BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Tonight’s episode promises to be filled with lots of drama, but we all know how ABC is when they dangle drama in front of us, it’s usually anti-climatic at best, so here’s hoping we get at least a couple of “What the fuck?” moments tonight. This week kicks off with 19 ladies vying for any opportunity to rub up against Colton or at the very least get a sneak peek at the goods. As always, it’s a two hour episode and the hubs has agreed to watch tv in another room, just so this BXTCH can get a good start on the re-cap. Let’s go.
Counselor Chris shows up asking how the first week went for the girls. . .lots of highs and lots of lows was the general feeling. His advice was once again to take advantage of the time they have with Colton. As if the air horns and pan banging last week wasn’t enough. With that advice we’re probably in for an even bigger headache.
Week two categories: Receives a Rose (5 points); Goes on a group date (5 points); Gets a 1-on-1 date card (5 points); Receives a group date rose (5 points); Wins a sleep away camp night with Colton (5 points); Cries w/tears on face (5 points); Interrupts cocktail party chat w/a noisy prop (10 points); Kisses Colton on the lips (5 points).
My results:
Overall, I scored 160 points for week two, bringing my total to 325. This week (#3), the categories are: Goes on a Group Date (5 points); Wears Sunglasses or Eyeglasses (5 points); Is Called “Manipulative” by Another Bachelorette (5 points); Kisses Colton (on the lips) (5 points); Exposed Bellybutton at the Pool Party (5 points); Receives a One-on-One Date Card (5 points); Receives a Rose (5 points); Finalist in Bachelor’s Strongest Woman Competition (10 points). My lineup:
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Tonight there will be THREE dates. Two group dates and one, one-on-one.
I’m wondering if they pluck these girls from a place where The Bachelor doesn’t even exist, because the shock that is displayed when it’s realized that not only is Colton dating numerous girls, but he is actually doing it in front of them, astounds me. Did they really think they were getting a nice vacay in a beautiful mansion, where every now and then a hot guy appears? #SignMeUp
“I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” Hoping to be just that this week are. . .Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn. Alabama Hannah is none too pleased that her and Caelynn are sharing Colton on a date and a thought that never even occurred to me, until Hannah said it is. . .Miss USA wasn’t the first pageant where these two came into contact with one another. According to Hannah they have been competing against each other for years and with that info, fuck Dance Moms, I need a real pageant reality show. And no Toddlers and Tiaras shit, I need the real deal, grown ass women going up against one another in every single way. Whatever this date holds, the required uniform is once again, yoga pants and sports bras. I don’t know what the fuck is happening, but Colton is on a pirate ship with his shirt partially opened and these BXTCHES just remind me of why I’m so glad that I’m not single and in my twenties, because I don’t think I could do the fake scream/laugh that seems to be a prerequisite every season, not to mention they are about to dress up in pirate garb or is it wench garb? Either way it requires a costume and unless it’s around October 31 or in the bedroom, there is no way I’m dressing up in a costume for a date, especially a first one. Regardless, this seems to be the story of Captain Colton. They’re gonna train to be pirates and in the end, two will be chosen to compete for Colton. My guess right now, is either a Caelynn v. Hannah OR Tracy v. Demi final. It’s really just jousting, but Caelynn did some fencing (w/Colton) and slid down a rope (to Colton), but in the end, the two chosen are Tracy and Caelynn, which shocked even me (despite what I said earlier) because Hannah was kicking everyone’s ass on the joust, and we didn’t get to see anyone but Caelynn compete in the other pirate obstacles, so I’m not really sure on what or how you need to qualify, but our girl got screwed. Tracy and Caelynn have to compete in front of a full house, with legs of meat and all, Demi even tossed a turkey leg. It took me a hot minute to figure out what was going on, but the winner was whoever untied Colton first and in the end Miss North Carolina pulled it off and even sealed it with a kiss. We learned last week about Hannah’s insecurities and this win by her arch nemesis, may just send her downhill.
The evening portion of the date, takes the group to Big Daddy’s. . .enter your own prepubescent jokes here. Heather lets the camera know that feelings are developing for Colton and with each week that goes by, they just get deeper and deeper, though we’re only in week three. But she also says how hard it is to connect with him on the group dates. Umm. . .we’re in week two of the dating process, one week has gone by and this is only the second group date for Heather, I wonder if this little confessional made it into the wrong episode? Demi doesn’t get to him first tonight, that honor went to Katie. Their chemistry is awkward, but in a “we just started dating” kind of way, so it also makes it cute and hopefully authentic. Good Golly Miss Molly, the age argument is getting thrown down by Demi to Tracy, because apparently Demi thinks Tracy has already reached Medicare age. Demi tells Tracy that she would be worried if she was an “older girl surrounded by younger women”. Just to catch you up, there are an equal number of years between Colton and Tracy as there are between Colton and Demi. Colton is 27, Tracy is 31, and Demi is 23. But who really gives a fuck about these two, they ain’t getting Colton in the end anyways. Not that I know that for sure, but c’mon, I don’t see either of them standing in the end. The real question of the night is whether or not Heather will finally get her first kiss. Poor Courtney gets interrupted by Demi, who has her fake laugh down pat and decides that this group date would be a great time to introduce Colton to her inner Christian Grey. . .told you BXTCHES. She even pulls out a fake hand and tries to have it feel its way toward Colton’s good stuff. The spanking had me cringing, the fake hand feeling him up had me wondering who in the fuck gave her romance advice, I know her mom is in prison, but she has a step mom, somebody needs to step it up and do their job, because at this point, she would be smart to seek out any member of Colton’s Cougars and find out how it is one should act when they are trying to not just seduce a man, but be normal around one. And no, Heather has yet to receive her first kiss.
Colton kicks off his moment with Caelynn by giving her a real kiss, because it appears that the one he laid on her when she won him, wasn’t one he was proud of, but there were no complaints from the beauty queen, so all is good. There was a lot of back and forth kissing and overall great chemistry between the two. Colton even confessed to the camera that she checks a lot of the boxes in what it is that he’s looking for in a relationship and while I think his connection with Katie is awkward but cute, he and Caelynn seem to flow without any sort of weirdness. Which is not gonna be music to Hannah’s ears, so hopefully when it’s her turn to strut her stuff, she will keep her shit on lockdown.
Well so much for anything remaining on lockdown. Hannah is confiding in Heather about Caelynn, and Heather advises Hannah to tell Colton if she believes Caelynn isn’t who she says she is. Just a reminder that Heather has never even kissed a guy, which probably means that she has yet to enter into a relationship with one. . .you see where I’m going with this? Hannah says she is “befumbled” by the way Caelynn is being with Colton, and she just doesn’t know another word to use to describe how she feels. Well, how about a word that actually exists. Anywho, she takes Heather’s advise or maybe she was gonna go this route the entire time, but her talk with Colton leads her to telling him how Caelynn handled herself at the Miss USA pageant, which Colton seemed confused at what she was trying to say. He eventually had to put the words in her mouth. . .is she mean? Is she manipulative? Is she fake? And Hannah’s face had an all of the above look and she then lays it on him with. . .if you’re attracted to someone like her, how can you be into me? Let’s take a time out. Hannah may be my favorite when it comes to Hannah v. Caelynn, but it’s no wonder why the Hot Mess Express is still single. First, it is way too early in this season to lay that line on him and second, it is way too early in this season to lay that line on him. Which he lets her know when he says to her “It’s like that?” It doesn’t take Hannah long before she realizes that she may have gotten herself into something she won’t be able to pageant her way out of and that becomes even clearer when she has to ask him for a peck on the lips, one that he really did not want to give.
Colton decides to get to the bottom of it and sweeps Caelynn away to talk. She tells him that they were friends, but being in a competitive environment, they handled things differently. A lot of that has to do with things she has gone through in her life that she has every intention of talking with him about, but not right at that moment. She wants to wait until their relationship progresses. I can only assume that she is referring to being sexually assaulted in college because even having a discussion about not discussing it yet, has brought on some legitimate tears that has Colton consoling her. In the end, Hannah may go up in flames, because all her confession did was have Caelynn explain about not being able to explain, which led Colton to give Caelynn the group date rose and more than just a peck on the lips.
Caelynn feels that her group date rose should be making her happy, but Hannah’s shenanigans has overshadowed her joy. She does say that she knew this was gonna happen when Hannah came on to the show, just not to that extent. Now, I know what Hannah did was shitty, but in the end, did she win? And, what extent did she think it was gonna get to, because in the grand scheme, it wasn’t all that bad and if Hannah is lying, then why worry? Girl, he made it clear how he felt about you, get it together. Heather is the only one in Hannah’s corner at the moment and she is wondering how it all went down. Hannah must’ve had a rough night and can’t really remember how it all went, because not only is our girl looking wrecked, but she tells Heather a little different version of what we saw. She even claims that Colton told her how much he likes her and what she was telling him was freaking him out. Now, he could’ve said that, but it definitely wasn’t shown. What we discover is what she really doesn’t want and that is to lose to Caelynn once again. And while I’m sure she’s attracted to Colton, he could very well be the tug in whatever war they are playing.
Dear Hannah. . .girl, when looking for advice on how to approach a delicate subject with the one your dating, how about you stay clear of any girl that guy is dating. They just may not have your best intentions in mind, because spoiler alert, in order for me to eventually end my night in the same bed as him, I will need you gone. P.S. It’s also way too early to start showing the crazy, reign it in. Love Merrie.
“Love is in the air.” Elyse is the envy of every girl in that mansion and if I were her, I would be offended at the shocked gasps that echoed when her name was read. But she’s the one with the one-on-one date this week, so that’s probably enough for her. The date is taking them by helicopter to San Diego and Belmont Park. #Romantic He then decides to freak her out by telling her that the date will actually be a group date. . .a group date with kids, which will give Colton a chance to give Elyse a peek into what it is that Colton does with his own charity.
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Early on in this date, it is clear that Colton is in his element and Elyse’s clock probably started firing warning signals straight to her ovaries. He even takes it up a notch when he tells Elyse about his charity and his cousin and how he was inspired to use his platform as a football player to provide moments for sick kids. Moments that just allowed them to be kids, much like he is doing on this date. Elyse was worried about her being older than Colton, but in the end, I think he was the one smitten with her. And regardless of how this entire experience ends for her, this is a day she will never forget.
He starts the night off with lots of compliments, but goes right for it when he wants to know what makes her, her. We learn about her sister who when pregnant with her second child, found out she had cancer, and with being pregnant there wasn’t much that could be done. In the end, she blessed the world with a child, but lost her life. Her family has started to get through some of the pain by starting a charity in her sisters honor, Sarah’s Closet. They hit it off, he is clearly attracted and enamored by her and even says that “This moment with Elyse is one of the best moments that I’ve had so far and I want to hold on to it forever.” In the end he showed it by not only gifting her the rose, which is her second date rose by the way, but by also giving her a mini make-out session. They then get their obligatory live concert by Tenille Arts, where they get to put their dancing and kissing skills on display for all to see.
“For every strong man, there is an even stronger woman.” That message has been delivered to: Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin. That leaves Hannah G. and Bri on the outside looking in this week. While I think girls know what they’re doing when they flaunt what their mama or the gym or even a doctor gave them, guys know as well. They all know how stupid we get struck when we can see how hard they work for their body and Colton may be virginized, but he ain’t no fool. He knows exactly what he’s doing by working out shirtless when the girls pull up. I’m wondering how many girls Onyeka had to knock out of the way in order to be the first girl of the season to do the run and jump. . .around Colton’s waist. This date seems to be centered around fitness and Colton’s love of working out. #CountMeOut Who the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to work out for one of your first dates? I don’t know what’s in store yet, but this ain’t like Chase and Jojo doing yoga, that was sexy as fuck. . .well, maybe it’ll be a little sexy if Colton continues to remain shirtless. This date is being brought to us by Terry and Rebecca Crews, who have been married for 29 years. Sydney, being a dance and fitness instructor, is in her element and Catherine isn’t far behind, being a black belt in some sort of martial arts. Sydney takes advantage of her prowess when she needs Colton for a “hamstring” stretch. #WeWouldNeedItTooGirl
Now it’s time for a competition, and you guessed it. . .it’s in front of a crowd. This is being brought to us by Chris Harrison and Fred Williard and I think this may be his third season (in a row) to make an appearance. After pushing a 100 lb. wedding cake, an engagement ring (large tire) flip, and a limo pull, in the end, it was Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka competing in the final with Onyeka earning the trophy of Bachelor’s Strongest Woman. It may have earned her the opportunity to get into the limo with Colton, but it didn’t earn her a kiss, which is kind of telling considering that he not only kissed Caelynn when she won on her group date, but gave that kiss a re-do because he thought he robbed her of some good stuff.
Tayshia gets her crack at Colton first and her main priority is to ensure Colton that she is there for him and low key, she really wants that date rose. They talk about strong women empowering other women and how a strong man needs a strong woman, whatever, all the talk about strength must’ve hit Colton’s sweet spot because he sealed the convo with a kiss. Caitlin is talking with the girls about the pressure that is being felt through this whole experience, which is compounded more by not getting a lot of time with Colton. Since talking about her brother last week didn’t push her over the rose bush, Nicole is pulling the grandma card tonight. Colton strokes her mental strength, because after watching her attempt to use her physical dexterity, even he knew not to go there. In the end, she also gets a kiss, which earns him a “gracias papi”. Because of her win, Colton brings Onyeka a piece of cake. He does tell the camera that she has a contagious energy and nothing feels forced with her, but he still hasn’t kissed her, so I’m wondering if she may be getting shifted to the friend zone and is being kept around because she’s good tv. He’s feeling it with Cassie. He even admits to getting butterflies when he is around her. And they ain’t on no couch talking about strong women needing strong men, he is up against a window with her between his legs, it’s a very “I’m familiar with you” stance and the kiss is anything but awkward and fumbly. #LookOutCaelynn He admits to the camera that his relationship with Caitlin is definitely behind, which she also admits to him. He tries to steer the discussion to her giving him more about who she is, but when he asks her what it is she is looking for, what makes her ready to commit right now. . .all she can give him is how she is looking for someone who can go out with her and her friends and have a “really ridiculous and silly evening” and she would be happy to open up to him about that, you start getting the feeling that maybe Caitlin isn’t gonna be gifted the title of Mrs. Underwood. To give him credit, he did try to get deeper into who she is, he even asked what an intimate night with her family is like and she giggled because he used the word intimate and family in the same sentence, which is when he lets her know that he’s not even gonna be able to gift her with another night. He didn’t even ask if he could walk her out, he said “I would like to walk you out”. But she finds some strength when he tries to hold her hand and she tells him to back the fuck up. Just joking, she didn’t say that, but she did deny him the hand hold. I love it when they don’t fuck around. Well Caitlin, there always Paradise. In the end, grandma pulled it out for Nicole, because she has her first date rose.
When word makes it around that he sent Caitlin home in the middle of the group date, like all good women, the obsession begins. If he can just up and send her home, what about them?
Chris shows up at the mansion while the girls are busy discussing the ins and outs of Caitlin being sent home and he announces that in lieu of a cocktail party, there will be a pool party. Colton arrives and tells the ladies that based on some conversations over the week, he is starting to question his instincts. Which is code for “I’m talking to you Alabama Hannah”. I’m guessing one of the main purposes of the pool party is to get some clarification. Hannah G. gets to him first, which is pretty important to her because she is one of two who didn’t get a date this week. I personally don’t think she has anything to worry about, considering their chemistry up to this point, but crazier things have happened. He puts her mind at ease, letting her know that the only reason she didn’t get a date is because he is confident in what they have. Alabama Hannah and her only friend in the house, Heather, are discussing the plan Hannah has to try and solve the Caelynn issue, which is the exact time that Colton decides to prance Caelynn right in front on them. They’re not in a well populated area, they’re pretty isolated, so it was kind of a petty thing to do. Heather is trying to convince her to say something to Colton because what if Caelynn talks about Hannah to him. It’s all very junior high and I’m just about out of patience with these two. I love the drama, but this isn’t even juicy. . .and it doesn’t help when Hannah makes this velociraptor noise indicating that the beast is about to be unleashed. She’s gonna be so much fun on Paradise.
Caelynn uses her time with Colton to give her side of the Hannah situation and it’s basically the same issue but a different person telling the story. Colton lets her know that since he has had a one-on-one with Hannah, he didn’t see that side of her. Someone should tell Colton, if a female is actually vindictive and manipulative (don’t know that she is), then you’re most likely not gonna see those qualities on your first date with her. I don’t like the tattle telling and back and forth, but if there was ever a time for Caelynn to bring this to Colton, doing it already having a rose is the best move. Colton is now taking this discussion to Hannah because he needs to move past this bullshit. His concern is Caelynn using the words, manipulative, toxic, and deceitful to describe Hannah. She claims that they’re lies and she then tells him that Caelynn is fake and can put on whatever facade she needs to in order to get the job done. At this point, I don’t know who he believes, he leaves the conversation and the next thing we know, he’s talking to a producer. Other girls are now freaking out, because the entirety of the pool party seems to be taken up by one issue. No worries BXTCHES, Counselor Chris steps in to try and talk Colton off whatever metaphorical ledge he has placed himself on. We quickly transition from the bikinis and cocktails to evening gowns and roses.
We started the night with 19 and Caelynn, Nicole, and Elyse all have date roses. . .that leaves 16 girls praying to the bridal gods and since at least half of the girls didn’t even get a chance to climb on his shoulders for a game of chicken in the pool, much less get a chance to speak with him, there are lots of concerned wanna be brides. On another note, maybe that’s how the Caelynn v. Hannah showdown should’ve been solved, a nice game of chicken. I was watching Jerry Springer today and two best friends had crushes on the same guy and they played a friendly match of flip cup to see who would be taking up residence in his heart and they even hugged it out in the end. So see, love triangles can work out. . .just look to Springer.
“Hello Colton. Life’s greatest treasure is standing right in front of you.” -Demi
“He friggin’ hates me.” -Hannah B.
“I’m a smitten kitten right now.” -Elyse
“I’m not the most athletic of the bunch. No, but I walk my dog.” -Nicole
“Sydney, she’s making stretching look like dirty dancing. And Colton’s not a stretching virgin anymore.” -Cassie
“If you’re not first, you’re last. Remember that.” -Onyeka
“Just freaking trust me. I’m telling you the truth.” -Hannah
The good news. . .Catherine gets her dog back. I thought Catherine was gonna be the villain of the season, that was a disappointment. However, I did like her.
Even though he gifted her with a rose, the episode ends with a very upset Alabama Hannah. Her pain is being caused by the rift with Caelynn, but I’m not sure what the real issue is, because she is the one who brought the whole thing up to Colton. Would Caelynn have eventually gone there? Maybe, but she didn’t and now it’s Hannah looking like the fool. Not that I have experience with tons of guys, I’ve been with my husband since I was 18, but one thing I do know. . .men don’t give the first fuck about catty girl issues and the fact that Colton is having to spend a day sorting through that mess instead of enjoying the view, he can’t be too terribly happy. I know this makes for good tv, but in the end the crazy starts to show and is that really the identifier any girl wants?
As of now, my favorite is Cassie. And I’m just gonna leave that right here.
