Category Archives: The Bachelor 2017 | Episode One Re-Cap | 01.02.17

BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, this is my 3rd round of blogging this franchise. Ben broke the cherry and Jojo almost ruined me, but now here we are with Nick and I gotta tell you BXTCHES, I’m feeling a renewal of sorts. But, I should also go ahead and admit the following. I’m not that familiar with Nick. I wasn’t watching this franchise when he appeared on The Bachelorette (either time) and as excited as I was for Bachelor in Paradise, I couldn’t really stomach that show. I was gonna blog it and I will try again this summer, but it seemed too much of a clusterfuck train wreck, one that was too gory for even my eyes. Now, I will say that the little snippet of Nick that I did get, I enjoyed, a lot. I actually wanted him with Amanda, but that’s probably another story for never. The whole point of this mini warning was really just to tell you that the negative smoke that has followed Nick. . .I don’t really understand, because my introduction came via Paradise, which was all good.

The first episode of the season is always tricky for me to blog. I already have a hard time watching the meet and greet because it’s so awkward, but there isn’t a whole lot happening on the first episode, so my words seem hard for me to grasp. But no worries, this BXTCH will do her best to encapsulate this episode through my flying fingers.

Cheers to you ABC, you know how to get the jaw dropped and the eyes wide. We get the privilege of checking out Nick while he is. . .running. . .showering. . .topless. . .fully clothed, does it really matter? Also, I’m one who believes that facial hair is not meant for everybody, BUT in this case, Nick is not meant to be without it.

ABC does take a small trip down heartbreak lane, we witness both Andi and Kaitlyn breaking his heart and that motherfucker almost got down on one knee with Kaitlyn before she stopped him and cracked him in two, so it’s mighty brave for him to risk it all again. I’m assuming that part of the nostalgia was for those out there who still have Nick on their shitlist and have yet to come around to him being The Bachelor, it is tragic to watch a guy’s proposal get turned down and it might just force the toughest BXTCH to loosen up a bit and I’m sure the other reason for the memory lane waltz was for those of us who are somewhat unfamiliar with Nick. Not only did ABC replay the dude getting turned down, twice. . .but we also get to see him spend some time with his family and that would make anyone more attainable. But if you’re still not sold, then my suggestion would be to hit rewind and watch him get into the shower again, that should do it.

AND. . .he is 36 years old!! I was shocked, but then again, maybe that’s not too terribly old for The Bachelor, we should talk more about it when they pick a Bachelorette who is pushing 40 (hint, hint). There are 15 girls who are 25 and under, AND four of those ladies are 23 years old, that means Nick had already experienced his first wet dream, most likely before they were even born. While I’m on the age hang-up, ABC did cast three ladies who have at least celebrated their 30th birthday. The top age being 31, way to cover the bases, guys.

Before meeting the ladies, he gets the much anticipated (insert sarcasm right here) advice from three previous bachelors. . .Sean, Chris, and Ben. It’s mainly just four guys hanging out and drinking a bit. The only advice that was really given was for Nick to be himself. Well, there you have it. . .keep it normal and be true to who you are, you know, when you’re dating approximately 25 people.

In true reality show fashion, ABC spotlights some of the contestants, and being the kind BXTCH that I am, I went ahead and bullet pointed them for you. You’re welcome.

• Rachel who is climbing that hill at 31 years old was born and raised in Dallas. She is an attorney who apparently cuts loose by dancing with her vacuum while singing into the handle. I’m starting to understand why it is ABC chose only 3 women who are 30+. Thanks Rachel.
• Danielle L. is featured next. She is 27 years old and owns three businesses. I’m assuming that they all have something to do with beauty, since she mentioned owning a nail salon, but hell, it could be a strip club for all I know. Don’t worry, girl. . .I ain’t hatin. Since she has the career portion of her life figured out, she is now ready to bring it all home and find someone to share it with.
• Vanessa is 29 years old and 100% Italian (she said it first). She also speaks several languages, so the others may want to keep an eye on this one, because if it wasn’t enough that she can woo her way into Nick’s bed by saying it in French or Italian or Spanish or even English, she is also a special education teacher and that usually gets the “aww, that’s so great” from everyone. And if she’s Italian, she can probably tear it up in the kitchen.
• Josephine is a 24 year old nursing student from California and from the looks of her small featurette, she may be the weird/loony one of the season.
• Raven is from Arkansas and owns her own fashion boutique at only 25 years old. To educate one on Hoxie, Arkansas. . .you go mudding, shoot your guns, and read your Bible, in that order. She also covers the three “F’s”-family, faith, and football. 
• Corinne from Miami is up next and there’s gonna be a lot to say about this BXTCH. She’s one of the young ones at 24, she helps run her family business, which is a multi-million dollar company, but that’s all we learned about it. Where it gets to be “what the fuck” is when she asks her mother to have Raquel bring her a snack. Now who is Raquel? HER FUCKING NANNY is who! Yes, a 24 year old has a nanny. . .still, at 24 years of age. And proceeds to let us all know that even when she moves to be on her own, Raquel is going with her. She works with her family, she lives with her family, she is always with her family. She describes herself as a “very serious business woman”, but it has been difficult to find true love. How she is still single, I will never know.
• Alexis the dolphin lover is next. She is only 23 years old and has a peculiar fascination with dolphins. She’s claims to be a fun girl and that walking to CVS in a sumo wrestling costume envelops the fun that radiates from her. This BXTCH whole heartedly would disagree on her definition of fun and she may very well give Josephine a challenge where the kooky is concerned.
• Danielle M. is a neo natal nurse from Nashville. She is 31 years old and is looking for love. Thank you ABC for clearing that up.
• Taylor is up next and she is another 23 year old. She is a mental health counselor from Seattle. Something interesting we learned about Taylor? She has a masters degree from John Hopkins and she rollerblades in hot pants, a sports bra, and helmet. Because you know. . .safety first.
• Liz from Vegas is next and holy one night stand does she have a story. Okay, you may want to sit down for this one. Liz actually met Nick at Jade and Tanners wedding (she was the MOH). I don’t really know who Jade and Tanner are, I just remember their wedding from Ben’s season. Well anyway, Liz met Nick at that wedding and yes. . .they got down to the biz-ness that night. . .with each other. The kick right between the legs? Once all the body fluids were exchanged, Nick actually asked her for her number and she said no. Crazy, right? She could already be Mrs. Nick Viall, but we’ll get to this more in a moment. I will say that she is a bit nervous that he isn’t even going to remember her, but c’mon. . .he had his dick inside of her, surely he remembers that.

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My theory is that ABC spotlights the ones who they want Nick to continue with, the ones above being some of those. But this is only 10 out of 30, so who knows who or what else is in the cards.

Now we get to the most awkward part of the show, it’s time for them to meet Nick. I know that this portion is necessary, but it’s weird to me that these girls arrive together in a limo and during their trip they discuss Nick. A man that they are hoping to call their boyfriend. This is a social experiment at it’s best or worse, depending on how you look at it. But, we are all salivating at the TV and creating fantasy leagues surrounding it, so maybe in the end we are the actual experiment. 

In an effort to save some time and you some reading (actually probably not), I’m gonna have to cliff notes this portion of the program. I don’t know what these ladies do to prepare for the big “30 second, first impression, one-on-one time” they get, but some of them needed a bit more mirror time.

Christen asks “how crazy do you think I am right now?” as she dramatically throws her fan to the ground. Ummm, bitch, not very. A cheesy pick up line would’ve done better, although she does tell him that she feels like she’s meeting a celebrity, so maybe nix the pick up line after all. I always wonder how so many beautiful people are so hard up for the ever after, that they relegated to go on TV to find it. Then someone like Christen comes along and some questions finally get answered. Taylor is the exact reason why an age limit should’ve been set. Apparently her friends thought that it was a bad idea for her to be on the show because according to them Nick is a “complete piece of shit”. How do I know they said this? Because those were the words that she chose to vomit with her greeting to Nick. She could’ve been like, “Hi, I’m Taylor. I’m from Seattle. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” Our girl was going for that first impression rose and she decided telling him that her friends, the ones that if they wind up hand in hand in the end, would hopefully be his friends, think that he is the equivalent to crap, was the best way to get it. Lauren was thinking comedy was the best approach when she told him that they were both blessed with horrible last names, which was an interesting way to compliment him, especially if her hope at some point is to take the said horrible last name. Here’s the funny part. . .her last name is Hussey and his is Viall, which according to her means together they are a Disgusting Slut, not really my definition of comedy. I would’ve chosen a different celebrity name to go with, but you do you girl! Ida Marie went all the way back to camp. Well, she’s only 23, so maybe not that far back, but since trust is a very important attribute to her, she does her intro with a trust fall. Don’t worry, he caught her. Olivia shows up in California with a fur coat on. I’m guessing it’s because she’s from Alaska, because she then gives him an Eskimo kiss, but she leaves her coat with Nick, I have no idea what any of that was about. I’m gonna give some props to Sarah, who runs to meet Nick, in sneakers. When she gets face to face with him, her line. . .“I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up to you.” Clever. I personally wouldn’t have chosen that avenue, but probably because I don’t run and would’ve had to have an ambulance escort me elsewhere. But hey, if you got the lungs, use them (wink, wink). Jasmine brings Neil Lane (the one who provides the rings) with her, which is awfully presumptuous, she even goes as far as to point out her favorite rings, she’s definitely a planner. I had to shake my head at that one, but confidence may get you far. Hailey (also 23) arrives with a joke. Get ready, it’s gonna have you cracking the fuck up (not really, I had to turn away from the TV actually). But here goes. . .“Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” No of course he doesn’t, but for fun, here is the punchline. . .“Neither do I.”-Oh, that’s because you don’t have any on, I get it. That’s not funny, at all. Age limit ABC, just mull it over. Astrid talks about sex and how her tits are real, but she does it all in German, which is impressive, except Nick has no idea what it is she is saying. But, I suppose an impact of some sort was made, he did recognize the word sex. Yay, Liz is out of the limo next and it’s during the voiceover that she admits to the sex part, but duh, that wasn’t hard to figure out. When she begins her approach, you can tell that she is hoping he remembers her, but he says nothing. However, once she is inside, the look on his face, tells a different story. It’s only when she walks away and Chris Harrison approaches him, that he then says he knows her, well he says he’s 99% sure, so maybe her puss-ay wasn’t all that memorable after all. But Liz plays it off as if she hoped he didn’t remember her and it gets interesting when Nick finally gets an opportunity to talk with her privately. Corinne gives Nick a hug token to cash in later. I’m guessing this is something she made for her nanny and thought it would work here as well. I guess it is cute when children make you gifts. I gotta admit, Danielle M. is probably going to be a front runner for me. She shows up with homemade maple syrup and he even samples it straight from her. . .finger. They don’t know each other that well yet. Jaimi compliments his balls while pulling her own out of her nose. Really it was just a piercing right between the nostrils, but she probably worked on that little bit for a while, so. . .“good job girl, way to pull that piercing out and compare it to his testicles!” Josephine fullfilled every expectation I had when she presented Nick with a hollowed out book and said “you’re a wiener in my book”. Get it? Because it’s a play off the word winner. Is the contestant pool thinning out? She then proceeds to feed a hot dog (uncooked) to Nick, Lady and the Tramp style. Seal it up Nick, that’s wifey material. There are rap songs written about chicks like Josephine. Brittany actually puts on gloves and has Nick bend over. I can only assume (because the show cuts to the inside of the house at this point) it’s for some sort of prostate tickle, now I always though the proper protocol was suck dick first, then insert finger into ass, but hey, maybe it’s what the young kids are doing these days. We got Lacey arriving on a camel, because everybody likes a good hump. Oh, the jokes are on point this season. But book ending this party is Alexis. Whose love for dolphins have her arriving in a shark costume. Now, she’s convinced that she is actually in a dolphin costume, it’s not, it’s certainly a shark. But hey, it’s not a red dress.

While these meet and greets (is that even what they are called?) are happening, the women that are inside the mansion are going absolutely nuts over the prospect that is Nick. I get it, you’ve seen him seek love three different times. He’s almost an enigma, but get your shit together. You can’t have your tongue in his mouth and then be all “OMG, I just kissed Nick from The Bachelorette!”. Tone the fangirl shit down, he’s not a celebrity right now. You BXTCHES have got to play it a bit more chill. It should be said that there are also a lot of ladies in red. Not only can we see this with our own eyes, but we can hear it when it is screeched in “OMG, we are all wearing red!” moments. 

Now it’s time for Nick to chit chat with the ladies. Unfortunately, it’s not as cutthroat as it was during Ben’s season, which is my only frame of reference. We did get some interruptions, but not crazy, like Olivia or Lace. And certainly not overly intoxicated, again like Lace. They certainly seemed more relaxed when it was just them and Nick. That could’ve been because of some wine, but whatever it was, worked in their favor. Well, for most of them. He and Rachel really hit it off, while Corinne continued to make things weird. She must’ve had a major art project go down prior to arriving in California because she made him a whole bag of tokens. We have yet to find out what any of them say, but going by the previews of this season, they are not any sort of token my children would’ve made for me. I’m guessing they’re more of the “prostate tickle” variety. She does interrupt his time with Vanessa, and she utilizes this interruption to swap some spit with Nick and holy shit, the girls are not happy about this. I’m thinking that Corinne is going to be to Nick what Olivia was to Ben. We can only hope so. My favorite moment was when he got to sit down with Liz. First, she actually tells the camera that she is glad he doesn’t remember that they had sex. BXTCH please! There is no woman alive who wouldn’t want someone as fine as Nick to remember the sex they had together. If your skills are on point, your ass better hope that he remembers, because at least he has something to look forward to. If you can’t suck a dick, then okay, maybe you don’t want him to recognize you or your mouth. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) for Liz, he knows who she is and seemed a bit offended when she told him that she didn’t think he remembered her. I think he’s more curious to why she hasn’t contacted him, she said no when he asked for her number, so the ball would’ve been in her court. She claims that she doesn’t want him to think she is only there because he is The Bachelor, but she also seems to be digging herself a hole with these excuses she is coming up with. She would have been better off just telling him, “hey, I thought you only asked for my number to be nice.” It’s kinda a lousy excuse, but it’s much better than what she was trying to serve up. I really think that her original thought was that maybe he was some sort of player, just after the hook-up and she went for it because it’s a good story to tell.

While Corinne thought that aggressive was the way to the first impression rose, she was wrong, that honor went to Rachel. I would say, no big deal, because Ben gave the first impression rose to Olivia and we witnessed how that played out, but Jojo did give hers to Jordan and I’m sure we all also witnessed how that worked out. So, I guess it’s a toss-up on whether or not getting that rose is a good omen. My favorite part of that process is seeing how the other contestants react to the one who swayed the best and in this case it was priceless seeing the expression on Corinne’s face when she realizes that maybe her kiss didn’t seal the deal after all. It’s time to hand out the rest of those thorny beasts and they went to: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and Liz. Thirty women showed up with the hopes of vying for the walk down the aisle and only twenty-two remain. 

“I know my heart’s ready. I know I’m ready to fall in love. I’m going to give it my all and I’m not going to let anything come between me and a really great love story.” -Nick

“You is so fine.” -Weird lady in grocery story

“I’m gonna give America a happy ending.” -Nick 

“Last time I dated someone, I didn’t know he was dating other people. At least this time I know.” -Astrid

Look, I may sound old as dirt when I say that maybe 23 years old is a bit young for a bachelor who is 36. But hear me out. First, it’s obvious there is a maturity gap between Nick and some of these contestants. Second, and Taylor, I’m talking to you. You are just entering the workforce and I think it’s fantastic that you have your masters degree and you are starting to get your foundation poured where your career is concerned, but shouldn’t you take a teensy bit of time and focus on that? Isn’t it asking a lot for you to get your career off the ground, get engaged, get married and follow all of that up with babies? Something to think about.

This one is gonna be a “twofer”. ABC, I think you should really begin to consider selecting the Bachelor/ettes from just a pool of people. Stop with selecting them from previous seasons. As a fan, I love the idea, but also as a fan, it’s weird as fuck to watch these contestants almost bust a nut when they meet “The One”. The fangirling isn’t cute, like at all. And I can only imagine how the actual Bachelor/ette feels. Actually, I can’t at all, but I’m guessing it’s gotta be awkward. But having said all of that, girls (and guys) stop acting like fools when you meet the enigma that you are hoping to do forever with. Do your research and just be cool, it comes across as more refined and mature, even if you’re having a ga-ga moment internally. Get it together, you’re making it a little funky to watch.

Look, I know it must be heartbreaking when your one and only turns you down after picking 22 other women to go round and round with. Good Lord, I hope you caught the sarcasm. You just met the guy. If you get turned down in a bar, do you go back to your table in tears, confessing to your girls that “he was supposed to be the one”? God, I hope not. You BXTCHES need to get your act cleaned up. If Nick didn’t pick you, then fuck him, he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on and there is going to be some lucky motherfucker down the road that isn’t going to know what hit him when you enter his world. Chin up, buttercup, there are bigger and better cocks out there for you. Take a ride on a couple.

For future contestants. . .please for the sake of “our eyes, our eyes!”, practice your introduction prior to putting it in action. Sometimes, a simple smile and “Hi, my name is _______”, will do the trick. Know your audience. This guy is 36 years old and some of you went at him like y’all are at a frat party. He is looking to give his last name to someone, not for someone to give him a quick hand job in the bathroom while someone pounds on the door. He’s gonna save that for a group date.

The way that the season previews are setting us up, it’s gonna be a joyous ride. And I won’t give much away, but I gotta give you this. . .Corinne is looking to cash in her own tokens, long before the fantasy suite.

Get going on the Fantasy League. You could start your own, but why do that when you can join the BloggingBxtches. . .and as soon as I can figure out how to link it, you’ll be able to join. Or you could search Blogging BXTCHES (games.abc.go.com).

Remember, The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN | 7pm CENTRAL.