BXTCHES Gotta Warn: First things first, this is not a good night (Monday) for television, well not necessarily bad, just busy. Of course, we have The Bachelorette. . .then we have the DNC. . .and last, a Texas Ranger game is also on tonight, so super busy. But, since Jojo is stressing me the fuck out, I am recording the DNC, watching The Bachelorette, and will have to catch the Rangers in highlights or on the re-air. Not that you needed to know all of that, but I felt like sharing, so there you have it.
Last week on. . .ABC left us high, dry, and wanting more at the end of last weeks episode. Jojo confessed that it was going to be Luke going home, then Luke stepped in and confessed his love to Jojo, which made the whole process even that much more daunting. So, let’s get right into to the rose ceremony that was robbed from us last week.
The drama picked right back up and when Jojo was done, it was Luke’s heart that was breaking. Luke was in complete shock, after every date and all of the time he has spent with Jojo, there is not a snowballs chance in Texas that he saw this coming. Jojo was obviously upset, but it appeared to this BXTCH that she was having to push some tears along that flawless made up face. In the end she did seem as if she was having second thoughts and the tears did flow a bit easier, but I think it’s mainly because Luke was so confused as to why he was the one packing his bags. And to be honest, this BXTCH was too. More on that in my final thoughts, but I’m coming for you Jojo.
This week is the much anticipated overnight dates #fantasysuites and up first is Robby.
Well it seems that all heartache over cutting Luke loose is gone and once Jojo and Robby get the “I missed you so much” out of the way, their date takes them to what appears to be some sort of street market with food selections that I’m sure were adventuresome, but looked questionable at best #americansaresuchsnobs. While Jojo and Robby are perusing the streets of Thailand, some of Robby’s confessional is coming through on a voice over and of course, the pretty boy continues with the “I’m falling for her more and more, every time I see her” AND “she hasn’t told me that she loves me, but I just know that she does” (I’m paraphrasing for you BXTCHES). The rain does come pouring down #itsanomengirl, which forces them to get pedicures together and also gives Robby a chance to talk about the hometown date and everything that went down with the ex-girlfriend truth rumors. He also uses this time to tell Jojo how honest he has been with her and his proof. . .Uruguay. . .which is where he first told her he loved her #thatsnotwhathonestymeans, but our girl has a super strong pair of rose colored glasses on, because she falls for Robby hard and he makes sure he is there to catch her. The nighttime takes them to a very romantic dinner, that they of course do not eat, with a really weird conversation (well, for this BXTCH anyway). Once again, Jojo brings up Ben and how it was during this time on that season that she poured out her love for him and he returned it, but she wound up on the outside looking in and while Jojo is happy that Robby was the first one to tell her he loved her (that must mean it’s true, right) and how that #honesty allowed her to open up to him more, she admits that she does have concerns. #thisBXTCHcannotkeepupwiththatBXTCH When they sit down to dinner, conversation moves more towards his family and what they think about Jojo and him being in love. Okay, this BXTCH is going to need a moment. . .a moment to pull in my “what the actual fuck” meter and try to come at this with a more diplomatic viewpoint. Robby claims that his family knew he was in love by just looking at him, #thatsaclosefuckingfamily but the closer is this. . .apparently Robby’s father, at some point during Robby’s stay, wrote him a note and snuck it into Robby’s back pocket and how fantastic is it, that he has brought it all the way to Thailand with him so he can share those truly wonderful words with his Jojo. #thatscalledsarcasmBXTCHES Look, while I promised during Ben’s season to not be so cynical during this process, Robby has forced me to loose all good sense. (Diplomatic Merrie, Diplomatic) Since the show referred to Robby’s dad as “Coach Hayes”, my detective skills tell me that he must coach some sort of sport. . .now does anyone know a coach that is going to opt to write a note to his son or his athlete, over giving him a pep talk? Hell no, especially when it’s dealing with something like love. A coach is going to tell you to “pull up your big girl panties and go get your girl, boy”. While we may have all been sitting at home, yelling at the T.V., tweeting about how there is no way that Jojo is going to believe this nonsense, Jojo put on her “Robby is the one, even though he is obviously on this show to find anything BUT love, but he’s pretty and he told me he loved me not even four months after ending a four year relationship and he knew his love for me ran deep, in spite of the fact that I was in a relationship with multiple men and my time with #prettyboy had been limited at best but I know his love for me is the real thing, so I believe this note that his father wrote him is the sweetest thing ever, even though he didn’t have the nerve to actually hand it to him and instead tucked it away in the back pocket of his #missmejeans“ glasses on. Oh, and he gave Jojo the note. . .a little Bachelorette memento if you will, he is so sweet. The time comes for Jojo to offer Robby the key to unlock the fantasy pussy suite and of course, he accepts. One on one with the camera, Robby confesses the following: “Jojo gives me the fantasy suite card and now I don’t have to dream about Jojo anymore. I get to dream with Jojo, I get to lay next to her, you know, tell her goodnight, kiss her goodnight, and get to know the Joelle that I wanna spend the rest of my life with.” BXTCH translation: “I no longer have to rub one out while fantasizing about what Jojo looks like naked. I’m actually going to see those lush puppies up close and personal and since I know her well enough already to express my undying, forever love to her, I now get to sink balls deep into her #fantasypussy and Joelle will really know what my #prettyboylove is all about.” One more thing pretty boy. . .maybe if you would’ve shown Hope (the ex) a fraction of the love you are putting on display for Jojo, she probably wouldn’t have BXTCH slapped your pretty ass, but that’s assuming that your story about the elusive ex lady is true and you really did come to The Bachelorette for your shot at true, everlasting love and not to just try to make a run at becoming the #nextbachelor, but I digress. . .of course it was all about getting down on one knee. #sillyBXTCHhugeegosarefordicks Not that I want to cut Robby’s time short, but for the sake of my sanity and ability to dole out the sarcasm, a BXTCH has to do-what a BXTCH has to do. He stays overnight with Jojo and I’m sure it is no shock to ANYONE, that Robby got a piece of Jojo that she is likely to share with two other guys.
Jordan is up next and his moment starts on the beach. First, it’s time to become one with nature and sweat like a pig, because Jojo and Jordan are going on a hike. I’m not sure who planned this particular date, but I’m thinking someone should be fired. For crying out loud, surely whoever the genius was, realized that the end of this date would find two people in bed, getting really acquainted for the very first time ever and what better way to do that than covered in sweat and with muscles aching, right? I know, I know, they will take a shower, but still. Even though I said all of that, Jordan and Jojo do have a certain comfortability with one another, one that I think was needed to have this sort of date. They do converse about hometowns and what Jordan can expect with meeting Jojo’s family. Jordan confesses to Jojo that he has always thought when he looked into the eyes of the father (of the girl he loves), he would just know that her dad can be assured that he is going to protect her and love her for the rest of his life. Jojo admits that from the minute she and Jordan met, there was an instant connection. . .instant chemistry, that it’s so easy to imagine a future with him in it, and as a viewer of the show, I can attest that the spark between Jojo and Jordan was lit from the word go and hasn’t really snuffed out AT ALL. BUT, Jojo is still questioning whether or not Jordan is really able to offer that commitment. As I wrinkle my forehead and give the good ole “what the fuck” squint, I must tell you that Jojo is really confusing a BXTCH. She wonders if Jordan is “too good to be true?” I think she’s getting Jordan confused with Robby. Let’s recap. . .Jojo is still claiming to wonder whether or not Jordan is in it for real, for the long haul, but she’s completely certain about Robby, holy shitballs, I need a drink. . .of the liver damage kind. Back to the date. So dinner brings even more doubt for Jojo. In her confessional she claims that the date (so far) has been the best one in terms of getting to really know Jordan, now there has yet to really be a moment between Jojo and Jordan that didn’t end with steam coming from the T.V., so if she feels that this date was the best. . .then the #fantasysuite is sure to get a workout. But, she says that, and for something to be so magnetic and on the plus side for Jojo, just for her to turn it around and question everything that has developed between her and Jordan up to that point, makes it very difficult to keep up with her. The conversation really turns to things that I have actually been dying to hear all season. First let me say this, Jordan is saying everything a viewer like me would want to hear. He’s already told her about being able to assure her dad that he will step into the husband role with every expectation a father would want, if not more. He then tells Jojo how important it is to go to her father and discuss his desire to marry his daughter, all so very sweet, even if people believe that it was fake (I’m not sure if I’m on that fan page yet), but it was the right thing to say at the right time. Now for the question I’ve been waiting for Jojo to ask Jordan “what does the next year look like for you?”. I think that this question is important for many reasons, but the main one being. . .the long term plan, right? I mean, is she relocating or is he relocating? Who will be more flexible with their job? More importantly, she didn’t ask the same question of Robby, which is very telling, but anyway, let’s talk about the answer. Jordan answers honestly and says “Umm. . .that’s a tough question to answer”, he goes onto to say that it depends and he can’t say 100% what things are going to look like. This answer just fuels Jojo’s already raging inferno of a theory, so one has to wonder if she is looking for excuses to let Jordan go, who knows, I’m gonna put my detective skills to work a bit later. But, let’s not freak out yet, because he does follow it up with him not having and not really needing a home base, so he can be wherever Jojo is, which again, seems like the right answer, but when Jordan says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, she comes back with a “that’s what Ben said”, even though, I’m not sure Ben said those actual words. But, it’s bad form for anybody to throw an ex into the face of a current boyfriend, #reasonswhysheissingle. She asks him how he knows that she is his forever and he lays it on with. . .he is a better person with her. . .if feels different now compared to when he thought he was in love before. . .when he imagines dropping to one knee and saying those four final words, it’s her. . .so, applause to Jordan, while this BXTCH thinks that every answer he played tonight in “Who Wants to be Jojo’s Fiancee” was spot on, we have yet to see if it swayed the opinion of the only one that matters. There must’ve been something else she wants to see however, because she gives him the very coveted invite to the #fantasysuite. When the morning light comes shining in, Jojo asks Jordan “what are you thinking after last night?” and Jordan’s reply was. . .“it was exactly everything I needed”, now surely you don’t need any kind of “BXTCH translation” for that one. On a side note: I don’t think there are many women (or men for that matter) who would put up a fight waking up next to the bare chested Jordan Rodgers. . .good lord, how disappointing would it be if there night alone WASN’T “exactly everything Jojo needed”?
BXTCH side commentary: One of her many concerns is Jordan’s lifestyle and how he has a job that takes him all around. I have no idea what this job is, since the occupation listed is “Former Pro Football Player” and last I checked, the only place that takes you is your couch and #faileddreams. Here is why I’m pissed. We are down to the final three guys, ready to make it official and pick out the diamond and this BXTCH is just now having this particular conversation. Call me a crazy BXTCH, but shouldn’t this be something that you’ve discussed on the multiple one-on-one dates that you’ve been on or maybe even a conversation that happened before you decided to declare her your one and only. It’s also very unfair for Jojo to bring this up now. If you are so desperate for a husband, and let’s face it, that is what it is, then guess what marriage is about. . .compromise. You have to be willing to make sacrifices that aren’t comfortable but are worth it. . .because the one you wake up with is the one you were meant to be with and if you can’t see that, then. . .Let.Him.Go #marriageadvicefromdrBXTCH
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Well, Chase is last and his arrival comes via a motor scooter, who is coming up with this shit? Jojo admits that she is excited for her date with Chase and even goes on to say that at the end of the hometowns, Chase admitted to falling in love with her and if things continue to progress, then she can see herself falling in love with Chase, you know the common theme this season. Like the other two guys, Chase and Jojo greet one another like long lost lovers. . .very passionate. . .very believable. Things take off on the water, lots of kissing, actually lots of kissing in this entire episode, everything with Chase and Jojo seems to be going really well. They take the date to the beach, where they enjoy a great conversation. While Jojo may not have interrogated Chase like she did Jordan, they did talk about the hometown visit, the last rose ceremony and got in a bit of yib-yabbing #yogaissexy. During her one-on-one with the camera, she does nothing but compliment Chase and make declarations that would leave a BXTCH to believe that Robby and Jordan should go ahead and pack it up, well a BXTCH would be wrong. Now, I’m sure you know exactly where I’m going with this, but since I had to live through it, I’m gonna walk you through it. I am pretty far away from being on #teamrobby, but he cracked that divide wide open when he shows up to Jojo’s hotel room, right in the middle of Chase’s date. Coach Hayes is not giving his boy the right kind of advice. He claims that he just missed her and that BXTCH did nothing to kick him out. A note from one BXTCH to another. . .desperation is not sexy and it usually reeks of something more, something not so genuine. There is no way that Robby is not overly compensating for something, and for once, I’m not making any innuendos. But, I am wondering if Robby’s visit didn’t play a part in the nighttime portion of Jojo’s date with Chase. The dinner starts off really well. . .Chase gives a very sweet toast, conversation turns to their date, they are sweating profusely, they talk about fear and what it is that has Chase scared, to which he confesses that by being with her and touching her and kissing her and loving her, the fear is not really there anymore. It couldn’t have been said better if ABC scripted it themselves. She offers him the #fantasysuite, he accepts and hopefully things are going to come take off. Well, things take off alright, just not in the direction that I’m sure Chase envisioned. So, it’s time to rip the band-aid off. Chase tells Jojo that he is 100% in love with her, then goes on to say that he has never been the first one to take that particular walk on the plank. After every confession Chase has given her, all of his fears, all of his insecurities, all of his secrets, Jojo actually tells him that him telling her he loved her doesn’t have her feeling the way that she thought it would. STOP THE FUCKING BUS!! You have got to be kidding me ABC. Let’s just hash it out right here, I’ve been going back and forth with a brother on Facebook tonight, so this BXTCH is ret to go! Chase did tell Jojo that he loved her during the hometowns, what the fuck did she feel then? Not to mention, that during the whole date, all she did was rave on and on about how great the date was and how fantastic Chase is. What was she feeling then? Let’s not pretend that we don’t all know what goes down in the #fantasysuite, we know damn good and well, that clothes are coming off and dicks are going on an adventure. What was she feeling when she offered that up? Yes, she offered him the key, then said “I don’t think so”. I would like to commend Chase, because he is pissed. Most of the guys that Jojo has broken it off with, take it like a chump, but not Chase. Our boy calls her out on her knowing how reluctant he is to say “I love you” and she allows him to basically fall on the sword that has caused him to build up the wall around his intimacy and that has put the spotlight on the personal pain that he carries. #thataintnoBXTCHthatsabitch. The sad thing about the whole ordeal is Jojo tried to make it about her. He said what he needed to say, then got up and walked away, and since she didn’t get the consolation from Chase that she has gotten from every other guy, she goes after him, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. . .someone get ahold of her quick. She is so hung up on the words, that she is overlooking the actions. Case in point. . .#prettyboy. It’s time to get Chase elected to be #thenextbachelor.
The rose ceremony kicks off with just Jordan and Robby, both of which wondering where the other musketeer is. Jojo breaks it to them that she broke it off with Chase, just as Chase is coming down the stairs. Keep it in your pants, it’s not a sweep her off her feet declaration, he’s just there to apologize for the way he reacted #hannahmontanasaywhat. While I’m not anti-apology, I don’t think in this case that Chase owed her one. Now, rumor (not sure whose) has it that the producers told Chase to go back and apologize because it would look better to the female demographic and help his campaign run to become #thenextbachelor. Well, those producers must be male, because coming from a female, Chase handled it in the best way. Jojo needed to hear the brutally honest things that Chase said to her. I’m not saying that his apology lessens my vote, I’m just saying that it wasn’t necessary.
We’re down to Jordan and Robby and if the previews are anything to go by, it’s gonna be an intense finale.
Tonight, the whole show is the fucking quote.
During my watch party, which only consists of my sister, her kiddos and my offspring (we throw a helluva party), we take the role of detective very seriously, so let me run a theory by you (thanks again, little sis). After seeing Jojo interact with Jordan’s family, she seemed pretty hung-up on why the Rodgers clan is estranged from Aaron, which I thought was a bit obsessive, but then my sister may have cracked the code. Of course these are all rumors and I have no affiliation with Jojo, Jordan, or any member or acquaintance of the Rodgers fam. It is well known that Aaron and Olivia Munn are dating, it is rumored that Jordan’s ex-girlfriend, the one he allegedly cheated on, is friends with Olivia (there is an instagram photo of them together). So maybe, just maybe, Jordan did cheat and it really pissed off Olivia and a pissed off girlfriend makes a pissed off boyfriend and Aaron took the side of his girl at the dismay of his family. Let’s not forget that it has been “reported” (in the tabloids) that the sole reason Jordan even went on The Bachelorette was to become #thenextbachelor. Now, I’m not saying that it’s true or false and maybe he did go on the show with that goal, but fell in love in the process. Who really knows, I jut think it’s a theory worth exploring.
Okay Jojo, girl you are wearing on a BXTCH! I need to take lamaze classes just to breathe my way through my frustrations. First, I was pretty shocked that you had Luke pack his bags. I understand that things are edited to get more ratings, but you can’t edit that kind of captivation, the kind of allurement that you and Luke had when together. I guarantee you that those sitting at home, knew Luke had love for you without him having to utter the “I love you” that you were so determined to hear. It’s about actions, not words. You put Chase in a very difficult, not to mention uncomfortable position, because you needed to hear the affirmation, even though it was put on display week after week. He didn’t really know how to express those three, all important words, but he understood how to show them. Actions always speak louder than words. When you claim that you trust in Robby more because he was so quick on the trigger in his eagerness to be the first one to say those three magical words, did you even worry that he just got out of a four year relationship? But even if we put that aside because at that time, you really didn’t know, he shared his feelings with you in Uruguay and if my memory is correct, that was your first one-on-one date with Robby, ONE DATE and he loves you? Girl, it’s not about the words, it’s about the action. When his ex-girlfriend does finally come up, he gives you two different stories, you meet his family and once again, your talking about his past relationship, but he assures you that you are the one, you are the woman he is meant to be with. Filming started around mid March, it is currently the end of July, so being generous, I can say that you have known Robby for four months, most of which, you are/were dating multiple men, but he knows you well enough to declare you to be like no other girl he has ever met? Jojo, it’s okay to be skeptical, it’s okay to be inquisitive, but you are allowing his words to cloud his actions. Part of me does believe that the reason you chose Jordan and Robby for the final two is because you are in it for the exposure as much as those two are. Side note: I do think you and Jordan have some serious compatibility. If you happened to fall in love in the process, then I applaud you and I don’t think anyone should ever settle for anything less that what is deserved, so get yours. If you want the fairytale, go for it. But, I’m afraid you’re more interested in the fairytale and not the work that goes into a marriage, a marriage that must be built on compromise and love and patience and passion and frustration and trust and friendship. It doesn’t take much to say “I do”, it takes everything to prove that “I do” means forever. Because in the end, “I do”. . .they’re just words.
Remember, The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 7pm CENTRAL and 8pm EASTERN. August 1 is the season finale, immediately followed by After the Final Rose.
BXTCHES Be Sharing:
If everything related to blood goes fine, a man does not get attacked 
