BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Tonight is the episode that really kicks it all off. The process has begun. The hunt for Mrs. Underwood is underway. I do enjoy a two hour episode on entertainment value alone, however, two hours is a long time to process thoughts and take those thoughts to the keyboard. So, instead of watching, then rewatching to re-cap. . .I’m gonna watch and type, so I could very well contradict myself as I go.
We are doing things all kinds of different this season. The show begins with Colton doing a personal diary type of video kicking off day #1 of the season, the group date day. And no sooner than me typing how things were going different this season, the camera pans to the girls hanging out on the balcony, shouting “COLTON” for all to hear. It looks like some shit will never change. It doesn’t take long for Chris to show up and hand out the first date card. Before that though, he chats a bit with the ladies and advises them to take advantage of the time with Colton when you can find it, because basically time alone with Colton is where it is at. So, clearly there wasn’t enough interruptions on night one and Chris has been instructed to make it happen.
Week one is in the books and this BXTCH didn’t do too shabby. The categories for week one were: Receives a Rose (5 points); Receives the First Impression Rose (5 points); Brings a gift or uses a prop for her entrance (5 points); Wears something that sparkles (5 points); Cries (tears rolling); Wears the same dress as another woman to the rose ceremony (5 points); Speaks to Colton in a language other than English (5 points); Kisses Colton on the lips (10 points). Eight categories, you pick 10 contestants to fall into one or more of the categories. For each one you correctly guess, that girl gets a rose. Here are my results:
Overall, I scored 165 points with Hannah G. scoring the most at 30. This week (#2) the categories are: Receives a Rose (5 points); Goes on a group date (5 points); Gets a 1-on-1 date card (5 points); Receives a group date rose (5 points); Wins a sleep away camp night with Colton (5 points); Cries w/tears on face (5 points); Interrupts cocktail party chat w/a noisy prop (10 points); Kisses Colton on the lips (5 points). My lineup:
It’s never to late to sign up. . .you can do so here.
“You never forget your first date.” That clue belongs to. . .Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine. I’m a little shocked that he has only picked eight girls for the first group date, considering that there are 23 remaining, but I’m also kinda diggin’ it, the less the merrier. . .I hope. ABC is bringing out the big stars from the get go. This group date is being brought to us by Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman and is all about firsts. Now I know this isn’t going to be a sexually driven date, but c’mon, aren’t we really playing with this virgin theme a bit too much? Megan’s story was titled “The First Time I [bleeped] Someone”, I can only assume that the [bleep] is “fucked” and after she tells her story, I’m sure of it. Nick goes on to tell a story of the first time he “gardened”. You can just use your imagination there. Now it’s time for the ladies to work on stories of their own that focus on a significant first in their life. The point of the exercise is to share an important detail of their life with Colton, letting him in just a bit more, which sounds promising. Yeah, I don’t the ladies understood the purpose. They will not only be sharing their story with Colton, but with an audience of 200 people as well. Nicole seems to maybe have the early edge since she writes for a living, but if she were to get a case of stage fright, then all could be lost. Colton is really feeling Hanna G., not only did she get the first impression rose, but he is also giving her advice for her performance, telling her that if she gets nervous to block everyone else out and just imagine he’s the only one in the room.
Colton gets things going by telling the story of his virginity and how uncomfortable he is speaking his truth. The story revolves around the first time he told a teammate the truth about his sexual experience. Allegedly, Colton had a teammate that thought it was okay to ask him how many girls he had slept with. Colton decided then and there to own his truth. It was a great story and all, but who in the hell thinks it’s okay to just ask someone how many girls they’ve been with? Anyway, Elyse is the first of the ladies to go and her story revolved around her first time dating a younger man (Colton), her usual go to is men that are older, as many years as 13, she is 31. I think we need to finally get an answer to whether or not, this early on, anyone is actually dating. You are on a date, but theoretically, it could be your last one and I feel that the word dating implies more than one date (at least). But Elyse was very charming and funny. She even ended it by telling Colton that she could teach him a thing or two, because that’s what all men want to hear. Now it’s time to see Nicole’s storytelling skills. We didn’t get to hear a lot of it. Her first was about the whitest bread she has ever tasted and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t speaking about the loaf kind. But I also don’t remember her kissing Colton on night one, so who knows, maybe Wonder Bread does it for her. I have no idea the first Hannah G. was trying to convey. She talked about being ignored at school dance after school dance, but then Colton gave her the best rose she has every received. And I got stop right here and dig up the goods, because I ain’t got nothing against a hot BXTCH, work your shit girl, you earned it. But I cannot stand a hot bitch who tries to take the one thing us plain BXTCHES got going for us and that’s rejection. That’s our playground and I am not sharing my swing with anyone. Hannah is currently 23, the picture below is from 2012, which would put her around 16-17. Now I ask you, does this look like someone who was rejected school dance after school dance?
Bri talked about the first time she felt comfortable in her own skin. Onyeka talked about the first time she saved someone from drowning in some bitches. Catherine talked about the first time she was the bitch Colton was drowning in and someone tried to save him, but how she’s a good swimmer akin to Michael Phelps, so there was never a real threat of Colton drowning. She didn’t even have to write her story down, she went freestyle. Tracy starts to talk about her first time trying to date a virgin, but don’t worry, she’s not talking about Colton. She went all the way back to her sophomore year of college and how her and another girl were gonna compete for the president of a fraternity, who happens to be the virgin. The other girl punched her and got to capture the flag first, but Tracy did get her chance to mattress dance with him and according to him, it was the best sex he had ever had. Though I’m guessing no one had the heart to tell her that his sample size was quite small, but good for Tracy. Last up is Demi and even I can’t wait to hear what she has to say. Let’s just sum it up like this. When Demi sees something she wants, she’s bold enough to go and get it. Which then leads her into the audience, taking Colton by the hand and planting one on him in front of God and the girls. Someone needs to catch this girl up, clearly she hasn’t heard of the #MeToo movement. And though I was embarrassed for her and felt a bit of compassion for Colton, I was not disappointed. However, I don’t think the girls were dazzled. Especially when she ends by telling the crowd how that was the story of how she got the first group date rose. . .on a group date that has yet to end. Earlier Nick asked Colton who the crazy one was, I think we may have our answer.
Cocktail party kicks off with a Colton Pep Talk and then the gloves come off and even though Tracy was hoping to grab him first, Demi beat her to the punch and if you’re keeping score, it’s Demi-2 everyone else-0. Last week I said that I see a Beauty Pageant Two-on-One in the future, and while that may still happen, it’s looking more and more like a Tracy vs. Demi showdown. While the girls are pretty shocked that Demi one upped them again, the good news is that there is only EIGHT girls, so everyone should get their chance to sit down and try their hardest to give Colton the wet dream of his life. While the other girls feel as though Demi forced the kiss (#MeToo and #MeAlso), Colton appreciated the confidence. Demi is trying to either convince Colton or us that she is a “total woman supporter”, I’m not buying it, but I’m also not the one kissing her in the next breath, so clearly Colton is sold. I don’t know much about Tracy, other than the basics and her fat shaming tweets, but she has the look of a woman that would cut a bitch and when Demi comes out and picks up the group date rose as if it already belongs to her, Tracy gives her a look that says Demi should probably sleep with one eye open. We learn from Elyse that all the ladies 27 and over, share the same room, penned as The Cougar Den and call themselves Colton’s Cougars. Colton was impressed with Elyse’s performance, calling it “sexy”. Their conversation flowed well enough to earn Elyse not only a kiss, but a little tongue as well. Let me stop here and admit that Colton seemed a bit more at ease with Becca. I know it’s only the second episode, but having already played the game, I would think it would flow better for him. And while I know that first kisses aren’t always jolting with electricity, so far his seem to be awkward. I’m really gonna need for that to get better. In the meantime, Tracy is taking the rose touching business a bit far. It’s not the rose that the Beast has hidden in the West Wing for fuck’s sake. It’s not cursed because she touched it and while I think Demi was a tad immature, Tracy is taking it further. Tracy confronted Demi and Demi is “totally sorry”. Problem solved. Demi thinks that she’s gonna play the role of Christian Grey while Colton will fill the bill of Ana really well. I will back up a bit and swallow some of my words, because his chemistry with Hannah G., is pretty strong. It appears (so far) that they are in the beginning stages of a relationship or at the very least, dating. And there really isn’t too much awkwardness when he kisses her. Nicole discusses her family and how much they mean to her and her conversation went so well that SHE is ready to propose. Tracy tells him how her age has helped her know what it is she wants in a partner and Bri shared the photo booth with him. In the end the one who made the best impression and gets awarded the group date rose was Elyse. Demi was left confused and disappointed and Nicole was left with a tear streaked face because even though Colton made her feel comfortable enough to share that she has a twin brother who is autistic, she actually thought by sharing that bit of personal information would guarantee her the rose. Evidently she has never seen the show.
“True love is on the horizon” and Alabama Hannah has been awarded the first one-on-one date of the season. Time for a little history. I’ve only been watching The Bachelor since 2016 (Ben). His first one-on-one date went to Caila, who made it to the fantasy suites, but finished third that year. Nick gave his first one-on-one to Danielle M., who didn’t even make it to hometowns. Arie treated Becca to his first, but we all know how that turned out. The point? If history tells us anything, things aren’t looking too good for Hannah. Not only did this date happen on her birthday, but she finally did beat Miss North Carolina and by the look on Caelynn’s face. . .this pageant is far from over.
Prior to the would be groom arriving, the girls admit to one another that jealousy is starting to settle in. Actually Onyeka is the one who admits it, the others just nod in agreeance. If they are jealous, they ain’t showing it because surely they are aware that Colton will show up to the mansion to pick Hannah up, therefore having an encounter with everyone. Wouldn’t this be the perfect time to see if you can influence his head to swing your way. . .all puns intended. These BXTCHES look like they just rolled out of bed and I don’t know if I’m shocked or impressed. Hannah wastes no time letting Colton know that the day is actually her birthday and based solely on that interaction alone, I already know that she is someone who is gonna need affirmation loud and often. She is going to require the standard social media posts about how lucky his is and she’ll pose for a “candid” shot, then post it with “my boo caught me napping”. . .no worries, she will certainly reciprocate the love. If you’re wondering what it is that Colton looks for first in a girl, it’s eyes then teeth and Miss Alabama can place both of those attributes in the plus column. Now it’s time to mount. . .horses.
Hannah confesses to the camera that one of her “flaws” is her confidence and her need for everything to be perfect and if it isn’t, then she thinks she’s horrible (her word). She sometimes doesn’t feel good enough and while she is more aware of that, it is something she struggles with. It’s when she starts doubting herself that things start to spiral.
We kick off with a birthday toast and Colton’s goes very well, it’s when he puts her on the spot that one begins to wonder how she ever made it through the interview process in any beauty pageant, much less made it all the way to the Miss USA stage. Bless her heart, she wouldn’t have been able to string together a sentence if Colton promised to lay her down and blow her back out right there. Our girl was struggling and I’m afraid her earlier words just may have been a premonition of what’s to come.
When she tells Colton (in the hot tub) that the date is probably the most romantic she’s ever been on, even Colton gave her a “really?”. Say it again Colton. Their hot tub talk should’ve been somewhat sexy and flowy, especially since she has already told him how romantic the date is, but all she’s doing in smiling. . .like a lot. . .an uncomfortable amount. And I’m half convinced that the eyelash he made a wish on wasn’t just sitting on his face, up for grabs. I’m starting to think that Alabama Hannah plucked it right out.
The evening takes them to the Queen Mary and I’m not talking about myself. Colton didn’t learn a damn thing about the daytime part of his date because he kicks off this portion with a toast as well “to taking chances and opening up”. #HeresHoping After some awkward silence, it takes Colton telling Hannah that she doesn’t have to be perfect all the time and that is what finally gets her talking. And what question does she lead with you ask?
First, I’m thinking that maybe I should just go ahead and have Gretchen Wieners ready to go for every contestant. But Hannah did it. Of all the questions, in all the land, that is the one she came up with. She could’ve went to her pageant bank and stole one from there. But once again, Colton gives a really good answer, he looks at his virginity as an accident, but he is glad he is where he’s at now. He does mention how initially it was engraved in him to save himself for marriage and from my recollection (I could be wrong) it is the first time that he has mentioned anything about virginity and marriage going hand in hand. She tells Colton that she always had it in her heart to save herself for marriage, but it didn’t work out that way and after she gave it up for the first time, she felt a tremendous amount of guilt and I think this is the part of the date where Colton is starting to connect. She does say that she is telling him everything, though the only thing she has shared is her not being a virgin, so either some good stuff or just stuff got cut out or her whole life experience is her losing her virginity. And I still don’t think she’s brought up her pageant history and at the time this was filmed, I’m pretty sure she is the reigning Miss Alabama, which is something to brag about. Even though the date didn’t start out the way Colton had anticipated, the night ended well enough for him to give her a rose and a kiss. And he must’ve really sealed the deal, because the Hot Mess Express can already see herself falling in love and a real future with him. Her man (her words).
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As soon as Hannah’s name was read on that date card, you just knew that Caelynn was gonna take issue. Now that Hannah has driven off with Caelynn’s boyfriend, just joking, he belongs to everyone. Caelynn confides in one of the girls that her and Hannah know one another, but no one knows that. If no one knows, then Hannah hasn’t told anyone that she was Miss Alabama, because Caelynn wore that sash on the first night like she was getting ready to compete again, so everyone knows who she is. Caelynn tells the camera that her and Hannah did room together and were super close, but things fell apart when Caelynn was named runner up and Hannah didn’t even place. She is claiming that Hannah has two sides to her personality and it’s not gonna take long for the switch to flip. Heather confides in Cassie that she has never kissed anyone before and Cassie shares the same shock we all did, which for me is disbelief.
“I camp fight this feeling anymore.” Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, Heather. It’s time for Camp Bachelor and the second group date of the episode and a part of me really believes that the girls came together to coordinate the outfits because almost every single one of them is wearing black yoga pants and a sports bra of some type, maybe uniform specifications was on the memo. Grilling, red rover, duck duck goose, bad minton, football, it’s all on the menu. Billy Eichner arrives with Chris to split the girls into two teams. The losing team goes back to the mansion, the winning team gets to have a sleepover with Colton. The girls get changed and believe a BXTCH when she tells you that somebody somewhere at ABC is having some 80’s flashbacks. . .these girls are decked out all the way down to the football socks. And if my memory of 80’s camping movies is on point, someone may be close to crossing a sexual finish line. . .or getting murdered by a serial killer who can’t be stopped. . .at this point it could be a tossup. Red Team is represented by: Caelynn, Heather, Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, and Alex. Wearing yellow with pride is: Kirpa, Courtney, Nina, Sydney, Erika, and Caitlin. In the end, the red team pulled it off and gets to camp out with Colton.
Katie and Colton have a discussion about being competitive and the pressure of the competition. They make each other jittery apparently and that was enough for some kissin’. Heather decides that this is the night to confess to Colton that she has yet to even kiss another person. Cassie thinks that it’s endearing and could cause their relationship to grow even faster. . .Heather and Colton’s, not Heather and Cassie. Heather’s fear is by telling Colton, he would define her as the girl who hasn’t been kissed, instead of it just being a part of who she is. . .again, these girls need to know their audience. Colton steals Heather away and she doesn’t ask why he’s a virgin, but she does ask about him telling Becca he was a virgin, which leads her to telling him that not only is she a virgin, but she has also never even been kissed. Colton was shocked, but not put off. He goes on to tell her that he would never think less of her and she should never feel ashamed. Her fear is more centered around him thinking her inexperience would make her not ready for a relationship or commitment. Colton was able to put her mind at ease which was then followed by some awkward silence of will he or won’t he. In the end, it was won’t he, no kiss was exchanged. My personal thought is it would be better if he waited to do that on a one-on-one. But he didn’t consult me, so I have no idea how it will play out, I just have a hunch that her first kiss will be with Colton and we will all be a witness to it. Caelynn gets her turn and we get to see if Alabama Hannah’s is right and Caelynn does use her time to throw the Hot Mess Express under the bus. The conversation is really just Caelynn telling Colton more about who she is, about how she loves working with kids, about how she almost died when she was two. I don’t think Hannah has to worry about Caelynn talking about her (yet), I do think she needs to worry about the chemistry Colton and Caelynn have, because there wasn’t much lacking during their one-on-one time. Not words, not chemistry, not even kisses. In the end, it’s Heather who wowed him the most and she is awarded the group date rose.
The yellow team has arrived back at the mansion and shared the news that the red team has won and the prize is camping with Colton. I don’t think the other girls are handling it well aka Demi, especially when Catherine drops the idea that if the temptation is strong enough, Colton could be persuaded. Both Hannah’s are having some issues with the sleep away camp, Alabama Hannah more so because Caelynn is with him and according to her, she is the only person in the world that she has a problem with.
Someone must’ve gotten some good stock footage of Colton showering, because once again we are blessed with it. . .Praise Be. Prior to Colton’s arrival, the girls are giving each other a pep talk, while Demi is telling the camera that things are probably going to get aggressive, “especially with the older girls”. She is also happy to watch their demise. Courtney is up first and her mission is to show Colton who she really is, mainly because she feels she was robbed of some important one-on-one time during the camping date and she believes that they could really hit it off. She is rocking some beautiful eyes and nice teeth, so check and check. The conversation starts with Colton bringing up her leading the yellow team, which she owns proudly, but I’m not sure that’s a good thing, the team did lose, but Colton was/is impressed. We then learn that her leadership skills come from being the oldest of five, her youngest sibling is TWO years old. She is 23, so let that sink in. The conversation flows pretty good, she talks about her family and how she’s ready for the next step. He talks about how he was impressed with her. No kiss, but all in all, good. Stress is running rampant amongst the girls who lost in the group date, especially Sydney. Because she already knows that she is something that he is looking for, he just hasn’t seen it yet. Which leads her to be the first interruption of the night. It seems that she is getting her point across, her and Colton are starting to have a bit of chemistry, that is until Onyeka embarrasses herself by blowing a airhorn to not just disrupt, but halt whatever was gonna happen between Colton and Sydney. She then even has me embarrassed for her when she tells Colton that she was feeling “a little bit horny”. Sydney continues the streak of embarrassment by pulling out some kitchen equipment and banging her way out the door. Onyeka tells her that she ain’t leaving and to come back in five minutes. JFC, I don’t know what is happening here, but this would be a great time for Colton to excuse himself and as any parent would tell you, refuse to reward that type of behavior. If he really wanted to set himself apart from any other bachelor, start sending bitches home for acting that way, because is that really the type of woman that anyone would want on their arm? Demi must’ve been feeling shown up by Onyeka, because as soon as she has heard the commotion and the story, she takes off upstairs and returns in a bathrobe. Of course, Colton is having some one-on-one time with Tracy when the Corinne wannabe interrupts with the rouse of wanting to show him something. All she is winds up doing is giving him a massage. Everyone is in shook mode and if it isn’t clear by Demi’s behavior when she comes back downstairs what her MO is, which by the way, isn’t attaching her ball to his chain, then none of them are paying attention. Demi tries to console Tracy and while I know from the get go that she is as fake as a Kardashian ass, even I made a WTF face when Demi tells Tracy that she is one of the most amazing women she has ever met. Finally Chris shows up and it’s time for some decisions to be made.
Remember, the women who already have roses: Elyse, Hannah B., and Heather. That leaves 20 women praying. I don’t know if the stakes are higher this season or if these women are really wanting to be Colton’s fist, but we are only on our second rose ceremony and the stress is pouring off of these contestants. And of course Tracy and Demi are standing next to one another and while I understand why, one year someone is gonna snap and snatch whatever it is that’s fake off of someone. You can’t continue to throw gas on a fire and expect for it not to ever burn you.
“Today is a damn good day to fall in love.” -Chris
“And like any good story, we hope that it is full of adventure and romance and is brought to a rousing climax.” -Nick
“Elyse in her performance she got up there and was willing to admit that she was older in front of everybody. I thought she was so brave for doing that. It was so bold of her. I mean, there’s no advantage to being an older woman here.” -Demi
“I just got my heart ripped out of my chest.” -Annie
I don’t care what game you’re playing, losing sucks and I can only guess that it sucks even more when you lose the opportunity to camp with the love of your life, you know the one you’ve only just met but know he’s the one? Yeah, that one. However, I wish some of these ladies would just rely on themselves to seal the deal. I don’t think every girl remaining is a quality catch, the odds are never that much in someone’s favor, but I’m sure there is still a good bunch remaining and I’m sure that some of the good eggs were on the yellow team. And I hate to pull the Mama Merrie card, but just be yourself and if a man can’t see what you bring to the table and how fantastic it is, then fuck him. But y’all look ridiculous crying over something out of your control on only the second episode. Save that shit for just missing out on the fantasy suites.
To piggyback off of the camping. . .for anyone to think that there even could’ve been a possibility for Colton to be so seduced by one of the ladies that he would just go ahead and give it up, should probably go ahead and pack her bags because it’s clear that she hasn’t been paying attention. He’s waited this long, do we really think it’s gonna be that easy? Not to mention ABC would flip their shit. Surely there has been conversations about when he’s allowed to have himself devirginized.
No bitch can do Corinne like Corinne and it’s clear that Demi is trying her best to give our queen a run for her money. Corinne not only snuck into Nick’s hotel room and almost reached her destination, she also rode him in a bounce house and did it while we were loving to hate her and hating to love her. Demi’s little ploy tonight was embarrassing, not only to watch, but it should’ve been for her as well. It’s time to acknowledge that Demi isn’t lining up in the hopes of getting a ring put on it, that BXTCH is auditioning for a starring role on Paradise.
Let’s talk about Demi and the massage. Actually, let’s talk about the reaction the girls had to Demi and the massage. First, it was plain to see that Demi wanted to show up Onyeka and getting to do that while sticking it to Tracy is what her dreams are made of. It was obvious that some, if not most of the girls really thought that Demi was about to crack through Colton’s pants. And while I never once thought of that scenario actually playing out, but if it did, I think it would be safe to say that Colton’s virginity was non existent way before ever stepping foot into that mansion.
I think we definitely need to discuss Annie. Prior to the season, it was rumored that Annie took to Snapchat (and I think Reality Steve has the evidence) commenting about how she broke up with Colton because he is “weird as shit”. Well, after Annie got sent packing tonight, it appears that maybe she was fibbing just a little bit. In her defense, I don’t think anyone who wasn’t chosen to participate in a date of any kind, should be sent home and this week that would be Angelique and Annie. Whether someone is meant to be or not, once you make it past the first night, a chance has been earned. And the first date only had eight girls, which I appreciated, but the second one had twelve. We couldn’t add two more?
