comes unhinged when she opens her mouth, Lauren is the opposite. It’s almost as if she has no circumference where her mouth is concerned, not sure that bodes well for Ben’s “keys”. Also, her lips seem to be in a constant pucker, almost as if she is always in the middle of a duck face, waiting for a selfie.
Becca, you may be holding on to your V-card a bit longer than you wanted, it’s okay girl, you have the makings of the next Bachelorette and what a story that will be. Hey, third time could be the charm.
I’m all for alcohol coming into play and having a good time with it. But, Lord Almighty, this is getting cray cray. Every time a date happens, alcohol is the star. Surely they don’t need that much loosening up, right?
Again, isn’t it weird that Emily gets broken up with, but the other girls cry? It’s like their saying “I’m so sorry my boyfriend broke up with you”. I know she’s your friend and very lovable, hell, I was sad. But wouldn’t you rather it come down to you and someone you really don’t like. I don’t want to imagine by boyfriend in the fantasy suite with my BFF.
How pissed do we think Olivia is? She loses out to Emily, just for Emily to be sent home the following week. You know that BXTCH thought that Ben was her spirit animal and really wanted to “put a ring on it”, her jaw had to hit the floor when she found out that Emily only outlasted her by a week. Can’t wait for the Tell All.
So, as cynical as I was and still somewhat am, regarding the true intention of this show, I will say that after watching The Bachelor special last night (Valentine’s Day), I was pleasantly surprised at how many couples are married/still together from this show and you may be convincing this BXTCH after all.
Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.
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