The Bachelor 2019 | Episode One Re-Cap | 01.07.19

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: The first warning should always be. . .I’m a wordy BXTCH, so beware, these are usually pretty long. But, they cover it all. Which brings me to tell you that it’s full of spoilers. Anyway, let’s talk about tonight. Last year ABC decided to air episode #1 on New Year’s Day, tonight they put it up against Clemson vs. Alabama, which in turn, they made it an ABC vs. ABC night, but to assume that those watching The Bachelor aren’t interested in watching Alabama lose, is a horrible misconception. Now that Alabama has been knocked off its pedestal, it’s time to tune into Colton. Tonight’s season premier is THREE HOURS LONG. Look, I think Colton is hot AF, but even Aquaman wasn’t three hours. . .and Jason Mamoa was shirtless for most of that movie, I would’ve sat in a theatre for 6 hours watching that. I’m not necessarily stoked watching women embarrass themselves for that long. . .oh, who am I kidding, I LOVE IT. Actually the first episode is probably my least fave, it does get a bit cringy for me, so here’s to hoping this year the women really bring it. It looks like there will be watch parties and such spread throughout the three hours and since this BXTCH ain’t got time for that, I’m gonna go straight to the show. I’ve already did a Meet the Cast post (find it here) that got us a smaller glimpse at this year’s 30 girls. . .yes there are 30 and not that I’m any sort of an expert, but that number is getting a bit on the ridiculous side. 

ABC has brought back the Fantasy League, which has had a makeover. There are eight categories for week #1 and you get/got to pick 10 ladies that would hopefully fit into one or more of the categories. For every category one of your selections falls into, you get a rose, which in turn scores you points. For week #1, the categories are: Receives a Rose (5 points); Receives the First Impression Rose (5 points); Brings a gift or uses a prop for her entrance (5 points); Wears something that sparkles (5 points); Cries (tears rolling); Wears the same dress as another woman to the rose ceremony (5 points); Speaks to Colton in a language other than English (5 points); Kisses Colton on the lips (10 points). You (or in this case me) pick 10 ladies that you think will or would fall into one or more of these categories. My selections were: (left to right) Caelynn; Catherine; Courtney; Devin; Hannah G., Heather; Kirpa; Nicole; Revian, and Tayshia. 

It’s never to late to join. If you are interested in jumping in, click here.

In between watching parties, we get to meet some of the ladies. While I may not be an expert, which we have already established, I can say with some confidence that the ladies ABC decides to profile, are most likely the ladies they are hoping Colton hangs onto for a bit. Up first is Cassie. Here’s what we already know about her: Cassie Randolph | The Bachelor 2019 Cast | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com
We learned tonight that she loves the beach (which should be obvious based on her hometown). Not only is she a speech pathologist, but she is also a grad student. She’s hoping that her communication skills will not fail her when she comes face to face with the man himself. Her greatest hope is that she meshes well with Colton and she is the one in the end with the ring on her finger. Well, there’s 29 other girls that have that same wish. #GoodLuck

Next up is Hanna B. or Alabama Hannah. One thing we know for sure, there’s no Roll Tide Roll for her tonight. Here’s hoping her first night with Colton went better than tonight did for the boys from Tuscaloosa.

Even though she wore the crown of Miss Alabama for an entire year, she admits to being a total train wreck-Hot Mess Express were the exact words, there’s a theme here somewhere and I can’t wait to uncover it. She’s just hoping that Colton is gonna like the good, the bad, and the hot mess. #BlessHerHeart She is pretty tight with our Homeboy from above, so she should know that it’s never to early to start sending up prayers and good thoughts. She is the first one to talk about Colton’s virginity. I have a feeling we’re gonna learn a lot about these ladies and not only their experience, but the experience they wish to lay upon Colton. #ParentsAreGonnaBeProud Alabama Hannah has kissed four guys, but don’t worry your pretty little mind, they were all boyfriends. However, she has already given it up, but Colton’s virginity is appealing to her. Actually, amazing is how she described it. I bet she’s hoping that’s exactly how she will be able to describe it.

Katie Morton. . .come on down.

We’ve already learned that she is a dancer, but tonight she took it to the floor and while I’m the furthest thing away from rhythm, it appeared that she was either finishing up a Zumba class or there wasn’t enough footage and someone came up with the bright idea of having her show her stuff. . .dance stuff that is, I will probably need to clarify a lot this season. She wishes for the love that her parents have for one another and Colton is looking like her kind of snack.

Heather Martin is the youngest one this season at just 22 years old. I don’t know yet if I’m cringing with that fact. #StayTuned

It certainly bears repeating that Heather is also a proud card carrying member of The Club, but she is gonna add another notch to hers by having never been kissed. #MoveOverJosieGrossy Do I believe that, not sure, I guess we’ll have to wait and see just how long it takes her to mark it off of her bucket list. We learn tonight that she is a beach girl through and through. She does admit to meeting Colton previous to the show, but it was only for 15 seconds. Based on that time, she can see herself sharing her very first kiss with him. My question. . .what the fuck kind of guys have you been meeting? 15 seconds is all she had and she already knows?

Oneyka Ehie from Dallas is introducing herself next. . .

She claims she’s not afraid to embarrass herself and since that will most likely happen at some point this season (I’m just banking on the odds), we’ll see if she’s a liar or a truther.

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

She also doesn’t care what people think about her, so that should go far in a house with 20+ girls and in her quest to impress Colton. Her parents have been married for 28 years and were engaged after only dating for two weeks. . .so she has the love/lust at first sight working in her favor. She already knows that Colton “. . .has all the morals and characters that I look for in a guy”. Not sure how exactly she knows, but she did check off the “he’s also hot” requirement and she ain’t wrong about that, so maybe her spidey sense is firing on all cylinders. She does have a bag of tricks just in case Colton decides to let her be blessed with his virginity. And let me just stop here and throw in my piece, which I will most likely repeat many times throughout the season. Just because Colton has never stuck his dick in IT, doesn’t mean he’s never been in IT. Let’s not assume he’s never taken a trip to the Promiseland and he is lacking sexual experience. He’s probably rounded the bases many many times, he’s just never slid into home and isn’t it more important to know how to go from base to base with care and ease, not to mention stamina, passion, precision, dedication. . .I could continue this list for a while, but my point. . .surely you get my point.

ABC is taking us to Miami to meet Nicole next.

Our girl ain’t about no hook-up or that culture, which she could find easily in Miami, she wants the real thing. Which is what has lead her to compete for the love of a man who will hook up with multiple women in his quest to finding his real thing. This is really a vicious web getting weaved. Her family is #1 and Nicole already knows that Colton is going to be very welcoming to her family as well as her life.

Let’s meet Kirpa.

Her first hope. . .Colton better floss. She believes it would be nice to clean Colton’s teeth, because with Colton that as close as one could get right now. Again, girl if you think his dick has never flossed someone’s mouth before, you are probably wrong. He’s 26 years old, y’all better start saying some prayers that at least his mouth has been where his dick has not. #AintNothingWrongWithOral

Dallas is giving us another and she’s “Hot Dogging for Colton”. She comes complete with the “vroom, vroom”. Lord, give me the strength.

Super bubbly and outgoing is how her friends and family would describe her. She’s never been in a serious relationship. She lives with her dad and stepmom and her stepmom’s hair. Her mom is in federal prison for embezzlement, the good news is if she makes it to hometowns, her mom should be out by then. Fingers crossed. She’s the first one concerned about Colton’s virginity, because she’s a believer in trying all the cupcakes before you decide on which one is your favorite. He’s about to date 20+ women, sampling flavors to discover your favorite may actually not be a problem in the end.

Now it’s time to meet The Bachelor.

Shout out to ABC and whoever decided to give us the montage of Colton working out and Colton in the shower. Much love. I have no shame, he’s fun to look at. #SayItLoudAndSayItProud He sticks to the standard script about how he never expected to be the next Bachelor. . .how he has room to grow. . .how he knows not everyone is going to like him. . .he now knows what he wants. We get to flashback to his childhood, complete with pictures. He talks about how he was the fat kid, didn’t have girlfriends, he felt alone. . .he didn’t gain confidence until later in high school and football gave him that. Even though his life is great, the one missing piece of the puzzle is his person. We also learn that he was ready to give Becca the ride he ain’t never gave another lady, but she turned him down and sent him packing. In the end he claims it was good for him, not the non-existent ride, but the shut down. Chris Harrison then sits down with Colton and talks about him being picked. They talk about how unpopular the pick was, his virginity, his expectations, you know the usual. He’s not sure if he wants to be hit with love at first sight, but he does know he wants to go into the experience and treat every relationship differently.

Actually, there are various decree medicines, that are the component of levitra 20mg price named sildenafil and cause harm to your auditory system thereby causing tinnitus. Not paying attention http://deeprootsmag.org/2013/09/26/as-the-bluebird-flies/ buy cialis cialis at early stage may further worsen your erection. It is recommended to take cost of cialis this medication 5 to 6 hours before the sexual intercourse and you are good to go! So, today, you should buy Vardenafil only after consulting with the physician. How can be treated? As mentioned, treatment depends viagra no prescription on the correct combination of the proven and effective drug when it comes to helping aging males complete satisfying sexual activities. ABC must be feeling the skepticism, because they decided to treat us with a segment of those from BachelorNation still together. . .and their kiddos. I won’t go into detail, but I will let you know who is still waking up with one another.

Jason & Molly 

Evan & Carly

JP & Ashley

Chris & Desiree

Jade & Tanner

Ryan & Trista

Arie & Lauren


To expedite things, I will do my best to fly through the limo exits, because as we all sit, watching, we do get embarrassed for some of these ladies and that’s really the ones I want to focus on. Don’t worry, the champagne is already flowing in the limo, so we’re bound to get some good ones. Demi kicked things off well by letting Colton know that she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12, but she’s excited to give it another shot. This is also the girl who has never been in a serious relationship, but since 12 doesn’t count as serious, she can keep telling that story. . .for now. Tayshia is next (does well), followed by Heather, then Nicole who wows him with her Spanish skills. Caelynn exits wearing her Miss USA sash, making sure he knows she’s a beauty queen, but under her Miss North Carolina sash, is her Miss Underwood one. . .talk about wishful thinking, she definitely gets points for creativity. Sydney lets him know that she quit her job as a dancer to meet him and he let’s her know that he is a terrible dancer. . .Dancing with the Stars will certainly be in his future. Elyse nervously exits, but Colton gives reassurance. With Tahzjuan exiting the limo, I finally know how to pronounce her name. Cassie arrives with a gift of fake butterflies, you know to represent the way she was feeling and corny or not, Colton kept one. Kirpa is excited and glad that it’s Colton, Caitlin decided to bring a red cherry balloon, which she then popped. . .get it, she popped his cherry, but that bears the question. . .do guys get their cherry popped? If she makes it to hometowns, I’m not sure who he’s gonna meet, because clearly she has no friends or family around to tell her how cringy her introduction was. She somewhat missed her mark, because Colton thought is was an apple. That moment was followed up with Courtney bringing him a sweet Georgia peach. I’m just relieved she didn’t compare the sweet Georgia peach to her sweet Georgia peach, though I’m sure that’s what she was going for. Katie brings out a deck of cards and then brags about taking his V-Card. #ProudParentMoment Next out is my worst nightmare and that’s a contestant dressed as an animal. The only exception is the shark/dolphin Alexis graced us with during Nick’s season. This one is not only dressed as a sloth, but talks as if she is one. I think the sloth is supposed to reference to how slow Colton likes to takes things. Anyway behind the costume is Alex D. Her and Caitlin should make good friends, because clearly they are lacking in that department. Onyeka gets to follow up the sloth and she was impressive. Erika brought him a bag of nuts, to symbolize her last name. It’s now time for Alabama Hannah and the Hot Mess Express to leave her mark. On a positive, she’s not wearing her Miss Alabama sash. Rumor has it Hannah and Caelynn roomed together during the Miss USA pageant, so one would think that they are friendly with one another, one would be wrong. There is visible tension between the two. Tracy pulls up in a cop car as the fashion police and hands him handcuffs, clearly she doesn’t know her audience. Angelique is sparkled out, followed by Devin. Revian speaks Mandarin to him, while Nina wows him with Kroatien. If you’re keeping track, that’s three foreign languages thus far. Alex B. brought cue cards because she is sick, while Bri decided to wow him with an Australian accent. . .she is from Los Angeles, so this should take an interesting turn soon. Laura arrives and quickly learns that her and Heather are wearing the same dress. Hannah G. came bearing a gift, his favorite brand of underwear and if you’re wondering what was in the box, it was empty, because according to Hannah, rumor has it Colton likes it commando. Annie was able to wow him when she was able to tell him how many points a team gets for a touchdown and if that’s the standard then I could wow him right down to his. . .never mind. Jane arrives with a framed picture of Colton’s dog photo shopped with her dog and it’s obvious that the one thing that didn’t improve over at ABC is their vetting procedures, because that is weird as fuck. Just as Caelynn is talking about the girl who is gonna stir the pot, Catherine arrives, so a message has been sent. She shows up with her dog, Lucy, and she leaves her in Colton’s care. Just when things couldn’t get crazier, Cinderella aka Erin pulls up in a horse drawn carriage, even leaving her shoe behind.

Now that every lady has stepped out of the limousine, it’s time for the champagne to really flow and some personalities to emerge. One of my favorite parts about night one, is when the ladies (or men) start talking amongst themselves about how hot and great the Bachelor/ette is. While we can all see the hotness, some of these ladies are talking that really know the man himself. Tonight, women were wowed about how much hotter Colton is in person, how good is face is (thank you Alabama Hannah), his scruff, his suit, his everything. Wow was used, because according to Devin there are no other words and she’s a journalist, so that statement speaks volumes. I’m not sure the type of men that Courtney usually invites into her space, but she describes Colton as welcoming and kind and that she has not ever met someone like that. No one? Ever? Girl, where have you been? Now it’s time for the fanfare, because Colton is about to enter the house. Demi is the number one girl tonight, first out of the limo and first to grab Colton and once again, the other ladies are left shook. Because of course, they never expected it to be so intense, so quick. Newbies, am I right? Meanwhile back in the living room, discussion begins around his virginity and Erika just needs to know why he is still a virgin. Because it’s so weird someone so attractive has never had sex. Those are her words not mine. I guess we have entered a time (or maybe we’ve been here all along) where we shun male virgins or at least the hot ones. Now it’s time to see if she puts her foot in her clearly well used mouth. Things start out well when he can’t even remember her name, but she jumps right in and asks him why he’s a virgin. If this is how she approaches meeting guys, how is it she’s not a virgin? This isn’t information she has earned. Every fucking year I wonder why so many beautiful people need to go on TV to find love, what is their default? Erika answers that question loud and clear this year. No worries, he does a good job answering her disbelief. I’m just embarrassed for her that any questions she could ask, those were the ones that flew from her mouth. The flirt game is pretty strong between Colton and Hannah G., just enough nerves to be cute. We do learn that Caelynn aka Miss North Carolina is originally from Virginia and only moved to North Carolina a year prior, which in the world of Miss USA doesn’t’ seem fair, maybe that’s why the tension is so thick between her and Miss Alabama. She’s now transitioned to the Miss Underwood sash and her fake eyelashes are touching her eyebrows. She does talk about her love for travel and how even though she is young (23), she does want to get married and that must do the trick because it doesn’t take long for Colton to lean in and put a target right on Caelynn’s lips. She later tells the camera that he kisses very well for a virgin, which would indicate that he doesn’t kiss very well at all, but since he’s a virgin, it can be excused. Isn’t she supposed to have some sort of etiquette training? She is a fucking beauty queen for crying out loud. . .clearly I am not. 

Sydney brings out a string quartet in the hopes of teaching Colton a thing or two, I’m just glad she didn’t say something crazy like. . .“he dances so well for a virgin”. We do learn that Elyse is actually from Alaska, which was up in the air on my Meet The Cast post. She decides to teach Colton how to fish. She apparently didn’t do a lick of research. I have no idea if he knows how to fish, but he is from Colorado, so chances are good that that is a skill he already possesses. Tayshia set up her own carnival, complete with games and pony rides. The pony was of course Colton and she got a ride. I’m not sure if there was supposed to be an underlying innuendo because right at that moment, the camera cut to the sloth hanging from a tree. I can’t even with this fucking sloth, who in their right mind told her that this was a genius idea? Things worked out well because she eventually has Colton peeling her out of that costume. Once the conversation gets moving, we quickly discover that she’s actually a speed talker and she seems to be a bit tipsy, which is an accomplishment considering that she was in a costume all night long. Catherine gets her shot after telling the camera that the girls may be beautiful but they are just statues with no substance. Her discussion gets interrupted by Tracy, who brought a pair of Vans for them to decorate, which then gets interrupted by Catherine, which then gets interrupted by Onyeka, who is wearing some snorkel gear. Catherine was not impressed, which she proves by interrupting once again. And once more after when Colton is chatting with Tahzjuan. So if we’re counting, Catherine has talked to Colton four times. She’s gonna be everyone’s BFF. Not that I’m defending her, but instead of sitting around complaining about how you haven’t had a chance to speak with Colton, just interrupt and take your shot. Cassie puts her communication skills to work and teaches Colton some sign language. He has a pretty decent convo with Katie, enough so that he is inspired to make her the second one he kisses. Alabama Hannah is showing us all why she is the conductor of the Hot Mess Express. Erin finally gets her time, one shoe and all. 

The time has finally come for Colton to hand out the First Impression Rose and the lucky lady this year is. . .Hannah G. and she accepts and she gets the third kiss of the night. 

Once Chris makes the announcement, the tears begin to flow. Girls are stressed because they haven’t had the opportunity to chat Colton up and show him what it is he would be missing out on if he sent them home. One thing to remember, the impression didn’t have to be made on Colton, they could’ve impressed the powers that be, wherever they are to get their shot at Paradise. Because let’s be real, that’s what some are auditioning for. The room is packed and I’m quite sure the pits are sweaty, it’s about to go down.

As usual, the ones sent wondering what happened, truly believe that a mistake was made and to that I say. . .why would you even want someone who doesn’t see your light. I also think that the sting is really in the rejection, not in the one rejecting.

“If you only ever have a vanilla cupcake, well how do you know you don’t like chocolate? How do you know you don’t like strawberry? I feel like you gotta try out all the cupcakes first to know what you really want. I’m the damn confetti cake.”         -Demi

“I am the first virgin bachelor.” -Colton

“Oh boy, I’m in trouble.”-Colton

“I’m gonna save these for the fantasy suite.” -Colton

“I really could’ve done a lot more than a bag of nuts.” -Erika

“I’m dating six times the amount of women I’ve dated in my whole entire life. In one night.” -Colton

“Oh my God, I heard that you were drowning in some bitches, so I came to save you.” -Onyeka

What happened to a simple introduction? Isn’t it better to be “Hey, I’m Merrie and I’m from Texas. It’s so nice to meet you and I can’t wait to have a chance to get to know you better.” Especially if you’re not naturally charismatic or funny. Keep it brief. I know everyone wants to be memorable, but what the fuck is the deal with the virginity? We would be outraged with ABC if they allowed a man to bring a cherry balloon to meet a virgin Bachelorette and say to her, “now that I’ve popped your cherry”. I’m about as liberal as it gets, but what has me scratching my head is wondering if any of these girls did their research. While we all know he’s a virgin, it’s clearly something that shouldn’t be the first thing brought up when meeting one another and it’s clearly something that he’s not too comfortable talking about. What I would’ve liked to have seen is when any girl brought up his virgin status, Colton would’ve responded with “when did you lose yours?”#AllIsFair

I don’t have many final thoughts regarding this episode, I am disappointed that Devin went, I thought they would be compatible. But I think if you’re not ready to either really impress once you step out of the limo or be a take no prisoners type of gal during the cocktail party. . .you should probably start sending up some prayers, because you’re asking to be noticed out of 30 girls and that’s a feat for anyone. But in defense of the ladies, every year the number of “would be’s” grows. There were 30 girls tonight. . .split them up and carry this into two nights. That would then give everyone an opportunity, maybe not an equal one, but one nonetheless. And it would give us a two night season premier. It’s a win for all.

On a quick side note, I think we could be seeing a Two-On-One with Caelynn and Alabama Hannah this year.

Once again, Chris Harrison is promoting this season as the most dramatic. . .he just needs to leave that opinion to us. But as the previews suggest, though they are usually 100% not accurate, lots of tears are gonna be shed, accusations regarding who is or isn’t ready for marriage with fling, and the ladies are all definitely playing a game of Who Can Get Into Colton’s Pants The Quickest. It’s gonna be fun.

 

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The Bachelor 2018 | Episode One Re-Cap | 01.01.18

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

The Bachelor Re-Cap | www.bxtchesbeblogging.comBXTCHES Gotta Warn: I feel like I should first issue an apology. This BXTCH kinda let shit just fall apart at the end of Rachel’s season and didn’t finish. Truth be told, I did have a lot of stuff going on and I did pull the same stunt towards the end of Big Brother, so I did at least spread the procrastination. But, in case you were relying on my re-cap to bring you whose hand Rachel did accept, well spoiler alert. . .it was Bryan. Now that we have that behind us, I think I speak on behalf of a pretty good chunk of BachelorNation when I say “Who the fuck is Arie and what did y’all do with Peter.” There was a collective heartbreak across America when Rachel broke Peter’s heart, but we mended the crack with the hope of Peter being named the next Bachelor, but ABC flipped us all the finger and went a route none of us saw coming.

I still don’t know who Arie really is. I didn’t watch his season of The Bachelorette and I suppose I could’ve done a bit of research, but the motivation just was not there. Although I did hear that he was the runner-up, so there is that. Maybe I feel like the spark is missing. And the more I watch the teasers for the show, the more I’m starting to believe that the sole reason Arie was picked is because ABC is able to use phrases like “JanuArie”. #cuetheeyeroll

We’ll discuss Arie a bit more later, right now we need to get to the business of meeting the 29 girls ready to cut a bitch for the chance to win his heart. Now, the first episode of the season is my least favorite. To have to watch women come up with “clever” (I use that term very loosely) ways to impress The Bachelor makes this BXTCH wanna cut a bitch. Look ladies, most of the work is done. . .you’ve made it to the introduction. . .all you need to do is make sure that your hair extensions have been tightened up, your lashes are secure and your tits are on point, you should know how to do the rest. Unless your usual MO is pulling up to a bar in a race car OR asking a guy to drop to his knees immediately after exchanging introductions OR asking a guy if he has a small weiner, while handing him a small weiner, okay that one was actually funny, then you should be reading from a somewhat familiar playbook. What I’m trying to say is this, if you put the work in and look the part, the rest will usually fall into place, even if your nerves are threatening to take over, it will at least come across as being sincere. And for the love of #feminism, please stop with the fangirling when you do actually meet The Bachelor. C’mon, this could be the man you’re about to marry, if your gonna fangirl at all, at least wait until the guy crawls between your legs and gives you something to fangirl over. You’re welcome.

Ali Harrington, 27-Personal Stylist

Amber Wilkerson, 29-Business Owner

Annaliese Puccini, 32-Event Designer

Ashley Luebke, 25-Real Estate Agent

 

Becca Kurfin, 27-Publicist

Bekah Martinez, NO AGE GIVEN-Nanny

Bibiana Julian, 30-Executive Assistant

Bri Amaranthus, 25-Sports Reporter


Brittane Johnson, 27-Marketing Manager

 

Brittany Taylor, 30-Tech Recruiter

Caroline Lunny, 26-Realtor

Chelsea Roy, 29-Real Estate Executive Assistant

Jacquline Trumbull, 26-Reasearch Coordinator

Jenna Cooper, 28-Social Media Manager

Jenny, 25-Graphic Designer

Jessica Carroll, 26-Television Host

Kendall Long, 26-Creative Director

Krystal Nielson, 29-Fitness Coach

Lauren Burnham, 25-Tech Sales

Lauren G., 26-Executive Recruiter

Lauren Jarreau, 33-Recent Masters Graduate

Lauren Schleyer, 31-Social Media Manager

Maquel Cooper, 23-Photographer

Marikh Mathias, 27-Restaurant Owner

Nysha Norris, 30-Orthopedic Nurse

Olivia Goethals, 23-Marketing Associate

Seinne Fleming, 27-Commercial Real Estate Manager

Tia Booth, 26-Physical Therapist

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Valerie Biles, 25-Server

Some fun facts. . .Brittane Johnson was on the reality show Ex-Isle, the same reality show that Blake and Lucas (Waboom) from Rachel’s season were cast-members. . .Annaliese Puccini is an actress/writer who has an IMBD page (check it out here). . .Bibiana Julian is a former Miami Dolphins Cheerleader who was featured in FHM magazine back in 2007 as America’s Sexiest Cheerleader. . .hopefully I’ll have more fun facts to come.

Arie is 36 years old, the average age of the cast is 26, with the youngest being 23 (though rumor has it Bekah could be 22-no age is listed) and the oldest being 33. 

Before we get to the good (another word I’m using loosely here) stuff, can we take a moment and for once admit that white girls look alike. It’s almost as if ABC wasn’t really checking too many boxes, but if you’re blonde and your hair flows freely down your back-you in girl. #disappointed However it is nice to see that we have EIGHT women of color represented. #canthaveitall

Because it’s been five long years since Arie was a fixture on Monday nights, ABC did give us a bit of a re-cap on his Bachelorette run, all the way down to the break-up. I didn’t watch his season, but here is what I now know. . .he appeared on season 8 of the show. . .Emily Maynard was The Bachelorette. . .he finished 2nd, behind Jef Holm (who won and eventually lost) and in front of Sean Lowe, who went on to star on The Bachelor (season 17) and find love. I guess it’s also no coincidence that ABC pulled in Sean Lowe as the one to give Arie pre-season advice. Even though it’s been a while since Emily broke Arie’s heart, he claims that he hasn’t been in love since and even though The Bachelorette was/is his biggest heartbreak, it did prove that he could fall deeply in love (on T.V.). #fingerscrossed We do learn that while racing may still be a part of his life, his career is now in real estate.

The Bachelor/Ette | It's Reality BXTCHES | Episode Re-Cap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.comNow it’s time for the worse part of the season. It’ll be boring as hell for me to go through one by one, so the best thing for me to do is grab the most interesting. Chelsea Roy from Portland, Maine may be one to watch. She is in real estate and a single mom to Sammy and when she says that she is looking for another good man to be in her life and one to show Sammy what it is to be a father. . .I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the baby daddy is non-existent. She’s hoping that since Arie has already competed for the heart of a single mom (Emily), there is a point sitting in her pro column. Caroline Lunny is in real estate as well, which she points out as a common thread for her and Arie, little does she know how common that thread will become, and no worries, she did grow up around cars, so call off the search, she has been found. Maquel Cooper is on the young side at just 23, but that’s just the tip, so to speak. It seems that the Utah native has already been married and divorced. But interestingly in her featurette, she says things like. . .“One day I’ll find love.”. . .“I wanna be married.”. . .“I really want to find someone to share a life with.” Oh, it gets better. Apparently her ex-husband, Josh Munday, wants her back. They were high school sweethearts who, according to him, just got married too early. And he already has Maquel fitted for her chastity belt, claiming that her conservative Mormon background will not have her hopping into the fantasy suite with the race car driver (see the interview, here). Tia Booth is a physical therapist from Weiner, AK. Her tie to the Bachelor world is Raven Gates (Nick’s season). Her and Tia are good friends and it’s because of Raven that Tia is giving reality love a shot. Kendall Long plays the ukulele and collects taxidermy, but does wonder why she has yet to have a relationship last more than a year. Who wants to break the news? We meet Marikh Mathias, a 27 year old restaurant owner, while she is working out with her trainer. . .with a full face of make-up, lashes and all. Really? That’s a sure sign that, that BXTCH has something to hide. However, we do meet her mom, cooking in a restaurant kitchen, also with a full face of make-up. Again, really? So the apple does not fall far. She is however, pulling a pretty strong Kim K. vibe. It seems that every season has at least one and Krystal Nielson is the this year’s resident personal trainer. She does have her own YouTube channel (here), but with only 32 subscribers and 7 videos, not a lot of attention is being paid to the upkeep. On a more philanthropic note, once she found out that her brother was living on the streets, she was spurred into providing some help for the homeless.

Caroline is first out of the limo and girlfriend took the expression #titsup very literal. Her girls are screaming to be noticed. Job well done. Seinne (also works in real estate) is the first to come bearing gifts. Elephant cuff links, her favorite animal, to be exact. Tia gifts Arie with a little weiner. I’m just gonna leave that right there. Britt stuck a “Nice Butt” bumper sticker to his ass, because while you’re not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, putting it on an Arie is just fine. Get it. Super fucking funny, huh? When our health and fitness guru steps out, she decides that Arie needs a little wellness prayer. On a side note: Every year I wonder how is it possible for so many attractive individuals to be yearning for love so badly that T.V. is where they go to find it. You always ask the age old question “how are you single?” and every year I’m able to figure it out within the first 30 minutes of episode one. Let’s continue. Bekah shows up in a classic car (insert whatever brand you imagine here), telling Arie that “I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic.” In my head she’s calling him the classic AKA old, but he seemed to interpret it a bit different. Bekah was one of the very few to admit that she didn’t know a whole lot about our Bachelor. Becca K. proved that friends are missing in her life, since not one told her it would look ridiculous for her to have him drop down to a knee as an introduction. Because that’s what she did. Good Golly Miss Molly, I would love to watch some of these ladies put their moves to work in a bar. Someone brilliant over at ABC decided to maybe save some trouble and put all of the Lauren’s into one limo. Lauren S. was followed by Lauren J., who brought him Mardi Gras beads as a clue as to where she is from. Did you say New Orleans? Yeah, you’re wrong, she’s actually from a small town near there, I still don’t know the name of it, but Happy Mardi Gras. Lauren B. is out next, followed by Lauren G., so in case you’re keeping track, that’s four Lauren’s. Ashley brings a fucking racing flag, because you know. . .he’s a racer. It was as if she asked the limo driver to stop at Hobby Lobby because she forgot her prop. Brittany T. attempted to woo him with some Dutch, but I’m thinking she picked up a book while Ashley was running into Hobby Lobby, because she may have meant for it to be sexy, but it came across as a small child who just learned to count in Spanish. Arie almost gave her a “you did so good” compliment. One would think it couldn’t get much worse. . .one would be wrong. Amber decides that the following is great “pick-up” material, hold tight, I’m going for verbatim here. . .“I own a spray tan company”. . .“Yeah, so you can imagine in my line of work, I see a lot of dick.”. . .“And I’m just hoping you’re not one.” And just when you begin to think that it couldn’t get any lower than Amber talking about the amount of dicks she sees, out steps Ali. What could Ali possibly have done? This bitch actually had him sniff her pits. Here’s the thing, I don’t know what’s worse, her asking or him actually doing. Last, but I suppose not least, is Maquel. She arrives in a race car, for the race car driver. She wasn’t driving it, she just got dropped off, but it made all the other girls jealous, so mission accomplished.

Chelsea does a good job at body positioning, because she puts herself right next to Arie when he makes his appearance and by doing so, she takes him first. She plays the mystery card and tells him that sacrifices were made for her to be there, but she’s not going into detail about those sacrifices (ahem, she has a kid). I think it’s really just a way to keep him wanting more. It may not sit well with the other 28, but so far, it’s working for her. She gets interrupted by Maquel, which triggered something in the single momma, so look out for a Chelsea vs. Maquel showdown. Brittany T. pulled some strings and brought in some hot wheels for a bit of a race. It seems #cliche is the theme of the night. But once again, it was something that worked, because she found herself attached to his lips and according to her, his lips are “like clouds, like pillows”, but no tongue, she didn’t want to seem too aggressive. Lauren G. food tested him with a pineapple, telling him that is her safe word, a little advice to Lauren G., I don’t think Arie is the kind of guy you would need a safe word with. Now, you may need a code word to kink it up a bit, but I think as for as “safe”, you’re good girl. There is a reason for my theory, hear me out. Jenna decides to give Arie a little pedi and Arie decides to label Jenna as “wild”. Yeah, this man ain’t throwing no one up against anything but a mattress. #straightvanillaBXTCHES We have now made it to the point in the night where the freak out has begun. The first impression rose has made its appearance, and the women are beginning to kick it up a notch. . .or twenty. It’s not only about who is going to make the last impression, but who has yet to make one at all. Some are kicking back and keeping their cool, just waiting their turn, while others are busy surveying to find out who has yet to be interviewed. Others, well one in particular, decide that one conversation just isn’t gonna be enough. So while Arie is busy trying to get to know Krystal, Chelsea walks up and whisks him away. On a side note: Everyone wants to sit and complain about being interrupted, which I agree is rude, but if it’s really that big of an issue, then tell a bitch no. She can sit and wait her turn like everyone else. Of course, just once I would love to see the Bachelor/ette tell one of the contestants just how rude it is to interrupt someone when they are speaking. Hello. . .parenting 101. But regardless of how you feel, Chelsea succeeds, her tongue is the first of the season to meet Arie’s. I’m actually torn on this particular action, but I’ll talk more about that in my Final Thoughts. I can say that even though Chelsea is most certainly the first villain of the season, she is also the one to land the very coveted First Impression Rose. 

It's Reality BXTCHES | The Bachelorette | Weekly Recap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

So, we know that Chelsea is safe, but who else tightened Arie’s pants just a bit. Here are the one’s given roses this week. . .

Annaliese, 32-Event Designer

Ashley L., 25-Real Estate Agent

Becca K., 27-Publicist

Bekah M., NO AGE GIVEN-Nanny

Bibiana, 30-Executive Assistant

Brittany T., 30-Tech Recruiter

Caroline, 26-Realtor

Chelsea, 29-Real Estate Executive Assistant

Jacquline, 26-Reasearch Coordinator

Jenna, 28-Social Media Manager

Jenny, 25-Graphic Designer

Kendall, 26-Creative Director

Krystal, 29-Fitness Coach

Lauren B., 25-Tech Sales

Lauren G., 26-Executive Recruiter

Lauren S., 31-Social Media Manager

Maquel, 23-Photographer

Marikh, 27-Restaurant Owner

Seinne, 27-Commercial Real Estate Manager

Tia, 26-Physical Therapist

Valerie, 25-Server

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor | It's Reality BXTCHES | Episode Re-Cap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

Ali, 27-Personal Stylist

Amber, 29-Business Owner

Bri, 25-Sports Reporter

Brittane J., 27-Marketing Manager

Jessica, 26-Television Host

Lauren J., 33-Recent Masters Graduate

Nysha, 30-Orthopedic Nurse

Olivia, 23-Marketing Associate

The Bachelor | It's Reality BXTCHES | Episode Re-Cap on www.bxtchesbeblogging.com

“. . .the point is, the guy’s a catch. And we’ve found some truly extraordinary women, from across America, who want to meet him.” -Chris Harrison

“His tongue is like, so huge.” -Kendall

“I hope Arie’s ready for my spice.” -Marikh

“Please tell me that you don’t already have a little weiner?” -Tia                                                               “I do not have this. So you did good.” -Arie

“Damn, that was a sexy entrance, in a sexy car and I walked out with a little weiner.” -Tia

As of today, I’m am planting the flag for #teamtia. I am still of the mindset that Nick screwed the pooch when he picked Vanessa over Raven. But all things do happen for a reason and now Raven has found love with Adam. So it should stand to reason that Tia is going to be a favorite. Now, I’m thinking that Bekah may have somewhat of a Corinne effect. She has yet to reveal her age, but she does have to be at least 21 to be on the show and with what little research I did, rumor has it she’s 22, which is super young, but Arie does seem to be somewhat smitten with her. I also think that Caroline may go far, but that’s all I got so far. Hopefully next week, I can add more to the list. 

Chelsea is going to be the talk for several episodes and I already know that she is not going to rank high for me. I’m going against everything I really believe in by saying she is the wrong kind of person for this show. And I mean desperate. She is desperate for it all. . .a husband. . .a baby daddy. . .a man of the house. First, I don’t think she would even be on the show if she didn’t have a kid. Just based on how aggressive she is on the first night, it is clear that she needs and is looking for that role to be filled ASAP. I don’t yet know how I feel about single parents being on the show. It’s not that I’m necessarily against it, but I do think that maybe they should carry themselves a bit differently. Shoving your tongue down a complete strangers mouth on national T.V. is one thing if your single and have yet to pass a child through your cooch, but once that breach has been made, better decisions need to be close behind. And we all know that the only reason she even swapped the spit was because she heard everyone talking about how Brittany T. had already kissed him. Look Chelsea, just calm the fuck down a bit, you’re gonna have to let Arie be the alpha if you have any hope in claiming him as your step baby daddy.

I don’t yet know how I feel about this particular Bachelor. I know BachelorNation wasn’t thrilled over Nick, but since I never watched him on The Bachelorette, I didn’t get or understand the villain vibe. In fact, I thought Nick was fucking hot and truth be told, that’s what we’re all looking at initially, right? I think Arie seems very nice, I just haven’t gotten the toe curling vibe from him yet. It could come, I’m just terribly confused on why go back five years when you had beauty staring you right in the face. . .in the name of Peter. 

Next week, we’re gonna have to discuss the age of some of these girls and it’s also time to discuss Maquel. Maquel who is 23 and has already been married and divorced. Maquel whose ex-husband is wanting his woman back. So, stay tuned.

The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN

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