BXTCHES Gotta Warn: So, if you don’t yet know. . .this is a very important season within this franchise. It is the very first time that the show has featured any person of color. . .as “its person”. Some of you may think that it’s not quite a big deal, but for a show that has been on the air for 15 years, that’s a lot of fucking white people. While I’m starting to wish ABC would stop pulling its star from the previous season(s), Nick’s season did offer up a good bunch of candidates, with Rachel coming in at the top. Everything about her was lovable, so much so, that I was shocked when Nick sent her home. . .well, not shocked, because ABC had already revealed her as the next Bachelorette, BUT, if they hadn’t, then a BXTCH would’ve dropped her jaw. . .that is how great her chemistry was with Nick. It should be said that I also loved Jojo on Ben’s season and was not a big fan when she took top billing, so I could be all wrong about Rachel. My fingers are certainly crossed.
Still Warning: Tonight’s episode is all about the meet & greet. Rachel did meet four of the fellas during Nick’s ATFR, with none of them making a great impression on me. So, with an episode that started at 8pm instead of 7pm (thank you DWTS) and went for two hours, it’s quite late, but I will try to keep this short, sweet, funny, and to the point. But when guys check in with occupations like “Tickle Monster”, I can’t make too many promises.
We did get a small glimpse into the life of some of the men hoping to sweep Rachel off her feet. First up is Kenny. Kenny is a wrestler, who goes by the name “Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King”. Well, there’s a name I’m sure Rachel never imagined screaming out in bed. We learn that Kenny is from Las Vegas and is the father to a 10 year old daughter. If you read over my Meet the Cast post (here), you would also know that Kenny was once a dancer for Chippendales and has appeared on the dating show Baggage. He also once had sex with a woman while her husband rubbed one out watching. Okay, I have no idea if the hubs actually reached the pleasure pinnacle. . .but c’mon what would be the point in watching otherwise. I’ve decided to not make too many quick assumptions when it comes to Pretty Boy Pitbull, he may have some serious tricks up his sleeve and I’m gonna choose to believe that his colored past has just given him more experience for the future.
Jack is up next and he is an attorney from Dallas (sound familiar?). There wasn’t anything new I learned about Jack that wasn’t mentioned in Meet the Cast. He lost his mom to cancer when he was a senior in high school and is looking for love to a woman who can birth him lots of babies.
Alex is from Michigan and claims to be a huge nerd. He was born in Russia, and I would like to go ahead and push for a #alexandkristina on Bachelor in Paradise, if this doesn’t work out for him of course. The interaction we got to see with his parents definitely worked in his favor and he can speak Russian. . .another language is always a plus.
Mo is from San Francisco and has launched his own startup. One thing I didn’t know about this guy is he has been doing Bollywood dance for 20 years. He seems to have a pretty big family and while he loves his nieces and nephews, he is looking to play a game of catch up and get a few of his own and even though he has yet to actually meet Rachel or sit and have a conversation with her, he is quite sure that her ovaries are the right ones for the job.
Lucas is next and even in the middle of stalking researching these guys, I knew prior to the introduction that this guy was gonna be a first class douchebag. . .and he did not disappoint on that front. He’s 30. I find it important to point that out because you would never know otherwise. He introduces himself using his catch phrase #whaboom, which seems to invoke some sort of seizure activity. . .seriously, so extreme that I hope the crew has some emergency team on standby. #concussionprotocolbxches The only thing I was able to take from his piece? We have certainly failed our youth and that motherfucker must go through a hell of a lot of Advil.
Blake is a personal trainer and sports nutritionist. . .and his segment featured him displaying his talents all over Venice Beach. He does believe that his libido is above average. . .something about testosterone and science. He thought it was important to educate us on his last relationship, which was sex driven, and apparently took him from having a penis to a cock. He actually phrased it differently, but that’s what he meant. His whole interview was centered around sex and his penis and how amazing it is. Look, if you gotta talk about it, chances are you’re not too impressive. . .between the sheets or in the pants. #thatsrealitybxtches
We meet Diggy in Chicago and it seems that the name “Diggy” has something to do with his fashion sense. Our guru owns 575 pairs of sneakers. I am really gonna have to let tidbit marinate a bit and get back with y’all when it makes more sense.
When it’s Josiah’s turn, he lays a lot of heavy shit right on top of us. It starts with the story of his older brother’s suicide, in which he discovered the body and at just seven years old, was the one to cut him from the tree. He then goes onto to tell the story about how he was arrested at the age of twelve and the judge had a come to Jesus talk with him and it turned his life around. There’s an after school special somewhere in this story. He is now a prosecutor for the same state attorney’s office that offered him a second chance. So, maybe we didn’t fail all of our youth.
To seek advice, Rachel’s leans on the shoulders of: Alexis, Corinne, Jasmine, Raven, Kristina, Whitney and Astrid (at least I think it was Astrid). I gotta say, there wasn’t a whole lot of great advise dished. Alexis did tell Rachel to not judge anyone in a costume and when the discussion moved towards the guys Rachel had already met (on ATFR), there were votes for Eric, Dean, and DeMario. Now, during their talk, one of the ladies mentions to Rachel that the second guy she met that night may not have the purest intentions. This nugget came from Whitney via Sarah (from Nick’s season), who knew the guy in college. I think that the second guy featured that night was DeMario, but Rachel is pretty intent on giving the guys a shot, even if their original motive isn’t authentic. She made Raven cry and they are all excited about being a bridesmaid. Oh, and Kristina’s hair was phenomenal. I’m telling y’all. . .#alexandkristina
**This is gonna be a bit long and run-on”ish”, but I wanna cover them all, so bear with me.**
Peter is out of the limo first. Does nothing outrageous, but certainly makes an impression. Josiah greets Rachel with a hug and throws in the fact that he is a prosecutor and is sure by the end, she will have “no reasonable doubt” that he is the man for her. #smoothnotsmooth. When Bryan gets his shot, he wows her with a bit of Spanish and even this BXTCH can say that the chemistry was palpable. Kenny decides to lay on the compliments and show her some of his dance moves #prettyboypitbull. Rob comes at her with some sort of Bachelorette first round draft pick, I’m not too sure I followed where that was supposed to go and I’m really not sure if that was the angle he should’ve went with. Maybe I’m just out of my age range when it comes to some of the fashion, but Iggy, I need to holler at you. . .what the fuck are you wearing? From the waist up, not bad, but focusing in on the bottom half and someone should’ve told you to try again. Not only should I not be able to see your ankles when you wear a suit, but mercy me, you need to put some socks on. Bryce the firefighter, who shows up in his dress uniform, literally sweeps her off of her feet. If my husband even attempted that smooth move, someone is gonna be in bed for a week and not because sexy is going down, it’ll be more like ice packs are going on. So, do your thang, Bryce. Will decided to channel his inner Steve Urkel, then hopping back into the limo to bring out Stefan Urquelle. It was cute and it made her laugh, so I’m guessing it was a win all the way around. Diggy wanted to teach her how to Diggy and Kyle wanted to show her his buns. . .his Jamaican buns and cheese. Blake K. shared the story of his grandparents quick courtship and 65 year marriage in the hopes of offering up some words of encouragement. Brady actually brought an ice block and sledgehammer to “break the ice”, #shesallaboutthecornyjoke. When Dean gets his shot, he’s a little nervous to hear her true reaction to his “going black” line he used on ATFR, but she assures him that she loved it and loves his confidence. Eric may be listed as a personal trainer on The Bachelorette, but his LinkedIn account also lists him as a Difference Maker (which I prefer) and he claims to Rachel that dancing is his jam, I beg to differ. DeMario needed to really pull some tricks out, considering he has already laid it on thick when he offered up some plane tickets and a ring on ATFR. He doesn’t seem nervous and expresses his excitement to experience all the firsts with her. Blake E. really brings it when he comes up with a marching band, along with being a personal trainer, nutritionist, and a master in the bedroom, he is also an Aspiring Drummer. It not only impressed Rachel, but the guys even had a twinge of green tint. Fred arrives with a yearbook, one that not only has a picture of him, but one of her as well. It seems that she was his camp counselor and it also seems that he was a bit of a bad ass kid when he was younger. Jonathan introduces himself and his occupation is listed as Tickle Monster #thatsfuckingcreepy He’s actually a doctor, which is much more impressive, but hey, it’s his dick that will never see the light of day or Rachel. He goes that route because she likes a man who can make her laugh. Now, I’m no expert, but I don’t think that is what she meant. Lee, the resident musician, walks up strumming his guitar while singing an original tune, while Alex comes with a vacuum (?) talking about being part of the cleaning crew. Milton has a camera that he uses to take a selfie with her and Adam brings Adam Jr. along for the introduction. Adam Jr. isn’t his son or his brother, it isn’t even his dick, it’s a weird as fuck doll that looks as if it was taken from the set of a horror movie. And if we were waiting for someone to show up in a costume, we got it with Matt in penguin gear, who laid some story on her about how penguins mate for life, yada, yada, yada. Grant took his arrival to the extreme when he came up in an ambulance. I should point out that he is also a doctor, so I suppose the vehicle made sense. Jamey may be the shortest one vying, but he does not lack confidence. Jack, Mo, Jedidiah, Mike all arrive giving hugs and cute anecdotes. At this point, the guys are pondering who the crazy one is and it is about that time that Lucas makes his arrival, complete with a bullhorn. Oh, and we were also lucky enough to learn that one of his testicles is larger than the other #themoreyouknow, His occupation is listed as Whaboom and he then proceeds to seize and paint her the picture. The crazy question has been answered.
31 guys (although I think I missed one) are going to battle for one-on-one time with Rachel. . .all in the hopes of being the one to walk away in end with her by his side.
It’s time for cocktail hour and Josiah grabs her first, much to the dismay of every other guy in the room. My initial impression of Josiah was positive, but when he begins his conversation with Rachel, he jumps right into his childhood arrest story and why he became a prosecutor. If you really want a BXTCHES opinion (even if you don’t), he would’ve been more effective whipping out his law school diploma and using it to convince her of them being soul mates. C’mon Josiah, you’re meeting her for the very first time. . .let’s keep it light and easy. Spread it on a little thin, but not so much that your desperation starts to show.
It’s fascinating to watch how different, or sometimes not so different, the male contestants are from the female ones. Dean pulled out a sand pit to build castles and Rob brings a homemade draft pick card (his introduction makes a bit more sense albeit still strange) with her picture on it. In my professional opinion, the ones who have the most success are the ones who go at it old school. They sit and have a conversation. We learn through her talk with Eric that if she happens to find love in the end, she will move wherever and figure the rest out when she gets there. Anthony was curious if she is still in the same place now that she was when she met Nick and her answer. . .she wants to get married and start a family.
Sitting around, talk moves toward Adam’s creepy as fuck doll. Even though the guys coined it as “low-key creepy”, this BXTCH ain’t buying that. If anything, that damn doll is the highest of keys creepy. Can you imagine Rachel attempting some sort of intimacy with Adam and THAT is in the corner? What kind of birds and bees talk did his parents have with him, because whatever it was, they need a do-over. And whenever he joins Adam and Rachel, she is not impressed, I actually think nightmares may come to her from this.
Matt may have shown up dressed like a penguin, but there chat was very casual with no nervousness. They disagreed on who the better artist was. . .Michael Jackson or Prince. . .she’s for the King, he’s for the Prince. They joked about his costume. The conversation was very “I saw you in a bar and wanted to get to know you better so I bought you a drink”, impulsive.
Bryan is the oldest at 37, which he points out to Rachel and she actually loves that about him. He is smooth though (#oldschool is the way to go), he takes her to a hideaway alcove and straight out of jump street he enlightens her on how serious he is about this process, then throws down some Spanish, toes are already starting to curl. That smooth Columbian wasted no time in plowing our girl with his tongue, don’t worry, she plowed back and she may claim that she wasn’t wanting anyone to lay one on her night one, she also admits to enjoying it.
Chris arrives carrying the First Impression Rose as if it’s the fucking Hope Diamond, but I do love how it arrives on a platter and he just sits it down for all to salivate over. I loved it even more when Josiah put his lawyer skills to use and attempted to close it out with the fact that he was the one that was going to get it. It was in a room that was sans Rachel, but it was cute when he actually picked it up and pretended it was gonna belong to him.
The pressure begins to mount and I’m assuming some armpits are starting with the flop sweat. If you thought the ladies were bad with the interruptions, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Once the disturbances begin. . .a line actually forms, as if she is an attraction at an amusement park. It was awkward for me, I can imagine (not really) how it felt for Rachel. Unfortunately for Mo, the alcohol kicked in way before he got the chance to pull up his seat.
We had to know that some focus was gonna be on the resident douchebag, Lucas. This asshat is walking around with that bullhorn making announcements and seizing to whaboom. What made my spidey sense rise what the dynamic between him and Blake E. We already know that they are acquainted with one another (they were on the show Ex-Isle together), but no mention of that has been brought up yet. Blake is talking some shit about Lucas, but not using the fact that he knows him as the basis for his smack talk. The whole dynamic is weird and unsettling. It’s so obvious that ABC is setting up a Blake vs. Lucas two-on-one.
Milton took advantage of his time with Rachel to show her why in fact she shouldn’t pick him. He’s a growler and not in a “I have to have you now, right up against this wall” way, but in a “I’ve never seen a vagina, but my buddy told me that girls like it when you growl in their ear” way. There’s probably a book somewhere with the title “100 Ways Guaranteed To Not Get A Girl’s Panties Wet” and if there’s not one, there should be and growling in that manner should be at least ways 1-10. And reasons 11-50, men who wear their own catchphrase on their shirt. . .#trustabxtch
It’s time to hand out the all important First Impression Rose and from the look of disappointment on the faces when the realization hits them that they did not rise to the occasion when it comes to our bride to be is close to priceless. She does seek out Bryan and pins him with the coveted flower. You would think that when she pins it on him and he goes in for another kiss. . .and I’m not talking about a peck, I’m talking tongue teasing, spit swapping lust, this exchange definitely caused some movement below Bryan’s belt, guaranteed. . .anyway, you would think that the kiss would be the best part. No, the best part is Mo in the background, about three sheets gone as one could be, spying and witnessing the kiss. It’s that moment that I think he realizes he will never be Rachel’s other half and her ovaries are never going to produce the eggs that would lead to their future children, especially when he cries out “NOOO” while peeking. Quick reminder, Rachel was the recipient of Nick’s First Impression Rose.
Bryan, 37
Peter, 31
Will, 28
Jack, 32
Jamey, 32
Iggy, 30
Eric, 29
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DeMario, 30
Jonathan, 31
Bryce, 30
Alex, 28
Kenny, 35
Dean, 26
Matt, 32
Anthony, 26
Brady, 29
Josiah, 28
Lee, 30
Kenneth “Diggy”, 31
Fred, 27
Adam, 27
Blake, 31
Lucas, 30
Rob, 30
Mohit, 26
Milton, 31
Michael, 26
Jedidiah, 35
Kyle, 26
Grant, 29
Blake K., 29
“Like, this finger is ready.” -Rachel
“The word ‘whaboom’ grew from the word ‘boom’. . .but is has a lot more energy behind it.” -Lucas
“I don’t want to come across as the guy that talks about his penis. But how many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis?” -Blake
“But I’m gonna tell you like this. Like if that thing turns into Annabelle and like, moves to different rooms, I’m gonna burn it myself. Like, just cause I just don’t play.” -Kenny
“Mark my words, she’s gonna be my wife.” -Josiah
“I mean if she chooses whaboom, then all of us need to re-examine what we think is fly.” -Kenny
If you think the tears are only for the woman, you are sadly mistaken. . .Milton cried as if he was being sent home right before the Fantasy Suites. In his defense, he did buy a bunch of new clothes and wasn’t able to show them off. And as much as I would like to muster up some grief for him, I can’t find it in me. He was the one that was hoping that this experience would get him discovered.
While I may understand the need for you guys over at ABC to rake in the ratings and I may also understand what Lucas and his brain shaking, concussion causing jig will bring to this season, I am having a very difficult time with the need for y’all to pick him for Rachel. I understood Corinne. . .she came wrapped in a very nice package. . .hell, she could probably even make my dick hard, but with Lucas there isn’t even sex appeal. Because trust a BXTCH, there is NO WAY that someone who seizes and shakes and yells WHABOOM at every opportunity, knows how to use his dick. At the very most, you’re gonna get an average missionary out of him and I’m gonna go ahead and assume that if he is the type to take a trip downstairs, he is also screaming WHABOOM at your pussy. . .no thank you. My problem with this dictated pick is, there is nothing about him that could tether him to Rachel. . .to be blunt. . .he’s not good enough for her, and I hope she is insulted that somewhere in a room in that mansion, somebody told her to pick him. #thatbxtchdeservesbetter
I think that this season is certainly going to be interesting. I’m not yet sure who my final four will be, but my eye is on: Bryan, Eric, Alex, Anthony, Peter, and believe it or not. . .Kenny. I didn’t think I would like him, but he may very well grow on me. Buckle up BXTCHES, it’s gonna be a fun ride.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
