BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, I didn’t post a re-cap from last week’s “Women Tell All” and truthfully, the women didn’t tell too much, it was kind of a bummer. This season of The Bachelor was the first season I have ever committed to and I honestly thought that when an episode is titled “Women Tell All”, that all of the women were going to return and either hash it out with Ben or hash it out with each other or maybe a bit of both. Now, there was certainly some back and forth happening (see Olivia vs. Emily and Olivia vs. Amanda), but it wasn’t the full on, claws out that I was hoping for. But, I do think it is only fair to maybe touch on a few of my favorite things that did happen during that episode.
Who knew that there was secretly some sort of a race conflict going down between Jubilee and Jami and Amber OR I should probably promote it as. . .Jubilee vs. Jami and Amber. Here’s the scoop. Apparently, while in the house, Jubilee was bragging on a couple of different occasions, on how she is going to be the “black girl who has gotten the furthest”, I’m assuming she means in Bachelor history, but who knows, what I do know is that it pissed Jami and Amber right off. Not only that, Jubilee allegedly would also boast about being the only real black contestant. Now, it doesn’t take a genius to see that Amber and Jami are both bi-racial, both have a black parent, so Jubilee’s ridiculousness really had them going. Jubilee doesn’t deny speaking about her “blackness”, she does however refuse to admit she ever said anything that diminished the “blackness” of both Jami and/or Amber. What does this BXTCH think? Jami and Amber were looking for a few more minutes of time in the light and used this as a way of obtaining it. The only other girl in the house who was able to corroborate the story of our two bi-racial queens, was Shushanna, and I think she would’ve said anything to get the camera to focus on her a bit.
Crazy Lace was back and she did not disappoint. When pulled down from the ladies to speak with Chris, Lace did explain why she felt it was necessary to leave the show. She needed to work on herself before she could truly give any part of Lace to anyone else. It was all very Dr. Phil like, but here is the best part. Turns out, crazy attracts crazy, because some nutbag (the penis wearing kind) in the audience stands up to proclaim his fondness for Lace. This screwball tattooed himself (along his torso) with a picture of Lace, yes, you read that correctly, a picture of Lace. This guy is a fucking idiot who must not get the business on the regular, because the first thing any lady wants to see when they’re getting ready to stick your dick in their mouth, is the face of another woman tattooed on your body and while their head is bobbing up and down, they want to certainly be able to look into the eyes of a woman that is not them. But the best news of the night was revealed when Chris invited Lace to participate in Bachelor in Paradise (and she accepts). I have never seen the show, nor have I ever even been tempted to tune in, but you can bet a BXTCHES left tit that she will certainly be tuning in for that!
Olivia was just one big wide mouthed disappointment. I really wanted to see her crazy come straight out of her jacked up toes, but all she did was turn on the tears and give her own prime time special with her sob story. First, Emily called her out on her shit and didn’t really hold too much back (man, I love Emily). Jen got her some jabs in as well by letting Olivia know that other girls enjoy reading and having intellectual conversations as well. Amanda had her say about the “Teen Mom” comment, Olivia apologized again and Amanda (eye-rolling from this BXTCH) accepted the apology, I know, I know, she’s a mom and she needs to set a good example. . .blah, blah, blah. Fuck that, she needed to make Olivia sweat it out a tiny bit more, but I digress, let’s get to the goods. When Emily calls Olivia out for bullying the other ladies, Olivia (who looked really good and her hair was amazing) claims she was bullied a lot as a child. Does this BXTCH believe a word of that? HELL NO! Anyone who was truly bullied as a child knows the kind of pain that does to your soul, so you would never wish to inflict that onto someone else. She did seem upset about the bad breath and jacked up toe comments though, so much so that she actually shed a tear or two. There’s not much she can do about the toes, I get that, but girl, if the breath is an issue, FIX IT! We talked about it before, no one is going to want to play any sort of tongue twister with you if it’s going to make them dry heave. I must be a bitter BXTCH, because the shock of the night came when Olivia admitted that after watching back the season, she understood why Ben cut her loose. Either she means that shit or she was secretly auditioning to become the next Bachelorette, because anyone who watched this season knows that Olivia felt from the word go that her and Ben were meant to spend forever and ever tangled between the sheets and making lots of babies. So for her to do a complete 180?? Something is definitely up with that.
Awww. . .Caila. I can’t be the only one whose heart broke a little having to watch Ben say goodbye to Caila, but I guess if the love wasn’t there, it wasn’t there. Caila did return and was surprisingly in a good place. Well, I shouldn’t say surprisingly, I don’t know the BXTCH, maybe she bounces back from heartbreak quick, who knows? She just seemed at peace with Ben and how things went down. When given the opportunity to speak with Ben (yes, he was there) she was very nice and not at all bitter.
While I want to say that it’s refreshing to see the grace and class some of these ladies held on to, I would be lying. The only “bitterness” towards Ben came from Leah when she tried to call him out, he put her in her place immediately, and let’s face it, besides the eyebrows, that bitch has no redeeming qualities. I wanted to see more “You Broke Me” & “I Loved You”, oh well, there’s always next season.
BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I’m sure by now you know who is wearing the ring with the promise of becoming Mrs. Ben Higgins, but no worries, I’m not going to reveal (or at least try not to) the secret until the end of this post. What I want to say is this, this fucking episode stressed me the fuck out (if my niece was reading this, I would owe her so much money with all the “fucks” dropped). ABC dangled one thing right in front of our greedy little hearts with the trailers of this show, but didn’t deliver on what we thought those trailers were promising. I know what you’re thinking, it’s all about the ratings, well fuck you too, I was really looking forward to Ben sending one away, then realizing he made a mistake and calling her back. I’m gonna go ahead and break your heart now, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!! I mean he does send one girl out in tears, but he never calls her back, NO, he waits for the other girl and gets down on one knee and well, you know the rest. Let’s just get on with this anxiety riddled episode, shall we?
This is the episode where the remaining two (Jojo and Lauren) get to meet Ben’s parents and Ben is left with the agonizing process of having to decide which girl he belongs with. Remember, he has already told each girl that he loves her and his mom is just a bit taken aback when he reveals that little nugget. I do think that Ben is close enough to his parents that he is going to be depending on them to clear up the blurred lines that he has created. Up first is Lauren.
Lauren arrives to meet Ben’s parents how anyone would expect. She’s dressed nice and shows up with some flowers and what seems to be a Bachelor staple. . .alcohol. Ben has already made it known to the parents of his connection with Lauren, from the very beginning. The initial introduction was awkwardly enthusiastic. They were excited to meet one another, it’s when they sit and start a conversation that things seem to stray to the awkward side. She talks to dad first and she expresses her love for Ben, but also “sells” Ben. Does she really need to list his attributes to his own father? I think the most important conversation is the one the ladies are going to have with Ben’s mom. Lauren does the same thing as far as listing the attributes she loves about Ben, but she also asks some questions about Ben that only a mom could answer and his mom lays some questions on Lauren that I think are important for a mom to know the answer to. When Ben sits down with his mom, I don’t really think the lines become any less blurry. Lauren must’ve practiced her best “Lauren marketing” campaign prior to meeting Ben’s parents, because even when Ben and Lauren sit down with just each other, she is still trying to sell herself (don’t worry, it’s not in a hooker kind of way). She lets Ben know that she is 100% ready to accept his proposal, if he decides to give it to her.
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BXTCHES side commentary: I fully realize that I am really bringing out the deep inner BXTCH here but, is there not one person on the staff of The Bachelor that could’ve given Lauren a quick “girl, you need to introduce the back of your head to a hairbrush”? Tropical weather is not good for Lauren’s extensions (yes girl, we can tell). A little bit of FrizzEase or some coconut oil, SOMETHING to get those tresses under control. Also, I’m not sure if Lauren is walking with an imaginary stick up her ass to accent it more or not. I don’t think she’s got a vag that’s itchy, but girl, you got some junk back there (I mean for someone your size), you don’t need to walk like that. And, I’m sure Ben has gotten a good look at it from every angle and he seems to be happy with it, so for the love of Sir-Mix-A-Lot, STOP IT! I like Lauren, I always believed she would be one of the final girls vying, I just get a feeling of “I know what to say to make you happy” vibe from her. I do think she loves Ben, she has just done everything but take out his dick and stroke it for all to see. She seems too manufactured. But who knows, maybe that is her true self.
Jojo arrives to meet the parents very nervous, so much so, that Ben brings it up. She is dressed very appropriately (meaning the girls are contained) and arrives with flowers, but sans alcohol. Jojo starts with what is almost an awards acceptance speech to the ones who made Ben, again, someone selling Ben to the two people who do not need a list of reasons to love or accept him. The conversation again turns a bit awkward, so I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a first time meeting and it’s just nerves or if it’s because there are cameras there, either way, it was weird. When Jojo sits down and talks to Ben’s dad, she lays it all out there. She was certainly selling Ben, but doing it in a way that she was trying to put the dad at ease with Ben picking her. Jojo knows that going into a conversation with Ben’s mom is a bit more stressful. When Jojo tells mom that Ben makes her feel safe, she tells Jojo that Ben said the same thing about her. Jojo gets emotional when explaining her love for Ben and mom was very welcoming and what seemed to be, happy with Jojo’s revelations. When Jojo gets some alone time with Ben, she lets him know that she is in a place where she wants to spend her life with Ben and asks Ben if he is in the same place (regardless of who he were to pick). In the end, I don’t think the parents were able to offer up anything that would make things more clear for Ben. They liked both ladies for different reasons and the one bright spot was his parents being happy with whoever Ben decides in the end.
For the last date of Jojo and Ben, we find them back at a waterfall, jumping off of a cliff, making out a bit. Then they have another conversation, really about where each of their heads are at. Ben explains that his love for Jojo is very clear, he’s just in a “1000 different places”. The conversation didn’t leave Jojo feeling very confident. The nighttime portion of the date brings out some serious and deep convo. Jojo just lets it all out when she expresses her worry about where Ben is at emotionally. Ben tells her that she is his best friend and he knows he loves her and that he has never had a relationship as deep as the one he has with Jojo. The talk leads them to the bathroom of all places, where Jojo is having a breakdown. Ben tells her that he has told Lauren that he loves her as well. Once the “bathroom talk” ends, they have a very emotional moment, Ben even sheds a couple tears. It was all very 90210 and Kelly and Dylan and Brenda. Brought back some memories for this BXTCH.
BXTCH side commentary: I have never had to compete for the love of a future husband with multiple girls. Truth be told, I wouldn’t. Even if I had the youth, the body, the looks, and the money, to be a contestant on The Bachelor, I don’t think I have the patience to battle with other BXTCHES. So, I’m a little dumbfounded when these girls talk about the “final rose” as either being the best day of their life or the day that could very well break them. But let’s lay it all out. This is a man, who more than likely put his dick into three different women, while proclaiming his love to two of them. And even if his dick didn’t get a direct introduction to the three pussies, there was definitely some “other” happenings. There is no way that they each don’t know that the other was intimate with Ben. I get that the normal progression of a relationship will usually lead two people becoming more familiar with one another, either in the bedroom, or in the shower, up against the wall, I get carried away, sorry, back to my point. Breaking this down in the simplest of terms, both Lauren and Jojo have become salesmen trying to convince Ben as to why they should be the chosen one, they are also both very emotional over the idea that Ben may not pick them. Yes, Ben, the one who fucked one, then day(s) later, fucked the other. I wouldn’t be asking Ben if he has declared his love for the other, my question would be if he nailed her or not, that’s where your answer lies. Love is a tricky BXTCH and can be disguised as many things, while sex may be just sex, it’s still a very revealing act. Not that I blame Ben for bringing Little Ben out to play, but as the female I would’ve made him wait (good God I sound like a Republican), because if I’m not the one, that’s just one less factor to add to the heartbreak, if I am the one, Ben would’ve said a thank you to sex gods the night of the proposal because this BXTCH would’ve brought out some tricks. This whole show is a process, a means to an end, a very entertaining one, but a means nonetheless. It’s not a journey, you can’t even consider it to be reality, because in real life, this is not how it’s played out. There’s no “what time are you going to be home from work?” OR “Babe, not tonight, I’m tired” OR “Your friend is a real bitch” OR “Can you please pick up your goddamn shoes up off the floor, we have a closet!” OR how about having to save up for an engagement ring? A boyfriend/fiancée isn’t test driving many makes and models (at the same time) just to make sure that you’re the one (a good boyfriend/fiancée isn’t at least). So future ladies of The Bachelor, take it for what it is, an opportunity, a chapter in a very long book AND if this guy is someone who is worthy of your love and your life, then make him earn it. Okay, enough of that, let’s get to Ben’s choice.
When Jojo is the first to step off of the helicopter, I just knew AND fuck you ABC for leading us to believe that Ben was going to call one of them back because he had a realization that he sends the wrong one away, that is not how this plays out. Let me just rip the band-aid off, Ben tells Jojo that while he does love her, he loves Lauren more. Tears are shed, he walks her to the limo and sends her on her way. Ben does make a phone call, it’s just to Lauren’s dad, asking permission to marry his daughter. Truthfully, that was a great gesture and helped mend my heartbreak over Jojo just a little (oh yeah, I was definitely Team Jojo). Once Lauren arrives, he does what needs to be done, he gets down on one knee, she accepts. Even though I was all about Jojo, Ben’s proposal was fantastic. For some reason, watching a grown man shed happy tears does something to my ovaries, too bad my hubby wasn’t home.At the beginning of this final episode, we see the live studio audience and Chris Harrison gives the intro to the episode. He also points out that during the Women Tell All, when Ben is asked if he is in love, he states that he is so in love that he would marry her tomorrow if he could. ABC uses that as an opportunity to hopefully have the first Bachelor wedding on the after show. They went as far as even bringing in Ben’s pastor from Indiana. Once Ben and Lauren come out and this potential wedding is discussed, it is decided that they need a little more time getting to know one another before saying “I Do”. Ben does re-propose, so her family could bare witness, that was a bit strange for me, I think it kind of takes away from the actual proposal, but the audience ate that shit up. Jojo does get her time to address the entire situation and an opportunity to address Ben. They didn’t seem uncomfortable around one another, but it was a bit bumbly. I do think she gets her closure and she says that after watching Ben with Lauren she understood, I didn’t (see below), but I wasn’t there so what do I know. The best news of the night was Chris revealing the new Bachelorette and yes, you guessed correctly, Jojo will begin her journey in finding her ever after very soon (season premiere is in May, I think). All in all, I do believe/hope that it works out for Lauren and Ben. Their love is apparent and quite adorable. I think ABC did well with Ben as The Bachelor (I could be biased since it’s the first time I actually tuned in), but the bar has certainly been raised.
“I came into this, honestly feeling unloveable, like I couldn’t be loved or that I was never going to find that person to love me, fully. Then we go through this experience. It’s been a journey that’s full of good-byes. But, Lauren, I never want to say good-bye to you. I want to wake up every morning and kiss you on the face. I want to go to bed at night and know that in the morning I’m gonna wake up to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. My desire from here on out is to live for you, commit to you, to love you, to hold you and kiss you a lot. Lauren, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Lauren, will you marry me?” -Ben
I know I have never enjoyed The Bachelor prior to Ben, but surely the contestants on the show have. I’m going somewhere with this, no worries. Why do they get pissed when the “blindside” comes? I would be upset if I were Jojo, but only because I love him and I thought that he loved me and he picks another girl, not because he didn’t tell me while he was fucking my brains out that I wasn’t the one. For Jojo to get pissed because he didn’t drop any clues is unfair, to her and Ben. Did she really expect for him to pull her aside and give her the news? I guess she’ll find out soon enough just how difficult it is making those decisions.
During the after show, Lauren is asked if Ben came clean about his feeling for Jojo. She claims that after the proposal, while lying in bed, Ben told her everything. He may have told her everything, but hearing it, then seeing it, are two totally different experiences. In my professional, Bachelor watching opinion, him and Jojo together just seemed right. Watching the way that Ben looked at Jojo, you could see his love for her. It’s not that I didn’t believe in his love for Lauren, I just thought his love for Jojo was deeper (he even said it), so being his brand new fiancée and seeing that unfold before my eyes, would give my self-esteem a bit of a hit.
I still stand beside my theory that these girls (especially Lauren) broke up with previous boyfriends to pursue an opportunity on this show. I know that’s a bit cynical (okay, a lot), but to come out of a relationship and decide that the next one you want to enter not only involves 20+ girls, but is also going to be televised, yeah. . .not normal.
Well BXTCHES, we’ll be talking about Jojo and her quest very soon. Bachelor in Paradise airs this summer and I think I read that not only will Lace be participating, but Olivia and Jubilee as well, basically all the crazies from this season, CAN’T WAIT! And hopefully a wedding is just around the corner for Ben and Lauren.
