BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First, this is going to be a long ass re-cap, but well worth it. What do you expect with a 2-hour episode, I gotta cover it all. Second, I should really call this Last Week On. . . but, why change a good thing, right? So, last Monday wasn’t all that juicy, but it was the very first episode. We did lose six guys and out of those six, Jojo should’ve kept at least Peter (in my opinion) but that’s just me being totally shallow. I know nothing about the guy, except he is hot as fuck, but I do know she kept Daniel, who stripped down to his undies, and a couple of other guys who I personally think weren’t on her “pick list”, but what do I know, I am merely an observer. Tonight should be interesting, because we start the dates. There are two group dates and one one-on-one date, and of course, we will be saying goodbye to even more who are “Desperately Seeking Wife”. Just joking. . .I’m totally down with this reality love shit. Let’s dive right in, BXTCHES.
“To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” I know this should’ve made the quotes of the show list, but it was so good, I couldn’t wait. So, guess who’s been catching up on his Emily Dickinson? That’s right, Chad. . .and after tonights episode, he is definitely making his presence known. And this is how episode two kicks off. While I actually thought the toast was quite clever, the others in the house, not so much. Too sensitive? Maybe, but it doesn’t take long to figure out that the guys are either super intimidated by Chad or they just know the kind of guy he is and it’s not too good.
Group Date #1: Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells , & Robby.
The clue. . .“Lets Heat Things Up”, and to get the inferno started. . .ABC thought it would be a great idea to set a limo on fire, which was a little corny, but it did produce Jojo in a fireman’s uniform. . .with a hose. . .that she was wielding. . .to put out the fire. . .which I’m quite sure the guys were imagining her wielding another type of “hose” that’s used to start an entirely different set of flames, so all in all I guess it did the job. The guys then arrive at a training academy for firemen, which is a bit unfair considering that Grant is an actual fireman and is included in this date, so how shameful would it be if he didn’t just obliterate the other guys in whatever is going to happen at this academy. So, they get decked out in the uniforms, which I must say. . .good job Jojo or whoever it is that picked this date, because really, who doesn’t enjoy seeing hot men in a hot uniform? The purpose of the date (if there really is a purpose, other than hot men in a uniform, how many times am I going to say that in this paragraph?) is the guys competing in drills and the top three then compete to “save the girl” and that winner gets some extra Jojo time. Unfortunately for Wells, this is not the occupation for him, the fact he didn’t drop to the ground from a heat stroke, surprises the hell out of me. He does manage to get a medic called, but it all works out in the end, because Jojo is concerned enough to go spend some time with him. And, because of his “never quit” attitude, Wells actually makes it in to the final three, we didn’t see him past the first obstacle, but he certainly gets an “A” for effort. It comes down to Grant and Luke. . .Grant coming out the victor (SHOCKER!). All that really means is he gets a few extra minutes of alone time with Jojo during cocktail hour.
Cocktail hour kicks off with Jojo getting to learn a little more about Grant and the other guys actually sitting around talking about who they think will get the rose, which I actually thought was amusing. I expect it from the women, not so much the men. . .I suppose that makes me a stereotyping BXTCH, but I’ll own it. Jojo gets in some quality time with each guy and her biggest question/concern is about past relationships the guys have been in. And of course, she takes some time to make out. I was expecting it to be more awkward than it actually was, in fact, it was pretty steamy, I guess in the end the fireman challenge did serve a purpose. Wells almost passing out did some good in the end, because he may have failed at being a firefighter, but who gives a fuck when he winds up with the rose in the end?
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .Chad fills up a suitcase with all of his protein. . .not his “protein”, but his supplements, then secures the suitcase around his waist and does some sort of pull-ups, while the other guys look on. Now, while I did enjoy watching this very public display of “my dick is bigger than yours”, I did think it was a bit on the strange side. . .but hey, whatever gets your “protein” a movin’. James Taylor (not the James Taylor, but a James Taylor) and the rest of the guys, sans Chad, decide to have a kumbaya moment and write Jojo a song, and yes, it is as cheesy as is sounds.
ONE-ON-ONE Date: Derrick is the lucky one and he must really impress Jojo on this date, because if you don’t get the rose at the end of your time together, you go home. The date kicks off with some choices needing to be made. Choice #1: Sky or Sea (Sky wins); Choice #2: North or South (North wins and South is pissed). . .these choices get them to San Francisco where they must decide on Choice #3: Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street (Golden Gate Bridge, of course). This gets them a pretty romantic picnic overlooking the Bay and the bridge. Derrick is certainly feeling the fireworks. Nighttime arrives and Jojo’s curiosity goes back to past relationships and what happened to end it and Christ on a cracker, what is it with the “I don’t let people in, because I get hurt” AND “I haven’t really talked about this with anyone” sappy stories? Well, let me ruin it for you BXTCHES, Derrick was in love and got cheated on and guess what that got him? On The Bachelorette, that’s what, so Derrick, who should be the one crying now? Flip that bitch the bird and shove your tongue down Jojo’s mouth like she belongs to you. You know that hussie is watching and now she is crying to Ben and Jerry. Anyway, back to our normal programming. . .Jojo gives Derrick the rose and he rewards her with a little tongue action. There you go, Derrick, climb back up on that horse.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .they are still singing that damn song, which the only lyrics I know are “JjjjJojo. . .JjjjJojo”, go ahead and get that stuck in your head, you’re welcome. Chad and Daniel are bonding, bromance style, while discussing the dangers of falling for the nice guy, when in the end, the bad guy is usually the nice guy and the nice guy turns out to be the bad guy, but not in a good way. Got it?
Group Date #2: Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, and Chad.
The clue. . .“Prove your love to me and the nation”. Not to put down vaginal nation, but these guys are worse than the fucking women. Three guys go without dates this week (Brandon, Chase, and James S.) and Kleenex should go ahead and sponsor this show because these guys are devastated. I get it, you wanna chance to crack the code, but Chad keeps it real when he tells the guys that basically they have gone their entire lives without knowing Jojo, just wait a day or so, it’s not a big deal. I’m sure it’s easy to say that when you’re the one who gets a date, needless to say Chad’s extra commentary is causing his enemy list to add up. The guys arrive at the ESPN studios and I’m quite sure a couple of hard-ons filled it up below the waist and if they didn’t, they can always turn to Evan. Plus, this is probably the closest the pro-football playing Jordan has ever been to actually being on ESPN and it took The Bachelorette to make that happen. Their challenge is taking place on the set of SportsNation (or BachelorNation, ABC y’all sure are cute) and they must first “Strike a Rose” which has them doing an “in your face” type of dance. You know, like “I just made a phenomenal play and now I’m gonna celebrate by acting a fool”. Trust a BXTCH when she advises you to not watch that segment, please. . .I was embarrassed for them. Especially Jordan. . who, one would think he would have a celebration dance down, considering his “pro football” status, but no, he doesn’t, not even a little bit, like at all. I thought Nick was actually “Tuning in Tokyo”, but it was his version of taking a shower, so yeah, that’s what you missed. The next challenge is “Eye on the Prize”, which has the guys getting super dizzy, then dropping or attempting to drop to one knee and proposing to Jojo. This challenge is fantastic and it’s all because of Chad. He just comes with a simple “will you marry me?” and then tells Jojo that she’s a “little naggy”, but in his defense. . .he’s not going to say what he loves about her because he doesn’t know her and he has a hard time understanding how these guys are already saying things that they love about Jojo, but his point is, how could they know what they love about her, if they’ve only known her for maybe a week and he let’s that known during the press conference portion. So, while the guys may think that Chad is the #1 douchecanoe, I can appreciate his honesty and I think Jojo is appreciating it as well. Once the power rankings come through, James T. is on top, followed by Chad, then Alex. And once the top three are announced, I’ve decided that these guys need to visit a LowT center. . .quickly, either that or get them a tampon, because being so emotionally affected by Chad, can only be attributed to either low testosterone or being on your man period, c’mon, that has to be a thing.
Cocktail hour arrives and since James T. came in first in the power rankings, he gets Jojo first, with a little bit more time. He does pull out a note that I suppose he wrote, maybe so he wouldn’t forget what he wanted to say to her, akin to an Oscar speech and while I thought it was sweet, albeit dorky, Jojo was moved by his words. He did get himself a kiss, but I wasn’t feeling that. I think he’s sweet, but I just don’t see him with Jojo in the long run. Each of the guys gets their time with Jojo and I just wish they would treat the short amount of time they have with her more like a first date in their real life. I understand why they would be kissing her ass, but I think it’s overly fake. I know Chad is pulling in the #1 spot in Prick Power Ranking with the rest of the guys, but he does seem to be hitting it off with Jojo. They make a wish at the wishing well that ends with a connection. . .of their lips. . .that was pretty hot. . .you did good Chad. The group date started with Chad not understanding how the guys can already be in deep with their feelings for Jojo, but ends with him admitting feelings and giddiness about Jojo. . .that BXTCH must have one magical tongue. Chad’s wasn’t magical enough however, because James T. winds up the winner of the group date rose. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m the one not feeling a Jojo + James T. connection, because he’s doing something right. . .“jjjjJojo”
BXTCH side commentary: Look, I’m just as excited about Jojo being the Bachelorette as these guys are, maybe not just as much, but close. However, I cannot wrap my head around how quick these contestants are to claim her as “the one”. Do we really know that much about her? Okay, she’s beautiful, has a great rack, fantastic hair and a pretty nice tan. But there hasn’t been any really deep conversation, just a whole lot of “let me pet you and tell you how pretty and perfect you are”. I understand we don’t see it all, but c’mon, it’s the beginning, you know there hasn’t been talk about world viewpoints OR does she recycle OR does she prefer her Christmas tree to be real or fake, I’m talking the important stuff here BXTCHES! These guys don’t even know if she sucks dick well or even at all, what are you going to do then. My point is, stop with the “she’s my dream girl” crap. I’m sure she is someone’s dream girl, but it may not be you.
ABC certainly saved the best for last. Cocktail party/rose ceremony starts out with the fellas wondering where the hell Chad is, and Chad is outside
waiting for Jojo getting some fresh air when Jojo pulls up and since Chad just so happens to have an extra glass of wine, he offers it to Jojo and takes the opportunity to get in a little convo and a quick kiss. . .that was some fresh air alright. When Chad walks in with Jojo, ABC should’ve had a photographer at the ready, just to capture the moment the guys realized he was outside with Jojo the entire time. Chad may have Jojo on the brain, but the fresh air has taken him away from the kitchen and must’ve put him behind nutritionally, because the way this is edited, has Chad eating during the ENTIRE rose ceremony and maybe it wasn’t meant to be funny, but it was fucking hilarious. Chase is one of the three guys who didn’t get a date with Jojo and holy hotness, he more than makes up for it during his one-on-one time with her. He somehow arranged for fake snow to be rained upon them and made promises to teach Jojo how to snowboard and the time ends with Jojo on his lap, so who really needs a group date? Chad is really pulling out the stops, he doesn’t hesitate to interrupt both Alex and Evan’s time with Jojo, so this incites the boys to call him out, twice. The first time they surround him, we learn that Chad has absolutely no rhythm. We learn this when Chad has a little one-on-one time with the camera and compares the posse to that of West Side Story, dance and all. Alex calls out Chad’s inability to talk to Jojo the way he talks to the other contestants. Do we really want him talking to Jojo and the guys the same way? It seems like that would be a different kind of show. The second time he gets confronted, we learn that Chad has a bit of a temper and bring back the firemen, because the fuse has been lit. Alex is the leader of the “Care Bear Posse” and I’m actually quite surprised fists didn’t get thrown, the word “bro” did however, a lot.
We started the episode with 20 eligible bachelors and will end with just 17. In the course of two group dates and one, one-on-one date, we lost, James S., Brandon, and Will. So, from the pre-disposed ABC fan favs, James S. the “Bachelor Superfan” is gone. My only complaint about Jojo eliminating James S. and Brandon is that neither of them were picked to participate in any of the dates and maybe, just maybe, she should wait until she has had the opportunity to have some lengthier one-on-one time with them before she crushes all hopes of them finding the one to share their last name with. I mean, James S. did seem like he would be able to get some good belly laughs from you, but I suppose if Jojo actually knew that his “occupation” was listed as “Bachelor Superfan”, that probably didn’t help his cause.
“The last time I pulled a hose like that, was probably back home when I was in my apartment.”-Daniel
“The best thing about Jordan is his brother. The worst thing about Jordan? He’s not his brother.”-Chad
“When you miss a meal and look like that, it’s detrimental to your progress. At least that’s what I heard from him, I wouldn’t know.”-James S. (on Chad’s eating habits)
This news is amazeballs. . .next week we get two, yes two episodes (Monday and Tuesday) and we may actually see those fists flying because it seems like Chad is about to show his other side.
This is going to sound super bitchy for me to say, so I apologize in advance. To ABC. . .please remove the “pro football player” title from Jordan’s name. For his occupation, just put whatever it is he actually does now. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be proud of the fact that he was on three NFL teams, he should be, but with Aaron Rodgers as his brother, he probably shouldn’t brag too much about his practice squad NFL career. I’m afraid he thinks the “pro football player” title makes him sound cooler than it actually does or he actually is. . .pick your poison.
Obviously, I have no idea what’s going to happen with Chad, but if by some chance, Jojo doesn’t pick him, please, for the love of Jerry Springer and just my pure entertainment, let Chad and Olivia hook up, somehow, somewhere and let it be televised.
Jojo. . .girl, you have to stop bringing up Ben and Lauren. You don’t want a love like them, you want a love like “Jojo and ______” (fill in the blank). I get it, you got burned, but every time you bring up Ben’s name, it just reminds people of the fact that he was somebody you were in love with (and not that long ago) and I may not be an expert, but my guess is the ones who are hoping to be the one you fall in love with, certainly do not want to be compared to Ben. Do you girl!
Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 8pm EASTERN and 7pm CENTRAL.