BXTCHES Gotta Warn: I have to admit that I did not watch on Monday and here I sit on Tuesday night about to go at it. However, I did cave and ask my sister what exactly went down, since this was the episode that Colton jumped the fence and went missing. Truth be told, this BXTCH is feeling a bit depressed after being told what happened. Also, tonight was the Women Tell All, which is usually just a bunch of contestants screaming over one another while asking The Bachelor what exactly it was they were lacking to be a blushing bride. Oh, and it’s also an obvious audition for the next season of Paradise, so make your choices.
Last Week: Since I’m a shit liar, I haven’t watched the Hometown episode yet. . .well, actually I started it and got halfway through Caelynn’s meet and greet, but I do know that Caelynn was left in the dust.
Tonight: It’s the Fantasy Suites and hopefully the question of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” finally get answered.
We kick things off with Colton going to Chris to talk about the birds and the bees or more specific, the Fantasy Suites and what Colton’s expectations are going in. In case you’re wondering, there is no plan on when he is going to lose his virginity. Though he would prefer for it to be more spontaneous than planned. Also, if he feels like he is in love and that love is reciprocated, then he is ready to make some dreams come true.
The fantasies this week will come alive in Algarve, Portugal. . .don’t worry we’re not the only ones who have never heard of this region of Portugal, but it appears to be beautiful as fuck, so you may want to add it to a bucket list.
It’s no secret (or maybe it is) that Tayshia is not my fave. In the beginning I thought she was a great fit, however, now I think she is one of the women who have ulterior motives. Not only was she previously married (which I do not hold against her), but she allegedly broke up with what appears to be her fiancé the day before she left to film the show. . .so there’s a whole trough of things I find questionable. But it’s not up to me, it’s up to Colton. . .
A helicopter is the transport of choice to sight see around Algarve. Colton does confess to the camera that he is falling in love with her and she all but admitted her feelings way back when. Colton makes it clear in his confessional that if he feels that Tayshia is his person, then he will consider taking that all important step. It should be said that if he does feel that she is the one and decides to take this date in between the sheets, then this is not going to bode well for Hannah or Cassie.
A picnic on the beach sparks up a conversation about the hometown and Tayshia’s family. She made it clear that her dad never would’ve given Colton his blessing if he didn’t see something in Colton. . .this is the time where I drop a subtle reminder.
Once again, please pay close attention to the hashtags. If Colton ends up on one knee in front of her and she accepts, then this will be engagement #3. . .at 28 years old. Not that I have anything against how Tayshia lives her life, but if I were to Dr. Phil this situation, I would say that she is definitely someone who struggles with commitment. I will throw this in there. If you are looking to have someone fall in love with you and they’re right on the cusp, then seek out ABC because those motherfuckers know how to get the heart fluttering. I’ve been married for 20 years and even I’m getting pissed that my husband has never had the forethought of taking me to Algarve and I’ve never even heard of the place prior to this episode. Well played ABC. . .well played.
Dinner starts with a very near awkward wardrobe malfunction, which involved Tayshia’s breast. The discussion switched to serious as Colton thanked her for her hometown and then the topic of sex and the importance of intimacy in a relationship is brought up. We learn that Tayshia’s ex husband was her first and about a year and half into her marriage, her husband cheated. Sidebar #1: I have no idea if this is true or false. However, according to previous episodes (see episode #4), she claims she was married and divorced within a year and a half. Also, why hasn’t this come up before? It was episode #4 when she had her first one-on-one and confessed to the camera that she was falling in love, if that’s the case, then this tidbit is a pretty important detail. Now, it could also be I’m a bit of a bitch and am trying to find flaws in everything Tayshia puts out. I’m not saying that’s the case, I’m merely giving you an option. He does make a promise to always be truthful and does let her know that if she is the one, he will never cheat. The Fantasy Suite offer is extended and accepted.
During Colton’s confessional, he does confirm what I have been saying FOREVER, which is, he’s been very close to penetration and he’s pretty much done everything else. Even though I have said it and believe it, he has made it hard (no pun intended) to confirm with how awkward he can be. The only thing he has yet to do is masturbate using a vagina and tricks aren’t usually required in the beginning stages of a relationship. The question never was. . .could Colton fuck? The questions should’ve always been. . .what kind of oral skills does he possess?. . .does he know what a clit is and where it’s located?. . .does he know anything at all about the g-spot? Now these aren’t questions I need to know the answers to, but they are definitely questions the ladies deserve to either have answered during a conversation or answered during other forms of communication.
Colton most certainly was wearing a smile the next morning but no sex was had. I’m low key hoping that Tayshia discussed the amount of debt she was left with from her marriage, but that’s probably not the intimacy she was so happy about them sharing. In case you were wondering, Tayshia did confess her love and Colton admits to the camera that while he is falling in love with her, he is not in love with her.
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This date begins with a road trip through Portugal, which is much more intimate than a helicopter ride. So far, so good. Lunch and shopping and just making their way through the streets are on the agenda. During Colton’s one-on-one time with the camera, he all but says that Cassie is the one he wants in the end and even though a lot of their time was awkwardly adorable, you can’t deny the chemistry that they have with one another. He even tells the camera that Cassie makes him complete and he drops hints that Cassie may be the one that he turns everything over to in the bedroom.
Cassie is pretty up front in her confessional. The only thing she wishes for is more time. She doesn’t want to rush into telling him she loves him, though I think she’s already there, she is looking to be sure that her feelings are genuine. Conversation starts up about Cassie and her family. It doesn’t take long for her dad to be brought up and she tells Colton that her dad’s biggest concern about the whole experience is the quickness in which one will commit their forever to the other and if she is ready for that. Colton lets her know that her dad didn’t give him his blessing, which was not something Cassie expected to hear. She thought she left her hometown with her family putting their trust in her and her decision. Colton lets her know that him not getting a blessing does not change the way he feels about her and does not discourage him. While Cassie was shocked, she is also disappointed that Colton didn’t tell her when it went down. Sidebar #2: Cassie is genuinely upset that her dad didn’t bless this could be engagement and maybe I have never been one to place my future happiness solely in the hands of my family’s opinions, but this would be the time for someone to shout to our girl. . .”Fuck your family!”. . .even if it doesn’t work out and they have the opportunity to say “I told you so.”, who cares. The only way anyone in life is gonna figure out what makes them happy, is to just do it. You can’t live life on the cusp of what if’s.
So in grand ABC fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up, which was clearly planned or he wouldn’t have had a camera waiting for him. Also, how did he know exactly where she was staying? He tells the camera that he is worried about a potential engagement because your commitment to marriage should only be second to your commitment to God. Sidebar #3: I’m gonna probably need Jesus to take the wheel for this convo. I don’t wanna knock anyone’s faith or their dedication to the Homeboy above BUT if your conviction to the Word is so strong that you decide to fly half way around the world to impart wisdom on your child, then you failed somewhere in her upbringing. First, if your beliefs are what drive you, then you would’ve stressed how God ain’t sitting up on a throne wondering how his fantasy league is going. This isn’t The Bachelor season one, we are well into this thing, you should already know the process and when your daughter, who clearly values your opinion, comes to you to tell you that she’s in the running, then cut that shit off and tell her that it’s not gonna happen. If you didn’t think she would make it as far as she has, then shame on you for not knowing what a precious stone your daughter is, but you also could’ve made it crystal clear during the hometown dates and not given her any reason to think that she has your blessing. I’m hoping this is some sort of ploy to drum up some drama, because otherwise this is some bullshit and you, daddy-o, should be ashamed.
Dad claims that Cassie doesn’t look like she is in love and when she asks him about not giving his blessing, he says that, that is not something he can do after just a 30 minute conversation. Which, I get. . .however this is not a normal courtship and you knew that this day could potentially be a possibility. He asks her if she loves Colton, which she replies that she does, though not very convincing. She is clearly conflicted and wishes that she had more time. She doesn’t want her relationship with Colton to end, but isn’t sure if she’s ready to accept a proposal. Her dad then tells her that there shouldn’t be hesitation when you meet the one you want to spend your life with. Which is when I want to scream that he’s the one putting the idea of conflict into her head. He wanted more of a parade of love when she showed up for hometowns, which is where his skepticism is coming from. And while I agree that love cannot be forced, this situation is far from traditional and it’s very rare that after about six weeks of dating a guy, who happens to be dating multiple women, you bring him home in hopes for a martial blessing from your family. Again, if this is how the family feels, it’s a conversation that needed to be had BEFORE Cassie went onto the show. And fuck him for assuming that everyone takes the same path for their love story. He does tell her that he doesn’t want to dictate what she does, which he proved when he jumped on a plane in an effort to dictate what she does.
It’s pretty obvious that Colton is hoping to put his dick to work in some fashion and when he tells the camera that “Cass is the one.”. . .she better be when it’s all said and done or he’s gonna have some explaining to do. He reiterates that him not receiving her dad’s blessing doesn’t change anything about their relationship. Without going quote for quote, it’s comes down to this. She doesn’t want him to leave without getting what he wants, what he wants is her, she loves him, but isn’t in love with him. She is having doubts, he still hasn’t said much. She’s confused but doesn’t know why. He wants to know if she was planning on leaving that night, she says yes and she hates that she doesn’t know. She storms off while dramatic music plays in the background. He finally goes to her, taking her for a walk and since he hasn’t told her to fuck off yet, things may be okay. He tells her that he’s okay with being patient, but she still doesn’t know if she’ll get there. He lets her know that she is all he thinks about, even when he’s with the other girls and here’s what it all boils down to. He all but tells her that she is the one he wants to pick. Never mind, he just said that he wants it to be her at the end of this. . .engagement or not. Sidebar #4: Both are confused on where her doubt is coming from and seem to forget about the dad who dropped in and told her to be “brutally honest” with Colton. Let me just throw this in for shits and giggles. Hannah has yet to make an appearance and he has now said multiple times that he wants it to be Cassie in the end, so I’m guessing if it’s not her then it’s not anyone. Because he won’t be able to come back from these confessions and betroth himself to someone else.
Colton tells her that he doesn’t care if she’s about to leave, he will not stop fighting for her. She lets him know that staying would be the wrong decision for her. She continues to tell him that she’s just not sure she can get “there” in time and he continues to tell her that he’s not expecting her to and it’s a dialogue that continues to play on a loop. He professes his love, she professes hers, but she still gets in the car and drives away. I’m all about angst in a good love story, but even this is a bit much for me.
Then the moment we’ve all been waiting for the entire season finally comes to fruition. It was like a scene straight from Unreal. Colton leaves, jumping the fence, even ignoring Chris. . .which when is Chris ever ignored. My favorite part is Chris and the producers calling him like a dog in the hopes he’ll answer. Needless to say, the episode ends with Colton’s virginity still intact. Oh and a To Be Continued.
“. . .I’m not very flexible.”. . .”It’s probably because I’m a virgin.” -Colton
“There’s ways to loosen that up you know.” -Tayshia
“I don’t know if he’ll wake up a virgin tomorrow.”. . .”If he has a big smile tomorrow morning, I think you can kinda guess why.” -Tayshia
“You make me happy.” -Colton (to Cassie)
“I fucking love you.” -Colton (to Cassie)
“He just jumped the fucking fence.” -Chris
While we may not know how next week’s 2 night season finale will go, one thing I think we can all agree on is this. . .Colton is either gonna end up with Cassie or no one at all. There is no way, in reality world or the real one, that he professes his love that many times while telling her that she is the one he wants in the end and still have Tayshia or Hannah agree to be his happy ending.
I believe that a lot of what went down between Colton and Cassie tonight was real, but I can’t help but wonder how much was drummed up or instigated by producers. Once Cassie brought up her dad, the only other thing mentioned about him was Cassie referring to the love her mom and dad had and how she admires it. That was it. Everything was looking good while the sun shone bright, but once the moon hit the sky, Cassie had done a flip flop and not once did her dad get brought up again. It didn’t occur to either of them that maybe dad was the missing piece to her freak out puzzle? Colton could’ve said he wanted to talk to him, get some insight, ensure her dad that he is the read deal. But nope, not one word.
Here’s what we know cannot happen under any circumstances. Colton cannot pick Hannah or Tayshia, then in the end decide it’s not gonna work. The show has been there and done that and it doesn’t work out well for any party involved. You just need to refer to Ari to know how well that goes over in Bachelor Nation. In my romance book fantasy world, Colton goes after Cassie, fighting for her. Of course, this is after he breaks up with Hannah and Tayshia. This is a two night season finale, which means that more drama will be involved before the love gets worked out. And finishing up Hannah’s date and picking your wife should only take one episode, not two. . .so something big is coming. I find it hard to believe that ABC is gonna be okay with a no pick. This is not why they put so much money into this show. I do think it will bode well for the franchise if Colton and Cassie work it out and decide to just date, rather than get engaged. At the very least, that will confirm to someone like me that they do somewhat take the happiness of their leads and contestants into consideration.
Also, fuck Cassie’s dad.
