Last Week On: It seems that week after week, the one descriptor I have for the episode is “hot mess”, well last week was not a whole lot different. . .the crazy was seeping from Krystal’s pores. . .the girls almost drank their own urine, all in the name of love. . .Bekah finally revealed her age. . .and we learned that nothing will piss off a bunch of horny women quicker than someone cutting off their liquor source and Arie did just that when he decided to cancel the cocktail party.
Tonight On: (1) group date and (2) one-on-one dates
The love fest has moved on to Fort Lauderdale, which really sucks for Caroline, who went home last week, because that is her hometown, but the show must go on. If it wasn’t cheesy enough with Arie cruising down the road with the top down, ABC decided to take it up a notch when they had the girls voyaging down the boardwalk on bicycles. I’m gonna go ahead and save the powers that be some time and say, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Use the screen time for some good stuff, surely we haven’t seen the best that Krystal has to give. Once the girls have settled in, and by that I mean the obligatory jumping on the bed, freaking out over the view, sitting in a bathtub fully clothed together, you know, the norm. . .once that is out of the way, they sit and wait for their one and only to show up and when he does, it’s Chelsea who gets swept away.
One-On-One #1: Chelsea | Chelsea says that she is excited for Arie to get to know her as Chelsea and not just the mom that he knows her to be. Say what? Wasn’t she the very first one on the very first night to stick her tongue in his mouth? And wasn’t she the one who interrupted Annaliese’s time on a group date just so she could “steal a kiss”? Isn’t she also the one who encouraged Annaliese in that very same episode to go for it with Arie after Arie already told her no. Which of those scenarios scream “MOM!”? The only way anyone even knows that she is a mom is because the words have come out of her mouth, not because every time she’s with Arie, she whips out the tissue to capture his boogies. The date kicks off on a yacht and a toast to “getting to know each other better”
Meanwhile at the hotel: Lauren, Marikh, Seinne, and Ashley are discussing how surprised they are that Chelsea was the chosen one. Actually, Seinne was shocked, Lauren was just flat out disappointed that she’s not the one hanging with Arie. But this is also the time that Maquel returns, which made a BXTCH smile. My only question is whether or not she had access to research Arie while she was away?
Once again we find those who were left behind leering and this time their weapon of choice is a telescope. It’s Maquel, Lauren, and Marikh who decide to put their inner peeping tom skills to work by not only spying on Arie and Chelsea while they have their Titanic moment on the yacht, but also when they take out the jet skis and Chelsea decides to straddle Arie like they’re in a strip club and her electric bill is due. But that particular make out move works because the ladies quickly abandon their post and head back inside their hotel room.
A Car Museum is the location for the evening side of their date and once again we’re starting with a toast. I’d like to point out that both toasts of this date have been made by Chelsea. . .just saying, Arie is not equaling Alpha. He does say (in his confessional) he recognizes that he needs to treat Chelsea “delicately” because she is a single mom. WTF!? I’m not sure what that means or if he even knows what it means, but please point out where in the date or any time up to this point that her being a mom has affected the way he has treated her, because I’m quite certain that the last thing popping up while she has her body pressed against his and her tongue lodged in his mouth, is her single mom status. Conversation quickly turns to Chelsea’s past and her baby daddy. Let’s chat here for a bit. A quick review, baby daddy is Mike Wilson, he cheated on Chelsea with his now current wife, which was the catalyst for their breakup. We did learn tonight that the two ended things when the kiddo was six months old, which almost brought a tear to Arie’s eyes. Here’s where things get interesting. I don’t like to read spoilers, so that tends to dampen my research a bit, but rumor has it that Chelsea was dating Julian Edelman right before she was cast on the show. In case you are not aware, Julian Edelman is a wide receiver for the NE Patriots and if you’re gonna play a game of This or That between Julian and Arie, the answer will forever and always be This. I have not been able to find one piece of evidence that supports this claim, if you Google Julian Edelman and Chelsea Roy, nada, there is nothing on her Instagram that would give life to this claim either, but the rumor is out there, I’m just curious to where it started. It’s also being tossed around that the only reason Chelsea is on the show is to advance her modeling career. That rumor may be a bit more believable. It makes more since for her to leave her son behind in an effort to make a better life, more so than to just find love. If you remember way back in the very first episode, Chelsea said that she was looking for a man to show her son what it is like to be a father, which in BXTCH translation means that the dad is not an active part of her son’s life. . .but he is. In fact, the son is currently with his father while Chelsea is on the show and the anger between these two must run hella deep because the dad went back to court to stop his child support payments while she is on the show, so there is really a lot going on in her life, and not all of it positive. Back to the date. I got the feeling as soon as she started going into her past, that she scripted what she had planned to say. It almost seemed rehearsed. She covers the basics and I couldn’t tell if she was trying to fight back tears or force them. During her monologue, she implies that her ex (baby daddy) had money and since she was so young and he was older, he was able to mold her into what he wanted and when things ended she was left with nothing but her belongings that were put into trash bags. She is saying all of this to a man who is older, whose net worth is in the millions and who also just enjoyed a date with her on a yacht. . .sound familiar? She does recover quickly when she tells him that the date could’ve been in a park and it would’ve been equally as fantastic. Arie found the date just as amazing, which he tells her so as he hands over the date rose. Once again, we get a great solo performance and tonight featured Tenille Arts and as strange as it is for the couple to be the only one dancing in the room, it’s a lot less awkward than them dancing at a concert surrounded by hundreds of people. Oh and apparently this date has proven to Chelsea that love is possible. . .there is no way that she dated Julian Edelman.
Group Date: Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren “There’s not a moment to spare.” -Arie | He’s taking the girls bowling and after the embarrassing performance by Arie at the beginning of the date, I now know that someone over at ABC hates Arie and lobbied for him to be named the next Bachelor for the sole purpose of humiliating him. And trust a BXTCH, the goal has been accomplished. That is the only explanation for what went down between Arie, the bowling alley, and that very unfortunate bowling ball, which after tonight, can now tweet out #metoo. The great thing about this date is we get Krystal and she almost immediately goes into performance mode when she tells the cameras how some girls are desperate in fighting for his attention, but that’s just not who she is. This would be a good time to remind our resident whackadoodle that she is literally on a show whose title could be interchanged with the word Desperate, but that’s none of my business. The date will be a competition, with the losing team going back to the hotel and the winning team getting Arie. . .man, that’s a hard choice to have to make. It’s the Pin-Ups vs. the Spare Roses. . .I’m telling y’all, someone who works on this show, hates this show. I have no idea what it is that Jenna does prior to the competition taking off, but I’m quite certain that too much beer is involved and I’m also pretty sure that during her teen years, either Bring It On or Striptease was her favorite movie and she spent many an afternoon in front of a mirror channeling her inner cheer/strip BXTCH. Somewhere her mother just wondered where it is that she went wrong. Krystal takes a moment to offer up a prayer and for her dogs to be their angels. I’m not sure how the teams were split up, but it’s clear that the talent was not spread out. . .the Spare Roses (Jenna, Becca, Krystal, Jacquline, Maquel) take the win, which should mean that the Pin-Ups (Bekah, Marikh, Lauren, Seinne, Ashley) are headed back to the hotel to wallow in the wine glasses filled with their tears, but Arie is feeling a bit guilty and instead chooses for all the girls to head to the party. And because of his graciousness, some shit is about to fly.
We were forced to watch Arie make out with a bowling ball, but get deprived of the chaos that goes down on the bus ride back to the hotel. Who the fuck is in charge? Krystal is very unhappy with her future stalking victim, so much so that she used the time on the bus to throw Arie under it, telling the girls that he is a liar and she can’t trust him. Normal individuals who felt this way, would just pack up their shit and head home, key word: normal. But this is a good time to get a sneak peek at what real crazy is like. The girls do confront Krystal when she comes out in her bathrobe, ready to boil a bunny, and when Kendall asks her if she is out of the game or is she trying to send a message, she does say that her suitcase is ready to go. Kendall gives her a small piece of her mind and then it’s time for everyone to head out. One would have to wonder if her reaction would’ve been the same if it were Krystal’s team who lost and then got invited to still hang with Arie. . .and it took the baby of the group to point this out to everyone else. Arie soon realizes that Krystal is missing and once the girls feel him in on her temper tantrum, he decides to check in on her. Which of course is just giving her what she wants. . .alone time with him. Overall, I don’t think Arie should’ve went back upstairs, but I do think he handled it really well. He did tell her to stay in the room while he was going to go hang out with the girls and he would see her in a few days. Once things get settled, Kendall gets Arie first. Followed by Bekah. Both get their opportunity to make out with him and I can say with all of my gusto, that I am actually tired of seeing the tongues swap spit, we don’t need the close up, do we? We do find out that because of all the drama, Becca not only missed out on shaving her legs, but she had to skip the whole shower completely and still smells like a bowling ball. How her whole body smells like one, is a mystery I have no interest in solving, but the good news? Arie did lick a bowling ball earlier and he takes her back to his room, so the night may end in her favor. Just when we thought that Arie put Crazy to sleep for the night. . .she decides that she is not done.
It doesn’t take long for the girls to call Krystal out on her hypocrisy and once that is done, she decides to go put the crazy up for good, well until tomorrow. Lauren gets her time with Arie and actually has one of the better discussions, they play a bit of 21 questions, which was really more like 5 questions, but at least she is making an attempt at getting to know him better. And because of that, he gifts her with the rose.
One-On-One Date #2: Tia | This date is taking the happy couple to the Everglades National Park. My first thought was hell no, this is not the date for me, but watching them fly through the water, it actually looked pretty cool. They meet up with Gerald, who has built a cabin smack in the middle of the Everglades and loves to go frogging. They devour fried frog legs, fried catfish, and fried corn on the cob. The Arkansawyer is shining bright from Tia’s soul on this date. So far, this is a great one-on-one. Whoever the mastermind is behind this date, needs to plan more, because this is by far the most real date Arie has been on. There was no yacht, there was no celebrity stylist or private jet back to meet the ‘rents, there was no hot tubbing on the lake. . .this was just what was needed. . .normalcy.
The evening finds them at a nautical themed restaurant and it also finds Tia confessing to the camera that she is falling in love with Arie and she knows she needs to tell him. I knew our first confession of the season was coming, I just didn’t think it would be my girl, I wonder how much Raven shared with her and made her feel that it was important to be the first one to utter those three all important words? The conversation kicks off good, we learn that Tia has her doctorate in physical therapy, so one should start referring to her as Dr. Tia Booth, the ladies should probably take note. She also confesses that she can do her job anywhere, good little tidbit to throw into the convo. Things quickly switch to faith and religion. She has it, he doesn’t. He does ask her if she could see herself married to someone that is not of the faith and she responds with “Yeah. Like if I understand your perspective of it”. I’m not sure I can totally believe that, but we’ll table that topic for another time. The whole discussion felt very natural and not at all forced. . .until she confesses her love. I don’t know if it was weird because she was nervous or maybe because there were cameras all around, but it was a bit wincy. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if it’s real, but in the meantime, Arie fell for it and the rose is her’s. Where it gets interesting is when Arie confesses to the camera that he feels himself more around her than he does with any of the other women, so it looks like #teamtia is pulling out in front of the pack. It also looks like Arie just can’t get enough of her, because they stop on the porch to resume a very hot and heavy make out sesh.
I’m guessing that Arie has not made up his mind yet, considering cocktail time is about to commence. I’m also guessing that with the drama that has surrounded Krystal this week, the ladies are gonna need some liquid sustenance to get through the night. My point is proven when Krystal gives her obligatory speech about how challenging the week was for her, but in the end she is just here for Arie, which if that is the case, I’m not sure why she is sharing her inner most diary with everyone, but birds of a crazy feather. . .Kendall gets Arie first and finally another who starts off their time by playing a game of “let me get to know you without your tongue in my mouth”. Kendall is a quirky one, which comes across as very charming, the question she chooses to start with is whether or not Arie would consume human meat if it were the tradition of a hypothetical tribe he was visiting, okay maybe charming wasn’t the right word. In case you’re curious, no he would not. In the meantime, the girls are doing what us girls do best and that’s talk some shit. Of course this shit show is being brought to us thanks to Krystal and her wacky ways. This wouldn’t be the show it is if Krystal wasn’t able to hear every single word that is being spoken about her, but no worries, she knows how tight she is with her boo, but just in case, she is gonna go ahead and try to diffuse before anyone sabotages. She offers herself up for some one-on-one time with anyone who wants to hash it out privately. Kendall is her first bite and all her quirkiness goes straight out the window, she has put on her big girl britches for this convo. Kendall basically told Krystal that she needed step off her man, because there is no way that she could feel love for him while calling him names behind his back. Bekah had her turn to call her out as well and as many time as Krystal has commented on Bekah’s maturity, I think Bekah was the adult in that conversation. And as a reminder, all of this drama is because. . .Krystal called Arie a liar and untrustworthy. . .Krystal packed her bags to go home, but is still there. . .it’s not because he confessed feelings for her and someone else, it’s not because she caught him making out with another woman, it’s not even because he went on a date with someone else. . .it’s because he changed his mind. Let that sink in for just a bit. If she is that offended and that hurt over him just having a change of heart, can you imagine what the future would look like for him if he were to gift her with his last name?
We had to know that Arie was going to give her a chance to speak privately with him and as soon as he sits, the voice gets turned on. Arie tells her she knows him better than any other girl there and their relationship is further along than any other. . .that’s the way you should play this game, Arie, just continue to pull out the insanity, smart move. He does man up a bit when he tells her that the behavior she displayed put their relationship back a bit. Now is the time that we may need to have Jesus take the wheel, because as I sit here and watch as I type, I cannot believe the words that are coming out of her mouth. She now blames the whole breakdown on the fact that she grew up in a bowling alley, her mom worked there, and it was difficult seeing men come in and out of her mom’s life while making promises they could not keep. And that bowling alley date just brought up some awful memories from her childhood. Move over Annaliese, we have a winner. On a more positive note, Arie didn’t seem like he was falling for her story and he actually stepped up and laid it all out on the line for her. . .like a goddamn adult, one who used his words instead of his tongue.
Chelsea, Lauren, and Tia all have secured their place for one more week. Now let’s see some hearts break and some tears shed. And we can’t forget that whoever he says goodbye to tonight will have no hope for love in the future, so we also get to see some dreams die right before our very eyes. On a side note, we need to get real serious about getting Krystal that dictionary, I’m not sure she knows what the word ‘futuristic’ means.
Chelsea, 29-Real Estate Executive Assistant
Lauren B., 25-Tech Sales
Tia, 26-Physical Therapist
Bekah M., 22-Nanny
Seinne, 27-Commercial Real Estate Manager
Kendall, 26-Creative Director
Becca K., 27-Publicist
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Jacquline, 26-Reasearch Coordinator
Jenna, 28-Social Media Manager
Krystal, 29-Fitness Coach
Ashley Luke, 25-Real Estate Agent
Maquel, 23-Photographer
Marikh, 27-Restaurant Owner
“I’m on a dreamboat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.” -Chelsea
“Krystal literally, like, lost her mind.” -Ashley
“I’m just trying to have fun and bowl.” -Arie
“I was his first date, and I plan to be his last.” -Becca
“Hell yeah, I love fried everything.” -Tia
“I’m gonna try to diffuse the situation, because haters gonna hate.” -Krystal
“That was glitter. Glitter.” -Krystal
“Like, this is our first fight.” -Krystal
“It could be our last fight.” -Arie
,
Last week I threw out some suggestions that maybe ABC could use to make some changes and after tonight’s Rose Ceremony, I have another. I think that the ones coming into the Rose Ceremony with roses already should get to sit up front next to the Bachelor/ette, just to add some flair to the process. That way, the others are reminded who it is that’s safe, all the while they continue to wobble on their stilettos.
I was actually surprised by who got sent home. I’m not shocked that he kept Krystal, if he wasn’t keeping her for himself (or his dick), he was definitely doing it for production because she adds the drama needed for this season. I was shocked that he sent Maquel home. Why even have her come back if you’re not going to at least give her another week to find a spark? It’s as if he brought her all the way back just to humiliate her.
I may be going against any and all rules of the Ya-Ya, but is it too much for ABC to help some of the ladies out with their make-up? You don’t have to do it for them, just give some lessons. They are on television, it’s going to look different than when they are just looking into a mirror. Some of the girls got it, but some are needing just a lesson or two. But for real, someone needs to have a talk with Jenna’s eyebrows and tell them to calm their tits and while the conversation is happening, just mention that her face is showing up a bit lighter than the rest of her body when the cameras hit. She is very beautiful, just a couple of tweeks. On a more positive note, the weaves are looking fantastic so far.
The Bachelor airs on ABC Mondays. . .7pm CENTRAL/8pm EASTERN
BXTCHES Be Sharing:
Now it’s time for the worse part of the season. It’ll be boring as hell for me to go through one by one, so the best thing for me to do is grab the most interesting. Chelsea Roy from Portland, Maine may be one to watch. She is in real estate and a single mom to Sammy and when she says that she is looking for another good man to be in her life and one to show Sammy what it is to be a father. . .I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the baby daddy is non-existent. She’s hoping that since Arie has already competed for the heart of a single mom (Emily), there is a point sitting in her pro column. Caroline Lunny is in real estate as well, which she points out as a common thread for her and Arie, little does she know how common that thread will become, and no worries, she did grow up around cars, so call off the search, she has been found. Maquel Cooper is on the young side at just 23, but that’s just the tip, so to speak. It seems that the Utah native has already been married and divorced. But interestingly in her featurette, she says things like. . .“One day I’ll find love.”. . .“I wanna be married.”. . .“I really want to find someone to share a life with.” Oh, it gets better. Apparently her ex-husband, Josh Munday, wants her back. They were high school sweethearts who, according to him, just got married too early. And he already has Maquel fitted for her chastity belt, claiming that her conservative Mormon background will not have her hopping into the fantasy suite with the race car driver (see the interview, 
