BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, last season of The Bachelor (Ben the Bachelor) was the very first time that I have devoted my time to an entire season of the show. . .and holy shit. . .I LOVED IT!! My love for all things “reality ever after” doesn’t change the fact that I’m still a bit cynical and somewhat sarcastic when it comes to this entire process, but boy oh boy, am I addicted! Just a quick FYI, since last season was my very first crack at The Bachelor, this is my very first time to devote myself to The Bachelorette and since I feel that I’m already invested in Jojo, then I’m certainly going to be head over heels in love with this season of the ‘Ette.
Now, if you missed last season on The Bachelor, you missed quite a lot. But, here’s what it boils down to. . .Ben told both Lauren and Jojo that he loved them and I for one really thought Ben was looking for Jojo to be Mrs. Ben Higgins. Obviously Ben didn’t consult this BXTCH and instead he went with Lauren (I guess it’s not about me, though). But, all is good. Ben + Lauren is looking like a Happily Ever After AND we got Jojo as the new Bachelorette. So really, we’re all winning in the end.
BXTCH side commentary: These episodes are like forever long, I’m not really complaining, but because they are 2 hours, these re-caps tend to run long as well, not 2 hours long, but close. I would apologize, but I feel they are certainly entertaining, so apologizing is almost an injustice. Just read. . .enjoy. . .and don’t forget to tune in next week.
Tonight was episode #1 and you all knows what that means. . .awkward introductions. . .best first impressions. . .worst first impressions. . .who’s the drunkest. . .and the question that I’ve actually been wondering since Ben ended his season. . .will the men be just as crack ass crazy as the women? Now, I’m not yet sure what the answer to that question is, but I can tell you this. Someone has already stripped down to the skivvies, there’s a Santa Claus, a self-proclaimed Bachelor Superfan and the only selling point you will need to tune in week after week. . .an erectile dysfunction specialist is one of the contestants. Okay, there are many other selling points, but I’ll get to those later.
There really isn’t too much to tell (or really spoil) about this episode, it is after all a meet and greet, but oh good and plenty, this episode does provide us with lots to still talk about.
Let’s just start at the beginning. Jojo kicks off her season with sitting down with three former Bachelorettes, Des, Kaitlyn, and Ali. I actually only recognized Ali, but after doing a bit of research (aka Google), it’s time for a little bit of:
BXTCH side commentary: Thanks to wetpaint.com, this BXTCH found out some interesting stats tonight. After 20 seasons of The Bachelor (Ben was season 20), there are only 3 couples who are still together (season’s 13, 17, and 20), so that seems like an awful lot of. . .”well, I enjoyed the exotic dates and getting to know you away from the real world, but now that we’re back to actual reality and life is officially kicking my ass and I’m in the middle of my 15 minutes, you don’t look so good for me.” Now for The Bachelorette stats. . .after 11 seasons (this season makes #12), 4 couples are still going strong (season’s 1, 7, 9, and 11), so the ladies who do the picking seem to have more luck. . .or wisdom, go with whichever one works for you. Now, digging even further in (thank you wetpaint.com) there are 6 “unofficial” Bachelor/ette couples who came together after their respective seasons. Some are from different seasons of The Bachelor/ette, some are spawned from the Bachelor in Paradise franchise. So, I suppose with a grand total of 13 couples together, all in thanks to The Bachelor, which I suppose, “started it all”, maybe, just maybe something is working.
Let’s get back to the episode. After Jojo was able to seek some advice from the ladies, two of which were successful in their “hunt for a husband”. Both Des and Kaitlyn found their HEA (hopefully) via ABC and Ali isn’t doing too shabby, she is expecting with her other half, so any advice may be good advice for Jojo at this point. But I think the advice that she should actually hold onto is. . .focus on compatibility AND whichever guy you’re actually drawn to the most, ignore him for about a week AND be careful of the super hot ones (that’s just great advice all around, reality show or not) AND learn to recognize love from lust. All great advice, except the main reason we’re actually tuning in, other than true love and all that jazz, is for the super hot ones, so please bring it on.
Jojo is left with the daunting task of having to dwindle 26 guys down to 1 (life is a true BXTCH, right?). Before they start the meet and greets, ABC is so gracious that they actually highlight several of this season’s contestants. Which, let’s be real, is ABC’s way of secretly saying. . these are the ones that we have selected to be fan favorites and want to move well in to this season. We start with Grant the Firefighter, he’s from San Fran and knew from an early age he wanted to help people (if he starts with that, he should be golden). Then we move onto Jordan the Pro-Football Player (former), he is actually the little brother of Aaron Rodgers and of course, I know who he is, however, I had or have no idea who the fuck Jordan is or who he even played football for, I even Googled him and after looking at his “football career”, he’d be better off putting down “Aaron Rodgers’s little brother” on his resume, but I’m more interested to see how her family interacts with him (if he is to make it that far), they are from Dallas after all. Moving on to Alex the Marine. He’s from California as well and has tats, rides a motorcycle, and has a twin brother, the only thing he doesn’t have, is a lot of height, but this is coming from someone who is as tall as, if not taller than the average male, but other than that, what else do you need? Next is James the Bachelor Superfan, do I really need to say anything else about this guy? Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist is knocking on the door next. He’s from Nashville, not too terribly attractive, but does know how to make a dick hard and keep it that way, so score one for the doctor of all things cock (maybe not an actual M.D., but I’m sure what he does gets the job done). He threw A LOT of puns into his interview. . .“A lot of what I do, is just you know, pump up my guys and gettin em excited.”. . .”It’s a hard business.” I’m not sure if he is just that linguistically creative or just really a dork, I’m leaning towards the latter, but stay tuned for my diagnosis. Ali the Bartender is from Santa Monica and they didn’t focus too much on him, so this BXTCH doesn’t see him sticking around too long. Christian is a Telecom Consultant from Los Angeles and judging him by his interview, he likes to work out, like, a lot. He’s does have some personal stuff from his childhood and being the expert that I am, you know, with one season under my belt and all, this shit is going to come up in some deep talk that he is inevitably going to be having with Jojo at some point, she is going to “understand”, because she has some issues of her own and a connection will be born, or so I predict. Look out for Luke the War Veteran/Rancher from Texas. Okay, he’s got a lot going for him. I can already tell you that this guy is going to know exactly what to say and when to say it, when it comes to knocking Jojo off of her feet. So, I guess only time will actually tell if these guys will make Jojo just as hard as they made ABC.
The “Holy Shit, what in God’s name are they thinking” award surprisingly, doesn’t just apply to the ladies. I even thought that these meet and greets will be a little less tame, not as embarrassing, just all around, pretty normal, since we were dealing more with the state of Pennsylvania rather than Virginia, if you know what I mean. I don’t like to imply that women are bit more of a hot mess when it comes to this particular situation, but c’mon, when women are dealing with a gorgeous man, anything goes, including sanity. Turns out, men may not be crazy like the females, but they’re really weird. Watching some of these fools (for lack of a better word) attempt to make a lasting impression on her, while it is certainly entertaining, is really uncomfortable. That’s not to say that some didn’t pull off whatever it was they were trying to do to open Jojo’s eyes. I can even understand the need to stand out, I mean, Jojo showed up to meet Ben with a unicorn head on, but if you’re going to do it, commit to it and for the love of reality romance, practice that shit, so you’re not left looking like the wrong kind of fool and doing a run through in front of your peeps will allow your true friends tell you whether or not whatever schtick you’re planning will actually work. Santa, as in Claus, even showed up, and he was determined to keep up appearances because he left that damn suit on for the entire night and you know that fucker was producing some serious heat, in all areas of his body, imagine that, but it worked because he got himself a rose and Jojo sat on his lap. Who’s laughing now guys?
Back in the house, the guys are actually starting to feel the stress of the evening. They’re busy sizing each other up and of course, judging how each one after arrives and greets Jojo. It’s actually a bit refreshing to see that men are just as insecure and catty as the women can be. When it comes time to having some one-on-one time with Jojo, all the guys are pretty nervous, comically so. But then Jordan steps in. He’s very relaxed, able to hold a conversation without stuttering. And thank the football gods he doesn’t bring up his brother, I’m sure he will, but we’ll cross that Green Bay bridge when we get there. Ohh. . .and he does get in a kiss, so score one for the ball player, y’all. I’m not sure when these contestants are going to learn, but consuming enough alcohol to cause an entire AA meeting to fall right off of the wagon, isn’t really the right way to go, is it? I mean, one guy (Daniel) gets so intoxicated that he actually takes off his clothes, well, down to the undies. Which, guys still wear tighty whities? Or in his case. . .tighty blackies? Have we not converted all of male America to boxer briefs. I think we need to start some sort of movement. . .
#noboxerbriefsthennothong OR #tightywhitiesequalsgrannypanties.
Tighty whities aside, Daniel is just plain awkward, he’s poking belly buttons (see quote below), wearing a tie that would fit my eight year old (without being too big), and doing some really strange type of body building poses, shirtless. When Jojo has to actually ask you if you’re wearing a thong, you may want to reconsider some of your choices. But Daniel isn’t the only one to make you squint. Guys are walking in on Jojo and her confessional, which by the name alone, indicates it should be private. There are actually guys who didn’t use or maybe don’t know how to use their mouth to brain filter, and thought that maybe it was okay to bring up things that I can only imagine are still painful for Jojo. I guess the age old question of “I wonder why they’re single” just got answered.
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I actually thought that Jojo would give the first impression rose to Jordan and guess what? This BXTCH was spot on. Now, that doesn’t say much considering I also predicted that Ben would give the first impression rose to Olivia and John said it best, when he said. . .“Olivia got the first impression rose last season, and she got left on an island.” There you have it.
Out of 26 men, 20 get roses. So, that leaves. . .Sal, Nick S., John, Jake, Coley, and Peter looking elsewhere for their matrimonial ending. I will say that our ABC pre-disposed fan favorites are all safe and I don’t like to think that things are rigged in any way, shape, or form. . .but Daniel gets a rose, for crying out loud. This is someone that she had to tell to put his clothes BACK ON, like you would your two year old who has a penchant for running around, free-balling it, without a care in the world. Interesting, I guess we’ll have to see how it plays out.
“If you’re feeling it, like, feel it.” -Desiree Hartstock
“I’m half Chinese and half Scottish, but luckily for me, I’m half Scottish below the waist.”. . .”I’m not wearing any panties.”-John
“At any point tonight, you feel like you’re getting stressed, I give you permission to squeeze my balls.” -Sal
“If I was gay, I’d be in paradise.” -Daniel
“You better be able to do a push up with a girl sitting on you.” -Jordan (I think)
“You never poke another man’s belly button. I don’t care what the scenario is.” -James F.
At the end of episode one, we get a glimpse into this season. . .and let me tell you BXTCHES, it is going down. Lots of “I Love You’s” get said, it seems that maybe men are just as into this idea of finding love, so much so, that violence is going to be an issue. Oh, mercy me. . .it’s gonna be Jerry Springer good.
There were four Lauren’s last season on The Bachelor, with one of them taking the ring in the end. There are three James’ on this season of The Bachelorette. All three are still in the running, so keep your heads up guys, it actually may all be in the name or sharing of the name. Either way, the odds are certainly in your favor.
Well, that’s all for this week. It’ll get more interesting, trust. Stay tuned.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
