BXTCHES Gotta Warn: There really is no warning with this post. Like always, tonight’s episode is two hours long and I did write as I watched and since I am now thorough the episode, I can say that it was a good one. Filled with drama and cattiness and lots of tears. So, pop the corn and fill the glass, let’s get started.
Last Week: It seems that Demi has some charm, because both of her adversaries were sent packing. We only lost two, giving us 13 ladies headed into tonight’s episode.
Tonight On: Tonight’s episode brings the love to Thailand and based on the previews, it seems that Heather may finally get to mark “kiss a guy” off of her bucket list. Someone also winds up in Colton’s bed, but it could be that ABC is hyping that up much more than it deserves. We have (2) one-on-one dates and (1) group date waiting for us tonight.
The first date card arrives and the lucky recipient is Heather, and I think that the girls are genuinely happy for her, which is a first for this group.
“Let’s experience something new.” Our girl is giddy with anticipation and I for one am glad that her number was finally pulled. Now, she may have never been kissed, but she has the signature Bachelor greeting down pat. . .and that’s with the legs around the waist. Good gracious, I cannot wait until I lose enough pounds to make that dream a reality. Not with Colton, but with the hubs. Their adventure begins with a boat ride and Heather believes that while she has been close in the past to laying one on a guy, it’s just starting to feel right with Colton. They visit a (or it could be “the”) floating city, which eventually leads to lunch and the need for the camera to get ultra closeup to Colton’s lips. Look, I get it, you’re going in for the effect and as sexy as Colton is, we didn’t need it. However, Heather is looking at him like she would’ve preferred him to be served up instead of the seafood that they’re enjoying. They are feeding each other, which should naturally progress to the food being replaced with each other’s lips. But the sun sets without much action.
The nighttime convo kicks off with Colton telling Heather how great the date has been and any expectations he had, have been surpassed. One would think that the same thing doesn’t hold true for Heather, but she agrees with him and now I’m starting to understand why she hasn’t been kissed yet. He wants to dive into her dating history and she begins with telling him that she casually dated in high school and some in college. After college she met a guy, who checked every box of what she was looking for. Her friends thought that they were perfect, but she says she wasn’t really feeling it. . .it lasted eight months. Eight fucking months and not one kiss. I’m now not buying this story. I don’t wanna look like a complete asshole, so I will give her the benefit of doubt and say that I believe that she’s never been kissed. What I don’t believe is her dating history. Look, I get it if you don’t kiss any guy you casually date in high school, it’s not what some would consider normal, but fuck them, it’s also high school. Now, you also casually date more than one guy in college and it never progressed to even a kiss? That I don’t really buy, but for the sake of her claim, I’ll go with it. No way in the world that you exclusively date a guy (after college) for EIGHT MONTHS and no kiss at all. Colton does ask her if the guy tried to kiss her in the entire eight months they were together, and she circumvents the question by saying that they talked a lot and were very open about it. And this is why I question her story. I don’t want to squash her claim of having never been kissed, so I am gonna smash the claim that she was in an exclusive relationship for eight months and her tongue never once touched his. And here’s why I think she’s lying. Going into a show that you’re hoping will end in your engagement, but also having never been in a relationship, is not going to bode well, just for the simple fact of that person needing to get a little bit of life under their belt before taking someone’s last name. If she’s never been kissed, maybe she realized that it would be difficult to convince Colton of her commitment readiness if she has never even been in a relationship before, so enter the eight month relationship. Either way, something is not right. Back to the date. . .Colton does tell her that while he’s glad that she was open about her inexperience, he is concerned. He wants to give their relationship an honest shot, but is worried about “that moment”. This is where she chimes in and says that she doesn’t want him to think that she is waiting for some magical moment or for her first kiss to belong to her husband. Okay, let’s make sure we get this straight. She casually dated guys (not singular) in high school, but the first kiss never happened. Casually dated in college, but again, never happened. Was in an exclusive relationship for eight months and once again, never happened. . .but she now tells Colton that she’s not waiting for a magical moment. . .what? Maybe I’m gonna have to squash after all. Look, I’m not knocking who Heather is or what she represents. I think it’s great that she owns her purity. But IF she has really waited for 23 years to be kissed and wasn’t able to kiss a guy that she dated for the better part of a year. . .because if he was horrible and not a dateable kind of guy, then she shouldn’t have held onto him for that long. . .then why is she so eager for this moment to belong to Colton. This is her first date with him and her eagerness started well before this date. I like Heather, I just think that there is a lie in there somewhere. In the end, the chemistry is strong enough for Colton to hand over the date rose. . .which she deserved. They take a walk on the beach and experience some fireworks lighting up the sky and some fireworks lighting up her loins, because she finally gets her “first” kiss. I’m sure Colton is gonna love hearing her tell that camera that she has “kissed a boy”. Someone needs to tell her that they’re called men at this age.
Elyse is beginning to struggle. She has a hard time reconciling her time and date with Colton as being so perfect, but then watch others come back with the same feeling. “Heartbroken” was the word she used. She’s at the point where she is needing a bit more from him during their time together. If anything, just to reassure her that what she’s feeling, he’s reciprocating. When the next date card arrives, she is stuck in her head and no matter the name(s) on the card, she is gonna read something into it that she probably shouldn’t. She’s seems quite devastated when she realizes that Cassie is the one chosen for the next one-on-one and she is forced to share Colton with a group. I like Elyse, but she may wanna watch the sunrise and do some meditation techniques, because in the end, if she doesn’t calm herself, it’s gonna end bad. And a quick reminder, Heather’s date is only the fifth one-on-one date of the season thus far and Elyse is one of the five girls that has had that opportunity. There are still eight girls who have yet to get an entire day to just themselves and Colton. Heather and Colton’s date has ended and we’re back at the resort and once we see Elyse curling her hair and fastening her stilettos, there’s no way this is gonna end good for her. . .for us it will, but not for her. She winds up back in the living room, clearly overdressed for whatever is happening in there. Everyone is speculating that Heather will not return from her date, so imagine the surprise when she walks back through the door and she tells them how well the date actually went. Elyse is turning some heads and minds when she gets up right in the middle of Heather’s retelling, and walks out the door. . .looking like she’s about to hit up something a bit classier than what the girls can offer. And since no one can figure out what it is that Elyse is about to do, I’ll say it again for the cheap seats. . .has any of these contestants NEVER watched the show? How do you not know what she is about to do? Spoiler Alert: She’s going to see Colton. Once Colton welcomes her in, I feel for the girl, but this discussion is even making me awkward for her. Her one-on-one with Colton had her in the clouds, but since that date, she’s not feeling that connection. Colton is feeling good (or was) about where they’re at and is basing a lot of their connection on their date, which one would believe is a good place to start. However, her head is everywhere. She knows it’s not a competition but feels like she is competing for Colton. Another spoiler alert: she is. Part of her wishes that there was something missing between them and they could end their relationship as just friends. He tells her that he’s not gonna just give up on relationships, especially the ones that he’s excited for. I thought that this was a nod towards her, but she responds with “You’re breaking my heart.” She then tells him that she won’t be able to accept a proposal from him after he has shared his time with other people for a few months. In the end, it’s Elyse breaking up with Colton. But it’s also Elyse confessing to the camera that she feels like she’s making a huge mistake and Colton confessing that Elyse gave up on them and that his worst nightmare is getting to the end of this and not being enough. 
“Will our love survive?” Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Katie, Nicole, Hannah G., and Elyse. We get another personal diary from Colton, it’s the morning after Elyse and the bags are a little noticeable under Colton’s eyes. I think he’s a bit perturbed that his date with Heather was tainted somehow by his break-up with Elyse, which only brought up all of his insecurities and doubts about how this experience could actually end. This group date is taking the girls into the jungle. Evidently the jungle is representative of what Colton wants from his future wife and that’s adventure, to that I say this. . .you haven’t had enough adventure inside four walls yet, let’s conquer that snake before I get bitten by a poisonous one. Joe is their guide and the quest for “Who will be the most adventurous” begins. And Hannah seems to be pulling ahead of everyone, because in her crusade to move to the top of Colton’s Bridal list, she is continuing to put things in her mouth that have no business there, in this particular case, she ate a slug. But if she’s willing to swallow a bug whole, that bodes well for other things she’s willing to swallow. . .whole or otherwise. I guess not wanting to be shown up by Hannah, Nicole pulled an eel out of a hole, Tayshia let a scorpion crawl on her and Colton faced his fear by wrapping a snake around his neck. Joe deems them all worthy enough to survive the jungle and gives them one hour to find food and water. They are broken into three teams. . .(1) Hannah, Hannah, and Demi. . .(2) Onyeka, Sydney, Kirpa, and Caelynn. . .(3) Colton, Katie, Nicole, and Tayshia. The Hannah’s and Demi decide to circumvent the contest and head to civilization to collect their sustenance. Tayshia gets creative and sends Katie and Nicole out to hunt for food, while her and Colton seek out more water, which is code for “let me refresh you with my mouth”, which unbeknownst or beknowst to them, Katie and Nicole get to witness and I don’t mean in a Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior way. Bugs, water, and banana plants seem to be the cuisine of choice, until Demi and the Hannahs arrive with booze and burgers. In the end, Joe was wowed by Onyeka, Sydney, Kirpa, and Caelynn. I’m not sure what the prize was though, because in the end it was the cheeseburgers that Colton was taking a bite out of.
Now that the jungle has been washed off and civilization is back, it’s time for some cocktails. Tayshia gets Colton first and whether we think she was bitchy or creative for pulling Colton all to herself in the jungle, he lets her know how much it meant to him for her to do it and then he shows her. Hannah is ready to take the plunge and show Colton what love would look like with her, Hot Mess Express and all. She is the first one of the season to tell Colton that she is falling in love with him, which earned her a little bit of lovin from him. Onyeka and Demi decide to head off and have a pow wow. According to Onyeka, before Elyse left she pulled her aside and told her something regarding Nicole, which Onyeka took as Elyse trusting her to be bold enough to tell Colton. Onyeka does start the tattling discussion off by telling Colton how much fun she had and how happy she is to be there with him, especially knowing how hard it was for him when Elyse left. She then tells him that Nicole told Elyse that she decided to do the show so she could have an opportunity to leave Miami, which by hearing this, only grows Colton’s fears more. He then decides to pull Nicole aside and find out her side. She denies everything that Onyeka said. When the scene cuts back to the girls, Onyeka is telling them what went down and Tayshia then says that she was there for that conversation and Nicole never said that. What she said is that you have to take opportunities and they could change your life. In fact, Tayshia goes on to say that Nicole never said anything about getting out of Miami, which I’m prone to believe since that’s where her twin brother lives. Nicole gets back to the girls and confronts Onyeka, who then isn’t as pumped up about her news, but still says that she was just telling Colton what Elyse told her. Tayshia has to remind Onyeka yet again, that she was there and that was never said. Onyeka tells the cameras that Colton was appreciative of the honesty. What I don’t understand is why Tayshia doesn’t just go to Colton and tell him the truth. Let’s get to the stuff we came for. In the end, it pays off to profess your love, because Hannah B. has once again been gifted with a date rose.
“I’m looking for love deeper than the sea.” I have to admit, I may be just as excited for this date as Cassie. Going in, Colton already knows that this is gonna be a great date and then tells the camera what this BXTCH has been saying for weeks. . .their chemistry is so natural and it’s just so easy being with her. They head off for a day at their very own private island. Which Colton does let us know that this island is in the middle of the ocean and that’s when this BXTCH has to say, “Aren’t all islands?”. And right from the boat leaving, the kissing begins and Colton takes any and every opportunity to grab and rub her ass that he can. He may be a virgin, but he ain’t inexperienced. Which he proves when he takes the frolicking into the ocean, you know where things are underwater and out of the camera’s reach. And now we know why Colton chose a secluded island for his date. All he wanted to do was connect with Cassie. He didn’t need to take her shopping or go bungee jumping or walk through the local market. All he wanted/needed was her. Cassie Underwood has a nice ring to it.
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Just like that, it’s nighttime. And there is no table separating them, they have planted themselves, thigh to thigh on a loveseat. After lots and lots of kissing, they finally start to have a conversation and one of the things that Cassie is worried about is him being a virgin vs. her not being one. I’m confused on what her concern is, but from what I can gather, maybe her family doesn’t know or realize that she is no longer a virgin and she’s worried about how that is going to be perceived. The whole discussion was a bit strange to me, but it didn’t seem to phase Colton at all, they both let each other know that they’re safe with one another. I’m not too sure what it was all about. . .virginity and the lack thereof, family, community, safety. . .it was all in the mix.
It’s Cassie who winds up in Colton’s bed, fully clothed. They talk about how it seems like they’ve known each other for so long and how strange that is, I guess them in bed kissing isn’t the right time to remind them that they were siblings in a past life. Colton does tell her that he is crazy about her, which is most likely code for “I’m falling in love with you.” I guess it goes without saying that Cassie was given the date rose. 
No sooner than Colton eliminated the Courtney vs. Demi and Tracy vs. Demi conflict, another one has flared up in the form of Onyeka vs. Nicole. Though as a quick reminder, it was Onyeka the one convincing Demi to take the Courtney issue to Colton, so there is definitely a common denominator. Tayshia gets her crack at Colton first and she uses her time to making wishes and lighting lanterns, which has the other girls a bit jealous. Demi puts a trust ring on his finger, she has a matching one and made a declaration to always being open and honest. Kirpa flossed his teeth. Hannah G. had a normal conversation and when it was Nicole’s turn, she was ready to lay it all out and that she does. And just when I thought that she did a good job telling Colton how she felt, she goes and tells him that Onyeka has been bullying her from the moment they met. And now it’s time for dad to intervene and get to the bottom of the situation. Onyeka denies the allegations that Nicole has made against her and once her conversation with Colton is over, one is about to begin with Nicole. Which escalates decibel by decibel until it spills over to Colton while he is trying to have a conversation with Katie, which then forces him into the conversation between Onyeka and Nicole, but once they talk louder and louder over one another, he gets up and walks away, with Onyeka hot on his heels. Both tried to talk to him, with him telling both that he needs time alone. And just like that, we’re hit with our very first “To Be Continued. . .” of the season.
“The most ferocious animal in the jungle is Hannah Beast.” -Hannah B.
“These other ladies can suck maggots, but me, I’m drinking champagne.” -Demi
“So Cassie, to the start of something very, very special.” -Colton
“Nicole’s literally a psycho.” -Onyeko
“. . .praise the Lord I’m not in the drama this time.” -Hannah B.
I am disappointed that Elyse chose to take herself out of the running. I’m sure it’s harder to put yourself into the situation than to just observe others doing it and maybe she didn’t think she would get this far and fall so fast, but I still feel like she could’ve given it a bit more time. I’m not sure what the expectation is when you’re dating a guy who happens to be dating multiple girls and flaunting it in front of you. . .but I also know that I have no desire to ever find out.
You know the chemistry is fierce when even the other girls are sitting around talking about it, which is what happened while Cassie was on her excursion with Colton. And nearly every girl has noticed it, which is probably why Elyse had such a hard time trying to find her place. I’m telling you BXTCHES. . .Cassie Underwood is starting to have a really nice ring to it.
Nicole is 30 and Onyeka is 23, not that the age should matter, but one of them should know way better. I have no idea what was actually happening between them, it was hard to follow. I do think that they both fabricated whatever story that they brought to Colton and did it for the sole purpose of getting back at each other, which should tell Colton how mentally stable they both are. In my opinion, this is not entertaining. I don’t watch to see women put one another down, I wanna see the drama between The Bachelor and the contestants. I wanna see relationships grow and unravel. I wanna see women declare their undying love for a man, just to be sent home during the next episode. I don’t wanna see dumb ass arguments, I have MTV for that.
