BXTCHES Gotta Warn (#1): Tonight’s episode is two hours and the truth BXTCHES? It didn’t need to be. I get that a proposal is coming during the last minute and the need to keep us on our toes has been the goal of the good ole’ boys at ABC all season. But as a potential courtesy, this BXTCH will try her damnedest to speed up the process and condense this as much as possible. No promises though.
BXTCHES Gotta Warn (#2): So, this re-cap is coming about one week too late, but sometimes life just rears its big ass head and things must get pushed aside and sometimes BXTCHES get lazy and again, things get pushed aside. I’ll let you all decide which excuse best fits the delay of this re-cap. But because of my busy life and/or laziness. . .I’m gonna cut this shit real short and get to the point, especially since we all now know who it is that’s wearing the rock.
Last Week On. . .We learned that Nick does in fact know his way around the puss-ay and brought Raven some happiness that she had yet to feel. Vanessa was left with a lot of unanswered questions and Rachel was sent packing, but I’m sure those tears dried pretty quickly when she received the word that she was knighted the next Bachelorette. The Women Tell All followed the episode and the one thing we learned from that was that the women don’t really tell too much.
This Week On. . .It’s time. Will he or won’t he? It’s down to Vanessa and Raven and only one can be Mrs. Nick Viall and this is the night we find out who the lucky BXTCH is.
Nick has already met the families of both Vanessa and Raven, so it’s only fair that tonight they get to meet Nick’s, although technically, Raven has already met Nick’s mom, dad, and younger sister (Bella). Up first. . .Raven.
Raven has got to be every parents dream. She’s funny, polite, respectful, beautiful. . .from all appearances, answered every question “correctly”, even Bella let in on the fact that she was all #teamhoxie. For the sake of time, I will just go right in on Nick and Raven’s date. I gotta say, nothing too special happened on these last dates. She did greet Nick with the customary wrap around the waist and then the date really just proceeded like a final interview. For me personally, the best part of the date was Raven’s concern for Nick. She recognized the stress the decision making process must be doing to him and was really compassionate towards the journey. She reiterated her love for him and does a really good job of offering him support. Which I know sounds kinda loopy, but I’ll expand more on that in a bit.
When Vanessa meets Nick’s family, things go well. While Raven comes across as fitting right in, Vanessa (in my opinion anyhow) plays the role. She has crossed every ‘t’ and hit the dot above every ‘i’, all in order to ensure that she has completed the “What Does It Take To Make A Great Wife” card. She has a very emotional conversation with Nick’s dad, and I’m not entirely sure that it answered more questions than it left. The date was a very tense last ride, so to speak. While I do think that Vanessa has done her best to ace the wife test, she certainly has some insecurities, which I’m assuming is the norm when your boyfriend could be flipping a coin in order to figure out who his wife will be. Regardless, one of the most important conversations to come out of this date was when Vanessa tells Nick that if she is only slightly better than Raven, then she doesn’t want to be the one chosen. There is a lot of reassurances needed on Vanessa’s part and this continued into the nighttime. Assurances that Nick wasn’t really able to give her. Lots of tears (Vanessa’s) were shed and unless you happened upon a website during the course of the season and got a glimpse of a spoiler (thank you ASSHOLES for those) then you may have even been torn and not at all sure to which way Nick’s dick was leaning.
When Raven is the first to step out of the car, you know her time is about to come to an end. Now, Nick is very torn up over having to break her heart. Which is understandable. However, this BXTCH is calling bullshit on his “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line. There’s more expansion on that in my Final Thoughts. I’m not at all saying that Vanessa isn’t “The One” for Nick, but I do have to wonder if Raven’s laid back personality hurt her in the end. Her not being as needy as Vanessa may have put her right in second place. I think it’s sometimes easy to interpret needy for love and a part of me wonders if Nick didn’t fall into that trap. Regardless of my lousy opinions, Vanessa is the one Nick dropped to the ground for and of course, she accepted. So, now we wait for either a televised wedding or a new reality show on Freeform, if we’re lucky, we’ll get both.
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This was not as juicy as this BXTCH hungered for. Nick did have to face Raven, and true to her laid back style, she holds zero grudge and wishes him the best. Chris did invite her to Paradise and she accepted, so that alone is a reason to watch the hot mess that is that show this summer. When Chris does get Vanessa on the couch, she talks about how Nick gave her warning almost immediately on what she could expect from the season and how she avoided the Fantasy Suite episode all together. She confesses that they have had some “knock down drag out” fights, but didn’t expand a lot on that, but one is left to wonder. . .what in the fuck are they knocking down or dragging out, they haven’t even been with one another yet. . .but since no expansion is made, we are all left scratching our heads. The “I love being an American” but “I love being a Canadian” fight seems to be resolved when Vanessa tells us all that she will be moving to the good ole’ U.S.A. Lots of fan sites the day after would have you believing that it seemed pretty tense between Nick and Vanessa and while they were no Ben and Lauren, I thought things seemed just fine. But let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this shindig OR what was supposed to be goods. From the beginning of the episode, Chris announces that something big would be going down and threw around words/phrases like “never before” and “first time in Bachelor history”, so thanks to the dick holes who like to release spoilers, this BXTCH was really thinking that one of these women was gonna walk out sporting a baby bump, but did that happen? Hell no and I’m terrible tormented over this because I don’t know if this makes me happy or a little bit sad. The Dr. Phil in me, would say that this is a good thing, while my inner Maury Povich is utilizing every cuss word imaginable. But let’s get back to history. What ground breaking thing went down you ask? Well, Rachel is once again introduced as the next Bachelorette. . .ABC is milking this for every penny it can. . .then we braced ourselves for the news. . .Rachel’s show was going to start right then. Which was a little misleading, because all that really happened was several of the bachelors got to introduce themselves and it was as awkward as one could imagine. One motherfucker actually said something along the lines of “I’m ready to go black and never go back”, I hung my head in shame for all #whitepeople at that. I don’t care how fine you are, get it together. So, that surprise was a definite thumbs down. . .you got better in you ABC, dig a little deeper.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I was not #teamvanessa, (shocker!) my original pick from the get go was actually Danielle M., although I did have Vanessa in my final four. When the selections started to dwindle, I switched to #teamhoxie, because it appeared to me that his connection with Raven was more real. But here’s some truth BXTCHES, I’m not the one who has to dip my dick into the final choice week after week, that’s all on Nick AND while I may believe Vanessa to be a bit fake, I think she loves Nick and I do believe that Nick loves her. I’m a fan of Nick and I wish him and Vanessa the best. I refuse to say “luck”, because that’s not what love is about. . .believe it or not, love is about love. . .fuck luck, this isn’t March Madness, I may opine week after week, but even I can recognize that to wish for the ultimate failure of someone’s relationship is a real shitty thing to do, this is someone’s real life, not some mediocre blog.
Shows like this are tricky. As a viewer (and especially a woman) we tend to form opinions (good and/or bad) about people we don’t even know. . .but we think we know, right? There are times when I feel sympathy for these contestants, Nick alone has had so much vile (all puns intended) thrown at him, but after I sit back a bit, I realize that they have signed up for this. Don’t EVER go onto a show where you are hoping to find a spouse and not expect people to chime in, after all, we do know best (wink, wink). While I just spewed a bunch of words to convince you BXTCHES that I am not anti-Vanesa and that I am not crossing my fingers for a break-up and I promise you I’m not. However, I am skeptical and I’m gonna give you just one reason why. When Nick spent his date with Vanessa, there was a lot of consoling, there was a lot of reassurances, there was a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of tears. . .BUT. . .when he met up with Raven (in the evening) the first question she asked him was how is he doing? She was worried about him and what the stress of this whole process was doing to him.
Now, you can’t force love. Either it’s there or it isn’t. BUT, I didn’t believe Nick when he told Raven that he loved her but wasn’t in love with her. I think him telling her that was ultimately protecting Vanessa. She made it clear that she didn’t want to be just slightly better and I do believe that the only route for him to take was telling Raven that he wasn’t in love with her, he is the one that would have to answer to Vanessa for however he broke it off with Raven. Think about this. . .before word got out that Rachel was awarded the next season of The Bachelorette, didn’t we all see Nick falling in love with her? Even during the Fantasy Suites, he told her (and only her) that he was falling for her. By all appearances he was in love with Rachel, but by keeping Raven over her, would tell even the most amateurish detective that his feelings for Raven ran deeper than they did for Rachel. And I get it, we don’t get to see everything and they edit, blah, blah, blah. . .BUT I can only commentate on what I see and it’s hard to disguise chemistry. Know what I’m sayin’?
I know, I know. . .lots of Bachelor fans were very unhappy with Nick and him being awarded the Bachelor title and I guess if I would’ve tuned in to any of his Bachelorette episodes, I may have set up my tent in that camp. But here’s a bit of truth. . .I really like Nick, and while I was more #teamhoxie, and contrary to what my sister may believe, I am happy for him and Vanessa and in the end, I hope that he followed his heart and made the decision that was best for him and the life he wants to live with his one and only.
As we gear up for Rachel and her quest for the ever after, it seems that the only request from those in the Bachelor Fandom is more honesty and realness. As much as I have loved Ben and Nick, I only have lukewarm feelings for Jojo, things do seem to get a bit campy. And I get it, some of it has to be, it is T.V. after all. But c’mon, surely there is a way to keep the entertainment part alive, while giving us BXTCHES a true reality. And I know that sometimes you guys over at ABC have a hard time coming up with some original shit, so here are some of my best suggestions, well suggestions. . .let’s go super cas instead of super formal during the meet and greet and even during the cocktail parties. I’m all for seeing some hot ass men in suites, but let’s lay it back a little bit, its may help people relax. . .I’m good with the all day dates, but can we slow down with the extravagance of them. Throw in a baseball game and some beer at a bar. How many people actually go scuba diving or on private helicopter rides during the beginning of their relationships, hell how many people do those things deep into their relationship? But let’s get back to a bit of normalcy. . .Can we please get rid of the fake dinners? It looks ridiculous and as someone who appreciates a good meal a little too much, it’s also a bit offensive and wasteful. What’s wrong with just sitting and having a conversation?. . .Y’all have to slow down on the alcohol consumption. I love a margarita as much as the next BXTCH, but it’s embarrassing to watch some of these contestants humiliate themselves week after week, so much so that I’m sure they get hit hard with buyers remorse of some sort when they get the joy of watching it back. . .For experimental purposes and maybe a small hope that it would pan out, I would love to see an average Jane type of girl, someone without money, without the perfect family, just a girl who has been dealt a shit hand and plucked from Podunk USA and who picked her wardrobe up at Target. . .Vet better, that one should explain itself. . .As much as I adore Ben and Nick, I think that the stars of the show should start being pulled from the main pool of America and not from the previous season of The Bachelor/Ette. It seems that too many contestants are going on the show in the hopes of being selected as the next Bachelor or Bachelorette and not in the hopes of becoming the next Mrs. or Mr., we gotta fix that shit because that is part of what makes this franchise seem a bit fake. Take em’ or leave em’, I’m always available for more. You’re welcome in advance.
Until May BXTCHES. . .
