BXTCHES Gotta Warn: Let’s use this moment to share some stuff. Did you know that E! posted an article this last week, saying that Johnny Bananas was interested in being the next Bachelor? For the record, I am all for this idea. If you don’t know who Johnny Bananas is, he is THE staple (with the exception of CT) of MTV’s The Challenge. Now, Bananas is someone you either love, hate, or love to hate and depending on my mood, I can easily fall into all three of these categories. This will give fans a familiar face, while circumventing Bachelor Nation and even if you are someone who hates him, you have to admit that he has a certain quality about him that I think will flourish on this show. And his persona has been earned because of the situations he finds himself in on The Challenge. He has to be manipulative, he has to be able to scheme, he has to be an asshole, all while still being just the right amount of charming. Being the next Bachelor will put him in an atmosphere where he just has to be able to woo, so if you’re someone who usually hates him, you may find yourself falling for him when it’s all said and done. If you’re interested in the article posted by E!, click here.
We’re six weeks into the Fantasy League and after five weeks, my total is sitting pretty at 785. Week Five categories were: Goes on a Group Date (5 points); Receives a One-on-One Date Card (5 points); Cries-Tears on Face (5 points); Kisses Colton on the Lips (5 points); Wins Joe’s Survival Challenge (5 points); Says “Thailand” (5 points); Receives a Rose (5 points); Says “Falling in Love” (10 points). My results:
Week Six categories are: Goes on a Group Date (5 points); Kisses Colton on the Lips (5 points); Receives a Rose (5 points); Receives a One-on-One Date Card (5 points); Says “Falling in Love”, “Connection”, or “Relationship” (5 points); Tells Colton Some Women “Aren’t Ready”, or Are “Safe” or “Easier” Choices (10 points) Cries-Tears on Face (5 points); Says “Vietnam” (5 points). My choices:
Last Week: Episode five was so jammed pack that it’s being continued tonight. First up was Elyse. She decided that she is not the woman who can share one man with multiple women, which would beg one to ask. . .“Have you seen the show?”. . .but nonetheless, in the end, she had to tell Colton goodbye. Onyeka decided to tell Colton some shit about Nicole, Nicole decided to retaliate against Onyeka by telling Colton some shit of her own and Colton needed a timeout from it all. But on a positive, Colton did tell Cassie that he was crazy about her and in my #TeamCassie corner, I’m taking that to mean that he really wanted to tell her that he was falling in love, but couldn’t because he wasn’t allowed to at this point. However, Alabama Hannah was the first to drop the L bomb and it went over well, because she was gifted another date rose.
Tonight On: We are picking up where we left off last week, which means we’re just waiting for a Rose Ceremony. There will be (2) one-on-one dates and (1) group date tonight. Oh and this fest is moving to Vietnam.
We’re picking up with Colton walking on the beach, I’m assuming in deep thought regarding life’s choices while Onyeka and Nicole are trying their best to protect their reputations amongst the girls. Because of the journey the episode took right back to high school, if you didn’t get your shot with Colton before the Onyeka vs. Nicole showdown happened, then your shit out of luck, because Chris is ringing the bell and it’s time for the roses to be handed out.
It’s bound to be a tense one and with Cassie, Heather, and Hannah B. safe, that leaves nine girls up for elimination. And with Nicole crossing her heart and saying a quick prayer to the Good Man above, she’s definitely hoping for a second chance at wooing Colton right out of his virginity.
In the end, Colton did what every lead should do when contestants bicker like toddlers and he sent them both home. It’s about time someone finally takes some advice from this BXTCH. On the bright side, surely we will see them both in Paradise.
Another episode, another VLOG and tonight the insight is a hope for clarity and that was really about all he shared.
With another location comes another balcony greeting. This time we were greeted with “Good morning, Vietnam!”. The originality is oozing from these guys.
“We really knead this date. . .” Hannah G. has finally had her number called and it is stressing some of these ladies out. This date is getting kicked off with a couples spa day, which includes a personal massage from Hannah to Colton, which most likely ended in some sort of happy ending. And if the massage didn’t get the ending that was most likely medically necessary, then the mud tub or shower they shared surely got the job done. Hannah does let us know in her confessional that if she got the chance for an overnight with Colton, then she would be taking advantage of it. You can read that however you see fit.
The nighttime is upon us without learning much about Hannah, except that she’s certainly ready to fast forward to the fantasy suites. Here’s hoping that we get a bit more insight under the moonlight. We did learn that they enjoy showering with one another and that Hannah makes Colton feel “very, very good”. We quickly learn that opening up is not Hannah’s “jam” and that she has trained herself to avoid it. It comes down to her parents divorce, which from the sound of it, ended ugly. The divorce does give them something in common, since Colton has gone through the same thing, my only issue (if that’s the right word) is why now? If someone has an issue with opening up, is it really an issue when you are able to do what you’re afraid of doing with someone that you don’t know all that well? Even if he makes her feel comfortable enough to do so, aren’t you risking a lot knowing that it could end bad for you and have you even more closed off than before? I’m not trying to downplay the effect her parents divorce had on her, but I also feel that it’s not haunting her as much in her adult life as she is wanting Colton (or us) to believe. Someone who has trust issues when it comes to opening up doesn’t really pick reality tv to find their happily ever after, which probably means that there is an underlying goal. But in the end, a connection is a connection and Hannah has another date rose to add to her bouquet and the distinction of being the second of the season to admit (to the cameras) that she is falling in love and the first that Colton admits to falling in love with.
The other two girls (Cassie and Caelynn) left in the mix that are probably the closest to Colton are spending their afternoon having a chat regarding Colton’s relationship with Hannah G. Neither are shocked that Hannah got the one-on-one, but the beauty queen believes that Hannah is someone who has relied on her beauty for most of her life and I do believe that there’s a pot and a kettle somewhere in that hypocrisy. She says it’s hard to know who Hannah is if it were all stripped away. They both believe that the chemistry Colton and Hannah have doesn’t go too far past the first impression she made on him. Who wants to tell them the exact impression she’s making on him during this date?
The anticipation of waiting for the next date card to arrive is gonna give someone an anxiety attack, full blown and I’m kinda looking forward to it. We’re getting a good start with the tears that come when some realize that a one-on-one is not gonna happen for them in Vietnam. “Are you ready to fight for love.” Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi. That leaves Kirpa the envy of all. The date starts off with some choreographed fight sequence, clearly intended to impress, he probably would’ve had more success if he would’ve walked out naked as the day he was born, but much manlier. However, it’s pretty easy to determine that there will be some fighting on this date, which has even me looking forward to this. After some instruction, it’s time for the girls to spar one another. This is being brought to us by Chris Harrison and the host of Bachelor Vietnam, Quo Chung. Up first is Sydney and Heather with lots of laughing and shrieking radiating from Heather. In other news, Colton now knows what Heather will sound like when physically exerted. Hannah B. and Cassie get to take their turn next and I have no idea who won, but Hannah did seem pretty confident in herself. Demi and Katie get their opportunity to take their frustration out on not being selected for one-on-one time, though the frustration should be against Colton, but like all good women when frustrated with a man, we take it out on one another. It’s pretty easy to see that while the other girls were playing around, this battle is turning into a real fight. And Sydney put it best when she said “Demi’s got a big bark but not a lotta bite after seeing that match”. After watching that fight, Colton ends the fun. This cocktail party should be a blast.
Tayshia is up first and immediately begins to express her fears, even though her one-on-one was just two episodes ago. She does like the direction their relationship is going, but she needs Colton to be curious about her as much as she is about him. He puts her at ease when he tells her that he does want to continue to explore their relationship. My advice to Tayshia. . .you should never have to ask a man that’s interested in you to be curious about you.
Talk amongst the ladies is this could be one of the most important date roses, because whoever he gives this one to, he obviously wants to continue moving forward in that particular relationship. The stress is getting to be a bit much for Katie, who when given the opportunity to have her discussion with Colton, she lets him know that she’s scared and that one of her biggest fears is Colton misreading her. She’s worried that Colton will think that she’s not trying. I’m not really sure what message she’s trying to send him, it almost seems like she heard what the ladies said about the date rose and knew that some sort of unsure vulnerability was her best opportunity at getting it. Now that Alabama Hannah has confessed to falling in love with him, she is going at this experiment hard. She is full of smiles and laughs and an energy that she hasn’t shown prior. Hannah’s exuberance is rubbing some the wrong way and by some I mean Sydney and Tayshia, who are having a little one-on-one time of their own, talking about how some of the girls lack substance and are just shiny objects. . .Hannah showing Colton her ninja skills is one of the object to which they are referring. I think Sydney is starting to get into her head a bit, reading into every detail as something it’s not. I don’t see this going down well when he finally breaks away and sits to talk with Sydney.
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In her defense, Sydney goes right at Colton by asking him if there is a reason why she hasn’t been chosen for a one-on-one yet. He tells her that each relationship is different and each one moves at a different pace. She does want to know if he thinks he will be able to “there” with her and he responds with he wants to try. I think in the end, Sydney is not really feeling Colton’s words of reassurance.
It is clear that Demi worked on her speech for a good long while. After she is done describing how great of a girlfriend she would be, she asks Colton if he would like to call her mom with her, which is a very well played move towards getting her hands on that group date rose. While I do think this move was pulled out of her playbook, I also think that this is a conversation that should’ve happened without Colton and without cameras.
The more giggling that comes from the Hannah’s or Demi’s or Heather’s of the group, the more Sydney starts to battle with herself. Her feeling is that none of those girls are ready for marriage and she obviously is. . .but if that’s the kind of girl that Colton is finding himself attracted to, then where does that leave him and her. Instead of her depending on the conversation that she had with Colton earlier, she decides to go to him once again and continue to press him for guarantees. She gets real ballsy when she tells him that he’s making the easy choices and if that’s what he wants, then good for him, but since she needs more than what she feels that he’s willing to give, then she is gonna go ahead and remove herself from his potential bridal list. On her way out she does encourage him to seek out the great ones of the group and stop being distracted by shiny things. In the end, she may have opened up his eyes a bit in seeing how much more he can open up and offer to each of his relationships. Even though I’m not really seeing the connection, he seems to be a smitten kitten when it comes to Tayshia, because she is walking away with the date rose.
I think that some one-on-one dates are chosen because the Bachelor/ette has smoking hot chemistry with someone and they’re looking to pour some more gas on an already growing flame. I think others are chosen as a way of finding out if there is anything worth even starting and that is where I think Colton is at with Kirpa and why he has chosen her for this date. Prior to this date kicking off, Demi and Hannah B. are talking and it’s mentioned that his relationship with Kirpa has grown, but they wonder what will become of this date. I don’t see the growth. I know the viewing audience isn’t privy to every nuance that occurs, but I don’t even recall seeing a kiss, much less a lot of conversation. I’m thinking he’ll send her home on this date, but crazier things have happened on this show. . .
The greeting is the obligatory legs around the waist and as much as I poke fun at it, Kirpa jumping into Colton’s arms seemed forced and not as natural as it’s supposed to be at this point. The date starts with a whole lot of discussion about Sydney. He does go on to say that each and every time he spends time with Kirpa, he takes something from it. During his confessional he admits to enjoying his time with Kirpa and she is someone that he naturally and easily connects with. Maybe I’m not seeing this because of his connection with some of the other girls and the connection he does have with Kirpa isn’t coming through. They take the date underwater and do some diving and you can see some of the easiness making its way into the date the longer the day goes.
Dinner starts out with Colton asking about Kirpa’s previous engagement. They were together for eight years and he was someone who was saving himself for marriage, which she compares to Colton’s situation, but he quickly reminds her that he hasn’t been saving himself for marriage, but rather the right person. She explains that things ended because they got too comfortable with one another and the relationship was standing still instead of moving forward and though it was difficult, it was the right decision for the both of them. He wants to know if she can see herself saying yes to a proposal at the end and she lets him know that if their relationship continues to progress then she could certainly see herself saying yes. I will say that though I was skeptical about her longevity going into the date, their compatibility grew the longer they spent with one another. And this date in particular is a great example of how a date should be. . .a little awkward. . .a tiny bit uncomfortable. . .lots of laughter. . .lots of conversation. . .and in the end the offer of a date rose, which she happily accepts, which finally led to Kirpa getting her shot at Colton’s lips.
Demi is determined to make some sort of a big move where her relationship with Colton is concerned and since she has yet to be given the opportunity via a one-on-one date, she is taking matters into her own hands and creating her own one-on-one time with the hope that after she has made her big move, Colton will no longer be a virgin. She may wanna start with eliminating the nickname Coco. Let me intervene for a hot second. I get what’s happening. It’s naive to assume that Colton didn’t know Demi was on her way over, BUT. . .this motherfucker just got done with a date and for all assumptions, Demi has no idea what actually happened on that date. She doesn’t know if Kirpa gave Colton a handy in the bathroom of some seedy bar or if he gave her one. I know we know, but do we know? Demi has no idea where his fingers, tongue, or other important sexual limbs have been but she’s okay with getting some leftovers? Have some dignity and wait your turn. Anyway back to the train wreck. Demi is giving him a rundown of their relationship up to this point, then tells him that she is falling in love with him. He tells her that he appreciates her words and that she makes him feel special. He admits to thinking about her and them a lot, but in the end he doesn’t think that they can get to that place. He leads us all to believe that he would’ve sent her home at the next rose ceremony, I’m not sure I believe that, but she has been sent back to the United States. The only thing this moment was missing was some dramatic Young and the Restless theme music, because this was a scene straight out of the latest soap opera. She even worked at forcing some good tears, she wasn’t quite successful, but it could garner her a nomination of some sort somewhere.
We kicked off this episode with ten hopefuls and before we even made it to this episode’s Rose Ceremony, we are down to eight and with three date roses already claimed, that leaves five fighting for his last name. Hometowns are in two weeks, which means he still needs to cut half of who’s left, so maybe there was some strategy in the events that unfolded with this episode. With the unexpected departures of Sydney and Demi, the girls are reeling and worried that they could be next on Colton’s list. Chris arrives to tell the ladies that Colton already knows who the roses belong to and a cocktail party will not be necessary. You know the heart rates kicked in gear when they heard that news.
There was no time wasted, Colton jumped right to it. Tonight’s Rose Ceremony sucks because only one girl gets sent home. It seems more humiliating when your the lone one. . .
“It’s my greatest pleasure to accept this rose.” -Demi
“I would definitely eat that sushi roll.” -Colton
“I’m willing to do whatever it takes to fight for Colton, so hopefully her insurance works here in Vietnam.” -Colton
“I don’t know where his head’s at. I don’t know where his heart is.” -Katie
Before we get to the heavy stuff, let’s talk about the climate in the international destinations. I understand why the show doesn’t lug around hair and makeup for all of the contestants, but can we agree to at least either have someone or a couple of someones around to assist with the hair and face when the humidity starts to wreck some havoc.
Since Colton’s virginity is the talking point of the season, I think it’s only fair if we discuss it some. His date this week with Hannah and last week with Cassie prove that inexperience isn’t part of his game and at this point, his virginity is really a technicality. I don’t really want to take anything away from his purity, but female virginity and male virginity are not equal and I’m willing to bet the only place his dick hasn’t been, is inside of a vagina. . .which deserves the shock and awww and praise that we have bestowed upon him. . .but I do think we need to stop acting as if this man has yet to take advantage of other sexual acts to relieve and get the job done.
Demi is a conundrum to me. While she is definitely entertaining, she wasn’t my favorite and I don’t want to say that she’s too young to tie herself down, because her and Cassie are the same age, but in my opinion, Cassie carries herself a bit different. While I do think that a lot or at least some of what Demi gave us was an act, Colton sending her home before she was ready, gave us a glimpse at some damage done by a mom being in prison. Which if I was gonna flare my inner Dr. Phil, I would say that she needs to work through those demons before she expands her life through the ties of Holy Matrimony. I did find it questioningly interesting when she said that Colton ending things with her is the exact type of scenario that has had her avoiding relationships for so long. Ummm. . .she’s 23, I’m not sure how many relationships she has been able to avoid in her short adult life, but her saying that made it even more clear that she needs to discover a lot more about herself before she involves anyone else.
While I didn’t see Katie and Colton standing together in the end, I did feel bad for her, especially after she laid out her fears. I think what gave me a case of the head shakes was when she apologized to him. He had already walked her to the waiting automobile and the goodbye had begun when he told her that he felt there was so much more to get out of her that he just didn’t, which is when she apologized. Let me say this loud and clear. . .there was nothing to apologize for. First, it’s unfair for him to basically put that on her, the only interaction they had was on group dates and he had no problems getting it from the ones he wanted it from. He doesn’t owe any apology for her not being his one and she doesn’t owe any apology for being who she is. We’ll see you in paradise Katie.
I find it humorous that everyone BUT Colton can identify who is ready for a proposal and who isn’t. However, if one was really interested in him finding his happy ending, even if it doesn’t include them, then why not say to him “Look, this bitch you are hanging all over isn’t ready for you to pop the question, she’s just looking for opportunity.” Even if you come off as somewhat jealous, who gives a fuck, you laid it out for him, now it’s his job to determine if it’s true. However, how he has not yet determined that Heather is no where near ready to meet him any place wearing a white gown, baffles me. And I say this based solely on her lack of experience. Maybe it’s normal to be 22/23 and have never kissed a guy, but it’s not normal to casually date throughout high school and college and then have a semi long term exclusive boyfriend and still have never been kissed. And I think based on that alone, there is a lie somewhere and I think it hiding within the claim that she’s dated. I have no issue with anyone marrying their first relationship. . .I do however have a problem with Colton potentially being her first relationship and she’s “dating” him, while he’s “dating” others. She needs to spread some wings and fall flat on her face a couple of times while trying to fly as high as she can. I’m somewhat surprised that her family was okay with her taking this adventure.
If you haven’t had the opportunity, you should check out Nick Viall’s podcast, especially the one with Rachel Lindsey as his guest. Click here to watch via YouTube.
    
